Episode 49- My Conversation with Jobert E. Abueva about The Janus Plan: Beating the Procrastination Trap.

0:00Welcome, Mr. Gilbert, a little bit about you. And the reason I wanted to do this conversation because when Ms. Trish sent me your actual email about you, the first thing that got me was procrastination and she sent me all of this about beating the procrastination traps the mindful cleansing and global rituals and then the Janice, Janice, I think I'm saying it wrong, right? Janice plan, yeah. And that plan, I was like fascinated and I wanted to hear more because a little about my story is my dad always told when I used to tell him I wanted to do certain things. He would say, well, your grades are not good enough. And I don't think you should do that. And I remember when he found that I was a coach,

1:00he's like, you're not a coach. I don't believe you're a coach. I said, dead. I have my certification in coaching. And when I pulled out my certification, I remember my father didn't say anything. He didn't apologize for it, but he didn't say anything. And I said, you know what hurts me? You always told me everything that was negative. And I said, now I feel like if I do something, I'll start something and I'm saying, what if somebody doesn't like it? What if this doesn't work out? What am I gonna do? And then we don't do it. And then we'll stick it to the side and we'll say, I'll go back to it. And then we don't. Because of the fact that parents tell their children, well, I don't think you're gonna be good at that.

2:01I think you should do this. So when I found out my son had autism and he had autism, my whole world shattered because I was like, oh my God, my child got autism. I said, what is autism? At times, we didn't even know what autism was. And this was like 1996, when autism first became a thing. And I was like, I don't even know what autism is. And that whole world shattered. But then I said, either I'm gonna let this define, then I had to think back to me as a kid. And I said, I'm either gonna let this define him or never tell him that he has it and try to figure this out what this is and try to treat him as a normal person and not let it define him. And I found that that worked because I saved him. You can talk. And he'll look at me and I'm like, baby, you can talk. I know you can talk. And there was this disconnect and communication for years. And finally, he said, hi, mommy.

3:03I looked at him, started crying. And he said, mommy, want juice? I started crying. Everybody's like, why are you crying? I said, because y'all said, my child would never speak. And it was a battle, but I wanted to do this conversation because people always put procrastination into laziness. And I wanted to dive into this and to so many different ways to show that it's not just laziness. Some people are just scared. Some people just don't feel they're good enough and they don't realize how low self-esteem, low self worth plays a huge part in our procrastination and how broken our self-esteem is. So I want to thank you so much for taking the time to do this with me. So first of all, tell me a little bit about you. Tell me how you got to this. And now you're helping so many people with this book that you're doing called the Johnis program, plans.

4:05All right. No resolution path to begin for years with intention. That's right. Yeah. So I grew up in the Philippines, but not only in the Philippines, I lived in several countries throughout my boyhood in Nepal, Thailand, Japan. And that's because my father was what I call a roving academic. He worked in different universities in different countries. So we as a family were always on the go. It was nonstop. And in retrospect, I would describe this as a nomadic childhood. And in a way, it was a little chaotic and disconcerting. Because every time you had to leave, you weren't just leaving your school. You were leaving your friends. You were leaving a home. And then you had to be uprooted into a new country,

5:08a new culture, a new language, a new way of doing things. So all those disruptions were kind of tough. And in the moment, I resented my parents for all the moving around. But down the road, I've come to really appreciate this experience, the sets of experiences. Because each chapter was an opportunity to learn new things, to understand different people, to know how to adapt, how to assimilate, and how to, in a way, live in peace with people who are very different from you. So that is a big plus of my experience. And as I became an adult, I was very ambitious. I wanted to climb the career ladder. And I had this fabulous job.

6:09I launched Clareau Irval Essences, Shampoo's and Conditioners around the world. That's a very popular shampoo brand, right? So I was based in Europe. I was based in Asia. I was working non-stop. And from the outside, it looked like I was really this successful business person. But the reality was I was driving myself to the ground, overworking, not taking care of myself, not enough sleep, no proper diet. It was bad. To the point where I actually had a nervous breakdown one morning in an Hong Kong hotel room, I will never forget that day. And I share this because in some way, it's unfortunate that I ignored all the signals of my burnout and I ended up in a very dark place

7:12because I did not want to disappoint my parents, my colleagues. I was supposed to be successful, but I was breaking down inside. So that low point really became the turning point and the beginning of a wonderful transformation over many years where I've come to understand how important it is to take care of ourselves, to have self-love first and foremost before we are able to serve and love anyone else around us. And that lesson has stayed with me throughout these years. And what I did was write down the practice that I developed where I did a lot of reflection before I decided where I wanna go in life. I used every new year's occasion to appreciate all the good,

8:13the bad, the ugly things that happened in the past year to help me appreciate my life until then and then to carefully think about what directions I wanna go. What goals do I wanna go after that lift me up but also lift others up around me? So it was trying to get out of myself in a very ambitious career to be more mission and service oriented in my work, in my community, with my family and friends. And so it's just sharing with you how I had this nomadic childhood which led to a successful marketing career. I broke down, I burnt out, but I learned a lot from it. And now I've been able to live more sustainably because I have developed this practice which I call the Janis Plan, which is six steps

9:14who help us live with intention from year to year. So that is it in a nutshell, which brings me to where I am today here with you. I love that and the resolutions. It's like one of those things where, I see so many people they say, well, I've made these new years resolutions. And in the beginning, like, I'll use mine. Last year I said I was going to get back in my podcast because I was having throw issues for a number of years, still I'm having throw issues, but it's better than what it was. And I said I was gonna build my coaching business, my travel agent business. And then I went on vacate, I lost my job January 9th. And then I said I was never gonna work for nobody no more. And then my father passed away February 12th of this year. It really threw a monkey wrench in those resolutions

10:19because of the fact that him passing away. And then I had to uproot my life, come back to North Carolina from Florida. I had to adapt to that change. And then I had to adapt to the fact of having my mother with all of the things with my dad's insurance and the house. And we found out there was no will and testament. We just realized there may be one. But changing everything over and my father didn't put anything as far as who takes over what has been a battle. But thank God for me and my sister that we've never been that type where it was about going to court. It was really about us having our father back. We don't care nothing about the money. We don't care about the properties. But it was definitely a monkey wrench. And I think for a lot of people like I said earlier, we'll start something. And then this situation happens to where it altars everything. And then we never go back to it. It's like when I was a kid, it says,

11:21when I grow up, I want to be a lawyer. I want to be a doctor. And you say that. And then you go back to your old self and I tell people, when you go back to that first original time in your life, I ask you as a child, why didn't you, when I said I wanted, when I grew up, I want to be a lawyer. Why didn't we become a lawyer? What happened? And I tell people, when you go back and talk to that, part of yourself where you had all these dreams and goals and you didn't, it's going hit you like a ton of breaks because it hit me. And I said to myself, why didn't I? What, why didn't I do it? Why didn't I become the lawyer? Why did I get pregnant at 21? And I had to really start asking those questions and then it went back to the primary source. And I used to, when I started working in the medical field, I used this example.

12:22You get a cut on your arm. You don't do nothing about it. You just put a bandaid on it, act like it didn't happen. Then the next thing you know, the infection gets so big to the point, it spreads and then it can't be cured. And so now, when it comes to getting back to that, I'm going to do it, it's now, I had to get rid of the fear. I think that's the main thing, it's fear. And the fact that there are so many people, that when they were kids, they were fearless. You know, all these kids, they did the bungee jumping, jumping off the trees, jumping off things. And then all of a sudden, your parents said, well, don't jump. If you jump, you're going to fall. You just psyched me out. And now, I don't want to do it now. My son got on a roller coaster and he got all flubbing. Never threw up before.

13:23Throw up and then say, mommy, I don't want to do it no more. I say, why? Mommy, I threw up. I said, baby, I understand that. I said, but you got to get on them. And you got to get back on that horse. But I had to make him understand that I know that happened. But if you don't get back on that and try and get, now my uncle, I've always been scared of rollercoasters. That ain't going to change me. But I never wanted him to give up that being fearless. Why is it that we as parents, we psych our children out of that non-fearlessness to not be afraid, regardless of what happens. Now, I understand there's consequence because in karma, there is that. But why is it when it comes to being successful or when it comes to approaching people and those things? Why do we second guess ourselves?

14:25Why do we psych ourselves out into that fear of rejection, a fear of not being accepted or chosen to the point we don't do it at all? Yeah. It's tough to be human, isn't it? It is. It is. So you covered a lot of points which are so critical here. We are a function as we grow up. We are a result of our families, of our communities and neighborhoods. And we don't live in a vacuum. Everything about us is reflection of everyone around us. Yes, we have will to decide what is best for ourselves. But as a child, you're independent. So you have to, as you grow older, I think we have to reflect even more so and really push ourselves to understand,

15:28if not, in front, any difficulties of our childhood. In fact, I can jokingly say, but I'm being serious when I say, that's why we have therapists in a way, right? Or we have resources to help us walk through the past to confront the truths and to be able to put them in perspective so that we can continue with our own lives, with our own willpower, if you will, our own choices. And so that's why I emphasize the importance of reflection and even regular reflection is important. There's research that even says that performance really improves by as much as 23%. Just by having structured reflection on a regular basis. So the point is we have to confront our past

16:30and that is step one of the Janus plan is to ponder the past because each year so much happens and everything that happened in the past year is also tied to everything else that has happened before that. And so no matter how difficult, how strange, how painful one's past has been, this is the opportunity. Now is the opportunity. The threshold is now for us to make peace with the past by understanding it, even appreciating it. Before we can then say, this is where I am today and here's what's important to me based on my understanding of the past and who I am today. And here are directions I'm interested in pursuing. And I think we need to take our time and not jump to resolutions like you started out with, right? It's like, I wanna do this, I wanna do that.

17:31No, take the step back to reflect and understand what's really important to you. Very quickly, I'll give you three questions, very easy exercise that anyone can do. And it's really helpful. First question is, again, we can do this at the end of a year but it can really be at the beginning of any chapter. First question, what are the good things that happened in the past? And I would list all of those things down because in life, a lot of good is happening, even if it's as basic as we woke up today and we're breathing. Appreciate that and have gratitude for it. The second question is, what can I lay down? What can I stop bringing with me because it's converted? And if I can just lighten my load, imagine the bandwidth, the possibilities that are available to you. And then the third question, perhaps the most challenging one,

18:35is what did this past year or what did this past chapter in my life really try to teach me? What are the real lessons? If we spend more time just reflecting on these questions and answering them, we will have some really interesting responses for us to say, hmm, maybe I didn't realize this is what really matters to me or, oh, here's a blind spot that I need to address first and foremost in order for me to move in the direction that really matters in my life. So I encourage everyone to take time to do this structured reflection exercise because it can make a huge difference. I think that's good too because one thing I'm gonna add to that is purpose. What is the purpose? So what is the path? What is the journey that you're gonna get on? I tell people that you cannot move forward and I like to use Humpty Dumpty, for example.

19:37People don't understand Humpty Dumpty was on a wall. And guess what, that wall, you either fall back or you fall forward. Now I asked people, and I used to ask them, when I used to take care, I asked the kids, do you think that he fell backwards or did he fall forward? And they were like, well, I don't know because in the story it doesn't say. I said, but that's the whole point. The whole point of it is for not to give you the answers for you to figure it out. So I started teaching, you know, the kids critical thinking at two years old. And I would say, well, why do you think that he fell? Well, maybe he fell because, you know, in each person, each little kid had their own perception of it, but it wasn't wrong. Because it was actually right on both, you know, each one's point of view. And I said that, okay, well, why do you think he didn't put himself back together again?

20:38And they was like, well, maybe they couldn't because they didn't know how, maybe they didn't have the things to put them back together. And I said, that's a good point. Or is it that maybe it wasn't meant for anyone to put Humpty Dumpty back together? Maybe it was meant for him not to put himself back together at all, that maybe he was supposed to fall to break the thing that was holding him back from the procrastination to make him a new and better version of himself as Humpty Dumpty. And, you know, when I started looking back at all the nursery rhymes, and when I was doing daycare, I said, each one of them has something that I did not think about as a kid because the way that it was told to me. And then also, when it came to the never-ending story, when it came to Mateo, when the sciences says, you got three levels that you have to go through

21:38to get to the other side. You have to go past where these two statues and you have to get through it. And if your heart is not pure and you're not certain and you have any type of, but he left out this part, fear. If you didn't have fear, you weren't gonna make it past. So when they watched this one night go through, he got through to almost to the ends and then didn't make it. And he didn't understand, but I said, that was fear. So even though you made it past the first part, now there's a part of you that starts sick and guessing. And you start challenging yourself and you're saying, well, okay, I got through this. Or it could be ego. You got to cocky. And that might have been why. And so when he got to the mirror, part of it, and saw the little boy, a lot of kids didn't understand what that meant. The little boy was the one that was reading the story.

22:38It was his interpretation of the story. So the reason that Mateo was ever to see that little boy because the little boy was him. The whole entire story that he was going through this, Mateo was that little boy. And that's the reason he saw the little boy. And I said, you know what? It's interesting because even though we're not in movies, we're not, and you know, where people see our lives. But when we write about our lives and you see these bios, you have people that's following that story. And there are people that are saying, wow, this is me. You have people that read books and people that read, you know, go to, you know, TED talk or any convention or even a concert. That person is relating to you. So when I think about when you said that, when it comes to that, looking back,

23:38looking at your life, journaling is one of the best things you can do because you're journaling your thoughts. And I always say as an adult, you should journal all your life lessons to get, to pass down to your children. The things that you taught them, the things you want them to do differently as, you know, parents themselves. But I just don't think we do that anymore. We don't, because my mother's generation, they did that. They gave you lessons that you passed down from generation to generation. And there were times even beginning of time where like the Bible, where things were written on how to do certain things. And I just think we somehow we lost, you know, track of that. So when you talk about the mindful cleansing and global rituals, when it comes to the different detoxes and things like that, what would you say when it comes to the mental detox, the importance of detoxing the mind?

24:40Because we always talk about detox at a body, but we never talk about the detoxing of the mind. True. So that is step four of the Janis plan, which I call clean and clear. So as we enter a new chapter, a new year, we want to go into it with our best foot forward. Yes, on one level, you can get a haircut, get a massage, make sure you have a nice, manny, petty, look good, feel good. But it's also about decluttering your environment, your home office, your home. Again, just having the opportunity to lighten your burden. And then to your question, how do we clean and clear ourselves emotionally, spiritually? There are many ways. And one of the ways I like to approach it is to think about

25:40what is nagging at me procrastination because we're procrastinators. If you name someone who says they're not a procrastinator, you know they're lying. We are all procrastinating about something in our lives because we have such a busy 21st century way of living. And there are lots of demands on us. So we prioritize what we think is needs to be prioritized, but we sometimes fall short. So the point is to really think about and writing things down to your point, it's important to journal, it's important to write things down because it's very different when you're typing it on a laptop. But if you write it down, you can face it directly, confront it. And ask yourself, if this is the number one thing that is bothering me because I procrastinated on it for so long, how can I address it today?

26:40Even if I took small steps because sometimes very big problems, or very big problems, cannot be addressed immediately. So my point is write it down and again, reflect on it and think, how can I take a first step to address it today? All you need is to get out of the inertia to just have a little momentum to move forward because you owe it to yourself. And so that's what I would say about ensuring that we can declutter, detox, not only our environment and our bodies, but also our minds. And I love that because I said in one of my episodes, I said, my body does not trust my mind. And I said that because when I was sick and I couldn't walk and I remember, I said, I was crying,

27:41my mom couldn't understand why I was crying. And I said, mom, I just want to walk. I just want to walk, but I can't. And the doctor said it couldn't find anything. And they kicked me out the hospital eight hours later, mean, 10 hours later, we went to UNC Hospital and they said, no, your blood is not circulating in your body because you have two bolting discs causing lack of circulation. I said, I cried and the lady said, it's gonna be okay. We're gonna put some to make your body, your blood circulate so you can move. So they had to put a heating pad and something to help with cold and he combined to make me walk. And it took me a little bit to walk normally. But I learned something in that moment. I said, now that I'm getting better for the health issues I've been going through. My body's like, I don't trust you.

28:43My body has anxiety and people think anxiety is mental. I said, no, it's psychological anxiety. There's emotional anxiety. There's spiritual anxiety. There's physical anxiety. But I tell people when my mind and body finally connected because when I had that car accident, it hit my nervous system. Your nervous system is the communicator of everything. That's how the mind and body connect. And when I started having problems with the back of my neck, I was like, why is it I can't, my body's like, you don't understand how I feel. So now that I've learned how to connect the two of them through communication, I feel everything. And now I'm like, oh my God, I didn't realize my body was in so much pain. And I'm just like, I'm just like, oh my God, my mom will be like, why are you laying there? I said, mom, my neck hurts. My body's just like, no, my body's like, no,

29:44I can't deal with this pain. And I was in a car and I said, we gotta get up. We gotta get up. We gotta drive. And I said, it's out loud. I said, we gotta drive. We gotta get here. Nobody's gonna take us. We got to go if we're not gonna eat. My body's like, but I don't want to. My mind's like, you have to, you got to. And I, you know, the little engine that could, I was like, I drove slowly to get my body time. And my body was starting to feel calm. I said, we got this, okay, I need you to trust me here. I need you to trust me mentally here. I got you. We got there on the way back. I was fine. But when I first got on that road, I was like, I can't do this. And I was like, I want to turn around so bad. But my body was like, no, no, no, no. We got this. And that's why I said, with fear, I tell people, when you finally have to face the damage that you have done to your body, your mind will never understand that

30:46because your mind doesn't understand feelings the way you might think. And I tell people, sometimes psychological, the things you think are mental can also be, can actually be psychological. Because think about the word psych. You can psych anything out psychologically. Your psychological is your feelings. Your psychological is your emotions. It is that dopamine that makes you feel good. But the mind will never understand the actual, emotions of it all, because your mind has the instinct and it's like, well, something not right here. But your body is the one that reacts to it. Your five senses are the ones that react to it that determine what direction that is going to go or what direction that it's going to go in that direction. So when you said that as far as detoxing the mind, I always say at the same time,

31:46listen to your body, look at your environment, look at everything. Don't just say, okay, I'm going to make this decision because it feels right at the time. Look at the consequences, the repercussions and the karma of it. Look at the critical thinking, common sense, and common judgment. The morals, the values, the principles, and ethics of it. Look at it, who is going to impact, who is going to affect. Look at the end result. I always tell people, look at the end result first. Look at the pros and cons of it all. And look at the knowledge to intellect and the education and the research, the validation and the verification because that's the whole point. And I feel like for cross-nation also comes from elevating, evolving, and maturing too because a lot of people don't want you to do that. They don't want you to grow and evolve and elevate and learn and mature. And my question is, how do we, as people that they push on this

32:47about us being in groups, about being married, about having families, about going to work, how do we function in a world that it is about everybody else, but destroying yourself at the same time? How do we, as these new versions of ourselves, who go through all this healing and recovering and therapy and even being drug addicts or lose it all, hit rock bottom? How do we bounce back to where we can be in a room and a job says, I'm letting you go and you're like, you're not panicking, you're not worried, you're just like, okay, and they look at you and they say, well, you're taking this many. Well, I said, did I do something wrong and they're saying, no, okay, then what do you want me to say? You made a choice because there are millions of people that cannot take no foreign answer. There are millions of people that are chasing after things

33:47that really, they shouldn't be chasing after. And jealous and envious of people that it shouldn't be, jealous of, how do we get at a place that we're where, not only are we accepting the rejection, accepting the not being chosen, the not being accepted or validated, how do we get to that place? Where we're like, okay, even though this is going wrong, I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I know I'm gonna have to go through this setback, but I'm gonna be okay with it, and I'm just gonna figure out how to get out of it. How do we get out of that place without just feeling like all is lost and everything is completely false form? Not easy, right? No. It's the human condition. Again, our lives are so dynamic, there are a lot of factors out of our control. The best thing we can do is control what we can control because there will be always something out there in the world

34:48that is going to impact us whether positively or negatively. We have to ground ourselves and believe in ourselves. We have to have these conversations with ourselves. You gave the example about, you know, in being in the car with your mother. Two good things were happening there. One was you were doing self-taught. You were communicating with yourself. That's great because it's kind of like the feedback loop. It's like you're talking to yourself in one perspective, you're talking from the other, nothing wrong with that. And the second thing you had going for you is that your mother was present. And so you had a safety net, a support. Even if she may have been annoying at some point, she was there. So what I'm saying is two things. One is it's important to keep communicating with ourselves. When we feel like things are not going right,

35:50take a pause, breathe, and just allow yourself to experience what's hitting you. And then try and think about, how do I move forward from here? Just that self-taught. And then get support. There are resources out there that are free. Just a little research can help someone find someone to talk to, if you have family, friends, coach, a mentor. And even if you don't, there are resources through different institutions, whether it's a church, a hospital, or wherever, be willing to seek help when you believe the help is needed. So self-love means ongoing communication with yourself. And not be afraid to turn for help. That's true because the one thing I had to do when

36:52it came to my anxiety with driving, I had to stop and then I can be by myself. And I have to talk to myself and say, we got to get to the house. Because if we don't get there, we don't get home. And a lot of people say, and I remember my mom said, it's not good to talk to yourself. I said, mom, yes it is. I said, because when I speak it out loud, I can make the right decisions that I need to make. And an example that would be when I am reading something I read it out loud. Because when I'm in silence, I'm not, I mean, don't even wrong, I'm looking at it. But I'm not processing it. And it's just like, I said to somebody, I said, do you really think if you put children in a room that if you put them in there and they have to be silent and they can't read the question out loud for them the process,

37:56do you know majority of people fail? Because they don't have a chance to really speak out loud. And so I don't get mad when I hear people read out loud. I don't get mad when I see somebody at the movies and they're watching the movie and they're talking about, it doesn't really bother me because I know that people process things in a different way. But this thing of being told, you should not talk to yourself and answer yourself. I said, that's a lot because that's the whole point. I answer myself and I talk to myself as well. And I think that that's important to be able to do that. Why do we tell our children that they're not allowed to talk to themselves as far as being able to communicate as far as trying to process things? Because we've had been told that if you talk to yourself that you can sit at crazy, why do we do this?

38:58Well, I don't know about you, but have you been on a street lately? Everyone seems to be talking to themselves that that's because they're talking on the phone and paying attention to anyone around them. I am not a parent, but I am an uncle. I have several nieces and nephews that I have known throughout their lives. And I see how friends and family parent-focused. What I believe in is talking to your child, not as a child, but not as an adult either, just as a fellow being. Yes, you are the parent. You have to discipline. You have to instill good values in them. But have the conversation, the art of conversation within the family is so critical and we forget to do that. I would love to see families get back to being able

40:01to spend time to eat together, not have devices on the table because we know that's technology's a whole other issue that's plaguing our existence today. But find as many opportunities to have conversations with our children and find out how their days are going. I know a lot of parents who do this really well. It's just being available to them, not just when they need you, but when even they don't need you, but you live with them, they are part of your family unit. Engage with them as often as you can because that way we get a sense of how they are maturing. We may get the first signal of whether something seems off that we just need to note and keep that in mind as we continue to bring them up. And so I think part of it to answer your initial question,

41:03families are busy, parents are busy, there's a lot of stress. We don't have enough time to spend with our children to converse with them, to appreciate them as other beings and to really show an interest in them. So if we can invest more time and effort in that, I think that we'll go a long way in having folks feel more confident in themselves and to not be afraid to have communication with themselves and to encourage that because you don't want children who are just constantly acting out on impulse. You want them to have, as you mentioned earlier, the critical thinking, and that's why the pause is so important. And I wish more people would just pause, think things through, even have self-talk before we act. I agree because that's the one thing I do now. I don't let nobody rush my decisions because what I made the decision not to work for anybody,

42:06that was because of years of working at jobs where I would go to work every day, do everything that I was supposed to and still get fired. Because here's the thing about this that a lot of you don't understand is, you can do the right thing and still not be chosen. You still can be your true self and everybody tells you, well, that's not how you're supposed to be, that's not how you're supposed to act, that's not how you're supposed to think. And trying to be an individual in a world where it's about everybody else and always use the word people pleasing. And I tell people that people pleasing can destroy you quicker than anything else. You lowering yourself to build somebody else, and I'm gonna use marriage, for example. I hear this all the time where I hear a man say, I don't want you to work, I just want you to stay home, I want you to cook and clean. She does that, she gives up her job, she gives up her safety net, and I say, if you don't ever give up your safety net,

43:07they give up everything and then years later, he says, I'm divorcing you because you're no longer the person that you know you used to be. Do you know that's a walking contradiction because you just told this woman, you didn't want her to work, you told her you wanted to be a mother, she has a baby, you talk about a way. Then you're on the flip side of that, you have women that are independent, that make money, and a man said, well, you make too much money, I don't like the fact that you make so much money. And I'm like, do you not understand, you're trying to break this person, and then turn around and cheat on the same woman who you broke, who you told her, that you didn't want her to be this person, you cheat on her with the same people that you say you don't want her to be. It's just like all these people that's trying to make friends and being these romantic relationships. And you're trying to be what everybody else is is wanting you to be, including your family.

44:10So you're wearing this what I like to call Phenom of the Alp Opera mask because let's use the phantom of the opera in that. The phantom of the opera, yes, was very talented, had to wear a mask, but when the mask was taken off, he was no longer accepted because of the real version of him, and I tell people, if you went 30 days and you didn't wear no makeup, you act like you were broke. You strip everything that attracts you to a person. Will they really like you? Will they really want to have a conversation if you have nothing, if you're broke? Would you, would this person still want to be around you? But we're taught that it's about attraction. It's about giving, but I always thought it was giving give and not give and take. So when you talk about resilience

45:12and you have people that finally say, I do not want to do this anymore, not because of the fact of that, but they wake up and they say, I'm not happy. I want to divorce. And this person is like, why? Cause I feel like I'm losing myself with you. They wake up one day and say, I'm tired of you talking to me. I'm tired of you making me feel less than what I am. And then when you go to your parents and you go ask it for advice, they're telling you, well, just endure it. Why should somebody have to endure pain? Why should someone have to endure something? And they're not happy. The other person's happy. The other person is getting everything they want, but it's not reciprocated. And I say that because many people now are getting divorced,

46:18many children now in single parent homes. And that is because partnership is not there. And the communication is not there to where I can come to you and have a conversation with you about my feelings, about what I want. And then on the flip side, you have people that don't understand when you tell them no and they're like, okay, why are you not chasing me? What do you mean why am I not chasing you? You just told me you didn't want me, so why am I chasing you? And what's crazy about it is when you say it, they look at you like, you're not gonna chase me? No, you're not gonna do this? No, because when I did it, you didn't appreciate it. And so when we talk about this conversation and that's why I say procrastination can be so many different ways. And even in things that we wouldn't expect as something as simple as that, staying in situations longer than what we need. Trying to keep chasing after something

47:19that isn't meant for us or being jealous or envious of someone else and what they have. And then you look back and you say, well, I could have said what up, but you didn't. If it was meant for you, it would have been given to you. If it was meant for you to have it, then you would have it. But to go after something because somebody else has it to keep chasing after something or someone because they told you no, because that's what your taught, everybody's taught. Well, if you want some, just keep chasing until you get it. No, if it's not meant for you to have it, then it's the first time they said no, it should have been it. Why do we do this to ourselves? And how do we change that mentality of thought to say, okay, well, if you don't like me, okay, cool. You don't wanna be married to me. Okay, cool. But why do we get to this point where this ego comes in and just says, I can't accept it. I can't accept the fact that you moved on. I can't accept the fact that you walked away.

48:21Why are we doing this to ourselves? That's a lot of big questions. So I'll start with today's society. There are so many expectations on us, right? What they call societal norms. You find someone you get married, you have the kids, you grow up, you stay married forever. But the reality is we are individuals growing and we can grow in different directions and have different perspectives and different stages of life. And I think that's okay. It is not uncommon. We know that the divorce rate is high. And I'll even, everyone around me, including myself, our first major relationships were long term but they did not last. If you are able to have an applicable separation, that's wonderful. It's just unfortunate because maybe both parties

49:23or one party is trying to position things so that they don't look like the bad person or they want to rationalize any bad behavior that they have been exhibiting in the relationship as they get out of it. So I think I would say we have to accept reality that sometimes things fail. But in the failure is the living experience. And my hope is that we see wisdom out of the experience so that we can bring that wisdom with us the next time around. And I will say I am on a third, very fulfilling relationship. I got married. I never thought that I would get married. And it's wonderful, but it's because I have all the learnings I can reflect on all the wisdom that has happened

50:25with each part break or separation. And that's what we should be thankful for. It's just part of our human condition that we will have these failures and these disappointments. But if we can carry the wisdom with us, things will get better. And they can only get better because you act on that wisdom and you remind yourself of it so that you do not get yourself. You improve the chances that you will not get yourself in a similar situation that was painful and difficult. So that's what I'm saying. It's just really appreciate the wisdom along the way. And the wisdom is there as you get older and are more mature, embrace it. And I think that's how it is best addressed. So as far as the part, okay, I'm also going to the second part. Now what about the people that can't take no foreign answer or the people that are lowering themselves

51:28and they're trying to make everybody else happy but they're forgetting themselves. And then years later, the people please yours. The people please yours. And later on down the line, like with my situation, it took me getting sick to understand that because when nobody was there, when I was in the hospital, no one was there when I was going through it, but I was the one that was always there. Why does it take getting to that point for something dramatic to happen or, you know, because I call them the invisible children. And I think it really goes back to our parents when it comes to why we do that. Because there is one child that is the people child, the people please child and one child that is the golden child, the child that has to, that doesn't fit society standards that has to go through all these hoops and bounds. And the problem is, you know, people come to them and they say, well, maybe if you do this, you'll get a man.

52:29And I'm like, I've tried everything and it don't work. And you know it's not going to work. But yet you got people telling you, well, maybe just try and you like, you try. And then it doesn't work out. And then you're like, you go, that's what that procrastination comes in. I don't want to do it anymore. And then people say, well, you've been single for seven years because I don't want to do it. And they're like, why? I said because I don't fit society standards. And maybe just maybe God want me to wait because the person that's meant for me may not be in my environment. And everybody don't understand how much environment plays such a part in the lack of procrastination. You go where you want it, not where you're not. I tell people, you can be accepted, but not being chosen. And you can be chosen and not accepted. If I'm not both, then I don't want it.

53:29And my friends say to me, well, you've been single all these years. I said, well, I was never in relationships in the first place. These people never wanted me. But because I was taught that I had to chase after people, I had to do all these things. And I say, well, maybe if I do this, this person like me, maybe if I take them to dinner, maybe if I spend money, maybe if I have sex with them, then that person is going to be with me. But what I'm not understanding is, they're not giving me anything. So why am I doing this? I hear you. And so why do we, why do we as people pleasers? Why do we feel like, not only do we feel like we want to be build a bear's meaning we want to build people? Because we see the potential in these people, but they don't see it in themselves. But we build them, but we're building them for someone else.

54:29You're trying to turn somebody around multiple people and to just being only onto one person. And then you're being a seat filler where you're sitting there waiting while this person is out doing God knows what, with God knows who, and you're sitting there waiting and years go by of your life. And then one day, you're talking to a therapist and they're saying, then what made you decide to do it in first place? Because I love this person and I just want to do right. I think part of the problem is, because so many people are trying to be spiritual and they're trying to do what, and I go back to the story of a lot, because this story of a lot comes in it. Lost, lost, lost everything. He went to the higher power and said, I come to you, Nick, it, and I say to you that I know nothing. Even though I know nothing, because I lost everything. So apparently I'm doing something wrong.

55:29Come to me and help me through this situation. And I'm in one day, I did the same thing I said, Lord, I'm coming to you, Nick. I'm coming to you. I'm at this age. I've done everything I'm supposed to as a person that's supposed to be of God. And why is it that I'm getting my heart broken? I do everything right. I treat people as a person of God, but I'm constantly being hurt. God said, would I tell you to do it? Did I send these people to you? Or did you choose these people? Because in one way, did I choose these people for you? Because I never said these people were for you. Did I ever say as you was a God, person of God, are you supposed to be chasing somebody? Or is it that you two were supposed to come together? You're supposed to find each other. When I tell you, I broke down and cried, because for years,

56:30that's how I was raised to be. And I remember the doctor told me, you have post-traumatic slave disorder. I said, what is that? He said, think about it. You've been a people pleaser. You've been a slave for other people. You allow people to hurt you. And you think that that is normal, that that is normal for you to be the one to give and not get anything in return. Your self-esteem was broken since your father, when I told him everything. He said, your father broke you. Your father was supposed to be your protector. Your father was the first man in your life. Your mother was the first woman in your life. When they broke you, they pretty much broke you for everybody else. He said, because instead of them accepting you, instead of them appreciating you, they broke your spirit.

57:30They broke your self-esteem, self-worth, and self-value when they told you, you were not good enough and you were not worthy. He said, when they broke you, you were looking for something that could replace that love that you didn't get from your parents. And when I heard that, I said, oh my God. And that's when I had to have the conversation, with my father before he passed away. Because I felt like infidit have the conversation with the original person that hurt me and made him understand it is not about me being right. It's about you and I having a conversation and you accepting me as your daughter for who I am. Love me as I am. I said, I am not trying to go against you. I said, you have raised me and you need to trust the way you have raised me. And if you can't trust the way that you raised me

58:32and you can't realize that everything you taught me is here. If you can't trust me as your daughter and how you raised me, then you can't trust me when it comes to my decisions. And my dad looked at me. He said, I never thought about it that way. I said, yeah. I said, I love you and I respect you. And I never in life said you were wrong. But because you kept not having faith in me as your daughter and having faith in my choices because you never believed in me. And I had to go somewhere else looking for it and always use the word infidelity. And people say, what do you mean? I said, infidelity is not sexual. Infidelity is any person when you are looking for something that you're not finding in someone else. You're finding it within other people.

59:33But when everybody was gone, I had to find that within myself. So now it's, OK, this person will add to my life, this person going to subtract to my life. And I say that because, like I said, when we had, when I got your email, the reason it hit me so personally is because of the fact of that. So do you think that getting to the root of that, and I always tell people, when you talk to your parents, understand you're not going to get the apology that you want, you're not going to get the nothing but the justifications. And sometimes I tell people write it in the in-burn it. And they be like, what do you mean? Everything that you would have said to your parents, write it down, and then burn it. And they said, and they said, why? Closure. I said, you may not ever get the closure that you want from the individual that you want it from, because they're never going to understand your feelings.

1:00:35And then I always get this. They say, you're the strong one. You don't want it to need anything. You're the person that didn't need love. You didn't need all of that because you never said it. Well, when I did say it, you said I was strong and independent. And see, when I hear people say they were independent, I tell people all the time, independence is not something that many people chose to be. They had no choice because they were the child that had to be, because they weren't the one that was getting the affection and the love and the nurturing that other child got. Do you think that's also a part of procrastination when it comes to people and their choices, decisions, actions, and behavior as far as them second-guessing themselves, because they feel like they have to base themselves on everybody else or make decisions that basically put everybody first. A lot there. So thank you for sharing your experience.

1:01:36I'll start off by saying the power within you to speak to your father, your truth, before he passed away. There has to be some solace in that. And I admire you for that. And it comes back to your broad question about, how do we respond to all the things that are part of our makeup? Again, it comes back to our upbringing, our environment, the perspective we have been given in the world. Those are factors that we can't erase. We can definitely put it in the bright light so that we understand it for what it is. And then to acknowledge that this is what it is, and there are things I can do for myself so that I do not let it affect me negatively. So again, it's part of that reflection, that conversation with yourself

1:02:40in understanding you are, in a way, a product of all of that experience before you. And just coming to peace, finding some solace in it will only help us lighten our burden. And in a way, I don't want folks to procrastinate anymore in addressing these painful issues that are affecting our behavior and our perspective on life, because life is so wonderful and beautiful. And it is short in the scheme of things. Let's find our best lives for ourselves. That is what's most important. And that's part of what I espouse in the Janis plan is just finding that time to know our truths, to understand the painful places we have come from,

1:03:41and to be better persons first and foremost for ourselves. And then we can be better for others. But self-love has to be first and foremost, Asha. And you yourself, and I so appreciate everything you've shared with me, because you have shared your vulnerability and everything is coming from a place of self-love, understanding your past, and knowing that there is a brighter future out there. But you're going to do it on your own terms, right? Yeah. Yeah. And I'm at a place now where respect is the most important thing. And I learned through that people pleasing and building that I was building people into what my interpretation of them was, but not who they truly are. And I learned now that I can assist people, I can guide people.

1:04:44I cannot lead you to water and I cannot make you drink. My thing is, I'm not going to damage myself to build other people up to where I think they should be, and then turn around, and they leave me for someone else. I have learned when you say, no, I'm going to be okay with it, because I have no choice but to be okay with it. I learned that if my faith in God is that strong, even if I hit rock bottom, even if I was to lose it all, it means either it wasn't meant for me to have it or God stripped it away for a reason. And I always now look at rhyme or reason. I'm like, is this the truth or this can be a lie? Because the lie can be a truth and the truth can be a lie. Now it's not what I think it should be, but what it actually is. And then I'm saying to myself, do I want to be involved in this?

1:05:46Do I want to do this? Because when I stop looking at it for my interpretation and saying, this is what this really is. This is who this person is. This is the environment. Now I can say, okay, so my thing is, I may not fit society standards, and I'm okay with that. But that's the part. That was the funny part. It led me to being okay with that. Being okay with no. Being okay with you don't want me. Okay, cool. Okay, fine. But because I learned that that's not meant for me. And I tell so many people that do social media, I said the same thing. And people can bring up things about your past and happen 20 years ago that you dealt with, the other person dealt with. If those chapters are closed, nobody can ever impact and affect you in a way to hurt you. And I said, you cannot be negativity.

1:06:50There's no winning with it. I don't care if you react to it. I don't care if you get mad. You're never going to win because that negativity will always flip on you to where you're in the wrong. And when people said that was like, I never thought about that. I said, it's the truth. I said, if you learn with negative people, they are what they are. And you said yourself, I'm just not going to deal with it. If somebody says something negative about you, you say, okay, have a good day and you walk away. And they're looking at you like, but that's not the reaction that I once hit. And I have to tell parents, I said, my son got bullied. I'm pulling him out of school. I'm not going to tell him. And this is the part I don't like. And this is the last question I'm going to ask you. I like it didn't exist. That part. I hear this all the time. I like it didn't happen. I like it didn't exist. And I myself have been through this. Would they say, suck it up.

1:07:50I like it didn't exist. Get up and move forward. I'm like, that's not realistic here. No, I have to sit in this. I said, sometimes I have to sit still because there are days where I'm like, I want to get up. My body's like, I'm not ready to. And I have to convince my body, yes, you got to get up. You got to get the get to do this. You got to learn now I could have in my head all day long. But if I don't speak into existence or I don't write it down, then it's just not going to happen at all. So how is far as that goes, do we get to this place of where we're at that same place, where we accept things for what they are, we do not change anything. But we decide whether we want to interact in it. If somebody says something negative, we're just like, okay, that's your truth, but it

1:08:51isn't my truth and it's not what really is because you had to be there. How do we get to that place of that peace and tranquility of accepting our true selves and saying instead of showing the version of what everybody wants us to be, the inversion of our true selves, how do we get to that place? It comes back to everything we've talked about in this past hour. It's self love, it's self communication. It's knowing where our limitations are, our strengths, our weaknesses, and to be truly grounded to stand confidently in self love and who we really are. That's how we do it. And then to take practices, do small things for yourself every day. Here's I'll leave you with one practice that I love to do every morning. I have a planner, the day planner. I always write first thing in the morning, grace, grateful for, put a colon and I enumerate

1:09:56one, two, three, three things I am grateful for and it should not take more than 30 seconds a minute. Even if it's as simple as I got seven hours to sleep or I got to spend time with a friend yesterday or I got to finish an assignment. Just list it down because there is so much good every day in our lives. We should not let those pass by us without acknowledgement, without appreciation. By taking small acts like this, of being grateful, it will only feed our souls that much better and we will believe in ourselves more. We will have that positive perspective to face each day. The challenges will come, the failures, the disappointments will come. We will be more resilient and we will bounce back because we start today grateful for things and loving ourselves.

1:10:58I hope that that sort of practice will resonate with you and with your listeners and that we can just have more fulfilled lives because we believe in ourselves no matter how stormy the weather may be out there. I love that and I think that's why I wanted to have this conversation and have this approach because there are millions of people out here that are not where they want to be. They're not who they truly are and they're wearing that mask like the phantom of the opera and are so afraid to take off that mask to show the real version of this of who they are because they are afraid the world would never accept them, they'll never be chosen. I say forget the fact that you're not chosen. Be okay with it because to walk into a door, to be able to walk to the beat of your own

1:12:00drum, to create and this is where originality comes from. It comes from not being like everybody else, being who you truly are because in the end, as you walk through this journey, it may not be the environment that we're in where we are accepted. It may not even be the country, it may not be the race or gender or culture of people, but you might go to another country and they love you over there. They adore you over there. I say don't go looking for anything. Let it find you. Let it find you. Let it find you. Let it find you. Let it find you. The way you just walk into it, they're unexpected. You know, the patient waits.

1:13:02You know, see where things are going to happen. I'm going to go to the next generation and I really want to do a part two because on the flip side of this, there are people that are lazy, irresponsible and using and taking advantage of people and how do we go up dealing with those type of people because there's two different parts of procrastination. I say for everything, there's always two sides of it and that middle ground that brings them together. And that's why I say when I do these conversations, it's so important that I bridge the gap between them both to say, okay, there's a negative side of it, the positive side of it, but how do you find the middle ground to where they don't destroy you in the process and even know you know the both sides. You have a choice and your choice should not be stripped from you because the one thing that God gave us freedom of choice and free will, He gave us that.

1:14:04He gave us the confidence and the self-esteem. So we should be able to deal with negative and positive situations and not let our self-respect, our self-love, self-care, health and wellness, our spirituality, our belief systems be destroyed but looking at them as learning lessons. And I always say no, God walks with me from day one and people wait to last minute to say, well, God, come and know, God walked with me from day one. Show me what I'm walking into for what it truly is and I say, if I'm going to walk into this, walk with me, guide me, assist me through it because I may not have anybody, but along the way God may say, I'm going to say this person too. I'm going to say this person too. But so now I don't look at people for attraction. I look at why is this person in my life?

1:15:07What are they meant to do? What are they meant to be? What are they meant to become? So when you talked about this, John's, John's, John's, John's, uh, I love the fact of that because it really hit home to me. It really gave me inspiration because I do procrastinate, but mine is not because of laziness. It's because of fear and to have this conversation with you to be able to say, I can be able to now say, I got this. I have to trust myself. That's the most thing. Self love and self trust. If I don't trust myself and I can't love myself, then I can't respect myself. Then I have no confidence and I don't believe in myself. And so having this conversation, it taught me that. So how can people reach you and how can people read the book and anything else that you

1:16:08have going on? Yeah. Yeah. I so appreciate this conversation, Ash. Thank you so much. Folks can learn more about the Janice plan. My book also about what I offer my workshops, my newsletter, my blog. I even did a TEDx talk. You can all find it in my author's site, jobert. eabueva.com. Everything is there. I also look forward to hearing from you on how you are experiencing the Janice plan or other aspects of your life. Let's live a life with intention. And I really wish you the best that you walk forward through that door. I love them. Thank you so much for doing this. And you're going to have to send me the books. I can read it because it's definitely going to be inspirational to me for the days that I feel like I can't. The days where I don't feel like I'm enough, the days whereby it tells me where, you know, I'm overthinker.

1:17:08So to have something, I can read and say, okay, I can do this. I got that. And I thank you so much for doing this. Thank you. Everybody in my audience, I hope this gives you inspiration. So hopefully we will be able to do part two very soon so we can get into the other aspects because I really want to teach people about those procrastinators for people that are building something that's not going to suck the life out of them like a vampire and keeping that safety net and helping people without losing yourself because that's what we seem to be going through. And I really want to do part two of that part of it. If you're interested, I would love to have you. And if we do this, I'll make sure that everybody gets to hear it. And I look forward to you guys learning something. And I hope this episode gives you inspiration. I hope for those of you that are procrastinating.

1:18:09For those of you that are dealing with fear, I hope this helps you to understand you can do anything. Don't let the world stop you from what you were put on this earth to be and become and do. And until next time, I thank you guys for joining me. And we will see you guys next time. Y'all have a good day.