218 - From Codependent to Confident: Building Boundaries in Dating

About Barb - Boundaries Coach

Barb is a boundaries coach, speaker, podcaster, and author who hit a "codependent bottom" at age 52 in 2015. After decades of self-help and therapy, she entered 12-step recovery and discovered that learning to build healthy boundaries was the antidote to her codependency. She's now in her first healthy romantic relationship (7 years), which she attributes to both partners having healthy boundaries.

What is Codependency?

A codependent person is typically fixated on other people and situations—constantly asking "what does everybody else need?"—while ignoring their own needs. Barb didn't know who she was, where she ended and others began, or what her own preferences were. She acted like a chameleon, which proved unsustainable and prevented authentic connections.

Building Boundaries: Where to Start

The core shift is caring more about what you think of yourself than what others think of you. Barb emphasizes living with integrity—being honest even when it's uncomfortable. For people with disabilities facing devaluation, she stresses: people who judge you aren't your people. Start by setting boundaries with yourself first (like not reading triggering messages), then practice with easygoing people before tackling difficult relationships.

Difficult Feelings

Common feelings when setting boundaries include guilt, shame, and fear of abandonment. People feel guilty for putting themselves first, believing it's selfish. The reality: some people will abandon you when you set boundaries, but most won't. Being judged for your authentic self is easier to live with than being judged for a fake version.

Online Dating Advice

Create red light/yellow light/green light lists of behaviors you'll tolerate. Don't wait too long to meet someone in person—you'll build unrealistic expectations. Most importantly: address issues immediately when they arise. Deal with problems when they're "buds, not full-blown trees" to assess how someone handles conflict.

Connect with Barb

For a free 30 minute Unshakable You call to learn about my private coaching and to see if we're a good fit. 

Podcast: Fragmented to Whole Life Lessons from 12-Step Recovery