Timeless Wisdom: Happiness Hour - People Disappointing You

0:00Hey, I'm Josh Spiegel, host of the podcast, Lunatic in the Newsroom. If you enjoy journalism that drifts into my old panic, wild overthinking, and a guaranteed nervous breakdown, Lunatic in the newsroom is for you. It's news like you've never heard before. The only newsroom with a panic button. You'll laugh, you'll cry, and gasp and horror as the show spirals completely out of control. It's not just news, it's emotionally unstable. Lunatic in the newsroom. Listen today. Welcome to Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager. Hear thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures, courses, and classic radio programs, and to purchase Dennis Prager's Rational Bibles, go to Dennis Prager.com. Okay, everybody! It is the happiness hour on the Dennis Prager Show every week. We devote an hour to the subject because it is of overwhelming importance.

1:00Let me repeat what I always tell you. It is not a selfish pursuit happiness. It can be, but it is not by definition. Nope. It is one of the most important things you can achieve in your life. It is up there with goodness and integrity and character. In fact, it's part of character. That's how big it is. Happy people make the world better. Happy people have happier children. Happy people have happier marriage. Happy people have happier work. There is everything. Everything. You have a moral obligation to be as happy as you can be. Right? Okay. I spent 10 years writing a book on happiness. Happiness is a serious problem. Is the name of the book. And that is one of the themes. How we are obligated to be as happy as we can be. And each week, I discuss another aspect of this subject. By the way, these have been for many people. At least that's what you tell me.

2:01Life-changing programs. Therefore, we have now put many of them on CDs. And you can find information about that at my website, DennisPrager.com or through my office 800-225-8584. Happiness is the subject. Now, today, I am going to revisit a subject that I have touched upon once before, just recently, in fact, only once. But the response was so overwhelming that I need to talk about it on the happiness hour, even though I talked about it on a regular hour. And the issue is people disappointing you. Yep. It's as simple as that. People disappointing you. And I, what triggered this was a letter from a listener who says he will no longer listen to me because I disappointed him. He wrote me a warm letter about how I touched his life and I never responded.

3:04The ease with which we are disappointed by others is I don't think there's anything easier that somebody can do to you than disappoint you. And I want you to think about it for a moment. I want you to think about how has anybody disappointed you? A child, a husband or wife, a friend, a co-worker, me, anybody, people in public life. I want you to think about it for a moment. How many people have disappointed you? Then I also want you to think about this. How many people have you disappointed? How are you thinking? Now, I bet you that in this world far, far more people would be on list number one than on list number two.

4:07Isn't that interesting? Think about that. If I asked you to make two lists, one list was of people that have disappointed you. And the other list was people that you have disappointed. Which list do you think would be longer? There's no comparison. I'll bet you you couldn't name three people you have disappointed. It would be a very impressive person if you could name three people that you've disappointed. And I'll bet you you could name ten who have disappointed you in your life. In fact, almost everybody you've ever known has probably disappointed you. That is the way it works. That's the way it is. We are set up to be disappointed. One eighth Prager, seven, seven, six, one eighth PRA, GER, seven, seven, six. I want to know if you, how you have dealt with this issue,

5:10how many people you feel you've disappointed, who has disappointed you. And here is why this is the happiness hour. If you walk around regularly disappointed by people, you can't be happy. Not only that, you will also make them unhappy. Disappointment is probably one of the largest obstacles to happiness that the human being has. Because everybody is there who is in your life, in effect is going to disappoint you at some point. It is almost impossible, it is almost impossible for that not to be. So how have you dealt with this? Now, let me give you a number of suggestions. Number one is to understand. I think the biggest way to deal with this is to understand that it is inevitable. He will disappoint me. She will disappoint me. My parents aren't what I really would like them to be.

6:11My spouse is often, but I just wish he or she were. And then you fill in the line. My children, I tell you, it's not what I was really hoping for. And just I get disappointed, they don't do this, they do do that. My friends, you know, they don't call, I can't really rely on them and they call too much, they call too little, they're not there when I need them, they are there when I don't need them, I don't know what you can come up with. I expected more, I expected them to do more on my birthday, I expected them to do less on my birthday, I expected, I expected. So it is, that is part of being human. Life can be an is for most people disappointing. Let's be honest, life is disappointing. Not just people, life disappoints you, by the way, and I should do that on a separate hour.

7:14God disappoints most people. Let's be honest, let us be honest that most people would like God to have done more in their lives. Everybody disappoints you. So now, in light of the fact that so many people on God himself disappoints us, maybe we need to not be so easily disappointed. They would seem to me to be a fairly, fairly accurate response. Maybe it's our narcissism and not their failures that has us in a constant state of disappointment. Well, you didn't do what I expected, hence you're a disappointment. Instead of saying you didn't do what I expected, maybe my expectations are too high. Right, me, isn't that possible or it is inevitable or how about this? How many have I disappointed?

8:14And I'm telling you, it would be a great exercise for you to do, a terrific one. I think I'm going to do it. How many people have I disappointed and how many have disappointed me? It's an interesting enough to show it to anybody just for yourself. Because you don't go around, you, I mean, I don't mean you individually because I don't know, but I would say people do not go around with anywhere near the sense of having disappointed others that they have about being disappointed by others. The ratio of our believing we have been disappointed by others to our disappointing others is probably 10,000 to one. How many people really walk around thinking, God, I've disappointed X, Y, and Z people don't. So it's proof is that it is, it is a function in not always, not always. Some people really have a legitimate gripe about being disappointed.

9:18Somebody has really, really betrayed them and they didn't see it coming or failed them and they didn't see it coming and they are disappointed. There was legitimate disappointment, but I think overwhelmingly it is just part of our narcissism. The world should be as I wanted to be for me. And if people are not acting the way I want them to act, then by golly, I'm disappointed. How do you react to this? Is this, does this register with you? Because you do walk around thinking you're disappointed by people a lot and not ever thinking how you have done it to others or is this, you know, totally out of left field. One eight, Prager 7, 7, 6, this is by the way a function of another thing that I, I talk about a great deal when I talk about happiness, that is having expectations.

10:18Expectations are really the root in many ways of unhappiness. The more you expect, the less happy you will be, the more disappointed, the more ungrateful, the more resentful expectations are a curse. And if you lower your expectations or even don't have any, it is incredible how much more grateful you will be for whatever good comes your way in life and from people. And I will tell you, I started learning, I learned that in college, and it has helped shape my life. We will be back in a moment on the happiness hour on the Venice Prager Show. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Hi, this is Alex Cantrowitz. I'm the host of Big Technology podcast, a long time reporter and an on-air contributor to CNBC. And if you're like me, you're trying to figure out how artificial intelligence is changing the business world and our lives.

11:22So each week on Big Technology, I bring on key actors from companies building AI tech and outsiders trying to influence it, asking where this is all going, they come from places like Nvidia, Microsoft, Amazon, and plenty more. So if you want to be smart with your wallet, your career choices, and meetings with your colleagues and at dinner parties, listen to Big Technology podcast wherever you get your podcasts. Now, back to more of Dennis Prager's Timeless Wisdom. Alrighty, everybody on the happiness hour on the Venice Prager Show, the enormous issue of disappointment and how so many people walk around fairly regularly disappointed by people in their lives. And while, of course, there were times, I mean, let's say you marry somebody and you marry a guy and he turns out to beat you up or you marry a woman and she turns out to be a drug addict that you didn't know. That is a fair disappointment. And sometimes it's not easy to know, is it your narcissism or a real true, a fair assessment of disappointment.

12:30But I think by and large, we are much too easily disappointed and that's because our expectations are too high and because we want the world to be the way we want it. And that is especially so in our time for whatever reason in the last hundred years, people are just assumed that what they expect to happen with others should happen and feel that if they're disappointed, it's clearly the other person's fault, not to have diminished expectations of people in their lives. 1A Prager 776 Roseville, California on KPKZ 1380. And Maria, thank you for calling the Venice Prager Show. Thank you, Mr. Prager. I just wanted to make a comment regarding three people and that might have disappointed me and actually I can count three. It's actually my father, mother, and my sister. Who's left? Only my family, but beyond that, the world's been great to me.

13:33But my mother and my sister, I've come to find out that they are the two people that I will never be able to fulfill their expectations. And although I understand that. Also, wait a minute. You say you've disappointed them or they've disappointed you? No, I've disappointed them. Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I didn't catch that originally. You feel that you have disappointed your mother, your father, and your sister. Yes. And by doing what? Or not doing what? Not fulfilling their expectations as well as my own contrived expectations that they had of me. And I've come to understand that in regards to my mother and my sister, that they will always have expectations that I will not be able to fulfill no matter what I do. And part of that also was my ego, which I also understand came into play. But I've come

14:35to understand that. That's the only way to be happy is to understand. The fact that you, I'm curious now, and this is almost a game, but I don't mean it as such, the fact that you feel that you have disappointed your mother, father, and sister. Do they disappoint you in that they feel that way? For I would have to say that in regards to my mom and sister, yes. Right. That's what I suspected. Yeah. God bless you, Maria. Thank you so much for calling. This is, I now realize we now have compounded disappointment. This is the way it works. This is this is true. Correct. And I thank you so much, Maria. She's right. So this is what I'm discovering. Not only can I recognize that I've disappointed XY and Z, but I'm disappointed in them for seeing me as a disappointment. Now, needless to say, they are disappointed in me for seeing them as disappointed in me. So you now have disappointment cubed.

15:42It gives you an idea how much disappointment is around there in the world. Now, I'm laughing only because it's one of these classic examples of where you could either laugh or cry. It's this very painful subject, but it, and I always say it's preferable generally to laugh, but it's really true. The amount of disappointment out there is, is, can drown the world. It is, it may well be the most common sentiment on earth. There may be more disappointment out there than there is love. And it's, as I said earlier, it includes God. You know, why didn't God come through when, you know, I expected him to come through and he didn't. Wow. Wow. What we set ourselves up for for being unhappy. And this, this is being such a classic example of the, of the expectations of others. And we don't have those expectations nearly as much of ourselves. All right. Let's, uh,

16:47let's see more here. Ananette in San Diego on KCBQ. Ananette Dennis Prager. Hi, Dennis. Thanks for taking my call. I enjoy your show. I'm a new listener. And I like your subject about disappointment a lot. I think I made my list in my mind while I was driving as soon as you said it. Yeah. And I was amazed at what, maybe you just touched on that with the last color. How much my list is pretty equal. When someone has disappointed me, I always can see somewhere in there that I have disappointed them at some level. Really? I, you know what? I wonder if women are more capable of that death of, well, women walk around more thinking that they have disappointed the others. I don't know. It could be, it could be a gender thing, but maybe it's a personality thing. Yeah. People are harder on themselves or more more close themselves. And I am definitely working on that. But my oldest son is recently very disappointed with God because, um, his father, my husband got a girlfriend a year ago. And yes, I'm disappointed in that. It was huge. And it was, it blindsided me. And I loved him very, very, very much, even though we had

17:49our issues. And they were big. But, um, you know, my son has decided that God, he has to blame, he's blaming God where I have decided that I'm not going to take that route. I am disappointed that my son's so upset, but I've disappointed my son too because I probably should have gotten out of the marriage years and years and years ago because he was an alcoholic, but I didn't realize it. So, you know, there's a lot of disappointment that goes around. My family's disappointed that my marriage has fallen apart. Oh, well, you know, it's, so to me, I think the key for me in disappointment because I could wallow in a lot of self-pity and then happiness right now. I've got five kids that are struggling and financially we're sinking and it's really a hard life right now. But I think everyone needs to, like hit just a moment ago, love. I think we need to cut people slack. I tried to do that a lot because I want it done for me. And whenever I've disappointed, or when someone's disappointed me, I can usually see that I've probably at some level disappointed them and it doesn't matter who did it first. You know why I let you speak so long because you're a

18:52very wise woman. That's the highest compliment I can pay. Well, you know, I appreciate that because I don't feel very valuable right now. So coming from you, I take that as a very nice compliment and I needed that today. Thank you. You're welcome and I meant it very, very sincerely. It's very, I am I am moved when I hear people on the air off the air who are wise enough to take that approach and to be and her she gave me the words that I think are the perfect antidote to feeling regularly disappointed in people. Cut people slack. That's a good one. That's a good one. Your parents are human beings, frail like you. Your husband or wife is frail like you.

19:53Your children likewise. See, when we are disappointed in let's say children, it is very often really a statement of you didn't bring me the the pride that I expected you to bring me the reflected glory of your life onto me. Me me me back in a moment. This episode of Timeless Wisdom will continue right after this. Every day the world gets a little weirder and a lot more awesome. Cool stuff daily takes a look at everything from mining and space to the latest in the fight against cancer to how AI is basically changing everything. It's all the cool stuff you didn't know you needed to know. Join us for cool stuff daily as we take a quick look at science tech and the wait what stories

20:55that make you sound way smarter at dinner. Subscribe to cool stuff daily now because the future is happening fast and it's way too fun to miss. Now back to more of Dennis Pregor's Timeless Wisdom. This is the happiness hour on the Dennis Pregor show every week at this hour. Talk about the great important subject of happiness. My subject today is disappointment and how I would say most people walk around pretty regularly disappointed by almost everybody in their lives. And you know what else I was thinking here during the break is that the better the person the more likely that person is to disappoint you. It's not the jerks who disappoint you. It's the wonderful people. So this disappointment issue gets more and more important the more I think about it and the more I talk about it because you not only you don't get disappointed by the the jerks in

22:03your life. You don't expect anything from them. It's only the people that you think well of that can disappoint you and the the more you think well of them the more they are set up inevitably to disappoint you because they're still human no matter how wonderful they are. You know all of this came about because of that letter that I got from a listener that I so disappointed him after I didn't respond to his email he's no longer listening to me. And he obviously adored me because he wrote a very warm letter to me that I had never responded to. But I say often I just can't and I feel bad but it's not possible I can't respond to 200 emails a day. I can't respond to 100 a day. It's hard to do 50 a day. I mean just think about it if it's two minutes an email that's two hours just for 50. Anyway it's but there is a good example if he thought I was a jerk and just listen because he liked the information he got from my show then I

23:05couldn't disappoint him. But the fact is he thought oh this is a really good guy this Dennis and it turns out oh my god he doesn't even respond to my warm letter he you know this is a total disappointment I'm out of his life he's out of my life. And I think that that macro example is what people do a lot in micro life. After all it is only the good who can disappoint nobody's disappointed in Saddam Hussein you get disappointed in good people. So it's really a problem the disappointment one. Alrighty let's go to Adina in Phoenix on 960 KKNP. Hello Adina Dennis Prager. Hi good afternoon Dennis. Hi. I read your book Happiness is a serious problem. I borrowed it from one of my dearest friends and I wanted to bring about a lack of gratitude in the general population as you stated in your book. Are we really counting the number of things that the person has done wrong to ascend us when we should be counting the number of things that the person has done right.

24:09That's right. What you're asking for is a magic word that a lot of people are incapable of doing children can't do it and a lot of adults can't and that is have perspective that you have to be able to say you know what this person did fail me in this area but as a general statement you know so much more good comes from him or her. Right and we need to remember to always say thank you. I mean even even seeing children at a very small age even for the little things that we might take for granted because if we're going to be willing to criticize we also need to be willing to praise and that includes even our own children. Oh of course it does. It includes everybody and it includes companies. I always say every year it is a New Year's resolution for every complaint letter or call you make or write you should do one letter of praise. And that is such a good idea. Thank you so much. Thank you. Okay bye bye and over to Dan in Denver. Dan Dennis Prager.

25:12Hi. Hi Dennis. Hi. Love your show. Appreciate everything that you do. Thank you. I just want to say that especially with regards to children that expectations can be used or I should say disappointment which can be used regarding expectations. Excuse me a little nervous here. It depends what you're disappointed in them. I think that it can help create the moral compass for your kids. If you're if you express high set high standards for them to the degree that you know if they disappoint you you know they have failed miserably that's not good but in terms of it's it's far more important express a disappointment with regards to a moral failing or something that's very important for something. He didn't get the job. That's not that big a deal. The other thing is I find the more at the girl all I get I find that I get disappointed in myself when I don't meet my own expectations. If I hurt someone that's good. That's good. I agree with

26:13both your points. Dan it is what we can get disappointed. I don't believe that the it should be ruled out of our emotion lives disappointment but what is it that renders us disappointed like an hour child. Are you disappointed if they don't get an A or a B or you disappointed if they cheat on a test. We'll be back in a moment. I'm Dennis Prager. All right everybody this is Dennis Prager and this is one of those happiness hours that I think if you take to heart can really affect your life. It's sir these things touch me too I just need you to know when I talk about these things I am talking to Dennis as much as I'm talking to you and this notion here of people disappointing you in life is so big and it is so harmful how much we walk around disappointed and it is now there are times of course where it is appropriate but I would say that in vast numbers of cases it's not appropriate because that's or or it's appropriate but you

27:19still have to say that's part of life and it is part of life everyone is disappointed and everyone is disappointed often that that is the way it is because we set others up in almost in order to disappoint us even people we don't know even public figures it could happen with all righty let's go to oh is that true in Los Angeles on krla Larry Larry Dennis Prager high hello hello Larry this is Dennis yeah hi Dennis hi in listening to the comments of some of the past speakers it appears to me that perhaps we can without sounding too legalistic divide people up into disappointors and disappointees and sometimes people occupy both positions there's such a wealth of Jewish comedy about Jewish parents in planting gilth on their children

28:26it made me wonder whether because I think there may be some truth in that although Jews don't monopoly on that whether the implantation of gilth is a defense mechanism to one who is a disappointor in other words gee I think I'm disappointing my children in some way so I'm going to make them feel guilty about this or about that could well be that's very possible and remember they by by telling by communicating to them that they this that is our children that they disappoint us that is also instilling gilth in them yeah now at the same time you see that's why life is so complex or one of the billion reasons and that is there there should be an element of I don't want to disappoint my mom or disappoint my dad there should be an element of that in a child's life the question is what is it over let's where the earlier caller said we have to use that

29:28a very very finely tuned I'm I you know if I if my whole belief is that what I I disappoint my parents if I don't get AIDS I don't think that that is nearly as good as I've disappeared disappoint my parents if I cheat on a test yeah yeah well you made it you made a powerful point it's a very complex subject and the issue with children is different by the way then I think the issue with others because you do want to have a level of disappointment there I don't think you want to have a level of disappointment anywhere else it it probably is good for a child to not want to disappoint a parent it is a motivator so that can that can be an element on the other hand obviously could be overdone it could be you know it's so finely tuned that it's it's it's very difficult for me to give a general rule on what level of disappointment is a good thing for children to feel vis-a-vis their parent and and whatnot I I remember talking about parents

30:30disappointing I remember I saw I think this was a cartoon in the New Yorker it's a very famous cartoon if I'm not mistaken and I and I'm not going to get it fully accurately but you'll get the gist of it it is a monument somewhere in some park in some city there's a monument to a man and that you know he there's a sculpture of him and it says you know his name commander or admiral or general so-and-so financier entrepreneur poet linguist general leader of men and then on the bottom and still a disappointment to his mother obviously it must be so universal that you could make this draw this cartoon and no people will laugh that no matter what you have succeeded you're still a disappointment to your mother now that should not be that's a bad thing obviously

31:30but it's it it must be universal enough for it to have been a funny cartoon righty over to Howard in Seattle on KKOL and Howard Dennis Prager high Dennis how are you I'm well thank you I am I thank you for taking this subject to America because I believe it is the most universal shame in people's lives in regards to maintaining happiness and I think it taps into the idea of this tape that we all have running in our heads of what's wrong with me and it starts as little children disappointing our parents through school not getting good enough grades through the job I don't make enough money whatever it is and when when people are disappointed in us it triggers that tape what's wrong with me and I think it opens the door to our own self-loathing when we start asking ourselves what's wrong with me I'm not good and what's wrong with me right so

32:33you are you're you're explaining or you're offering illustrations of the bad effects of being regarded as a disappointment absolutely I think I think it taps into even larger issues one of the great doors that I walked through into my own personal evolution was a conversation I had with my sister a couple of years ago in regards to forgiveness and forgiveness of myself for all of the disappointments that I felt that I wasn't achieving in my life and you know the perfectionism that we all have we want to be the best we want to be the best and we're driven in this country to be the best and I think really this whole issue of disappointment it is so universal to humanity and I think it comes from that idea of triggering that question what's wrong with me if we accept that there's nothing wrong with me my mother loves me exactly the way I am I love myself exactly the way I am I think it opens the door to immense amounts of joy right the problem is the problem is and this

33:38is a problem if I am so wonderful the way I am why should I improve see that that's the other issue but because we do need a certain see certain amount of neurosis is inevitable in life you know only only animals can experience such calm without neurosis so we that's why this is a difficult subject in addition great call back a moment this episode of timeless wisdom will continue right after this every day the world gets a little weirder and a lot more awesome cool stuff daily takes a look at everything from mining and space to the latest in the fight against cancer to how AI is basically changing everything it's all the cool stuff you didn't know you need it to know join us for cool stuff daily as we take a quick look at science tech and the wait what stories that make you sound way smarter at dinner subscribe to cool stuff daily now because the

34:40future is happening fast and it's way too fun to miss now back to more of Dennis Prager's timeless wisdom all right everybody Dennis Prager here the happiness hour goes very fast at least I feel that way I hope you do too now let me give you an example I'm talking about disappointment now look I have before me David and Kate and Richard and David and another caller I don't know the name yet and Michael the lines are filled with people's names now obviously I can't take all and I may not even be able to take one I don't know yet but here is a good example of the inevitability of disappointment anybody who calls obviously weights and hopes to get on the air otherwise you wouldn't call and you will be disappointed if you didn't get on the issue in life is there are two issues vis-a-vis disappointment at least one is am I legitimately disappointed or is it just my narcissism the other is if I am legitimately

35:45disappointed what do I do with it and that is where happiness is so dependent upon philosophy about how you think about life otherwise we can all become so unhappy all the time so if you called in and you've been waiting and my god take Richard in Denver has been waiting for 45 minutes and 32 seconds we we have it you know we have the data on here now and Richard says I've probably disappointed a whole lot more than I've been disappointed well here's an example of where you may be disappointed Richard now you know what is Richard to do with this disappointment the and the only answer for your happiness I'm talking happiness is to say look I tried I didn't get on the vast majority of people who called don't get on and it's you know it's too bad

36:47that and it's a little tiny example I'm only using it because it is immediate and it is at this it's at this very moment but all day it happens one is disappointed regularly it's what do you do with it as regards people they do it to us they disappoint us I disappoint just as many as people disappoint me there's no question about it it is just that is the way of life and it is a it is something you have to work through am I a victim of constant disappointment well it's possible that you are truly a victim but there's a good chance that you are no more a victim than anybody else and that you have disappointed just as much as you have been disappointed and life is a series of disappointments and you rise above it and you march on and you know that it is inevitable or or as I will I just tell you you will end up friendless you will end up wifeless you will end up

37:50husbandless you will end up alone and you know what that is why so many people prefer pets to people because your dog never disappoints you no matter what he or she is there to lick you and that is why there is a dangerous preference for animals over people these days because people are so afraid of being disappointed that's not the root of the road to happiness stay tuned this is Dennis Prager this has been Timeless Wisdom with Dennis Prager visit Dennis Prager.com for thousands of hours of Dennis' lectures courses in classic radio programs and to purchase Dennis Prager's rational Bibles. Every day the world gets a little weirder and a lot more awesome. Cool stuff daily takes a look at everything from mining in space to the latest in the fight against cancer to how AI is basically changing everything it's all the cool stuff you didn't know you

38:55need it to know join us for cool stuff daily as we take a quick look at science tech and the wait what stories that make you sound way smarter at dinner subscribe to cool stuff daily now because the future is happening fast and it's way too fun to miss.