The People Have Spoken Ep3. British Maple Syrup

0:00This BBC Podcast is supported by ads outside the UK. The deep in the backside of the summer's news and the people have had enough of what we're seeing down there. It's been a sad week guys. Dolly Parton has gone, we lost him curry and worst of all they're bringing back top gear. When will this torment ever end? This week has grown more stories are worth than ever before. The Russians are threatening us, energy bills are on the rise and in the most surefire sign of the end of days even Canadians are angry.

1:01The people in charge don't know how to answer the big questions. Is the blood moon just the eclipse for goffs? Why does West streeting always look like it needs a hook? And as Rupert Grint returns to the role of Ron Weasley and the Harry Potter player, we ask, when have you ever gone back to an ex despite your best wizard friends telling you not to? I've put together a crack squad of audience members, a SWAT team of SWATs bursting with lived experience. And together we're going to repel these problems with the same enthusiasm as an England cricketer in a Derby nightclub. We're going down swinging. Welcome to... I'm going to come and meet some of our audience. We're going to solve the world's problems together. For example, libraries are getting closed down because they're boring. How do we make libraries more fun? Would you like to answer? Get better books. Get better books. What's your favourite book? I don't have one.

2:02I don't know if we chose the correct expert for the job though. So we've got our mob and they are positively frothing for some new stories to solve. But who's going to funnel that froth in the right direction? Please welcome my people's champions Cody Dala and Iwati Bambuay! Thank you. Thank you very much for joining us. Do you feel confident that you can be the solution shepherd to our problem shape? Absolutely. I feel very confident. Yeah. I'm ready to bar. What are you taking on the role of the problem shape? Oh, yes. Oh, maybe I'm not ready. No. That's fallen apart quicker than I've ever seen before. Iwati, you still seem pretty confident. I think that I'm a very good shepherd. You can be safe with me. Bar. Yeah, I mean we've really got two sides of the con now. Are you happy with our shepherds as an audience?

3:04Okay, then let's go. This week, Specky Busnerd and Ibernum travelled to the active war zone of Keith. To mark Ukraine's independence day for his first overseas visit as Prime Minister. Fair play to Burnham. If I was PM, I'd just be going on nice holidays and disguising it as diplomacy, desperately stressing the important economic ties to St. Lucia. And securing an important trade deal with the Amalfi Coast. Burnham travelled with the President of the European Council, Antonio Costa, who has clearly done very well for himself since leaving the boy band Blue. The government has agreed to hand over Blue Prince, not you Antony, for British-made components for the scalp missile, allowing Ukraine to produce a weapon domestically. That's a bit like Ukraine saying they desperately need some lasagna and not sending them a Jamie Oliver cookbook. But you know the old saying, give a man a bomb and he'll bomb for a day. But teach a man to bomb and he'll bomb for a lifetime. This week we also learnt that political parties are very similar to house parties

4:05in the sense that they're pretty much over when a man brings out a guitar. That's right, Antony Burnham serenaded the Ukrainian troops with Rush Home Ruffians, a smith song about a knife fight at Manchester Fairground. Oh happy independence day, you cry! Christ, it's hardly Agadu, is it brother? Guys, what did you think of Antony Burnham's trip to Ukraine? I can't imagine anything more trite and irritating than him bringing a guitar out. Why would you do that? I don't want my elected officials to do party tricks. I find it so stressful to watch. Well, don't worry about that because none of us elected him. Tusha! I mean, I think handing over the blueprints of a missile feels like a big deal, like a secret kind of recipe. But I just, I don't know how big a deal it is in to because I don't know where it stands on like the secret recipe scale. Is it above or below KFC's 11 herbs and spices?

5:08It's above, then I think that's a big deal. Because that's the ultimate secret. That is below. It's below, isn't it? It's 11 herbs and spices and then the scalp missiles. With 11 herbs and spices, for decades that has been patented, it's locked in a vault. And I think if you tried to break into that vault, you would be shot in the head by the Colonel Homsa. Try the Colonel himself. Have you guys ever been serenaded? Oh God, I've not got a good story about this. At all, I had engaged in Coitus. And after we concluded the session, he grabbed a harmonica from his bedside table and he began to play. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. And so there's a can't tell you what he was attempting to play.

6:11I just had to let him finish. Again. I wasn't expecting harmonica. I wasn't either. And then it lies the issue. And so Burnham has been... You made the decision for me. Cody's never been serenaded. Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you said, have you pleased? No, not really. Me and a 80 year old woman once accidentally serenaded each other. We'd gone out for New Year's Eve and they were playing Abba. And you know the song, SOS, in Mamamia, the film, Merrill Streep sings, Where are you gone? And because Pierce Brosnan can't sing, they just made his only role in the song was, Where are you gone? I started doing that with an 80 year old woman. And we've been together ever since. It's quite medicine to sing when you're gone to an 80 year old. Time and play. So Burnham's been strumming his axe, not a euphemism.

7:14He's been fingering his fretboard. Again, not a euphemism. He's been putting a capo on his neck and picking it with his pleasure. And I do have that down as a euphemism. Actually. And we wanted to get from you guys, the audience, if you've got a party piece or hidden talent that might be able to bring world peace. Are you ready? What have you got from the audience? So I've got Tommy. And Tommy's hidden talent, slash party piece, can do a decent impression of Kermit the Frog. Here we go. We're going to get sued by the Muppets. Hey, Miss Piggy. You look sexy tonight. Yeah. That's got to be a different Tommy. Yeah, surely. It's definitely a different Kermit. No, um... How do you feel about that, Iwani?

8:14You miss 100% of the shots you don't take. I don't want him to come away from this recording going, maybe that isn't the impression I thought it was. I dare say it's been the best impression of Kermit the Frog we've heard all of this evening. Well, don't come in. And Cody, what do you have? So this is Liz Davis. Her special skill is doing an impression of a seal. The bar has been set. So imagine that I'm actually on all four, so I can't. Yeah, I'm not speaking for everyone, but some of us were doing that already. Shall I go? That's very good.

9:17That's very good. If David Attenborough's got the radio on, he's going to be like, Huh? What? Okay, so the people have spoken, and we're going to send Liz's seal to stop Vladimir Putin. Well, thank you to the people. We have solved it. We have solved it. After over a year of escalating trade wars between the US and Canada, new heights of swapi-stroppy were reached this week as negotiations broke down and extra tariffs were announced by both countries. That's right. It's Niagara Falls versus Viagra Fales.

10:19Canada has announced it will impose tariffs on American industries including dairy, cosmetics, and outdoor equipment, which sounds like quite a random set of industries to care about, but somewhere out there, there's a guy eating a baby bell and applying lipstick while sitting on a hammock thinking, damn, that's everything I love. The Canadian Finance Minister is called, and I'm not joking when I tell you this, Francois Philippe Champagne. That's his name. He's clearly just free posh kids in a raincoat trying to come up with an adult's name. Anyway, he's been arguing back and forth with the American Finance Minister, handgun dollar sign Macnugget. Guys, are you sort of fed up with tariffs now? I would be fed up with it if I knew what they were. I actually studied politics and economics, and I think I need to get my money back. Well, actually, it sounds like you could get a job in Trump's team. I think the tariffs out.

11:19Yeah, I think everyone who's in charge of the American economy right now also did an economics degree and has no idea what a tariff is. Because it's the extra bit, right? The tariff is the extra bit. Code, do you do very informative videos online? What's going on? What are they? Oh, God. So, if I've got this right, a tariff is, so Donald Trump puts a tariff on something, and there's an American company that buys something from abroad, and if he's put a 20% tariff on that thing, the American company will pay 20% more in order to import it. So, it's actually when Trump puts a tariff on something, it's American companies that are suffering. So, that, I was right. That's what you meant by, it's the little bit. Extra bit. Okay, yeah, I guess it's the extra bit. Yeah. He should not be doing that. Is there anyone in the crowd by way of cheer who likes tariffs?

12:20Can we get a microphone to this man? What's your name, sir? Well, I'm Gavane. I've never heard someone pronounce Gavane that way. What do you like about tariffs? Well, I think it gives security, because then they would have to make their own stuff instead of relying on other countries. Oh, you think we should make our own? Our own maple syrup. Have you ever had British maple syrup? Not yet. That gives me an idea. I mean, if I saw in a shot, Gavane's maple syrup. Oh, la la. Well, the people have spoken, tariffs are good. That's the opinion of the audience. We've Donald Trump and Mark Carney refusing to return to the negotiating table and making hostile comments in the press. It's the Godzilla versus Kong of men who will do anything but go to therapy. This is why men need to learn to socialise properly.

13:21We're in a male loneliness epidemic. They could be talking about the feelings while the wives are chatting on the patio but instead they're panicking and expressing themselves through economic sanctions. We've all done it boys. It's another stark reminder of the men's mental health crisis. It's like adolescence if Stephen Graham was dragged out in the night to discover his sons been putting tariffs on ornamental fish. What have you done, lad? Tell me I'm doing what? Look at the fish, lad! Trump and Carney need to find an end to this deadlock. So we asked our audience, how do you get back into someone's good books or end an argument? And Cody, what do you have written down on your nose? This is from Angelica. So it says, being sweet and cute and innocent, angelise, I make them feel sorry for messing with me. Oh, I've been a psychological warfare. That took a turn.

14:21So how do you manage the transition between being sweet and cute and innocent and then making someone feel sorry for messing with you ever? It's that little look that I give them. The fluttering of that eyes. Okay. I do it all the time. You see? I get lash extensions just so that I can do more of that. Oh, God. Is there a sort of phrase or, you know, when you're being sweet and innocent, is there something you would say to someone? Excuse me. Full stop. That's stopping me, Daddy, my tracks. I felt like I'd done something bad. Yeah, well, no, I apologise. Okay, well, I'm going to go as far as I say that the people have spoken and the best way to get Mark Carney and Trump to open mouthkiss is that both of them, at the same time, dead eye contact in unison, excuse me.

15:23And the tensions were melt. Trump has also threatened to rename Lake Ontario, Lake America. And maybe Lake Ontario is a dumb name. The name Ontario is derived from a Wendat word, often translated as great lake. So it's called Lake Great Lake. It's a stupid name. And Trump loves renaming things. He controversially renamed the John F. Kennedy Memorial Centre by adding his name in front of him. That's almost as bad as when I got a Mark append and added my name to a series of memorial benches in my local park. Well, I'm sorry, but both me and Beatrice enjoyed this view. And both me and Beatrice were beloved daughters in our own unique way. So inspired by this renaming trend, and I know we can't do this kind of thing anymore because of work. But what global landmark would you re-brand and reclaim as British to an iron of a country? I think I would rename the Great Pyramid of Geezer,

16:24because it's only a very small change to make it more British, because you just have to call it the Great Pyramid of Proper Geezer. And that's good! It's popular in the room as well. Yeah! Is there anything else that you think you could do to the Pyramids to make them more British-like any decorations? I think like a pork pie hat right at the top. Maybe. Or you could, I don't know, paint each layer sort of blue, red, white. Well, that's a bit American, isn't it? Yeah, we need to make it clear that it's British. But maybe like a Greg Zafoie up? Yeah! Personally, I think there's a ton of landmarks to bring into British possession. And I know, we're all thinking it, make the Taj Mahala weather spoons. It'd make Tim Mah in furious and the Curry Club would be electric. We paint the Brandenburg Gate, Pink and Yellow.

17:25Now it's a lovely slice of Battenburg Gate. We push a little shop in trolley into Venice's Grand Canal, but suddenly you could be in Birmingham. The Colosseum was where thousands of people gathered to watch brutal, joyless slaughter week after week. So we can just rename that the Tottenham Hotspur stadium. This week a survey found around one in ten of us feel anxious about our accents in a work setting. And before you ask, yes, of course, I am very worried that a lot of you can't understand what Curry's saying. The BBC spoke to a university student who was worried about people noticing her northern accent and assuming she was less intellectual. She said, She just sounded a bit stupid to be fair to her. People frequently judge others by their accents, making snap decisions about your background, simply on the basis of whether you call the place

18:26where you wash yourself, the bath, the bath, or took calls, scuttle filled with stagnant dishwater. Researchers found that 13% of workers actively soften their regional accents to avoid people making assumptions about their intelligence. I've always favoured the other 87%'s tactic. Keep your mouth shut for as long as possible and let your work prove your f***er shit. So I'll ask this to the panel first, but have you ever felt an advantage or disadvantage due to your accent? You've pointed to me as the RP one. My family are actually from the north, but my kind of northern accent was actually beaten out of me by the producer of this show before I came in today. Yeah, I saw that happening before the recording, and I'm sorry that I didn't step in. I should have done that. Now, I feel accents are on a spectrum. Like, I grew up between Lagos and London, and for two years I was in boarding school in the Lake District. And so my accent shifts, depending on who I'm talking to, and I did etiquette classes when I was younger. And that was to make white people feel a bit more comfortable.

19:30You could teach us RP, you were anunciate, and you sit up straight, and for years I was so obsessed with talking like this. I wish I could do that. It's just quite labour intensive. Is there a situation where you would think I'm going to slip back into the Lagos accent? As soon as I speak to my friends or family, that it will just come out, and then when I'm getting more comfortable, I will be more generalised Nigerian. But when I go to the post office, I do not mess about. I am focused. I get in there, and I know exactly what I'm going to say, and how I'm going to say, I rehearse. I do not slip, because if you lose focus in the post office, literally sniper on the roof, gone shot to the head. Does anyone else do that? Does anyone else rehearse what they are saying before they go to the post office?

20:30Yeah, I think I do the same as well. I'm just running it through my head. I get to the counter. I love you, I've always loved you. Please let me just let me kiss you through the glass. Well, I have the glass, it doesn't even have to feel like a real kiss. Your husband doesn't need to know. It's technically not cheating Margaret. So you know how we all rehearse it before we go in. Is there anyone in the audience who would feel comfortable sort of saying whether they think they've got an interesting accent? Your point to your friend, but you seem unwilling to speak. They just want to hear my Kentucky accent. Oh, I love it! Yeah! I... Please can we talk to you a little bit more? I loved it so much, and I hope I'm not stereotyping, but what are the secret herbs and spices? I have no idea. Oh! I don't eat KFC. Oh! Wow, can you tell us your name? Lisa? Lisa, and what do you do, Lisa? I'm a nurse. Oh, man.

21:30But I'm off duty for all of you people, okay? I'm on vacation. Yeah, well what a lovely thing for a nurse to say. If anything happens to you a lot, I'm not doing a thing. You're on your own. I'm going to ask you questions, and these are probably what I think would be Kentucky stereotypes. But have you ever lassood anyone? No. Can you ride a horse? Yes. Have you ever fired a shotgun out of a moving car window? I have three guns. She's got three guns! But I have never fired shotgun out of a window, no? Oh, okay. Well, that's fine. Okay, well thank you very much. So, how do we solve this whole accent situation? I say we scrap accents and start communicating using small handheld chalkboards. Have you seen the Triters?

22:31It would be a quieter, more peaceful, more thoughtful society where we judge people on what really matters. There are trucious handwriting and inability to spell basic names. One in ten of us feel anxious about our accents, but surely the easy fix is to raise the stress levels of the other nine. Oh, you feel secure in your natural accent at work, do you? Yeah? How about when there's a loose Excel bully on your desk? Yeah? How's that for size? Toppins. So, I think we've sorted that. We all agreed. It's time to move on to another hot potato. The Daily Mail Online had all their dreams come true this week. Harry and Meghan have moved back to the UK. I for one can't wait for some incisive journalism about which stresses Meghan may or may not have won twice and why she deserves to die because of it. As a troubled army veteran with no jobs and no fixed abode, Harry may have been attracted by Andy Burnham's pledge to get him off the streets by Christmas.

23:35Instead, they will live here as private citizens and will be classed as non-working royals, which is different to the other royals, of course, because Harry and Meghan will be non-working. So, you know what I mean? That's different. That is different. They are thoughts have found accommodation in the Cotswolds and have already enrolled Archie and Lillibet in a local school. And I imagine there's about a hundred sets of parents holding printouts of the pair, showing them to their kids saying, these two, make friends with these two. So, panel, how do you feel about Harry and Meghan coming back? Are you excited? Are you bothered? I'm so scared of the headlines for sure. Meghan is going to get skewed every single day. I am excited about her dresses. Not going to lie to you. It's anyone seen these vertical AI-generated dramas about Meghan Markle and the Royal Family. It's a thing online and they're basically AI-generated dramas telling the story of Meghan Markle teaming up with Queen Camilla to overthrow the monarchy.

24:39And I'm actually very excited for the live-action remake now they've touched down in the UK again. My favourite line of work, and it's often in sort of reference to Harry and Meghan other roles, is body language experts. Oh, yeah. Right. A body language expert and then you think in brackets an unemployed moron. That's good. Well, the way she was stood in a way that made me think she didn't like what was being said there. I get a life you're absolutely. Yeah. I'm on the radio and if you're a body language expert listening, you don't even need to look at me to know what I think of you. So, Harry's on the lookout for work after coming into our country on a small plane. And Andy Burnham has announced 10,000 work experience placements. I smell a sitcom. So, we want to know what was your first taste of work and we'll decide if we can find Harry a suitable new gig.

25:39So, I'd like to read this one out. This is from Tony, first job castrating and de-honing cattle. Oh, wow. Could you see Harry doing that? Yeah, I think so. I see him doing that on Clarkson's farm for sure. Yeah. The royals, they're animal people aren't they? They're round lots of animals. I think you'd know his way around a cowbolic. You've got Margaret. And Margaret's first summer job, while at uni, was on the assembly line of a toy gun factory. What was that like? How old are you? Well, I was 18. My mother marched me down to the job centre, pushed me in the door and said, get yourself a job. And the one that came off the top of the desk was go along to the toy gun factory. And I worked there for, I think it was nine weeks. Was it that easy to get a job? Yeah. In those days, it was handing them out on a piece of the paper. Yeah. To be fair, that's how I got this gig. Did you ever consider using one of those toy guns to do a bank robbery?

26:42I could have done, I suppose, because we used to make luggars, which were very realistic, to be honest. Oh, wow. So I could have just slipped one of those in my pocket, but I never did. Are those illegal? Well, they were just toys. But if you held someone up with a lugga, that wouldn't be a good thing to do. So the people have spoken, and we're going to employ Prince Harry by forcing him to make replica guns. And... Oh, that's the warning siren. There's been reports of Andy Burnham opening a guitar case in the vicinity. We've got 30 seconds to sort out the remaining news stories. I'm going to get back in amongst you. Sir, blind dates coming back. Who do you think should be the new host? Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson. OK. The moon is set to turn red in a partial lunar eclipse. I'm fed up of eclipses. How do we get rid of the moon? Let's throw a colander back with you.

27:43Look through a colander backwards. OK. With... Yeah. Well, guys, we've done it. We've solved it all, and I'm off to the Taj Mahal for Curry Club in a pint of tenants. And I'll be cheered on by the knowledge that any conflicts in the world can be solved by simply looking each other in the eye and saying, excuse me. Thank you to Cody Dahler and Iowady Bamboye. And until next time... Let's hear it all out, circle! People have spoken, was hostled by Ian Smith and featured Cody Dahler, Iowady Bamboye and the people. The script was written by Ian Smith, Angela Channel, Mike Shepherd and Lucas Fowl. The producer was Winnie East Davis, and it was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4. Hi, I'm Curie Pritchard McLean. Best medicine is back. We effectively reprogrammed bacteria. So this all happens in your lab, is that correct? Yeah, in my lab in Edinburgh called the Waller Slap. Waller Slap? I bet the Gromit Lab does all the real work.

28:45Each week, a load of top-doctor scientists, experts and comedians try to convince me what's the best medicine. I'm a big believer in fighting. I think the best medicine is something called a free flap. Free flaps? Not just my nickname in Freshers Week. Gene Therapy for Huntington's Disease. We've just found out why I went first. It's the antidote to doom and gloom. Today is the best day to be alive, and tomorrow's going to be even better. We can accomplish things that were previously impossible. We've done like three series of the show now, and I don't throw this around, but I think this could be as good as Baroquea. Best medicine. Listen first on BBC Sounds. Get more with BBC Podcasts. Wherever you listen. Be the first to listen to your favourite shows, like Evil Genius, Good Bad Billionaire and Your Dead To Me, with a subscription to BBC Podcasts Premium on Apple Podcasts. You can also enjoy a range of our podcasts, Add Free, with an Amazon Music subscription.