Dr Charles Stanley - Why Our Needs Remain Unmet - Part 2

0:00Now Lord, show me the structures that I've used before in dealing with my needs. Have I been one of those persons who just acquiesce to everything around me? Have I used lying? Have I been denying what this real need is? Lord have I been compromising? Have I been angry? Have I been projecting on someone else? Lord, what have I been doing trying to deal these emotional needs? I'm here to tell you God, I'll show you what it is. Do you know why you get angry about some things and sad about others? Or why you might make jokes in serious situations? These reactions could be subconscious defenses. Today on In Touch, the teaching ministry of Dr. Charles Stanley will explore the real issues behind our behavior in part two of why our needs remain unmet. The foundational need in every person's life is a personal relationship with God through

1:02His Son, Jesus Christ and their faith in Him by accepting His death at the cross and asking Him to forgive us of our sins. We are brought into a personal relationship with God through the death of Jesus Christ and our faith in Him is the Son of God. That is the basic number one need. Upon that awesome basic foundational need are three additional emotional needs that every single person needs. These are universal needs no matter who a person may be. The first need, let's see how much you remember, the first need is what? A sense of belonging. And so God the Father has made that absolutely possible because when He saves us, what is He do? The Bible says He adopts us into His kingdom, that is He makes us a part of His family. He becomes our Heavenly Father and therefore we have someone to whom we belong, God the Father. We have someone that belongs to us, we call Him my Father. What is the second universal basic need, the need of what?

2:03The need of sense of worthiness, that is we need to feel that we are worth something, that we are valued. And so what do the Lord Jesus Christ do to prove that? He came and died on the cross which was His way of saying to us, this is how much you are worth. God the Father and I and the Holy Spirit thank you that you are worth this, that I am willing to lay down my life for you and make it possible for you to be forgiven of your sin and make it possible for you to become a child of the living God. That's how much value I place and you so when it comes to our sense of belonging, we belong to the Heavenly Father. Our sense of worth is demonstrated by the death of Jesus and thirdly we need a sense of what? A sense of competence, that is that we are capable, we are able to do anything and everything God calls us to do. So what did He do? He sent the Holy Spirit to endure loss. He says He sealed us with the Holy Spirit and the Holy Spirit is our great supernatural enabler who enables you and me to do anything and everything God desires for us to do. So therefore we can feel very comfortable in our sense of belonging and worth and competence

3:06because of our relationship to God. And I want to say this that no matter how capable you may feel, no matter how belonging you may feel to others, what your sense of worth until you have a personal relationship with God through His Son, Jesus Christ, a sense of belonging, a sense of competence, a sense of worth, it will never be there the way God intends for it to be. You will never experience those, the way God desires you to experience them until you have a relationship with Almighty God. Now we've talked about how people usually respond and we've talked about how we look at needs in our life and why God oftentimes does not answer them. But the one that I want us to deal with primarily here is I want us to talk about this whole idea of trying to meet them our way and what we do. We go about building these structures, building these devices, emotionally in our life in order to help us to survive. What I'd like to do is I'd like to mention several of these.

4:08To say right up front, this is not the way that you deal with needs in your life, those emotional needs that are not being met. This is not the way to do it, but this is the way oftentimes we do it. What is one of the primary ways we deal with hurt, pain, suffering, excruciating things that have been done to us, abandonment being ignored? One of the first things we do, we deny it. That's the first structure and probably the most prominent structure we build. We'll just deny it. Now, if I can cram it, stuff it and jam it to the point that I can deny that it ever happened, then I don't have to face it. Then I'm not going to reach out to say to someone else, I need you to help me. Denial is my way of hiding. Denial is my protection. Denial is a structure I build in my emotional being that says somewhere along the way, if I put this aside long enough that I'm going to be able to just outgrow this and get over

5:13this. Now, I say all of that to say this. We can deny things. We don't even realize that we've denied them. And I'm saying we build structures in our life that we're not even aware of. Second structure we build is avoidance. I'm talking about just AVORDANCE avoidance. We avoid things. Now for example, let's say that you were deeply in love with someone and I mean you just love them with all your heart. And they just walked away and said, you know what? I don't love you and I don't want to marry you or whatever it might be. And so I mean you were deeply, deeply hurt, deeply scarred in your emotions. You had just given yourself that person as much as you could before marriage and you were living a godly life and they just walked away. Well what would be the natural normal structure? Well what would the little child, what structure would the little child be when the parents walk away? Little child build the structure. To be real careful who I love from now on because if I love somebody else and if I

6:13trust someone else what they're going to do to me, they're going to do the same thing my mom and my dad did to me and they're going to leave me and they're going to hurt me and I'm not going to suffer that again. So I'm building myself a wall big enough, thick enough high enough they're not going to get in. Now does the child think through that? No. But here's what a child does. In experience have to experience relationship, after relationship, what do they do? They just put it up. Well one of the ways we build structures is by projection. Now again a little child doesn't think about this and we as adults don't even know what we're doing. And then the child says, you know what, that's your fault, that's your problem. And so instead of assuming responsibility for our failures, instead of assuming responsibility for the fact that sometimes we don't do as well as we could, what we want to do, we want to blame somebody else, we get into blame game. And so we want to blame, blame, blame. We want to project on other people the reason for our feelings and that we want to say,

7:16well you know if you had not done this to me then this is the way I would feel. And so we have a very unforgiving spirit. You know what? You cannot have a real genuine personal intimate loving, fulfilling, contenting relationship with anybody who is living with an unforgiving spirit. I don't care who they are, you absolutely cannot. You may have moments of intimacy, you may have moments of joy, moments of happiness, but under the long run a person who has an unforgiving spirit, a person who is always blaming someone else, a person who has been hurt back there in some way and who has felt the pain and the intensity of that pain so much that they not only blame that person but they listen, what they do is they spray blame on anybody and everybody who looks like they may even possibly be a threat or may even want to begin to think in terms of having an intimate relationship with them. And so a person who lives with that has got to be very, very difficult to live with, but

8:17that is exactly the kind of structure some people build. Then of course one of the primary structures people build is lying. Yes, I mean just pure downright telling a lie. Now what they will say is oftentimes, well it's a little white lie. After all, if you were in my position you would do the same thing. Don't we hear that everywhere you turn? Well you do the same thing if you're in my position. No, not necessarily. You see lying is the form of protection. Goes on in business, goes on in church, goes on in families, goes on among kids. But you see it, now child doesn't decide this is the way I'm going to survive in this family. I'm going to lie. No, they just do it and see what I want you to understand again. The structures get built oftentimes unconsciously but because they're never dealt with those structures remaining we shut people out for fear of failure, fear of disappointing them, fear of what they may think, what we do we can control our world if we can lie enough and get by with it.

9:18Then of course one of those structures that we build is acquiescence. Now what do I mean by that? I mean simply this. When a person acquiesce is what they do is they give in and the truth is they get by giving in. And so let's say for example that here's a person who gets an argument or they have particular needs in their life and here's what they've discovered. The best way to protect themselves is just giving and just say well you know you're absolutely correct. Now let's say that here's a wife and her personality is such well here's the dispute between her husband and herself and so she says let's get this out here and open and talk about it. He says all know honey look just anything you want to do is fine I mean it's all right no problem I mean you know go buy yourself a new dress I mean the deal is he does not want to have conflict with his wife. If I should ask the men in here how many of you love conflict with your wife raise your hand no sensible man in here is going to raise his hand and yet oftentimes conflict is healthy.

10:18You just have to talk it out and so that there's oftentimes conflict so here's what a woman thinks here's how she feels. You don't want to discuss this you just want to give me my way what you're doing is you're throwing all the responsibility on me and so she feels shut out and she feels ice and rejected because you don't have the guts that's not here and talk about this thing that we get this off and so she gets the blood of it and so what does the man say well honey I just you know I just want you to have your way and now whatever pleases you is just one of that's not what she wants she wants to settle this issue and he wants to do what he can't stand the rejection and because he loves and sometimes if he's co-dependent upon her and so dependent upon her acceptance and so dependent upon her love and so dependent upon her this and so dependent upon that and if he so dependent upon what she does for him physically that he can't stand up and be a man and do what he ought to do then what happens you don't get anything settled he just go through life with this need in this and what happens there's no real genuine down to earth intimacy there because there's always

11:21this something that somehow either he or she can't face it now that it can be opposite it can be the woman who is acting that way rather than a man but that's one of the ways that people deal with those issues then of course there's conformity for example here's a child grows up and that child's got a man of his own I mean he's a good thinker she's a good thinker and they're creative and they and they have initiative and so they want to create they want to be creative and have the initial sit down and shut up no you can't why do you think you can do that so what does a child do a child wills they lay down their creativity they lay down their initiative they lay down their strengths and they just do what they just make me like putty and I conform to whatever you want will they grow up and here's what they was that's the way they eliminate being rejected that's the way they eliminate their parents scolding them that's the way they eliminate being abandoned up for periods of time well that's the way they eliminate

12:21having their parents mistreat them and there was just conform just just just like putty just fit me into the mold none of those are the ways you deal with getting needs met every single one of those is and there lots and lots of others all of those are structures emotional structures we build and we start building a very early in life in order to survive in order to be able to face life and listen the more you've been hurt early in life and the more structures you've built early in life the more you're going to keep out there later in life God intends for us to build gardening relationships in life because you see that's what we and he are all about we and he are all about a relationship an intimate relationship and relationship of two people the genuine love each other own earth is a beautiful example of the kind of relationship that a heaven father wants to have with us and so therefore if we come along in life and we just naturally build

13:23these structures if we don't deal with the structures we're going to end up with our whole life never having really until it been fulfilled and listen carefully the more painful those experiences are early in childhood the thicker and the higher those structures will be and the more difficult it will be to get through them now the last question simply is how do I deal how do we tear these things down what how do we deal with these structures first of all we're not blaming anybody but the fact that they started early in life but we are responsible as adults and we are responsible when we learn what's going on and why it's happening we are responsible for dealing with them first thing we do is this we said Lord here's what I think my need is help me to discern the difference between what the symptom is and the real basic need Lord is my real need that I feel so rejected is my real need that I I need to feel accepted and I need to feel a sense of worth Lord is my real need a sense of security that's based on the right thing God helped me to be able to discern

14:25between the real need and some symptom now Father here's what you said you said that you would supply all of my needs according to your riches in glory in Christ Jesus and therefore understanding what this is I believe you're going to meet my need here now Lord show me the structure show me the structures that I've used before in dealing with my needs have I been one of those persons who just acquiesce to everything around me have I used lying have I been denying what this real need is Lord have I been compromising what I have been angry have I been projecting on someone else Lord what have I been doing trying to deal these emotional needs I'm here to tell you God I'll show you what it is he will show you the structures in your life that you've used before Lord I choose beginning today to tear them down lay them down Lord I'm not lying and I'm not acquiescing anymore I'm not going to argue I'm not going to project anymore I'm not denying this anymore God I know this is in my life I know this is a need and Lord I'm I'm asking you to meet that need I'm

15:27tearing down these walls I'm not surviving and I'm not building in more defense mechanisms in my life God I want you to meet my need your way and I'm trusting and doing Lord what would you have me to do God will answer that prayer every single time because you know what you're doing you're dealing with the real you you coming to grip with the problem that God is aware of you coming to grip with the solution that he knows you coming to grips with the person with yourself that he knows so well and so you're saying I'm laying that down that's not my way of dealing with my needs in long Lord I'm trusting you God may say to you I want you to go see so and so and talk to him or to her I want you to seek Godly counsel to help lead you through this God Almighty this loving unconditionally loving Father he will be there for you in those moments when you say to him Lord not living that way anymore God I don't want to live now let me tell you something it may be real painful it may be extremely painful for you to say you know what I'm not going to acquiesce

16:35anymore I'm just going to stand up and say you know what I don't agree with that I want to be kind God I want to be loving show me how to be kind when I'm having conflict show me how to be kind Lord show me that the person is not rejecting me they may be rejecting my behavior they may reject something I've done they may disagree with my attitude they may reject my attitude not rejecting me God help me to be able to deal with the pain the first few times I have to just stand up for myself and no Lord that you're going to heal me through this it can be painful it can be embarrassing but you know what you've got to decide do I want to be a whole person do I want to be a whole person I do I want to go through the rest of my life emotionally crippled because I didn't have the courage to stand up and face Lord hear the walls you say now there's there's not even an issue about why they got built that's not the issue God knows that we come along early in life and we all build them that's not the issue the issue is here's what it is and God I want to

17:40lay it down I want to tear it down take it away God and give me the courage to hurt to feel the pain whatever's necessary but God above everything is heal me of my hurts so I can be the God the man the God the woman the godly young person Lord you want me to be and my friend all my dear loving God will answer that prayer will meet your needs father you're so patient so loving so kind so forgiving so helpful so there so present with us in our difficult our hardship our pain thank you that you make it so clear in your word that you indeed are committed to healing our hurts and meeting our needs I pray the spirit of the living God will enable every single person who hears this message to tear down by determination and faith and willpower your God-given willpower tear down

18:40these structures so that real joy real life real relationships can be a part of our life but we ask it in Christ's name amen doctor Stanley's message encouraged us to take our heartaches and distresses to God he can help us understand and deal with the underlying issues this process may be painful but the freedom it brings will be well worth the effort to listen again click today on radio at ntouch.org and search our online resources to learn more about what God might be trying to do through your circumstances if you'd like to order a copy of doctor Stanley's complete message why our needs remain unmet open the store on our homepage it's also available as part of the entire teaching set God

19:41has an answer for our unmet needs our web address again is ntouch.org or call or text 1-800-NTouch if you prefer you can write to us at ntouch post office box 7900 at land to georgium 303-57 are you wishing you could be more consistently like Jesus some tips are just ahead in today's moment with Charles Stanley does your prayer life need a jump start with the in touch praying with purpose cards the time you spend talking with God will take on a whole new level of energy and intimacy beautifully designed and easy to use or to share with a friend there are prayers to lift up each day of the month along with corresponding Bible verses and more for your set of praying with purpose cards call 1-800-NTouch or go to ntouch.org slash store you don't need to be perfect for your children can get over this one that's it but with just a

20:44little encouragement a lot of laughter some time and attention and a bit of patience you'll pass along confidence and affirm connection with God that lasts a lifetime in his book Man of God Dr. Charles Stanley helps us understand what it takes to grow into a man after God's own heart today at ntouch.org slash store you're listening to ntouch could you use some fresh motivation to live a consistent Christian life here's a moment with Charles Stanley what can we do to make sure that we walk each day in step with God well first of all I think we need to realize that being busy and fruitful are not the same thing secondly realize that the absence of deliberate sin does not mean that you and I are walking in step with God just because you keep the 10 commandments so because you do certain things and don't do

21:46others doesn't mean that you're in step with God being in step with God means that I am doing what he would have me to do and so when I think about how does this work I can tell you how it best works for me and the scripture says in Psalm 5 and I love this passage in the morning oh Lord you will hear my voice in the morning I will order my prayer to you and eagerly watch beginning the day with him listening to him acknowledging his presence and acknowledge his sovereign right to rule in our life reminding us for example there we'd be submissive to him another suggestion I'd make and certainly it's worked for me and that's this to make a list of what you believe God's priorities are so each night I try to list all those most of the time in the middle of the night around three thirty to four o'clock somewhere thereabouts because it gets me started right with him listening to him and oftentimes when I'm in the process of trying to determine the theme of a message out of the

22:47night and God's goodness and love and mercy there he tells me exactly what it is so you start the day over with him you're going to end up a lot better now there's something else I'd mention that's this when you're facing a decision before you make a snap quick decision just stop for a second ask us something question does this fit what God wants me to do today if you and I are going to walk in step with him we have to stop and think what would the Lord have me to do what is the will of God just stop and pause and ask yourself the question if I'm walking in step with a father is this going to keep me in step or get me out of step what are the consequences the truth is God will help us to pause and to ask the right question so I just want to challenge you you want to walk obediently before God walking his steps you can you can walk in the steps every day simply ask him to teach you find out more about living a full life as a Christian at ntouch.org

23:50and if you gain new insight from today's program that helps you grow in your faith please tell us about it tomorrow on ntouch Jesus Christ is the answer to all your needs so it just makes sense to cultivate a thriving friendship with him be encouraged when you join us Tuesday for ntouch the teaching ministry of dr. Charles Stanley this program is a presentation of ntouch ministries at lanta georgia and remains on this station through the grace of god and your faithful prayers and gifts