GGACP Rewind: Episode #18: Jay Thomas

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1:28To be aptly named, the Jay Thomas Show. So here, to tell hilarious stories, and to borrow a pair of my socks for some reason, it's Jay Thomas. Hi Gilbert Gottfried with Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. So with my sidekick Frank Santopadre, and if you've never heard of Ray Thomas, that said you haven't been... Well, Jay Thomas. Yeah, Ray. Oh, if you've never heard of Green G, where you could call me, Ray. And you could call me, G. Really? But you don't have to call me, Johnson. I will tell you, I'm now glad you were fired. Yes. I am. Now Jay, you've known me a while.

2:28Can you please just talk about how great I am? Are you hard of hearing? Is that why you yell like this? Yes. God forbid. I have to put headphones on. Yes. And I hope there's a noise canceling rather than... All right. Well, I will tell you, it's lovely to be... It's weird when you know someone as long as I know Gilbert, we were at the improv together years ago. And I realized I didn't want to be a part of the group of individuals called comedians. I really found all of them like, what? What is wrong with their all unhappy? And I come in there happy and telling jokes because I'm happy. They're all miserable and Larry David is... You know, he'd throw a rope over the... You know, the rafters in the back and when I hang him... You know, I thought he was crazy. You were actually fairly happy, you know. You lived with your mother, I remember. Yes, yes.

3:28Yeah, is she dead now, your mother? Yes. Is that why you live here? Yes, I moved in here. And Dara is taking care of you like your mother did. Yes. But it's a really lovely apartment in a beautiful neighborhood where four guys asked me to move in. Good evening. Now, now, who are the other comics you remember back then? I remember, guys, it kind of didn't make it Barry Diamond. Oh, my God, yes. Yeah, he had a great joke. He said he was playing basketball in a neighborhood so rough, he went up for a lap and a guy shot him in the knee. And I remember going, you know, God, you know, a Piscopo was there who was a good guy and then became a complete asshole. And I think it mits it, you know. And then, you know, had these big muscles and said he never took any juice. And I said, Joe, I've been working out with weights my entire life. And unless I took something I wouldn't look like. He'd demand, you know, but he's gone. I never took anything.

4:28So Joe, Larry David. The Wayans Brothers, I think we're so keen. He and I for Wayne's used to be. Yeah, one night I did a bit where I did the whole, the movie, the TV show, Zorro. There's a television show, Zorro. And I had a wooden horse and I had props and all this and I ride the wooden horse around and I pretend I'm the big fat sergeant and I ride out of the door and the door closes and I'm locked out of the improv. And by the time I got around the front and came back on the stage they'd put on the comic gun. They didn't wait for me to come back. That's true. I came, and then I come riding down the middle and I go and there's, you know, somebody else who was a really good-looking comic. He was in Boston and he had testicular cancer. Oh, yeah. What's his name? That way, I think it was brand-fund Hoffman. Yeah, brand-fund Hoffman. Yeah, I remember him. They were nice guys. Yeah, he was known for testicular cancer. Yeah, he went and he gets testicular cancer

5:30and I think I mentioned it on the stage. And, you know, I was just developing this style of being an asshole, I guess. And there was a ball-headed guy in the front row. So I just worked this ball-headed guy over. And it turns out it's Brant's dead who didn't like the fact that he was a comedian or whatever and he'd come to the show. And I said, well, why do you put, you know, your ball-headed fucking father in the front row? Who, by the way, his head looks like the testicle that's left. Oh, yeah. They hated me. I wanted it. So that was that. And he became the president of HBO, who was the manager. Chris Albrecht. So I know Chris. I see him every now and again, restaurants, how you're doing, and he's the head of HBO. Never calls me. And he's like me and all that. One day I get a call from Chris Albrecht.

6:30Like at my home called the agency or whatever. He says, Jay, I'm doing a show at blah, blah, blah. Would you come and do it? I go, yeah, what is it? And he's, you know, women in film or something. He booked me to MC a free afternoon luncheon. Oh, wow. Women in film. And that was it. He booked me for a free. I guess he figured I'd be the only MC available. Yeah, it was weird. You'd be so thrilled. I did it. I went and did it. You know, and there was, you know, whoever was there. And the women in film. And, you know, I think my line there was, I really loved Bonnie and Clyde. And it was a chick flick with a happy ending. I'm not Bonnie and Clyde. Thelma Louise. It was a chick flick with a happy ending. And they groaned. Because in the end, the two women died in the car. And I said, I never, I didn't go down on women during the period. I remember I said that. You know, I don't need the right room for that.

7:30Yeah, it was all bad. I can't believe it. As my wife would say, well, of course, you'll never use you ever. As long as you live with that kind of. Yeah. It's horrible. Didn't all Brett, wasn't he half of all Brett and Zimuda? He did try to do some comedy for a while, right? And then he was the manager. The bartender kind of a guy over there. Yeah. Yeah. And then Bud would open sometimes. When you were there, did you always want to follow a singer? Who were those sad singers at the improv? Oh, God. Well, I remember she mainly wore catch, but Pac Benetor was a singer at one time. Oh, wow. And Patty Smyth. Holy shit. Yeah, they were like the big singer. Fuck, can you say holy shit? Fuck shit. Oh, God. Yeah. That's right, catch. Wow. And there were a bunch of other singers who went absolutely nowhere. Yeah. And they would sing, you know, and the crowd is there and it'd be polite.

8:31And you're going, oh, you know, they couldn't wait. You know, they'd think anything is funny. And what I remembered when the singers would get off stage, when they were ending and saying, good night, the waitresses for some reason, as a show of support, would start screaming more, more. And I thought the audience is looking around going, we don't want to hear anymore of this. We didn't come to a comedy club to hear singers. The waitresses were to hear more singing. Yes. Yeah. Oh, my God. They must have been the lesbians. Yeah. We had to be the lesbians singers. Right? But, Jay, they said you were a comic. When you started out in New Orleans, you were doing other people's material. Do I have that? Yeah. In high school, I started imitating Bill Cosby and Woody Allen. And whoever. Because, you know, you get an album. Right. They were on TV all the time. And I would do that. And then I'd put my own stuff, you know, there in the middle. And I began to win talent shows and stuff. And then I got hurt playing football.

9:31And it was devastating for me because that's all I really wanted to do. And so a teacher said, look, we're having the talent show. And there were big deals. Like, you know, thousands of people would come over five nights to these talent shows. And so I am seeded by high school talent show at Jesuit High School in New Orleans. And I won the talent show. I wasn't injured. And I won it. And so then other schools called. And so then I was taking typing lessons at the YMCA, which was about 608 blocks from the French quarter. And I would go into the French quarter and I would say, can I tell jokes? And it would either be strippers would be there or there was like a hoot nanny kind of a place or whatever. And they would let me tell these, you know, my jokes. And I would sometimes stand in the where the go-go dancers danced in like a cage. And guys would throw shit at me while I was telling loose brothers. Yeah, chicken wire. And the cops would come and, you know, I was, you know, 16 and I'd hide under the stage.

10:32And it was fun. And I, you know, my parents would have been horrified. So I'd drive it. I would touch the YMCA. I was Catholic. I didn't want to lie. Touch the edge. And then go tell jokes. My dad would go crazy because I couldn't type. And I said, you know, my hand hurts. I can't do it. I got his deathbed. He said, you know, never understood it. You know, you can't type. But you're very funny. I go, well, I don't know how that happened. You rest easy now as you take off, you know. So yeah. So yeah, that's true. It was, you know, nobody knew. Or if they did know, they thought I did a good impersonation. Can you do that? What do you, Alan? A bit about stealing second base. Yeah. Feeling guilty and going back. Yeah. Yeah. Stealing second base. At this paranoid camp, you went to. Right. You know, and then Bill Cosby. I did all the football stuff. You know, pro, this is a kid. Kid, this is a pro. What's the matter with you, boy? Well, I can't get no girls. Yeah, and you ugly too. And oh, Jesus Christ, they would go crazy.

11:33This is your beginning in tropos. Yeah, it was fun. And, you know, I did theater and stuff. And then I, I boxed that wrestled. I played football or in track. And then went on to college and kind of did the same thing. And told jokes. And so I read my own material. And, and became a DJ. Sports announcer first. In Charlotte. No, actually in Panama City, Florida. I was a high school football announcer. And at the junior college. And did stuff there. And then moved to Pensacola. And then to Knoxville. And then to Nashville. And then to Charlotte North Carolina. And then from there, Jacksonville, Florida. And then I moved to Charlotte again and back to, in the New York. I was a big deal in the South. I did basketball, football, told jokes, you know, morning guy and all that stuff. I mean, Howard Stern once said that they used to listen to me at 1999X before they were, you know, they're long Allen. I remember, I made fun of everybody. And, you know, and Steve Allen came in. It was a big deal for me when he came in.

12:33And he wasn't funny at all. You know, he's one of those guys that, and I have comics come on my show now. And it drives me nuts. They don't know how to do it. Like, you know how to do radio. And you're not afraid that you're going to run your show that night or whatever the hell it is, right? There are a lot of these comics who were afraid, I guess if they do their material in conversation, that they can't use it again. And, you know, the joke is, well, no one's listening to this show. But I've thrown a football and told the same joke on Letterman for almost 20 years. And there are still people that come up to me and are sending me the video as if I've never seen it before, right? And it's been, you know, 10 million hits or whatever. So you can tell you the same crap over and over. I mean, you do the same material forever. There are also those comedians that come on the radio that unless the interviewer has it prepared, like it goes like, so I heard you attract them and elevated with a gorilla.

13:35It's worse than that. Yeah. I will lead them to everything I think they should be working on. So I would go to some young comic, you know. I would go, what about that Warren Iraq? I'm thinking they must have some jokes about this area. You know, hey, how about that traffic? Out there. And I say to my producer, I go, you know, just tell me what to ask them and I ask, you know, whatever it is. You know, got boyfriend troubles or whatever, you know. But a lot of young comics come on and they just, you know, all the, let's say over 45 years old, you know, they're all beat up and drunk and everything else, they don't give a shit. They come on, they'll say anything, you know. I mean, if you ever heard anyone yell out one of your bits when you started doing it. Oh, yes. Oh, you have? Yeah, yeah. Is that body? Yeah, it's annoying. I've had opening. Do the Japanese guy for us. They do that one. I've had opening acts doing my bits.

14:35Yes. That's impossible. Yeah, I've heard, I've been sitting in the dressing room during the opening act now. Oh, that's my bit. Oh, my God. We do it in a case like that. No, nothing. Remind them. Yeah. Hey, do you remember the story of Joe Piscopo getting beaten up? Yeah. By a mobster. Yeah. Yeah, he was making fun of it and he was beaten in the coat room and he was put in the hospital for three days. Joe and I were really close friends. He had married a woman from Fort Walton Beach, Florida. I was a DJ in Jacksonville and he was going to a college or kind of a broadcast college there and he and his roommate would do bits on my nighttime radio show. And so years later, like five or six years later, I end up in New York and I'm here as a DJ and I'm here to do my thing, right? And I go to the improv and there's Joe Piscopo telling jokes and we'd never met face to face. I don't think. And I went up to him and I said, it's me, you know, Jay Thomas.

15:36And he goes, what are you doing? And I said, I want to be a stand up. And he got me in there on Sunday nights. I guess we started on Sunday nights. Yeah. So Joe got me to the improv. Yeah. That's how we started. Yeah. I remember Joe during that period of muscle man period. It was weird. He used to grease his muscles. Yes. It was odd. It was a weird thing. Yeah. Why was he beaten up? He made a match. Made a match. I was a catcher. That was the improv. That was a match is where, because he was joking about some guy in the audience and say, so, oh yeah. Don't look mob jokes. Yeah. Like you were doing, pushing your nose to the side. Yeah. All that stuff. You were explaining it to the... Well, no one's, it's not being filmed. Why not you Skype? Why not you Skype this? Yes. But he's doing all the mob jokes. And what are you, a hit man for the mob? Oh. Turns out he was. Yes. And then he comes out, Joe is just there at the bar. His name was Nick Slasher, Abogada, something like that.

16:39No, even better. Well, and then he's out at the bar and out of nowhere, this guy punches Piscopo right in the face. And, just cold cocks. Yeah, yeah. Rick Newman's great advice is Joe run. And he makes a run for it. And then Rick Newman visits Joe Piscopo at the hospital and he's shaking his head back and forth and he goes, ah, I can't believe he did that. I can't believe Johnny Rip would do a thing like that. Well, you know what else? No one, no cops recalled, no lawsuits. Yes. Nobody said anything. You know, nowadays, you know, first of all, you tweet it. Oh, yes. First thing you do, I was beaten tonight. You know, we'll buy an Italian. Then Joe would get in trouble for saying, he was a monster. Paul and Johnny. And by the way, he wore black shoes. That's racist. Yeah. And I ran like a negro.

17:41That's racist. Yes, and I wanted to go home and get an arrow, put it through his heart. Like an Indian, like a red skin. It would have been all, and I wanted to kill his family like a Puerto Rican. It would have been racist. And I turned yellow like a Chinese. Yes, I was as yellow. I was as yellow as the guy that delivers my food. Oh, yeah, he'd be ruined. He'd be ruined. It's way over 146 characters. What could it be? We'd like you to comment on the firing of Anthony from Opini. I said, here's my comment. I don't give a shit. I just hope they free up his salary and give me a raise. I don't care. What do you think of the Redskins controversy being a football guy? I think he has to change the name. And I think he must be trying to save on, on, I don't know what, what stationary. I don't know what he's doing. He's got to change it. Well, now he's lost his copyright protection. The Redskins. How about that? Come on, Redskins. Let's go.

18:42There's really no fearsome name you can think of. That's the problem. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. But first a word from our sponsor. Now, now you much like, what was the guy on, on married with children originally from happy days who killed every show? Oh, I know you're talking about. He did something. Ted McGinley. Ted McGinley. Yeah, I have that in me. So you would like the Ted McGinley. Yeah. For a while. What shows have you killed? Well, there was, there was a line of them back, back, back. But, you know, I was, I was added to the cast of Hung next day, canceled. I did Dennis Miller's TV show, canceled. But literally the next day. Yes. Sherry Shepard interviews me. God told her it was over. To read that statement. God made the earth in seven. That's a completion. She's been here seven years. So, so it's over for her, you know, that's it.

19:45I've watched shows that were canceled. This is sad and why I didn't cancel the next thing. I just saw that show the first time last night. Not a lot of power. Yeah. You were put on right at that desperation stage. You know, there are always these series. I have, I have had, I have done that the desperation. That's a shark jumping gun. Yeah. Okay. This one, this was a show that was a big hit at one time. And then they went in for every gimmick and stunt, an extra character they could throw in to try to salvage it. What show? Mark and Mindy. Well, no way is that. Well, he was there for three seasons. Yeah. Wait a second. Mark and Mindy was the number one show because of Robin. And I remember watching it. And I was not done some off Broadway stuff and was fooling around with you guys. And so I'm watching, you know, Mark and Mindy and thinking, wow, you know, this is crazy. And I get called for an audition. And I was in that group where Jay Leno's face scares children. Have you heard that?

20:46Oh, yes. Yeah. That was Mark and Mindy. They looked at his face. These were in the days when they flew you out the Hollywood for a screen test. And this is what I remember. I go and hundreds of guys are trying to get this part of the deli owner. And I win the audition here and they fly me out first class. I'd never been in a first class seat. And I'm working at the radio station at 99x at the time. And they, I'm in the first class and I can't believe this is going to be Shatto Breon and Champagne. I mean, it was when it was big deal. And all of a sudden, they bring in and they lay down two seats next to me, two giant first class seats, like right next to me. And the one behind me, so it's me and now the seats have been leveled. And they bring on a stretcher. And in the stretcher is an old dying woman that's transporting from New York, and they put her in the seats next to me.

21:54And when I say dying, dying. And so her daughter can't afford the first class seat for she's in the back. And the daughter comes forward to roll her mother so that she doesn't get any more bed sores. And it's a six hour flight. And here comes, here comes the Shatto Breon. You know, the cocktails, the whatever. And every now and again, this almost dead lady fart would come, wafting. And then the daughter would come and she would ask me for help and we would move this blanket. And the old lady would go, six hours across the country. Yeah, that's it. You can't, you can't write it, make it up. Nothing. So yeah, it ruined my whole trip. But you get there. I got there.

22:56I get there. And the audition is like on Monday and they put me in the holiday in there in Hollywood. And Alien was showing. Okay. And it was pilot season. All the comics were out there. And Larry David was there. And I think Rob, who was the, oh God, I know I'm so well to it. I'm forget. Robert, he played the agent on HBO. Oh, Rob, yeah. We're all forgetting. Oh, from Odin Kirk. No. No, no. Robert Wool. Yeah. Yeah. And they're all starving. And they're all comics and they're there for pilot season. So Aliens play. And you know, this keeps moving. So I'm doing anything to relax myself. I go over and I see these comics that I know. And I get in line and I see them all. I'm saying hi. And I'm so happy to see them and everything else. It's like eight or nine of them. And I go, what do you got? You know, we're all here for pilot season. And we're delivering this thing. And I said, oh, well, I'm here at the, the holiday in Paramount flew me in.

23:58And I'm, I'm screen testing tomorrow. Oh, wow. Yeah. I went and got popcorn when I turned around. They had dispersed. They were not sitting with me. They were not around me. That was that. So now I go into this unknown movie. And I'm, you know, just there. And I can't stand horror movies. I'm scared to death and things. I sit down in the middle next to this. And there was a black guy next to me. I'm sitting down there. When that monster came through John Hertz. Yes. Chess Berster. Yeah. I grab on to this black guy next to me. And I, I don't, I mean, I'm like in his leg. Like, get the fuck off me, man. Oh, yeah. And so I watch Ali. And that ruins me. I go back to the room. I wake up. And I read with a series of girls that were going to play my, a sister. And so I pick out the cutest one.

24:58And immediately want to, you know, fuck her that night. You know, I thought we'll be on TV a long time. Why not fuck over while we're doing it? It's reasonable. They hired the least fuckable woman of the group. And she played my sister because she played cards with, you know, Gary Marshall or whatever reason they chose. And then I go do more in Mindy. And for some reason, Robyn had no interest in me being there. He wasn't exactly mean, but he wasn't welcoming. And I know he was all coked up and all that kind of stuff. But instead of me, the character taking him places and showing more, you know, the world or whatever, they, did you do a more in Mindy? I know. Oh, they would bring in, they brought in, you know, Paul Rubens came in. He was a comic. They would bring in all these comics. And they would have the scenes with Robyn. And I would have two or three lines or whatever. And if I had a show, I thought I did, I did well. So, you know, Robyn just, you know, wasn't San G.

26:00Let me be with Jay, right? And so now this first season ends. And I'm making like $10,000 a week, right? And the agent that I'd gotten didn't believe or something that I would got these big auditions. And I was already in radio. I had a lawyer over the years. So I call the gap and said, look, I've got a huge audition. And you're not really treating this properly. So I'm not going to use you as an agent. And he says, well, I'm going to sue you. I go, well, okay. But, you know, I don't know. So I call this lawyer for Into Mind. And I go, you know, this agent guy, he says, well, I know the vice president of Paramount. And my lawyer calls up and he goes, yeah, we got you the deal and the whole thing. And so now that the agent sews, sews is, right? And for five, you know, for 10% or whatever it was. And I hadn't signed a contract with him. And in LA, they make you sign. But in New York, everybody was running around with those. And had I won the lawsuit, I would have changed.

27:01All these actors could have just stopped working with their agents who they never signed with. So now the union gets involved. Everyone gets involved. And I think I paid the guy 5% for a year. So now, I didn't have an agent had no one to send the check to. I would stand in line with all of the truck drivers and everyone getting their checks on a Friday night at a window at Paramount. And they were getting $800 or $1000. And this $10,000 check would be handed to me through the window. And I would get this $10,000 check. And I'd made, you know, $67,000 a grantee. I made money as a radio. Now I'm making, you know, so I would sign a piece of paper and I would go to the bank and put my $10,000. I didn't even need two shows. The $10,000 you'll ask me forever. Sure. $10,000 a week. Yeah. The lawyer guy calls me. I still don't have an agent. I have no agent. You know, I don't even know how to get an agent. I'm on national TV, no agent. He calls up because, oh, and this is what they used to do in Hollywood.

28:01They would lower your salary and cut your shows. And of course, you quit. You couldn't, you quit. So the lawyer calls up and goes, look, you know, they're not as happy with you, blah, blah, blah. They're not going to give you a full season. I go, oh, okay. I'm on the phone in my apartment in New York. He goes, yeah, instead of doing, you know, 13 or 26 or whatever, they're going to give you eight out of 13 shows. And they're going to cut your salary to $9,000 a week. And I go, okay. And the guy goes, did you hear what I said? I said, yeah. Eight times nine is 72, something like that. And you could still get along. It was fine. You didn't need to tell a phone. And the guy kept saying, now, do you want someone to negotiate? No, I think this is going fine.

29:03I think this negotiation is really going well. And I said, you know, where do I go to get the papers? When I show back up at the set, everyone's like, what, what did he do? Like, we cut his salary, we cut the show, he's just okay. He said, all right. You wouldn't take a hint. So I did the next season. And then in the third year, they fired me in about four of the people. And they hired Jonathan Winters. Yeah, that's what they did. But I, you know, I did 30 shows or something. And, you know, it was in like the whole time. I did 14 minutes or whatever. You know, it was weird. You know, I wasn't any good either. But they also didn't really have me ever. It was one of your first acting parts, really. Yeah, yeah, I mean, I'd done theater and stuff. But it was, it was, I didn't really do enough work to get better, you know, to become a TV actor. Then I came back to New York, went back in the radio, and did four or five years of solid theater, and did some more stand-up, not a lot,

30:03and really learned how to act. And then when I went back to LA again, I was replaced by Howard Stern. You know, he learned so much from me that he beat the piss out of me. That would go on to happen many times. Yes, he did, many markets. And so I go out there, and I got on audition for cheers, and I got on cheers. Yeah, that's how that happened. Now, he was a story. I was talking with Frank about. What? I don't know where he's going, Jack. What is it? You, you then, you're, you're on cheers, like a number one show on the air. Yeah. A second number one show I'm running. Yes, yes. Number one. I played a really nice guy, though. I played a really sweet, ready LeBeck. Really sweet player. And then you went back to your radio show. Number one radio show. Yes. And had some, we're talking about... Re-appariment. Re-appariment. I would make fun of the character, Carla.

31:03I mean, everybody did. Yeah. And I was being listened to all over LA, right? And I go to work, and I started noticing she didn't speak to me. You know? And guys will call up, and they go, hey, what's that collar on her? You know? They got to pay you extra. I go, yeah, I get, I get battle pay to kiss her. And we rub our, rub our stubble together, you know? Ha, ha, ha. So one day I'm home, phone rings, and it's Jimmy Barrow's the biggest director. Yeah, sure. And I had, I'm in my living room, and he says, are you sitting down? I'm thinking, I know they're going to add either BB New Earth or me as a main character, because I was recurring, but I recurred a lot. Oh, cover a TV guy. Mm-hmm. One hour specials, we did it all. We had children together with everything. And he goes, well, and he goes,

32:03now, this isn't because of Rhea. Ha, ha, ha, ha. What he opens with. Right, so you know it. Ha, ha, ha. And he's, and I go, you mean, I'm not coming, no, you're not coming back, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. So it's kind of quiet for a minute. And I go, well, okay, I'm, I mean, I think he reiterates, you know, this isn't for Rhea. There's a Rhea. And I go, okay. And so then it's quiet, and he goes, do you want to know how we're going to get rid of you? And I go, okay, he goes. Ha, ha, ha. Well, we find out you're a bigamist. And, and you're, you're such an old beat-up hockey player that you run over and killed by a Zamboni machine, which goes like half a mile an hour and cleans the ice. And he starts to die in life on the phone. And, and you were traded to the Pittsburgh Penguins, which we know, but it's the ice cupades penguins, and we're going to bury you in your penguin suit. So, there's so much of an actor I am. You want me in the coffin?

33:03You know, I would have gone back for another, for another nine grand. I'd have gone back, and died and been dead. Like sherry friggin' shepherd, you know I, hung around and he can't me out. You know, oh, you fired me wrong. Give me some makeup, I'll be back out. You're, you're old buddy Ken, and Ken Levin. But a funny blog about, about the death of Eddie Levin. Yeah. Yeah, recently. The baseball guy for the pod race. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So you killed one show. I were killed on another show. I've been killed. Yeah, it's all happened. It's all happened. And you, but you won an Emmy. Two. Two Emmys. Nominated three times. OK, one was Murphy Brown. Two, all three, all of them. Oh, all were Murphy Brown. So now I lose my job at Cheers. Back to the radio. Then I was doing other episodics. I was on the radio. And you know, when I would make fun of it on the air, you know,

34:03I was playing, you know, dance music. I mean, every Mexican in LA listened to me. And my car was parked immediately when I pulled up. I couldn't get into the club. But my car was waiting for me when I came out. So not like I'd been there. Don't be able to go. And so now I apologize to Mexicans. I am Mexican. My mother's black. I'm not apologize. People, how can you make fun of black and my mother's black? And she has those big immigrant nipples. Big. It looked like that hard sausage that you're buying. The Italian dollar. I didn't want you to cut. You have like dots all over. God damn you. You made me choke on my own shit here. So they send you a script.

35:05This happen with West Wing too. And you know, I was kind of known. And no one knew what happened to Cheersman, you know, it wasn't like Twitter or whatever. So I go in and. And they'd been on the air for a few years at Murphy Brown, like two or three years or whatever. And they were looking for a guy to be in the office or something like that who was kind of an overbearing asshole. So I come in and the people there and a director I knew from New York was there. And a guy that had brought Barnett Kelman was his name. And Diane English is there and they're all there. And so I come in and I begin firing like an asshole completely. I looked at Barnett and I go, I thought you were dead. You know, I did all that shit, you know. And you know, I animated the ad or something. He was very skinny, you know, you know, whatever. And I get back to the car or get the phone and my agent goes, well, what did you do over there?

36:05What happened over there? I go, what do you mean? Well, they don't, they don't, you're not being called back. And they don't want you like to come back over there. I go, well, no, I was, I was playing the character, you know how they go. I came in and he was all, ball headed. He brought a knife with him. We hired him as the killer, you know, you were doing a little method, dead, completely, you know, get out of here. So other stuff happened. I do, you know, other work and everything else and a few years passes. And they have another character named Jerry Gold that no one saw, but it was the nemesis of Murphy Brown, the left wing news announcer and Jerry Gold was, you know, like Bill O'Reilly or somebody, right? Morton Downey Jr. was the guy back then. So they go, we got to get somebody in here and they go, hey, remember that asshole, Jay Thomas, that yeah, let's get him back, that's what I got. So they call my agent and he says they must have forgotten that they read you three or four

37:06years ago, but go in anyway, you know, I go in, I am nervous, I'm completely nervous. So they give me the script and I read and it's dead silence and they go, what, what is, what's that? What is that? I go, they go, act like you did before. I go, what do you mean? When you said he was going to die of AIDS and all this kind of, all this kind of shit. And so I just acted like that in the game of the job. They wanted you to go off script. They wanted me to act like an asshole. I see. What happened? And now I did that, I got called for the West Wing, I choked in a guy, I should, why am I eating during interview? I, Rob Lowe was sitting in the lobby, sweating bullets and because of that video or whatever, he hadn't worked in a long time and he had been called back four or five times. I'm so well known, I was just called back for the final auditions for West Wing to play some guy in the White House and my agent's going, you know, it looks like you and two

38:09other guys, no sweat. So Rob is out there sweating, I say, hey, man, what's going on? He goes, hey, I'm back five times, I don't know what's going to happen. I go, shit, you know, they had to hire you. I go into this room full of people, John Wells is there, you know, Sorken probably had done like a half a gram of Coke and he's sitting up in the audience up there, West Wing. And I go, before I audition, I'd like to say, I think you should hire Rob Lowe. And this room full of people goes, why? I go, because he has a huge cock, you'd see the tape. And if you see the video, you see the girl right here, a big squiggly line, Rob is right here. And they threw me out of the audition. I get back to a phone and my agent goes, what is, what is he doing there?

39:11I drove back to Santa Barbara and we moved, we moved away, we moved to the East Coast. I'm at joking. Wow. Yeah, it was bad. It was bad. Even today, the casting director will hug me and say, that's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my life. It ruined you, but it was the greatest. But how did you manage to get the part? I did it from this. I didn't get the part. Yeah, that was that famous Rob Lowe with the two girls. Yeah, and they told, they didn't even want me on the lot. It was like weird, because that's all, that was their problem. They couldn't decide whether they should hire this nice looking guy to play the part or if this video thing would play into it, but no one would say it. So I said it. It'd rob every contact you and say, we know each other, I did a little movie for him. I never told him I did this, but maybe he's heard it. I don't know. It's not a story I tell on talk shows. Just did. Well, in this one I would. Yeah. Who's going to hear it? No, no one at all. It's going to work on who it is.

40:12Now, you've worked a lot with it. Like a choking die here, and you know what? It would be like in the old days when they go like this, President Adams, what? The war is over. They signed the treaty a month ago. Oh, wonderful. That's how long it takes, you know, information. The treaty was signed. France surrendered win. Two years ago, oh, thank God, bring our troops home. You know, they're still fighting and the ships are going over. Now, you've worked with and our friends with Richard Dreyfus. Yeah. I did Mr. Holland's Opus, and then he would hire me to do stuff. And he was doing a drama at PBS, and he got hurt. And they go, well, Richard, what are we going to do? You know, and another scene, we can get another actor, and he goes, yeah, I think you ought to bring Jay Thomas in. And all of these dramatists at PBS, they go.

41:15Jay Thomas. And he goes, yeah, that's why I want to replace me. And they called me up, and I had 103 fever. And the director calls me and goes, hey, what are you doing? I go, oh, man, I'm really sick. I'm in bed. He goes, yeah, I'm doing this thing with Richard there in New York. And that's too bad. They'd like you to come. And I go, you mean to be on the ship? How much? $10,000. I said, that's my number. I got up, got an airplane, burning in fever, and flew on. And then he did a play and stuff. And then he did a show called The Education of Max Bickford with Marsha Gay Harden. And if you go on my Jay Thomas. It's Richard Dreyfus and Marsha Gay Harden and me, you know, the two Academy Award winners. Yeah, I mean, he was great to me. I'm really wonderful. That was a great show. Yeah. It was good.

42:15And you know, they didn't promote it. They shouldn't have canceled it. It was good. But you know, that's what they did. It's funny, because Stryphus has that image of being like the actor. Yeah. And he's a great guy. And he was a loved working with me on Mr. Holland's Opus. And there was a play ring. And I had owned a screenplay for a while. And he came and did the reading for me. And he was wonderful. You know, I mean, it was great. And then the PBS thing was a big deal for me. So like not at all full of themselves. No. Just a great guy. He once flipped a car on sunset. And when they got there, the Coke was falling out. Like, you know, and I think after that, he got straight. He stood back. There's a lesser known film that I love him in. There's a film. Once around. Yes. Once around is wonderful. One of my favorite films. Lots of lots of house films. Yeah. And also the big fix, which you can't find, which is a film noir, where he put modern day film noir. I play as a pride of... I've seen it, but I think once around is one of the...

43:16He's great in it. Holly Hunter. He said to me, once around hurt my career, because he plays such an obnoxious guy, that he said, people thought I was like that. And I said, maybe that's my problem. You know, because I'm really am obnoxious. You know, it's funny. I think people think I'm going to act weird on a set, which I've never done. I've never, you know, I do my work. And I'm doing a play now. My son wrote the music for it called, somewhere with you. On 42nds, you just go to somewhere with you. And I do Ray Donovan, also, on Showtime. Now, is there any chance, or is that strictly for Letterman? What? Of the Lone Ranger story. No, I'll tell you the after story. Okay. Everybody knows that you can go online and see the original. Yeah. You know, it's a treat for people that don't know it. Jay does it every year on the Letterman show. But they know Christmas. Somebody knows it. But the Lone Ranger, I opened car dealerships. I was a dischocchi, and you can see the whole thing. And so, after it's over, there was a car wreck. And the Lone Ranger helps me and my stoned friend

44:17out of this situation. So, we get back in the car. And we're driving the Lone Ranger back to this hotel. Motel in Charlotte, North Carolina. Right? And so, we're so thankfully helped us out of this wreck situation. And we're getting back to the Red Roof Inn or whatever. And is there anything we can do for you, Mr. Moore? And he goes, as a matter of fact, could there be any, um, perhaps entertainment or... Or... Or... Or... And we go, we realize he wants a chick. And he's wearing a mask in the hat. The whole thing. He's wearing a mask in the hat. The full Lone Ranger. Yeah. Get up. I just recently... His daughter contacted me to tell me how I kept her father's memory a lot of time. Well, I'm going to tell you a story that's going to ruin your father's memory for you. And I told her this story. Um, I said, so Mike and I knew this girl.

45:17Her name was Melanie. And her last name is a color. You can pick whatever color you want. It's a color. And she liked to screw celebrities that came to town. And we would color up. And we would go, Melanie. You know, um, you know, Cheech and Chong are in town. She'd go fuck Cheech and Chong. You know, Melanie. Tony Orlando is in town. She sucked Tony Orlando, you know. Ty a yellow ribbon around my dick, you know. So, you know, and your new Melanie was there. So we call Melanie up, you know. And the Lone Ranger, the show had been off the air for quite a while. Sure. And she was, you know, much younger than we were. And so I go, Melanie, we're in front of the Red Roof Inn right now. And the Lone Ranger is in town. It's dead silent. And she goes, really? I go, yes.

46:18And he, we've told him all about you. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So I said, look, we're going to come get you. And she was a lovely girl. Her father was like a big realtor or whatever. And she would bring girls to me who had never had an orgasm. And I would make sure they'd still never had one. But would work with them, would work with them. And so, you know what works? You get top of where. And you know when you click it, you put their clip in there and you click it. And it works. Somebody got a pen? Yeah, write it down. So, I, I, so we go get Melanie topper. We bring her back to the Red Roof Inn. And I say, look, we're going to go out to the radio station. And I'm going to get the William Tell Overcher. I'm going to bring it back to my apartment. And after you're done, we're going to come get you. You will not speak. And you will come into the apartment. We're going to play. Put it up. Put it up. Put it up. And you will tell us everything that happens when you enter that room.

47:20We wait, you know, about an hour, hour and a half. Get back to my apartment. I make sure, you know, there's, you know, turn tables and all that. My friend and I, we take showers. We get ready. Phone rings. We go get her. Don't speak. Don't speak. Get her back. Put it up. Put it up. Put it up. Put it up. Put it up. And she goes, I went to the door and he opened it up. And he had on a blue robe that looked just like the Lone Ranger outfit. And he wore these glasses that looked just like the mask. I said, what? He dressed just like the Lone Ranger except in casual wear. So she comes into the room and he has food and everything. And she said, he had equipment. I said, equipment. He had, and you know, we didn't know from vibrating. We didn't sell the whole thing. We used our penises. You know, you want to vibrate. We shake our dick a little bit.

48:20You know what I mean? You know, put a, put a fucking, you know, electric toothbrush up your ass. That was about the amount of money. And ever. So, so she goes. He was, he was wonderful. And when he takes his robot finally, he has pajamas that are the same color as the Lone Ranger, you know, outfit. And he made love to her and he vibrated her and did all of these things. And meanwhile on the background, Yeah, that's true. Fascinating. How old is Claymore at this point? He's probably, the show was on the 50s. Yeah, I guess he was in his late 60s or whatever, which then was old. Now, of course, 60s the new not dead yet. Wow. Over to get you to laugh like this. I, you can't tell you what a thrill it is to get you to laugh, okay. Wow. What an honor to hear the after story. Yeah. The after story.

49:21The after story. We will return to Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast after this. This episode is brought to you by Whitecloth Surge. Nice choice, hidden up this podcast. No surprises. You're all about diving in a taste that everyone in the room can enjoy. Just like Whitecloth Surge. It's for celebrating those moments when connections have been made and the nights just begun with bold flavors and 8% alcohol by volume unleashed the night. Unleash Whitecloth Surge. Please drink responsibly. Hard Salter with flavors. 8% alcohol by volume. Whitecloth Salter works. Chicago, Illinois. Now, we were told. No commercials, right? Yeah. Gilbert and I were told who would the who would the fuck sponsor this? We got one a rug company. Hi, Melvin's Rob. I'm Melvin. We got one offer. All right. You want to ask Jay about the Darva Conger? Oh my God, yes. How'd it matter?

50:21Well, there's a new show on called Married at First Site. It's great. We just talked about it on the view, actually. Yeah, exactly. And it's really, and you know, before it's over, they're running out of ideas. Let's watch retard's fuck. It's coming. It's coming. But so they hire me. They call up and buck walls my agent and they go. Billy crystals turned them down and this person's turned them down and they're trying to get someone to host this show where they were a multi-millionaire guy as married as someone he's never met. I go, oh my God, I'm, you know, I don't want to do that, you know. I'm working in New York, I'm doing great, and I don't want to do that. So a week passes, they can't find anyone to do it. And the number goes up to like a hundred grand for like two or three days. And I go, Jesus, am I Asian, let's take the money, no one will ever see this thing. So I go to Vegas and bring my whole family, we rehearse, and there's all these women, and they're vying for this so-called multi-millionaire.

51:23The guy owes two millionaire. Rockwell. Yeah, it doesn't. Yeah. And he's friends with Heidi Fleiß' brother who's the producer. Can you get any sleazier than that? So they do this show and it's happening and it's live. And this judge, after watching it for like two or three hours, who's going to perform the wedding, says, I want to leave. I don't want to do that. I go, you can't leave. You cannot leave. So now all they're going to get down to eight or ten girls, and Darva Konger was just a bitch, right, being a bitch. No one has seen the multi-millionaire and he's hidden behind in a bubble, like in a shroud. So one of the breaks, I run behind the shroud and I go, whatever you do, don't marry the blonde. And he looks up, he's shocked, you know, the security around him, he goes, oh, that's the one I like. Don't, don't. And the producers get mad at me and he goes, well, I'm not going to go, she is a bitch. So I go back, well, he chooses Darva Konger.

52:28And he tongue kisses her and she is in shock. Now she was there playing the game with everybody and he says to her, you know, Jay told me you were a bitch and not to marry, oh, you know, don't help me, don't help me, any. So they get married, she cries all the way to Hawaii. He brings a buddy of his and another woman. They're all drinking and acting crazy and Darva Konger is sorry, and she is married to this guy. And they go to Hawaii and it blew up in their faces. And then they said that he had, you know, threatened a girl friend or something, who knows it was in true and the president of Fox said, we will never, ever do a show like this again. Well, he was, he's no longer with us. And they canceled the show and then, you know, he had a life afterward, right? And I went on every show there was to go on and Darva Konger and I would appear as a person she hated and she started saying, well, I wasn't, didn't want to really do it.

53:28And I would go, why are you lying? You didn't want to do it. So what? I live in Santa Barbara. She ends up as a nurse, an emergency room nurse in Santa Barbara. Had I ever been really injured and bleeding, can you imagine they're taking me into the fucking thing and there's Darva Konger, you know, turning the oxygen off or whatever. And you know, I think she is still a nurse in play. I think her sister is like a big realtor in Santa Barbara. But that was really the first reality show that really was. And I remember that. And that was canceled. So there you go. That was canceled. She kept saying she wanted her old life back and then she posed for a play. Oh, yes. Of course. Yeah. Yeah, it was weird. And there was such, really, there was a girl from Washington who was a little bit overweight with braces. And I said to him, I said, marry her, she will be so happy, you know, girl with braces with a couple of pounds on her, you know, this she'll be faithful, you know. That show would have run forever.

54:29Now a buddy of mine comes over at like 730, quarter to eight. We're going to dinner. It's the night the show is going to run. We taped it like a week before. I really am not going to watch it, right? But some friends of mine had gone and they stayed for the four hour taping. And I said, okay, you know, I couldn't believe it. So they edited it and all that. And my friends was, what show is it? I said, it's this crazy show where a multi-millionaire just marries this woman. And he goes, well, let's watch it. So we like smoke a joint, you know, and we get some cocktails. And I turn on the TV. And after about 45 minutes, we can not leave the apartment. It's that, it's that river that he's turned me on all my, meanwhile, the show opens up with three million people, second half hour, six million, third or fourth half hour. It ends with over 20 million viewers. People are calling. You've got to watch this show. And I go, oh my God, this is it, this, and I did it, you know.

55:35And they, within three days it was canceled, you know, O'Reilly wanted me on because this was the end of civilization as we know it, all this. Another end of civilization. Yes, another end, you know, by him. But yeah, that one nowhere. But it was fun. It was fun. And man, I got paid a hundred grand for like two days. I mean, that was like being in some big standup. No one would do the show. No one was wild. I had a tuxedo. The New York Times had me in the front page, I'm seeing it. And they reviewed it and said it was all awful. And they said, but Jay Thomas somehow watched it with us almost away from it in a, in bemused horror. Right. Now, I've been acting a long time and I don't even know how to play bemused horror. I don't even know. It was a compliment. It was. So that really kind of put me kind of in a, you know, yeah, I was bemused. I was horribly am bemused by it all. Yeah, I would have done it forever for years, you know, and been very rich.

56:36It's still infamous. It is. And you worked with Woody Allen. Yeah, Woody wrote a play called Writer's Block. It was kind of like the one, a purple rose of Cairo where there's characters and they're really characters in a play and then real people come in. And so the agent calls, she says, look, you know, she calls, she said, look, don't fool around with him. Don't do anything. Don't make jokes, you know, and his casting director forever, it's a Jane, something of her other, she's been with him forever. Is it Julia Taylor? Somebody around, I forget. So I go in the room and they, they give you two pages. And, and so, you know, I don't really know much about it. So Woody is there and he's got his head down and his hands are over his face and he's got that hat on. And Chevy Chase is waiting in the lobby, Chevy's there. And every comic, every actor, everybody's reading for this part. And Chevy is shaking. He's so nervous. It's really weird. Yeah.

57:37And it's, you know, I mean, I, I read for a lot of stuff, so it's okay. So I go in and I begin to read and apparently it's the wrong script. It's, you know, an old version or whatever. So I hear Woody say, he's meaning a script and I go, you can talk up. I can hear you. So he looks up and keeps his hands like over his head. And, and so the woman says, Jay, they, they've given you an old script and we really want to give you, you know, something else to read. Would you like to leave the room and look at it and come back? I go, that's the oldest trick in the book. I'm not leaving the room, okay? And they're going, oh, this guy's fucking around and I go, and I go, look at me. And when I talk, and I get the thing and I read and I leave. And Chevy goes in after me and I'm not two blocks away and they gave me the part.

58:38I mean, I couldn't believe it. So I start doing the play and it's me and BB New Earth, Paul Reiser was in it and a cast of other actors for sadly, I named it I remember. But and so what is the director? And everybody's all excited about it. And then the actors turned on him, everybody's two weeks, you know? It's really weird, you know, the theater actors are strange. They really kind of turned on him. It was an okay play. Everybody came to it. Grant Shoud was in it. He had quit Murphy Brown to do free plays in Ireland or something. He would, he would have diuretic shit and vomit before every performance. And we're in a little room and and the bathroom is like right there with a comedy club. And we're all getting our makeup and we're here before the show and he would eat sushi. He would eat sushi. So what he would come in, you know, the director of a play as they're all the time. What he would come in is nobody to buffer him.

59:39He's there, right? He'd never directed a play in a movie he can buffer himself with the idea or whatever. And he would come in and he would go, you know, I want to give you notes and all that. And so Grant would hand him and say, would you like some sushi and what he would take a clipboard, put it over his mouth and go, it would say, what do you want to me to put some? I'm sorry. I'm in the same room with it. He would say shit like that and I would fucking die with Woody Allen. And then soon ye, with the two kids, they were both, you know, Chinese adoptees. So I've got the scandal right in front of me, right? And I am just in my glory. And I've always said this, people go, oh, you know, he married his step donor. I just watched their relationship for a while. Whatever hell there is, she's in on earth. And you know, she runs the whole thing. I mean, she is not like some shrinking violet that was, I don't know what, seduced by,

1:00:46you know, Woody Allen. But we had a great time. He was really a fun and a great guy and everybody came, you know, to the thing, not one of us got a job out of it. Not one of us. That's all we did. Incredible. And he never put any of us in a movie. Why would people turn on him? It's weird, you know, we learned, everybody learned their lines or whatever. They thought that Woody wanted us to learn our lines too quickly. And you're supposed to learn your lines while you're doing the blocking or whatever. And maybe he was saying, then he fired a woman who wasn't funny and he brings in another really beautiful, better actress and it was a girl with, whatever her name is. She wrote the book about being fired and well, she wrote the book about being fired. Right. And that was from Woody Allen thing. You know, and then BB New Earth acted really weird, was playing my wife. And if she wasn't getting the laugh, she wouldn't do the line, you know, and stuff like that. It was, you know, it's theater people. And then they were bickering backstage and then they all hated her and I was just playing

1:01:47my wife. So I was trying to be nice. Then one day I said something and she yells at me and all the other customers, you see, I'm going, oh, you know, yeah, it's weird. I mean, even in a little play I'm doing, I can see if we're there for another few months, which we're only going to be there for a week or so. Yeah, theater actors are, imagine comics every night for a year, every night, the same four or five people doing the same thing every night. They need to make drama. They need to cause trouble, drive off it in some way. Yeah. Yeah. And, you know, after a while you're driving a bus, you know, you learn the lines, you learn the blocking, you know where the laughs are, where the crying is, whatever it is. And now you need to, you know, pick up the stakes a little bit, you know, my mother, my son, my boyfriend, my, you know, whatever, yeah, backstage is wild. So still a pretty cool journey for a kid from a small town in Texas to wind up being in a Woody Allen. I didn't stand that town for a year. But you were born there. You know, I was born there. Not even in New Orleans. Just to look at you. New Orleans is a big town.

1:02:48It's a big town. So what, what he soon ye was, oh man, runs the show, he runs the whole deal. Well, you know, I mean, he, you know, he was an old man at the day, he was like, well, I'd say he was 60, 80s, and his 70s now, maybe he was 70, I don't know, like 10 years ago, so he was almost 80. But Jesus Christ, he marries his stepdaughter, which is so weird, and then defends it, you know, I don't think he did anything. His funniest line was he couldn't have done anything with the daughter because they did it in an attic, and you know, he's claustrophobic, and he says, I've never been in an attic in my life. You know that? Do you know that? He's never been in an attic in his life, and it's true. He would, if somebody sneezed or whatever. So one day, you know, we were talking or something like that. I said, well, you know what, I'm from New Orleans, so you got to keep your eye on me because, you know, sometimes I like to go, because he plays clarinet in New Orleans all the time, and he said, you know, I like to have a New Orleans and all that, and I go, yeah, yeah,

1:03:49sure. So I said, you know, but, you know, you better keep your eye on because I could, you know, I could get drunk and just not show up, you know, how people in New Orleans are, right? So one day I'm late. I'm, can't catch a cab or whatever, and I'm like late, and cell phones not working or whatever. He's waiting for me and waiting for me, and someone says, you know, we don't know where Jay is, and what he says, he's probably laying drunk in a gutter, you know, and he writes every morning from seven o'clock to like two in the afternoon, and this old 19, four days, type 100 every single day, yeah. Now, what are your feelings about the all the room we spread about you? I don't think he did anything with the daughter, and I mean that about that. But you know, if you look at the movies, if you look at Manhattan, you know, there was, I think, you know, there are rumors that Scarlett Johansson fucked him if you can imagine.

1:04:52I mean, this guy apparently says something or does something and women find him attractive, you know, and he's funny and all that. He's also a really good athlete, you know that? Yeah. Ryan Keaton came on the view and talked about how virile he was. There you go. And a terrific, like baseball player and stuff. So, you know, it's like you, I mean, there's your wife sitting over there who is much lovely than any human being who looks like you should be with. So, you know, I was wondering if the first night you fucked at Aflac, give her some sort of, you know, published, you know, in case she died a fright, you know, you look like a porn star from Auschwitz, you know, with your clothes off. But really, so there is something to be said to the power of comedy. But yeah, it was something to be around him.

1:05:53And you know, I've been around, you know, a lot of famous people for a short amount of time. We talked about drivers and stuff. You know, not as many as a lot of, you know, character actors and all, but I'm a storyteller. So I remember everything. He was very complimentary. He wrote me two really wonderful notes after the fact. And all I can really say is that you can't imagine it, but who knows what, you know, demons drive people. I have no idea, you know, but it seems hard to imagine. But still he fucked his step-goat. No way around it. At 17 years old. I mean, you know, or whatever it was. And she put a naked picture of herself up. And that's how, I mean, if, now be a pharaoh, it's supposed to be, you know, crazy also. So, and they never lived together. They lived across the park. That's right. That's right. You know, so, so yeah. And you know, you wanted to put you in one of their movies and all that. And he never, never, I don't, I mean, I think BB's been in one already. But I don't know that he used anybody from the, from the play.

1:06:53So, yeah, it was disappointing. I wish he'd put me in one of the movies that would have been fun, you know. He'd go to cut a line sometimes. Not one of mine. He'd just go to cut a line. And you know, I, I can't help myself. I would go, oh, don't cut that. It's fucking hysterical. Well, I guess I can't when you say it like that, you know, and he would put it back in. I mean, he really is a little kind of a nebush of guys. Wouldn't he ask the actors if you have a better line, put just, not, not really, but, you know, these, not many actors are any good. When they say, oh, they're doing a movie and the actors are going to add, are going to improv or whatever. Oh, please, actors are not good at livers, you know. I mean, some comics are bad at livers, you know, they have to have their written material, they saw something, they, they work it, you know. So, so the worst thing you can do is have an actor ad lib alone, you know, I mean, I kind of do it for a living. So I, I'm allowed it. I will throw lines in a play, but if you don't use it, it's okay, you know. And now, and I've just given myself a great compliment, which is the truth.

1:07:54So I'm just kind of good at throwing stuff when I'm doing a part, even if it's a drama, you know. So, so I would, I would add a few things, but nobody else said anything. Most actors don't say much, you know, about, about the lines. And it, it seems like working with Woody Allen is kind of like working with Neil Simon. Like, why would you, you know, it would be like sacrilege? Yeah, and that's how they felt. And I would say things and they would, they would go, you know, the other actors would, would, would be shocked by that. But what the fuck, it's a, it's a collaboration, you know, maybe in a movie, you know, you find in some of Woody's movies, everyone acts like him. You know, they have this same, especially when there's the villain characters like John Qsack and, and yeah, they begin over Broadway. Yeah, they begin to act like, well, while it's over Broadway, he has, you know, Chaz Paul Monterrey, right? And you know, the story about Chaz and Brock's tale is that he, you know, Chaz can barely write his name, really another guy who ended up being one of the writers

1:08:56on the sopranos, really wrote and put it together, is his story. And so when he hired Chaz, if you go back and look at this, there's plenty of guys that dislike Chaz because he made a three-picture deal and left out, I forget the guy's name, Joe Resulio, whatever, and, and then Chaz really couldn't write, he couldn't write anything. And then he hires Chaz Paul Monterrey to play a guy who ends up writing a script for someone who really can't write. And, and, you know, it makes everybody wonder, did Woody ever hear that? See, I think Blue Jasmine is a streetcar named desire, it's not made off, it's a streetcar. And when you watch it, and if you, you see it, she's playing Blanche Dubois. And, and it's weird, it's like, it's just so obvious to me, but, you know, who am I? So I think that Woody is a sponge, and I think Woody watches TV, I think he reads scandal things and all that, I think he read everything that was said about him, in his, in his privacy, yeah, I do, because it comes out, you know, and so I think he also showed himself with the young

1:09:58chicks in the, in the movies, which, you know, so what, that's cool. Chaplin, did it? Yep, sure did. He had to move to England, but he did it. Did the fucking young girl with bad teeth? Now, you also worked with the Eli Wallach. Yes, we were on the steps we're doing a show. John Tuturo played Howard Cosell, and I played the president of the NFL, I played Pete Rosal. And Tuturo is called Monday Night Mayhem, and Eli Wallach is playing one of the bigs in the NFL, one of the owners that I have to deal with. And we're shooting, and it's snowing at the, at the Plaza Hotel, and it's getting late, and, you know, he's, I guess Eli died in his 90s, right? I worked with Eli two or three times, I did Max Pickford with him also. So I'm standing on the steps. I'm, I'm excited I'm doing this movie, you know, Tuturo's a big deal, I'm there working. So I turned to Eli, and I say, um,

1:11:04so, so Eli, um, Academy Award winner, you know, I mean, I go, uh, so it's wonderful to, to, you know, be with you in this, in this movie. I go, do, do, you know, I don't work much. I just kind of do shit like this. I do pieces of, pieces of shit like you're in. But, you know, he, he meant it, but it was a throwaway. I'm on the steps going. Yeah, I hope you get fucking pneumonia died in 90 year old fucking relic, you know, hung on to 98. Yeah, 98 years old. So all right, my kids are thinking of waiting downstairs. So you want to tell us what the play is again, Jay? Yeah, um, my son is a songwriter who wrote five number one records in the last few years at Chesney, Jake Owen. He wrote, uh, writes for Keith Urban, and, uh, and he wrote a song for a guy named Michael Cracker with, uh, with other guys too, called Smile, which was like kind of the happy of its time. And a buddy of yours from high school became a, um, a guy named Peter's

1:12:06in became a producer and a writer. And he took all of his music plus a bunch of new ones, and they wrote a Southern Iraq army, meth addict, uh, musical. And it's, it's playing at these, it's festival in 42nd Street. It's called somewhere with you. It's a, it's a musical festival. And it's, uh, it's the lead of the festival. And they hired me to play three, um, uh, small parts. I play uh, the dad of the lead. I play, uh, a guy that, uh, that works at a, owns a club, and I play a, Iraqi insurgent at the end of the play. And it's, uh, it's, it's, it starts as a comedy and becomes a drama. And I, I believe it's either going to go to a big Broadway house or go to Broadway. I mean, think about it. It's a country musical with hit songs in it, you know, it's, you know, you do a play. You don't know what it's going to be. It's really good. And if you guys are in New York, but it's called somewhere with you, and I think it'll go on somewhere with you. And again, what theater? Uh, right now it's at the Alec, uh, Alice, um, Griffin jewel box on, uh,

1:13:08it's a little 200 seat theater, but it's fun. Yeah. So that's it. And then I'm do Ray Donovan. I have another couple of, uh, left driver. Yeah, I play Marty, uh, goldmine or whatever, but I'm really playing, uh, the guy from TMZ, uh, oh, Harvey Levin. Yeah, I'm playing Harvey. I'm, I'm gay and I have, you know, gay boyfriends and, and Donovan runs over him every week. Runs another one of my boyfriends over and threatens me. I'm always, uh, you know, getting, getting crap on his clients, you know, so it's cool. It's cool. Good. I play a good gay asshole. And if they said for 10 grand, suck a dick, I would do it. 10 grand, still the number. It's the number. Well, it used to not be. Now it's back to that number again. All right. I gotta go. Ha, ha, ha. This was great. Okay. Thanks, Jack. Gilbert Godfrey laugh is like unbelievable.

1:14:08This has been Gilbert Godfrey's amazing colossal podcast with my sidekick, Frank Santo Padre. And I, I, men who's a success in radio, movies, TV. Stand up. Stand up. Game shows, reality shows. That you'll have to still tell people who, who, who is he again? Jay Topman. Who's, who's taken a few shows off the air too?