Chris and Lisa: Why Not to Stay Together 'for the Kids'

"I'll stay until the kids are grown." Chris and Lisa both believed a version of that once, and both now spend their days with people wrestling with the same line. This episode is their case for why, when a relationship is abusive, staying for the kids usually costs the kids more than it protects them.

This is a founders episode, no guest, just Chris and Lisa working through the material from their own "dangers of staying" workshop. Lisa, a state-certified domestic violence advocate, was married for eighteen years and stayed two more after she knew it was over, in part because her ex kept telling her that leaving would break up the family and it would be her fault. Chris, a certified high-conflict divorce coach, says his ex leaving him may have been the thing that got him out at all. They bring both the female and the male side of getting out.

They describe how living inside abuse affects children, and they deliberately keep it grounded rather than reciting frightening percentages: the stress that shows up as physical symptoms, the anxiety and jumpiness, the complex PTSD that comes from trauma layered on trauma, and how often a struggling child at home gets labeled with ADHD when the real driver is what is happening between the parents. Their reassurance is real: the question they field most is whether the kids will be okay, and the answer is usually yes, as long as the safer parent does the extra work and the child gets support.

The rest is about the decision itself. A toxic co-parent will often block a child's therapy, which tends to backfire because courts generally want kids in therapy during a separation. Leaving carries its own risks, so knowing your rights and having a parenting plan and an exit plan first matters as much as the decision to leave. And there is a upside they have both watched in their own kids: children who learn boundaries earlier, and carry them for life.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why "staying for the kids" is often the manipulation that keeps a target in an abusive relationship
• Why the "I can be the buffer" belief breaks down, and what kids absorb even in a home without loud fights
• How witnessing abuse, not only being hit, shows up in kids: stress in the body, anxiety, and complex PTSD
• Why an abusive home can get misread as ADHD, and how trauma mimics it
• The question BTGO hears most from parents, "will my kids be okay?", and the honest answer
• How to counter the other parent's gaslighting by validating what your child sees, without disparaging their parent
• Why a toxic co-parent blocks a child's therapy, and why that usually backfires in court
• Why knowing your legal rights and having a parenting plan before you leave matters as much as the decision to leave

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Why parents stay "for the kids," and when it's manipulation
3:00 The "intact family" line, and both founders' own exits
6:00 How a toxic home shows up in kids' bodies and brains
9:00 Complex PTSD, anxiety, and sound and touch sensitivity
12:00 We model relationships for our kids, like it or not
14:00 The ADHD misdiagnosis, and trauma that mimics it
15:00 "Will my kids be okay?" and doing double duty
19:00 An abuser is an abuser: what family court misses
21:00 Blocking a child's therapy, and validating what kids see
25:00 Know your rights before you leave: safety and exit plans
29:00 Leaving is hard too, and the upside of stronger boundaries

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.