Your Expectations of your Children/Replay

0:00Welcome to Straight Fire mom's podcast, I'm Alvina and I'm Cheryl and we are reaching out to single mom simply as a supportive means to your parenting process. So today we're going to just talk a little bit about if the expectations you have for your children, if you are beginning to see them materialize or when do you begin to see those expectations materialize. So when I think of these expectations, I think of, I see let's say a mom yelling at her kids, you should know better, you should have done this, you should have done that and sometimes you know what you know to do, your child who is still a child young and impressionable

1:04may not have that same way to a wisdom, that same type of wisdom that you have. So we have to allow our children at times to experience some of the consequences of their actions and hoping that they learn from their mistakes or anything that they did that maybe they meant to do it, maybe they were intentional about doing it. So for instance you have a three or four year old and you notice that their room is always on this but your expectation is that hey we've cleaned up the house and now we're coming to clean up your room, I need you to go in there and clean up that room. You come back in about five minutes and that room is still a mess and maybe even worse.

2:10So what do you do? Do you scold them? Do you punish them? Do you yell at them and scream at them? Because you want that room cleaned up, what does that mean? Does that child even know what it looks like to see a clean room? So it depends on how you're taught them, you know what I mean, there you go. So I guess as we mentioned earlier is this about you training when they're little, you're diligent training when they're little so when they get up and age then that expectation did I have a right to have that expectation because you haven't taken the time to teach you, right? But if I haven't taught you, that's when the hall on the screen comes in that and that's where aggravation comes in that but that baby don't know better no more than what you taught them. And you have to be honest with yourself because there's some people you say, well, did you teach them how to, how long did you, did you show them just one time? Is this a routine that you're in on a weekly basis or a daily basis?

3:12What are you, how are you presenting this to them? Because a lot of times you think you have and in your mind, hey, you know, I did it, but you're not consistent. You do it when you feel like it because you're mostly too tired and then you're screaming at this child saying, I want this room cleaned up. They may not know how to start, their thoughts are not organized if yours aren't because you're not being consistent, how's that child going to have a sense of how to get started. Okay. So yeah, and then we go on to other things. Once they're, let's say a little older, seven or eight and they're in school and you have expectations when they're in school, such as behavior, completing their work, getting along with others, being respectful. So these are just different little areas of their lives that you should have expectation

4:15of. So that you're not frustrated. So sometimes you need to sit down and talk to them, I was not that type. I was just like, what was this letter about? Oh, you, you acting up again? Okay. I'm going to, you know, give you your punishment as you know what it is, you know? So you're going to hear from me and there is no discussion about what's going on. This is what's going to happen. And because I had expectation, but did I really take the time to have a discussion about it? Because imagine if you're someone's teaching you to drive a car and you make a wrong turn or a wrong move and they start yelling at you, what's going to happen? You're going to freeze. You're going to not know what to do. You're not even know, did I make mistake? Well, how do I correct this? So there has to be that those expectations you have, you have to spend time, you have

5:21the labor and you have to make sure that that person understands, that child understands what it is that you want, step by step sometimes. And some kids, you know, not all kids are the same. And so you have to take that time to not expect that they're going to get everything right. You have to understand that there's times they're, they're going to make a mistake and what are you going to do? I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it. Children are going to make mistakes. I remember we talked about this before and they're saying, well, this is diligence. They're going to mess up. I can whip them. I can punish them. I can do whatever I want to do. They are children. They're going to do it again. That's why it's so important, as we said before, to be diligent. That's the key to be diligent, you know, we talked about this of you, you simply watch your TV and hollering from the room. That's get up, mama. Don't be lazy. Get up. Get up.

6:21Show them how to do. Show them how it's done. All right. And over and over. And over to done. And sometimes you're asking yourself, you know, how come, why is this, why is that, why is this going on? And sometimes you really have, listen, get honest with yourself. If you need to make a chart, hey, did I review X, Y and Z with my child today? Let me make a schedule. The schedule on Tuesdays, we're going to wash clothes on Fridays. We're going to do this. And then you need to go back and initial it. Did we do that? Did we do that on Tuesday? Did we do that on Friday? Or did we complete, did I say, you know what, I'm too tired. So you have to understand the expectations that you have for your children. You know, you want them to go to school and you want to hear the teacher say, oh, they were so good.

7:21They, that child is so precious, they're always polite, this, that, and the other. And then what you find out is that you're keep getting these letters because you haven't just put the time in to really sit and talk with that child to see what their thoughts are, to see why they're acting out in school. What's going on? Let's talk about it. If you can be honest with me, listen, I can dig do anything with your honesty, but if you're not being honest with me, then I can't help you. Yes, there's going to be consequences that you won't like if you're not being honest with me. So, and sometimes if your child turns out to constantly be honest with you, do you think you're going to be yelling and screaming at them? Yeah, I think, too, it's good to have a, to have a kind of relationship and, and that's

8:23when parents really invest, when my mom's really invested in her children, when you have a kind of relationship with your children, they can communicate with you. And to where, you know, to where they trust you, they communicate with you. So, so it's not, it's not a struggle, it's not a, it's not a thing to where, you know, they, they messed up again, and I'm upset, and I'm hoping, howling for us, no, no, it's that, it's like, you know, you can, I remember, I remember, you know, it's like, it's my day to speak to me, you know, you get to speak to me, and it would just, it would just do me in the same here, you know what I'm saying here, without all the fussing and hooping and hollering, you know what I mean, nobody wants that the kids don't want that, and you don't either. Right. Why is that just stuff like that? And, and, and not just that, to me, it's like, and home is my safe haven, home is where peace should be, home is where love should be. So all that hooping and hollering and fussing and carrying on into the end being my house, right. But that's up to mom, you know, you're there with your children, it's up to mom, it's

9:27mom has to set the stage for the home, and it's how, it depends upon how you structured your home, you know, and, and that's going to be the results you get, right. And you know, sometimes you go out to the stores and you see a mother with her children and once following all that over the floor and screaming and they cussing them and fuss and then I'm, you know what I'm saying, right, that's, that's because of no home training, right. Training is not cussing my child out. Training is not stopping my child upside the back of the head. You know, I had to tell one, this wasn't your lady that one time because every, the, the, she was holding the baby and the other little baby would cut up because she popped him up back and he said, I'm a honey, don't do that to your child. Yeah, I mean, do you think about your mother, your, your, your, what he looks to, and if you're treating him like that, that's not, that's not a corrective measure to a child upside the back of the head. Right. And that's the same thing. What do you expect that child to do?

10:28They're going to scream. They're, you know, they're totally dumbfounded. What just happened? You know, that hurt, um, I'm crying now, man, I'm angry, you know, I'm screaming. All these things are occurring and then you said something key about home being at safe haven. Hmm. You, when you leave home, your kids, they're getting all kinds of things thrown at them at school, all kinds of things are happening with their peers, with teachers, maybe the bully on the block, whatever, all these things are happening. And then you come home and you're thinking, wow, I'm home. I'm away from that. I just need a break from it. And then when you come in, the expectations are beyond what you can even understand, such as like you said, being slapped up on the back of your head, whatever the case may be, something that just isn't natural.

11:30And I'm not saying that, um, I haven't smacked my child when he was growing up. But you have to look at that and look at the reaction that you get and not a response. So the response you want is, oh, I'm, you know, I didn't realize it. Oh, I'm sorry. Or I'll go ahead and take care of it and how you get that is, how you interact with that child. Hey, listen, you forgot something and this is, this is important. This is teaching you responsibility. This is teaching you, um, to be diligent, to be consistent and they have to see that around them in order for them to recognize, oh, yeah, I messed up and being honest and open about it. And the parent says, okay, so now what, what do you do now? As opposed to, you know, like the rumble and tumbling going on. Well, because because and then and like we said, their children, you have to tell them

12:30over and teach them over and over again, consistency. But when they get old as they grow and they get older, right? And so then they start doing this stuff and you know, they know better. You know you've taken the time. You know, you've explained it to them. Then there does, sometimes there does have to start being consequences of some time, right? But it's not pop you upside the back of your head, right? It's like, okay, so Johnny, mom has showed you this over and over again. I've showed you how I've told you we've talked about it. I've demonstrated it now. So now it's time for now, now I'm going to let you know we have one more time of this. And if this happens again, there will be consequences, okay? So I'm going to let you know this, if this, that and the other may happen the next time we come here, because I know you can do this, right? You know what I mean? That's making it very clear, very plain. You put the time and the labor. So now when it happens, right? There has to be disciplinary of some time, right?

13:33And then the thing about it is, is that we have to understand what another was what punishment needs to cry, right? It's not one fits all. I'm beach of everything you do. You don't do that. That was me. Yeah, right. We don't do that. That's what we learned. We learned that. Right? We learned that. It's so, yeah. And then, and then, you know, we do all that. And you said the fact that it starts really early, and it does start really early, because we have to bring them up. But then, so what happens, like when they get to be, you know, like, like 10, 11 years old, because I'm telling you, especially those little boys, those little boys that you that fall all out in the floor, and then you pop them upside your head and custom them out. They don't, we're respecting you. So what happens is when they start getting taller than you, the little muscles and chest are breaking down, they're smelling the cell. Right? And when they're moving upside your head, I know what I'm talking about. Now that didn't happen to be, but I've seen it. Right? It happens. You've got to teach those young men, those are boys to be young men.

14:38And you have to be an example of a woman of or a woman and a lady before them, right, and teach them these things. Because if not, they will take that, they'll hold that resentment against you. Well, listen, it does, it's not just a boy thing. No, it's not. I'm just saying, the boys have a tendency in them that got made them to be more mature and more white. You know what I'm saying? So that's in their spirit anyway, to be dominating and things like that, so that's why I mentioned the boys. Right. Right. Because a father recently told me that his 10-year-old and it was co-parenting going on. So his 10-year-old at that time, she's much older now, told him one day, I don't care what you say and called him by his first name at 10. And everyone he said in the house was like, oh no, and they all went to their rooms except for her. And he took care of business and he said she learned that day and it never happened

15:44again. Right. She learned that she had to respect him, but because, you know, the respect wasn't taught at home. For whatever reason. I don't know that man's life was like around his mother and all that, but the respect for him was not in her household, because she would have never been out there with him. Right. And even my daughter now, it's different now with her father. She said that she was about four, maybe, and her cousin asked her something about her father. And she said something like, I don't like him. I wish he wouldn't come around. She was about three or four. But because she was, you know, upset because he wasn't coming around consistently. So it shapes the way they think and, you know, about those who are around them, those who are responsible for them, you know. So the outcome from the expectation from that, you know, could have gone totally left,

16:53but she began to become closer to her as she got much older. She wanted that, you know, father. And we have to put in the time. If we want, if we have expectations of our children that are positive, we have to be positive in their parenting. Right. If we want children that are going to be productive, then we have to show them product of this. You know what I mean? It has to go that right. You can't. Like you say, it's been over those days, do what I say, because I say it. Right. This generation I want to hear that. That's exactly right. You shouldn't have to. Right. Right. Right. We learned, you know, we learned because it used to be, I know with me, it used to be a time I wouldn't listen. Listen. They wouldn't even have to tell me because I said so. When they said the first time I was doing this, they said, you know what I mean? Because that's the error we came up in. Right. Certainly. Right. You know, but now things are different. And it's okay because it's okay to sense that that it teaches us more, we've grown

17:56more as adults. It was parents and we've learned more, you know, God has taught us more. It's not, we're not all the same, we're not much more to learn, we do. But we still have the voice of us that's to learn a lot. And we would do some things differently now that we did that then. But the good part about it is now we can tell someone else, you know, and we can, you know, we can know, we know what we're talking about, you know, and that's, that, in those areas. So that's a good thing. Yeah. But yeah, it's not for everybody, but I'm sure this someone out there. That's what we're about. That's what it is. That's what it is. Yeah. Right. Right. Yeah. So I, I, you know, I think it's a good dialogue. It is, um, expectation says something to think about because I, you know, I would like us to talk again about expectations, maybe about what we expect, maybe, maybe our kids are a little older. And what are our expectations of our children and why do we have those expectations in? What is our, does our expectation in a fear, you know, those type of things I like us

18:59to talk about? Because I think this is a good topic. So anyway, um, we want to invite you, our listening audience to feel free to send a message, uh, with comments and questions. Let us know what you want to discuss. And we love to hear from you. So thank you for listening. And until next Tuesday, we are straight fire moms where we learn and we grow.