Your Relationships Are Only as Strong as Your Skills, Part 1

0:00Welcome to the Carey Abbott Show, your place for news, views and values you can trust, and relationship insights you need. Now here's Carey Abbott. Oh, friends, so good to be with you. Welcome to the Carey Abbott Show. It's so good to have you with us and you are in for a treat. How many of you recognize that you could maybe beef up your personal skills, maybe beef up your communication ability or work on those soft skills that you need to get that next job. Maybe you've been looking at your phone screen too much and you need to be reintroduced to the power of looking at other people. I was made aware of a really great book called People Skills. You're going to love this. Your relationships are only as strong as your skills. I can only say amen so many times to that. And the author of this book is Deborah Folletta and she is a licensed professional counselor.

1:03She's a national speaker and author of nine books, including Soul Care Reset. And are you ready? Are you really okay? She's also the founder of the Deborah Folletta Counselor's Network and a host of the talk to me podcast. Excuse me. She and her husband, John, have been married nearly two decades. Before amazing children, she's with me right now. Welcome to the show, Deborah. What a joy to see you. It is a privilege to be here and to chat with you today. Thank you. And when I say see you, I mean it, I can see her on the screen. You cannot, however. So sometimes people don't know, they're like, radio, you can't really see her. Actually, I can't actually see her. And it's a joy. So Deborah, you've written a lot of books. You are a licensed professional counselor and a mother, which gives you a lot more street to go to bed, even beyond that. And I just want to go back in time. How is it that you got involved in counseling? There's always motivators to the work that we choose outside of those important roles of wife and mother.

2:03Yeah. I think it started when I was a young girl. I always thought I was going to go into medicine in the medical field because that's a lot of my family background. And when I started pursuing that education, I realized that I appreciated and enjoyed the interactions with the people more than I did. The medicine and the blood and all of those things. And so slowly God led me out of that path and into the path of helping people heal in their mind, spirit and soul. And I'm just so grateful to have the privilege and opportunity to walk with people through some of the most difficult times in their life. So that is a privilege. That is so good. And a great journey to go on. You knew you wanted to help. You kind of started moving in that direction and then a little adjustment. That happens often in that kind of field in the medical field and people want to specialize and they realize, no, I'm not into that. I'm into this. The people skills is so important in helping people in their relationships.

3:07That is the number one thing that impacts people's day-to-day lives. They have a broken foot and that impacts them, but not the same way as a marriage that's falling apart. Yeah. Relationships going through something. Relationships really have the power to bring life or death if we think about it because we're so, they're so integrated into our everyday lives. And I don't think we often even realize how just a slight adjustment in the temperature of our relationship can have a huge impact on our day-to-day life as well. Oh, absolutely. And you feel it to your core. And the Bible speaks about it, I'm slapping with my husband the other day. It's better to live in the attic than with a woman who is, it will just say not being kind. Right? And using her words incorrectly, it's true because you feel the weight of broken relationship and have the skills, and that's why this book is so great, to have some basic skills. Maybe to even refresh what you thought you knew.

4:07And you know, couples, marriages, and even parenting, you go through seasons and people often think, well, what used to work with this person doesn't seem to be working right because they're still changing and so are you. Right. Some of the basic principles are there, but maybe tone needs to change, maybe the way you see your role, especially in parenting, as your kids get older, you're not doing all the proactive direction as you are guiding. And just a couple simple changes in that make all the difference. Why did you write this particular book? You've written a lot of books. So people say, I would say two main reasons. The first is that I believe that it's our calling as believers, as Christians, to show the love that God has put inside of us, to convey it to a lost and desperate world. But I see that, especially in our culture today, so many times we don't convey God's love, but instead we convolut it because our junk gets in the way, our trauma gets in the way,

5:07our lack of people's skills gets in the way. And so the primary purpose of this book is to really help us to convey God's love in all of its pureness. And I think of Paul in 1 Corinthians 9 where he says, I have learned to become all things to all people so that by all means possible, some might be saved. And I think that's the heart behind this, by all means possible that we do what we can to make sure we have the skills to convey God's love. And then I think one of the reasons that it has been harder in our culture today, which will be reason number two that I wrote this book, is because we live in such a tech saturated world, you know, our screens have taken over. And then you add to that the isolation we experienced for almost two good years. And it's no wonder that we're struggling with people's skills. We don't even engage with people in the same way that we used to, where I used to have to go to the grocery store.

6:08Now I just pick up my phone, click a few buttons, and I can even say, leave it at my door so that I don't have to interact with anyone. Your little hole that you can look through and you never have to see a person. By the way, I'm not, I haven't downloaded the store app yet. I keep getting asked when I go to the store if I want a special one. I'm like, I don't want another phone. I just want to come here and buy and shop and interact with a really good, the better price. Exactly. I actually want to be here in person. So it's interesting to you about technology, which we both use. If you're writing books and you're doing all that you're doing, you're definitely appreciating your computer, social media, and all that's fine. But I'm sure you know the research that the more screens you look at, the less empathy you have. Yeah. And the less intimacy. Yeah. And empathy is key for actually having healthy relationships. And so we're all self-sabotaging and we're not taking the social cues. And the adults who already had that training don't understand that if you don't get your kid off that phone and off the off the computer for too long, they're not going to have empathy.

7:09And we know this from just research, I mean, if they go to camp for a week and they can't take any technology, their empathy scores actually are higher at the end of the camp. That was a week. Yeah. And parents had tests to this. So I just want to point that out. It isn't nobody's a villain here. But we're getting trapped into things that are actually dehumanizing us and taking away some of that natural inclination that we would have, right? Right. And it's no wonder that we are the most connected on social media, but the most lonely, the most disconnected emotionally. We have the least amount of intimacy and close friendships than we have in a very long time. And I think to be honest with you, we're just on the cusp of this getting even worse because we're just on the cusp of the infiltration of technology. And like you said, we can honor God and one another with technology. But unfortunately, in most cases, that's not how we're doing it. We don't have the proper boundaries. We're not practicing the people skills that we need to sustain healthy relationships.

8:14Hmm. Hmm. So good. Well, let's go through some of the amazing tips you have in here. And friends, you're going to really appreciate this book because it's easy to read. There's good storytelling in here, wonderful fluid writing, but some really practical people skills that you're going to want to teach the people around you too. And these are the kind of books that I tell people, listen, use this with family, you know, make it a conversation, use it in your team building at your office everywhere you work. If you're a believer in Jesus Christ, whatever you're doing, if it's at church or it's ministry, it's outreach or with strangers, whatever it is, you want to be able to bring something to the table. And the more skills you have that you can share the better, and you'll see everything improve in the relationships. So I think it's important here that you talk about the fact that you know that it's not that people don't want to love other people. Chapter two, it's not a deficit of love, it's a deficit of skill, right? Hmm. Yeah, it's interesting because so many people think that there may be a lack of love when

9:16relationships start to feel tension and conflict and misunderstanding and communication issues, especially in marriage. Oftentimes people will come into my office and say, I don't know that he loves me. I don't, I don't feel that she loves me anymore. But when you really zoom in, it's not a lack of love. It's literally a skill set that has not been taught or mastered. And for some of these people, these are aha moments. I never realized that this is the proper way to interact or communicate. I never realized that I come across this way. I never realized that this is how I show up in relationships. And so it's almost as though by walking through these steps, we're shining a light or holding up a mirror that otherwise we wouldn't have known. And it's giving us insight and awareness so that we can shift how we show up in relationships. Well, let's talk about how we show up just in general, by language, right?

10:17First, I mean, you're, you got a few seconds to make an impression. And that does decide, is this a warm inviting person? Or is this somebody who's cold and and not warm and inviting? And a lot of people have determined, well, that's just how I am. Well, right. You'll have to my least favorite phrase. I'm glad you, I'm glad you said that one. That's just my personality. Right. But is it our personality or is it the culmination of how we've learned to show up in relationships? And sometimes the very things that served us in one season of life, maybe when I was younger, I was shy because, you know, maybe you grew up in a home where dad was in alcoholic and you had, and if you spoke up, you were going to get in trouble. So you learn to pull back, you learn to be shy. What served you in one season of life will sabotage you in another season. If you don't face it and adjust it. And in one of the activities and people skills, I even have you imagine you walk into a room with 99 other strangers and then talk me through how you would show up.

11:20Are you the type of person who shows up in the middle of the room and likes to make people laugh and you're extroverted talking to people making connections? Are you the type of person who would be as quiet as possible and find a small group and hope no one notices you? You know, how do you show up? Let's talk through that because those are the type of things that tell me so much about you. And I think some people don't even have awareness of how they show up, they don't think about it. And we have to have insight and awareness in order to begin to change the things that aren't working and pursue the things that are working. Well, and yes, this is in chapter three, it's called first impressions, how you come across. And I think first of all, you have to value how you come across. So before we even get to the skill set here, maybe asking some questions, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, it's about 50 feet in the world, so that doesn't really matter. It doesn't matter. You're right.

12:20Neither's an excuse. But, but friend, do you actually value how people see you or you, you're fine being you being you, which seems to be a trend? And I would say God made us for relationship. We are meant to be a gift to other people. It is not about us. It's always about other. And when you look at any relationship prescription in scripture, it's always about the other person. So I would say first, you have to get to that platform of no, I have value that I, that I'm a gift. So how do I gift? How do I wrap myself up and present myself to other people in whatever setting it is? And this is where I contact firm handshake, you know, listening, these are, these are soft skills that will get you a job or lose you a job interview. I mean, it's basic. Right. So is that the first thing we need to think about is, okay, I need to look at how I'm presenting myself in any setting. Yeah. I think that's the first step because that's the easiest one to assess. I mean, you can assess it as simply as taking a video of yourself talking and, and then

13:25rewatching it would take a minute to watch the video, but there we go. And then take a minute to just listen, you know, to what you're saying. And then, and then start to make observations. The other thing is to ask questions of people who are close to you. You know, what, what have you noticed about my people skills? And something you said earlier really matters. This isn't about introvert versus extrovert. I think sometimes we assume that extrovert is always the healthier option. But if you're an extrovert who walks in a room like an attention vortex, and everything is on you, you just are telling stories and, you know, it's all about you. That is not good people skills. So sometimes we think we have good people skills because we know how to have a conversation or we know how to get the attention. That is not necessarily good people skills. Not only honor what I'm bringing to the table, they honor the person in front of me as well. I love that. This is so important because again, we're full. The world is full of people who I think people are more insecure now than they used to be

14:29frankly. And I think it's so to be talked about. And so there's a striving that doesn't feel natural. And when a person can step into a space and feel like, no, I don't need all the attention. But I'm willing to have a conversation. And most importantly, I'm going to ask really good questions. Because that is a skill that everybody needs. Now, I see that we need to take a quick break. So I'm going to go ahead and do that. And we're having an important conversation. For those of you who are single and you're listening to this, you need these skills, okay? And you need this book, People Skills. Those of you who are married, it doesn't matter how old you are, you want to work on these people skills. Why? Because Jesus would do it because He cared about every person He interacted with. We'll be right back. Nearly one in four pregnancies in America ends an abortion. That's over 800,000 pre-born lives that are lost each year, but it doesn't stop there. Mothers are left with lifelong emotional scars that carry grief and trauma from decisions

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17:40relationships. I cannot say how important this is because our interpersonal relationships are so key. And of course, you have clients that you write about. I'm sure you use other names and you're not giving away any details here. But one of the things you say in here is that anyone ever told you you come across cold and distant. And it was a question that you asked a woman that you'd been working with. She actually answered you and was surprised, surprised you and said, actually, no. And I think that this is really telling. And later on you, you mentioned, as you're talking to her, you asked what might be underneath the surface of her cool demeanor. And she paused. And then she said, you know, I think I've been hurt so many times over the years that I've just built up these emotional walls around myself without realizing it. I imagine this is pretty common. It is. That people don't have much of an awareness of how they come up, come across and how they show up in relationships until they invite that feedback or until somebody says something

18:43about it. And think about it in our everyday lives. It isn't common outside of comment threads on social media where people are vicious and rude and harsh. Right. You know, that's a whole other. It's a skill that we're lacking. Right. We're not getting feedback from trusted friends. We're not even inviting feedback. You know, when was the last time you said to somebody, hey, can you give me a couple suggestions on how I can come across better, how I can be better in my communication and in my interpersonal relationships? So the goal of these conversations is to be that mirror, to reflect how we're doing, how we're showing up in relationships and how we can do it better. So good. And that's why people like books like this because they don't feel brave enough. Maybe they don't have people that they trust. Yeah. They have been hurt by people and listen, that feels terrible. So I understand and the protective instincts come up.

19:43But again, if Jesus arrived on the scene and said, listen, I'm keeping you here for a reason, otherwise I'd bring you to heaven where, you know, you're awesome. You're saved. But listen, I need you here. And they need you to present the gospel in a manner that's appealing. So just for that reason alone, in your own personal life, it should start in your house because your true faith is lived out in your house. You don't be a pretender, but learn to have a happier resting face. Think about your eye contact and step into those places where people where you can give love and Deborah, I'm thinking this book has enough skills to help anybody do that. One of the things you did. So well in here is you actually have some practical places where you say take ownership and you ask very specific questions and you have some thought processes people can go through. Is this similar to what you would do if you were in a counseling session with them? Yeah, it is. And it's funny. I do have a lot of clients and I always say to them, you could save yourself a lot of money. Hi. Just reading through some of these books first.

20:44Yeah. For example, even the chapter about triggers and how we've got these emotional reactions in relationships sometimes. And when we're triggered in a relationship, we often just back out of the relationship and the relationship, stop going to that church, stop reading that book, stop interacting with that person. We even live in a culture carry where we do no contact. You know, I am done interacting with you because of minor offenses that we just don't know how to handle because we're feeling triggered. We're feeling an overwhelming exaggerated emotional response. And in people's skills, I explain that oftentimes what's actually happening when we're triggered in relationships is that God is revealing a source spot, an emotional source spot that maybe the person didn't cause, but they pushed on something that previously existed from a hurt from the past. In the past, you experienced rejection or abandonment or insecurity and then your husband

21:49says something and it makes you feel insecure. He's pushing on a source spot that previously existed. And oftentimes, instead of seeing triggers as the opportunity for us to get away from people, what if we began to see them as God revealing the emotional wounds inside of us that he wants to heal, that he wants us to pay attention to? In any context where people get close, buttons are going to get pushed, you know? Right. Right. So even reframing how we see that is so good. That takes a little bit of posturing in and recognizing what you just said and owning that when people are married, they should prepare for this because God is using marriage to help us be holier, not necessarily happier. Although the holier we get the happier, we are not very processed that causes a lot of people to say, I'm just not in love with this person because they're poking at some of my stuff. Right. One of the mirror that God closed.

22:51It's a sacred covenant and he trusted your spouse to be the one to use to at least shine a light on it, not necessarily poke at you. And I would say be tender and careful and don't assign motives and don't try to be the therapist. You know, if you have a spouse, recognize that this is pain. Where else are you going to get that kind of a relationship? There is other relationship that can do that, which is why people run from it and they end those marriages quickly because they so called fall out of love. No, it was just getting tense because there were some challenges in your resiliency. It wasn't there in that particular area and God knew that. This is also why people need to practice being healthy before they get married because marriage not complete you. That person is leading you. It's a pressure cooker. It's a pressure. It's a magnifier. Right. Yeah. It's like everything. Joining an Olympic level team, right, do things for the kingdom. So expect some pressure and people don't talk about that. You know, let's talk about listening and asking questions.

23:51I wanted to get some basic skills in here for people that I know will help them starting today. I go to the store and you have, look at the person's name and say, hey, so and so how's your day going? I do that every time I go anywhere because I think it's respectful. The shocking response is what's surprising me, people are, you're the only one that's ever asked me that. Wow. That's what they're saying. And I think that cannot be. I can't be person to look at your name and say, how are you? And they say, no, it's true. You're the only one today. And I think a big part of that is as we're interacting with people, we're often focused on what's going on inside of us. We are the focus. And I think social media almost trains us to have those unhealthy people skills that you get on there. And it's all about you, what you want to say, what you feel, your spotlighting and highlighting your life. And so we kind of walk around with those same social skills as we walk into a room instead of the goal of how can I put you first? How can I think of your needs? How can I value you and what you bring to the table?

24:52If I am checking out of a grocery store with the mindset of this person matters, it's going to change the way that I speak to them. It's going to change the way that I listen and hear what they have to say. I'm not going to be so focused on what I want to say or what I need to share or what I want to say next, but I'm going to be focused on receiving what they're offering me in that conversation. And even that mindset shift as we're going into interactions changes how we interact with people completely agree, I have, I take, I have a lot of issues with social media. And it's not that I don't see some value in those who use it right, but I'm seeing a lot of people who don't actually are not processing in their real relationships. And so they spend a lot of time there hoping for the outcome that they should be getting in real communion, you know, you, you might be seeing people's dinner that they had and whatever. And they tell too much information and it's selfie. That kind of is a giveaways. And I'm taking selfies for some other people, but really it is the framing of our relationships

25:56has changed. And that's why I mentioned earlier that the principles for relationships are other focused, not me focused, not that we shouldn't care for ourselves, tend to ourselves, prepare ourselves for success in life. But when you wrap yourself up as a gift with the intention that I'm to be given to other people, poured out for other people, that's what Jesus did. And people who want to grow up into Christ and the likeness of him have to have that mindset and to think humbly of ourself, not to think we were so special, Jesus gave up heaven. You're right. So he could be here with us and gave his life for us. Now, listen, this book, People Skills, your relationships are only as strong as your skills, my friend. Your hope might be there. Your love for people might be there, but your skills need to match. You need to get this book and use it as a guide book. You will love it. Deborah, we have so much more to talk about. Can you join me again so we can continue to help encourage people? I would love to.

26:57So you can find this book where books are sold and a final positive note from you, Deborah, on how we can do this 20 seconds. Yeah. You can find people skills anywhere books are sold at Deborahfulayda.com. And I really believe the challenge is true, your relationships are only as strong as your skills. So good. People skills, Deborahfulayda, F-I-L-E-T-A, and of course Tune in, they'll be more tomorrow. You've been listening to the Carriabit Show. If you'd like to listen again to today's episode or share it with a friend, simply go to TheLegacyInstitute.com. And remember, the Carriabit Show is made possible by donations from friends like you. And of course, our text is deductible. If you'd like to donate today, go to TheLegacyInstitute.com or call 425-354-8517.

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