Jack Benny - Jack Goes into Training For Fight with Fred Allen

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1:05For experiences like no other, there's nothing like Platinum. Learn more at americanexpress.com slash explore dash Platinum, terms apply. K-E-L-L-All The Tell-All program starring Jack Duney with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Kenny Baker, and yours truly Don Wilson. The orchestra opens the program with just one of those things. Ladies and gentlemen, it may be perfectly true that a rose by any other name would be as fragrant. But, if you didn't know what to ask for, you'd never get to enjoy it. So a name is important, it's mighty important whether you're buying flowers for fragrance or desserts for flavor. That's why we urge you to look for the name Jell-All whenever you're buying a gelatin dessert. Because that name is a trademark. It's the property of general foods and it tells you that here is the real thing.

2:06The one and only Jell-All. If you hear any other dessert called Jell-All, you'll know that's incorrect. Well, there is no other Jell-All. And you'll find it's worthwhile to insist on Jell-All because Jell-All brings you delicious, extra rich fruit flavors. It's put there by a special process and it's sealed right in so it can't get out. Strawberry raspberry cherry, orange lemon and lime, all six have this extra rich goodness that makes Jell-All America's favorite gelatin dessert. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell Jell-All. That was just one of those things played by the orchestra. And our ladies and gentlemen, tonight we bring you, or just a moment, folks, Mary, Mary, where's Jack? He'll be right in. He's in the next room sending a telegram. Oh, he's been in there for 10 minutes. What's it all about?

3:06I don't know. Jack said it was none of my business, so let's open the door and listen. Oh, I wouldn't do that. Mary, it isn't cricket. We're not in England now. Open it up, Mary. Okay. She looks mad. Operator, will you please pay attention? I asked for Western Union, you gave me the Plumber's Union three times. I did. Yes, I'm not a plumber. I don't know a plunger from a trombone. Now will you please get me Western Union? All right, handsome. Handsome? Well, you can't even see my face. Well, I can dream, can't I? It's all you've been doing. Now will you please make it snappy? Just a moment. I'll let you talk to information. Look, I don't want to talk to information. We're going to save you from talking to the girl. You don't have to marry her. Look, Miss, I'm in a hurry. Look, Miss, I'm in a hurry. Will you please get me a Western Union?

4:08Okay. Do that guy fight with everybody? Yes, they are on telephone. Here's your party. About time. Hello? Western Meat Market. What your order, please. I'd like a pound. Hey, wait a minute, I've got the wrong number. Operator, operator. Number, please. Look, operator, this is old faithful talking. Now, if it's all right with you, I'd like to send a telegram. Oh, you want Western Union? Yes, and congratulations. This is the longest conversation since Cohen on the telephone. Now, look, operators, the last time I'm going to... Hello, this is Western Union. What? This is Western Union. Well, for heaven's sake, it's your good to hear your voice. How are you? Oh, hello, Joe. When did you get in town? I'm sorry, Miss, but I'm not, Joe. Look, I want to send a wire to Fred Allen, New York City. Oh, so that's the big mystery. This ought to be good. You get the name, Miss Fred Allen.

5:09Allen, how do you spell it? A is an ammeter. L is an liar. Another L is in Leech, E.M. Now, here's the message. Dear Mr. Allen, heard your program again last Wednesday, and this is your final warning. Oh, did you hear him, too? I thought I'd die when you said Jack Benny was a male impersonator. That's very funny. Now, take my message. Oh, yes. Mr. Allen, if you ever mention the name of Jack Benny again, the undersign will personally come to New York and kick your new but unpaid for teeth out. Have you got that? Yeah. Good. Sign at the clutching hand. How much is that, straight message? Jack's a moment, please. The clutching hand. Where did Jack get that name? Oh, you know his roomatism. Quiet. Let's go back. How much is it, Miss? I haven't got all day.

6:09That'll be $2.46 for a straight message. Fine. Send a collect. Thank you, Mr. Hand. Goodbye. Goodbye. Well, that's that. Now, I'll never guess who sent that wire, and he'll be plenty scared. Oh, now what? Hello? Hello, I got Western Union for you. I... I just caught the Western Union. Young lady, how do you keep your job anyway? But right now, I'm sitting on the boss's lap. 800 telephone operators in this city, and I had to get her.

7:54... I'm sorry, I'm late, Don. You can introduce me now. me now. Okay, that was one o'clock jump played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you that swab comedian, that sophisticated humorist, that clutching hand Jack Benny. I still can log in, this is Jack Benny talking, clutching hand. Don, what's the matter with his gang anyway? Can't I even make a telephone call without everybody eavesdropping? Well, Jack, it really wasn't my idea. Oh, it wasn't. No, I thought of it. You know me, I'm just a spy at heart. Oh,

8:54you are. Well, listen, matter Harris. I think, I think spying is about as low a trick as any human being can possibly do. You're right, Jack. Certainly, I'm right. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, clutch. Oh, you too. You want to know something, Mary? You're nothing but a little snoop. Well, at least I never signed a fake name to a telegram. Yeah, where did you get that clutching hand stuff? Bill, it so happens that that was my nickname when I was a kid. Everybody used to call me clutching hand Benny. Why? Because I never had a belt for my pants. That's why, are you satisfied? Well, I got the impression you were trying to scare Fred Allen. Did you hear him Wednesday night? Yes, I heard him, I heard him. Every week I get the same question. Well, I tuned in last Wednesday, and I thought he was exceptionally amusing. Amusing? Don, I've listened to seashells that were more entertaining than out.

9:59And another thing to hear, Alan talk, you think I was a weakling and a coward? That's right, the daily devil. Why? And, you know, Jack, there isn't a week goes by that Alan doesn't mention how tight you are. He says, I'm tight. He's a fine one to talk. Any man that'll tar on feather his straw hat so he can wear it in the winter time. Well, so get it, Jack, is he really that stingy? Tindy, you want to hear something done? I went over to his house one day and caught him painting cheese on mouse tracks. Isn't that awful, Mary? Starving a poor little mouse? Well, I never saw fat one in your house. Because that's all I've got several with double tins. Anyway, let's drop out. I'm talking about something a little more pleasant. I was speaking of something pleasant. I have some good news for you, Jack. You have? What is it done? Well, Phil tells me he's not going to leave our program after all. Really? Why, Phil, what causes sudden change in your plans? Well, Jack, I thought the whole thing over. And after all, you've always been a regular guy with me. And you're a pretty sweet fellow to work for.

11:06And besides that, I had a little trouble with my sponsor. Oh, I thought it was something like that. What happened between you and the bubblegum king? Well, just as we were signing a contract where I was to direct a 90-piece simp in the orchestra, they threw a net over him. Oh, I thought there was something crazy about that guy. Do you feel interested to expect anything? Well, no, I thought he was all right. The one afternoon we just finished a rehearsal. Uh-huh. And the sponsor said to me, can I take your home? I got my elephant waiting outside. And elephant, he must have been baddy. Say, Mary, you had lunch with him a couple of times. Didn't you notice he was nuts? I'll say, he stored a fruit cake and laugh at it. Well, Phil, all I can say is I hope you've learned a lesson and be satisfied to work for a nice fellow like me. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hi, Jack. Say, Jack, you want to hear something funny? What is it, Kenny? I was in the restaurant across the street a few minutes ago,

12:06and you know they got a new waitress there. Yeah. So I ordered a cup of coffee and then I got the talking to her. Uh-huh. And then finally made a date and take her out tonight. Oh, boy! Well, well, what are you laughing at? Boy, you see, homely. You certainly pick him, Kenny, so your date is rough, eh? Did you know what her name is? What? Buck Tuthani. Can you imagine that, Mary, is going out with a girl that has buck teeth? Well, it's got to hang his hat someplace, don't it? That's right. Well, Kenny, now that you're all excited about your date, have you got a good song for us tonight? Oh, sure. I got a tip. Well, that's well. Let's have it. Okay. Oh, say, Jack, not changing a subject, but, uh, did you hear F-A last Wednesday night? Yes, I heard F-A, and I thought he was L-Z. I must not bring that up again. Well, gee, didn't you laugh when he said your arm looks like a buggy whip with fingers? My arm looks like a buggy whip, eh? Well, he oughta know. What do you mean he oughta

13:13know? John, when you're riding behind a horse and you take the buggy whip in your hand and hit something, well, he oughta know. And now, Kenny, if you're ready, you may go ahead with your song. Wait a minute. Come in. Telegram, for Jack, Benny. Try your boy. It's collect. Okay. Wait a minute, Mary, don't touch it. That's from Fred Allen. Send it back, buddy. I refuse to accept it. Well, I refuse to be surprised. Goodbye. Now, Allen isn't going to catch me napping. Sing, Kenny. Imagine trying to hook me for a collect. Tell us. Please, come out of your dream. Come out of it and come into my arms. Castles in the air will never get you away, boy. I'm never sad to let the boy decide you're waiting to hear that you care.

14:28While the moonlight is bright, getting into it makes the most of its life. Tell me with a kiss that you're as thrilling as you seem. Oh, please, come out of your dream. You're standing so near me and yet you seem a million miles away. Are you too far too near me when my heart has so much to say? While the moonlight is bright, getting into it makes the most of its life.

15:36Tell me with a kiss that you're as thrilling as you seem. While the moonlight is bright, getting into it makes the most of its life. That was please come out of your dream sung by Kenny Baker who never will. That was really beautiful, Kenny. Sometimes I wish you'd sing five or six numbers in our program. I better get five or six checks, too. All right, Kenny, I was just paying you a compliment. What a gang. And now ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, some compliment. And now ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we are going to present our version of Paramount's famous Chinese picture, Cop Along Cassidy.

16:42I will play Hop, Mary will be long, and Kenny will pardon me for a minute. Oh, it's you. Hello, Aubrey. Hi, Chief. Everything's okay outside. How's it going in here? Oh, everything is fine, Aubrey. Just keep your eyes open, that's all. I got you, Chief. Ready to go home now? In a little while. Oh, fellas, this is my bodyguard, Aubrey Mulligan. Your bodyguard? Yes, I just hired him today. My goodness, Jack, what do you need a bodyguard for? Somebody's got to help him find his glasses. That's not the only reason, Mary. I figured that Alan might send some thugs out here to get me and I want to be ready. Thugs, eh? Then you're not scared of Alan personally, is that it? Listen, Phil. Why should I be scared of a fella who's so frail that he has fainting spells at least three times a week? Fainting spells? Yes. You know how Alan talks through his nose? You think that's adenoids, don't you? It is adenoids. It is not that obstruction in his nose is built in smelling salts. So the only reason I got Aubrey is for protection against Alan's henchmen.

17:53Aubrey, sit down here and wait till the program is over. Okay. Hey, Chief, how about giving me a knockdown or the thing? Oh, yes. Yeah, this is Mary Livingston. Hi, babe. What you doing tonight? Nothing. You want to shoot some pool? Mary, that isn't nice. Now, Aubrey, besides being a body, gather a couple of more things I want you to do for me and they're very important. Oh, by the way, can you read? In a pinch, Chief, in a pinch. Well, wait a minute. I've got to find out right now. Oh, Don, give me that piece of paper you got there, will you? Okay. Go ahead, read it, Aubrey. The whole thing? Yeah, the whole thing. Go ahead. Okay. It says here, ladies and gentlemen, the next time you're in a mood for a delicious and tempting dessert, why don't you go to your nearest grocer? Pardon me, Aubrey. That's not tempting. It's tempting. Yes. Okay, tempting. And ask them for a package of jello. It ain't only easy to make, but it's a connoble as well.

18:53A connoble? That's not a connoble. It's economical. Stop buttoning or I'll lay one on you. Now, Aubrey, Aubrey, control yourself. Oh, okay, Chief. It ain't only easy to make, but it's a connoble. You want to make something out of it? Aubrey, please, please. It comes in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon and lemon. It's wine. But it was pretty good, Aubrey. Now, just stay around till after the program. You can take me home. And now, ladies and gentlemen, as I start to announce, the poor tonight, we're going to present... Pardon me, I'll take it. Hello? Hello, Mr. Bennett. This is Rochester, too. Oh, what do you want? The telegram just came to the house for you. $8.80 cents collect.

19:53Well, don't accept it. That wires from Fred Allen. He sent it to me for a gag. Well, he must be laughing now. I paid for it. Hey, poor. Where did you get $8.80? I ripped open the mattress and dipped into your reserve fund. Oh, you did. They will stay away from there. Incidentally, I've been missing a lot of bills lately, so I wish it stopped making my bed with a vacuum cleaner. I'll keep the telegram. I'll read it when I get home. Okay. Work moves fast. Every email, report and proposal counts. That's where Grammarly comes in. It's your one place to think, write and finish. Grammarly's AI agents help you find natural phrasing, fine-tuned tone, and confidently write wherever you work. It's the premiere writing tool that 93% of users trust to get more work done. In a world of generic AI, don't sound like everyone else. With Grammarly, you never will. Download Grammarly for free at Grammarly.com.

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21:54Oh, now hop in the car and pick me up. I'll be ready in about 15 minutes. I ain't going near that car, boys. Why, what's the matter with it now? Well, every time I step on the starter, the headlights change places. Now, are they doing that again? Well, what happens when you use the crank? Corby comes out. Now, that's just a big lie. Well, never mind, I'll take a cab home. Okay, so long, boys. So long. Oh, but say it for us. I think you better come home right away. Why, is there anything wrong? Well, as a man been crowned around the household in, now he's in the backyard. In the backyard? Oh, I get it. I'll be right home, Rochester. In the meantime, do something to keep that man there. Shall I throw in some silverware? No! I'll see you in a little while. Hey, fellas, I'm going to run along. Now, Rochester, tell me that someone prowling around my backyard. I bet Alam's got something to do with it. That's what I think. Come on, Aubrey, here's your chance. Okay, Chief. Wait a minute, Jack, I'm going with you. Nothing's doing, Mary.

22:54There might be some rough stuff and you're liable to get hurt. Go on, I can run as fast as you can. Well, all right, come on. Let's go, Aubrey. Follow me, Chief. I'll take you home with my car. Okay, come on, Mary.

24:16He, Aubrey, I'm all in from this walking. It was a fine place for your car to run out of gas. I'm sorry, Chief. Yeah, you sure you ran out of gas, Aubrey? Chief, the gate said full. I said I was out of gas, didn't I? Yes. When you're out of gas, you're out of gas. I know, but I wanted to get home in a hurry. Oh, Jack, we only got five more blocks. Five more blocks, my feet are killing me. Say, Aubrey, why are we walking down such a dark street? See, the main boulevard is only two blocks away. It's more romantic here. Now, anyway, it's a beautiful night, isn't it? Yeah. Don't say, Aubrey, I just happen to think I forgot to ask you for references. Yeah, that's too bad. Yeah. Are you worried, Jack? No, I'm not worried. I'm just tired. Hey, Jack, get a load of that cat-looking guy coming towards us.

25:18Where? Oh, yeah. Hello, Mulligan. Well, this I live in for you to bring to Dr. Dr.? Say, Chief, I'd like to have you meet a friend of mine, Dr. Thorndike. Oh, I'm glad to know you, Dr. This is Mary Livingston. Placed on leeches. How do you do? Funny looking doctor. Are you going all the way to Dr.? Yeah. Yeah, most of them are official in Sudan. So I might as well walk along with you guys. Do you mind, Chief? No. No, no. For right along. Dr. Thorndike. Well, yes, sir. Do you live in this neighborhood, Doctor? I ain't drop in, buddy. Oh. Well, what kind of a doctor are you? He's a swell soybean. A soybean? Yeah, what's the matter? I got you a nugget. Oh, yeah. Yeah, some of my best friends are soybeans.

26:18Hey, Jack. I don't think he's a doctor at all. Look at that bolt in his coat pocket. Oh, that's just his handkerchief. Oh, it's got a trigger on it. Well, gentlemen, this walk is very invigorating, isn't it? It sure is. Oh, Jack, here comes another guy. Oh, my goodness. Well, well, if it ain't all pre-pulligin' in Dr. Thorndike. Hello, Professor Kingsley. Professor? Kingsley, yes. Well, ain't this a coincidence. Oh, Professor, this is Jack Benny. Well, how do you do, Professor? Not yet, buddy. Who's your scoy? It's called me levied a log. Well, fellas, I hate to be rude, but I think I'll run ahead. I'm quite anxious to get home. No, you don't, Chief. Hey, Professor, you want to take a walk with us? Sure! I find a nightmare most beneficial in shooting, so I might as well walk along with you, guys. Well, beautiful evening, isn't it, Professor Kingsley?

27:20Yes, and nuts. That's good. Hey, Jack. Get a load of the Professor's cauliflower ears. Well, maybe he teaches boxing, who knows. Well, Aubrey has another couple of blocks to be home. Safe and sound, Aubrey. Yeah. Do you think it's dark enough here, Professor? Well, what do you think, Jack? I think it's okay. He is swell as night air, so beneficial and soothing. Isn't it, fellas? Yeah. All right, buddy, stick him up. What? You hoist me up with your hands. Why, Aubrey? You're going to run along now, letting him hit your trap, and anybody will bump this shit down your own. Yeah, don't talk. Okay. So long, fellas. Goodbye, Jack. I'll see you tomorrow if I don't talk. All right, boys. All right, you put one over on me. All right, here's my dough. Now, leave me alone. Hey, that's a beautiful watch, ain't it, Aubrey? Yeah. You take it, Doc. I forgot to send you something for Christmas. Send a medal, fellas, anyway. Shut up!

28:20All right, boys. All right, you got my money and watch. Now, please let me go. Oh, no. We ain't taking no chances. Open your pants. My pants. I'm going to be back here at the bedroom Beverly Hill. Get out of theochrome, Doc or Rippement War. Oh, Jack, come on up, fellas. All right, let's just get up there. Oh my goodness! What's the matter with you, guy? Hey, fellas, get a note of the full leg. Ha, ha, ha! Tom, you are going to report to guys of the police. Now, just do that little thing. Come on, let's grandfather, so let's see. Off we molligan your fire. It's a fine thing. Yeah, on the street here, my BBDs. Well, I've only got another block to go, so I'll run home. Here, I'm so embarrassed. Hello, Jack. Hello, Barbara. Oh, my goodness, of all times to meet Barbara's stand week. A Rochester! Rochester, open the door!

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30:27Just try it yourself. It's a grand dessert. Haskeh grows her tomorrow for orange, yellow, and treats the family to apricot pecan layers. And for that delicious extra rich fruit flavor, just be sure you get genuine, yellow. This is the last number of the 19th program in the New Jell-O series. And we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to take this opportunity of thanking all of my listeners, as well as the radio editors and critics, throughout the United States and Canada, for the lovely tribute they paid the Jell-O program, members of my cast and myself, and the recent

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