EP 3638 Do you just love to fight?

0:00Hey guys welcome to today's podcast today's episode. Do you just love to fight? Tell you what I've recognised lately in many people and it is certainly something that I used to suffer with and I have to keep under control. I love conflict. I love mayhem. I love to fight. I love when someone argues with me and I can tell them how I'm right. I can love absolutely in conflict with people. If I have an enemy and someone I hate on, I feel like I'm doing something. And I need to control it because I can be, it just can be obsessive. So what I've recognised recently is some people. Some people I watch on social media and just people in general, we love to win, we love to fight. We love drama and mayhem. Maybe you just love it. So when you're constantly finding enemies and people who are attacking you and people don't understand me, they're just out to get me. If that's the sort of attitude you have with things, you're probably mentally and emotionally fried. You're probably buckets full. You really need to be doing some shit to help yourself out because maybe you just love to fight.

1:02Because when you're in that fight mode, it's far better than feeling vulnerable or weak and so therefore it makes it feel like you're achieving something. But all you're doing is destroying shit around you and I just don't see the purpose in it. It feels good. I used to love it. I used to love to be in someone argue with me and then I go, that's bullshit, you don't get it. This is the true thing and then you know, I can tell them my brilliant perspective on something and then I feel like I win the argument. It's the epitome of the person who fights in the social media comments of people. You're an Insta or LinkedIn or Twitter or whatever and you're arguing with people, you're an idiot. Because all that shows me is that you love conflict and you love to fight. When realistically, I don't think there has ever been in the history of humanity on social media. Someone has been argued within the comments section and has had their opinion changed. Now clearly there would be some people but I say that in the extreme for a purpose. I don't often see arguments on social media where someone says, you're a dick, you don't know what you're talking about. This is actually the truth and the other person goes, oh my god, thank you so much.

2:05I actually really appreciate and understand what you're saying and your perspective has been enlightening. Thank you for changing my mind. I never fucking see that. I put a post up the other day on Insta about taking responsibility for the impact of policing. And one person came back, I talked about the other day in the podcast actually. One person came back and said, you don't know my story, it was hard for me, it basically. And I went back, I said, hey, I really feel for you, that sounds tough. But if we don't take responsibility for ourselves, we can't fix things. That person just wanted to argue with me and tell me why I was wrong. Because it suits their purpose. Suits their purpose to be a victim who has no control or influence over the situation they're in. And I'm sure their situation is fucking horrible. I get it. But you know what else I get? I get the fact that when you don't take the responsibility for yourself to change your life, your life doesn't change. So too many people get stuck in this place of, it's not fair for me, life's hard. And I get it. We all have that. I have that constantly. I have their voice in my head that goes, no one understands me, it's sad.

3:07Life's hard for me, nothing works out. And I go, yeah. And I also have a fucking brilliant life and it's awesome because I decide that it is. So maybe you just love to fight. I was in the family court system for a number of years with my daughter's mum, the girl's mum. Until I realized I just love to fight, I was trying to win an argument with her. Because it didn't matter what piece of paper I had, it wasn't going to change the situation when I owed her. So I focused on being a really loving and influential dad, which I was in that process anyway. It's any text messages to my daughters all the time and guess what? One of them's been back hanging out with me for over a year and I'm sure the other one will come around. So I'm like, when I learn to stop fighting, my daughter's mum has been the best teacher to go, if I lose my temper or a marguerite with someone, I lose. No one wins a fight. And yet I see people all the time on social media arguing, you don't understand this. This is that, oh, that's bullshit. You're a fuck with whatever. I'm like, no one's going to listen. Maybe you're addicted to drama and conflict and the fight.

4:09Maybe you're addicted to just constantly feeling like people are against you. So you've got a mountain of climb and I'm going to fight the fight. I couldn't have how many people are like, I'm going to change mental health for police around the world. Good work because the other 7,000 people who've tried couldn't do it. Now, I don't for a second think I'm going to change mental health for anyone. I don't think I'm going to change departmental attitudes. What I'm trying to do is help individuals understand things a bit better. But these people who stand on their soap boxes about, I'm changing this and I'm going to do that. And I'm going to fix this and I'm going to fix that and I'm going to do all of those things. Like these people don't understand that they might just be addicted to the conflict and the fight. And then you're totally ineffective. Get back through every social media post, every podcast I've ever done. You will never see me argue with anyone. And people have left comments really. People come on and go, you shouldn't do this or you shouldn't do that. I go, hey yeah, thanks for your perspective. Totally understand. I can see it from your point of view. Then guess what happens? Silence. They're like, huh. Well, there's no fun because I don't fight.

5:11It is absolutely critical for me that I manage that process because I grew up for 13 years. I had a dad who was a cop and a very on the front foot guy that was constantly fighting bad guys. So I heard that rhetoric for years. I based my own masculinity on it. Being someone who would stand up for other people and fight for what I believed in. 13 years in the police fighting for it. I've had all these things and I'm like, hmm. Actually, the minute you're fighting, you're losing. Now I'm like, I don't want to fight you more. Actually, don't want conflict. I don't want to argue with people. And guess what? I don't want it. But the minute they look like there's a possibility, I absolutely thrive. I'm like, this is amazing. And then I catch myself and go, it's not. And actually, I don't thrive. That's the wrong word because it's totally detrimental to me. But I immediately fire up and get fuck you. This is awesome. I revel in conflict. So therefore I will create it in my life if it's not already happening. Because then I've got to fight to fight and I feel like I'm achieving something

6:12and makes me feel like I'm tougher than the pitiful little man that I am. You might be one of those people as well. And if you're listening to this going, you don't fucking know me. This is bullshit, then I am absolutely talking to you. But here's the thing, I don't care if you change it. It's your life. I have changed it. It's made me a lot happier. You might just think I'm an asshole. Maybe I am. But I can guarantee you one thing. If you constantly keep fighting people, you constantly keep having to try and convince people why you're right and they're wrong. You constantly have to keep, you know, this is bullshit. No one understands me. If you constantly have people who misunderstand you. No one understands me. Everybody always fights me. Yeah, you're either the unlucky person on the planet, which is highly unlikely. Or you're a bit of a dick. I don't have arguments anymore. I don't have conflicts. I've talked about on this podcast. I got in a fight with a guy on the supermarket 20-something years ago. Haven't been in a fight in a supermarket for years because I'm not looking for conflict. How weird.

7:13So which version of you do you want to be? Do you want to be the person who actually lives a good life? Or do you want to be the person that is constantly in the drama and the fight and the bullshit? It is honestly just a choice. It's not an easy choice. It's not a fun choice. It's probably not a choice you want to make, but it is a choice. And if you do not get to a point where you get control of that, then the fighting and the arguing will destroy you. And unfortunately, for the greatest majority of people, they never get a hold of it. So if you constantly have conflict in your life, if you are constantly in that sort of environment, if having to justify what you think and what you say and what you do to people, then you're probably delivering your message in the wrong way. And whether that's your partner, your kids, workmates, friends, family, whomever. But if you're like, I constantly got to fight people to tell them what they need to do. You're like, well, number one, that's arrogant. Number two, maybe you're delivering the message in a really poor way. That's why people don't hear it. I don't know. I think both of those things are probably reasonably accurate. So if you've always got to fight,

8:14if you love to fight, then you will always have that fight. If you love to fight, then that will be the conflict that you get. And once I realize that for myself, holy shit, my whole life turned around. I don't actually want conflict. I just want people to like me. I want people to respect me. I want people to care about me. I don't want people to think I'm a dick, I don't want to have to fight everyone. And I'm not talking about physical fights when I say this, obviously. But just conflict and arguments in general. I don't want that. I want to have people around me that care about me, that know I'm a decent guy, that know I'm out to help them. Maybe you're just addicted to fighting. Maybe you just love conflict. Think about it. Talk to you tomorrow. I hope you enjoyed this episode. Always remember, if you want the results, you have to do the work. If you want to know more about how I can help you, and my story, go to thatstronglifeproject.com.