Jack Benny - Jack Wants To Appear On Ford Theater

0:00I'll come back up pretty soon. At Amika Insurance, we know you'll always find ways to look out for the people you love. And with Amika Life Insurance, we'll help build a plan to make sure you always can. We're here to help protect the life you've built. Amika, empathy is our best policy. Visit Amika.com and get a quote today. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual, even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this your first day? Oh no, we help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Need a human? Him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your leg anyways. Only pay for what you need at Liberty Mutual.com. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty.

1:00It's been right in front of you this entire time. A leavened charming waterfront town, a hidden gem, uncrowded and ready to host your best vacation yet. And all you have to do is veer slightly off I-95. Visit crystalcoastincy.com slashbookingnow. The lucky strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis David. You're truly that one. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go back about an hour. What is in his dressing room, getting ready for the broadcast? Rochester, did you run over and get me a sandwich? Yeah, boss, here it is. Good. Oh, for heaven's sake. Sardines, Rochester, I can't understand you.

2:01What's the matter, boss? You never get anything right. When I send you for a chicken sandwich, you bring me ham. When I ask you for a ham sandwich, you bring me cheese. When I ask you for cheese, you bring me eggs. When I ask for egg, you bring me turkey. Today, you bring me a sardine sandwich. Now, what did I send you for? A sardine sandwich. Oh, yes, I forgot. But look, Rochester, I figured you'd make a mistake. I asked you for a sardine sandwich because I wanted corn B. I knew that, but they were out of corn B, so I brought you sardines. All right, I'll eat the sardine sandwich. Do you get me a bottle of Coca-Cola? Yes, boss, here it is. Wait a minute. This is root beer. That's funny. I asked for seven of them. No, it's fine. Well, at least you got the sandwich on rye. How did that happen? Oh, we never did have trouble with the bread. Well, I'd better eat it in a hurry.

3:02Oh, darn it. What's the matter? I pick up the sandwich. The sardine slipped out, went into my sleeve. Help me get them out. What a mess. Well, I'll eat after the broadcast. Now, I help me finish dressing. OK. Where's your payday one, boss? The one with the part in the middle of the part on the side. Didn't you bring the black one with the widow's peak? Oh, you can't wear that, you pay anymore. Why not? It turned gray while you were dickering with CVS. Oh, stop. Dusty, maybe, but gray, no. Now, Rochester, who is it? It's me, Jack. Come on in, Mary. Jack, did you take my fountain pen? Yeah, yeah, here you are, Mary. You know, I use it. I just put down a wonderful joke I want you to do on the program and surprise the cast. Here, read it.

4:04Oh, for heaven's sake, Jack. Another joke about my sister, babe. Well, it's funny. Go ahead and read it. I want to hear out a sound on the program. All right. Say, Jack, my sister, babe, lost her job in that restaurant. But Mary, she was with that restaurant five years. How come they let her go? They've got a cat to catch the mice now. Oh, poor babe. And after she let her fingernails grow. Jack, we can't say anything like that about babe. Why not? That's a funny joke. Joke, nothing. It really happened to her. Oh, well, then we won't do the gag. I don't want to hurt her feelings. I'll think of something. Well, I hope you're not serious if I doing the horn blows at midnight. Oh, oh, Ms. Wilson, you shouldn't have said that. Rochester, what's wrong with mentioning the horn blows at midnight? It doesn't bother me, but the ride has turned white. Don't be funny. I'll look, Mary. I'm still going to do that play on the Ford Theater. Let your markle the director gave me a contract and that's that. Now, come on.

5:04Let's get out on the stage. Well, wait a minute. You're not going to do the program in that polo shirt. Why? What's wrong with a polo shirt? Clark Gable wears one. So what? Jane Russell wears sweaters, but I'm a soup gal myself. All right, all right. Come on, Mary. Let's get out on the stage. Hey, Phil! Phil, I hear you, hold it. I heard you, fellas. Hold, hold it.

6:05Hold it. Hold it. Father, time is here. Look, Jackson, what just stopped us for? We were rehearsing a number. I don't, Phil. But I just want to compliment you on trying to improve the orchestra. I know she got a heart this week. Yeah, but we can't use it anymore, Jackson. That was a mistake. Why? What happened? During rehearsal, Frankie woke up, saw the hype, and thought he was dead. No. Then he tried to fly over the piano and almost broke his neck. Well, it serves him right for sleeping during rehearsal. Hey, Jack, let's run through our parts. See how this gets here. OK. Here, Phil. Take a script. Look, Jackson, I don't need no script. I'm loaded with jokes. Phil, take a script. I thought of a gag that's a dilly. Get this. I'm on my way down to studio. I stopped off at the bar. Phil, take a script. And while I was there, I met a fellow who came from Venice, Italy. Phil. So I bought him a drink. He bought me a drink, and I bought him a drink, and he bought me a drink. Phil. We kept buying each other drinks for a couple of hours, and when I walked out, he was under the table.

7:07Phil. Phil, take a script. Well, don't you get it, Jackson? The guy who was under the table was from Venice, the Venetian. So what? I'm the only guy who ever drank a Venetian blind. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, Harris, if you live in Beverly Hills, they'd blow up your house. Phil, don't hit me off. Jackson, I'm rolling now. Hey, Liv, how'd you like that joke, lover? Phil, take a script. Thanks, Mary. And don't get too close to Phil. He might exhale and disintegrate your nylon. Now, look, now, let's cut out all these two like this, and get down to a, uh, a jacket. Oh, hello, Don. Hello, hello.

8:07The poor Ted is here. You better rehearse them first. Oh, the sportsman? All right. Say, do you tell the boys that instead of a popular song, I want something a little different this week, you know, something classical? You know, we have music lovers listening in now. Oh, yes, Jackson, they have a wonderful number prepared. It's Polkielli's Dance of the Hours from La Joconda. Oh, why? What was that then? Polkielli's Dance of the Hours from La Joconda. Oh, yes, that's what I have hoped, you said. Phil, can your musicians play Polkielli's Dance of the Hours from La Joconda? Yeah, but it'll still sound like that's what I like about the song. But I don't want them. Haven't played what's written. Take it, boys. If you're feeling more, if your nerves are tense,

9:09then you should listen for it is conscious when you are tense. Light up the lobby and feel your level best. Your level best. Up on the lucky, you should pop the lucky, take a pop. Take a pop, because we know that you will never get enough. Up on the lucky, get enough. Up on the lucky, sure enough, sure enough. You will like a lucky strike. Up on the lucky level. Up on the lucky level. Up on the lucky level. Up on the lucky level. Where you'll be.

10:09Where you're popping on the lucky, so you'll be. Light an LSM at you. Take a lucky from your best. Take a test. You will feel your level best. Or a lucky strike. You'll feel your level best. Or a lucky strike. Take a smile! Up on the lucky, you should pop. Touch the light, and find it. Smile the bank. Up on the lucky, you should pop. Up on the lucky level. Up on the lucky, take a pop. Step on the lucky, you should pop. So well, I'll dead now, I'll dead now... I'll dead now... I'll dead now... Down, down, that was a wonderful number you prepared to do with the boys.

11:12the punkielle's dance in the hours from La Siena again. Oh, don't, don't, Jack, that's La Siena Tonda. Oh, oh yeah. That's the low-suppolvada. That's the low-suppolvada. You have pico, but I changed it, isn't it? The pulvada's funny, isn't pico, isn't it? And Phil, your answer did surprisingly well. What are you so surprised about? I haven't told you this, but they want my band to play at the Academy Awards ceremony. Really? So why in the world would they want your band to play for the Academy Awards? Well, we play loud and it'll drown out the screams of the losers. Well, Phil, I don't believe that you are your band. At Amika Insurance, we know it's not just what's inside your home that matters. It's who you share it with. That's why we work even harder to protect it.

12:13And as a mutual insurance company, we're built for our customers. We prioritize your needs and are here for you when you need us. Amika, empathy is our best policy. Visit amika.com and get a quote today. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on current insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey, everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on current insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Meet a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your leg anyways. Only pay for what you need at Liberty Mutual.com. Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty, Liberty. Well, what's up, folks? David J. O'Sull here from the WWE. When it's just me between matches, it's day one inch. That means it's Chumba time. With hundreds of casino style games and new titles arriving weekly,

13:14there's always something fresh to try at Chumba Casino. The daily booze make it even more fun. And had me about to get them all during my downtime. Ready for a fun way to chill out and enjoy a few minutes for yourself? Let's Chumba. No purchase necessary. VGW Group, boardware prohibited by law, CTs and Cs. 21 plus sponsored by Chumba Casino. Come in. Jack, look who it is. Oh, yes. Fletcher Markle. Hello, Mr. Markle. Hello, Jack. Jack, I hope I'm not interrupting, but... That's quite all right, Fletcher. I, uh, I suppose you come over to discuss my appearance on the board theater. Yes, that's exactly why I'm here. Good, good. Is it something about the casting? No, not the casting. Oh. Is it about the rehearsals? No, not rehearsals. Oh. Is it about the picture I selected to do? Yes, it stinks.

14:23What? Jack. Uh-huh. As director of the fourth theater. Why are you laughing? What are you going to say? Director of the fourth theater. I beg you, really. Don't do this on our program. Now, wait a minute, Mr. Markle. You signed a contract with me, didn't you? Yes, but you tricked me. That contract said you were going to do an adventure story of the sea called Sailing Around Cape Horn. Well, you didn't read the small type in the contract. The full title was Sailing Around Cape Horn blows at midnight. And that's what I'm going to do. Jack, I think Mr. Markle is right. That script isn't suitable for radio. I know that, Mary, but I went to the screenplay, eliminated all the Dell stuff, and I'm just going to do the part that's sparkled. Mr. Benny, we have an hour of program, not a spot announcement. I know it's an hour program. And I'm going to do the horn, and I'm just going to do the part that's sparkled.

15:26And I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight, and it'll be a great show, believe me. Well, there's nothing I can do about it. So long, Jack. So long, Mr. Markle. Oh, by the way, Jack, when you signed that contract, there was one thing I neglected to get for our records. What's your social security number? Two. Two. Al Jolson is number one. Yes, we got there early. Well, so long, Fletcher, see you March 4th. Goodbye, Jack. To be or not to be, that is the question. Or that's his wiser to use gas and smell up the house or use a pistol and mess up the rug. What do you say, Fletcher? Nothing, goodbye. Jack, I can't understand.

16:26Why, Don? Well, if they're so set against your doing the horn blows at midnight, why do you insist on it? Because once and for all, I'm going to prove to everyone that it's a great story. Now, Don, imagine this plot. The chief of the planets sends an angel down to Earth to blow a trumpet, and it's a great story. It's a great story. It's a great story. It's a great story. It's a great story. It's a great story. The chief of the planets sends an angel down to Earth to blow a trumpet, and destroy the whole world. And I'm the angel. Don't cut that off. I try to do something dignified, and everybody has to butt in, and I never saw anything. Oh, hello, Dennis. Oh, hello, Mr. Bennie. Congratulations. Congratulations. Why? I just saw my bicycle for $10,000. You, you what?

17:26Yeah, look here's the check. Let me see that. Pay to the order of Dennis Day, $10,000. Oh, for heaven's sake. This check isn't even signed. I noticed that, but I didn't want to mention it. Why? When a man gives you $10,000 for a bicycle, why antagonize him? Holy smoke. Dennis, I'm afraid you were cheated. Didn't you even get the name of the man who bought it? Oh, sure. He told me his name, all right? What was it? Napoleon Bonaparte. Oh, fine. Dennis, don't you know anything? Napoleon Bonaparte has been dead for over 100 years. He has? Certainly. And what does he want with a bicycle? Now, look, Dennis. Dennis, my child, look.

18:27Instead of having any more of this nonsense, look at how about running through your song? Okay, but by the way, Mr. Benny, happy birthday. My birthday was last week. I know that that bubble dancer was held over. Good, but now what number are you going to do? The title song from Walt Disney's picture, so dear to my heart. All right, let's hear it. Okay. When you were the dream I would hold, so dear to my heart,

19:29so dear to my heart, that December day, when we strolled on a snow-wide lane. Yes, that we shared will remain, so dear to my heart. And when it's springtime and the fields are dressed with flowers, you're the sweetest flower in view, oh, how I treasure all I have y'all. And the dream I shared with you, say blue in my heart, in a corner of high,

20:30every sweet and new memory, as long as I live, they will be, so dear to my heart. That's a very good song, Dennis, and you sang it beautifully. Why are you just saying that because I'm rich now? Dennis, that checks no good. You never like anything that anybody else has. That is the last time I'm going to compliment you on your singing, because every time I do, you start writing.

21:32Come in. Yes, sir, is there? Well, it's Jack Warner of the Warner Brothers Studio. Hello, Jack. Hello, well, this is a surprise. What can I do for you, Mr. Warner? Well, Jack, I just heard the news about you and the appearance on the fourth theater. Yes, Mr. Warner, I'm March 4th, and I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight. That's just what I want to talk to you about. What? Look, Jack, you made this picture for us in 1944, didn't you? That's right, it was for the Warner Brothers. Well, since then, our studio has produced the adventures of Don Juan, Life of Father, Key Largo, John Love's Mary, and this year are two pictures, Johnny Belinda, and the treasure of Sierra Maderer for the Academy Awards. So, so we're rolling again, let us alone. Now, now, just a minute, Mr. Warner, how can you say that?

22:45You yourself told me that when the horn blows at midnight was shown in Hollywood, the theater made money. That's right, we rented the balcony out as a trailer camp. But Mr. Warner, you can't put all the blame on me. When you did that picture, you made one big mistake. Yeah, I know, we put film in the camera. Well, Mr. Warner, that's a long joke. If I had anything new, I'd have put it in the picture. Well, I'm sorry, but I still think it's a great story. Say, if you didn't produce it good, what could I do? But if you don't listen to me, if you don't listen to me while we were making it, the horn blows at midnight would have been a terrific hit. Jack, we tried everything. He'd made a lot of retakes. It was awful how we threw money away on that picture. Through money away? Yeah, we spent over $500,000 for a new finish. And nobody ever stayed to see it.

23:46So, what do you can't make good picture? Your fluff overlaps? I love Jack. Jack Warner, I want to tell you something. All of that about the horn blows at midnight was not my fault. I think that picture had great possibility. Well, no, Jack, it missed both ways. Both ways, what do you mean? Well, if it had been a little better, we might've gotten our money back in the theaters. Yes, but we're a little worse. It would be unnatural for television. Never m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m, tell of it. That being, I'll tell you Mr. Warner's going to be great when I do it on the Ford Thirth. All right, Jack, if you won't listen to reason, maybe you'll listen to this, we'll give you $5,000 not to do it. No.

24:46$10,000. I'm sorry, Mr. Warner, but money means nothing to me. I've got to listen to his teacher and see if he really heard that. See if I really heard. See if I really heard that. You ought to make your pictures with Jack Warner. I know we were rehearsed. I know. Anything else? Huh? What? Just a little shaky. I've had a paradise man to be very bad. All right, we just watched that. That's all. Here it is. Wait a minute. Here, well Jack.

25:47Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Go ahead. You didn't say that. I say Merry, please. Well, Jack, here's my final offer. My brother Harry and I are willing to take you into the firm and make you one of the Warner brothers. No, I'm afraid not. That means I'd have to change my name. If you do the picture, we're going to change ours. I'm sorry, but my mind is made up. I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight on the radio and that's final, Mr. Warner. Just call me Sam Goldwyn. What? Yeah, you heard it. Just call me Sam Goldwyn. You've got to say good bye. Oh, I just said good bye. Now you get a $50 actor to play Jack Warner. I had to get the Jack Warner.

26:48What? Jack? What? I've never seen you so determined. Why didn't you consider his offer of going in with the Warner brothers? I'll tell you why because I have my own company. I just produced a picture myself called a Lucky Stiff and there's a wonderful article about it in the new Liberty magazine. I know, Mr. Benny. I saw it. You saw the article Liberty about me, Dennis. What did it say? Reading time, 11 minutes. I love, Dennis. But I made it in nine. What? I had my bicycle then. But I don't care about the reading time. What did the articles say of- Oh, I'll get it, Jack. Hello? New York calling? Yes, he's here. Jack, it's Mr. William Paley. They had a CBS. Oh, oh, I wonder what he wants. Hello, Mr. Paley. Yes, yes, this is Jack. Oh, yes, I'm feeling fine. How are you? Good, good. What? Yes, yes, that's right. On March the 4th. Yes, I know the four theaters on CBS. And you want to hear something, Willie?

27:49Let your Markle and Jack Warner give over and try to talk me out of doing the heart. What? Now, just a- I know, Mr. Paley, but- But Mr. Paley. But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- But- Why-

28:49Why Mr. Paley? I'm sorry, Mr. Paley, but I made up my mind, and I'm going to do the horn blows at midnight on the Ford Theater March 4th. And that's final. Yes, Mr. Paley. Goodbye. Hmm. Jack, Jack, how could you talk to Mr. Paley like that? Mary, there comes a time in every man's life, when he must have the courage of his convictions, when he must have faith in his own judgment, so he can stand up and face the world with pride and with dignity. Jack, what's that sticking out of your sleeve? Huh? Oh, it's a sardine. What about caught my suspender? Jack, we'll be back in just a moment, but first- Feeling low. Feeling tense. Please take words that come and sense. Mo-ka-lucky.

29:50To feel your love open. Mo-ka-lucky. To feel your love open. Thanks, Fletcher Markle and Jack Warner. Good night, everybody. Be sure to hear the TVS running line up every week and darkness. That was day and the day in the life of Dennis Day. Day two and frame of plan is called the title to meet at the overmost of these same stages. This is TVS. Let's not be brought to that contest. I'll come back up pretty soon. At Amika Insurance, we know you'll always find ways to look out for the people you love. And with Amika Life Insurance, we'll help build a plan to make sure you always can.

30:52We're here to help protect the life you've built. Amika, empathy is our best policy. Visit Amika.com and get a quote today. Bubba Wallace here from 2311 Racing. You know what's slower than a pace car? Waiting at the car wash. That's when I fire up Chamba Casino. It turns those slow minutes into fast fun. With new games every week, you'll never get bored. Next time you're stuck in the slow lane, speed up with Chamba. Play now at ChambaCasino.com. Let's Chamba. Sponsored by ChambaCasino. No purchase necessary. VGW GroupFord. We're prohibited by law. 21 plus terms and conditions apply. Hey, I'm Josh Spiegel, host of the podcast, Lunatic in the newsroom. If you enjoy journalism that drifts into mild panic, wild overthinking, and a guaranteed nervous breakdown, Lunatic in the newsroom is for you. It's news like you've never heard before.

31:53The only newsroom with a panic button. You're left, you'll cry, and gasp and horror as the show spirals completely out of control. It's not just news, it's emotionally unstable. Lunatic in the newsroom. Listen today.