The Yillian Way - Keith Laumer

0:00The Yilian Way by Keith Lommer The ceremony as protocol of the Yils was impressive, colorful, and in the long run, deadly. Part 1 James Ritef, Vice-Consul, and Third Secretary in the Diplomatic Corps followed the senior members of the terrestrial mission across the tarmac and into the gloom of the reception building. The gray-skinned Yill guide who had met the arriving embassy at the foot of the ramp, hurried away. The counselor, two first secretaries, and the senior attachés gathered around their ambassador, their ornate uniforms bright, in a vast, done-colored room. Ten minutes passed, Ritef strolled across to the nearest door and looked through the glass panel at the room beyond. Several dozen Yill, lounged in deep couches, sipping lavender drinks from slender glass tubes. Black-tunic servants moved about inconspicuously, offering trays. A party of brightly dressed Yill

1:02moved toward the entrance doors. One of the party, a tall male, made to step before another, who raised a hand languidly, fist clenched. The first Yill stepped back and placed his hands on top of his head. Both Yill were smiling and chatting as they passed through the doors. Ritef turned away to rejoin the terrestrial delegation, waiting beside a mound of crates, made of rough greenish wood, stacked on the bare concrete floor. As Ritef came up, Ambassador Spratley glanced at his finger watch and spoke to the man beside him. Man, are you quite certain our arrival time was made clear? Second Secretary Magnen nodded emphatically. I stress the point, Mr. Ambassador. I communicated with Mr. Takaqai just before the lighter broke orbit. I specifically, I hope you didn't appear, truck-ulant, Mr. Magnen. The Ambassador said sharply. No indeed, Mr. Ambassador. I'm merely... You're sure there's no VIP room here? The Ambassador glanced around the cavernous room.

2:04Curious, not even chairs have been provided. If you'd cared to sit on one of these crates, certainly not. The Ambassador looked at his watch again and cleared his throat. I may as well make use of these few moments to outline our approach to the more junior members of the staff. It's vital that the entire mission work in harmony and the presentation of the image. We terrestrial are a kindly peace-loving race. The Ambassador smiled in a kindly peace-loving way. We seek only a reasonable division of spheres of the influence with the yield. He spread his hands, looking reasonable. We are people of high culture, ethical, sincere. The smile was replaced abruptly by purse-lips. We'll start by asking for the entire serenian system and settle for half. We'll establish a foothold on all the choice of worlds and with shrewd handling, in a century we'll be in a position to assert a wider claim. The Ambassador glanced around.

3:06If there are no questions, the Ambassador's Reteaf stepped forward. It's my understanding, Mr. Ambassador, that we hold the prior claim to the serenian system. Did I understand your excellency to say that we are ready to concede half of it to the yield without a struggle? Ambassador's Bradley looked up at Reteaf, blinking. The younger man loomed over him. Beside him, Magnum cleared his throat in the silence. Last Council Reteaf merely means, I can interpret Mr. Reteaf's remark, the Ambassador snapped. He assumed a fatherly expression. Young man, you're new to the service. You haven't yet learned the team play, the given take of diplomacy. I shall expect you to observe closely the work of the experienced negotiators of the mission. You must learn the importance of subtlety. Mr. Ambassador, Magnum said, I think the reception committee is arriving. He pointed, half a dozen tall, short-necked yill, or entering through a side door.

4:09The leading yill hesitated as another stepped in his path. He raised a fist, and the other moved aside, touching the top of his head, profanterly, with both hands. The group started across the room toward the terrestrials. Reteaf watched as a slender alien came forward, and spoke passable tern in a reedy voice. I am Patoi, come this way. He turned, and the group moved toward the door, the Ambassador leading. As he reached for the door, the interpreter darted ahead and shouldered him aside. The other yill stopped, waiting. The Ambassador almost glared, and then remembered the image. He smiled, and beckoned the yill ahead. They milled, uncertainly, muttering in the native tongue, and passed through the door. The tern party followed. Give a great deal to know what they're saying, Reteaf overheard as he came up. Our interpreter has forged to the van, the Ambassador said, I can only assume he'll appear when needed.

5:13A pity we have to rely on a native interpreter, someone said. Had I known we'd meet this rather uncouth reception, the Ambassador said stiffly, I would have audited the language personally, of course, during the voyage out. Oh, no criticism intended, of course, Mr. Ambassador. Heavens, Magna put in, who would have thought Reteaf moved up behind the Ambassador? Mr. Ambassador, he said. I, later young man, the Ambassador snapped. He'd beckoned to the first Chancellor, and the two moved off, heads together. Outside, a bluish sun leemed in a dark sky. Reteaf watched his breath form a frosty cloud in the chill air. A broad, doughnut-wield vehicle was drawn up to the platform. The yill gestured the tern party to the gaping door at the rear, and stood back, waiting. Reteaf looked curiously at the gray painted van. The legend written on its side in alien symbols seemed to read eggnog.

6:18The Ambassador entered the vehicle, the other terrestrials following. It was as bare of seats as the terminal building. Would appear to be a defunct electronic chassis lay in the center of the floor. Reteaf glanced back. The yill were talking excitedly. None of them entered the car. The door was closed, and the Terrans braced themselves under the low roof as the engine started up with a wine of worn turbos. The van moved off. It was an uncomfortable ride. Reteaf put out an arm as the vehicle rounded to corner, just catching the Ambassador as he staggered off balance. The Ambassador glared at him, settled his heavy tricornor hat, and stood stiffly until the car lurched again. Reteaf stooped, attempting to see out through the single dusty window. They seemed to be in a wide street lined with low buildings. They passed through a massive gate, up a ramp, and stopped. The door opened. Reteaf looked out

7:22at a blank gray facade, broken by tiny windows at irregular intervals. A scarlet vehicle was drawn up ahead. The yill reception committee emerging from it. Through its wide windows, Reteaf saw a rich upholstery and caught a glimpse of glasses clamped to a tiny bar. Patoi, the yill interpreter, came forward, gestured to a small door. Magnen opened it, waiting for the Ambassador. As he stepped to it, a yill thrust himself ahead and hesitated. Ambassador spradly drew himself up glaring. Then he twisted his mouth into a frozen smile and stepped aside. The yill looked at each other, then filed through the door. Reteaf was the last to enter. As he stepped inside, a black clad servant slipped past him, pulled the lid from a large box by the door, and dropped in a paper tray heaped with refuse. There were alien symbols in flaking

8:23paint on the box. They seemed, Reteaf noticed, to spell egg-nog. Part 2. The shrill pipes and whining reeds had been warming up for an hour when Reteaf emerged from his cubicle and descended the stairs into the banquet hall. Standing by the open doors, he lit a slender cigar and watched through narrowed eyes as obsequious servants in black, flitted along the low wide corridor, carrying laden trays into the broad room, arranging settings on a great four-sided table, forming a hollow square that almost filled the room. Rich brocades were spread across the center of the side nearest the door, flanked by heavily decorated white claws. Beyond, plain white extended to the far side, were metal dishes were arranged on the bare table top. A richly dressed yule approached, stepped aside to allow a servant to pass, and entered the room.

9:23Reteaf turned at the sound of Tarrin voices behind him. The ambassador came up, trailed by two diplomats. He glanced at Reteaf, adjusted his rough and looked into the banquet hall. Apparently we were to be kept waiting again, he muttered. After having been informed at the outset that the yule have no intention of yielding an inch, one almost wonders. Mr. Ambassador, Reteaf said. Have you noticed? However, Ambassador Spadley said, eyeing Reteaf. A seasoned diplomatist must take these little snubs in stride. In the end, ah, there, Magnan. He turned away, talking. Somewhere a gong clanged. In a moment, the corridor was filled with chattering yule who moved past the group of terrestrials into the banquet hall. Patoi, the yule interpreter, came up and raised a hand. Wheat here. More yule filed into the dining room to take their places. A pair of helmeted

10:26guards approached, waving the terrestrials back. In immense, gray jaul to yule, waddled to the doors, and passed through, followed by more guards. The chief of state, Reteaf heard Magnan say. The admiral for cow, cow, cow. I have yet to present my credentials, Ambassador Spadley said. One expects some latitude in the observances of protocol, but I confess. He wagged his head. The yule interpreter spoke up. You now will high on your intestines, and creep to festive board there. He pointed across the room. In test-times, Ambassador Spadley looked about wildly. Mr. Patoi means our stomachs I wouldn't wonder, Magnan said. He just wants us to lie down and crawl to our seats, Mr. Ambassador. What the devil are you grinning at you idiot? The Ambassador's now to. Magnan's face fell. Spadley glanced down at the medallys across his punch. This is, I've never

11:36homage to gods, the interpreter said. Oh, oh, religion, someone said. Well, if it's a matter of religious beliefs, the Ambassador looked dubiously around. Gali, it's only a couple hundred feet, Magnan offered. Reteaf stepped up to Patoi. His excellency, the terrestrial ambassador, will not crawl, he said clearly. Here young man, I said nothing. Not to crawl, the interpreter wore an unreadable yield expression. It is against our religion, Reteaf said. Aghainst? We are votaries of the snake goddess, Reteaf said. It is a sacrilege to crawl. He brushed past the interpreter and marched toward the distant table. The others followed. Puffing, the ambassador came to Reteaf's side as they approached the dozen empty stools on the far side of the square,

12:38opposite the brocated position of the admirable Fikow-Kow-Kow. Mr. Reteaf kindly seen me after this affair, he hissed. In the meantime, I hope you will restrain any further rash impulses. Let me remind you, I am the chief of mission here. Magnan came up from behind. Let me have my congratulations, Reteaf, he said. That was fast thinking. Are you out of your mind, Magnan? The ambassador barked. I am extremely displeased. Why, Magnan stuttered. As I was speaking sarcastically, of course, Mr. Ambassador, didn't you notice the kind of shocked little gasp I gave when he did it? The terrestrials took their places, Reteaf at the end. The table before them was of bare green wood with an array of shallow, pewter dishes. Some of the yill at the table were in plain gray, others in black, all eyed them silently. There was a constant stir among them, as one or another rose

13:43and disappeared, and others sat down. The pipes and reeds were shrilling furiously, and the saturation of yillian conversation from the other tables rose ever higher in competition. A tall yill in black was at the ambassador's side now. The nearby yill fell silent as he began leading a whitish soup into the largest of the bowls before the terrestrial on-way. The interpreter hovered, watching. That's quite enough, Ambassador's Bradley said, as the bowl overflowed. The yill servant rolled his eyes, dribbled more of the soup into the bowl. Kindly served the other members of my staff. The ambassador said. The interpreter said something in a low voice. The servant moved hesitantly to the next stool and ladled more soup. Reteaf watched, listening to the whispers around him. The yill at the table were craning now to watch. The soup ladler was ladling rapidly, rolling his eyes sideways. He came to Reteaf, reached out with the full ladle for the bowl.

14:47No, Reteaf said. The ladler hesitated. None for me, Reteaf said. The interpreter came up in motion to the servant who reached again, ladle brimming. I don't like it," Reteaf said, his voice distinct in the sudden hush. He stared at the interpreter, who stared back, then waved the servant away. Mr. Reteaf, a voice hissed. Reteaf looked down the table. The ambassador was leaning forward, glaring at him, his face, a mottled crimson. I am warning you, Mr. Reteaf, he said, horsely. I've eaten sheep's eyes in sedan, coss way in Burma, a hundred-year coup-gun Mars, and everything else that have been placed before me in the course of my diplomatic career, and by the holy relics of St. Ignat's you'll do the same. He snatched up a spoon like utensil and dipped it into his bowl. Don't eat that, Mr. Ambassador. Reteaf said. The ambassador stared, eyes wide.

15:53He opened his mouth, guided the spoon toward it. Reteaf stood, ripped the table under its edge and heaved. The immense wooden slab rose until-tid dishes sliding, hit crash to the floor with a ponderous slam. Whiteish soup splattered across the tarazo. A couple of odd bowls rolled across the room, cries rang out from the yill, mingling with a strangled yill from ambassador, spra-dly. Reteaf walked past the wild-eyed members of the mission to the sputtering chief. Mr. Ambassador, he said. I'd like- You'd like. I'll break you, you young hudelum. Do you realize? Please, the interpreter stood at Reteaf's side. My apologies. Ambassador spra-dly said, mopping his forehead. My profound apologies. Be quiet, Reteaf said. What? What? Don't apologize, Reteaf said. Patoy was beckoning. Please, I'll come.

16:55Reteaf turned and followed him. The portion of the table they were ushered to was covered with an embroidered white cloth, set with thin porcelain dishes. The yill already seated there rose, amid babbling, and moved down the table. The black-clad yill at the end of the table closed ranks to fill the vacant seats. Reteaf sat down and found Magnan at his side. What's going on here, the second secretary said angrily? They were giving us dog food, Reteaf said. I overheard a yill, they seated us at the bottom of the servants' table. You mean you know their language? I learned it on the way out, enough at least. The music burst out with a clangerous fanfare, and a throng of jugglers, dancers, and acrobats poured into the center of the hollow square, frantically juggling, dancing, and back-flipping. Black-clad servants swarmed suddenly, keeping mounds of fragrant food on the plates of yill and terrestrial's alike, pouring a pale purple

17:55liquor into slender glasses. Reteaf sampled the yill food. It was delicious. Conversation was impossible in the din. He watched the godly display and ate heartily. Part three. Reteaf leaned back, grateful for the low in the music. The last of the dishes were whisked away and more glasses filled. The exhausted entertainers stopped to pick up the thick square coins the diners threw. Reteaf sighed. It had been a rare feast. Reteaf, Magnan said, in the comparative quiet. What were you saying about dog food as the music came up? Reteaf looked at him. Haven't you noticed the pattern, Mr. Magnan? The series of deliberate affronts? Deliberate affronts. Just a minute, Reteaf. They're uncouth. Yes, crowding in the doorways, and that sort of thing. He looked at Reteaf uncertainly. They heard it us into a baggage warehouse

18:56at the terminal. They hold us here in a garbage truck. Garbage truck? Only symbolic, of course. They ushed us in the tradesmen's entrance and assigned us cubicles in the servants' wing. Then we were seated with the coolee-class sweepers at the bottom of the table. You must be—I mean, we're the terrestrial delegation. Surely these yeal must realize our power. Precisely, Mr. Magnan, but with the clang of symbols, the musicians launched a renewed assault. Six tall, hell-mated yeal, spraying into the center of the floor and paired off in a wild performance, half-dance, half-combat. Magnan pulled at Reteaf's arm, his mouth moving. Reteaf shook his head. No one could talk against a yeal orchestra in full cry. He sampled a bright red wine and watched the show. There was a flurry of action, and two of the dancers stumbled and collapsed. Their partner opponents were leaning away

19:57off to pair off again, described the elaborate pre-combat ritual and abruptly set two dold sabers clashing. And two more yeal were down, stunned. It was a violent dance. Reteaf watched the drink forgotten. The last two yeal approached and retreated, whirled, bobbed and spun, fainted and postured, and on the instant clashed, straining chest to chest. Then broke apart, heavy weapons chopping, parrying as the music mounted to a frenzy. Evenly matched, the two hacked, thrust, blow for blow across the floor, then back, defense forgotten, slugging it out. And then one was slipping, going down, helmet or eye. The other, a giant musk-y-hear yeal, spun away, whirled in a mad scurl of pipes as coins showered, and then froze before a god-y table, raised the saver and slammed it down in a resounding blow across the gay cloth, before a lace of bobed-be-decked yeal in the same instant that the music stopped.

21:02In utter silence, the dancer-fighter stared across the table at the seated yeal. With a shout, the yeal leaped up, raised a clenched fist. The dancer, bowed his head, spread his hands on his helmet. Reteaf took a deep gulp of pale yellow liqueur and leaned forward to watch. The beribid-de-yeal, waved a hand negligently, spilled a handful of coins across the table and sat down. The challenger spun away in a screeching shrill of music, Reteaf caught his eye for an instant as he passed. And then the dancer stood rigid before the brocaded table, and the music stopped off short as the saver slammed down before a heavy yeal in ornate metallic coils. The challenged yeal rose and raised a fist. The other, ducked his head, put his hands on his helmet. Coins rolled and the dancer moved on. Twice more, the dancer struck the table in a ritualistic challenge, exchanged gestures,

22:07bent his neck and passed on. He circled the broad floor, saber twirling, arms darting in an intricate symbolism. The orchestra blared shrilly, unmuffled now by the surf-roar of conversation. The yeal, Reteaf noticed suddenly, were sitting silent, watching. The dancer was closer now, and then he was before Reteaf, poised, towering, saber above his head. The music cut, and in the startling instantaneous silence, the heavy saver whipped over and down with an explosive concussion that set dishes dancing on the table-top. The yeal's eyes held on Reteaf's, in the silence, magnanimated drunkenly. Reteaf pushed back his stool. Stead-e, my boy, ambassador-spreadly called. Reteaf stood, the yeal topping his six-foot-three by an inch. In emotion almost too quick to follow, Reteaf reached for the saber, twitched it from the yeal's grip, swung it in a whistling cut. The yeal ducked,

23:11spraying back, snatched up a saber, dropped by another dancer. Someone stopped the mad man, spreadly howled. Reteaf leaped across the table, sending fragile dishes spinning. The other, danced back, and only then did the orchestra spring to life with a screech and a mad tattoo of high-pitched drums. Making no attempt to follow the weaving pattern of the yeal ballerow, Reteaf pressed the other, fending off vicious cuts with the blunt weapon, chopping back relentlessly. Left hand on hip, Reteaf matched blow for blow, driving the other back. Abruptly, the yeal abandoned the double-roll. Dancing forgotten, he settled down in earnest, cutting, thrusting, perying, and now the two stood toe-to-toe, sabers clashing in a lightning exchange. The yeal gave a step, too, then rallied, drove Reteaf back, back, and the yeal stumbled. His saber clattered, and Reteaf dropped his point

24:14as the other wavered past him and crashed to the floor. The orchestra fell silent in a descending whale of reeds. Reteaf drew a deep breath and wiped his forehead. Come back here, you young fool, spreadly called harsely. Reteaf hefted the saber, turned, I'd brocade draped table. He started across the floor. The yeal sat as if paralyzed. Reteaf! No! Spreadly, yelped. Reteaf walked directly to the admirable Fakao-Kao-Kao, stopped, raised the saber. Not the chief of state, someone in the terrestrial mission groaned. Reteaf whipped the saber down. The dull blades split the cloth and clove the hardwood table. There was utter silence. The admirable Fakao-Kao-Kao rose, seven feet of obese grey yeal. Broadface expressionless to any tearing eyes, he raised a fist like a jewel-studded ham.

25:20Reteaf stood bridged for a long moment. Then gracefully he inclined his head, placed his fingertips on his temples. Behind him there was a clatter as ambassador spreadly collapsed. Then the admirable Fakao-Kao-Kao cried out and reached across the table to embrace the terrestrial and the orchestra went mad. Greyhands helped Reteaf across the table. Stools were pushed aside to make room at Fakao-Kao-Kao's side. Reteaf sat, took a tall flagging of coal-black brandy, pressed on him by his neighbor, clashed glasses with the admirable and drank. Part 4 Reteaf turned at the touch on his shoulder. The ambassador wants to speak to you, Reteaf, Megan said. Reteaf looked across to where Ambassador spreadly sat glowering behind a plain tablecloth. Under the circumstances, Reteaf said, he'd better ask him to come over here.

26:21The ambassador? Megan's voice cracked. Never mind the protocol, Reteaf said. The situation is still delicate. Megan went away. The feast ends, Fakao-Kao-Kao said. Now you and I, Reteaf, must straddle the council's stool. I'll be honored, admirable, Reteaf said. I must inform my colleagues. Colleagues? Fakao-Kao-Kao said. It is for chiefs to parley. Who shall speak for a king while he yet has tongue for talk? The ill-way is wise, Reteaf said. Fakao-Kao-Kao emptied a squat tumbler of pink beer. I will treat with you, Reteaf, as vice-roy, since, as you say, your king is old and the space between worlds is far. But there shall be no scheming underlings privy to our dealings.

27:21He grinned, a ill grin. Afterwards, we shall kharau's, Reteaf. The council's stool is hard, and awaiting hand-made ins collectible. This makes for quick agreement. Reteaf smiled. The king is wise. Of course, a being prefers winches of his own kind. Fakao-Kao-Kao said. He belched. The Ministry of Culture has imported several Terry, excuse me, Reteaf, to restrile joy girls, said to be top-notch specimens. At least they have very fat wager mucolettes. The king is most considerate, Reteaf said. Let us do it, then, Reteaf. I may hazard a fling with one of your Terry's myself. I fancy an occasional perversion. Fakao-Kao-Kao dug an elbow into Reteaf's side and bellowed with laughter. Ambassador spradly hurried to intercept Reteaf as he crossed to the door

28:27at Fakao-Kao-Kao's side. Reteaf kindly excuse yourself. I wish it were with you. His voice was icy. Magnen stood behind him, goggling. Mr. Ambassador, forgive my apparent rudeness, Reteaf said. I don't have time to explain now. Rude-ness, Bradley Bark. Don't have time, eh? Let me tell you. Lower your voice, Mr. Ambassador, Reteaf said. Bradley quivered. Mouth open. Speechless. If you sit down and wait quietly, Reteaf said. I think. You think! Bradley spluttered. Silence, Reteaf said. Spradly looked up at Reteaf's face. He stared for a moment into Reteaf's grey eyes, closed his mouth and swallowed. The Yil seemed to have gotten the impression I'm in charge, Reteaf said. We'll have to keep it up. But, but, Spradly stuttered. Then he straightened. That is the last straw, he whispered,

29:31Horsley. I am the terrestrial ambassador extraordinary and minister planet Potentiary. Magnen has told me that we've been studiedly insulted repeatedly since the moment of our arrival. Kept waiting in baggage rooms, transported in refuse lorries, heard it about with sermons, offered swill at the table. Now I am my senior staff, our left cool in our heels, without so much as an audience while this, this multiple cow person hobnobbs with, with, Spradly's voice broke. I may have been a trifle hasty Reteaf in attempting to restrain you. Blasphemy in the native gods and dump in the banquet table are rather extreme measures, but your resentment was perhaps partially justified. I am prepared to be lenient with you. He fixed a choleric eye on Reteaf. I am walking out of this meeting, Mr. Reteaf. I'll take no more of these deliberate personal, that's enough, Reteaf snapped. You're keeping the king waiting.

30:35Get back to your chair and sit there until I come back. Magnen found his voice. What are you going to do, Reteaf? I'm going to handle the negotiations," Reteaf said. He handed Magnen his empty glass. Now go sit down and work on the image. At his desk in the VIP suite aboard the orbiting core vessel. Ambassador Spradly perched his lips and looked severely at Vice-Consol Reteaf. "'Further,' he said, "'you have displayed a complete lack of understanding of core discipline. The respect do a senior agent and even the basic cursesys. Your aggravated displays of temper, ill-timed outbursts of violence and almost incredible arrogance in the assumption of authority. Make your further retention as an officer, agent of the diplomatic core impossible. It will therefore be my unhappy duty to recommend your immediate—'

31:35There is a muted buzz from the communicator. The ambassador cleared his throat. "'Well, a signal from Secretary H. Q. Mr. Ambassador,' a voice said. "'Well, read it,' Spradly snapped. Skip the preliminaries.' "'Congratulations on the unprecedented success of your mission. The articles of agreement transmitted by you embody a most favorable resolution of the difficult serenian situation. And you will form the basis of continued amicable relations between the terrestrial states and the ill-empower to you and your staff. Full credit is due for a job well done. Signed deputy assistant secretary, Spradly cut off the voice impatiently. He shuffled papers. I'd retie sharply.' Superficially, of course, an uninitiated observer might leap to the conclusion that the results that were produced in spite of these irregularities justify the latter.

32:36The ambassador smiled as sad, wise, smile. "'This is far from the case,' he said. I—' The communicator burped softly. "'Con! Found it,' Spradly muttered. Yes.' "'Mr. Takaikai has arrived,' the voice said. Shall I?' "'Send a minute, Woods,' Spradly glanced at Ritef. Only a two-syllable man, but I shall attempt to correct these false impressions and make some amends.' The two terrestrials waited silently until the ill-protocol chief tapped at the door. "'I hope,' the ambassador said, that he will resist the impulse to take advantage of your unusual position,' he looked at the door. "'Come in,' Takaikai stepped into the room, glanced at Spradly, turned to greet Ritef, invuliable ill. He rounded the desk to the ambassador's chair, motioned him from it, and sat down. "'I have a surprise for you,' Ritef,' he said in Taryn.

33:38"'I myself have made use of the teaching machine you so kindly lent us.' "'That's fine,' Takaikai,' Ritef said. "'I'm sure, Mr. Spradly, will be interested in hearing what we have to say.' "'Never mind,' the ill said. I am here only socially. He looked around the room. So plainly you decorate your chamber, but it has a certain austere charm.' He laughed a yeal laugh. "'Oh, you are a strange breed, utarest reels. You surprised us all. You know, one here is such outlandish stories. I tell you in confidence we had expected you to be over pushes.' "'Push your verse,' Spradly said tonelessly. "'Such restraint! What pleasure you gave to those of us, like myself, of course, who appreciated your grasp of protocol. Such finesse, how subtly you appeared to ignore each overture,

34:47while neatly avoiding actual contamination. I can tell you there were those who thought, poor fools, that you had no grasp of etiquette. How gratified we were, we professionals, who could appreciate your virtuosity. When you placed matters on a comfortable basis by spurning the cat's meat, it was sheer pleasure then, waiting to see what form your complement would take.' The ill offered orange cigars and stuffed one in his nostril. "'I confess, even I had not hoped that you would honor our admirable so signally. Oh, it is a pleasure to deal with fellow professionals who understand the meaning of protocol.' Ambassador Spradly made a choking sound. "'This fellow has caught a chill,' Tukaykai said. He eyed Spradly dubiously.

35:49"'Step back, my man. I am highly susceptible.' There is one bit of business I shall take pleasure in attending to my dear Riteef, Tukaykai went on. He drew a large paper from his reticule. "'The admirable is determined that none other than yourself shall be accredited here. I have here my government's executor confirming you as terrestrial consul general to Yil. We shall look forward to your prompt return.' Riteef looked at Spradly. "'I'm sure the Cora will agree,' he said. Then I shall be going,' Tukaykai said. He stood up. "'Hurry back to us, Riteef. There is much that I would show you of Yil.' "'I'll hurry,' Riteef said. And with a Yil wink, together we shall see many high and splendid things. End of The Yilian Way by Keith Lommer.