THE LIVE SHOW | Not For Radio #756 w/ Jay & Dunc

0:00This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, you have ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting Work Mode, Avail Bomb Plus, and Pro Plants. This show gives me a reason to laugh. Ladies and gentlemen, lock up your family pets.

1:07From the other side of the pond, please put your hands together for your buddies at host of Not for Radio, Jacket Harden, Jerry. You have got absolutely no idea how much this means to us. This is absolutely amazing. Thank you. Thank you. And thank you. For those of you that have turned up, not knowing where the fuck you are, this is the Not for Radio Live Show podcast. And what an absolute shit show it is. Apologies. I was on the tech. I've scrambled the team up on the booth there

2:08but we'll try and cobble it together. Thanks going to be scratching his bald head and pulling out his non-existent hair. But we'll get there. So just to start things off, this is great fuck it's a piss. Fine sir, how are we going to make you fucking hit some devil? Just to let you know how it's going today. First and foremost, it fucking means a world to us. It really does. To be here, to have you travel all this fucking good air time. Like proper fucking mind-blowing stuff for us. For a couple of idiots from New Zealand. We're on the other side of the globe. And still just being a shambolic is ever. And people still fucking turn up. So clearly this is the first ever live podcast that we've done. And you probably couldn't tell because it's so slick. But it is amazing to think that what you have created,

3:10this far away from our hometowns and our families and our friends back home. And we literally walk into it. And we feel like we've known you forever. We got so much love in London. We went out to catch up for a couple of tins at Camden. And then we had the work in a store. Oh shit, that's loud. The work in a train ride up here with a couple of absolute legends. Hopped straight out into a cab from a bloke. The list of the podcast. We had a tour of Anfield yesterday. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just to get a little bit rometer of the crowd. How many Liverpool fans are here? How many on the other side of the mercy? Are there any lead supporters here? How about how many motherfucking wires supporters we got? Up the fucking wire!

4:10That's just great stuff. So what we wanted to bring a special guest on. And we figured because he's just such a well-known person in this part of the world. And there's a pretty big coup. Ladies and gentlemen, you might know him as SG or the Captain of Liverpool. But please put your hands together for Steven Gerard, ladies and gentlemen. I'm 100% kidding this! No fucking way, is there any up here? You guys are fucking idiots. Fucking come on. What the fuck were you thinking? We're fucking lead supporters. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Oh, I only, only because we get threatened if we support any other team. So this is what's going to happen. We're basically going to do the podcast. And it's normal sort of form.

5:12But Shambolic, couple of war stories. We've even got a lot of radio nicknames as well. And then we'll do a little bit of an ask us anything sort of session that we've got there. And there we've, oh thanks to everybody that's brought the hats, I can thanks mate. Fuck, there's a lot out there. Yeah, good. Yeah, Anna said that she sold seven. But to cash the two, actually, she just bought herself an expensive handbag so I'm assuming it's going to be a little bit of a distribution of funds. Also, how good was it the longer? This is what she wanted. Because we didn't fucking care. But boy did we hear about it. It's got big joe malady on the front. This is great stuff as well. What an engine. I suppose without further, can we rip it? Shall we rip it? Just quickly, I think we have an idea about the person that's travelled the longest distance to get in here. Does anybody know where Gibraltar is?

6:12Is he over there? It's Deanie Vickers. Come on up here, champ. We just want to give you a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. I know this guy's travelled from Gawd. Gawd, which is the bottom of a fucking New Zealand. This is Deanie Vickers. Give me a hug. This is Deanie Vickers. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Give me a hug. Thank you so much, man. This is awesome. That's just a bit kind of a prize. I know there's people that are travelling from all over the place, from all over the UK. So it really does mean a lot to us, Marky, who's been helping us out there. He's coming from the Isle of Man. And he's been a fucking absolute legend.

7:12Benny Boy fucked out, as you know. Classic bananas. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh. Banana. Duh, duh, duh, duh. So, yeah, Mr. Thanks and to Binti and the team here. I mean, having this logo behind us is unreal. I've watched that much Paul Smith. So we're going to call somebody a slag. Somebody a nonc, and we're just going to feel like we're part of that room. Just much of a muchness, you know? Should we do a fucking war story? Yeah! We've got some absolute rappers lined up. So this one here is titled, The Day My Bollocks Nearly Died. So I'm from a small town in the countryside of England. And we will call me Jamie because... That's a fucking name! I was so much... Fuck, that was pretty good. I could tell you better than pub on the corner and I fucking love it!

8:16We should have bought shares in that place before coming over. I was 15 years older than my sexual prime of my life before. It almost got all stripped away from me by a little bastard. Picture this. I was on a school bus on the way home and the bus suddenly broke down. Me and my mates were at the back because we were fucking kangs. A girl I'd never seen before came up to the centre aisle to ask if she could sit with us. She must have been 12. Fresh into secondary school. Now not wanting to be seen with a random young girl, I politely replied. Probably best to say at the front in case a driver does a hair count. Pretty reasonable. I didn't fucking know this girl. Had a screw loose. She'd lost the whole fucking toolbox. So I'm stood facing him and I turned my head back towards my pal's to carry on talking. And then the world turns fucking black.

9:18And I can't remember the last five minutes. I'd been absolutely clattered in the bollocks. Of course I wanted a roundhouse that little prick. But I was too busy clutching my bolls to make sure they didn't shit them out my ass. So... After gathering myself as the guy who just became very seriously fucking uncool, I strutted it off with a limp and a wimper trying to hold any dignity that didn't leak out my sack that I still had left. Now fast forward to the next day I woke up and my heartbeat was in my bolls and I was clutching for my breath. I went for a shower and just as the water was trickling against my bolls it made me collapse and I completely blacked out. My mum told me to stop being such a fucking pussy and go to school. That's the support you look for from her mother. So I got there and I was in a world of bother. I told my mates and anyone I could find about my situation.

10:18Obviously leaving out the fact that I got my ass kicked by a 13 year old girl. But I feel looking back on it I just came across as a really perverted horny teenager who had blue bolls. I went to my first class and I'm telling you I'm trying to focus on bull shit mass when my bolls are growing larger by the minute. Like it was a fucking pipe on my pants. And now... Oh shit! I sat next to the hottest two chicks of the year and I burst out crying and shouting, What nuts, I can't take it anymore. My teacher thinks I'm being a disgusting gag until I offered a show her them which landed me in a little bit more bother. Idiot. So a few hours of waiting for my mum to pick me up and I'm at a clinic with my boxes down and my flaccid penis just limping an Asian man's hand. There is some pretty fucking bad case scenarios where that's got to be up there.

11:24It could be worse though, it could be rock hard. A couple of people nodding at me. They'll be in a Thailand. Are you fucking out? And my mum's eyes are glued to what she had created. I was in the clear until I heard the sheer panic in the doctor's voice. Cooling head to the hospital to get me a room in multiple specialists reading. Now, my mum must have made it cool to my brother at some point who thought, Yeah, that sounds like a fucking good day out. Let's go and stare at my brother and his tiny bolls getting tickled. So he popped along. Near I am waiting for the specialist only to realise my mum and brother start absolutely pissing themselves laughing. Now I'm so confused but the penny drops and I realise the three specialists are all big black African jackdoods. Each of them at least six foot six with the fingers thicker than my cock and swallow balls put together.

12:32Now as you can imagine no awkward boners were in that room. Now I was borderline shaking and all I hear is my brother saying, Hey doc, don't you need a stick at digit and is asked to make sure it hasn't spread? It's an optional extra at that stage. Long story short when the girl punched me in the nuts, she had somehow wrapped the two tests called chords around each other. Both reduced the blood supply to them significantly and I'd been walking around with two twisted fucking bollocks. The doc medents had left it four hours long and they would have physically dropped off the chords in the sack. I wonder what happens in that situation if they just fucking sink into the sack and just kind of hang there. Well I'll tell you. It means they would have died. I was a moving a wank away from having plastic bollocks.

13:32And no chance of ever using my population pace to keep my bloodline going. That's a good turn of phrase. We will use that again and some of those things. That's not the end of it. My mate stopped in a room. It's been spread round school pretty quickly of me having a foul STD in a way only a group of labs could. They were convinced giving me the nickname of Hitler was a bright idea. So rather than it being a bit of a duty stud, but a stud nonetheless I became a pretty shitty world leader with one bollock. I'm still having both my fucking nuts. I guess it's the thought that counts. I now have one test school permanently stitched to my bull bag. However, the right test is cool. Every time I come now goes up into my stomach.

14:41Fuck this is a good start. We might just wrap it up after this and fuck off to the pub. I'm not sure about you guys. I mean, different. So it goes up into my stomach. Me and every time I have sex I have to stand up in front of the poor woman in question. Poke around in my stomach to let the little fella drop... Drop back into the nest and yes, it's as painful as it sounds. And this could be one of the greatest sign-offs to a fucking hig de gian. Anyways, Cheerio. Chaps have a good one. This episode is brought to you by Chat GPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about Chat GPT work? It's the new way to use Chat GPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, you have Chat GPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides and structured reports.

15:45Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting Work Mode, Available on Plus and Pro Plants. I don't know how many episodes we are now, but it's close to 700 or something. I think it's over 5. But... Miles Tony we're in masks. We're a fucking hopeless. Yeah. But it better would be. It's still so impressive to hear the level and what shit gets written into us. And as Bert, we don't read it. It's all like a brand new experience to us when we get to hear it for the same time. So a lot of other professional podcasts will go through and they'll get the stories and edit them or whatever. And you can tell... Well, we're at the opposite end of the scale on that one. Now we have a fucking good time reading your stories. Yes! Fill it up again. Do you want to go another one? Oh, audio. I'll rip into this one here.

16:45This one is from Sam and Mount Munganui. So I had a foolproof plan for removing a snake from my kitchen. Then the fucker went up my sleeve. Get out of my way as you could call me Sam! Tidy. Got a little yarn for you involving a missbaving snake and for once on this podcast that's not a euphemism. Last year I spent a month living on the National Park in Zulu land in South Africa. I was volunteering with just like you fucking are from there. If you are, I'll be impressed. You are! It's gonna be your story! Sheep is creepin'. That's a pretty good throw. I was volunteering with researchers tracking African wild dogs, lions, cheaters, all that fun stuff. Like it's normal?

17:45Yeah. Just all that fucker, that's not the good bit of the story when they move along. We're staying at a research camp far away from any of the tourist lodges. It's a sort of place where lions roaring. We were alarm clock in the morning. You had to lock your rooms with a key because some monkeys near to steal your shit. That was fucking epic! One day during the midday lullback, a camo had something full from a window and land behind the fridge in the kitchen area. Wasn't long before the culprit stuck its little fucking mincey head out. And it was a very long, very green snake. It was pretty skinny probably only advantage-wide, but it was at least to me long. Not huge by African standards. Fucking tough being a key. We bloke at the urinals over there, aye. Well, I can't help you fucking laugh until it's your genetics that we've got.

18:47It was half-mean dick row. It was half way up the back of the fridge waving the first 30 centimetres of a body around like in the air trying to find the next thing to rest it's head on. Clearly this was a snake you'd prefer to be in the trees rather than on the ground. And in all my 23 years of wisdom, I decided that instead of fetching someone who knew what they were doing, I was going to deal with this little fucking danger noodle myself. Now obviously we don't have snakes in New Zealand, no shit. So my experience of handling them is limited to a single much smaller specimen in my arm. Ah well, I fucking watch Steve Irwin and I'll do it, she'll be right. And the fuck corner of the kitchen was a little empty chili bin. Perfect, I thought I'll just hold up the chili bin, let him slither in then I'll take him outside. Easy fucking peasy.

19:47Conveniently on the wall about the chili bin was opposed to showing all the different snakes found in South Africa. I narrowed down these species to three potential candidates. Green Mamba, highly venomous. A boom slung, highly venomous. A green bush snake, fucking sweet as. One out of three odds, fuck it, I'm here now let's go. I grabbed the chili bin, took the little off walk back to the fridge, holding it by the handle, I slowly moved it towards a snake, the snake flicked out its tongue, started reaching out towards a chili bin. Now this is where my perfect plan went a little bit sideways. Instead of going into the chili bin, this cheeky little fuck decided to go around the top of it along the edge where the lid usually sits. And as I mentioned before, the snake was rather long, much longer than the circumference of the chili bin lid. It didn't take longer for it to done a full circle and still had more to come. Now anyone who's played the old game of snake knows that touching its own body is an oggo.

20:52So the fucking knocky of fuck. That's a fucking way to go. So the snake went the only other way it could and that was up my arm. I fucking froze. Suddenly my brain clicked into my one out of three odds of she'll be right. Also I mean two out of three odds of she fucking won't be. More and more snake kept coming from behind the fridge so more and more and more kept going up my arm. By the time the tail of the snake had left the fridge, its head was already up my sleeve and I stayed dead still feeling the snake calmly slither up the back of my neck. I felt its tongue flicking in and out, tackling my ear on the other side. Fuck, that's my worst nightmare. Turned on down the front end to it.

21:52Once the by a snake. Thinking of moving to Africa, can. It's a black mumber. So does the Mrs. We had one beer upstairs. Worcesters kept his mouth shut. Now that I knew where the dodgy end of the snake was I started slowly walking towards the open door trying to move as little as possible but also as quickly as possible. I don't think I've ever seen fuck that many times in a row or that quietly. I managed to get outside without pissing it off slowly dropped to my knees, leaned into a bush and thankfully the snake cooperated this time and slithered it off my sleeve. I slithered it off my sweaty fucking carcass, never to be seen again. Unfortunately I was completely by myself during this whole endeavour and never took a photo of the fucking thing.

22:54So still, who kids? So still to this day I don't know if I was actually in any danger or not. All of the story, I'm a fucking idiot. Up the wards. Fuck that two rippers to start off with. That is great. So I guess we should probably talk about the reason why we're over here now there will be a few... You're very short to be in segments of the show. But for those that don't listen to the podcast all the time, we'll be a few of you out there and guess you got dragged along. Yeah, nice. I didn't hear you. It's also on an accent, we don't understand. But so Jay won it and then New Zealand's Stone Scum in Chance. There needs to be one athlete on the show.

24:00There's proof that anybody in New Zealand can become a national champ at 43 with zero fucking talent. Should have bought the blazer. I'm disappointed I did it. Yes. Missed opportunity hasn't even been pulled out of the bag yet, you know. So, you know, obviously won the trip over here. Naturally I had to come as well and then... And naturally so did Anna. She... And down it, down it. Yeah! She... Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! MVP! MVP! She is going to be a fucking handful later on, but she has been the number one diesel weasel on this trip and in great, great form.

25:10We had her on the train with Liam and Sheet. Well, I think the lads are here somewhere, but fuck she got weasel. She managed to just coerce a bunch of parts down to the person on the booze cart. And by the time we turned up, if fuck she was called... Handbags. Handbags sound like recycling bin. Should we get Liam up here now? No, that's not a border bit. Liam, I think he lambs here somewhere. There he is. We'll run the one mic on this. This is Liam works anonymously in a rail station that we won't name. So we had this awesome, obviously, if you're a travel from London to Liverpool before, there's a great train service. We actually sit there in the pod today and they're like, Bullshit. We are the biggest fans of British rail full stock of public transport. It could be an only fans account.

26:13But we had the best time coming up and as we're sitting on the train, we don't get the shit in New Zealand. So I was peppering him with all these questions. And it's like, what's the first question that you're going to ask a train driver? How fast is it going? 125mh. I was going to do the conversion thing. I realised you fucking know what it is. 124mh. It has a fucking pretty quick train. So what happens when you hit a pigeon in 124mh. There's a water balloon. And it snows feathers. So as well. But then if it gets in your windscreen wiper, I have to stare at it for about three hours. And then the wind wraps around its wings under the flap. I can't see. You're not allowed any phones, no devices. Nothing to take your attention off the job. Which makes since 200 souls behind you, you're travelling at 250 kilometres.

27:16That's what we were talking about. It's like fucking start. It's like, just fucking there's something coming up. There's a bit more to it. There's a dead man pedal. Yes. Yes. You're leaving foot on it so the thing drives. And then every 30 seconds you take your foot off to show you've not died and fallen on it. So that being said, somebody's rolled into the station. Did they? They saw and how it's died and stopped perfectly at the end of the platform. Which is a 30 seconds pass. They stopped perfectly at the end of the window and stopped here. That's fucking gone on with it. Yes, that's it. Now, I want to go back to fucking hitting animals on the tracks. Because there's like, you need a clock how many are there? And you've got a couple of middle of sequins to make a decision, right? There's like a three-shoulder of what's fucking charge on through.

28:17So over five. So if there's over five of any animal. Like ducklings. Well fucks it. And if this is a small animal, five of any, we put the breaking. But when you're traveling so fast, you see something, you start going, one, two, three. Bunk. Fucking bop. You're just going to count the drum roll, like, fuck it was seven there, mate. And laggy. It's like dropping the pack of smarties on the floor. We had a guy that came out to see us from Australia and he drove these road trains. Sixty-ton, unlayed, and these things were. So when they've got all of them loaded up with iron ore, this thing is so fucking heavy. And he told us how he punted a one and a half ton camel. He didn't even feel the steering wheel twitch. And just fucking watched it fly off like a touchfinder in rugby. Unbelievable. Oh, you would have seen some pretty, pretty grim shit on the train as well, most recently,

29:18a porn getting filmed. Yep, yep. We had it. Yep. Yep, yep, yep. How did we look? They're not just best mates these days. Yeah. How do you think they paid for it? So, it's my end of need to get so pissed. But what was the deal with them? And then the other bloke that got stuck on the toilet would be a couple of cracking yarns that you could cook me share? Well, the porno, I was just driving. And then I got a knock on the door to tell me that the police were going to... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was really nice. It's the first time we've had one with no faults. And I just got told, police are coming. So when you see the platform, yeah. And yeah, the police are going to be here because there's two people filming a porno in the toilet. They're handcuffed together.

30:19There's a director in there. There's a film crew in there. And then the passengers are listening to me all going on. They were two weeks ago. So, we used a link to that. For those that are asking, you fucking grubs. But they, like as soon as it arrives, they'll get arrested, yeah? Yeah. They still not found the woman, but the description was she had a £5,000 handbag. So we'll send you the link so that we can pay it off. The police finds in this country a fucking outrageous court costor out the gate. What about the reason why they changed their handles and the toilets? Do you remember if you go into the toilets, there'd be like a little arm that will lie flat so you can, because obviously they roll about. We changed them because of below lubed one up.

31:30Sorry about that. I think this thing was like a fucking thermos. I get what's missing. So we got stuck because... So... And so what procedure was the world's worst tug of war next? Fucking hell, some people, I... Which we lost, by the way. So, yeah, ambulance. Removing. Screaming. That was me screaming. Yeah, that was ages ago. I just started to say, thankfully, I'd etched out my minds until you got this out of me. What noise was it me? No. It's like a drum bone. The other thing we found out as well on the trip was the fact that trains hold 26 of dinos.

32:34I'm not entirely sure if we're going to talk about this, but... Well, we are. The fuck part about it, and this was raised by Mark, is that the 10 sticks of dynamite in the front and 10 sticks of dynamite in the back. But when you hit something, what fucking goes first? It'll be the front of the back so it'll make the explosion bigger. Oh, good one, Jay. Never fucking thought about that. They're not quite like... You're talking like Crash Bandicoot, dynamite. It's not like a red stick with a fuse on it. But it's so that if something happens and we can't stop other trains, we go out and run. Which I don't mind doing you cheeky twats. Do you reckon that Liam can do one in a quarter miles for the fucking life to be in it on it? I was in the camp for like a water wanker. And we run them on the court and we towards the next uncommon train, we pop them down and then wave.

33:38It's just like good luck. So yeah, good luck. If they missed that, the train on fire and me waving, the explosion underneath makes you go, oh shit. Something's going on. And that's if the radio failed, like, this is like... This is fucking worst case scenario. Right down the... worst case scenario you got to run one in a quarter miles. Eleverantly breakfast. Now you've got an interesting nickname as well. A mate of yours or somebody that works on the train with you, maybe not a mate. I worked with someone whose name was Kit Kat Dan. Because on a holiday in Gran Canaria. He ended up with four fingers of his ass. And then when I asked... When I asked why not the thumb, each annually said, I'm not an animal.

34:47Right, ladies and gentlemen, Liam, thank you so much for joining us right fuckingly. Absolutely, Liam. What a fucking superstar. That is a... A touching... literal touching segue into maybe a not-for-adio nickname, so the special, if you will. Would you like some nicknames? Okay, this one here, I'm going to start things off. This is from Stuart Monks. I had a mate called Ovlov. He got run over by Ovlov, so he named him after the mark the badge left on his forehead. Oh my god. Man, fuck that. There's this still any good nicknames that left him. Fuck, we've done them to death and they still come through. This one is from anonymous, when you're a guy called Shit Face. He's on his first weekend at college, he got hammered, had to take a shit and in the midst of wiping,

35:51forgot that he was doing a wipe, the sweat off his forehead. So I tracey, we're the guy who always carries this bag around, so he's called Harry Hanbag, his son started doing... A son started in the same company, so he was called the purse. Yeah, nice. Charlie Reynolds, we nicknamed my mate's bird black Betty. Because her name was Ember Lang. Whoa, black Betty. That is fucking hell. That is fucking elite. And this last one for me from Carl, I worked for a guy named John Steven here, one testicles, so we called him uneven Steven. This one from John Ray, we ever made new Wiener and Conscious and started fitting whilst on holiday with his family.

36:51Ever since he needs to be known, no, it's Julius Caesar. Okay, what's next? This is Paul Davis, I used to work with a bloke named Mike Milone when Herman and his wife split up and he took the kids. Everybody at work started to call him Ho. It's in Home Alone. Oh my, sorry mate, if you're listening to this. This is Jordy Henson, mate as a concave chess, a week-all and pirate, because he's got a sunken chess. This is me, Von Casey, we used to work with a guy named Nickname Two Shed because he was so full of shit, one she couldn't hold at all. And this is Brian Clancy, we work with a guy who is notorious for telling bullshit stories, so he's known as the Atom because he makes everything up.

37:56That dunk's laugh has become pretty famous. Emma Farts, and it's Farts, mate. We're in your studio together and dunks on the Street Health Kick where he's just eating fucking broccoli and lettuce. And he's just become, oh you can tell that. Po-fine. No, that no, no, it's the fucking fiber that started taking. And that just fuck, I'll just tooting all day long. I'm so sorry for Jay, but I mean after Twente, just give up trying to hold it. More health tips coming up later in the pod, but I just figured that we could sell that secret. It's so well known. I was just wondering if anybody could bother doing an imitation of dunk. We'll get like three people that have a cracker and we'll just give the best a prize of some description. It's a hand up, yep you there mate, come on up. Come on up, anyone else? Yes in the front and anyone over this side will never crack in it. We can go with two.

38:56You? Yeah. I love it when someone's Mrs. Nominate's there mate. Fuck it. That was a fucking chief. And the ande is up there. That's fucking each year. What's your name? Reese. Reese. No way brother. Yeah. There's a row of dunks. There's a row of dunks everywhere. Dunks. There's another dunk. I don't know. I've had this conversation. What's your name? George. Radio. So Andy you go first mate, give us your best dunk. You're gonna go on a plausible leader on this one. Last one. Fuck you could take it. Ha ha ha. Fucking that's it. Come back up here. Come back up here mate. Radio. Round of applause do you think, Handy Andy took it out? Dunk number two.

39:58Dunk number three. Woo. Okay so the winner is the winner. The winner is the winner. The winner is the winner. The winner gets an illegal warriors hat. We're going to make knuckles who makes our hats. He's a fucking leech. He's got a great podcast called Propotary Yarns. And he's seen us in Propotary legal warriors merch. That's an up the wise hat. You can't get the media where we're asking us out. That's the 95 on the side. So are we won or were we number three? Number one. Number three. Number one of those handy Andy. Congratulations mate. Congratulations mate up the world. Congratulations brother. Well done. We've got a bit more stuff to give away but we probably need to get our fucking redler dags a little bit. We're getting booted out of here soon. How much time we got? We took 85 minutes to get an intro to play that we never ended up playing. What is how to fucking serve?

40:5911 on the edge. So I've got a war story here from Danny Carroll. Would you like to hear that? Radio. Picture this scene. It's this beautiful Sunday morning. Chelsea Football Club are playing Wolverhampton away. And I've taken my then 11 year old nephew to the game. Half time approaches and it's lunchtime. So I'm quiet at the youth. You're hungry. And being a youth he obviously says yes. So off we go to queue for 15 minutes for process cows ass hole in a bun. And as I had an early start at the large black coffee for me. We return to us. It's just as the players are returning to the field. And I bif the coffee and kick off for the second half start. It was at this point my bladder said hey I know we've been just 15 minutes for you to go. But guess what? So I turn around to the guy behind me who's got two kids of similar ages. Can you watch the boy for two minutes I need to have a piss? He helped me grease and I run up the stand two steps at a time as it started to become a matter of urgency.

42:04I make it to the urinal with moments to spare. It's at this point I'd like to categorize the two types of men. No, not length and girth. But those who hold the boxes and lazy bastards who hook the waistband under their giant dunks until. And until that day I was a lazy bastard. To give you a level of how much relief this was, what turned it to be, what felt like I'd an eternity to pee, I closed my eyes and was achieving an almost religious state of zen. I give the old fellow a bit of a shake. And at a perfect moment of relaxation, I've always popped into my head this game's on TV. If your sister sees that you've left her child alone, she's going to fucking kill you. And with haste I go to zip up and give the waistband a little... I give the waistband a little flick to Southpac away and use both to yank up my fly.

43:06Now this is an over-I've performed thousands of times but probably never at the speed and there's good reason. Because the thread of Frankenbeans is forever real. I managed to get a fair amount of cockskin and the hope... ...that is a sentence I've only ever read once. A fair amount of cockskin. I managed to get a fair amount of cockskin and the whole polo neck caught in the fly. Polo neck. The pain was instantaneous. I tried to pull the fly down and I didn't have the strength to unmangle my junk from the claws of death. I was like, chees. That is a fucking... The whole time I have on my mind I need to get back to my seat. Then and what was probably the only lucky part of the whole day, a bloke who had had a few beers at halftime into the toilet and exclaimed to the stranger, I think I've cut my cock off.

44:11He then looks down and states, no, it's still there but it's not looking fucking pretty. Munted dick, bro. And a crazy piece of like a few beers deep gentleman was a member of the London ambulance service and said, don't worry, I've seen this before. Okay. He then grabs a waistband of my jeans and puts his foot on my foot with the bottom of the leg in between. Without... Without so much as a one, two, three or a brace yourself, he pulls my zipper down, releasing little Danny to freedom. My new friend looks at my mangled cock and says words, no man ever wants to hear, I think your cock's gonna need some stitches mate. I nearly fainted.

45:12But then I thought, but then I thought mangled cock and I can't leave my 11 year old. Hundreds of miles from his home on his own. So I washed the blood off, packed the old fellow with some toilet paper return to the game. Now you'd think this would be the end to my tale but no. I then had to drive from Wolverhampton to London to return my nephew to home as I pre-arranged, as a pre-arranged, I call my brother-in-law to find out where to drop him. He answers the phone and states, I'm at the fucking pub, which is in the same road as their house. So I say, fuck it, I'll drop him there. My brother-in-law, three of his friends are enjoying a late summer sun outside the pub. I usher my nephew towards his dad and keen to inspect the damage, head straight to the toilet. I carefully unpack the car crash. I carefully unpack the car crash that is in my underwear to be greeted by what I can only describe as the egg plant emoji.

46:16I nearly faint again. As on the man in my mid-20s, he's always enjoyed having a penis and what I'm looking at looks like fucking amputation is on the cards. I repack the toilet paper, resolve myself to have him go to the hospital and tell him I think I've cut my cock off in a Wolverhampton toilet. I head back to the table where my brother and oriners friends are and tell them the story that I've just told you and how my cock is fucking destroyed. I thought I met B-Left. I thought I'd be met with laughter or shock, but what I got was fucking awesome. Show us. Fuck off was my instant reply, but after a few go-ons we want to see. Ah, fuck it. So we all head into the genes and the ultimate, what are the fucking chances? There's an off-duty copper set at the bar.

47:17This episode is brought to you by ChatGPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about ChatGPT work? It's the new way to use ChatGPT for bigger multi-step projects and when you need more than just answers, give ChatGPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting Work Mode, available on plus and pro plants. He's seen me walk into the pub, not by a single drink, spend a while in the bathroom, walk back out of the pub like a cowboy to return to the same toilets followed by four-tanked gentleman. And this member of the thin blue line put two and two together on a Saturday afternoon and he did not come up with what looks like a man who's nearly cut his cock off. Walking into the bathroom to show his brother-in-law. What probably didn't help us when he entered the bathroom, all five of us were in one cubicle.

48:29He thought he had stumbled on fucking Pablo Escobar's little brother, gives a toilet door a firm portion, identifies himself as a police officer and stop whatever we're doing. I still remember the look of confusion on his face. As I said to him, it's not what you think. I think I've cut my cock off. It was at this point that it dawned on the others that this could be misconstrued as a drug-fueled homo erotic trip to the toilet. And the back of a cop car to the station might be on the cards. My brother-in-law then thinks the best thing to do was to tell the policeman that he was my brother-in-law. This now makes it a semi-incestral homo erotic encounter. Anyway, all in the trouser department healed and those mangrove balls produced a son just a few years later. Oh, the fucking way.

49:31Now, we are getting the wrap up to finish up the pod, but we need to get him up here. That's what the red light is on assuming the red light is how you're fucking red. Oh, yeah, that's exactly what I meant. How much time we got? Is it? And we got much time left? Oh, do we need to wrap it up? I'll wrap it up. Or just just quickly when he get up, Danny Carroll, who wants to see his cock? Eh! Get up here, quick round of applause. He's one of the absolute legends. Thank you very much. We're going to have a chat with you, but we're run fucking long. Now, to everybody that's, um, to everybody that, uh, grabbed themselves a hat and put their name and signed this, we're going to be writing this on the back of pub doors saying, anyone want a bum, give me a call.

50:32I'm kidding. But thank you very much, uh, buying those hats literally means that we'll, uh, we'll be able to fund this trip. It is tough work. So, uh, I'm going to read out your number. Oh, nice. Oh, no fucking. Okay, well, it's only Nick is the first name. So, if you're a Nick, you're in the, you're in the, you're in the drawer. So, the number is 07811825451. If Nick is in here with that number, come on in here. Yay! It's an up the worship for you. Here's another one. John Swampy Blackwood. Where's John Swampy Blackwood? Is that Nick? Congratulations, mate. That's yours brother, man. A little out the way, so happy you. Nick, uh, John Swampy Blackwood, I see you here somewhere here. Here's Swampy.

51:34We got to hire the fucking good luck. Legion. It's a lucky day. Thank you very much. We got another one here. This is, um, this is not brand new. You're going to smell like dunk Ian Davies. Ian Davies is here. There he goes, mate. Congratulations up the motherfucking was. Andy Guild. Andy Guild, and you get out of here, mate. This is going to look like a rash hit on you if you get stressed. Poor you guys, Ralph. He didn't see, he can't see shit under these lights. And the last one.

52:38Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What's that? What's that? We got another hat. We got another hat. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is that Ian Davies? Yeah. Yeah. And this is the last one. This is the shirt off my fucking back. So Karen, ever, you wrote like a drunk person. Fuck you've been in the pub on the corner. The number's Karen Cork. Karen Cork. Karen Cork. Karen Corks. Karen Corks. Redraw. Fuck it. Abynu. Karen Abynu, something? Redraw, shat handwriting. Here's a phone number. The phone number looks like it's been written in. Is it you? What?

53:38No, no, no, no, no. That's not me. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. That's not me. No, no, no, no. That's not me. No, no, no, no. That's not me. That's not me. No, no, no, no. That's not me. No, no, no. That's not me. That's not me. Oh, fuck it. This is it. Yeah. Yeah. I'll set you. I'm sure. Okay. It's stuck and working. Er, Alexander Blau Colony. Colony. Alexander Colony. Colony. Alexander Colony. Retro. Fucking hell, you guys are shit at handwriting. It's not high, high, high, or glyphics. This is an easier one to fucking read. Lewis Lys, where the fuck are you? Lewis Lyle. Lewis Lyle. Lewis Lyle.

54:38Lewis Lyle. Lewis Lyle. Lewis Lyle. Lewis Lyle. Yeah. Well, I think we really need a rap part. Yeah, we need to get out so we can get the team out. We're going to come outside and catch up. Anybody that wants to get a photo? We want to have a quick catch up. I think someone's got a pub plan for after this. What would make it really epic for the team and heirs? If you've got any glasses or cans if you could grab them with you in your head out? We just want to say once again, I say once again, thank you so much for coming out. We absolutely love you. We'll be out there. We'll be out there. It's come of joiners. Can we get a quick photo? Hey, Hank, Hank, they... Oh, really? We'll come out and catch up with everybody in the whiskey bar so we can clear it all out. Oh, mate, we've got tubes. Taken with you and we'll drink them out there with you. Thank you so much. We'll meet you out front real short. We'll pack this shit up. We'll see you soon. Thank you.

56:07This episode is brought to you by Chat GPT. Hey, it's Bill Simmons from the Bill Simmons podcast. Have you guys heard about Chat GPT work? It's the new way to use Chat GPT for bigger multi-step projects. And when you need more than just answers, give Chat GPT work access to your apps and files and it can create real work documents like spreadsheets, slides, and structured reports. Get started at chatgpt.com by selecting Work Mode, Available on Plus and Pro Plans.