The Permitted Flattery [Day 132 - Orchos Tzaddikim | Flattery 6]

0:00Thank you, Rabbi. I understand there's a fundraiser going on. Why would listeners want to donate to torch versus other organizations? So very, very good question, very valid question. I want to tell you something like this, okay? Torch is here for one reason. Torches here to share the word of Torah with the world. Any one of you listeners out there listening on a podcast, listening in a video, last year alone, our videos grew, our video exposure grew 295%. If I told you that there was an investment in the stock market that is going to grow 295%, everyone would invest. I am telling you, my dear listeners, that last year, our YouTube videos alone grew 295% by our viewership. Our podcast, there are many podcasts that grew

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7:31life edition of the Orchid Sadikim, the ways of the righteous, in the gate of flattery. The Yachani Fadal Ishto, a person should flatter his wife. A person should flatter his wife. Mishum Shlom Bayet to preserve household harmony. Just this afternoon, we just recently started a new lunch and learn in the gallery area. And we were talking about whether or not, why so many relationships go awry. And I said because people don't know how to properly convey their appreciation, their admiration. They don't know how to compliment. They don't know how to be genuine. So the guy says, yeah, but what's if I need to compliment my wife, but I don't feel it. I said, fake it till you make it. And today, look at that. Look at that. We open up today. Day number 132. And the Orchid Sadikim says, you need to flatter your wife. Flatter your wife. Tell her how delicious

8:32her cooking is and tell her how beautiful her dresses are and how incredible of a person she is. And these are things that a person needs to do to preserve their relationship. It doesn't mean you have to lie. That doesn't mean you have to lie. There's a dispute in the Talmud whether or not one tells the bride, Kalanava, Khassouda, you tell her that she's beautiful or you say, Kalakumay Shahi, you tell her, tell her the way it is. That's so what that's cruel. You tell her the way it is. One says, okay, tell her that she's very beautiful. She's the bride, you tell her she's so beautiful. What's if she's not? If she's not, or say just tell us, you're not looking with the right pair of eyes. Every person's got beauty. Every person is refined in a different area. Every person has something special and unique. If you can't find something good, you're looking with the wrong pair of glasses. You need to be able to find. It's not that she's so beautiful. You need to be able to see the beauty in another person. And that's, I believe

9:38what we how we explain this right here in our chapter or flattery page 746. One should flatter not don't lie, find the good, mean it, say it, to preserve household harmony. You owe somebody money to your creditor. You can say nice things so that he doesn't press you for the money to a teacher so that he teaches you Torah. He meets with Godola, she could he? She'll give you the. He says, a rabbi should flatter his students. A rabbi should flatter his students. So that they learn Torah from him and that they listen to his teachings and they accept his reprimand and they observe the midst of us.

10:46The guy in the midst says, any person that you can influence and teach them the right way to live life, you should flatter them so that they connect them become close to you. If you know, obviously to most people, if you come to them with anger, you say what you did is terrible, right? Said, nobody's going to listen. But what happens if you tell them, you know, you're such a fine person. I'm so impressed that you and then you, by the way, with your children, this is the same. Okay. You have, I was still, I was giving a parenting class recently and I was telling the parents, you see sometimes parents get so caught up in parenting, they forget to love their children. And the truth is that we need to find a way to find the good in your child that where they shine and put all the bright lights on it. Find the thing they're good at. I'll

11:50tell you an amazing story. There was a student in a school that was doing miserable, miserably in class. Every teacher would kick the student out, say, I can't handle them. It's like, I'm a marquee, you know what I'm talking about, right? I'd say he just, he couldn't, nobody could handle the students. Couldn't handle him. One teacher kicked them out, they moved them to the next parallel class, the next teacher kicked them out. He was misbehaving in every class. Finally, the last of the grade of the of the parallel classes, the most patient rabbi, the most patient teacher is at Witzend. He says, go to the principal's office. I can't, I can't have this anymore. The principal realized that this child probably needs a pick me up. He needs a boost. He needs, see he tells the child, he says to him, sits him down nicely at the table. And he says to him, tell me, what are you good at? He says nothing. He says, there has to be something that you're really good at.

12:54He starts thinking, you know, maybe finally the kid, oh, I'm the best in my class and climbing trees. I can climb the tree the fastest. Oh, that's really, that's really special. Okay, that's that little light, shine a bright light on it. See, he says, what else is there something else? They finally found a few things that this student was really unique at. They spent time together figuring it out. So they wrote it down on a piece of paper. And he said to him, here's what I want you to do. He says, tomorrow morning when you wake up, I want you to stand in front of the mirror and repeat this list of all the things that you do better than anybody else in your class. I want you to repeat it 20 times to yourself. Repeat it to yourself 20 times before you come to school. And if you want to come to my office, you can do it with me here. All right, but these don't

13:55forget that these are your skills. These are your talents. These are the things that you're really really special. This is where you stand out. And what was and they never had an issue with that student again, never had an issue with him again. What was the problem? Problem is that he was overcrowded with everybody else. He never got the spotlight. Finally, someone took the time to see the good. What he's really talented at climbing trees and put a spotlight on it. He felt good. He felt valued. He felt that it was a game changer for him because he felt that he was worth something. And the same is when we educate our children, we can knock our children all day long. That's not going to build them. We find what they're good at. We find where their skills are, we find where their talent is at. And you can build that child more than anything in the world by focusing on their quality, focusing on their good. And that's that's the key.

14:58The I'm Yovolovbekah. So if you come with anger, they're not going to listen. El Bahanif was like Yikab al-Tochhartal. But when you come with the good and you shine the positive light on their on their qualities, that's how they will accept. Mids for Godola Hakhniflow, such a person is a Mids for the flatter them about their goodness. The words of the wise spoken gently are heard. Those who don't accept words of rebuke unless they are pleasant words, which I believe our generation is that. Our generation, we used to be able to educate children with a stick, not anymore. But you can't do that. Children need love. Children need to be built up. It needs to be pleasant. The Yeh-Sh-Sharich-Geh-Ara, there are those sometimes that need a little bit of a review, can I recommend? Shenemar-Tachh-S-Geh-Ara-Be-Mavien. The Yeh-S-Be-Malkos.

16:01Shenemar-Uba-Malumos-Le-Gave-Ksi-Lim. The Yeh-Sh-A-Feel-Uba-Hakhos-La-Yau-Eel, and there are some you can beat them, and that's not going to help. Shenemar-Mehakhos-Ksi-L-Me-A, my grandfather used to say that there's a halacha that says that when your child is at a certain age, over the age of 13, you're not allowed to hit them anymore. Sahalacha. There's written many hundreds of years ago. Why? Because it's going to be putting a stumbling block before the blind. Why? Because he's going to hit you back, and a child's not allowed to hit back the parent. What means going to hit me back? My grandfather says today that age is three or under. No more hitting kids. In general, in our generation, it's unacceptable whatsoever to raise a hand, to raise a hand on a child, absolutely not any adult, raising a hand on a child, absolutely unacceptable, unacceptable whatsoever. Why? Because

17:01it's not going to help the child. It's not going to help whatsoever. It's going to harm the child. It's going to harm the relationship, and that child will rebel against their parent. And that rebellion will be giving the hit back to the parents, which would be a prohibition of hitting your parent. Shneremeh Hakos Ksilmeh. I'm Kain Manaselo. I'm Lotakona. Lot Garshayu. He says, but what do you do if someone is not going to accept any form of reprimand? What's the remedy? He says, you have to distance yourself from such a person. There's a different form of extreme evil, extreme evil kind of flattery. He says, a form of flattery, which is evil and wicked, is when

18:03someone tries to curry favor, build trust only to then later cheat that person. I'm sure we've all heard stories where someone would be so reliable in their, so trustworthy in business, till the time came and that's when they showed all of their trickery and they showed how deceitful they were. Mezekh Inin Shneremeh, Ki Khinam Mizor al-Harashas, Harashas, and Eine Kol Baal Kanoff, and Hamlet Dhamma Yaarovu, Yitzpinu Linaf Shosaam. Parashapasokahui says, this is the explanation to that verse from Proverbs. Kiat Sayyadi, Sayyadim, Ophos, Zorkim, Khiti, says, those who the trappers scatter kernels in the net, which the birds come to eat and they are

19:06trapped. So it is with this type of flattery. They bring the kernels, they throw them in the net, and then they catch them. Our sages for Bade flattery. Etslo, Yodash Eina Ochel, vechainim, Adam Rothsel-Eftar Chauvis, Yain Limkor, Wubach Averliknos, Yain Loyomerlo, and he Rothsel-Eftar Chauvis Avurkha, ve Cholze, ve Kayyotse, Beze Nikr-Gnievastas. He says likewise, if one wishes to open a, he gives a couple of examples here of forbidden flattery. One should not send his fellow man a gift if he knows that he will not accept it. One should not call him to dine with him if he knows that he will not do so. Likewise, if one wishes to open up a keg of wine in order to sell it and his friend comes to buy wine, he should not tell him, I want to open this keg for you. All this and

20:13everything like it is called stealing one's mind. It's called Gnievastas, stealing one's intellect. Today we have laws of intellectual property, but the Talmud talks about this two thousand years ago about stealing one's intellect. Beasur-Eftar Chauvis, Yain Limkor, Yain Limkor, ve Cholze, ve Kayyotse, ve Kayyotse, ve Kayyotse, ve Kayyotse, ve Kayyotse. Imagine the following scenario, this is one of my favorite stories about this topic. So, imagine you are waiting for a ride. You're waiting for someone to come pick you up. You're out by the mall. Hot, hot day. It's really uncomfortably hot. Your friend calls you and he says, I'm sorry, I'm stuck in traffic. I'm going to be there in 15 minutes. So, you look around, you're like, oh, there's a nice jewelry store right here. So, you walk into the jewelry store. You're not planning on buying anything. You don't have the money to buy. You don't have the money to spend on it. You just want a

21:13cool air conditioning to until your friend shows up. So, you walk in and they're, oh, they're so excited. They have a customer. They come running over. Is that a way I can help you? Is something you want to see? Like, no, just looking around. That is stealing one's intellect. They think you're coming in because you want to look at their jewelry. Miro, you're coming in for a totally different purpose. So, what does someone need to do in order not to steal? You say, listen, actually, I was going to be waiting outside. It's very hot. I was wondering, would it be okay if I stood inside? If they say, I'm sorry, it's for customers only. People do that with the restrooms sometimes. It's only for customers. That's understandable because they, whatever expense may be involved with that, they want it to be reserved for their customers. That's understandable. But they may not want you to be using their air conditioning. Even though you can come with a claim and say, well, what are you? What do you care? It doesn't cost you more money for me to enjoy the air conditioning and not be hot outside. That's a different argument and that could be

22:18that could be litigated privately. But the idea here is that you don't want to trick someone. It's trickery. It's a form of trickery. I really want the air conditioning. You think I'm a client. You get all excited. Oh, I'm going to make a sale. I'm going to get my commission finally. And really, you never even had any intention of buying anything. From the day that the fist of flattery grew strong, laws were perverted. Deeds were rendered defective and one could say to his fellow man, my deeds are greater than yours. And no one could say to his fellow man, my deeds are greater than yours. To which you have a laws, I'm wherever laws are, call Adam, she age, Bachanufa, Mavi, Af, Laolem. Anyone who has flattery within him brings wrath to the world as

23:24the verse states. And additionally, his prayer, his prayers are not heard. His prayers are not heard. Why should never lay you shav'u, ki ashram. Vafilu, ubaram, ubarim, shabim, aimam, Mikalkalam, Oso, Vunofa began and he says it really caused terrible things for one who is not honest. I want to tell you something about flattery. Any lawyers here in the group? So, okay, so I have a bunch of friends who are lawyers and they're all very, very good people. And one day I was on the phone with a friend of mine, he says, oh, I got to go because I have a lunch with a judge, like a lunch with a judge. That to me doesn't sound right, right? Why would a lawyer who represents clients who are either guilty, innocent,

24:29you know, on one side of a case, the other side of a case, and he's sitting with the judge that's going to be hearing those cases. To me, it seems like a form of flattery. I'll take the judge out, then I can sign up clients and get the cases dismissed because the judge is my friend. That's a form of flattery. Unfortunately, it's something which happens every single day. It happens in the world of law where the judge and the lawyers are best friends. They guard for dinner together. They guard for lunch together. They guard for breakfast together. Right? So how do you know that the laws are being adjudicated appropriately? Okay. So this is a flattery is repulsive. And this is what the author here is impressing upon us, the repulsiveness of flattery. And finally, to finish off day number one, three, two, lachhain, yisrakhik, ademinachho khunufa, therefore one should remove himself completely from flattery and not flatter someone to validate him in his evil, even if he stands to gain many

25:35favors from him. Now tell me, you're a good guy. You're a good guy. I like you. You're a nice guy. After all, you know, I don't know why people give you our time. That's flattery and that's not good. Lawyachhain, lawyachhain, lawyachhik, birisho, even if he's going to give you a job now, now he's going to help me. He's going to support my institution. He's going to do this. He's going to do that. A person should not flatter someone who's wicked. Lawyachhain, lawyachhain, and the proper path, don't piss up to them. Don't flatter them. They may get the wrong idea because people are flattering them. They say, I'm not that bad after all, because if I was, they wouldn't talk to me. They wouldn't say hello to me if I was such a bad guy. The end of the Olamah, no ale pisrach anifus.

26:40There's nothing that closes the doors of repentance more than flattery. Flattery has a terrible, terrible impact on a person and on his life. So this concludes day number one, thirty two. You've been listening to Rabbi Arya, will be on a podcast produced by Torch. The Torah Outreach Resource Center of Houston. Please help sponsor an episode so we can continue to produce more quality Jewish content for our listeners around the globe. Please visit torchweb.org to donate and partner with us on this incredible endeavor. Thank you.