EP 3830 Are you your own worst bully?

0:00Hey guys welcome to today's podcast today's episode are you your worst bully? So are you your own worst bully? There's something that I realized many years ago is that I used to and I don't as much anymore but I used to talk to myself so horrifically that I literally if it was somebody talking to me the way I spoke to myself I would absolutely be my own worst bully and once I realized it's just how important that sort of self-talk is obviously sorry I'm just quite lunches crackly that so much of the stuff that was for me around PTSD depression like also the stuff that was going on my life was very much based in that really negative self-talk that I had because there was so you know as I started to struggle with things or things are difficult then I'd be very very critical of myself like you're a fucking coward what's wrong with you you should be a lot tougher why you so soft other people can deal with this why can't you it was just this very critical and highly abusive voice and I think a

1:07lot of people particularly people who have quite a high performing mindset of personality which you probably do if you listen to this podcast have that very critical voice we are our own worst bully like nobody is harder on me than I am and even though I am significantly better than I used to be I am still at times very hard on myself like you know if I'm taking time to just rest and relax I'm like fuck your lazy why go and do something you piece of shit but actually seeing you doing nothing and relaxing has been absolutely the thing that I needed to do and so therefore these days I'm very conscious of how I speak to myself and I really assess that that's voice in my head that you know you might be like I don't have a voice in my head now if you pay attention for long enough you will realize there is a commentary there is like there are some people that don't actually have the voice in their head that it's more of a feeling there's a whole lot of different aspects to it but we all have that inner monologue or that inner critic that just a person who is narrating our life about who we are

2:14what we're doing and what's this mean and what's that person say that for and do they like me or not all the stuff that it's just a very natural insecurity fear-based stuff that we all have but if you're not conscious of the fact of just how much impact that has on you and your state of mind and your general feeling of well-being and or not then it can be such a destructive part of your life that you just unaware of how much it is chipping away yourself something that I realize on my mum very much was that she had that type of voice where everything was very critical and she you know wasn't certainly didn't have a very high opinion of herself in certain places certain aspects of a life and you go that to me was a very interesting thing to realize and the impact and the outcome of that for her was you know quite difficult circumstances and mindset in many things that she encountered and it can be that voice that just had the belief systems that are

3:15you know you're not lucky you're lazy you don't deserve this or that nobody's going to love you you're fucking fat whatever the things are and like it's the classic situation when you look at something like an eating disorder where the person who is suffering from those insidious conditions look at themselves in the mirror and see someone who's really overweight when they are actually really undernourished male-nourished extremely skinny now I'm not eating to sort of expert of course but because they're internal narrative and their internal voice is so critical and so inaccurate in its assessment of the person and just chips away and you know actually just eats away like a canter that person self-worth value confidence body image whatever so those types of things and if you are somebody who is not consciously thinking about or observing or rationally assessing how you think about yourself what the language is that you use what is the type of descriptors or the narration that you have in your life about yourself

4:21and what you do and where you fit in and where you don't and I find I find it just pops up at times different things you know where I'll be like can be anything like put out a social media post do a workshop you know walk into you know classic even similar I'm walking into the class of the gym and the greatest majority of the people in the class are training to know the good people will have fun with them and sometimes they'll walk in and someone will look at me look at me and in my that voice my head goes are they fucking hate you see I knew they thought I was a dickhead you're a fucking idiot nobody even want you here and I'm like wow and it just rolls off so quickly before I even have a chance to catch it but luckily for me now I know that's just that negative voice it's a mechanism and an expression of that monkey brain fart a flight response it's trying to help you look for danger and not get rejected from your tribe and blah blah blah all the stuff I talk about I feel like incessantly every day but it's to be very aware and very observant of that voice of what the content and the context is around the way you speak to yourself

5:25subconsciously or the way you speak to yourself in your own mind or the way you narrate your behavior or the way you assess what you do because you may well be your own fucking worst bully and I've worked really hard through meditation and journaling and a whole lot of other stuff to actually really build a strong level of self-worth and confidence and value where I'm you know really happy with the person I am and appreciate what I do so when those negative voices come up and go wow that's interesting that's still there rather than oh I fucking yours a piece of shit because the opinion of you know my opinion of me of that voice is weird as that sounds who gives a shit because it's not accurate so you can accurately assess whether that negative self talk or self-image of yours is true or not because you can objectively look at the way the people are in the treacher you can objectively assess the interactions you have in your life if you're somebody who has no one in your life that cares about you everybody says you're an asshole and people avoid you like the plague and you're like no that negative voice isn't right I'm an amazing

6:29person well you're an idiot like obviously it takes fucking common sense but if everybody in your life is like you're a really good person I love hearing that with you you're amazing and you're like oh I'm a fucking piece of shit nobody likes me that is just 100% a negative voice in a commentary that's totally inaccurate and you're not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by leaning into or engaging in that it's only going to tear you down so it's also for you to have the common sense to be able to look at whether it's true or not and then change that voice so that you are actually engaging in the best possible way you can to monitor and change the negativity if that's what needs to happen because you being your own was bully probably is better than someone else bullying you but probably not dramatically because it's still going to have that very negative impact on you because as you are having those negative thoughts and that those negative assessments and that negative commentary and all of those things it's still going to impact you you're still going to be

7:33feeling less than amazing about it you're still going to be very judgmental it's still going to be something that where you are constantly like oh maybe I'm a piece of shit no don't deserve this or that or the other thing like that has to happen because I think it's extremely difficult if not impossible to constantly hear what a piece of shit you are what a poor person you are how you don't deserve this that or the other thing and still maintain good confidence and self-worth and value it's what occurs in you know relationships with people that you know that have that sort of co-host of controlled DV relationship where one partner is just constantly criticizing and demeaning the other person and then that the victim of that behavior loses all their confidence and loses all their self-worth and value and they don't know what's right or wrong and they start to believe that they are a piece of shit they start to believe that nobody does care about them they start to believe that they're not worth anything and when you can think about it in the aspect of a bullying or a domestic violence relationship where someone is constantly telling you your piece of shit constantly chipping away to control you constantly trying to get you to feel

8:33worse about yourself so you will be in a fragile place where you can be controlled more easily which is what's occurring particularly in that domestic violence top scenario then if you are doing to yourself is it any less impactful in some ways it's probably more insidious because at least when someone else is doing it you can assess whether it's true or not when a juar-own voice telling you your piece of shit who knows you better so let's be careful that you're not your own worst bully just wonder have take time to go how do I talk to myself actually just listen to that you might not even notice it like that voice might have been so negative for so long it's like fucking white noise in the background that's just like well of course you couldn't get up and go to Jimmy Lazy piece of shit and then you get out of the show and you look at the mirror and you go yep still fat you fucking whatever then you go to do something you go see you're a dumbass as if you could do that like that could just be so normal and have been going on for such a period of time that is totally subconsciously you don't even hear it anymore because it's just there

9:34and that was certainly where my head was at many years ago now I'm like wow the voice my head now is fairly objective and gives me the negative opinion when I need it but also a lot of positive stuff because I've trained myself to look for that so just ask yourself are you potentially your own worst bully and if you are do something about it chat tomorrow I hope you enjoyed this episode always remember if you want the results you have to do the work if you want to know more about how I can help you and my story go to thestronglifeproject.com