Wherefore Art Thou, Romeo?: FACES: Guys with Skills

0:00Batman doesn't do ships, as in you. You...complete me. Yeah, I'm a murderer! I'm George. George McVeigh. I'm your density. It's not about the nail. No matter when, no matter who. Any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet. You're listening to Where For Art thou Romeo? The show that discusses how to navigate romantic relationships and how to achieve a need between the extremes of hook-up culture and over discern dating. Here's your host, Emily Shuddy. Welcome to Where For Art thou Romeo? The show where we talk about how to follow your heart without losing your mind. My name is Emily Shuddy and my co-host is licensed marriage therapist and also my dad Greg Shuddy. We're all navigating relationships every day, but sometimes the most intimate are also the most challenging.

1:02Our goal is to help you get out of your own head when it comes to your, or even your friend's relationship questions and concerns. Greg, it's great to be back talking about relationships. Yeah, it seems like something I do all the time. I don't know, yeah. I can attest to this. And some people get tired of me talking about relationships and comparing everything to relationships. And you know, it's just the equivalent of someone doing any other type of job. Just the thing is, it's on the brain. And so that's how you see the world, see the world. And so I think there are worse ways to see the world than through the lens of relationship, just because we all are in one at some point. And it's not, you don't ever have to be in a romantic relationship to be in a relationship with people. And you know, I have a cupid or stupid moment that I'm going to share. And part of this is just, okay, you know, something that was revealing to me about my own heart more than anything else and the desires that I have

2:05just as a human being. So I was out and about and I ran into a guy friend of mine and we were just chatting and it was like super chill. We were having a great conversation. And I was headed back to the dorm and as we were leaving, he was like, oh, where are you headed? And I said, I am heading back to my dorm. And he said, oh, great, have a good night. And he had driven. So he had his car there. And I was like, okay, good night. Sniff. And so we part ways. And I head back to the dorm and I was just walking. And I was like, this is so sad. I feel like I'm just always walking alone. And like it would have been really nice if he'd offered me a ride. Like it didn't have to be anything, you know, I don't know. Romantic, it purely was just like, it would have been nice if someone had, you know, recognized that it, that I, you know, might appreciate something like that. So I was walking home feeling a little lonely.

3:07And the next couple days I was like, this is just, I don't know, I'm sad. And I'm feeling all the big emotions. And that's okay. I'm just, you know, it's kind of silly. This is just silly of me. I really shouldn't be feeling this way. And I was talking to Brock Lutz, who is a counselor here at Hillsdale in our Health and Wellness Center. And I was expressing this to him. I was, I was explaining to him and he was like, you know, you really got to stop looking at these types of feelings that you're having and just writing them off as, oh, that was me just being an emotional woman. Because women have these emotions, I mean, men too, but women maybe have them a little bit more radically, seemingly. But like, that is actually telling you something about a deep desire in your heart. Like you in that moment had a deep desire to be seen and recognized and loved and like your needs cared for in some way. And that's no bad thing. Like that's actually really beautiful

4:08to have that recognition and, and, you know, to recognize that that wasn't met in that moment. And maybe the guys should have offered me a ride. But at the same time, maybe he was like, I don't know, maybe this is like weird. Maybe she'll take it wrong. So there are so many things that could have been going on in his head. He's probably not even given that a second thought, which is the funny thing. He's probably not thinking about that anymore. But it was just, it was a very interesting moment for me to kind of recognize like, okay, actually, it's okay for me to have that desire to be seen and loved in those little ways. And to recognize, I have someone recognize my need and it's okay to be a little sad about walking home alone all the time. So that's my cupid or stupid moment. Yeah, and I think it's one of those, you know, we can sit here and go, okay, who's cupid, who was stupid, who was, you know, and actually this is just a common occurrence. Because it's the head game. It's the, you know, who knows what was playing out in both? Well, I'm hearing what was playing out in your head. But, you know, could it have been someone

5:11who was just like, didn't think much about, she's like, oh, okay, you're leaving to see a good night. Is it someone that's like, oh, I, you'd like to ask them to, you know, I'll drive them home. But what would that look like again, overthinking it? You just never know. And I think that's the hard part. But the beauty is what you just talked about there is also something that plays out in marriage, which is when we have an expectation, but it's not realized because it's not put out there. And how often, you know, we walk away, disappointed in something that we expected, but the other person didn't. Yeah. So I think that that's a huge lesson in this. Now, I'm looking back when I was in college, but this was more me. And I think maybe it also says something about a person, but not necessarily. Because, you know, back in college, I was always the one that was opening doors for people. But that was a choice I made early on in my high school career,

6:12but that was also part of who I am as a person. I like to do for other people. And so I said, you know, I want to be chivalrous and do these kind of things. So there's a lot of components to this. One is it could tell you something about the person. It also could be that we have to be careful. Like Brock said, with these expectations, yeah. You had these feelings for a reason, but should we be saying something to the other person? And if not, should we be walking away, beating ourselves up or beating that other person up? That makes sense. Yeah, no, absolutely. And I've actually, you know, it's so funny that you say that because this is a conversation. I just came away from having this conversation with someone, but actually with several people because I've just been reminded over and over and over again in the past several weeks that both, you are supposed to ask God for things. And sometimes for big things, like He actually wants that. But then also you should be asking your friends for things.

7:12You're like, I need to ask, okay, I'm having a really hard day. So and so, can you find me and give me a hug at some point today? Because I'm just having a hard day or so and so, can we go get coffee? I really need to talk and I have something to tell you. Just being very clear about what your needs are because otherwise you're just expecting them to know and then you're disappointed when they don't meet that expectation. And I think, yeah, just like that conversation with several friends recently, we're almost, there's almost this fear to ask people for things for some reason. I don't know if it's pride or worry about what they're gonna think. But then if you consider the fact that if someone asked you that question, what's your reaction would be, usually it's not gonna be like, oh my gosh, why'd they ask for help? It's more of a, wow, thank you for asking. And they bringing me into that moment in your life and being willing to be vulnerable with me about that. So, as obviously. Well, now let's play that out into a relationship

8:14because last week or last time we were talking about communication and this is something that we'll carry into marriage. And often now you see it in marriage is where, because of fear, we don't say things or because we don't filter what we say, things come out that probably shouldn't come out. And it's that whole head game thing. So, we put it into the, okay, people that I meet on the street. Okay, yeah, we're not gonna necessarily share our deep feelings about things. We might hope for things. But when we start dating someone, the question is, is now can this person start to communicate things with me or is everything a head game of, well, you should have said this and you didn't say this. Well, how did I know that you even wanted that? Are we sharing these things? Are we talking about it? But even in marriage that starts to happen because there's this fear that if I bring it up,

9:18I'm gonna look like the bad guy or I'm gonna look like the whiny person or I'm gonna look like the demanding person, depending on what it is. And that's why even in marriage, we're not talking about things like intimacy because it's like, oh, you don't talk about it. So, this is a good kind of segue into this whole idea of good communication and dealing with some of these things. Yeah, that's so true. Greg, we'll definitely continue talking about that. But before we do that, I just wanted to remind you that you're listening to Where For Art Thou Romeo, where we are again discussing skills of communication, especially just the nature of making sure that you are clear about what you expect from people. If you want to listen to this episode again or any of our other shows, look up Where For Art Thou Romeo on Transistor, Spotify, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your shows. I'm your host, Emily Shody and my co-host is Licensed Marriage Therapist Greg Shody here on Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7 FM. So yeah, definitely the nature of making sure

10:20that you are communicating, your expectations of people, definitely fits into this skills of communication, category of John Van Upps getting to know you acronym faces. Yeah, and let's even go back to the very beginning because again, this has been kind of a long drawn out conversation about the faces and how do we get to know someone and how do we predict what they'll be like in marriage. And so, gears, as you're listening to all of these things, it's not a perfect system, but it is a way that we don't have to just kind of blindly go into a relationship and pray that everything goes well. It gives us kind of points of reference to really look at the relationship, evaluate, is this someone that's going to be a good communicator in marriage? Can we build good, healthy skills? Or is this something that we need to work on? Or is this just someone that maybe this isn't gonna work? And that's important for how you walk through these things,

11:22but it's not just in who you look for, it's who you are also. Yeah. Too many times we're mad because they wouldn't do this for me, but when's the last time I was chivalrous? Or when was the last time I communicated in such a way that was inviting to the other person? Yeah, something I've also been thinking about is sometimes you are a very thoughtful person and you do try to go out of your way to help people. And sometimes it's hard when you do that and it doesn't seem like it's reciprocated or that other people are thoughtful. And I think it's really important if you're that kind of a personality to be careful about your expectations of other people because what they can give is gonna be a little bit different and they may need more of a clear expectation set about what they need to do for you in order to make you feel fulfilled by them. But I think that's also something to be said for people who maybe have a harder time being thoughtful

12:25because I think that being thoughtful is something that's also practiced. Like you have to work on intentionality, it doesn't just come naturally. Yeah, because you just said something that was really key here is that, okay, so I might have a personality of I care about people and I want to know what they're going through and I'll listen to them. But if we're not paying attention, sometimes it's easy to take from someone like that, but we don't always think to give to that person because they do it so well until they realize they're depleted and they're not getting anything in return. Yeah, that's so true. And that's critical. So in a relationship, can this person get out of themselves to see what need you also have in the midst of that versus, oh, they just made me feel good. I'm feeling good. I love them and I move on, but I never asked, how was your day? How are you doing? Yeah. I realize I have to be careful about this with mom because I also often call home and I'm like,

13:28mom, I'm falling apart. My life's falling apart and I'm miserable and bye, have a nice night. So it's true, like sometimes we just treat people like our therapists instead of as a person and think a person has a reasonable relationship. Yeah, but think about it with mom. With mom, you get the whole, you know, put on your big girl pants and, you know, you can do this. No, but, you know, honestly, the last couple of times I come home. But I know what you're saying. Yeah, I haven't actually gotten the big girl pants speech in a little while, which is nice. It means that like, that's good. Maybe I'm not being totally horrible and they're just like, you know, just tough issues. I have to figure out at some point. But yeah, no, it is just like, it is such a process. And I think one of the things that we wanted to touch on today, too, is that nature of conflict resolution, which we'll get to in just a minute. But just another reminder that you're listening to, wherefor arethalromio?

14:28Where we are discussing skills of communication, especially the nature of just truly being able to tell someone what you need. If you want to listen to this episode again, or any of our other shows, look up, wherefor arethalromio on Transistor, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your shows. I'm your host Emily Shuddy. And my co-host is Licensed Marriage Therapist to Greg Shuddy here on Radio Free Hillsdale, 101.7 FM. So conflict resolution, I think this is something really important to talk about because you kind of knowing your communication styles or the needs of other people is going to be kind of important in how you resolve conflict with them. Definitely. And I think that that's where it's not like a separate thing from communication. It flows from the communication. So if we're not communicating well, there's the tendency to go into conflict resolution in a poor way. So again, what often happens is we're not,

15:30if we're not communicating well. And this happens in marriage, it happens in dating, it happens in a lot of different relationships where if we're not listening, if we're not understanding, if we're not digging into what their perception is, what the other person's perception is, we lose sight of who they are and all we're left with is trying to figure out who they are based off of their nonverbal communication and their tone. And that doesn't work very well. And so we hear, sometimes we hear just enough to respond versus do we stop to go help me understand where you are with this, help me understand. And that happens as a therapist too, because I'm working with clients and I've worked with so many with the same issues. And I compare that to a spouse that feels like, I know my spouse because we've been through this several times

16:31that too often I can find myself wanting to jump in and fix versus taking the time to just get all of the information why are you feeling that way. So if I don't have all the information and something that said tweaks something in me, so there's conflict between us and automatically, I feel like you have said something that falls that I don't understand or I've got to defend, that's where we jump into being the attacker. And we talked about these three last time as attacker, avoider or assertive affirmers. And so too often we see this in relationships where we can attack or we don't attack because the other person will talk us to death. So we avoid, we withdraw. And those are two ways that just makes things worse. Versus the assertive affirmer.

17:32Yeah. That do you, I don't know, I don't think we talked about any details on that, did we? We did a little bit, I think, just kind of about some of those tendencies for those three, but we can definitely talk about that again. Okay, well let me ask you, what's your, when you hear assertive affirmers, what does that make you think of as far as conflict resolution? To me, my understanding of that is when someone is bringing something to you and maybe it's even, it's against, even against you. It's like you did this, or this is how you made me feel, being able to look at them and say, yeah, that's really hard. And I'm sorry that I made you feel like that. That wasn't my intention, or maybe it was, hopefully it wasn't, but that wasn't my intention, but I can see how that came across that way. And I'm sorry, and I would like to do better. Like how can I do that? Yeah, no, definitely. So assertive means that we're not gonna run, but it also means that we're not going to be necessarily aggressive.

18:34And we can kind of get that feeling as assertive as being aggressive. No, it's not. It means I'm going to keep in this conversation, and I want to assert myself into trying figuring out the, you know what's going on. Now the affirming part has to come out of good listening, that I'm listening to what you're thinking, what you're feeling, why you're feeling that, and affirming it so that now, okay, now that I understand, whether I agree or disagree, can we work towards what do you need, and how can we make this better? Yeah, because honestly, even if you like aren't technically in the wrong, or maybe like neither of one of you has technically done, quote unquote anything wrong, that doesn't mean that the perception of your actions wasn't taken the wrong way, and that it didn't create hurt, because I think you can't ever underestimate the fact that like, you can still cause hurt even if you didn't mean to, and you still should apologize for that, even if it wasn't your intention,

19:34and you can move forward from that. Otherwise, I think resentment just kind of builds up, and that's not helpful for any sort of relationship whatsoever. Yeah, and you can't go into a problem with the desire to win, to prove the other person wrong, to get the upper hand. It should be that we're looking to understand, and find a way to reunite, reconnect, and fix. And you really have to fight that urge, that feeling of like, I'm gonna fight back. I feel like I'm not in the wrong. Now that's hard, that can be really hard, and humbling. It's very humbling, but. And you can get to that with a good conversation. That, okay, maybe, yeah, I'm not the bad guy in this, but we can come to a better understanding. Yes, you can, but you can't start there. You can start there, so. No, no, you'll shut it down. Anyway, while we are out of time for the day, but I just wanted to remind you, all that relationships are a process. They take time and effort, and we just wanna help you balance your head and your heart.

20:34This is your friendly reminder to not be discouraged, because if you haven't found your Romeo or Juliet, practice your art skills. If you have questions that you would like us to address, please email them to eShorty at Hillsdale.edu. That's e-s-c-u-t-t-e at Hillsdale.edu, and we will discuss them in future shows. Please check us out on Spotify, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your shows to catch anything you have missed, or want to hear again. That's all for We're For Art del Romeo. I'm Emily Shoddy. And I'm Greg Shoddy. On Radio Free Hillsdale 101.7, F-N. Yolk Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho. Bring me up and I'm down, help me turn my life around. You're in my heart. And you and me, are wrong, you're my home always. I know you're in my heart.

21:37You