What's Behind Your Child's Anger?

Only 2% of the time is anger a primary feeling. That's called righteous indignation, when what you are witnessing is just...not...right. The other 98% of the time there is another feeling that the anger is covering. Since anger is the most socially acceptable negative feeling we all have, we feel better saying "I'm angry," than owning up to, "I'm frustrated, I'm embarrassed, I feel self-conscious" or other primary feelings. When your child expresses or demonstrates, active listen her feelings. When you see her emotional fever going down, then switch from this secondary feeling to her primary feeling by asking, "I understand, sweetheart, that you are angry, but what else is going on?" Now, that's kind of an essay question, and we know that most kids don't do so well with essay questions. If you get a puzzled look, a shrug, or other noncommittal response, make your essay question a multiple choice question. You know your child well enough to come up with several options for what else she is feeling. After active listening to understand all the feelings involved, and her emotional fever has subsided, you can then brainstorm things she can say or do to address her feelings constructively. "What else is going on?" is a great avenue for teachable moments.