The Hidden Dynamics of Love and Healing

0:00We're leaving today and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving, princess meeting and greetings. Lightsaber clashing! The boylight's on tower of terror dropping! Banshee flying! Space Mountain launching! Galaxy rewinding! What's the one that looks galaxy rewinding? Fireworks igniting! World of other worlds, for whatever you love. Infinite worlds await at the most magical place on earth Walt Disney World Resort! You might not miss them, you might miss who you were with them. Because sometimes it's not the person, it's the version of you that felt something you don't feel now. My name is John Kim, you're listening to the Angry Therapeutic podcast, where we work on ourselves just enough to be tolerable at dinner parties. On today's episode, five relationships, truths that no one told you about.

1:02Hey, going back to the people at dinner parties who constantly talk about their growth and their journey and their new non-negotiables, you know who I'm talking about. And if you don't know who I'm talking about, it might be you. Sometimes I feel like people who are working on themselves, sometimes I feel like saying, just keep it to yourself, keep it on the inside. You don't need to broadcast every revelation that you are having. I mean, that being said, I remember when I was going through my first act break and it was very exciting to finally, you know, look at yourself and grow and go on that your hold, you know, ePray love journey. So maybe I should shut up because maybe it needs to be broadcasted. I don't know. Anyway, truth number one that no one prepared you for, you might not miss them. You might miss who you were with them because sometimes it's not the person, it's the version of you that felt something you don't feel now, right?

2:04Chosen, wanted, but also alive because even if we were in unhealthy relationships, that unhealthy also made us feel alive, also produced a lot of dopamine, right? And so it's not about if it was healthy or not. I mean, of course it's about that as far as sustainability but you may not miss the actual person. You may miss how that dynamic made you feel. And I got to say, you know, I've been in relationships and I don't even know if they were healthier or not unhealthy. But I remember and it might have been the timing of where you were at in your life. But I remember how that relationship made me feel. And before we judge it as healthier and healthy or toxic or whatever, before we put that under a microscope, the feeling is true. You know, what you felt at the aliveness, the newness, the crazy, the, you know, if that relationship gave you a cape, whatever that made you feel was real.

3:07You know, I'm saying. And so a lot of times we don't miss the person. We miss how we felt in that dynamic. We miss who we were in that relationship. So before we start labeling it unhealthy or healthy or whatever, how we felt was true. There was an imprint there. And that's what we miss. I think it's important to know this because a lot of times we just associate how we felt with that person. And then we think we missed a person or the relationship. And we may want around two. We may want that back. And then we get it back and we're like, oh, this is not what I thought it would be like. And that's because it's different now. And a lot of times that magical summer and that could have been three months or five years but I call it a magical summer because it's like that magical summer that can't be replicated because it was just the collision of two people at that moment in their lives that made it so powerful, right? And I think a lot of times we want to do it again. We go try to do it again. And it's something's missing.

4:07And what's missing is yeah, time has passed and you can't recreate that magical summer. Truth number two that no one prepares you for. You can be healed or I would like to say be healing. I don't know if anyone is like fully healed. I don't like that concept. I think we are healing until we die, you know? You can be in your healing and still be attracted to your wound. Growth doesn't egress imprinting. It just gives you awareness. Your body may still light up for what once hurt you. Healing is choosing different anyway. And this is I think the part I really want to underline. Healing is choosing different anyway. You're gonna gravitate toward what you gravitate toward. I don't care how far you've come or how many self-help books you've read. We snap back, we remember. This is also why you crave sugar. And this is also why sometimes you're gonna allow yourself to binge at 12 o'clock going through a taco bell drive-through

5:09we're human, you know? And when it comes to love and sex and intimacy and everything that we crave or when it comes to feeling desired and wanted we can snap back. And healing just means to choose one donut instead of a dozen. You know what I'm saying? Healing just means to be aware of what's happening where it's coming from. And then ultimately you get to choose, you know? If you want to go back or if you want to do something like get back with an ex or sleep with someone who you know is bad for you because you wake up in the morning feeling empty it's not about shaming yourself. I think this shame because shame is such a little frequency I think shame is going to be the thing that doesn't allow yourself to heal. You know, I think shame is peeling scabs. And so being aware of your choices not shaming yourself for them. And as long as you're honest with yourself

6:10you'll start to say, oh, okay, I'm aware of this now. I just went for the ride last time because it felt good. But now I'm aware of this. It did feel good, but not as good. And you know what? I don't think I want this anymore, right? And every time you're aware, so it's like like the donut analogy. Okay, so you love donuts, right? I love donuts. One is self love. 12 is self-loathing. But in the process from one to 12, like say you have 12, you feel sick. You're aware of it. Next time there's a craving and then you have 10. You feel sick. You're aware of it. Next time you have the craving, you have eight. You feel sick. You're aware of it. Next time you're gonna have five. And you don't feel that sick, but you also don't really feel good about yourself. And you're not judging yourself. You're just being aware. And this is my truth. And this is where I'm at and five donuts. I get hooked at five donuts, right? And then next time you have this craving for sugar and then you have say three, right?

7:12And then one day you crave donuts and after one donut, you're like, you know what, I've been here before. And one donut feels good. I feel fulfilled. I'm okay at one. And it was just a really simple analogy, but I think love can be the same because it's still dope with me, right? We're still chasing the high. And maybe with love one night with someone or one conversation or one text, that's enough. And you're like, I'm good. I've been down this road. I don't need to go three months with this person, right? I don't need to have 12 donuts. So I think awareness, I think being kind to ourselves, I think over time, as long as you're honest and as long as you're aware, you will realize the consequences, especially if the consequences are tied to how you feel and how you feel about yourself, right? All right, number three. Three, a fact about love that no one prepares you for. Compatibility isn't about shared hobbies.

8:14It's about shared nervous system pace. And I gotta say, this is something that we don't think about. When we think about compatibility, like say you're on a date and you're thinking this person's compatible with you, you're thinking about shared interest, right? You're thinking about like, you know, if you guys want children, you're thinking about banter, humor, taste in music, food. Have you ever thought to yourself after going on a date or meeting someone and thinking about it through compatible with this person or maybe you're like, you know, a month into the nearest person? Have you ever thought about like nervous system pace? One of you processes fast, one needs space, one needs reassurance, right? Have you thought about the dance between your nervous systems? I don't know about you, but I have not. If your rhythm constantly clashes, love starts to feel like work instead of flow. And you know, of course, it requires work, it requires practice. But man, if you guys can communicate about how your nervous system feels

9:14and how to kind of like, how your nervous systems can regulate each other instead of disregulate each other. I mean, at the end of the day, that's what we're talking about, right? How your nervous systems can jail, can dance, and there's gonna be days that you're stepping on toes, but how your nervous system can actually regulate each other. I mean, talk about compatibility, talk about a safe container, talk about, you know, the greenhouse that you can create where you guys are now healing each other instead of creating panic and tracing old blueprints. I think most of us, if we're not thinking about this, we can be in a relationship constantly activating each other. And I would say even sometimes retraumatizing each other, you know, the same fights that you grew up with, same reactions, people throwing chairs, a character assassination, if nervous systems are actually holding each other and regulating each other, then by being with this person, I mean, think about this. You would sleep better? And I don't wanna, can I just lock myself into a corner?

10:16Am I blaming my partner for my or our nervous systems for not being with sleep? I've had insomnia for many years, something I've struggled with. It was so bad, one point, two years of not sleeping and getting to a point where I thought, oh, this is, I could see how someone would take their life, you know, it's like that condition where some people really have this like humming in their ear and it never goes away. I think it's one of the highest conditions where people actually take their life is that like this constant ringing in your ear that never goes away. And I remember two years of insomnia feeling like, fuck, I don't know if I could live like this. Anyway, sorry, I didn't need to get so dark. But regulating nervous systems, nervous systems that move at the same pace, you're gonna sleep better. You're going to be in expansion mode and that's where love lives, not in constructing mode, right? You're gonna basically be able to create a corrective love experience. Man, it's huge. It's huge, the pace of both nervous systems.

11:16So the question that asks yourself, whether you're single now, dating or if you're in a relationship, are your nervous systems regulating each other or disregulating each other? It's a great place to start. And there's gonna be so many conversations that come from that. Of course, homework. But are your nervous systems regulating each other? And this is just people that you share a bed with, friends, family. You know, when you go home for Thanksgiving, chances are your family and all of the family nervous systems, they are not regulating each other, right? Chances are there's a lot of this regulation. And this is why there's also a lot of reactions and people throwing peas at the wall through Thanksgiving. Be protective of your nervous system, choose wisely. And if you're with someone where your nervous systems are not regulating each other, then that's the work, you know? It doesn't mean to suddenly end a relationship. It just means, okay, let's start there. How do we start getting our nervous systems to regulate? And I gotta say, a lot of it has to do with not talking. A lot of it has to do with holding each other.

12:17A lot of it has to do with non-verbal stuff, you know, dropping into your bodies. Sharon Costa Rica, one of the things that Vanessa and I do, which replaced working out and also replaced writing more, like, you know, she feels that I'm the most grounded on my motorcycle. And now we surf, we surf together. We're not on the same surfboard, but we do surf together. And that's become kind of our new way to kind of regulate our nervous systems together, you know? So there's a lot of creative ways that you guys can get in sync with your nervous system, not just talking about your feelings, right? I mean, obviously that's part of it, sure. But doing things that are somatic, doing yoga together, making love, making love, but in a corrective way, where it's different than how you're used to making love. And there is some kind of alignment, right? Also, like if you're gonna get into a fight, try to fight without fighting and focus on each other's nervous system while you're fighting so that is corrective instead of going down the old path where people are just slamming doors and not being able to repair ruptures, right?

13:18Anyway, wow, what a great, powerful new question to ask yourself. And also for me, today a reminder, are our nervous systems regulating each other or just regulating each other? This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. It's March and March includes International Women's Day, a moment to celebrate women's strength and progress while also recognizing how much they carry every day. I mean, between caring for others and managing unseen responsibilities from momming to menopauseing and all the stuff that they have to go through, their emotional well-being can easily be overlooked. And so I just wanna thank women, all women, all ages, all walks of life and what better way to thank them than just to offer, maybe offer them a safe space, offer them therapy so they could take care of themselves. If you don't know about BetterHelp, BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict road of conduct and they're fully licensed in the US.

14:18BetterHelp is the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your own therapy. A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences and are 12 plus years of experience in industry leading match fulfillment rates means that they typically get it right the first time. Anyway, they have over 30,000 therapists. So if you know any woman who needs a safe space, who needs to process anything, who needs a little bit of self-love, maybe give them BetterHelp. You can sign up today right now to get 10% off BetterHelp. Just go to BetterHelp.com that's better, h-e-l-p.com slash angry. Hey, I know you're building something like everyone else today and let me tell you the best way to do it to save time and work smarter and start of harder is Squarespace.

15:19Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform design to help you stand out and succeed online. So whether you're just starting out or you're scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and of course get paid all in one place. Here are some things I love about Squarespace one, the cutting edge design, especially today where there's just so much noise, Squarespace collection of cutting edge design tools. Anyone can build a bespoke online presence that perfectly fits with their brand or business. They have an AI-enhanced website builder to get a fully custom website in just a few steps. Also, the other thing I love about Squarespace is their donations function. You could fundraise directly on your website and grow your impact with built-in donation tools. This was a powerful thing that I wish I had when our house caught on fire in the Altidina fires, which makes it easy to start any fundraiser.

16:23So head to squarespace.com forward slash angry right now for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use code angry for 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Work smarter, not harder with Squarespace. Scream is here and the shopping list is long. Time to make a lows run. Buy three bags, get three free. Stay green, one cubic foot garden soil. Plus, right now, members can earn four times the points on an eligible purchase. Start spring off strong with these deals and more. Our best lineup is here at Loves. Valentiy 325, while supplies last. Soil offer excludes a last-gen Hawaii loyalty program subject to terms and conditions. See Loves.com slash terms for details. Subject to change, point booster subject to exclusions and more terms apply. One time only offer. All right, number five, the person you're most attracted to might not be your type. They might be your pattern. Ooh, they might not be your type, they might be your pattern.

17:24Your type is what feels familiar. Your future might feel unfamiliar first, right? Pay attention to who feels steady, not just who feels electric. Electric can burn steady builds. Write that on your mirror. Electric burns steady builds. And this kind of goes back to nervous system, but I think it's more than that. When you think about electric, what do you think about? Because electric, although exciting, and going back to how I started this podcast about the amount of dopamine from old collisions and thinking that you want to be back with that person, but you actually miss who you were around that person and who you were around that person may have been healthy or may have not, but the chemicals that was produced by that dynamic might have been amazing. Dopamine isn't a bad chemical. It's us chasing nothing but dopamine, right?

18:25The behavior of that can be unhealthy, but of course we need dopamine in our lives. Electric can burn steady builds. Let me ask you, what does it look like to inject more steady into your relationship? What do you need to ask for? What do you need to do to create more steady? And when I think about steady, I don't just think of like calm, right? What do you need to do to create more steady in your relationship? So as I think about my relationship, because I am one who chased fire, I usually chase electric. And it's not just in my relationships, it's how I'm in life. I'm attracted to ages. My therapist says I live in the basement or addict, and I need to chill out in the living room. I need to sit on the couch, open some windows, read a book, you know? And I think it's tied to shadow and other stuff and maybe addiction. But anyway, what does steady feel like for me? It's something to sit with. Because steady doesn't mean boring, you know?

19:27Steady means consistent. Steady means to me, it means trusting, right? I think steady is trusting a lot more than electric is, right? So if you're trying to provide a trusting, safe space for your partner, steady goes much further than electric. You know, my wife says she feels sexy in the mundane or she finds sexy in the mundane. The first listen to that, I'm like, what are you talking about? But then when I sit with it, I get what she's talking about and it's this idea of steady, you know? And I'm trying to learn how to, and I think it's my work as her partner. I'm trying to rewire myself without abandoning myself and leaning into a little more steady instead of just chasing electric, you know, just chasing fire. I also don't think that it's only one or the other, right? I think, and you have to decide what that looks like, but I think we need both steady and electric, you know? I think if it's just one, then again, it could run flat

20:27or it could not have legs, but you have to kind of decide based on you, your pattern, your story, and also you're going to challenge yourself, you know? What is the right kind of like concoction? What is the right recipe for you where you are at a high frequency, you are expansive, you are also breaking old patterns, but you're also not abandoning yourself, you know? If you're like me and you tend to default to electric, it doesn't mean that I'm suddenly going to not have chase any electric in my life. I mean, I'm wired that way and I think there's potency and gifts and potential there, right? So it's deciding, okay, well, I'm going to allow myself to chase electric in the water or when I'm writing or sometimes, you know, with intimacy, you know, sprinkle, right? Going back to one donut instead of 12, but I'm also going to challenge myself and work on steady, you know, being present. Here's an example that's just very kind of real life. Sitting with my daughter and playing with her, right?

21:29Or like drawing with her, that would be steady. Electric would be wrestling her, throwing her over my shoulder and, you know, electric would be like, you know, taking her like, you know, bike writing or, you know, something very active, trying to get her in the ocean. Steady would be like, hey, can I read a book with her? Can we sit next to each other and just kind of do nothing? That would be steady. So electric and romantic relationships for me is like, you know, on the back of a motorcycle, you know, MDMA over a weekend, never leaving the hotel room, just sex and food and bath robes, right? Electric would be like, let's create art and lose ourselves in art and it's all great. And there should be some of that too, but then steady can mean in a relationship being consistent emotionally, steady can mean just like getting chores done and not powdering about it. Steady can mean self-soothing when you feel like you want to be physical.

22:32Steady can mean giving people space and trusting that when they come back that you're not going to be resentful. Steady can mean being vulnerable, steady can mean telling someone how you feel and also that they don't have to take care of that, how you feel, you know. Steady can mean allowing your partner to choose what's for dinner. Steady can mean doing dishes, steady can mean cooking. So I just feel like steady can mean so many things and you have to decide what that looks like. This is just me and me thinking about what it would look like for me. Steady doesn't mean boring. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Anyway, hope this episode was helpful. Thank you for listening as I'm talking to you and doing this episode for myself. I'm gonna try to focus on steady and if you're someone who's very steady, maybe you should focus on electric but I hope you focus on something today and see if you could turn that dial, put some action behavior behind your intention

23:32and see if you can shift. Thank you for listening. Be well. This episode is brought to you by Athletic Brewing Company. No matter how you do game day on the couch, in the crowd or manning the snack table, Athletic Brewing fits right in. With a full lineup of non-alcoholic beer styles, you can enjoy bold flavors all game long. No hangovers, no buzz, no subbing out for water in the second half. Stuck the fridge for tip off with a variety of non-alcoholic craft styles available at your local grocery store or online at athleticbrewing.com. Near beer, fit for all times.