Jane Frumberg: Internal Family Systems, and Picking a Therapist

Internal Family Systems, developed by Richard Schwartz, asks each person to look inward at their own parts rather than at the relationship in front of them. Jane Frumberg says that inward turn is what makes it useful when two parents cannot be in the same room, which is most of the families in this community.

Our guest this episode is Jane Frumberg, a clinical social worker who owns her own practice, Light Within Therapy. She specializes in trauma and works in internal family systems, EMDR and dialectical behavior therapy, with teenagers, parents, postpartum mothers, women, and the LGBTQ+ community. Trauma, she says, is the umbrella, and everything else sits underneath it. Lisa went looking for her because Bill Eddy keeps recommending internal family systems therapists for children in high-conflict custody cases, and nobody had explained to BTGO's clients what that actually means.

Jane draws the line between internal family systems and reunification therapy, then explains the parts language: the anxious part, the protector that avoids because avoiding feels safer, and the younger version of a person carrying the original hurt. The instruction is not to get rid of a part but to get curious about it. In a high-conflict case she would start people separately, the child with a therapist trained in the model and each parent on their own, so that the language exists before anyone tries to use it together. It also gives a parent a way to hear a child's hostility as parts doing their job rather than as a verdict on them.

For a target parent whose child has pulled away, Jane's position is that consistency does the work: children push against limits and feel safer inside them, and they want to know you will still be there when they come back. She has watched clients' children start questioning the story as they get older and see things for themselves. The rest of the conversation is how to find the right person, from what to ask in a consultation to why you should choose for your child's temperament rather than your own, plus Lisa's trick of asking a kid what they liked about a favorite teacher or coach and shopping for those qualities.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• The difference between internal family systems therapy and reunification therapy
• What parts and protectors are, and why the goal is never to get rid of one
• Why individual work usually comes before any joint session in a high-conflict case
• How the parts language helps a parent hear a child's hostility differently
• Why consistency matters when the other parent will not participate at all
• What to ask in a free consultation, and how to judge emotional safety fast
• Why you choose a therapist for your child's temperament, not your own
• Red flags: subtle invalidation, not being heard, and vague answers about training

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Internal family systems therapy versus reunification therapy
3:00 Parts, protectors, and the younger version carrying the pain
6:00 How it works when you cannot be in a room with your ex
8:30 When one parent will not participate, consistency does the work
12:00 Why children start questioning the story as they get older
15:00 Choosing a therapist: the consultation, safety, and the energy match
19:00 Red flags, and the question to ask about their actual training

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Jane Frumberg at Light Within Therapy: https://www.lightwithintherapy.net/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.