Dr. Becky: Parenting 101

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2:12Because the most powerful statement you can make is being yourself. Obviously, Daddy Gang, they have meaningful zodiac symbols and personalized jewelry pieces. Each design tells a story that's uniquely yours, a reflection of what you stand for, what you believe, and how you choose to show up every day. Pandora Talisman, a new language of self-expression. Because every version of you deserves to be seen, shop new styles in store or online at Pandora.net. What is up, Daddy Gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper. With call her daddy. Daddy, daddy. Dr. Becky, welcome to Call her daddy. So excited to be here. Thank you. Okay. You are a clinical psychologist and you are often referred to as the millennial parent whisperer. You essentially break down parenting in a very smart, empathetic way. And so I think all of my Daddy Gang moms or future moms to be are going to really enjoy this episode.

3:12But I also think for anyone who maybe that isn't their journey, I do think they're going to get a lot out of this episode as well. Because we are going to talk about boundaries and attachment theory and confidence, which is applicable to everyone. So thank you for being here. Excited to jump into it all. You also kind of had this moment where you turned this parenting philosophy good inside into essentially a huge brand. And this has become like kind of like you the cornerstone of like a lot of things you talk about. Can you explain the idea behind that name? Yeah. I think it goes back to so many more years ago than even my Instagram started where I said, okay, so if I'm going to give myself permission to question the pure punishment timeout version of parenting, what am I left with? If I strip away all the assumptions from a first principle's perspective, and I was kind of left with two things. One was I think kids are born good inside. Like I just don't believe babies are born thinking I'm going to wake up my parents a lot and you know,

4:15and make them not sleep and give them a hard time. I think kids are born good inside. And then this other thing I was left with is that kids are born with all the feelings and none of the skills. And so that's why good kids do a lot of bad things because when any of us, by the way, at any age, have feelings that overpower skills, they come out as behavior. And so it all came down to that. And that first idea that we're born good inside explains why we need to teach skills that we don't have to so much insert all these things into a kid. They kind of have them and we have to help them access them. I love that because I think so much of it, your right is like, it does put a lot on the parents where it's like, this is a lot of this can actually be in your control to help your child continue to be good. Of course, there's going to be mess ups and of course, there's going to be hardships. But it's like, most children are coming out and are good human beings. And then by nurture and nature, it's like what is going to happen in their circumstances?

5:17They're going to mold them into the human being. They're going to be and no pressure parents. But you are a majority of that. So buckle up and good luck. Yeah, and it sounds intimidating. But I think actually so much of the idea of good inside came down to in my practice. Everyone wants to know what to do. What do I do when my kid hits? What do I do when my kid lies to my face? But way before we can think of an effective strategy, it actually comes down to what's my mindset? How am I looking at my kid? And I think there's two mindsets we have when our kid acts out. Do I have a good kid having a hard time? Or do I have a bad kid doing bad things? And there's no strategy that matters as much as thinking about that mindset. By the way, it's the same as a marriage. My husband's annoying me. Is he a good person having a hard time? Or is he a bad person doing things to me? And everything flows from there. Such a good point. Okay, we need to get into gentle parenting. Yeah, we do. Because I was so excited to ask you about this because I know it is very busy.

6:21It's very controversial. People have a lot of thoughts, even like in prepping for this, I was like asking around like, oh, look, what's your parenting style just to see if anyone I'm interacting with does gentle parenting. And so I want to get your opinion, where do you stand on this approach? And also for anyone that maybe doesn't know what it is if you can explain it a little bit. So I don't even know if I'm the best person to explain it. And I think probably it's been portrayed like most things in these extreme ways in the media that nobody actually believes. It just makes for funny memes, you know? So I think the stereotypical gentle parent focuses a lot on their kids' feelings. A lot. Oh, you're so mad. No wonder you're so mad. They really care about their kids' feelings. And I don't think the intention is to stay there. But I think people believe that gentle parenting is an attention on your kids' feelings without a focus on boundaries and rules and kind of the other half. And so the term gentle parenting,

7:22what I can say, has never appealed to me. Because when I think about my best parenting moments, gentle is just so far down the list of how I would describe myself. And I think we talk a lot of good inside about being a sturdy parent. And it's not a word we often use, but I think in your own life you probably know someone who feels sturdy and they're at once able to listen to you and care for you, but they in no ways lose themselves in the process. Like you can locate them as well. I think that's what we need to go for. Such a good point because I feel like I was having this conversation with my friend the other day, just obviously as I'm preparing to become a parent. And I, a lot of my life, I was so fortunate to look up to really incredible parents. My mom and my dad, that's half the reason I was worried about getting married. Because I'm like, how am I going to replicate this? Because they did such a great job. And I feel like that's probably more like less common than the other situation. And so I got really lucky.

8:22But something I always felt with my mom was like, she was so solid in her parenting techniques. And I really now when I look back, no, I was such a good word to hear from her as much as it was probably annoying when I was a child. I know actually made me feel safe at the time it pissed me off. But my mother like telling me no and giving me boundaries, it actually allowed me as a child to feel safe and make me feel like, okay, there are parameters that a sturdy person is putting around me. And I'm not the one in control because when a child feels in control, like they can do anything, I don't know who I would have, I would have become a monster Becky. Okay, me too. I move it off the rails. I think you're right. I mean, safety exists within a container. If you feel like you can control the edges of the world yourself, that's it's terrifying. You won't say it as a kid. You seem happy in the moment because there's no over conflict.

9:23But those are the people I can't even tell you how many 20-somethings I've seen in my practice who feel really angry later on at their parents. Like, oh, I was mad at you. So you didn't set rules that were good for me. Like, that pisses me off now. Okay, can we talk about some like maladaptive behaviors that you see that could come as a result of gentle parenting? Yeah, and again, I believe we have to let kids know their feelings are real and kids' feelings cannot dictate parental decisions and world realities. Right? I think we've gone from you don't want to go to Aunt Sally's. Who cares? Stop whining. Too, you don't want to go to Aunt Sally's. So now one of us will stay home and you don't have to go. And so if I think about what that means, let's say, then 10 years from now, 20 years from now, it's a really dangerous thing for people to think my feelings give me the right to change the

10:23world around me. My feelings are information, but my feelings are more of a signal than some external truth. It can lead to a lot of narcissism. It can lead to really unhealthy relationship patterns. Right, because it's almost like the kid is kind of then in control always. Yes. And when they learn that, then it's kind of a free for all because now it's all predicated on what your child is feeling and then you're going to adapt for them. And they never kind of almost have to go through the hardships of learning like, that's not how this works. And then I can imagine in school or with peers, when they don't get what they want, they're going to have friction because other kids are going to be like, we all were told we can't do that. Why are you still trying to do it? Yeah, learning how to tolerate things not going your way. Learning how to tolerate disappointment, learning how to tolerate jealousy. These are the skills of life. And you can't develop skills for experiences you've never had. So if every time you feel a feeling, your parent gives you an exit ramp, you're going to expect the world to give you exit ramps.

11:26Okay. So talking about being a sturdy parent, yes. I know that you have kind of used this like pilot metaphor before. And I think that could maybe help people understand it even more. Can you explain how this translates to parenting? Yes. So imagine being a passenger. Okay. And I'm assuming you don't have a pilot license to you. I do not mess up my metaphor. Okay. And there's intense turbulence, like not normal, really intense turbulence. And I think in that situation, let's say you, the other passengers are kind of screaming, you're nervous. And I think there's one of three announcements that could come on from the pilot. And they perfectly kind of mimic different approaches to parenting. So one pilot one says, hey, everyone, stop screaming back there. You're freaking out over nothing. You are so dramatic. Why can't you have one flight where you're just calm. It's no big deal. Right? Oh my God. You imagine. Well, exactly that I would be more activated. First of all, I'd be thrown off that my screaming is enough to make my pilot

12:28unnerved. I also, if my pilot says it's not even big turbulence. If I felt like it was, I'd be like, well, maybe it is. Like are you missing something? Right. You know, why do I feel like I know a little bit more than you in this moment exactly? Or why are you trying to downplay this in this moment? Right. Exactly. So that's pilot one. Not so good. Pilot two, kind of the opposite extreme, which is, hey guys, there's a lot of turbulence. I'm going to open up the cockpit doors. If anyone back there wants to come and fly the plane, because this is a really tricky situation. And maybe one of you knows what to do. And this is when we don't have any authority. There's no boundaries. And we look to our passengers to make decisions that really should rely on a closed cockpit. We are not equal decision makers with our kid. Right. I mean, I'm not even scared of the turbulence anymore. I'm just scared that this person's my pilot. Right. And so I think the first situation is kind of pure reactivity. The second situation is no boundaries. And here's pilot three. Hey guys, I hear you screaming back there. There's a lot of turbulence. And by the way, if you want to

13:29keep screaming, scream away. I've been a pilot in a number of years. I know we're going to get through the situation. I'm going to stop this announcement right now and go back to doing my job. And I'll see you when we land at LAX. I want that pilot. I guess. Exactly. And I think there's two components. They validated my reality. If I think the turbulence is enough to scream, that is based in some reality in my body. I don't know if it's really big turbines, but I'm already screaming. I want that scene, but I don't want my feelings to be contagious to my pilot. That's terrifying. So I literally need that boundary kind of. I understand your upset and your upset doesn't infiltrate my experience. I can hold my own experience separate from that. Right. And it doesn't impact my ability as the parent, aka the pilot, to do the job that you are fully relying on me to do. And that is so putting it in that terms. I think is so digestible because I agree. I would freak out if there was a

14:34pilot who was kind of like unknowing of what's going on. And I bet that's how children can sense. Like, oh, my parent has no idea what's going on. And that's again when they are going to act out. You see it with the kids when the parents are like, I don't know. And they're anxious. Like, what do we do? And they're like, you don't know? Oh, let's wreak havoc because if you don't know, then I'm going to take charge. And it's going to be a disaster. I mean, it's so thoughtful and insightful that you said that because that's exactly right where parents will then say, but then my kid takes advantage of me. No, your kid gets activated because when we say things like, hey, I'm going to change altitude now. Okay. Okay. Is that okay? I'm going to make an emergency landing, guys. Okay. No, no, okay. Don't ask me. Why are you raising your voice? I'm going to turn off the TV now. Okay. That will make a kid. It's not take advantage, but they sense that there's no pilot. And I think a four year old is still going to I'm going to go out with my friends. Okay. And dad's going to put you to bed and I need to go out with my friends to be a happy person. And my

15:39friends are you asking my permission to have a life? That is so that feels so bad for a four-year old right? Because it feels unstable. So what? Why are you looking to me? Thank you to Clavio for sponsoring today's segment. Okay. So something I recognize is that every single week you guys see me on call her daddy interviewing a guest or doing a solo episode. And I love that part of my job truly so much. But another aspect of my business that has been so fulfilling is building a company that has the ability to make a real impact. And I have realized that a lot of you probably don't know what goes on behind the scenes at Unwell, the people, the initiatives, and essentially the work that we're doing outside of just creating the content that you see every day. So about two and a half years ago, we launched the Unwell Foundation. And it was really important to me and my company and all of us to basically use the incredible opportunities that we have been given to find ways

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20:55you subscribe today. Plus they offer an obsession guarantee. If you're not completely obsessed, you'll get your money back. That's O-L-L-I-E.com slash call her daddy. Ali feed the obsession. So let's talk about parenting styles though when two parents, you've got two people a lot of times in these dynamics, right? We have the absolute incredible women who are doing it on their own, which I'm like, you know what? You deserve every award in the book. Let's say you do have two people in the parenting dynamic, okay? And one of those people came from a really strict household and the other one came from a pretty relaxed household. And so you have two parents that are trying to navigate how to parent, but they have very different approaches. Yeah. How does this impact the child? Well, I think I'll start with the partnership because that matters, which

21:55and you kind of alluded to it. But I think it is important to understand that parenting is a language, right? And whatever language was in our home is going to be the thing that comes naturally, whether we want it to or not. Because some parents say, my parents were too strict, but still when my kid says to me, you're the worst dad in the world, you're the worst mom, my body is going to look in and say, what do I know about situations like this in terms of how to respond? And you might find the words coming out of your mouth that you told yourself you never say. So coming into having kids or at any point reflecting what happened in my home and what am I bringing to this, whether I want to or not? That's number one. Number two, I think you're talking about, you know, what happens when you have two parents who aren't on the same page? How does that impact the kid? I think the thing that's hardest for the kid is when those differences lead to a lot of undermining and overt conflict with the kid. Because kids then internalize that and they that's one more thing they're

22:56trying to hold in their body and often is a reason for a lot more acting out. They're just like absorbing all the conflict. Could you give an example of that? So let's just say, you know, it's me and my husband and he hears me say, after this episode, I'm turning off the TV, right? Okay. And I go and I turn off the TV and my kid starts whining. And then my husband says, you know, just give him five more minutes. That's really, really hard on the kid. Because now, I'll probably say, whoa, I'm working on holding this boundary and, you know, different things and why am I the only adult in this house? And then my kid isn't just responding to ending screen time. They're responding to, ooh, again, the system we live in systems. So the system around me that I need to feel safe doesn't itself feel so safe versus I say this and my husband thinks, Becky, you're a little uptight. Let's just say he thinks that probably some truth. And he finds me later and he says, look, I feel like screen time limits, especially it could have

23:59been 10 more minutes, whatever his argument is, right? Finding me outside the moment. But in the moment, kind of backing up my choice and tolerating the kids whining and not undermining me, we're never going to agree with everything with our spouse. But how much it comes into play, kind of comes alive right next to my kid. I think, you know, that's the biggest difference. I can imagine how, again, also disorienting that is for the child because it's already hard for a kid to be like, okay, I have to listen to my parents, right? And if you're wavering, like we've talked about, it's confusing to them. So then to have two complete people that have authority over you on different pages, I can't imagine how like split their brain is trying to navigate because then you're also not seeing this as a unit. That's right. And so I hear what you're saying, which is great advice is it's like, even if in the moment you disagree with what your partner maybe is doing, it's a conversation not in front of the child because you want to present as a

25:03united front. Yes. Yes. So that the children are obviously respecting you, but more so so the child has that sturdy pilot in front of them. And they don't have to be like, but all the time that my dad does this or my mom does this or my mom and my mom do that, it's like too much for the kid to process when they're just trying to be like, I thought I was trying to figure out the boundary. Yeah. And you guys actually made the boundary more confusing. Yeah, it's kind of like hearing your co-pilots argue about what altitude you should be flying at. Right. And like the button gets pressed and you're not supposed to be hearing it. You're like, I feel like the plane's going down. Can you to focus on doing the job instead of fighting? That's exactly right. And you know, it's interesting because someone asked me this question recently and I brought it to my own husband because I have this these kids I call deeply feeling kids. So I think kind of need a little bit of a different approach. And anyway, and someone said, how did you get your husband on board with that approach? Because he was definitely raised not, you know, in the same way. And I asked him, how did I get you on board? And he goes, I'm not on board. I was like, Oh, what? You know, I was like, I just blew my mind because I'm not on board like so much of my body, especially when our daughter

26:07was younger was saying, I want to do things differently, but I just didn't get in the way. And I kind of watched it and I trusted you. And I just think when I shared this with our community, they found it very liberating. Maybe I don't need my partner to have 100% agreement. But what if we just chose different lanes or we said to each other, I'm not going to undermine what you're doing. And let's watch it play out for a certain number of months, however long and then revisit it. It's kind of like out work. You're not always going to agree with what another team is doing. But you probably can say, let's give this six months. Let's see how this plays out. And I'm not going to come to every meeting arguing against this project you're working on. Well, such a good point too. It's like there's never even when you're in a relationship without children, there is no winning an argument. It's finding that middle ground where you both feel hurt and respected. And when it comes to a child and parenting a child, I'm assuming it's then applicable to be like, one of us is going to have more of like an innate feeling of how we should approach this. And if you feel so strongly,

27:08I have to respect and trust you. Let's go with it. And that's great. And then we can adjust if it doesn't work. But it's way better than us both walking in and be like, no, I just know and the kids that I said, they're like, what's one child listen to today? They're a ping pong ball. I think like disagree and come in. Right. You know, um, does this in any capacity when we're talking about, you know, parenting and being on the same page or any of that, you talk about being long term greedy. Yeah. And I am so fascinated and need you to explain this. I'm like, what does that mean? Yeah, where I think about how many years our kids are young and in our home and then how many years our kids are going to be older and out of our home. And those are the same differences in years where our kids are either locked into a relationship with us when they live with us. And then after they're out of our house, they get to choose the type of relationship they have with us. And also, the stakes only get higher in life. Don't get me wrong. Like dealing with the sandbox drama is so stressful. But if my kid doesn't know how to play well with others when they're

28:10in a job or when they're 45, I think the stakes are higher. And so I think we generally have kind of two options in all of these different hard moments with our kid. I mean, they're intervening for comfort and happiness today. But in doing that, I'm probably not helping my kid develop the skills they will need long term. Or to be honest, because it's not, you know, all fun and games, I am enduring some amount of short term inconvenience and pain today because I know this ladders up to something important. So here's an great example. We're kind of getting close to back to school. My kid or I get the school list and I find out, oh my goodness, my daughter isn't with her four best friends in class since school hasn't started yet. And I'm thinking, do I call the school? When my kid gets a little anxious and she's going to be so upset, if I'm short term focused, meaning I'm trying to optimize for my kid's short term comfort and happiness, I'm going to call the school. Long term, what gets wired in their body, right? Because the kids early years with us

29:16forms their default settings for what to expect later on is I don't know. I'm sure there's going to be a day in college where she sees her friends have a dorm room without her. And I don't know, do I want my kid to call me? Maybe like, well, you call the dorm or do I want my kid to know by that point? This sucks. But I already have had life experience to see I can survive it and cope with it. And so when I think about long term greediness, I think about, and by the way, we don't do this 100% of the time. There's some percentage of me too. I'm like, here's the lollipop. Here's the, we have to or human. But if I have a general long term greedy perspective, I understand how my interactions with my kid today are going to have a pretty big impact on their coping, their sense of capability and their resilience versus fragility later on. I mean, that is so fascinating. And I also think it takes such perspective. And I can imagine it is like you said, very difficult sometimes for a parent to have the wherewithal to be like, I'm literally sitting

30:20in a second grade class right now. And we're dealing with this. And so if you can have that foresight to be like, this is temporarily uncomfortable for them. And they will be so much better off for it. And the temper tantrum or when they tell me they hate me today, they're actually going to be like, thank God my parents made me walk in and have that conversation alone with my teacher instead of doing it for me. Because now when I'm going into this job interview, I'm like, mom, if you're watching this, my mom did that to me all the time. It was always like, no, you have to go speak to the coach. You have to go. And I was like, why can't you do it like every other parent? Does it? Where they all go talk to them for them. And she's like, one day you'll thank me, Alex. And I was like, I'm never going to thank you. I'm never going to talk to you after I turn 18. I mean, while I was like, things mom, because and I think an answer to that, if I'm thinking about your mom is because I'm so invested in you discovering your own capability. And I will not steal that from you. Just so you smile and are happy with me right now. Can we talk about confidence? Yes. Can you explain just from everything you've seen, how can parents instill confidence in their kids? And also that sounds so simple. But like, what is

31:26the actual importance of that? So I'm curious if you're willing. Like what? Just to get into it. Does a situation come to mind that you're like, that was a confidence building experience for me. I don't know if this is weird, but like, oddly enough, I think most of it was the resilience. My parents forced me to learn in moments, like kind of similar to what I'm saying, what I was just saying about having to do things on my own. I think my parents were very focused on making sure that I had a sense of self and a sense of independence. And even though things were scary, unencumptible, I never actually felt scared. Like my parents were always there. Yeah. But they were never doing things for me. And I think the more and more I learned, like, oh my god, I would run back to them after I had the really uncomfortable conversation with the soccer coach when I was 12. And I'm like, oh my god, no other kid my age was having to do it. And my mom made me have my one-on-one. And I was so nervous. But when I every time I came out of those moments and I got in the car with her,

32:32I would gush to her about like, and then I said this and I remembered how you told me to say this, the confidence that was built was like, I trusted myself. And the trust that I built within myself started to then like, I felt like I had the answers sometimes before I had to go to my mom or my dad. And that built and built and built. And I think that just made me feel so supported. Yes. But also I was my own person. I mean, you're saying so many words that are you stole my words before. So I think first of all, there's the difference we'll get to this between support and solutions. Those are very different things. Right. You knew you could always go back to your parents, but they didn't solve the situation for you. So I think we've even fed this idea that confidence means feeling good about yourself. But I believe confidence is self-trust, which is a very different game. Because if you're optimizing for feeling good about yourself, from optimizing for my kid feeling good, optimizing toward comfort, fine, I'll do that thing for you.

33:35Or even when my kid says, let's take, you know, I'm the only one in my class who can't reach after books, mom. If I think building confidence is about feeling good, I'll say, but you're the only one in your class who can play chess. Think about that because I'm trying to help my kid feel good. If confidence is self-trust, and my kid says I'm the only one in my class who can't reach after books yet, for some, I'm not going to say you're right, you're a horrible reader. No. But for some, I'll probably just say something simple like, for some, so glad you're telling me that. I believe you. What happened when they handed out the books today? Because my kid is bringing to me this experience. I'm upset in this way. And if I over and over say to my kid, essentially, that's not true, then my kid learns, and this has such long implications, I think about college, girls, say, other people have a better sense of my internal reality than I do. And I shouldn't

34:37be shocked. I mean this. That when that, let's say a young woman is at a bar, and someone's like, hey, come home with me. She's like, I don't know. It's a little early. Oh, don't make such a big deal out of it. You're making, and then if her internal circuit is, I do have a habit of over reacting to things. Other people outside my body have a better sense of how I'm feeling than I do. It becomes sad, but explainable because she's learned to distrust herself. That is so. Whoa. Because even when you're saying that too, I also think what comes to mind is, it's again, it's easy quick gratification for the child to feel, I'm immediately going to make you feel safe, but I could also maybe see then the child then starts to be like, I'm not going to probably bring this up because I think every time I bring up something to my parents about how like, I was not doing, I was falling behind in class, I feel insecure. Maybe there's more secrecy,

35:40and you're hiding things because you are kind of embarrassed. We're like every time I try to tell them, they kind of either downplay it or they tell me it's not real. And so like, why would I share with them instead of holding the space for them, not solving it, but holding the space for them like, oh my gosh, tell me about how that you made you feel in that moment. Exactly. I mean, I have this concept of the feelings, Ben, I love anything with the visual. So if you think about a kid of any age or an adult, go into their partner, and they're kind of wandering around this garden that has a lot of benches. Okay. And maybe your kid is on the bench of, I'm the only one in my class who can't reach out to books, but really they're on the bench of, I feel less than other people, right? Or I'm looking around and people have things I don't have. They're going to be on that bench for the rest of their lives. Okay. And you're right. We often have two instincts as parents, that either try to convince them to go to a sunny or bench, like, wait, that's good. Or some ways I say your bench isn't your bench. Like, that's not true. And if I think about the parent who it's so hard and simple, just kind of sits on the bench, they're like, oh, tell me

36:45more about that. That happened. I'm building my kid's confidence because what I'm saying is even the version of you, when I cry, who is the slowest reader. I like that girl. I'm willing to sit with her. I'm not going to run away from her. I don't need her to just be the star chess player. And you're right. Like, when kids are young, they're kind of learning, what's the range of experiences I can bring to my parent? Who can I be? What's attachable? Right? And yeah, confidence actually comes from not feeling like the best at everything it feels. It's feeling like it's okay to be you when you're not the best at something. Right. And you have a safe home where that yucky feeling that you felt at school of being embarrassed, you can then go home. And you can share it with your parents. And they're going to hold it with you and be like, gosh, I can imagine how that made you feel. I'm like, let's talk about it. I also can imagine similar to what you just referenced with that bar example. This is very probably important if you are raising young

37:46girls in today's day and age or literally whenever you've been raising young girls because so many of us are kind of socialized to doubt ourselves and to be like, you're being over dramatic. And oh, you're just being sensitive. And you're being this and that, if your daughter came to you about a situation that made her feel uncomfortable, how would you respond? And what is your advice to mothers and parents and everyone that's doing this? So number one, we want to believe our kids internal experiences. I think the reason that gets tricky is that isn't a perfect one to one with exactly what I will or will not encourage her to do after. So for example, let's just say it's a little bit more of a vanilla situation, mom. You know, I want to go back to soccer. I'm not starting anymore. It's so embarrassing when I'm at practice and then they say, starters on the field and like, I'm not doing it. First of all, I want to believe her. And again, the first line, it is such a helpful

38:48line, whether you have kids or not, when someone tells you they're upset. Just to make the first thing you say back, I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. And stop talking. So glad you're talking to me about this. Tell me what happened at practice. Well, they said, the starters. And I started to move on to the field. I'm like, oh, no, not me anymore. And I felt like everyone was looking at me and can't believe I lost my starting spot. I don't know what I mean. Say that. That sounds like that sucks. And then I think what matters, at least I'm going to say in my house what I encourage parents is. So I'm not going to practice tomorrow. I feel like we've started to focus a little too much on the I believe you part. And not enough, which is also a part of confidence on the I believe in you part. And this is what it sounds like really happened in your family, which is so beautiful, which is the both. I believe you that soccer practice kind of sucks compared to what it used to be. I also want to let you know that you are a kid who can go even when you're not a starter. And you're going to get through a practice that feels awful. And I'm going to be there in the car waiting to give you a

39:50big hug. Or if you don't want a hug and you just want to yell at me the whole way home, I'll take that too either way, but it's going to happen. But it's it's going to happen. You're still going to go because if I think about the long-term greed focus, I want my kid to be able to regulate when they're older. And you can't manage a feeling you believe you're not supposed to have. You can't. You have to try to get it out of your body and it comes out of your body as bad behavior. So I want my kid to be able to say when they get, you know, when they don't get the promotion, this sucks. I thought I was going to get a promotion, this cycle. I believe myself. This stinks. And I'm going to work tomorrow. I am. I'm still going to go. I'm going to talk to my boss. What did I miss? Let's go over my review. I want both for my kids. I am like ingraining that in my head of. I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. Because I'm like, Mom, why did I always feel so confident to come to you and dad about things that I'm like, some of my friends are like, I would have never told my parents that. And that is like because I felt such an open space. And I know I was really, really fortunate to have that.

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45:59Boundaries are something you tell your kid you will do and they require your kid to do nothing. And I love that definition because every time I say something when I think I'm setting a boundary I can just assess like do I have two check marks. Did I tell my kid something I will do and does this thing require my kid to do zero. Which is why like if my kid's jumping um actually a better example because this my third kid has 0% people pleasing in him. Zero for him. I love that. Yes. Okay and so my first kid I live in New York City right we're in elevator building so if I said hey when we get into the elevator sweetie don't press all the buttons my first kid would say you're right that would be disrespectful like he was just a different kid. If I said that to my third kid like that he'd say okay and by the way it would now be so much more fun to press every single one. The scene in elf right. He does it all. He does it all. All of them so bright and so this is a

47:00situation where I think parents would say you have a kid who doesn't respect your boundaries and then we get into really common patterns. I start if you do it no dessert tonight right and then I give him sorbet for dessert because fruit isn't dessert and I undermine my authority like these awful things and up yelling. Okay if I say to him don't press the elevator buttons am I telling him what I'm going to do. No does the success require him to do nothing. No it actually requires him to have a lot of self-control that is not a boundary that's a request all the time as parents we think we're setting boundaries when we're actually making requests and requests are more frequent and it's often we start with a request but if our kid is showing us they can't follow it or if just it's more of a safety issue or my kid is out of control I have to set a boundary so with my kid I could set this boundary in two ways. Sweetie when we go into the elevator I'm going to stand between you and the buttons and even if you run toward the buttons I will block you. That's what I would say to him and and then my third kid has nincham nincham moves like he and I'm Alex like I'm ready if you think

48:06I'm getting in the elevator holding two bags no no no no no I am like gonna put my bag down and I am ready and then I'm just gonna go like this or I could set a boundary because sometimes those words will escalate and non people please they're like oh game on game on and I might just step in between him and the buttons saying nothing get ready for the lunge and say my kid's jumping on the couch and let's say they're jumping I don't know right near a glass table like I wouldn't even care if my kid jumped on the couch but I don't want my kid to get hurt it is not a boundary to say get off the couch that's a request I'm not telling my kid what I will do and it requires my kid to do something and then again like well if you don't get if you don't stop I'm gonna count to five and you know a boundary is saying look sweetie you could say this kindly it's kind and firm at the same time it looks like it's hard for you to stop jumping on the couch I'm gonna walk over there and if by the time I get there you're not off the couch I will pick you up and I will put you on the floor and this matters it's my number one job to keep you safe that goes back to the job of boundaries

49:10it's such a powerful thing as a parent to hear yourself say that and for your kid over and over because it reminds you it's like it's not to keep you happy my number one job is to keep you safe so I'm gonna put you on the ground and you can jump on the floor and then if that's my house my kid won't look at me when I say that and just say okay no depending on who my kid is in their temperament they might keep jumping I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna say I'm picking you up now no hey five let's count to five no I'm picking you up now and my kid will melt down when they're young because that's what kids do none of us like to want to do something and have someone stop us it's just not a fun experience but this is where the jobs make so much sense if I'm like an A plus student I can do both jobs at once I set the boundary my kid gets upset and I'm just gonna say something simple it's more fun to jump on the couch but that doesn't mean I'm letting my kid back on the couch okay the request I get it now because you're like the request is like you're just asking them to not do something or to do something or whatever the boundary is if this happens

50:16I'm doing this yes it's a boundary is an assertion Alex of your power this is why it's especially important for women this matters just as much in the workplace we give our power away all the time by making certain things dependent on other people behaving in a certain way versus defining what we need to do to feel good enough boundaries are very hard to set I think for us as even individuals yes I think especially as women um again over dramatic people pushing your boundaries you being in work settings and learning I had a boundary and then this person crossed it and I still have to dendur this this is uncomfortable it's a lot easier said than done yeah and I'm curious if you ever obviously you're a person who's good at setting boundaries now but were you ever prone to people pleasing in your life and how did you find this beautiful balance that you're now in well first of all the beautiful balance I talk about is not the beautiful balance I live in my house like Dr.

51:20Becky and Becky are you know I always say it's true my kids don't have Dr. Becky as a mom and I wouldn't wish that on them they have Becky like sometimes my husband actually says you know I was about to tag your personal account in your latest real because I feel like you could benefit from such advice you know like no shade there is like whoa but it's true you know and so there's no perfect balance right but I I love this question because I was very much a good girl and I think that that is one of the things that is shaped so much of how I think about especially women and parenting and I you know just oh she's such a good girl she's so easy I never have to think about that one I never have to worry about that one and I think all that means good girl is this is someone who has learned to gaze out and notice everyone's needs and take care of them at the exclusion of gazing in and wondering what their own needs are and then it gets even more extreme because then your own

52:24needs become a threat to this job you've perfected which is taking care of everyone else's wants and needs your own needs are very inconvenient if you're trying to just play K everyone around you and one of the reasons I think we have a trouble setting boundaries is logically we say I know my kid doesn't have to be happy with me but logic doesn't dictate our kind of relationship decisions our old circuits do and if when you try to set a boundary around dessert your kids having a tantrum which is kind of their way of saying I'm upset with you your body essentially activates what do I know about someone I love being upset with me what is my job in that situation what have I gotten really good at doing what is my role and if you were really good as a kid at keeping the piece first of all there's nothing to be ashamed of it's probably something very crafty you've figured out how to do you're gonna have a hard time holding that boundary because your body knows how to just make the other person happy to the kind of detriment of what you might need and I think

53:29it's so applicable for women like you're talking about like we have been conditioned this way that it's awkward and can be uncomfortable to set a boundary so then you just kind of appease the people around you and you just forego what you genuinely want in the dynamic and you don't use your voice and so I can imagine then getting into parenting it may be hard for women to actually use their own voice it's almost like for the first time in their life to have authority in some capacity because we've never almost had it yes and I you know I listened to your episode the other day about kind of effortlessness you know and why is it so cool to like pretend like we don't care and it just happens that's right and you know I I have to try very hard to do all the things I talk about except boundaries to stay connected to my kid without them overpowering me because my initial wiring definitely was being a good girl I think one of my first times

54:30where that came into major conflict was probably my anorexia before I went to college I mean I think anorexia at the end of the day is a struggle with desire what am I allowed to want and want and desire if they feel so scary well anorexia is a way of saying like I want nothing not even my basic needs I want for nothing I can become very very tiny right and that was you know I'd kind of therapy all the things around that but I think through that process I started what I would call kind of a gazing in like can I develop a relationship with my own wants and needs can I be a little bit more like I think about this idea of going from a good girl to an inconvenient woman and it's not like I tried it inconvenience people but if you know what you want and at least some of the time you make decisions around that people are going to be inconvenienced not everyone's I think we have this fantasy like I'm going to tell my husband I want to sleep in

55:32because I usually wake up and my husband's going to say Becky I'm so happy you ask me nothing would make me happier than waking up at 545 with our two toddlers because you do it most of the time no most husbands nice husband there are initial reactions like oh and if I can't tolerate that sigh and no you know what me getting what I want does inconvenience my husband okay like that's just part of being in a relationship with each other and I think my own journey has been yeah those little experiments bracing myself the panic around it the calling my friends the getting support and it's still journey it is and thank you for sharing that because I also think so many women I've talked to that have experienced anything when it comes to you know struggling with eating and body and then when we transition into motherhood it's like you're we have so little control over our lives and what's happening and we have people pleasing and then there's no boundaries

56:33and then they keep getting pushed and so we're constantly just a victim of our circumstances then then we find one thing that we can internally control with our body but really we are hurting ourselves and so to then get to that point in your life where you were like I started to look in word of like how am I going to basically adjust the way that my relationship is to myself yeah it's really powerful to get to that point because then you are giving yourself more autonomy it's not easy yeah but I think that kind of also leads me to think about the perfect parent I feel like this is something a lot of women I'm sure struggle with of and I feel like it's such a huge pressure now and I don't know if that you feel like there's an uptick but I feel like everyone's always talking about like the perfect parent to be the perfect parent like why do you think there's such an all-time high right now around that conversation well if I I mean I think I guess there's two perfect parents there's what happens in your home and then how it looks to everyone else I don't know if there's

57:36an uptick and how it's perceived by everyone else there's just an uptick in this world of showing our lives to others and other people deciding whether we're good enough you know so that's probably been this externally oriented world we're kind of a part of right um I guess you know I tell parents all the time first all there's no perfect parent but it wouldn't even be good for your kid anyway that's the irony that model of a relationship you form with your kid is the foundation they take into adulthood like I happen to think attraction is just an activation of your earliest attachment system it's what feels like home and so do I want to set my kids up to only feel naturally attracted to people who always get it right are perfectly attuned to their feelings say the right thing are never distracted that's not that's not real it isn't real and I also love how you say like it's not realistic but I do think it kind of can bring us into the attachment style conversation

58:40and so obviously um attachment theory which is based on the assumption of that our experiences as children inform who we are as adults yes and the type of partners we attract the type of relationships that we seek um our behaviors but then all of a sudden we all become adults right so we're like okay I'm anxious attached or I'm avoidin attached I'm fearful attached I'm secure attached great then you become a parent and I think that for everyone listening today I'm wondering how does your attachment style as an adult how can that impact your child because now we're just we're keeping that generational cycle going and and can you talk a little bit more about that yeah I mean your attachment style right is how you've learned to define closeness what you expect from other people what parts of you are allowed in relationships what parts of you you've learned to kind of keep out of it and usually without various intervention that transfers generation

59:44generation not not because that's anyone's fault it's just what feels natural and our our body is generally drawn to what feels familiar versus what's good for us so if someone sitting here like Dr. Becky yeah I am a full anxious attached person and I am about to welcome a child into this world how is that going to impact that person's parenting style so first of all I'd say amazing that you're thinking about this yeah ahead of the game you know yeah we can't I don't think insight alone brings change but we certainly can't change we don't understand so you've done a huge step one amazing and then I dig in I'm not one for labels if we stop there I feel like what would you mean okay so you're anxiously attached does that mean it's hard for you to have a little separation from your partner when there's distance you tend to interpret that as rejection you know are you a little bit oriented toward seeing someone's separation as a abandonment instead of just separation and okay same talk oh yes yes yes okay so here's what I probably know about

1:00:49that person oh I wonder what's gonna happen you know when your kids even start walking it seems like such a great developmental milestone and it is but it's really a sign that your kid is already ready to kind of separate from you you know what's it gonna be like for you you know when your kids really upset with you does upset feel like abandonment and threat so let's get ready for some of those situations they're throwing the toys on the floor begging for the thing at the you know at the store with you and and then we can talk about okay well how do you want to respond it's so that old stuff is still gonna feel natural I think that's what really matters and I think that's what really resonated about that podcast you did about the cool girl where the only thing that comes naturally in parenting is how you were parented and so if you want to do things differently yeah you need a system you need people to help you you need to pull it you're gonna have a lot of uncomfortable moments and yeah I know I love that because I think a lot of people understandably

1:01:51we are so we recognize we all have baggage we all have things from our past that we are innately going to just yes potentially give our kids project on to our kids be super hyper vigilant to not do it to our kids and so everyone is coming from their own perspective of oh my god I either want to replicate my childhood for my child or I want to make sure I change all these things and be having those feelings it's a lot and it's a lot of pressure to put on yourself when you have this past that you're recognizing can impact your child's future and I think it's hard to sometimes overcome that pressure we put on ourselves I guess yeah and look like you said we all have our past and so we're all gonna have trigger moments our kids trigger us I think we all think they're gonna heal us they trigger us they bring up all the stuff that wasn't really healed from our past and if you know that going in you can look at these moments like wow

1:02:53it had a pretty intense reaction to that I don't even remember saying this to my kid it just kind of flew out of my mouth I think those are the situations often we want to put away like I want to look at that but if you're willing to look at that those become amazing teachers to you it's so true because I feel like an example is someone I know their kid didn't make the varsity team mom was really upset mom was really upset because this was bringing up something for her she didn't make the varsity team and she was hoping her daughter could make the varsity team and so she's triggered about not feeling good enough meanwhile I don't even know if the kid cared that much like oh all my friends are actually on the other team which is what it's perfect I didn't even want to make varsity but the mom was so upset how can we essentially avoid projecting our own emotions and our own triggers onto our kids so I think there's two parts of that question can we do anything to get ahead of it and then when it inevitably happens what do we do next because again we're not going to be perfect at it right so the there is no superpower that is as important in parenting as

1:03:59knowing yourself right I know I had socially hard moments in middle school and high school as my kids have gotten older in middle school and high school oh my goodness have those come alive right do I really want to talk to my kid about the situation I know from the other mom's my kid wasn't invited and just to ask yourself is this a me feeling or is this a my kid feeling right and to try to pause maybe I don't need to go and say oh you weren't invited to that party how do you feel that might be a me thing that might be a me thing it probably is a me thing right and so that's one question is this what is coming up for me is a superpower question as a parent what is coming up for me about this you know and then the second part is there's nothing that matters as much as repair with your kid and repairing is taking accountability for something saying you want to try something again right instead be able to say hey I had a big reaction when you told me this thing to be honest a lot of that had to do with me I'm sorry what I wanted to say was

1:05:05this that's so powerful because you're going to make mistakes that allows you to repair and it models for your kid how to take accountability in their other relationships that's also I remember in doing all the research for attachment theories so much of it is anyone who has secure attachment really it was mostly built in the repair phase which you're discussing which is like knowing that it's symbolizing you are in a safe secure environment because your parent although they may have last out and they may have raised their voice or they may have messed up coming back around and recognizing it with the child and taking ownership and accountability and sharing with them like hey I'm really sorry that I did that it shows them like oh the world is not scary and I'm not in an unstable situation and my parents even can mess up but this is how they operate and this is how they handle it when they do make mistakes wow that's a really good leader yeah and I think

1:06:05you know I was lucky enough to be asked by Ted to give a talk and they're like I know you talk about all these things what do you want to talk about and repair was the topic because I think the other thing to understand about it especially with kids and I hope anyone listening who doesn't even have kids it gives us a lot of insight into our self-talk is what happens for a kid when they're screamed up by their parent and they don't have a repair right and again that happens everywhere I scream at my kids too okay so I scream at my kid oh you're so ungrateful you're so spoiled whatever we're now probably separate maybe my son is in his room and if I don't repair a kid is in the room feeling very confused because the person they need for safety is now the person who felt scary and that's just a disorganized thing like disorganized attachment is actually those two things being kind of fused together that the person who scares me is the person I go to for comfort that's a lot and so what does my kid need to do to get back to baseline if I don't repair they generally do two things they self blame this is all my fault I'm a bad kid because there's

1:07:10this quote I always love from grad school which is fairburn who said I don't know if you've heard it for attachment your attachment stuff which is for a kid it's better to be in it's better to be a sinner in a world ruled by God than to live in a world ruled by the devil which means taking the badness in is safer than believing the world is bad especially when it comes to your parents that is your world so if it's my parents are bad or on bad you better bet and that actually gives them a sense of control and if I think about all the women especially no matter what happens in their life when it's bad you know what they still do it's so old it's it's actually a lot of unrepaird moments or we do the other thing which is self-doubt a kid in their room has said you know what maybe that didn't happen maybe that didn't actually happen maybe you know and I think about how many women in my practice would be in these dating situations and something not going well I'm gonna call five friends and see if they thought it was a big deal do they think it's a big deal it's kind of saying I don't trust my own assessment and that starts so early so yes you don't have

1:08:15to be perfect don't be perfect but repair whenever you can such good advice I also was thinking back to the perfect parent and all these things that we're talking about recognizing that there are so many women who may be on the journey that they're really fighting to become a parent yeah and they're really like oh my god doctor Becky I have been on the hardest emotional journey to just simply even get to where you guys are talking about and I pray to god that I one day can have a baby through your practice do you mind just sharing a little bit about what you have learned about women's struggles with fertility in general yes and I mean I I did IVF for all my children too so first of all I'd say from life experience like yeah I've been there in it it stinks it's so hard I think it's one of the first times we feel like a failure as a mom before we're a mom I can't even do this thing that my body is supposed to be able to do like I'm already failing and I think

1:09:17you know one of the things I thought a lot about maybe when I could talk offline is so many of the things that are our superpower coming into motherhood become our Achilles heel so if I go to fertility for me I have been someone who makes things happen like I know effort doesn't always lead to outcome but I feel like I have found a way for effort to lead to outcome because I just more more more and I like to I like to move and I like to make decisions and I like my studying to lead to good grades and you know and I then I try to get pregnant and I think for me I would have benefited from someone saying Becky you know how you've been pretty successful at like effort effort effort and then having pretty good outcomes yeah that's gonna end up making motherhood really hard for you and I'd be like what they're like that's gonna really work against you because from getting pregnant to maintaining the pregnancy to whether or not your kid is an early walker or late walker

1:10:22effort doesn't lead to output and that might be harder for you than some of your friends who would say like you know yeah I've kind of been like a bee student like it's fine I'm not like they are better prepared to handle those things well and so again I think it's where knowing yourself really helps you digest your own fertility journey or early parts or any part of parenting I mean I can imagine the every woman I think no matter which way you go about it in in trying to get pregnant and I talked about this a little bit on the episode where I announced my pregnancy like so yes it brought up so much of like the failure and the competitor and me from being an athlete and you're like why is we why didn't it work why isn't it working and you're and you only have yourself to blame yeah which you should not be blaming yourself but of course we're gonna blame ourselves because who else can we blame and again with women like you just said we it's too scary of a world where we're so conditioned like just blame yourself because it's the easiest and

1:11:25it's the most ingrained in us yeah can I say something on that you know my I had this situation with my oldest he was a lot younger and it's become just such a helpful framework for me so we were backing out a car from a garage and my husband was driving and my son had the door the passenger door like open in the back seat but my husband didn't know it was open when he was backing out the car and so he backs out obviously the door hit the side it's you know yeah the whole thing and he said why didn't you why didn't you close the door and my son said it was high six at the time I didn't know you're about to back out it's not my fault and my husband goes so it's my fault and my son says you know dad sometimes bad things happen and it's nobody's fault at my heart races as I say this we're obsessed with fault like when you're not getting pregnant it's probably nobody's fault I mean by the way look into it like is it what's going on but you know when your kid you know isn't talking yet like it's probably not your fault

1:12:29like I'm not saying enough words and it's probably not your kid's fault it's probably just hard you know it's life it's circumstances that I think yes like sometimes things are hard and fault just isn't a helpful framework um that's really helpful because I think it then can help release the shame and the guilt that I feel like so many women probably feel who are listening right now being like I get it's not my fault but like do you have any advice for any woman who's sitting here being like but Becky I am so exhausted like I've been doing IVF things aren't working like is there any advice you have that kept you going or that you can share to just help women just feel keep going in your resilience look I think what's so hard is if if becoming a mother is like such an important focus for you right I think advice of oh just put that to the side and work out more or have lunch with your girlfriends like I hear friends of mine saying oh my girlfriend's you're getting pregnant I freaking hate them I don't want to be around them I'm not even happy for them right and so when any one thing in your life becomes so important it's really hard

1:13:36when that thing isn't happening anywhere near the timeline so number one I would just give yourself massive permission like this is really hard it makes sense it feel that way it feels that way this stinks and then yeah at some point we want to find an ant like are there other things that give me joy not 10 out of 10 joy the way they used to but two out of 10 right and just fighting for those things I think really really matters I know plenty of people on a fertility journey who said what would it be like to get myself a couple month break you know and you know I don't want to say it's magic I want to be able to say and then they randomly got pregnant naturally because they weren't stressed like okay that there's some stories but um and I think also know you've talked about this noticing when a timeline drives us more crazy than it's helpful again I don't think there's any simple answers but just okay like this timeline maybe it was never true maybe I am going to be pregnant after my friends or maybe my journey maybe there's a I don't know other

1:14:39options for having children but widening the aperture a little it's great advice because I agree there's so much comparison that understandably we can't help but do and especially when you want something in life and you are someone who's a go-getter you're like why is everyone else getting it not me and I totally understand that um but I agree with you you have to just keep finding the good in life and things will work out things will work out as they're supposed to you will find whether it's a different path or the path works like it's it's going to work out you have to believe that for yourself I also think something I talked about recently was then to the new moms who are like oh my gosh it worked I got pregnant I'm having this baby um um am I allowed to complain for a second and I think there's a lot of shame around not feeling like this is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I am a new woman and I love this and this life is great and it's like and the

1:15:43changing thing looks perfect and everything's organized and like whenever you see these videos there's not a thing on the ground there's not a toy at a place and so you start to be like oh my god is it me is there something wrong with me and so I want to kind of go through some thoughts maybe that women have and if you could just give any advice to that person that's having that thought great one woman may be thinking why am I so bored I thought this was supposed to be the most magical time of my life because having a baby is full of the same thing over and over and in his monotonous and it is pretty boring so you probably feel bored because it's boring and going back to knowing yourself as just talking to a good friend about this if you're someone before having a baby who's loved spontaneity and novelty you're the friend who brings good vibes to the party you're the friend who says let's go this for the weekend you're gonna find it especially boring and so I think there's a two things are true here I'm allowed to find this boring and this season is not a barometer for the whole relationship I'm gonna have with my kid love it and also again everyone

1:16:45online calm down there's nuance you're so grateful and happy and you love this child but you can have these feelings yes um okay someone thinks I thought I was supposed to have a maternal instinct but I have no idea what I'm doing instinct is what you've learned up to that point full stop that's what instinct is so like the idea that what we've learned until that point is going to help us in the hardest most complicated job in the world especially in 2026 when all the things that help our kids are being slow quiet available all the thing in 2026 is fast more stimulation distraction and so the idea that that's gonna come naturally you know probably I think what's instinctual for a lot of people is I love my kid but knowing how to handle them freaking out during tummy time or their first meltdown or the hitting on the at the sandbox that's not most

1:17:47people say yeah if I did what's instinctual it just scream at my child so right oh that's helpful to hear because I I have said that to some friends I'm like I didn't learn this and again I I meant I like to be an over-achiever I'm like I'm gonna try to read I'm gonna try to do the research but like no one taught us it's honestly similar to taxes in in college I'm like why did I pay all this and then I got out and I was like dad how do I do my freaking taxes I got all this education for what the things that I actually need to know I have no idea what I'm doing it's the same thing with motherhood where I'm like I get everyone's talking about this maternal instinct I'm gonna lean in but like I don't know when people are like oh you need the changing table and then you also need they need enough tummy time and I'm like why do they need tummy time then like oh because the head and the thing and you're like where did you learn this seriously I think you're right that especially you know we've put in a lot more time and energy and probably money all of it to learning things that are far less important than in our life than our day to day interactions with

1:18:47our kids so just to be able to say some of this will come naturally and someone like anything else in life that that's it and if it doesn't you can learn and get support I appreciate you normalizing not having to know everything because that to every oh expecting mother or current mother or future mother is like thank you doctor Becky because I've been even having that I'm like when people are referencing certain thing a breastfeeding in this I'm literally sorry holding slow down what what do I have to do and I'm like I know I will learn as I go just like I've done everything in life no one handed me a manual but it does with motherhood feel a little bit like when you're looking online you're like wait a second how does everyone know this yeah and then you just figure it out yeah okay next one um someone's thinking this baby stole my body I think this is so complicated you've been in your own body on your own for however many decades right and then you're growing a human for nine months and then I think all the movies they don't show that

1:19:51after you burst this human like your body is different for a while and I think and this is so helpful for you know most moms first 24 hours 48 hours first seven days the majority of their thoughts after having a baby are about themselves because if you ever had major surgery forget having a baby any major surgery which essentially is the same as having a baby cesarean vaginal whatever think about what someone would ask you okay well what have you set up for yourself who's taking care of you what supplies do you have for your body do you know what your body is gonna kind of feel and what it's gonna look like this is what anyone would do except when you have a baby nobody does it and then you think yourself fish and it makes perfect sense so true it's like no no most people are like rest take care of yourself don't get up we'll get that for you then you have a baby and everyone's like hold on a second like be be the great mom what are you doing my goodness like your vagina is ripped in half like I'm sorry your vagina's ripped in half right or your ab you

1:20:55would add a lot of the whole surgery in half seven layers deep and then you're like why don't I have this rush of bonding because you're in survival mode right well you're of course not that's gonna come after that's so important I think to just acknowledge and I think there's a lot of women who don't say it because it feels insane that even to just hear that right after you're gonna be thinking about yourself because that is survival mode of I'm trying to keep myself live yes so I can also be alive for this baby but I've got to take care of me it's we're back to the playing doctor back when they say put the oxygen on first before you take care of the child yes you have to be whole and good yes and let's stay with that that the pilot because there's a million pilot metaphors that makes it is pilots board the plane before passengers do they have a little time for themselves and think about a pilot if you're on a plane and you hear a pilot say I love my passengers so much I've been flying for three weeks straight with no rest three weeks straight with no rest because I love you so much and I don't even want get me get

1:21:58me off that plane no I'd be like you need to go for an app immediately now and actually there's law right that pilots after a certain number of hours have to go off the plane and take care of themselves because we know their job of taking care of others depends on that so as a new parent as a parent of older kids whatever it is we've created this false binary that I'm taking care of my kids or taking care of myself you would never want to be on a plane with a pilot who wasn't taking care of themselves oh we're loving this oh the lady needed to hear this one today okay I don't trust myself I feel anxious every time I'm alone with my baby you know what I'd start with it sounds like if I go back to confidence is self-trust well it sounds like you actually do trust something you're noticing you're very anxious when you're alone with your baby we're just going to start there you do trust that experience tell me more about it tell me what is that like oh well I'm always worried I'm gonna you know drop my baby and honestly kind of obsessive compulsive thoughts after you

1:23:04have a baby are one of the most common forms of anxiety and it sounds really scary it's like I don't want to what if I drop my baby when I go down the stairs who thinks that oh my goodness who thinks that and then what you do is you get an avoidance cycle you ask your mom who's in can you can you take the baby down the stairs right and then you tell yourself I don't trust myself because in some ways it's been hard to separate that's a thought in fact the thought gives me pain because I don't want to do it right and so look this is such a good reason to make sure someone said what I do for all my friends when they're pregnant as I give them a name of a good postpartum therapist needed or not and if they have a partner I give it to the partner but also just knowing these thoughts are normal yeah you're adjusting to something totally new I'm taking care of another human who's a you know just completely dependent on me and I also love how you're saying like again thoughts are not facts saying things out loud though or so helpful because then like you

1:24:05just said oh I'm so oh oh it seems like you're anxious why like a lot of times the fear I'm sure it can be unlocked by talk to me about what's going on that's right whether it's your partner to your mom to your someone who's helping you anyone who's around they're gonna by you just expressing what this fear is that's being in this intrusive thought yeah all of a sudden there's probably going to be an helpful solution around the corner but we need to be able to feel comfortable off to actually vocalize what we're feeling instead of feeling ashamed to be like I don't want to say this out loud because it sounds actually crazy yeah and and I think you're right you're taking it from something so global and you're just trying to find the specific nuggets again so glad you told me that well when do you feel like that tell me more and then we can get into something more specific to intervene to great point okay someone says I was happier at work and I'm secretly really excited to go back is there something wrong with me my bad mom so you're not a bad mom many moms feel like this and I think this is also probably Alex helpful for you to reflect on if you think about let's say zero to

1:25:0710 with 10 being the highest how stimulating your life is before you have a baby everyone should know their number before they go in and everyone has a number that they kind of like like some people like a 10 out of 10 stimulating they like they like the work and they love the conversations and they love hard projects and they kind of like to travel they like complex things they like moving a lot being with a baby is very low stem very low stem the best your day gets is your apartment looks kind of as good as it did in the start you're probably not leaving your house it's really hard to leave your house you're like all I did was what I guess I fed I washed some things like how is it 6 p.m. and so your body is really adjusting and if especially your work is a pretty stimulating environment there's an understandable crash your body has totally separate from how much you love your baby totally separate things call her daddy is brought to you by Airbnb daddy gang the bump

1:26:16I'm kind of hiding it right now but the bump has it's been bumping recently okay I swear every day we're just getting a little bit bigger and this whole thing it just keeps starting to feel more and more real and so I really wanted Matt and I to have just a little time together before our life completely changes in the biggest way and so we planned a baby moon and booked the most gorgeous beach house on Airbnb it really was exactly what we needed we had some slow mornings with coffee on the porch and just we were reading I was like who are we we're reading outside we were cooking dinner together at night obviously Henry and Bruce were in heaven just like running around on the beach and that is what I love about booking a home on Airbnb you get the privacy and the space to actually just settle in and the place that you're saying can feel like part of the trip instead of just somewhere that you have to sleep and September is such a good time to do it the summer crowds actually finally start dying down the weather is still amazing and it's perfect excuse

1:27:20to just squeeze in one little getaway okay so whether it's a girls trip a romantic weekend or a family vacation Airbnb makes it easy to find a place where everyone can actually be together and now you can even order groceries for your trip through Airbnb so they're ready for you right when you arrive because the last thing I personally want to do after a long day of traveling is immediately go find a grocery store I'm always looking for little ways to make traveling feel easier and Airbnb has become one of those things I come back to every time I plan a trip call her daddy is brought to you by Shopify you know sometimes we're a little skeptical about the internet with some things but I will say daddy gang the internet has truly made starting a business so much easier and no matter what stage you're at Shopify is the best place to start and grow a business so with Shopify you can get your own storefront while still being discovered literally everywhere from Google to YouTube to the shop app they also let you sell across TikTok Instagram Pinterest and even

1:28:23directly inside AI chats so your customers can shop wherever they already are let's just say pregnancy has not slowed down my online shopping addiction and I always get excited when I see that little purple shop pay button at checkout I'm like yes yes I'm gonna buy this and if it was harder checkout process I probably wouldn't have but boom I'm hitting it it makes buying something so fast and so easy and for businesses that means fewer abandoned carts and more sales so Shopify even gives you your own AI assistant called sidekick which basically helps you with all the hard stuff like optimizing your website or analyzing sales trends and the best part is you can do it right from your phone I can upload new merch check on orders and see what you guys are loving from literally anywhere I am so ready to add entrepreneur to your list of accomplishments head to shopify.com slash daddy that's shopify.com slash daddy do you have any advice for people who

1:29:29let's say are in a situation where they're staying home with the baby because you know you just gave birth and their partner has to go back to work and there's maybe a little jealousy of like oh you're getting to come home and you're telling me about your work day and I'm actually speaking Google Gaga language still and I love this baby don't get me wrong but I'm starting to go a little stir crazy like how can the partner who is getting to go out into the world and still interact and be an adult human being interacting with the other adults and coming back and getting kind of the good parts of both how can that partner be supportive of the person at home great such a good question I mean to me if in that dynamic it's enacted a lot and I think what it says in terms of let's say it's that moms more core internal need is what's the wish I think that's like a helpful framework always what's the wish well I wish even as I'm home I had moments of my week where film like I was out talking to other adults I was talking about something with someone that wasn't how many ounces

1:30:34the baby eight right okay and if it becomes less about you have this and I don't and more okay well underneath that comparison is there something I wish for then I'd like my partners help figuring out how I can carve out time for me to meet those needs so on Saturday can you do this and I'm going to go get those needs met so great point again I think like we talked about boundaries now it's actually like a lot of this comes down to vocalizing what you need because a lot of it is probably you're internally going through a lot and you just went from essentially knowing one version of yourself and then now you're meeting an entirely new version of yourself and I even won't admit sitting here I'm like I am so excited for this time off like I've never really taken time off I can't wait but there is a little part of my brain that's like you think you're going to be able to almost three months with like no work and just this baby and that sounds to me amazing but I'm like

1:31:38oh I know myself I'm gonna get the itch and I'm gonna have these feelings and to not make myself feel guilty for not being so satisfied with just sitting in a home with this child but finding other things for myself to do to feel like I'm stimulated that doesn't make me a bad mother no I mean if I think about my first couple days after having my first I mean I had an emergency c-section for my first and I had to be under anesthesia like it was a you know my son came out you know totally healthy but I come home and I am I've always really liked action and I was baking biscotti and this is like a totally psychotic thing to do you know and I was like cooking for people coming over and I set to my husband one day I think it was like day six I go this is crazy I only need four hours of sleep no obviously it's like oh my god it's gone to the dark we've gone to the dark I'm losing it I'm losing it and then I crashed wait did you say this one day so it's probably day six after having a

1:32:41baby yeah no no no any way to see section and a C section no no no no no no I was not paying attention to anything going on I think um my brain was like running and in some ways I think trying to repeat the life I had had yeah eight days prior like just let's get back to it back in it I completely crashed I mean I had to go back to the hospital they I it was like so bad and I think you're right though to go in knowing I wish someone had said Becky your brain is gonna want to keep doing all the things and that's probably where deep down you've gotten value you get in doorfins you feel like yourself you are about to meet a totally different part of yourself not just Becky as mom but Becky as someone who stays in bed that every my husband made me nap after that every day I'd say this is insane I'm not even tired every day I would nap every day but I didn't know it I didn't I didn't you fall asleep in twos I guess I'm not even tired it's like good but you're like okay literally best out of your life every day oh wow yeah

1:33:43we have no we have to listen to our bodies and we have to not try to just pretend like something didn't massively change yeah um okay you give the best advice we're gonna do some rapid fire to get your take on some hot parenting topics are you ready ready okay your kids as I hate you what do you do I would say nothing in that moment probably say it again I'd say I love you let's talk when you know things are all cooler okay screen time do you have any best practices oh this one's so hard because people everyone has different lives we need different things I really respect that and screen time tends to be the solution to the problem today in the cause of the problem tomorrow oh that wouldn't hurt that was a good that's a good line oh that's a good one let's quote that okay is bribing your kid ever okay yes certain situations require M&M to get

1:34:43out the door okay I love that um how do you provide for your child without making them spoiled oh this is a more nuanced question than it appears on the surface because I think we're talking about spoiled an entitlement entitled kids are kids who've never learned how to tolerate frustration and worse their kids whose frustration was met with an exit ramp and so they believe the world should continue to offer that I am not someone who should feel frustrated which you can't blame a kid for when they're 18 if that was kind of what was taught to them so the best way for kids not to become entitled and spoiled is to make sure tolerating frustration not avoiding it or exiting from it is just part of the everyday life of a kid that's great advice um how do you handle the in law who undermines all of your parenting oh my god I think we can do a whole episode on this yeah I mean I think this comes down to your marriage and how open you can be together about kind of those

1:35:46dynamics and then you know I do think there's a killing with kindness approach and say it's to my mother-in-law where you can you know say some version of like hey our relationship is important to me let me start with that and it's probably only going to come more important now that I have a kid and I know you really care about that kid as well I'd love to talk to you about something that has been kind of hard in the house that I'd love to be able to shift because I know we both want the best for this kid right and so being on the same team against a problem the problem is the different messages the problem is the passive aggressive comment if we can see a situation that way versus the problem is my mother-in-law we can usually align with someone instead of against them you're good at this whoa you're like easier said than done in the real life okay if a child goes through a phase where they are strongly preferring one parent what do you do totally normal again kids are just playing around with their relationships they're trying to figure it out what do you do if you're the it's usually harder some for the non-preferred parent right

1:36:51you can't give me a bath only mommy can give me a bath right number one try humor just actually in general lean into a resistance instead of fighting it it's so true I don't even know where a bath is and I pick up my kid is this the bath and I kind of hold my kid over the toilet my kid's going to say that's not the bath all of a sudden we're connected and usually I can roll with it or just the other version is just allow it and just kind of move on you wish mom was giving you a bath tonight that's it and then keep going I like the humor advice that's good if you see another kid being mean to your own kid when do you step in um I mean I think there's probably degrees and then there's repetition right so something seems really out of control really bullying I might step in stayed you know right away and just say whoa that is not okay in this house I'm not going to let that happen I have two good kids you can't talk to my kid like that there's no more of that or maybe

1:37:51it's lower key and I'm more think oh why does my kid let this these little things keep happening and then I'd probably intervene with my kid in again in a quiet moment hey I'm noticing whenever Kieran comes around he takes all your trucks and says you can't play with any of your own trucks like what's going on there do you do you like that what do you want to figure out what you could say let's think about that together because I know those situations are hard in the moment but I feel like if we kind of come up with a little game plan we can figure it out together and at what point do you go to the other kid's parent um I don't know if there's an exact science to this um you know again it's probably something to do with how extreme and the repetition and again I think these can actually be productive conversations if again we assume this kid is probably also a good kid having a hard time not having enough boundaries whatever it is I can say look I want to share something with you let me just say off the bat I don't think there's any bad kid here but this is something I know I would want to know um and I want to share it in a way that you might find

1:38:52useful in your home here's what I notice great okay what is your take on allowing your children to see you cry or really break down I mean I don't know if the word allow is how I think about it sometimes that happens again our kids are kind of assessing our sturdiness so if I can help it I probably don't want to be breaking down all the time but seeing us cry doesn't kind of disorient a kid as much as seeing us cry and then not talking about it or making up a random story that doesn't make sense right so hard things in a kid's environment that's not what's hard for a kid what's hard for a kid is when they notice things in their environment and no adults talk to them about it because then they have to make up their own story right and the 10th the stories a kid makes up tend not to be accurate or useful right and so if you cry just talk about it your kid hey saw me crying over there you know and then whatever version feels developmentally appropriate I was talking

1:39:52to a friend who got some sad news about someone she loves and sometimes when our friends are sad we're sad right and then I think a line that's helpful is you know I can be sad and take care of you at the same time because that's probably what a kid is really wondering that's so helpful just everything I think also that you've shared today about like so much of it is kids really how did you say it earlier you're like they're just wanting to understand like who they are in the world and and is this real and what's happening so as a parent just like giving them guidelines and guidance in those moments where they're kind of floundering and looking around not giving them the answer but just giving them those safety guardrails in moments that feel scary yeah is really helpful to take away from today for me and and kids notice everything they notice more than we do because right their survival is dependent on their attachment with us because they can't take care of themselves for insane amount of time right and so they have to perceive everything in the environment is that safe is that safe is that a threat is that a threat so they notice everything

1:40:57and so I think sometimes we think we're protecting them by not talking about something they've already seen it so either they've seen it and they have a story from you to understand or they've seen it and then they have to make up their own story or they start to go back to conference Alex they start to doubt their perceptions well mommy's belly does keep getting bigger or I do keep hearing are my uncle's name and cancer all the time but maybe maybe I don't really notice that because no one's talking to me about it you have done so much work I'm wondering like what are you most focused on an interest in now you know it's such good timing for this conversation because I think my my parenting works so much of it so much of it started with pregnant women and new parents in my practice right that was and when I started good inside I had toddlers and then my kids have grown up into teens and so that's kind of naturally where so many things went but now a good inside were

1:42:01so excited to be focused on the pregnancy and baby stage because in some ways I think it's it's how we really start to lose ourselves especially as moms were obsessed with the fruit size of our baby which by the way I totally was too and it's very fun and we track everything which again I think we can do but we kind of lose track of ourselves by only kind of focusing on everyone else and so to be able to help new parents and show up and just say yeah let's help you with the feeding let's help you with the sleep but also let's help you with you let's help you learn to set boundaries let's help you in your partnership before things explode and that that's what's really exciting me right now you also are writing children's books yeah what is different about your book you know I love children's books I'm obsessed with children's books I also think they've always helped me be a good parent when I'm too exhausted to be a good parent like I'd come home and I can I'm like all right I can read so let me just pick out a book that feels like it has

1:43:02some good themes and I can ask like one question at the end I'm like perfect how am I is all on the back so I wanted to give parents I think they're tools when they're the right books and I always love Robert Munch books I just they show kids doing not nice things saying not nice things my kids always loved them and I've never been too afraid that seeing those things are gonna make my kids act that way my kids are exposed to all types of things in the world yeah but a book with some hard stuff allows me to say oh I wonder what you would do if you were Charlie oh have you ever felt like Pia do you know I don't know if you knew this but when I was six I I hit people sometimes if you want to have your kids mouth drop and be have successful interventions with them you tell them that's right they're like what my amazing mom used to hit and you're like oh yeah oh yeah let me tell you about that and now all of a sudden you reduce shame because you can say you're not the only one but if they hear a story of when you struggled with something they're going through

1:44:06they have proof that they're not the only one and nothing changes behavior as much as adding that component so I think let me show real situations every parent has them anyway and also show parents through a picture book how maybe they can intervene a little differently and then you'd be able to read a book like that and then say yeah I had that or what do you think again you're gonna have eight second conversation okay but that's all sometimes that you need to unstick things absolutely okay last question as someone who's about to enter the mom club and to anyone that's watching that's also about to become a new mother what is your last piece of advice anything that comes to mind it doesn't need to be the best advice but just anything that you want to leave and impart your wisdom on me and us with today um I mean I think the best framework you know I think about as someone's becoming a mom is just knowing yourself and making sure you're in the

1:45:12equation is a foundation to taking care of a child and so if you know the things that make you feel like you right and you kind of want to get concrete you write them down hopefully some of them are small like I love dancing to some song from high school makes me remember I love that or I really like to work out a couple days a week for 20 minutes but that makes me feel strong in my own body you'll probably have a hard time doing them for the first number of months but just knowing that part of your job as a mom is keeping those things alive for your benefit and for your kids benefit that that's what I want to make sure people know it's such good advice I am definitely going to do that because I could see myself being like oh my god I'm losing my way and what do I want to do and it's like well what made you happy before and what makes you feel like yourself and I agree so you can show up to be the best version of yourself um it is it seems simple but just from what everything I've heard from friends who have gone through this like you're in this little vortex and

1:46:16it can be a lot and overstimulating and confusing and all of that is okay and you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself in order to feel your best because yes this child is amazing but you're also you deserve to live also a happy life and being a mom is not your entire identity you were someone like you said for decades before this so you're not just going to like drop her off on the side of the road and just like come up with a whole new persona and identity you still have to nourish that side of yourself while also embracing the new aspects of yourself I think that's exactly it and all the hard parts that can I stay with my kid when they're having a tantrum instead of just you know making a go away right away if I've had a couple moments of my week where I feel like me my ability to do that is so much higher than if it's just one kind of thing after the next of only taking care of someone else so I think it all comes together. Dr. Baki I can't thank you enough for coming on call her daddy I feel

1:47:21enlightened I feel inspired I feel more prepared and I also feel like there's so much in here that tangibly I appreciate you giving so many concrete examples because I really feel like there's so many things that people probably quite literally were writing down today I know I'm like going to go back and write off this down um you are such an inspiration you have such a clear vision and it's really really nice to have a woman who can speak so eloquently about something that is very complicated and it is very intimidating and so thank you for giving us your time and I know we went a while but I needed to squeeze everything out of you um so thank you so much for coming. Thank you you asked such amazing range of really thoughtful questions I really enjoyed this so thank you.

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