Episode 654: 90% love (don't go all the way)

0:00I'm Dr. O'Reyan Terabann and the Ciccax and better living through psychology. And the topic of a day short talk is 90% love. So this episode was inspired by something I heard many years ago on one of Patrison Niel's calling shows in which she was debating a woman over his rule to only ever love a woman 90%. As I recall, she thought that was stingy and unfair. Patris' response was basically that if he were to love a woman 100%, and that woman were to leave, then he would be left with nothing. So he keeps 10% for himself. Now I don't remember Patris' effort talking about losing 100% of himself in a breakup. But we have to assume that he had this rule for the same reason all rules exist, namely, because the absence of the rule created problems in the past. So I think we can safely assume that this happened to him possibly multiple times. And I think that this rule is extremely reasonable.

1:00It's a good recommendation, especially for men, to only love 90%. Why especially for men? Well, women initiate a disproportionate number of breakups and divorces. Like all other things being equal, she is more likely to leave him than he is to leave her, which basically means that in relationships, men are more or less forced into a defensive posture. Being left with nothing after loving 100% is a soul-crushing, heartbreaking, mind-rending outcome. It can teach you a lot about yourself, about who you really are and about what really matters, but it's certainly not an outcome that I would encourage men to actively seek out for themselves. I recently made an episode entitled, Love is Hard, in which I explain why love is so rare in the world. It's rare because ultimately, people only love to a point. That is, they loved the point at which they are no longer willing to sacrifice for the

2:02good of the other. Now we can argue over whether these points are reasonable or unreasonable, necessary or capricious, but I think it's good that people have these points. I think it's good that people only love to a point in relationships. And in general, 90% might be a good love threshold. In a long-term relationship, it's a good idea to be largely invested. Like why be in such a relationship at all, why have someone so integrated into your life if you're unwilling or unable to invest in them emotionally? Any less investment than that, and you're kind of playing to lose. Yeah, it might be safer, but ultimately what you win can amount to little more than a superficial placeholder in your life. Not only is that likely to be unsatisfying, but it comes with a big opportunity cost. It can also provoke instability, as most people are not going to want to commit long-term

3:03to an option that doesn't invest in them in return. That said, you absolutely shouldn't be invested in any relationship in such a way that you will end up completely devastated when it ends, because all relationships end eventually. So people love to a point, and that point is their right to define. It could be to the point their financial solvency is threatened, or their sanity is jeopardized, or their quality of life suffers, or they recognize they're participating in a toxic relationship cycle. I think that is perfectly reasonable, and I believe that is how good relationships operate. What we're really talking about here are boundaries, and boundaries are useful for relationships, and let's not beat around the bush. They're useful because they inject a level of conditionality into the relationship. Think about it. Throughout all of human history, nowhere do we see more injustice and tyranny being perpetrated

4:04than by individuals who, for whatever reason, cannot be removed from their positions of power, privilege, and authority, even as a result of gross neglect or misconduct. And make no mistake about it. A relationship is a privilege. No one has a right to a relationship, and certainly no one has a right to a relationship with you. Are you finally ready to understand how relationships really work? Then get your hands on my book, The Value of Others, How to Get, and Keep More of What You Want in the Sexual Marketplace. Learn what actually moves the needle, why relationships fail, and how to position yourself for success in this strange new world of mating and dating. Over 100,000 copies sold. Get yours today, now available in e-book, audiobook, and paperback formats. The links are in the description.

5:04As a result, we want to have mechanisms in place that counteract the human tendencies to abuse and corruption that flourish under conditions that do not fear consequences. As I've mentioned previously, fear is the basis of respect, fear of what? Fear of unwanted consequences. Anyone who is not afraid that he or she cannot be removed from a position or a relationship, which is tantamount to believing that he or she is entitled to that privilege is far, far more likely to behave worse than to behave better. Of course, this conditionality injects some insecurity into the relationship, which again, is a good thing. Secondly, provided it's not excessive, incentivizes good behavior. As long as people value the benefits, they accrue from a given position or relationship, they are going to continue to show up as the best versions of themselves, especially if

6:05they understand that it wouldn't take long to replace them with someone as good or better. Such people will continue to do their job, continue to make an effort, and continue to provide value. Nowhere, outside of our most intimate relationships, do we expect unconditional love, acceptance, and commitment? Like you do not get paid unconditionally, irrespective of the quality of your work, or even whether you show up to work at all. Even your friends probably don't support you unconditionally. If you are flaky or difficult, or if you attack or betray them, most of them are going to turn their back on you. So why expect this kind of treatment in your sexual relationships? Now as I've said, people have a right to define the point past which they are unwilling to love for themselves. People are free to stipulate their own boundaries. But keep in mind, the more boundaries you have, the more difficult your relationship will become.

7:06More boundaries might mean more safety for the person nominating them, but it also means less freedom, play, and movement for the other party. And people are loathed to dispense with those until or unless they seek to gain something of at least equal value in return. The more boundaries a relationship has, the more your interactions will degenerate into bureaucracy. It will be rules and regulations and a lot of negotiated meetings which frankly sounds like a drag. Like have you ever worked for a company where you spend more time in meetings about doing the work than actually doing the work? How satisfying of an experience was that? Just like business, relationships should be predominantly focused on what the relationship was contracted to accomplish, not talking about and discussing and defining the relationship indefinitely. Like that's not where the good stuff is.

8:07So if you're going to implement boundaries in your relationship, it's a good idea to make sure that those boundaries are truly deal-breakers and not just personal preferences. The fact of the matter is that no one is going to be exactly as you want them to be. And that's okay. Ultimately, relationships require that we accept the other person for who he or she is. Why? Because you don't enter into a relationship hoping that you'll be changed into someone else, right? By the same token, it's not a good idea to enter into or remain in a relationship hoping that the other person will change into who you want he or she to be. I'm going to say that sentence again. It's not a good idea to enter into or remain in a relationship hoping that the other person will change into who you want he or she to be. And if you can't accept who the other person is for whatever reason, it's probably a good

9:09idea to end that relationship and find someone who you can't accept. Look, if anyone in this world deserves 100% of your love and devotion, it's God. That's it. And trust me, that is a very tall order even for those who are devout and want to follow. There is absolutely no reason to give 100% of your love and devotion to another human being, which might be tantamount to idolatry. By all means, invest in your relationships, but don't go overboard. What do you think? Does this fit with your own experience? Let me know in the comments below. And please send this to someone who you think might benefit from its message. I know you know somebody who needs to hear this. Help them out. Because it's worth of mouth referrals like this that really helped to make the channel grow. Other value propositions. So I have a lot going on elsewhere. I have my free weekly newsletter, which I write original content. I have the opportunity to book paid one-on-one consultations with yours truly.

10:13I have my books, my best seller on relationships, the value of others, and my novel about the final days of Vincent Van Gogh, starring night. I have my agent, Orion AI, providing round the clock council whenever you need it. And finally, I have my private community, the captain's quarters, where I respond to your issues in real time on live group consultation calls. Check them out. The links to everything are in the description below. There's so much value there that I just can't put on YouTube. As always, I appreciate your support. And thank you for listening.