“You Look Great For Your Age” And Other Backhanded Compliments You Should Avoid

0:00This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human Success starts with your drive, and American Public University is here to fuel it. With affordable tuition and over 200 flexible online programs, APU helps you gain the skills and confidence to move forward. Whether you're changing careers, starting fresh, or pursuing a lifelong passion, APU's programs are designed for people who never stop. You bring the fire, APU will fuel the journey. Learn more at apu.apus.edu. This is Sophia Bush from Working Progress with Sophia Bush. Bring the good with avocados for Mexico. Upgrade your meals, your get-together, or even your everyday life. Give your moments a little glow up. Either one, everyone's glad showed up. Because avocados from Mexico spark the joy with every bite. And by the way, they're good for you too. So elevate your everyday. Bring the good flavor. So rich and cravable.

1:01Avocados from Mexico. Always good. You're listening to a podcast. So you're doing something else too, like maybe scrolling home listings on Redfin. Saving places you like without thinking you'll get them. Because that's what house hunting has become. But Redfin isn't built for endless browsing. It's built to help you find and own a home. Redfin agents close twice as many deals as other agents. Which means when you find a place you love, you've got a real shot at getting it. Redfin helps turn saved listings into real addresses. Get started at redfin.com. Own the dream. This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures. It's the Matt Rodgers in Bowen Yang. We all know the feeling when life gets really busy taking care of yourself can feel impossible. That's why premier protein shakes are my go-to. They have 30 grams of protein, 160 calories, no added sugar, and they taste amazing.

2:01So they're a healthy choice you'll actually want to make. It's not just for fitness. It's for getting after life. The 30 grams of protein gives you the fuel you need. It's not just for intense gym sessions. It's just for life. With a wide variety of flavors from capillata to cake batter, it never feels boring. It's a flavor for everyone. I personally love the peaches and cream, but maybe you're a root beer floater, cinnamon roll kind of person. Premier protein powers me to say yes to more. Find your favorite flavor at premierprotein.com. That's P-R-E-M-I-E-R, protein.com, or at Amazon Walmart and other major retailers. This is Martha Stewart from the Martha Stewart podcast. Ever wonder how to make hosting look effortless? Here's a secret. When prepping for cooking and baking, get ahead of the mess with new Reynolds Kitchens countertop prep paper. Just lightly wet the counter so the paper grips. Lay it down and drips and spills stay on the paper,

3:03not on your counter. Cleanup is as simple as lifting it away to reveal clean counters. Effortless, it is. Thanks to Reynolds Kitchens countertop prep paper. Wet it, set it, prep it, done. Available in the Reynolds Wrap aisle at Walmart. Here they folks, it is Thursday, March 26, and don't you love a good compliment. Doesn't it always feel good when somebody says to you, wow, you look great. But does it change when they add to the end of that for your age? With that, welcome to this episode of Amy and TJ. The subject has come up because of how we, Mandel, we will get into all that. Let me start off the top. Is it for you, Robes, immediately, automatically, an insult if someone says you look good for your age? Look, I don't think anybody wants to hear that last for your age. And I don't know why you have to say that. I think just saying you look good is good enough.

4:03But when it's around your age, when you're talking about your age, and then that comes up, yeah, it's... You now have... You're not being compared to either your former self or someone. It just... It doesn't feel like a compliment when someone says that. Okay, well, how we Mandel didn't think it was a compliment either. Earlier this week, he was a guest on live with Kelly and Mark. And Mark. How is still about to say... Regis. I mean, honestly, it flows. I get it. Yeah, that's the three. Okay. Kelly and Mark. He's on... How we Mandel is 70 years old, by the way. Can we just say he looks good? He does look good. How he looks good. I like the look he has with the goatee he's been using for several years. No hair. The glasses. He's working for them. You know what he reminds me of, like, Jeff Goldblum. Just cool. Like getting cooler with age. Like, actually, like, comfortable in his own skin. Good comments. Knows his style. And, yeah, and just looks good. And still hip. Appropriately...

5:03Hip. Right? Not trying too hard. The guy looks great. I'm not sure what he was promoting. And we're going to play this for you now. But you've seen a lot of headlines, possibly, that he got into it with the hosts. Because they were complimenting him, Robes, especially saying, you look great. How old are you? They were complimenting that he looked so good for the age of 70. He didn't take too kindly to that. So, Robes, first, what impression should people have if they were just reading the headlines and didn't hear it? It sounded like, and in fact, some of the headlines suggest it was awkward. It was tense. It was uncomfortable. So, when we went to go watch it, I thought, wow, this is going to be... This is going to be something. This is going to be awkward. That's how it read when you just read the headlines or read some of the articles that were written about it. Some of them were kind of vicious. I mean, to the point, the thought they got into it. It sounded like, from what we read, that how he Mandel gave it to Kelly and Mark.

6:04Like, actually, like, serve them some angry words. Okay. We're going to play it for you now. Some of those headlines, obviously, were a little click baity. But we're going to let you hear it. Now, the story here, yes, it's about how we and what happened in this moment you're about to hear, but it's really sparked a very interesting conversation about compliments and backhanded compliments. But here is how he Mandel in the exchange with Kelly and Mark earlier this week. 70 years. Yes, 70 years old. Yes, I'm 70. How does it make any sense? What do you mean it doesn't make any sense? I look great. That doesn't mean anything to me. No, it doesn't. No, no, no. No, I don't like that because that's a caveat. When you say your, because you tell somebody you're 70 and they go, you look great. You're not saying you look great for 70. Yes, you are without saying 70. I'm saying that. You look great. I am saying that. I don't believe your set. No, no, I'm saying. No, it's like saying you're smart for a stupid person.

7:05Yeah. Oh, you look smart. You seem smart. You say, I don't look good. No, you do look good. Thank you. Okay. Your impression after hearing it, Robes was what? It sounded a little more wink, wink, nod, nod, jovial. I think how he was a little annoyed, but he also decided to lean into it and spend some humor around it. I thought he was being a comedian. That was my impression. He went hard and sometimes comedians, sometimes they're deadpan. And he was kind of not laughing about it. I didn't... Was the question wrong? Was the response wrong? I shouldn't say wrong. But did you take... Would you have done either one differently? Would you have asked the question differently? Would you have answered it differently? That's my question. Yeah. So I think, look, when Kelly basically just said, that doesn't make any sense, it kind of felt like feigned surprise and I don't think he liked that. Like, come on. What do you mean it doesn't make any sense? Like, that was annoying to him. When people feigned surprise, like,

8:05I think he was irritated by it. So she probably could have just said, you look great. Now, in defense of what she said, I think she did a good job of explaining. No, you look great. And it's hard to believe your 70. I think that's a compliment. I understand why it can feel offensive. And he went a little hard, but I do think he was doing it for entertainment purposes. Yes, I'm with you there. I didn't find anything mean-spirited about what he did. Now, it did cause an awkward moment because he called them on it. And maybe we should all be called on it and think about how we speak to folks sometimes. Rob, I'm trying to examine that particular thing they said. Because to be honest with you, Robes, there are a lot of people out there who do look great for their age. That is just, wait, you're 80? Most 80-year-olds I see don't look like this. They're not out here running a marathon. They don't have toned arms. Isn't it a real thing that factoring in someone's age

9:08adds to your wonder about how great they look? Look, and so I just want to say, I don't really take it personally. And I have had people say that to me. I think there's a similar thing people say, like younger, like 20-year-old girls, if I look half as good as you do at your age, I'll be set. So I know it's a compliment. But I also think we have to be honest with ourselves and recognize that as you age, it does get harder to look better. You are fighting gravity. You are fighting cells that are damaged and declining. You aren't your best shiny, bright new self physically that you were 10 years ago, 20 years ago. That's just the truth. So I kind of look at it as a compliment because it's almost earned. You've worked hard. You've taken care of yourself. You've eaten right. You've exercised. You take time to make sure you present yourself a certain way. You haven't let yourself go. You haven't given up. So I actually think it is a compliment,

10:09but I can understand why I can feel offensive. You think it is a compliment. But if you see why it could be offensive, but you aren't offended by it. That's exactly where I fall on it. What would you feel if someone said that to you? I don't really know. I'm thinking that I can't remember times where I get it a lot when it has to do with my, frankly, my weight, my physique. I'm still almost the same weight I was in junior high school. That is a true story. So I get that sometimes, certainly from uncles, like, how are you? You don't have your stomachs not out. You're 40. How are you doing? Yeah, I hear that sometimes. I think that is a compliment. I don't know. I'm questioning how to speak to other people when I see them. And I think someone looks great. Wow. She looks good today. He looks good today. What? He's 74? That's a, it almost adds to it. Yeah. But Robes, if you didn't know that person was 74, would they still elicit a compliment from you about how good they look?

11:09Right. Or is it only in the context of their age? It's probably both. And look, I think what I've always tried to do, and I know not everybody wants to give this grace, and I get that. But I always try to recognize, or at least incorporate in my reaction, their intention. And you can tell if someone means it as a compliment, intends it to be a compliment. Even if it doesn't feel like one, when you see that they're actually trying to give you a compliment, I give people a break. I understand. People have said things that you're like, wow, that actually is so offensive. But I know you didn't mean it that way. And so you just let it go. But it is something to note. I think when you see something like this, or you hear an exchange like this, it does remind all of us to be careful how we choose our words. Because not everybody feels the same. And some people are more sensitive than others. And I get that. Does maybe you think of the commercial, you know, I love now, the passive progressive. Oh, it's so funny. The commercials where they're insulting folks over the intro. And it's like, wow, you, they do have rooms with balconies.

12:11Good thing you save money so you could buy some better clothes. Like it's a little. Or look how cute you used to look. Or look how young you used to look. Yeah. Okay, that's more of a picture. Brilliant. We should get credit for that. But folks, this thing is now set off a conversation with a lot of folks. And folks immediately want to take sides. They're with Howie or they're with Kelly and Mark. But that's not the case. We actually sat here and had some fun coming up with other examples of stuff. It's actually been set to us that maybe was meant to be a compliment. But ended up maybe even pissing us off a little bit. There's so many examples of that. We will give them to you and plenty of them. You've probably heard already. Stay here. There's so much noise around weight loss right now. Trends, opinions, medications. It could be hard to know what's actually right for you. That's where weight loss by hers comes in. Hers offers access to Dr. developed weight loss treatment plans that are personalized to you. Hers goes beyond medication with ongoing care,

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14:15You bring the fire, APU will fuel the journey. Learn more at apu.apus.edu. This is Sophia Bush from work in progress with Sophia Bush. Bring the good with avocados for Mexico. Upgrade your meals, your get-togethers, even your everyday life. Give your moments a little glow up. Either one, everyone's glad showed up. Because avocados from Mexico spark the joy with every bite. And by the way, they're good for you too. So elevate your everyday. Bring the good flavor. So rich and cravable. Avocados from Mexico. Always good. This is Bowen Yang from Los Culturistas with Matt Rodgers in Bowen Yang. We all know the feeling when life gets really busy, taking care of yourself can feel impossible. That's why premier protein shakes are my go-to. They have 30 grams of protein, 160 calories, no added sugar, and they taste amazing. So they're a healthy choice you'll actually want to make.

15:16It's not just for fitness. It's for getting after life. The 30 grams of protein gives you the fuel you need. It's not just for intense gym sessions. It's just for life. With a wide variety of flavors from cafe latte to cake batter, it never feels boring. It's a flavor for everyone. I personally love the peaches and cream, but maybe you're a root beer float or cinnamon roll kind of person. Premier protein powers me to say yes to more. Find your favorite flavor at premierprotein.com. That's P-R-E-M-I-E-R, protein.com, or at Amazon Walmart and other major retailers. Let's talk about modern home shopping. It's sort of become a fun side hobby, right? Scrolling listings at night, dreaming about kitchens you've never seen, or backyards you haven't even stepped foot in, all from the comforts of pretty much anywhere. Redfin knows a lot of people like you want to own, but are stuck in this browsing mode loop. That's where Redfin lips the script. With listings that update within minutes,

16:17and tours you can book a write from the Redfin app, you can see your dream home the moment it appears. Now liking a listing is easy, but actually landing it, that's where Redfin comes in. Redfin has over 2,200 agents with local expertise, and Redfin agents close twice as many deals as other agents. That means they want to help you win, not just window shop. Redfin is built to help you go from just looking to wait. This could actually be home, so become the newest neighbor on the block. Visit redfin.com to start finding and start owning. That's redfin.com. All right, we continue here on Amy and TJ, you look good for your age, and what age do you start getting that? I think 40 up. I think 40 up. 35, 40, yeah. If you tell somebody you look good for your age, when you think about 36? Oh, women, yes. No, yes, women. I would say like younger girls in high school

17:17when I was starting my 40s, yes, you kind of get paid that compliment from girls who are, yes, when you're young, 40 is so old, right? And I think it starts for women in their 40s. Maybe it starts for men in their 60s. I really do think that's probably true. Well, I can't imagine a woman. You meet somebody. She's 42. Oh, my goodness. You're 42. You look great. Yes. That sounds like an insult. I absolutely got that in my 40s. Absolutely got that in my 40s. Oh, well, how am I supposed to look? I'm 40. That and also when they see you have adult children, they'll say like, oh, my goodness. You look great to have kids that age. So that also is a compliment. I know it's intended that way, but you could be offended by it. Be careful how you talk to people. And in particular, Amy Robot, apparently. The other examples we started coming through. You got a little list there. Yeah. What else qualifies as a compliment? The ends up being an insult. Okay.

18:17You show up somewhere. You've got a snazzy outfit on. And someone says to you, I could never pull that off. Okay. Yeah. I think I've said that to a bunch of people. You've said this to me. You look great in this light. I've said that. Yes. You look great in this light, especially when it's like candlelight or it's dark. That could be. I'm kidding. I was just adding that part. But that could be offensive. No, what you do have said to me is, what do you say to me? Oh, you have. Yeah. You know what? I do. I'm trying to remember. I say, oh my god, you have such a gorgeous smile. You should smile more. You should smile more. Yes. That's what it is. You say that to me. You have a gorgeous smile. You should smile more. Okay. Here are some other ones. How are you still single? That's bad. What you're saying is, wow. You're attracted. You're such an impressive person physically and everything. You got everything going. How are you still single? I guess it's supposed to be a compliment, but you're certainly saying, what's wrong with you?

19:17Yes. What do I not know? Are you crazy? The other one, anything about someone's weight. So it can mean you can come from a really good place. Like, wow, you've lost so much weight. You look great. The implication is you didn't before. And or, wow, you're so thin now. That's amazing. It's just anytime you're making a comment and saying it's positive because you've changed. You're implying that before you changed, you weren't. Maybe it's just an improvement. So I thought this was interesting. I read somewhere that if you are wondering whether or not this compliment, you think you're about to pay someone could be taken the wrong way or could be actually, yes, a backhand a compliment if you add four. So just the compliment being, you look great for your age. You look great for an older man. You look great for a mom or for a new mom or for someone who just had a baby. Like, those are all compliments that people create those caveats. So if you have to add four at the end of your compliment, you might be offending someone. That's a good gauge, I would think.

20:19The other one they said, if you start your compliment with or you put this in the sentence, actually or surprisingly, it's not going to be a compliment. You don't think about food. Wow, this is surprisingly good. If I just made it, I'm now offended. How about you're so articulate? That's the classic. That's the classic. That's not a compliment. White people stop telling black folks that we speak so well. Please stop doing that. Have a college degree. And the crazy thing is, you hear it all the time. All the time. Do still see it on TV. Be so articulate. Everywhere. We go. What the actual hell are you talking about? It's not a compliment to tell me as a black man that I have a good command of the English language. I know. I actually, my girlfriend, who was black, this is our first job. We were in Charleston, South Carolina. And we had voicemail back in the day. Her name is Erica. I love you, Erica. She, she was like, Amy, come here. You have to listen to this because fans or viewers would leave messages on our voice.

21:20Did you have that in your first newsroom? So people could actually leave a voicemail for you to tell you what they thought of your reporter, whatever. Those were the days. They used to be fun. You're like, oh, God, what are these? Oh, I just remembered how many times you get crazy. Crazy, crazy voicemails left behind. And then the higher up you go, then you have more of a disconnect with the audience. They don't have direct access to you. But I can remember those newsrooms. And having that, I can see the phone sitting on my desk and the lights that were flat. I'm sorry, we kind of got off topic. But yes, those were the days. But you could get a lot of backhanded compliments. Erica played this for me. And a viewer decided it was going to be a real nice compliment for him to leave a voicemail saying, just want to let you know I think you're real pretty for A. And then he said, colored girl. He said that, put it on the voicemail and felt good about leaving that message because he thought he was saying something nice to her. What? What? We were like, that is not real. And it was. He said, colored, right? He did. He did.

22:20But that was a four, right? Exactly. He sounded like an older gentleman. So maybe he was back in the day. You are so pretty. Four. Four. So if you are going to give someone a compliment and you start to say the word four, stop. Abort. Abort. Do not continue the sentence. You know what? That's a very good rule. Keep that in your back pocket. Take a beat. I thought of another one as you were sitting here in California. You had a really nice big white Tahoe, nice rams on it. This whole thing. A guy actually stopped. He circled around and stopped as I was washing my truck at a car wash. Spraying the thing. You know, they'll spray. They don't have me in New York, right? No. So some people in New York are like, what the hell are you talking about? Where would you go to washing your own car? Yeah. They have those in the South. The guy circled around and comes back and asks, what do you guys do to drive such nice cars like that? He said that. Oh my God. He thought he thought was a professional athlete. We got into a back and forth. Nope. Wasn't nasty and at least bit. We actually had that conversation.

23:20Woo. And also, this isn't really a backhanded compliment. But we have seen this happen. It's definitely happened to you. Especially. And again, this is on the lines of racism. Do you work here? Just assume the person of color in a store is an employee and not a patron. The thing about that I've gotten where someone tried to cover it up. We're saying, well, you just, you address so nice that I just assumed you worked here. I'm looking around. What you're putt like a motherfucker. Nobody is in a soup near. I've gotten that before. Oh my God. We actually saw this at a very fancy wedding a couple years ago. Oh yeah. Where one of the guests, everyone was in Texas. This was a very formal wedding. So this was, this was, they will end on this one. This will take all the cake. We watched it happen. We watched it happen. It was hilarious. An older guy as well. Yes. Was it not 50, 60 maybe? It was an older white guy. And he was walking by a black couple, actually. He was with his wife, I think, in, anyway, in talks.

24:20And he looked at him and said, which way to the restroom? And to his credit, the guy in the talk said, I'm a guest at this wedding. Not an employee. But thank you. And it was, we were like, our mouths dropped. We saw it happen. I don't know why you would pick him out because we were all lumped together, all in formal wear. Why with the black? Because he was black. Because he was black. If a white guy, the white guy in the talk, he would never have assumed. Never would have asked. That was a jaw dropper. So yes, never assume someone's pregnant. Never assume someone is in employment at a store you're in. And then ask yourself, why did I make that assumption, right? And just check yourself. Check yourself. So interesting. But it's, you know, compliments all of us sometimes. I know some of this stuff was clickbait. I don't think they were really genuinely upset. I haven't seen anything else about it. But it was a moment that sparked a conversation.

25:20And a fun one at least or an interesting one. And maybe even an important one. I think so. Well, yeah. I actually appreciated this. You were the one pushing for this episode. Oh, maybe. Look at that. This makes sense. Yes. And look, you can go online. I was laughing. There's like a whole list of backhanded compliments. And I know we ended up with that fun story. But I thought that you're not as dumb as you look. I think people say that in just. I say that about myself. That is meant to be an insult. Yes. And you know what? Thank you for bringing that up. Because I just wanted to end on this now. We keep saying we're ending. But I thought this was so interesting. There are two types of backhanded compliments. The one where people don't intend for it to be negative. They intend it to be a compliment. And then there's the other kind where it is absolutely intentional. It is absolutely intentional. And you can smell the difference between the two. Of course you can. So be careful about that there, compliment folks. The rule again, if you have to use four, you're messing up. You don't say anything about anybody's weight,

26:20no matter if they gained it or lost it. Correct. And you know what? Just stay away from women's age. This is just a general rule. That's probably a good one. And then don't use actually or surprisingly. I thought those were great tips. Hey, we're here to help. More, you know. Always appreciate you hanging out with us folks. We're my dear Amy Robock. I'm TJ Holmes. We'll talk to you all soon. Success starts with your drive. An American public university is here to fuel it. With affordable tuition and over 200 flexible online programs, APU helps you gain the skills and confidence to move forward. Whether you're changing careers, starting fresh or pursuing a lifelong passion, APU's programs are designed for people who never stop. You bring the fire, APU will fuel the journey. Learn more at apu.apus.edu. This is Julian Edelman from Games with Names. I want to take a second to talk about something that's personal to me.

27:23I've had the privilege of working closely with Robert Kraft for a long time. And one thing I've always respected is how seriously he takes up standing up to hate. As a Jewish athlete, my identity is something I am proud of. But I also know what it feels like to be singled out for it. That's why this new commercial for the Blue Square Alliance against hate, that aired during the big game really hit home. It's about showing up for someone when they're targeted, even if you don't have the perfect words. And sometimes standing next to someone is enough. And you can show support by sharing the Blue Square. This is Sophia Bush from Work in Progress with Sophia Bush. Bring the good with avocados from Mexico. Upgrade your meals, your get-togethers, even your everyday life. Give your moments a little glow up. Either one, everyone's glad showed up. Because avocados from Mexico spark the joy with every bite. And by the way, they're good for you too. So elevate your everyday.

28:24Bring the good flavor. So rich and cravable. Avocados from Mexico. Always good. This is Bowen Yang from Los Cultures, with Matt Rodgers and Bowen Yang. We all know the feeling when life gets really busy, taking care of yourself can feel impossible. That's why Premiere Protein Shakes are my go-to. They have 30 grams of protein, 160 calories, no added sugar, and they taste amazing. So they're a healthy choice you'll actually want to make. It's not just for fitness, it's for getting after life. Premiere Protein powers me to say yes to more. Find your favorite flavor at premierprotein.com. That's P-R-E-M-I-E-R protein.com. This is Martha Stewart from the Martha Stewart Podcast. Ever wonder how to make hosting look effortless? Here's a secret. When prepping for cooking and baking, get ahead of the mess. With new Reynolds Kitchens countertop prep paper.

29:24Just lightly wet the counter so the paper grips. Lay it down and drips and spills stay on the paper, not on your counter. Cleanup is as simple as lifting it away to reveal clean counters. Effortless, it is. Thanks to Reynolds Kitchens countertop prep paper. Wet it, set it, prep it, done. Available in the Reynolds Wrap aisle at Walmart. This is an iHeart Podcast. Guaranteed Human.