Why High-Achieving Women Struggle with Self-Doubt with Natalie Siston

0:00Whoo, here's a hot take on this week's episode. I think it's hard because we've been conditioned to play small. We've been conditioned to say don't brag. Don't make too much of a big deal about yourself. I mean, I know that is, you've talked earlier about positive intelligence, and that, for me, has been a big saboteur. It's been this voice that's telling me like, oh, you know, don't brag. Other people will feel bad about themselves. I think that's a big story a lot of us carry around. And I think, too, honestly, I want to bring this around, too, for the person listening is like, you know what, I actually want permission to slow down. Welcome everyone to the Balance Beautiful and Abundant Show. We're going from Burned Out to Balance Beautiful and Abundant.

1:04And today we have a personal friend of mine in the studio, author and speaker Natalie Assistant. Welcome to the show. I'm so excited that we're doing this for Becca. Yay. I know we've been talking about this for so many months, and today is finally the day, and it's going to be such a great conversation. So let me tell you a little bit about Natalie Assistant. She is a mindset coach, a best-selling author, and a lead at global presenter at positive intelligence. And we'll be talking a little bit about positive intelligence in the show. Her method called Permission Granted helps women stop shrinking, second guessing, and second guessing themselves and reclaim their power. We're talking about how to quiet those inner voices of self-doubt to really trust yourself and fully step into your most powerful and authentic life.

2:08So tell us your story, were you always stepping into your power and letting her out, as your book is called Let her Out, or did you have a turning point where you decided to change your life and become empowered? I think the shape of my life is probably like that of a lot of your listeners, Rebecca, where I started my life bold and brave and ambitious and spunky and full of everything. My parents will tell you this from when I was me high, you know, to the cotton, to the the corn field, right group type of thing. And I carried that through pretty well, through high school, through college, I grew up in a very, very small town, 600 people that formed a lot of my identity, and people told me going to college at Vio-Hioskate University, well, get ready to be a small fish in a big pond. And I was like, I will show you. And I was like, oh heck, no, this small fish is going to make a big splash.

3:08And I did that. So I kept the bills going through my 20s and through my 30s. And then I started, my family started having kids and then I think this is probably where people will resonate with my story. Then I just started to plateau and everything became about everybody else in my life, namely my children, my relationship, my employer, my work. And I just got to the point in my mid to late 30s where I was like, meh, eh, I literally like that's how I describe it to people because I think people understand that feeling. And so that's when I said, you know what, I know enough about myself. I know enough about motivation and developed leadership development that I want to turn this around. I was introduced to a coach at that same point in time, had no idea what coaching was. Rebecca, which is hilarious, love that I am one, I coach other coaches. And I hired this person and she helped me get that spark back. And then at the end of that, when I also became a coach myself, I came across all

4:11the journals and diaries. I had kept since I was a small child. I started a German when I was eight and I wrote diligently through my 20s. And if I read those, I was just reminded of who I was back then. And I was like, that's who the world needs now. And so in my early 40s is when I wrote my book and, you know, to myself, reclaimed who I've always been, that smunky, bold, brave person. And so I find myself back on the upswing, Rebecca. That's fantastic. So how old were you when you stepped into your power? I'd like to say I was two when I stepped into my power and I reclaimed it as 40. When you, when you were claimed it, that such a great story. And did that change the dynamic with your kids and your husband when you were empowered? Absolutely. I have two daughters. And when I started that whole journey, they were very little. I mean, they were in, I would tell people, I started writing a blog in 2016 to 10 years

5:14ago and I would do it while they were either at their swimming class. So I would get my laptop on my lap while I knew they were supervised for 30 minutes. Or I would do it when they were watching their 23 minute cartoon every night. So I learned how to do everything these very truncated periods of time, which I then came to learn that they're called the Fringe Hours. And so I grew my business while my kids were growing. Now that my daughters are teenagers, I had a birthday recently and we don't buy cards. They make them themselves. And I just read the cards that my teenage daughters wrote to me. And I said to my husband, I said, they're paying attention. And my oldest daughter said something to the effect of, I hope one day I'm passionate about something as much as you are. Beautiful. And so I know they're paying attention and I know my husband, it's enhanced our relationship because he sees me stepping forward and doing my thing. I think a lot of women get fearful of that. Like, oh, no, no, no, I need to scale back to not make my husband feel less masculine

6:18or anything like that. No, we have been in an equal partnership since we got together many, many, many years ago. There was probably challenging on your relationship when you were plateauing and feeling frustrated and burned out because you weren't as exciting or vivacious to be around. So completely, I remember vividly, there was a moment, I was on maternity leave with our second child and both of my maternity leaves coincided with me applying for new jobs. And I went in 10 days postpartum to interview for a job which is probably not legal that I really think about it, but I'm not going to sue anybody. And so I ended up not getting that job and I remember at the time my newborn was she was a rough sleeper, she didn't sleep to the night until she was 10, but that child, like I remember it was one of those nights where she just would not sleep in my husband and I met in the middle of our hallway. And I just like put my arms around and I just started sobbing.

7:19And he's like, what is wrong? And I was like, I just don't know when I'm ever going to figure this out. And looking back, that's obviously a mix of hormones from having just given birth to a child, but you combine this with that meth feeling that was starting to grow and boom, the collision of emotions arises. And yeah, that's a little bit hard to deal with, especially at two in the morning. I love this journey and that you're such a great example to your daughters. I know that one of your signature methods is called permission granted. Just explain what does permission granted mean and secondly, why is it so hard for women to do this? Oh my gosh. Well, this was the light bulb moment that I came up with most recently, as I was thinking about who am I, how do I want to show up in the world and what is really the message that I want to bring and what came forward and a lot of this came through reviewing my own

8:19work, writing, experiences, coaching, and the work permission just kept showing up over and over and over, both for myself, for my clients, from other people and audiences I've spoken to, because I find what happens is people are waiting. They're waiting to be told what to do, they're waiting for the chance, they're waiting for the tap on the shoulder. I call it when I'm speaking from stage, I call it, you're all waiting for a magic wand moment. You're all waiting for this magic fairy to come down and say, Rebecca, go ahead, take the leap, take the chance, be bold, anything that your brain is telling you, you're not worthy of. And what I finally realized at all this research and deep digging last year is the message that I want to bring to people is you are the only person who needs to grant your self permission to fill in the blank. And so that is the message that I am bringing now to stages across my social media, on videos,

9:24to remind people that you have agency. And I think the more that we show up individually giving ourselves that permission, that starts to have a big ripple effect within an organization, within a family system, within the community. Like the permission to be bigger, bolder, I like to call it main character energy. I love it. I love it. Yes. Instead of having supporting character energy, step into that main character energy, step into better stage and and people, but why is this so hard for women to do? I think it's hard because we've been conditioned to play small. We've been conditioned to say don't brag, don't don't make too much of a big deal about yourself. I mean, I know that is, you've talked earlier about positive intelligence and that for me has been a big saboteur. It's been this voice that's telling me like, oh, you know, don't brag. Other people will feel bad about themselves. I think that's a big story a lot of us carry around. And I think too, honestly, I want to bring this around too for the person listening is like, you know what?

10:24I actually want permission to slow down. I want permission to take a step back. I want permission to like, maybe I want to go to part time, maybe I want to exit the workforce. Like, there are, there could be so many different levels of, you know, you know what I'm supposed to play bigger? It can be a mission to rest. Yes. Hey, man. I read something yesterday that's like most women's, I'm going to get this wrong. You don't back check this here, but it's like most women's favorite pastime is sitting in the quiet holding a mug of coffee. Yes. I thought I was a joke. Like, I thought this was just like something to catch my attention on Instagram, but then I swiped and it was like an actual study that had that. And I was like, yes, that's one of my favorite parts of my day. Well, you think about it in the 70s. People would just lay there on the floor of their living room and listen to albums over and over again all day. And now we're getting things and things and checking like 10 different apps and emails

11:27and sitting on the floor of our living room and listening to an album for five hours is like unheard of. People would think you're crazy or on mushrooms or something. So we have just become these compulsive doers. We are and that's another part of this permission equation is, well, I can't actually slow down long enough to figure out who I want to be in the world. So to your point, give yourself permission to pause so you can reflect and figure out who that is. And I mean, that's a big part of your work is helping people really crack through. Who do I want to be in the world and where does the focus need to go in my circle and my wheel of life to make me show up that way? I think that's a huge part of why I do what I do is just because I think if I'm excited to be surrounded by people who are living their best life and are okay to go deep on that. I'm done with surface level. I'm done with like, hey, how are you?

12:28And it's like, let's go deep and let's talk about your desires. Let's talk about your dreams and let's go get up. Yeah, that's what we got along so well because, and I think Meredith for introducing us, but we both just went deep right away on a phone call and that's what I want to do. I don't have any time for a small talk. It strains my energy. So you have two major concepts that you like to speak on stage. The new one is Permission Granted and the other one, which is your number one best selling book, is Let Her Out. So what is the difference between the two concepts, Permission Granted and Let Her Out? Permission granted to me comes after the Let Her Out. So Let Her Out to me is a very much a reflective back. It's asking you through four steps to do the following, where, where remembering who she is, where we can look at the first step one, remember, and I tell people, this is looking at photos, looking at your books, watching movies from that point in time, just to like

13:30remember like, oh yeah, that's what it felt like, kind of you're, you're reflecting on listening to albums for five hours, that will be a remembering. Yeah. And it's a reconnecting and that's the getting that person back in your bones. Perhaps it's doing an activity that brought you a lot of joy when you run that part of your life. And so you can feel that feeling again, that's the reconnecting. And then we have to recognize and subsequently remove the barriers that have gotten in our way. This is the longest part of the book and I tell people, this is the biggest work of our lives. This is recognizing not only those external barriers, time, money, resources, which quite frankly, I find most people can break those down a lot more easily than the mindset barriers of imposter syndrome, loneliness, just, I have nine of them in the book that I talk about. Wow. My personal experience, let alone what other people might experience, right, add, they can add theirs onto that, but we have to get really honest with ourselves about what are the barriers that have been erected over time and then what are some processes we can

14:33do to to remove those barriers. And that's a lot of the mindset work that I do through mental fitness and other modalities. So then we can actually reclaim who she's always been and that's the fourth step to let her out. So I have reflect, reconnect, reconnect, remove the barriers and then reclaim your power. So I have the right. Remember is the first one. Be your close. Reflect and remember. I love it. Yep. Of course. Of your favorite mental fitness exercises that you could teach us on the podcast, it don't take a lot of time to, maybe it's one. Absolutely. All right. So we'll dig into a little bit of the work I do on behalf of positive intelligence as well. So there's something really important that we need to all be building in our brain and it's called building self command, us being in charge of our mind versus our mind being in charge of us. And you said something earlier that I'm resonated with me, the things, things and all

15:33things. As I call them, that has totally gotten us hijacked. Our brains are not acting as they used to because there is so much in the way. So one of the most effective ways to get back into our body and disconnect from our churning mind is to just get into somatic experience. So Rebecca, do you actually want me to just guide through like a minute of an action quick commercial break? And when we will come back and you can guide me through this exercise and the listeners can learn from my experience, I'll be your guinea pig, guys. We're so excited to learn about mental fitness right after this commercial break. So stay tuned. Do you remember somber parties as a kid wearing pajamas, laughing until midnight, eating delicious food and feeling completely free before the bills, the responsibilities and the pressure of adult life? What if you could experience that magic again as an adult?

16:34On February 27th and 28th, I'm hosting the second soulful slumber party in Cincinnati, Ohio. The first one sold out and this experience is truly unforgettable. You'll receive luxury silk pajamas and night at a beautiful hotel, a sacred kickhouse ceremony, a gentle yoga session, a professional photo shoot, my signature seven pillars of abundance workshop and an elegant dinner party with an incredible group of like-minded women. This is your chance to reconnect with your joy, your vision and yourself. If you feel called, apply through the link in the show notes, I'll see you at the slumber party. Hey there, it's Rebecca, your magnetic abundance mentor. Let me ask you something. Are you feeling stuck, burned out, or like life just isn't as juicy as you know it can be? If you're nodding right along, it's time for a breakthrough. My coaching program is designed to help you align your life in all seven pillars of

17:38abundance, spiritual, physical, emotional, romantic, mental, social and financial. So you can finally live that big, bold, sexy and adventurous life you deserve. And here's the best part, I'm inviting you to schedule a breakthrough call with me. No pressure, no sales gimmicks, just a genuine chance to experience my coaching firsthand and get crystal clear on what is next for you. Because your best life is not a someday thing, it's our right now thing. So click the link in the show notes to book your breakthrough call and let's start making magic together. Your next level is calling you. This podcast review is from Bring It On and she says that the balance, beautiful and abundant show is amazing and inspiring. She goes on to say, I believe this show is a place where women can come and really

18:39learn and grow. Rebecca creates a strong and safe space for women to share and be vulnerable. I highly recommend this podcast. Thank you so much and it is absolutely a safe place for all women to come and learn. Thanks for being a great listener. Welcome back to the show. We're going to do an exercise on mental fitness. I am ready. Okay. I'm going to guide you through a minute or so of what we call PQ reps, PQ being the short term for positive intelligence. And so if you're to all the listeners, if you are in a place where you can be still and then do this along with us, please I invite you to do that, especially if you're doing dishes or you're in the middle of your morning routine, like just stop and just do this with Rebecca and I. So I'm going to invite you Rebecca to close your eyes. I'll do the same with our closed. I want you to feel firmly rooted to the ground, your feet on the floor, your seat on a chair

19:42if you are seated, just feel that feeling of being connected to the earth. And with that feeling of solidity underneath you, I want you to take two fingertips and rub them together with such attention that you can feel the fingertip ridges on either finger. Okay. You can release that sensation. Now let's focus on your sense of hearing. So listen for the farthest sound in your environment. What is the farthest away sound you can hear? Now focus on the closest sound you can hear. And if you haven't noticed the sound of your own breathing, focus on that sound if you take one deep breath to end this practice.

20:46So grounding. Yes. So usually what I do is ask people in this moment, how do you feel after a minute or two? Very calm and very centered. Excellent. There you go. Well thank you for those who listeners who played along with our brain recentering. So what we just did is we, we quieted our overthinking, tends to be in our left brain. There are heavy analytical mode. And we hopefully opened up the capacity for our right brain to release more creativity, more connection, more innovation, more calmness. And I invite everyone, do this several times throughout the day. It doesn't take long and you can do any of those we did. We felt our feet on the floor. That could be one moment. We did the breathing. We felt our fingertips for a lot of people they love that. All I have to do is just really just be in my body and feel my fingertips. So any of those alone can help us achieve this self command.

21:51I love it. So why do you think we're post-feminism? Women are earning money. A lot of them are successful entrepreneurs. Why are women, especially high achieving women, still second-guessing themselves? It's something called a sabbatore. Because I'm going to keep digging into this mental fitness trend out. So this is universal. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. I think, well, since we're talking to the woman right now, we have been preconditioned and it's created negative thought patterns that, and all of us have a proper dominant negative thought pattern, which are called sabbatores. And so I think for women, we have the sabbatore that's layered in expectation, but also layered in protection and safety. And so when you combine the two of those together, it just really does shrink us down. Because these sabbatores came about when we were much younger, many times for actual protection.

22:53There's like, there is physical or perceived harm in your surroundings. So we're going to make sure you're hyper-vigilant. We're going to make sure you're perfect. We're going to make sure you're taking care of everybody else. That's a protective mechanism. Coping mechanism. Yeah, absolutely. They're coping mechanisms. They help us survive. And for a lot of people, they also help us succeed. And the lie that we are telling ourselves, women are telling ourselves, is like, OK, if I don't fill in the blank, no one else will, and that perpetuates the sabbatore, so if I don't show up and take care of everybody, it's all going to fall apart. If I don't step forward and take charge, nothing will happen. If I don't keep achieving, if I don't keep earning the next level on the wrong, I have no worth. And so a lot of it comes with protection, and then it also ties into our worth. And when you bring the two of those together, you just have an explosion of shrinking down,

23:55showing up small, second-guessing ourselves. Maybe you can coach me through this methodology. I know your daughter's a competitive soccer player. I grew up as a competitive tennis player. I played one year for Princeton quit, because I burned out, and took a 30-year hiatus. I just came back to it, and in order for me to play a lot at this club, I get to be on a competitive team. And these women take these matches very seriously. And I'm finding myself getting so nervous to the point where I'm running to the bathroom all morning, and I have butterflies in my stomach. So which sabbatore am I listening to, and how do I get rid of it? Well, you can actually go online and take an assessment. This goes to all your listeners at the Positive Intelligence website. Yours could be a lot of here. No, it's not. You should be menu. So it's positiveintelligence.com.

24:55And when you go there, you just click sabbatores, and there's an assessment. If someone wants a debrief and a deeper read, they can connect with me directly. I can send them a personalized link. Just reach out to me at NatalieSystem.com. Either way, works. But we would identify. So just tell me a little bit more like, why are you running to the restroom? Like, what's causing the churn? Give me the flavor of what you're saying. Because I'm nervous about how I'm going to play. If I'm going to win. If I'm going to let my doubles partner down. Got it. So you've got some likely some hyperachiever sabbatore going on. And this paper, I'm a hyperachiever. I have been on my life. So this connects your self-worth to your achievements. Yes. And so what you have to do is, this is going to sound more prescriptive than coaching. Okay, and coach, we're going to do a deeper. So first and foremost, we have to do that experience I just walked you through. And this is this step that so many people skipped.

25:58Because in our rational brain, like, I can just think my way out of this. I can just force my way to not have to be nervous. No, no, it's the opposite. We actually have to fully get into our bodies and disconnect from the churning thought of, oh, I'm going to let my partner down. Oh, I'm going to let myself down. Oh, if I lose this, they're going to kick me out of this competitive thing that I'm going to lose my spot in this club. And then who am I going to bring ourselves all the way down. So this is really to think about like, what can I do to bring some joy to the situation? What can I? What's the best thing that can happen out of this scenario? So it's flipping the thinking. And for anyone in an athletic adventure, yes, you're right. My daughter does play competitive soccer. She is not up from mother's coaching, unfortunately. What we've invited her and her whole team to do is get into a really strong visualization practice. And so what comes after the reps we did earlier is actually stepping into what's called sage. And that is the positive thinking region of our brain.

26:59And we can build that up. We can build the gray matter in that section of our brain through visualization practices. So for you, Rebecca, it's really what are you doing in the days leading up to that match to visualize yourself on court, to visualize yourself, making the serves, returning the passes. I don't know, tennis, that's where I'll stop with my technical knowledge of tennis. But how are you visualizing that? So that way, when you show up, you can fully be in your body. Because we know for athletes and really any performer of any kind, you have to detach from the turning brain and be fully present in your physical activity. That can be true for everything. We want that to be true for everything in life, whether you're in a business meeting, you're checking your email, you're cooking dinner, you're doing it. Me, I know you're, me. Yeah, I can't be thinking about what might go wrong while also delivering a present to you. And people will feel that the energetic field will be off. And so for anyone who's performing in any sense,

28:00it's how can I be fully in my body and get the chance stopped? And we do that by centering ourselves, by calming ourselves. And we have more of an opportunity to show up really strongly. And we've seen a lot of athletes, this changes their game. Because they do this on the field or on the court. So what my husband is, so my husband actually coaches my daughter sought competitive center team. And so what we've, and I work with him to help him give these exercises to the team, he has them decide on a physical sensation that they want to take part in. So he wants them to learn how to shake off a bad play. Because in soccer, it moves so quickly. There's bad plays all the time. And then some girls bend down and touch the grass. Others like rub their shin guards. Others like tap their elbows. So he has them come up with a movement that's their reset.

29:00So it's really a reset, yeah. That's powerful because it's always like the next player, the next shot, and letting go of the one in the past. And so you have a ritual, whatever that is to mean, okay, next point. Exactly. So it's coming into the game. You visualized the best outcome. And during the game, the match, you have some kind of ritual that you can shake off the previous serve that didn't go well. You could just let it go. I love this. So good. Let's talk about their nine saboteurs and positive intelligence. Let's talk about each one. And maybe describe one, describe them in what you sentence is. I can for sure do that. Well, there's a sneaky tenth saboteur called the judge. And the reason that we don't point that out, and you won't find that on the assessment, is because we all have it. Yay, win, you all win. But this is the big voice. This is probably the biggest voice that's been holding you back your whole life. And that really does start in that childhood to protect you. So just be aware of your big voice that you have.

30:03So, and then it plays along to your point, one of these nine accomplice saboteurs. So I'm going to try to get them an alphabetical order. Let's see if I can do this. Eight, no. We have an avoider saboteur with just rather not, would not rather step into the conflict, whether or not take the action or the hard task. And so we just, and then the reason that they're doing this, is they want life to remain just calm and pleasant. But what we know is that the longer you avoid, the more stress builds. So you have to learn how to take that action. So that's your avoider saboteur. Controller saboteur, die-match-billy opposite, wants to take charge, take control, and just have it their way. And a lot of people fight me on this one. Well, if I didn't do it, nothing will be done. And I'll say the controller is operating out of fear. Fear that they won't look good or fear that their team won't perform. And there is no greater disconnection than fear. Yes. You can only do that so long when people fall apart. So that is the relationship, explosions that happen with controller are huge.

31:04Then we have three saboteurs that start with hyper. We have hyperachiever. We've already talked about that a little bit. That's the person that's reaching for a trophy, holding an arm full of trophies already. This is just wanting to go because my worth is tied to my achievement. And this is really asking yourself, like, what's truly important life? Then we have a hyper-rational saboteur. This is the person who likes to think that their life is black, white, right, wrong. Yes, no. Which would be lovely, except we live in a maybe-ing-brae world with full of human emotions. And so we need to allow ourselves to understand human emotion if we have that saboteur. Then we have hyper-vigilant. This is the person that's always waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is constant fear, constant worry, constant anxiety. Vigilance is great, but hyper-vigilance means I have plan A through Z, not just plan A and B. Yeah. Exhausting. Then we have the pleaser saboteur, which probably many of your listeners can identify with.

32:04This is the pleaser saboteur. I'm going to take care of everybody except myself. And one day I wake up and I ask, when is it going to be my turn to be taken care of? And that is where resentment and burnout set in. We need to just take care of ourselves first, and that's not selfish. Then we have something called the restless saboteur. This is go, go, go, do, do, do. For two reasons. One is FOMO, fear of missing out. You've got to chase the next thing. And the other is, this is huge. And I would say, like, hold on to this one. This is your quotable moment. I will stay in motion so that I don't have to feel emotion. Good work. Two more, stickler saboteur. 100% of 100% needs to be perfect. Perfectionism and the invitation here is find the 20% that needs to be perfect and let the other 80% be good enough. What's that one called? The stickler. So let 25% with 20% that needs to be perfect

33:06and let the other 80% be good enough. And we will put up with the victim saboteur. This is a quiet saboteur. This saboteur feels like it receives love by being rescued and cared for. So most people don't identify with that one. But let me tell you, when you wake up and have a victim day, it feels really foreign and like, who am I to not be able to take care of myself, a while, a sudden, do I want everyone to rescue me? So that's what the victim saboteur feels like. So which ones do you identify with? At mine have shifted. Because I've been doing this work for six years, it's been a long time. I really have a high stickler and high restless. Those tend to be my top two. The the avoider and hyperachiever can sneak in though as well. So it just kind of depends on the day and because I do the work, I can pretty quickly catch them, get myself centered and say, take a hike and get out of my way. That's what you're supposed to say when they show up?

34:08Well, I do. And because I present on stage a lot, I'm like, I grab it. I'm like, I grab it. I intercept them like, okay, I see you. And I'm going to breathe. I'm going to take three deep breaths. I'm going to recognize that this is what's happening. Because so much of us, because we're on this autopilot Rebecca, we don't recognize this is what is happening. And so for anyone listening and being introduced for the first time, like your greatest stuff is self-awareness. Your greatest stuff is saying, oh my gosh, that's not the saboteur is not you. You have a saboteur that you are beautiful sage. You have a saboteur. You can tell that saboteur to quiet down and take a hike as I do. That allows space for that sage to show up fully. Beautiful. We are going to take a quick commercial break. And when we come back, we are going to talk about the judge saboteur and why they sound so convincing. Thanks everyone for listening. We'll be right back. Okay, can I be real for a second?

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37:11We are talking about the positive intelligence framework and Natalie was just telling us we have nine saboteurs and the 10 point everybody has. It's called the judge. Why does that judge sound so convincing when we hear it? Yes. It sounds so convincing because it's been hanging around with us for a very long time and it makes three different cases. It is truly like the lawyer and the jury all wrapped in one in your head. So the judge is operating on three modes. And so the first mode of the judge is judge of self, which for most of us I think is really, we understand that. Like I say it's the finger pointing inward. All the blame is on me for everything is going wrong in my life. And so we hear that through words like imposter syndrome, gremlin, limiting belief. That is very much judge of self. Then we have judge of others. And this is that finger pointing outward. This is saying everyone else is to blame for the things that are going wrong in my life.

38:12And sometimes that's a specific other. And sometimes that is a proverbial other. And then we have a judge, the third mode of the judge. A lot of people don't think about this, but I think it's really prevalent right now. This is judge of events and circumstances. And this is saying I will be happy when, fill in the blank. I'll be happy when I get the promotion. I'll be happy when I get my business started. I'll be happy when I get my new house, my new car, my kids have graduated, my kids are sleeping to the night. We make our happiness conditional. I think when people do that, it's like their life becomes the donkey chasing the carrot. And they never get to experience happiness because they're like, I will be happy when I. And then it's always just ahead of them. Exactly. How do we quiet the judge the way you just said, take it by the neck and kick its ass? Almost first, first, first. We do those self command exercises,

39:13the three deep breaths. I'm just saying that because so many people want to skip that step. They want to go right from saboteur to sage. And so what we do is we invite the self command, we find what works for us. And then what we do is ask ourselves the question, or we adopt something called the sage perspective, which is seeing that every challenge can be converted into a gift or opportunity. And so this is seeing that whatever that circumstances that you're judging is saying, how can I turn this quote, bad thing into a gift or opportunity? And it really helps us evaluate, I mean, how serious we take life sometimes. So, you know, I don't want to minimize this at all. But like, the sage perspective is something like we get stuck in traffic. It's like, is this really worth me getting mad about? Okay, I'll convert that into being able to listen to my podcast longer. And so letting that one go quickly. And then, you know, the bigger the challenge, the longer it might take to realize that gift or opportunity. But it's really inviting that mindset into our lives to say,

40:17there's a cycle to things. And it doesn't mean I can't take action. We're actually mad at all. But it's just inviting the stability that this challenge can be converted into a gift and opportunity. And then there's a whole framework. There's a book on this topic. I did not write it, but it's the book called Positive Intelligence. But there are five different sage powers. Sure, sad. What's his last name? Sure, sad. Shemin is the author and founder and creator of this framework. And there are five different what we call sage powers to help you take that, to help you get to that sage perspective. So it could be something like getting into activate mode where you're taking calm, clear-headed, laser-focused action. It could be something like visioning the future. Like, what is, what would my wiser, elder self tell me is most important right now? They can be just getting really curious. Would detached from any negative energy, just being super curious, exploring, inviting innovation, inviting ideas in a really safe way.

41:17And then number one, and I'll actually unveil my tattoos to you here. So I think I'm the only person that I've identified. So far, I've gotten two tattoos that are going to be there for me. So on my wrist, I have the words choose love. Yes. And that is my reminder of empathy. Remind you to do love over fear? Exactly. And this is empathy is the number one way we can get overcome the judge. So it's reminding myself, like, what is the most compassionate and loving thing I can say to myself or other people in this situation? What is the most compassionate, leaving thing I can say to myself or other people in this situation? That's the reminder of choosing love. And then I just recently this year got a tattoo that says, just keep going on my other arm. What's it mean? So I feel like this is to overcome that avoid a saboteur, the hyperachiever saboteur, the hyper-vigilant saboteur. So often we just get frozen, we stop momentum.

42:18And I know you have a lot of women who own their own businesses listening to your podcast. And I would say they would all recognize the moments where you're like, I'm tired. Like, I just want to stop. And I have seen, because I've run my own business stuff for 10 years, those stops, that is just, for me, it's a dangerous place to be, because it takes so much longer to get that momentum cranking again. And so I had this tattoo made as a reminder to myself and other people to just keep going. So it can have a business meeting or it could just have a meeting on, you're so important, you need to just keep going, no matter the odds that are against you. It's okay to arrest and take breaks, but don't stop. Exactly. It might mean slowing down, it might mean backing off, but it's like, don't give up the dream, don't stop talking about what it is you're trying to do in the world. Just keep breathing air into it in whatever way that you can in that moment, but whatever you do, don't stop.

43:19How did you discover Shorzad's teaching positive intelligence? Like most things that happened in life that are truly, you know, life changing, it was a little bit of an accident. I was invited by a coach I worked with in 2019 to experience the positive intelligence program. It's an app-guided, peer-supported, oftentimes coach-led program. And so I did it at the beginning of 2020, Rebecca. I participated just as a person in the world wanting to learn a new methodology. And within two weeks, I think I could feel my brain chemistry changing. Just more things seemed possible. I was open to more ideas, my creativity was starting to surge. And I, during the very early days of the pandemic, I held up the book, which is, I don't know, people can see, if you're watching on video, you see it behind me, but otherwise, I held up the positive intelligence book on a LinkedIn video and said, this is one of the things that's helping me get to these early days of the pandemic.

44:20And I tagged him and his team in it and they reached out. And they said, let's talk, because at the time I was leading a large coaching function at a Fortune 100 company. And from there, we began conversations. And by middle of 2020, I found myself leaving my corporate job to go help them stand up their coaching program. And I've been with them in different capacities for the past six years, now as lead global presenter, meaning I do just that. I go wherever they might need me to present these concepts to audiences through key notes, workshops, virtual in-person next week alone. I'll be on four different stages to talk about this. Yeah. That's so great. So, what is the first step for women to break free from their saboteurs? Is it to know what they are and take the quiz or just, what would you say? Yeah, I'll walk you through the, it's considered an operating system. And it's not hard. Everything that I'm teaching to me is like, it is, it is simple, but not easy.

45:26That's my team for 2026 is simple, but not easy. We, so take this for the level you want to dig into it and see how many days you can be successful implementing the following four steps. So the first step is to just recognize that you are in saboteur mode. You don't have to know which one it is. You just have to know I am feeling negative emotion. I'm feeling stressed. I'm feeling frustrated. I'm angry or whatever. You feel a blank. I recommend that step one. Just recognize it. Step two, stop and do some of those PQ reps and inform any length, just stop and do that. And then the third is to assume the sage perspective that every challenge can be converted into a gift and opportunity. So it's saying to yourself, okay, this two shall pass. There's something that's going to come out of this. And then the fourth step, which we don't have time to get into on your podcast. I'm welcome to any conversations after this for listeners who are interested. We adopt one or more of those sage powers to help make that gift become possible.

46:29What's your favorite sage power? I love what's called sage power navigate and the key question that we ask and navigate is at the end of my look at the end of my life looking back what truly matters. Beautiful. That's a great question. If someone is feeling really stuck and powerless and not letting her out, how can she give herself permission granted? A couple of ways. So if you're by yourself and you're not surrounded by other people, it's definitely doing some of these techniques that I just recommended. And if you're around people or you have the ability to be around other people, whether that's in person or via a phone call or text, I mean, my recommendation is go find a peer, go find a trusted friend that you can send a message to that you can just call and say, I need a minute. I had a friend do that for me this morning. They're like, hey, I just I need I need some help

47:30prioritizing. Can we talk? Is it absolutely? So we spent 20 minutes together and we helped each other. And she's like, I'm some really grateful for this because I and I send her, I said, I know because you're sitting in your condo all by yourself and left your own devices, you're thinking it's the end of the world. I'm never going to get this stuff done. Sometimes you just need to speak it out loud. And so it's regulate your body and then find the support system who can help you through whatever the challenge is that you're facing. Those to me are the two keys to letting her out to giving yourself permission. And I think you'll find it easier to do those two things, the more you practice being in your body and relying on a really, really strong support system. Great. Great answer. Let's do a couple quick rapid fire. Your personal non-negotiable daily mindset practice. Meditation with my red light machine. Nice you're doing using and meditation at the same

48:34time. I do. Stacking those habits. Love it. Love it. One habit that builds confidence the fastest. For me writing. Journaling? Journaling, writing, sharing my writing out in the world. Beautiful. Do you still have a blog? I do. I do. Where is it? NatalieSystem.com. I also do LinkedIn newsletter. E newsletter. It all is the same content. They just live in all the places. So your repurpose? I do. Repurpose. And I publish that every other week. Great. Which saboteur is worse for yourself personally and then women as a whole? People pleasing or perfectionism? My goodness. It's a close tie. I think it it depends, right? Like if you're talking to my teenage daughters, they're going to say perfectionism because I they never load the dishwasher correctly. However, I think the people pleasing steals more time and heart space from us.

49:42Great. How can we overcome people, please? And I know you just went through it, but just quickly, how do you when you get into that people, please, and know what do you tell yourself? Is to ask yourself, what do I want in this situation? And like, be honest with yourself and and honor what it is that comes up for you. Is it hard for you to say no to people in set boundaries still? It depends. It depends on the person. It depends on the situation. But I'm getting much better. Great. Well, this was a great interview. I know my listeners are going to want to stay in touch and learn more about your book and where can they find you? They can find me at NatalieSysten.com. That's S-I-S-T-O-N and let her out.com and on the socials same way. And again, where can they take that positive intelligence quiz? They can go to positiveintelligence.com and it clicks sabitours.

50:43Fantastic. Well, thank you so much Natalie for being on the show. Thank you listeners for sharing this show and spreading the message that you can be a high achiever through alignment, not the hustling grind. And until we meet again, keep your vibe high and magnetize. Bye, everyone. So excited to share a review from Melissa Meyers, the glow girl. She says inspiring podcast. Rebecca has a gift for creating meaningful and powering conversations that leave you feeling inspired and uplifted. Balance beautiful abundant is like sitting down with a wise soulful friend who truly wants you to thrive in every area of your life. I love how she blends practical advice with spiritual insights. I'm so grateful I found it. Well, Melissa, we're so grateful that you found us

51:45and we can't wait to find out how you are glowing and growing by using this podcast as a tool and everybody who is listening and sharing. Thank you so much for your support and it's such a joy to be on this journey with you.