The In-Between Trap: When They’re Not Fully Available — The Claressa Shields Situation

0:00If they're not fully available, then the relationship is not going to fully develop. And that is what we're talking about today. Now, have you tuned in because you dislike, despise, or hate Claresse of Shoes, and are expecting to hear disrespectful commentary or derogatory remarks about her and the situation she's in? Did you are in the wrong place? That's not what we do on this show. Welcome back to relationship status, uncomplicated the podcast. This is season 3. And we're doing things differently this time. This season, we're looking at real life, high profile relationships, not to judge people, never that, and absolutely not to just sit up here and gossip. But to take away the lessons, because if you can see the pattern out there, you can correct it in your own life. Today's pattern is one that a lot of people ignore. I call it the in-between relationship track, which is the situation Claresse of Shoes is

1:02in. This is when someone is separated, sometimes legally, sometimes just living separately, emotionally tied to someone else through children or other family relations, or still legally connected through sheer business interest or real estate ownership. You know, all most divorce, not all the way done, but for the most part through with it. Yeah, right there. They have not worked out everything. There's no closure, not finalized, but you're trying to build something real with them anyway. And the problem is, you're trying to build a full relationship with a partially available person. Just because someone is physically present with you does not mean they are fully available. If they are still legally bound, emotionally tied, or in the process of ending something, that a part of them is still somewhere else. And that matters. It makes a difference because you're not starting fresh.

2:02You're stepping into unresolved emotions, unresolved dynamics, unresolved attachments. Think you can build something on top of that, but that's not how you establish a solid foundation. Time is necessary. Time is necessary to adjust and adapt. Time is necessary to heal and recruit a person that's been a serious long term relationship. Really should take some time to get to know themselves again before they get involved in another relationship. They need to reestablish it since itself, regain their individuality, re-evaluate their values, reconnect with their interest and desires, and relearn who they are outside of being in a relationship, outside of being someone's partner. I'm not saying you have to stay single until you're completely healed, and I'm not suggesting you have to wait for any specific period of time.

3:02Now as far as Clarissa Shields' relationship, I think the main problem is that she chose to put it on public display. Too much, too soon. Now for me, I'm a very private person, so when it comes to relationships, I'm slow to publicize broadcast and share my relationship status. Always been like that. And it's not because I'm side-piece or dating married men, I genuinely believe there's something sacred about keeping a relationship low profile. You know, at least while it's developing, because when you're not constantly putting your relationship on display, when you don't feel like you're on the stage of life, you have the opportunity to build, to grow, create that intimacy without everybody looking and watching. Because everybody doesn't need to know what's happening between you and the person you're dealing with. Everybody doesn't need access to the relationship. Everybody shouldn't feel like their opinion count or is important.

4:05And everybody doesn't need an update on the progress of every phase of the relationship. Now I'm talking privacy, not secrecy. Private does not mean secret. Now I do understand that celebrities have a different challenge when it comes to protecting and maintaining privacy. But these days, most of what we know of celebrities comes from the celebrities themselves. But then on the other side, just because you are seeing with someone or been linked to someone, there's still that space where you can decline to confirm it, even if you don't necessarily deny it. But even if it is confirmed and verified, there's still a certain level of privacy that can be protected and maintained. Now, a secret relationship is something that you're actively hiding. It is about deciding that something belongs to you and the person you're sharing it with and that everybody doesn't automatically get access.

5:06For me, keeping a low profile has always been about protecting the relationship while I figure out what it actually is. I don't like to announce and introduce and do all that before I even know what the relationship really means to me. And honestly, I'm pretty sure that's a result of playing the fool in the past. Or sometimes we talk too much about a good thing and it gets destroyed and dismantled by the negativity of others. Because once you put a relationship out there, you're not just going to have to deal with managing and maintaining the relationship. Now you're managing the relationship while filtering through the opinions and suggestions of others. And those opinions and suggestions are based on their perception of love. Those opinions and suggestions are based on their perception of life. Those opinions and suggestions are based on what they think they know about the relationship or just the little tidbits of information you have actually given them about the relationship.

6:07And sometimes I think the main issue with Clarissa and Papu is that he's uncomfortable with the publicity. I think that's their main issue. But not in terms of preferring secrecy because he's obviously not trying to hide the relationship. But under the circumstances of his marital situation, I think he would have definitely preferred to keep the nature of their relationship much more low key. They are in that in between trap. And that's why closure and resolve is very important. It's required to be able to move forward and start over with someone new, fresh and clean. Now I got two situations I know from real life, two different men who didn't divorce and completely cut ties. Portially because children, family relations, things of that nature, but also because they wanted to stay connected as the way to possibly go back.

7:09Now whatever was a situation with the man I knew when we were teenagers, we sorta liked each other back in a day, but he was a little bit older and my mom was not going for that. So when we became adults, it was cool to reconnect and see him again. It was still a little flirty, a little happy interaction. But he was telling me that he was married, but he was separated. But at the same time, he was still trying to see what was up with me. Now during the conversation, we were discussing the fact that he was just not meeting anyone that he felt was getting serious enough for him to really be able to build a connection with. Now I suggested that maybe the issue was due to him still being married. He dismissed that. He said that shouldn't be a problem. He was confused as to why I would even bring that up because in his mind, he separated. But then he went on to say that he wasn't going to go through with the divorce and really

8:12totally completely walk away until he found someone that he felt like he could start over with. It was so surprise slash offended. But I let him know. I don't deal with married men. I'm not coming in under those circumstances. I let him know. It was definitely a problem for me. I wonder how his situation turned out. So I don't know if he stayed with his wife or found somebody that allowed him to move forward and end the relationship. I was sticking around to find out. Now another scenario a little bit closer. This is with one of my brothers. Him and his wife are separated for over two years. I'm talking separate residences. On child support, date and other people, anger, hostility, resentment, all of it. In one day, I go to my brother's place to hang out with him and the children while they're

9:13over visiting for the weekend. Go up in there and his wife is sitting on the couch chilling watching TV, sipping wine and polishing her nails. I was so surprised and confused. And when I asked, what are you doing here? It's any sister would. She laughed and said, me and the kids live here now. I was speechless, but I'm on my own business. But that's what taught me that not divorced is still married. And separated does not guarantee the relationship is actually over. The marriage is still very much alive and active, legally, mentally, emotionally and a lot of times physically. Another problem with being caught in the in between trap, a movement for one relationship into another without taking the time to reset is that you end up taking that old

10:13problematic version of yourself into the new relationship. Because one of the divorce may be attributed to the specific actions of one partner or the other, ultimately relationships are rarely, if ever, virtually never that simple. Nobody walks away completely blameless. And I'm not saying everybody is equally to blame. I'm talking about the fact that relationships are the product of two people and all of the dynamics between them. A relationship is the totality of everything that was said and done, everything that wasn't said, everything that was left undone. Now it's the negative, but it's not just the flaws, failures, shortcomings and mistakes. It's also the accomplishments, successes, victories and celebrations. All of those things are intertwined. And because there is always some good and some happy and some sweet times in there, that

11:25also creates the problem when it's time to walk away. All of that creates the relationship. Very few behaviors happening complete isolation from everything else that has been happening within the relationship. But let me just say this, I don't believe there's any reason there's no justification for cheating. Honestly, I believe it's cowardly and childish because if you're done, be done. And I'm not going to sit up here and go into the morality of it. I'm just saying, if you're done, be done. And I'm not going to say that someone is the reason that they're partner cheated on them. But what I'm saying is the disconnect and the relationship often begins long before the betrayal. That's why communication is important. You just have to really work through these things either to move forward successfully or to just understand and recognize when it's over and done.

12:31Sometimes there are issues that are left on the dress and don't get resolved. Sometimes it is a breakdown in communication. Values and priorities sometimes change. There may have been disagreements that people just can't come to any type of terms on to move forward. And peace, and sometimes it's just an unwillingness to compromise or there's a growing unwillingness to sacrifice for the relationship. So by the time the cheating happens, the relationship may have already been disconnected for quite some time. That doesn't excuse the cheating and it doesn't make the person who got cheated on or responsible for it. It just simply means that if you don't take the time to honestly examine what happened in the relationship you just left, you may actually walk into the next relationship carrying those same behavior patterns that created the dysfunction in the relationship you just left. And if you don't spend time by yourself in a space where you can focus on and deal with

13:36self, you absolutely will carry that old version of yourself and those old behavior patterns and that old relationship identity into a new relationship. You know, people will often say, well, it's really over. We're really just waiting on the papers. It's basically done. But basically is not the same as actually trying isn't doing, doing isn't done, done, complete. And if it's not complete, cut and dry is not clean. And if it's not clean, then it's messy. And if it's messy, then it's not stable. They are not fully available. The relationship absolutely cannot be fully developed. And no matter how real it feels, you're still operating in a situation that isn't fully yours. You're not building something new. You're standing in the midst of the rubble of something that was already built.

14:38And even though it's falling apart, even though parts of it have been destroyed, some of it is still standing. So before you try to build something new, you have to decide what's going to be done with what's left standing that needs to be resolved. It needs to be worked out because until you do the relationship has ended and until it ends, nothing else can truly begin. Emotional responsibility changes relationships. Let's make relationships uncomplicated.