Bonus IMPROV - I Always Wanted a Dog

0:00Welcome to very fine friends. Welcome to very fine friends. Bonesim, pravante, at the end. And I'm all strung out. Hi, it's a cut. It's started to sound like blister in the sun. Let me go out. I got blessed, I ran outside. I can't. I know we are at one. All right, Joe, can we get a suggestion? You sure can. Thank you. Your suggestion is oversensitive. Ever sensitive. Is there anything you're particularly over sensitive about? I'm sure. Yeah. I. But I don't put myself in situations where those things can be like used against me usually. You know, yeah.

1:18Like when I was younger, I didn't know I could do that. Yeah. Right here. I am and I realized this is stuck in a reflect well on me or make me or my ego. I have a hard time being and like controlling myself. If I if someone treats me like I'm stupid. And then I immediately get like fuck you. I'm smarter than you are. Shut up. I think that makes it look bad at all. I think it does because I should like let that. If you really were smarter than them, you and care. Exactly. So I feel sensitive about it. It's like I it's like a it's like a switch in my brain that I have yet to control. It doesn't happen often. And I think maybe that's why I don't have control over it because I have very little like experience having to rain it in. You know what I mean? Which is good, I think, but that you know people aren't treating me like I'm stupid a lot. But when it does happen. Yeah. There was one time my sister and I were at a bar and there was this guy that was sitting next to us who was trying to hit on my sister.

2:36And we were just like sitting there talking whatever. But it was like it was I think it was national talk like a pirate day. And he started he brought that up and started like bringing out like making all these pirate jokes. And like you know, they're all like what's a pirate favorite movie rating. Right. Like it's all that. And then he said. What's what's a pirate's favorite element. And I went argon. And he goes he just goes. No, that's a good guess. But it's actually gold because pirates like gold. And I was like, okay, who's the moron in this situation you are. Or like you're trying to hit on someone with pirate themed our jokes. That would have pissed me off. And it was like it was just more like that at that moment was comical because the way he like switched to like treating me like a child is like, no, good guess. But it's actually gold.

3:41Do you think that is the joke? Do you think? No, he forgot argon was a thing. It never like it didn't cross his mind at all. But there was a chemical element that started with our like every other joke had been starting with an R thing. This was the first one that deviated. And he'd like legitimately was like, mm-hmm, like good guess. I mean, next time. Very good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, man. So how did it end? At it's not brother in law. Yeah. Yeah. He's family now. No, he. He asked us to like watch his bags while he went to the bathroom. Then he came back. And he was like, hey, to the bartender who's like, he was like, thanks so much for watching my back. I'm going to get you a drink for doing that. And then he got a drink just for my sister. And the bartender was like, that's such a shitty move to like, to like buy a drink for just one person. And it's like, yeah. Yeah.

4:47Like in a world where she might have been interested, that just make you look good. But I know. Anyway. It's like when that guy bought breakfast for all the strippers and not me. So you started stripping and then he bought you breakfast. No, it was too late. I was already ready to eat. So you just eating pay for my own. It was still a strip for you though. Anyway, so that's a time when someone treated me like I was stupid. But it was a really, at that point it was just more comical. It was like so funny that he just like, I was like, what? Yeah. Yeah, that's funny. I mean, not them, but now. Yeah. Well, I mean, then it was kind of funny too. No, good guest though. Yeah, he did it in such a like, no, like I'm like, I'm going to let you down easy. Like, I don't want to, I don't want to hurt your feelings and tell you that was the dumbest thing you could have said. Thanks for playing. I like that you tried. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. I know. That is what padded me on the head.

5:51And now in pro. You're going to like it here is my dog. What? You're going to love living here is my dog. Okay. And I'm going to train you properly. Great. So please place your rear quartered legs upon the ground. It's the fastest way I could think to say that. Okay, they're on the ground. Good. Grand. Can I ask what's going on? I always wanted a dog. A dog that was smart.

6:52Okay. Okay. Can you just be a dog? This is weird. Okay. Well, maybe on the Craigslist profile say I don't want to be a dog. This is weird. I got to say everything I don't want to be on my Craigslist profile. Well, I'm just paying for the hour. At least it's not sex stuff. It feels, I don't know what this feels. I just wanted a friend. I just wanted to get to know somebody. You can get to know me. You can be my best friend. My best friend. Yeah, you put out an ad that said I'm looking for a best friend. I did. Oh, I see now man's best friend. I did. Remembered. Good girl. No. No, Tim. Tim. Don't do that. Oh, I'm sorry. We're not there yet. No, we're not. We won't ever be there. I'm not. This is not a good girl situation. No, don't worry. I've read all the books. I know that once I put this collar on you, I have to be able to slip two fingers between your neck and my nose. No, I'm not wearing a collar. What do you mean? I'm not wearing a collar.

7:53Why? Because you're an inside dog. No, because I'm an adult human woman. And what if you get out? Get out of where? I'm out. I'm out. I have a car I drove here. Okay, quick question. Yeah. Did you want the clock to start from the moment you walked in? Or now? Well, now I want it to have never started all. I don't want Tim. We had some good text exchanges. I thought we had a good rapport. Yeah. And then I show up to your house and it's... On two legs, so I noticed. Yes, yes. I'm walking on my hinders. Yes, that's correct. That's all I want. Okay, that's all I want. Hey, how about a snack? All right. Yeah. I'm hungry. I'm hungry. Oh, stop it. No. What? No can opener. No, whatever's coming out of the can. Oh, you want to love this. If I don't think you meant chips or something.

8:53Oh, no, this is a nice pate. You like pate? No, it's that fancy feast on this. It is fancy. It's 239 a can. No, no, no, no. I like pate on toast at a restaurant. Okay. I'm not totally against giving a little people food. Okay. Thank you for being generous. Look, I'm new to the city. I'm trying to make friends. Can you just try and be cool for a little bit? Remember, we were texting and we were talking about movies and stuff. That's right. Here, let's just put on a movie. Great. I love that. All right. I'm going to go to YouTube. Eight hours of dog park. No. What? No, that's not a movie. Oh, no, I thought it could go on in the background while we talk. No. All right. If it's just background noise and we're going to be talking, then that's fine. Oh, yeah. I want to get to know you. Okay. Great. Great.

9:53Well, touching is okay. Oh, stop. Stop stroking my neck. What? I'll move on to your back. No, no, just stop stroking me. I'm nervous, breed. Oh, okay. All right. I have the appropriate amount of hair in the appropriate places. Who are you trying to convince? Did you laugh like you're panting? Oh, you noticed. Yeah, I noticed. I haven't practiced. You want to go for a walk? Sure. Oh, I'm sorry. I want to go for a W-A-L-K. No, I know I had a spell. I know I should have done it the other way at first. No, it's not that. It's I'm a human being. I know that. I'm a human being. I'll be right back. My name is Jordan. You can call me Jordan. Not good girl. Yeah. She's a restaurant. I'll be right back. Oh, just coming down this year. Oh, I'm so sorry. I mean, did you interrupt your date?

10:54Oh, it didn't. I'm a sister. Oh, hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Jordan. It's not a date. We were just like, it's like a friend's thing. Oh, my God, this this forms my heart. Oh. He probably wouldn't tell you this, but his beloved dog recently passed. Oh, no. And he's been going through such a hard time. Is that, oh, that's, is that why you see, is he treating you like a dog too? No. He's been treating me like a dog. Oh, well, that makes sense. Why does that make sense? Well, he already knew me. So that was just been weird. I guess good point. Good point. Anyway, great to meet you. Gonna go back up. Just gotta get my stow first. Oh, I hope to see you again soon. Oh, oh, well, hey, you could stick her hat on. Back in cheese. Good call. Yeah, can't. Oh, I'm back. Hey, look, you're not having a good time. Look, I wish you just call it.

11:54I can be having a good time. I want to go back to the tim that I was texting with. The tim that treats me like his dead dog. I talked to your sister. She told me. Wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Let's get to the roof of the matter. I know, okay. That was just a fun one. My sister came down and introduced herself. Yeah. And told you about my dog. Yeah. And you still can't pretend to be a dog? That's why she did that. Wait a second. Wait a second. You have bits of cheese around your mouth. Mac and cheese. Was that you? No. Did you come down the stairs pretending to be... Did you put a thing of curlers on your hair?

12:54Mrs. Doubtfire style? What can you do? Seed.