Matt & Alex: UpLate (ADULTS ONLY)

0:00A List-Nath Production Welcome to Matt and Alex UpLate. This is your warning that the following program is rated triple X and will contain adult themes. Matt and Alex advised that this episode is not suitable for people under 18. Oh yes, the episode you have been waiting for kicked off by the legendary Mike Goldman and thank you Mike for bringing back the Big Brother UpLate vibes and giving us the disclaimer at the start that yes we are talking about some adult themes today. It is Matt and Alex UpLate. Well I mean the reason why we got Mike Goldman as well, he's just warming up given the Big Brother Australia is back next month and it wouldn't be Big Brother without Mike Goldman would have. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. He's not. Man, hear your Lower Caste. Do you think they are going to do the Nude stuff again?

1:00I mean thats was really that was the good stuff wasn't it? The szh exceedliраout. Yeah you know. Get sit everyone sck in their ass like don't get let's see it. They blew it out, knew they didn't, did they Brom they they showed everything. I… I actually can't remember if it was younger than they did of fly. Do we get it? Yeah, check out the big brother this year my goleman back in the voiceover chair But Maddo Khan it's our voices you'll be listening to for the next little while as well as a few Matt and Alex listeners who have some sexy tales to Spin for us a few yarns coming out which will be a nice interesting time. I reckon yeah We're gonna get very sexy. I don't think you we've been sexy enough yet No, I think I think we should I think we should all start with a with a fake orgasm Here we go. I do not I think this is what I think we should do. Yeah, here we go. Here we go

2:10I'm sorry that was so quick You just felt so good What do we think out of ten out of the perfect way to start a show? I'm so uncomfortable And we're only just getting started let's start Talk like this now look where there is no point in doing an adult only at friends If you're not gonna go there, okay, so I'm gonna need a little bit more from both of you look We are gonna have to go there and I think it's uncomfortable But ever since you know was just on the couch Friday night watching the Friday night 40 all right with my dad Pies are probably playing again. I would have been what? 14 or something like that 15 we're watching the 40 and then when it's quarter time You know when it's half time with a three quarter time dad's not watching the ads See you flick over the other channel what was playing on channel 10 American pie Okay, and He could not have timed the three times we changed the channel worse

3:17Then We flip over at his having sex with the pie and then the dad's having an uncomfortable conversation with him And so you're just there in the living room to your dad and I think because dad doesn't want to Doesn't want to make it seem like oh this is too awkward like I don't want to make it He like lingered for longer than you what I'm just like no you're allowed to change it is very uncomfortable Sit here and watch a movie about sex with your parents. Can we please change it? I'll watch the ads show me all the Harvey or Norman ads you want if I can get out of Watching Jason Biggs Have it sex anyway, so it's it's always a bit uncomfortable about it How about your relationship with you know with sex growing up? Oh, I remember in a very similar thing the first the first time I felt deeply uncomfortable was Robin Hood Prince of thieves I believe there was a sex scene and I could have folded inside out with embarrassment Because it was on TV at the same time as you know my parents being in the room and to be fair now like

4:21I was just about seven or eight. I didn't understand really. I didn't know that I was like So yeah, so look we did ask you Some sex stories I'll get into it. We could talk about it I mean because we don't really talk about it and something that I think It's very difficult Well, it's really really interesting when your job is talking on the radio matter time when it is podcasting it is quite difficult To decide like oh when do you say a story when do you not but I've always had a it hasn't even been a rule But it's just you just because sex is so much about trust, you know like I've never I would never bring any of those sort of stories to air because you sort of trusts It's such a thing where there's a real confidence between two people and you don't really want to talk about it or laugh about it too much And those sort of things how have you felt when it comes to those kind of those kind of moments that you share with people? I haven't really talked I did I mean I did include one situation in my stand-up show that ended up making it into a

5:26Television show yeah, that was in the incident of a Head bump on the corner of a bedstand and something became very unsexy Yes, very quickly Yes, and in lack of better judgment clouded by the situation the desires flowing through me I made the wrong call at the wrong time could have Redded medical aid rather than asking to continue It sounds which it context everything it sounds Yeah, but it is because it is it is quite you know, there is relatively sacrosanct At least certainly for me when it comes to those kind of things because I do remember one time Meeting someone we'd hooked up a like a couple of time ones or twice, but then they said to me at one point Oh, I I told my friend that I hooked up with Alex from triple J and they gave me a high five and I just felt so like

6:28Oh What it was probably as the kids say bat and Ick Yeah, right and I just really was just like oh I'm not sure about this sort of really felt like like some Conquestie kind of like oh well that like was a box ticking the exercise and I was like oh damn I was not thinking about that, but yeah, you can't really control the conversations people have outside of the bedroom You know, I gotta tell you I thought that we were gonna come here and have some you know fun times So this is sexy talk I know we're going into really like a deep personal territory. I mean this is Well, I wanted to get that out of the way like this and because you know We're doing an out-of-the-out episode. It's like why why don't we talk about it too much And I think it is because of those kind of things like you don't want it to seem as if it is a flippant thing Because it is one of the biggest connections you can have with someone well also. I mean it's just We do have we do have young listeners sometimes. So we did want to warn you in dinner

7:30Yeah, and I mean it's like I've I had a I had a um 12 year old kid in my stand-up show the other day Okay, yeah, and I mean I'm talking about going to fertility clinics and Giving sperm samples and stuff and I only realized this kids in there afterwards I'm like, oh my god are you in here? This I might be talking about stuff that you don't even know yet You know, you don't even understand So we do want to give you the warning that this is the place that we will come and do those discussions And for the record by the way, I was not that it matters But I was doing the sperm sample as part of a TV show Okay, so make it better So just so you know things anything weird there was a camera in their filming me all right For national television so just calm down and you please it was it was a show about male fertility It was not to get the gig okay, that's I'll clarify that please Yeah, yeah And it was fine. They just put me on this couch where they were casting me to get the role

8:33oh, so And so just so you're aware That it was fine But I tell you what it was weird doing that Have you ever have you ever done a test like that? No, I have not It's just weird because Everyone knows why you're going into this room like what you do what you're about to do in this room Yeah, and you go in and they they sit you on this very they're like there's a chair there and it's very You know, wipeable chair You know what you're doing in the room, but you also know the amount of people who have done the very same thing you're doing in the room previous to you like here are some DVDs. I'm like DVD how many Jesus have happened in this room bro These aren't even blue ray So I Need me to get a rouse to stand a definition. They're all grainy. I can't see anything At least these get until so 40 p

9:34And then you got the whole dilemma of like how long is appropriate because I'm like Because I'm there for work. I don't want to be doing it any longer than I need to Like I don't want to come out just whistling just like with your hands after 40 seconds Exactly, and I tell you what I could have Right really no one wants to work any longer than they need to Oh, if I said hey if you got this task to finish and then you can go home at your job What are you gonna hang around? No, you're gonna get that done as soon as possible brother Well, I True, but I didn't think you it would be the kind of task that in that situation with all the distractions and Thought process you'd be able to get done in 40 seconds. Well it helps that I went in half ready I didn't that's just That was a joke I promise I don't It's like that time, Brian. Oh my god. We've got you You're treating your TV show the same way the trick cooking shows. He's when I prepared earlier

10:38Imagine if you pulled one out of your pocket Front we are one of our someone someone that I know was getting down and dirty with um, you know Perspective partner and this particular woman went into the bathroom to you know, fresh and up And he decided it would be a good idea to put a condom on For when she came out how do we feel about this move? Wait, did she know that that was Well, they I think that they assumed that they were gonna have sex I don't think she was making him to put a condom on like From that story I remember it was okay. I'm gonna get ready for this and it'll be like okay. We're ready to go so Put it on pre-wrapped but they're in the bathroom for quite a while and so In in waiting for that long just by themselves

11:40The energy and therefore the blood pressures, you know dropped in the room So when it was time to go it was a little bit more vacuum sealed than it was So she walks out and she's looking at this father's no need to describe it really that would I mean like a condom on a flaccid penis Has to be one of the most unattractive I mean unattractive things ever surely are you asking yeah I would say so yes yes yes yes Okay, good well look We asked you for your funny sex stories Well, we're gonna do our funny sex stories first You bet you've been pushing for this Episode and you don't have a single funny sex story. No, I don't have any I told you. I mean I used that one in the in the show That was more of a tragedy than anything I don't I don't actually have any Ah go on if you got one Ah, I got a funny thing

12:41This probably happened about 15 more more years ago. So I think it's it's interesting to bring up Also because you know, I just wonder if anyone else has something similar or experienced something similar That's I met someone who Had an erogenous zone In their belly button, what? Yeah, I think like a Like a g spot very much like that. Yes, but But a b spot I think is probably a baby spot the baby spot which I Yeah, it was just quite fascinating. Brought of you have ever heard of something like this. I've never heard of that Do you know that the g spot is named after German gynecologist Ernst Greuth in Berg? What? Yeah, didn't know that for a while they like because he had one or he found one Do you know that in the in the 1980s Researchers and sexologists popularized this finding and named the region the Graffenberg spot and then it got so shortened to the g spot

13:47So wait now we just We just Use it based off this German bloke look a eye is saying it um wrote about the areas role in female sexual arousal Okay, that was only in that was only in 1950 bro. What were dudes doing for the Uh Thousands of years before that Telling us that this is only Oh tell you what these men elite medieval women they were They would have struggled Wow, but no, okay belly buttons, let's focus Yeah, well, I just found that quite fascinating. I didn't didn't realize and and you know I did I didn't know when it came to like rules of my own of my own making of like I don't like it was the time of my life on my I don't like Doing much on a sort of first evening. I didn't know where Belly button caressing cabins Came into that as far as like sexy stuff goes. I don't know broad. Where does it? Is that well you what did you do?

14:51I just a bit of touch and a bit of a bit of broaden and a Did you lick it? I did not know Someone do a shot out of your belly button and one of our live shows though Yeah, but I imagine if you had this if you had this particular Baby spot at that point or do you is that why we did it not anything to do with my belly button leaves me as Floppy as a sock. I mean, I've heard heaps of people, you know Women talking about orgasming through what you know walking up the sun Or I think some people through sit-ups. Oh, yeah, true. I always used to get in the direction doing sit-ups I'm sorry that that's Probably uncomfortable for all of us But that is why I don't have a six back anymore. It was just I got banned from the gym, okay It

15:54Makes sense for a guy because the testicles sort of go up to your abdomen So, you know if you're crunching that area or whatever it can trigger things But I didn't know that that could happen for a girl as well. Well, I've never heard of it from anyone before or since so yeah It was just a really interesting little little addition to the Bronnies is belly button. Yeah, the wildest was sit-ups as the wildest that you've heard Yeah, I don't well, this is the first time I've hearing about belly button stuff. So okay It's got there's I'm looking at a wiki page naval fetishism. There you go. Mm-hmm. And we don't talk about the oranges All the boats Despite the semen okay now Let's move on to your funny sex stories Tiffany got in touch and said my partner finished We looked at each other in the eye and then he did the loudest Michael Jackson he

16:54Bro You can't hit up with that Afterwards you can't do it oh boy um So my part Brody says my partner and I were going at it and I started uncontrollably farting as I was ejaculating I was super embarrassed she found it funny and happened to get a few weeks later It didn't scare her off. She's still with me 15 years strong. Wow The sound effects to the ejaculation crazy anonymous got in touch with us Alex Dyson anonymous says I was having sex and banged my head against the wall I was out for 10 minutes wow that's not good did did you continue though? It's a concussion protocols Yeah, you have to sub out for two weeks wouldn't you absolutely? Emily got in touch said first time with my now husband back when he lived with his parents It was 1 a.m. And the light to off now his dad is deaf So his dad opened the door to check to see whether he as in my now husband was home or not

17:58And obviously couldn't hear us shouting for him to get out. So his dad turned on the light My husband thankfully was on top And I swear I melted into the mattress with embarrassment in hopes he couldn't see me Even worse. I hadn't even met his dad yet. Oh there you go the first is like hey you home I say get out the cut he used so turns on the light. Oh boy There you oh, and finally low is on the phone from Melbourne hello low. Hello. How are you? Very well. Thank you. So great. We came to hear your sexy story. Yeah So this was many years ago when I was living in a different place. I won't name it too small And I was Hoking up with a guy I used to work with at the pub Not a serious thing just like a like a hook up thing. Yeah nice. And Yeah, I he was a very big guy. He was like six foot something and Anyway, he was around it my place one night and we were doing the deed and

19:00Who kind of paint a picture I guess like my the position was Mission agree but my legs on his shoulders and anyway he was putting his full body into it right He was really going for it. It was great. And then his shoulder popped out of its socket. Oh And obviously he's holding up his weights with both arms pretty seriously And then he was no longer able to hold his body weight up. Oh So I was kind of folded in half Oh Because your legs suddenly your legs are about knees up behind your head you can look at your own butt hole Yeah, just something like that. Yeah And yeah, so he had to get up and we had to go to the kitchen where he proceeded to Put himself down on the dining table so I could yank his arm back into its socket Ah yeah, not the yanking that he was hoping for the old shoulder yank

20:04And how did how were things how was the mood after that? Yeah, definitely killed it for that night anyway. Oh So bad if you're just imagining like a cartoon with those hospital beds that fold up completely I'm just imagine he's stuck in one of those hospital beds He was not a small guy like But something guy Well you've survived to tell the tale and thank you so much for joining us here on matnellics adult only to do that today Low it's very much appreciated. No problems at all Glad I can impart with the one two other people of what not to do maybe thanks low No worries guys have a good one Oh Oh, I've done the elbow as well before mat in the old oh In a situation heavy really yeah, how it did it kill the mood as well? Um did my best to cover it up but yeah you you are distracted makes it difficult to

21:06To continue you did though didn't you? Yeah Yeah Yeah, Alex is not gonna get a little little little thing like a dislocated elbow getting the way you know If you're lucky enough to have someone To let you you know share such a moment with them you know You're not chucking it out the window for a bloody dislocated elbow. That's for sure You'd be like a crab mate. They just ditch the arm and then keep going exactly right. No, they just drop to hell skink That's Okay rid of it if you need to All right, well look we we're asking for sexy stories and you have delivered via the way of Amanda who got in touch with us Amanda you you had quite a sexy situation unfold. I did now. This is going back probably over 10 years ago Okay, um I went to a warehouse party. I was invited to a warehouse party on a weeknight And I thought yeah sure we'll go along It was hosted by a band who was quite popular in the early 2000s, but they were kind of a one-hit wonder band

22:14Um, so I always pretty you don't have to give away any more details Okay, yep, that's all right Well, the party was really cool like it was just you know really really chill nice warm lights and everything and after about Four hours um of just you know casual drinking and having some fun It uh some people just started to get a little bit frisky Mm-hmm and I was like, oh yeah cool. Okay, they're just having a bit of fun and then within half an hour Most of the place was it turned out to be quite a big orgy whoa, okay, so Just to understand this it's Maybe two people started attests in public in the party Yeah, and then everyone else sort of shrugged and turned to each other and thought Well, how about we also jump in the pool I think so well, I have a feeling it was probably That's the was the intention of the party. Oh You're gonna run was prepared. They knew they've been to one of these things before Yeah, clearly I I had no idea, but I was definitely intrigued um and yeah, it was just it was really wild

23:19It was a huge warehouse. There would have been Maybe about 150 people there what and you reckon most people were having sex And I I would say most people were but there it was funny because it was also like just Some guys in business suits just having a chat and like standing in the corner talking to each other And then it just be some other people just like dancing and having fun, but for most part, you know Make it or clothes people were going at it and did you get involved? I didn't I was partnered up at the time um, but I did I was trying to avoid our contact for a while because I was like I'll go I don't know if they want me to watch or not and then I just kind of sat down on the couch and there were people Sort of leaning on me and doing what they were doing and I had a drink and was just sip in it and watching and Making eye contact. Wow Do you think the people enjoyed like enjoyed the eye contact with someone else while the definitely their thing was happening wow yeah, and I think there was a bit of

24:19Um, I think there was a bit of you know, you do you want to be a part of this and Well, yeah, did anyone did anyone proposition you or try and you know take your hand and guide you somewhere or Oh, there was a couple of like um Like caressos, but yeah, I didn't do it. I mean hindsight like I probably should have it would have been a bit of fun But do you think well do you think you you look back and think oh that I should have I would have liked to get involved Oh, 100% yeah, absolutely Well, it sounds like you were a respect to your partner at the time and everything Amanda. There's no no worries on that But have you thought about entering that space again? I think I mean now I don't know if you can hear my toddler having him out down in the background Yeah, they do make it difficult I think I always show a little bit more adventurous back then I was You know adventurous enough, but I never got invited back to another party so Well, it's in the adventurousness because in those situations, you know, obviously you learn everyone

25:23It's good to practice safe sex and when I go to the beach, you know You you take along a towel and your floaties and things like that did people come to this party prepared with Safety equipment and and various things or was it just people taken by the moment and all Care was was lost in the wind Do you know this is it sounds like I'm making it up. I did have a slip on the banana peel Moment on the way out. I did slip on a condom I didn't go a over anything it was just a little what and then the kind of back and you're like, yep, okay Yeah, you know, they never did they never did that in learning tunes today. That is a interesting piece adult-sodely Mario Kart edition there Um unbelievable Well, thank you so much Amanda. That is incredible Um, you know who knows what the future holds mate. Who knows well if mountain Alex host one I Wish you to get tickets there we go We'll talk about the reason for our raves is revealed

26:26Amanda I'm in Thanks so much Amanda. We really appreciate it. No worries boys have a good one Well, Alex Dyson. I did promise as we come to the climax of today's sexy episode Um that I would do a little quiz for you. I'm very disappointed. I'm the only one who shared a sex story I just talked about gizzling in a cup and like You know hitting people's heads by accident. I mean you want from me, bro. You're right. You're right. Now we're quizzing in a cup Right here for you Maddo kindness put together a sexy quiz to entertain the masses. Well, we can we could call it two things we could call it quiz in a cup

27:26Oh, let's smash This is where we combine two things a two elements and combine them in a sexual fusion with a rather horny theme Okay, I do not understand at all, but I'm happy to happy to partake Okay, so we're combining two elements and and they will usually be a thing or a person followed by some kind of sexual Something or sexual nature. So to give you an example a really basic example. Mm-hmm. Okay I would say the question would be a champion tennis player gives us the slang word for sex What's the what's the answer? Smash body Okay, oh boy. Okay You know what I mean? Oh boy This is as old people's names you're turning into it'll be it'll be something like that. Yes. Oh god

28:28Okay Okay, and you're up against a listener who was lucky enough to catch us calling out for contestants on at mat.n.alikes like we do sometimes So you always got to keep an eye on our insta please welcome to mat and Alex Bert Hello, how are we all pretty good pretty good Bert? The I think officially we decided our names were what were our names mat and fellace mat and yeah So you can fail the second fellace is the podcast name officially for today. Do you want your name to be flirt instead of Bert? Oh, that is good. Yeah, yeah, I'll be our flirt Okay now flirt you a sexy you a sexy guy. Oh Yeah, well, you know, um, I think if you guys like for my Instagram handle you'll see my last name I am I'm all about that if you know what I mean. Oh Yes, actually I can see it and Indeed Are we allowed to say what it is? No, no, we won't. Are you sure? Ah, no everything's pretty game here. Yeah, so my last name is hard man

29:33So they look hard man But hard man oh Oh, I did I love this all right. You're in for a pretty good game here flirt now mat has Tenuously explained the rules. I think I think you're across what we're trying to do here Yeah, yeah, I've got the you know the basic premise of it I hope to like and if that execute when the you know time comes when the moment comes all right well here it is mat give us the the But queasy in a cup. Let's go. Okay. Here we go question number one What happens if you climax thanks to a comic hammer? Oh Bird bird or flood flirt flirt flirt flirt. What is it? What is it? What's the answer? Have a phone? No, hey comic a comic camera. What happens if you climax? Thanks to a comic short a thorgasm Yes, that is correct. He's a thorgasm. You have a thorgasm all right

30:37Birds taking up the first one That he's maybe squirt I am fabulous. Please. Okay. Here We go. Okay. What happens when Marissa from the OC is in the most common sex position Ah Yep, flirt you're a man. You're red hot on this one. What is it? What's the answer? Missionary button You get it, but you get it Missionary Barton thank you. I'm picking up what you put you put you know Here we go. It's on fire. Okay. Foulos is limp at the moment. All right. Let's get going What if Sam sings a i engine and an Australian TV network both went down on each other Foulos Foulos Six and nine Close A sexer. No, it's not Jim No, it'd be You're both that's that would be them having a bixby nine

31:38Okay, now the servsug a i agent is called bixby. Yeah I've had enough them fun for almost 20 years and I didn't know that Yeah, well The servsung is going to be happy with that. Oh, Sam hung Is what it's called on today's show. Thank you very much everyone. Yeah, his ham's hung Um, I'm jammed wrong Okay, all right What about when an American rapper falls behind during sex falls behind Snook doggie style Two one is currently two one flirts to it now we're finally here with the raunchiest of questions. Oh god Can a fallus catch up to flirt? Yeah Um, the final question. Okay A crash saying for a

32:38Dexterous sexual maneuver Combined with the next home in a way star who's just been announced as a contestant on survival I know I would wait for the neighbor's birth and this is okay wait a crash Lewis Bonken Lewis no no it's it's it's a think of a slang crass phrase it's a phrase Do you know the answer bronze? Do you know the answer link come Have we got the right person at least come on it's a phrase it's crass Three three fingers required for this particular move. I know the move. I know the move Hello, you know, uh, or what I know it as there's our two in the pink one in the stink Yeah, yeah Two in the pink one in the Lincoln Lewis. Okay fine

33:41I'm absolutely never staining way to end You win will send you a prize And your prize is your name being redacted from this podcast So no one will ever know you You got shout out to Lincoln Lewis On the news Nothing to do with none of these people are connected to the to the oh no Bronne, are we gonna get sued the ontonja of it? Yes Bronne do you think we're in trouble at all? No, I think it's fine Yeah, yeah, yeah exactly right Me just thinking the good bloke snooks cool links cool We good chill man flirt you were cool as well. So thank you very much Thank you for joining us on the show I think flirt's gonna have to become a regular character

34:44Yeah, mate you might we might hear you back here one day soon. Oh happy days and yeah, I was just gonna say Matt I'm a breeze bin light and ever since you moved back to Brisbane many many moons ago I've kind of accidentally been stalking you In the sense that I was probably ran into you or being at the same place I think over a dozen times and every time there is just a You know some small factor where I'm not able to come up and be like high five love the pod. Oh, bruh What anytime always come up and say good day with love to chat there we go no drama definitely when I see you around I'll be like maddie and I'll be like it's flirt hard man Yeah That is the best show you could ever do get I I'm flirt hard man That is a different half the nice hot man flirt hard man Just really really James Bondett flirt thanks. He's ma'am. No, thank you guys And that brings us to the end of a very sexy

35:47Matt and Alex yes That we've got to go get out. Well, I'm not a smoker. What do we have instead of a cigarette after sex a musk stick Yeah, let's let's just kick back have a musk stick and just Melt into that wet patch Join us tomorrow. It'll be more normal Which should be a whole lot of fun The final the final chance to win tickets to arrive for this week as well So I jump on board that one that will talk to you then bye-bye Before we turn off the mics. Do you want to do a random round of swear words since we never do it? Oh, yeah No shit Dick not in the mood F**k What is it like these vote people eat pussy? Oh no turn off the mics please Bellbell