The Handyman of West Texas: Ep. 1

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2:02Any size for just 99 cents to 11 a.m. Pricing participation may vary. Can I be combined with any other offer? But uh-but-but-but. Hey, Queen of the Con listeners. Jonathan Walton here. I've missed you. Come visit me at my new home. Just serve me. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. I'll be right back. Come visit me at my new home. Just search Jonathan Walton Media, wherever you get your podcasts. In the meantime, I have a brand new series you can listen to right here right now. It's called The Handyman of West Texas. And if you've been watching that show Landman, what you're about to hear will blow your mind. It's the most insane, true story. And episode one starts right now. We're both spent.

3:15We're sweaty. It's hot. We're laying there together side by side naked on her rug in the living room. Are you worried her husband might come home? Not until we rolled over, spent. Did that thought even crossed my mind. And then I was thinking, oh God, you don't build a bug come home anytime and murder us both. That's how they handle things in Midland, Texas. Everyone has guns. Yeah. And for any prolific sex worker in West Texas whose clientele is predominantly wealthy housewives, getting shot on the job is a real concern. Hundreds of women have paid you under the guise of coming over being a handyman and then they're really paying you for sex. Yes. Hundreds in Midland, Texas. Yes. The older I get, the more I realize nothing is what it appears to be.

4:16Not in the least. I'm Jonathan Walton. And this is the handyman of West Texas. Episode 1. She was a deacon in her church. Yeah, you're fine. They're very sensitive, but I'm closer to the better obviously. Okay. All right. Excited on everything sounds good. How would you introduce yourself? And I know we're trying to keep you anonymous and we're trying to, we're protecting our identity. But what name do you go by? I always go by Mickey. Mickey. Like Mickey Mouse. Yeah. Just like that. Mickey stands about six feet tall, confident, lean, fit.

5:18He looks like a man's man. Someone you want to call when there's a problem. Park Bouncer. Park Rugged Police Officer. All right, Mickey. So introduce yourself to people if you're just meeting someone for the first time. Introduce yourself and tell me what you do. Oh, my name's Mickey. And I'm kind of Jack of all trades. And whatever you need done, you know, in and out of your house, I'm pretty sure I can do it. And never has that sentence meant more than coming from your mouth. Whatever you need done, I kind of leave it open ended just for that reason. For lack of a better term, you're a handyman. You know how to fix things around the house. Like what kinds of jobs do you do? I can do flooring, I can do drywall, I can do electrical, I can do plumbing, I can do framing, I can do roofing, I can do exterior landscaping, fence building, rock wall, sheet rock. Just about anything. If you have a home that you don't like, I can rip it apart from the ground up and rebuild it to your needs.

6:26But Mickey isn't from Texas. He's actually born a thousand miles west of Midland in Los Angeles in the late 1970s. And he lives in the city of angels until his early 20s, before heading east. I was 23 and then I got married, moved to Texas. I was conservative, faithful, you know, father and husband and going to work, coming home, you know, nine or five kind of things. But after 20 years, Mickey and his wife go their separate ways and get divorced. And he rents his own place in Midland and throws himself into his work. Mickey is an oil guy, a fracker.

7:32So the job basically is hooking up tons of iron and equipment, high pressure water induced pumps. And why they call it fracking is because we're fracturing the earth. They drill down about three miles into the earth and we pump millions and millions of gallons of water under high pressure with sand and force the earth to fracture. And we fill it with sand and crack it as far as we can go. And then once we're done, we pump out the water, oil comes up behind it. We are now the number one producer of oil in the world. More than Saudi Arabia, more than Russia, more than anyone. And 75% of it is done right there in the Midland Texas area, which is surprising. And it recently got my attention with that hit show Landman. Billy Bob Thornton, John Hamm. It's set in the in Midland area in the oil industry.

8:35The oil and gas industry makes $3 billion a day into your profit. That's the scale. That's the size of this thing. And it's only getting bigger. Yeah, that's exactly the life I was living. Those are the kind of guys that I work around and that's exactly. It's pretty accurate assessment of what life out there in Midland Texas is. Landman, such an amazing show. And it's pretty close to that. Really? That's the life that we live. It's a part of Texas, West Texas, where black gold reigns supreme. We're piston oil dericks pumping up Texas T from the depths. Are everywhere you look and millionaire mercenaries lined up by the thousands are cashing in, left and right. It's a boom town when things are great and it's a ghost town when it's not. Because the price oil goes down then we can't afford to do what we do. Really?

9:35But when the price oil is anywhere over $60 a barrel, which I think right now it's maybe $85. They're making millions every single minute that we pump. So it's almost like it sounds like fracking is like squeezing all the oil out of the sand and rock. That's basically what it is. It's trapped. It's trapped in the sand and rock. Yeah, back in the old days you would drill a hole and you know hope for the best that where you were drilling there was oil underneath there. You poke the hole, once you hit oil, it starts coming out. It's not that way at all with fracturing. We know it's under there, but we have to force it out. It reminds me of that opening scene in the Beverly Hillbillies. You know where he's shooting for food and then he shoots into the ground and then oil just starts bubbling up. Oh, first thing, you know, old Judge's a millionaire. The kid, folks, said, Yeah, move away from there. Said California is a place you ought to be. Sold and loaded up the truck in the middle of the valley. Hills that it is, swimming pools, movie stars.

10:35The Beverly Hillbillies. God, that's burned into my head from childhood. Yeah. Did you watch that show? I did. The Beverly Hillbillies. So that's how oil was so easily accessible back in the day, which has come up out of the ground. Yeah, but not anymore. First of all, all the areas where that type of oil is, you know, accessible is already bought by all the chevrons and all the big companies of the world. And they've sucked it out. Well, they've not so much sucked it out as they've laid claim to the land. Right. So they decide, you know, we need a little bit more. Let's go poke a hole over here, poke a hole over there. Yeah. And in the middle of an area, the Permian Basin, that area is still very much wide open. There's still land to buy. But it went from maybe $500 an acre to $10,000 an acre just because they know what's underneath the ground that way. Yeah. They can squeeze the oil out of the sand.

11:36Squeeze as much as they can. Three miles is pretty deep. Yeah. And they're drilling three miles deep and it's horizontal drilling. So it's not down anymore. It's down. And then it starts curving. It makes like a 90 degree angle. Wow. Three miles under the earth. So technologies come a long way. Fracking in Midland, Texas is like what casinos are in Las Vegas, Nevada. Or what Disney World is in Orlando, Florida. It's the reason people go. And it's the land of opportunity. Come as you are. You don't need a college degree or even a high school diploma. You just need to be willing and able. The median income of this desert town is $80,000 or $90,000. Wow. Because you can get a kid off the street who's never worked a day in his life in the oil field. And you're starting at 65,000. Wow. Yeah. That's attractive. Yeah.

12:36And I know there's a lot of controversy with fracking. It pollutes the groundwater. Oh, we're raping Mother Earth every day. Wow. Yeah. That's there's no other way to look at it. Because that's what we're doing. You can have every car in America electric car. You're still going to need petroleum products. Everything is made oil. Everything plastic. Everything plastic. Yeah. Guess what? We live in a plastic world. We do live in a plastic world. So, I live in LA, probably the most plastic of the world. Yes, plastic is. But Midland Texas is the polar opposite of Los Angeles, California in every conceivable way. Tyler Reddick here from 2311 Racing. Victory Lane? Yeah. It's even better with Chumba by my side. Race to ChumbaCasino.com. Let's Chumba. No purchase necessary. VTW Group. Void we're prohibited by law. CTNCs. 21 Plus. Sponsored by ChumbaCasino. Let's talk personal style. Are you a classic jeans and T minimalist? A Louis Vuitton lover? Or do you like a little bit of both depending on the vibe? Whatever your fashion mood, you can find what feels like you on Poshmark.

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15:38Old school smoky tenderness pre-cooked and ready. Heat in two minutes pile high for tacos or sandwiches restaurant level at home. Exceptional taste honest value. Visit true nature meets.com code free meat for 20% off plus free New York strip. Texas smoke brisket and Mediterranean chicken with code free meat at true nature meets.com. There are no homeless people in the Midland Texas. That's interesting. So is it that Midland has solved homelessness or is it just too damn hot? No, it's the absence of protective flaws I guess. What are you applying? When homeless people get shot and eaten. They would get beaten and dragged away to another town. They don't want people hanging on the corners or occupying the sides of their freeways in Midland. They figured it out. They figured it out. That's not a friendly figure out. No. It's the suspension of law and order and just get it done.

16:40Rambo type minute. Can I get something to eat? Not in this town. Yeah. How would you describe Midland for people who don't know that part of Texas? I mean people know Dallas, people know Houston, people know Austin, people know Austin. Weird. That's where all the music festivals in South by Southwest. But Midland, Texas. What's that like? Midland, Texas is as far away from any of that as you can imagine. So, you can stand in one place, doesn't matter where you're at in town. Do a whole 360 and you're looking at desert. There is nothing out there. This is an oil town, oil industry. I would say 80% of the population has some kind of job in and around the oil field. There's nothing in Midland. You know, you had to visit for whatever reason you were punished. The biggest thing to see is like the house that George W grew up in. Growing up with mother and dad was an interesting experience.

17:42They made a little kind of museum out of it. You know, two bedroom, one bath house in the middle of town and that's about it. So, that's the draw of Midland? Yes. Well, it's not a draw but it's something to do while you're there. And the stadium where they did Friday night lights. We've got Texas high school football in its finest. No doubt, it's fantastic. It's going to be an all-out award. And what brought you to Midland? Hydraulic fracturing boom was in the Midland area on the Permian Basin. And there's apparently billions of billions of dollars worth of oil underneath Midland area. And I got job there. That's how I discovered that Midland existed. How would you describe the culture of Midland, Texas? It's right in the center of the Texas Bible Belt. You know, there's actually some counties around us that won't sell alcohol. Really? Yeah. Like you can't get alcohol anywhere? Anywhere. They're no bars. They're called dry counties.

18:42And you drive through them and they won't sell them in like real liquor stores. No supermarket alcohol? No, nothing. You cannot. And it's illegal. If you're seeing alcohol into a dry county, you can get arrested. Oh my God. And then they have some crazy laws. When I first moved there, I didn't understand it. On Sundays, they don't sell alcohol. You can buy beer, but not alcohol for some reason. And you can't buy it before noon. Because you have to wait until the church is over. It's an actual law all throughout Texas. You can't drink until noon on a Sunday after church. And only beer for some reason. What about the whole he turned water into wine thing? Only not in Texas. So, everyone goes to church in Midland, Texas. As far as I know, yeah. Are there a lot of churches? There's churches everywhere. The Presbyterian Methodist Catholic.

19:42What are you? None of the above. Technically, I guess I'm Catholic, but yeah, I haven't gone to church. You grew up Catholic. Catholic school for 12 years. And that turned you off of Catholic school? Oh, yeah. Wow. Organized religion in general. Mickey is raised in a devout Catholic household. His teachers at school are nuns and priests. He grows up very sheltered. And he actually has no idea that he's well hung. Like really, really well hung. I have eight and a half thick inches, and I always please. Eight and a half inches. Eight and a half and thick. Don't forget to thick, because that makes a big difference. Wow. I mean, that's impressive. How do you go your whole life and not know? You have a huge thing down there. You know, it's my only point of reference, you know,

20:42up to that point was Parnos. I have something for you right here. You know, and as far as I knew, you know, I looked like all the guys in the Parnos. So I thought. So you thought that's normal? Yeah. I mean, like I said, no other point of reference. So growing up, you weren't in like changing rooms with other boys or other men and no one would say, hey, you're Catholic school. They didn't do the shower room kind of deal. Everyone's ashamed. Everyone's covered up. Everyone's hiding. You have your own little stalls and kind of deal. And there's no group showers or, yeah, I had no, nothing to compare it to, except, you know, for what I saw, which, yeah, all those guys are the same size as me. But those guys are huge. I didn't know that. I thought, hey, all right. I'm like those guys. I'm good. Wow. You know.

21:45You were married for 20 years to the same woman. So does she ever tell you, oh, my God, you're hurting me. This is huge. Or, yeah, at first. And, you know, I thought, you know, that's normal. I had, you know, kind of the repressed Catholic upbringing where you don't talk about sex. You don't talk about, you know, those kind of things. I was like, okay. Well, I guess sex at first is supposed to hurt the woman. And they get used to it. Yeah. It was terrible. So you were... This conception that I just, you know, worked through until after I got divorced. And I started getting more and more kind of an inkling into, hey, maybe I'm not just like everybody else. Because I would hear comments, man, you're the biggest I've ever had. You're so huge. You're this and that. I think if you were a kid growing up in a regular environment outside of a Catholic school, where all the boys are changing in front of each other. I think you would have been a spectacle.

22:46Because in these types of situations, the big guys are. Oh my God, look at you know, everyone's got a nickname, like, you know, artvard. Elephant, elephant trunk. You know, like, kids give each other nicknames based on, you know, anatomy. Like, my buddy Evan went to school with a guy who had a huge dick, everyone saw in the locker room, and they called him the serpent. Because it was so big. And I think that would have happened to you, but you went to Catholic school. Everyone changed in secret. There were no public showers where you saw other boys. So you had this giant tool down there, and you didn't know it was giant. And your only comparison is pornoes. And all the guys look like you and the porno. So you think, oh, I'm normal. Exactly. So the wedding night with your wife, did you just like tear it up? Did she just, did she call a doctor the next day? Yeah, the first time was, I guess, you know, hard for her. It was great for me. And I didn't realize, you know, we had to take a break for like a week.

23:46It's so great. And again, I was like, you know, this, this is normal. As far as, you know, as far as I knew, I had been with several women before I got married. But again, I was really young, and I attributed to, you know, everyone giving, oh, you're the most beautiful. Yeah. Right. They're just being nice. Exactly. It's like you would say to the girl, oh, you're so beautiful. Exactly. You're just wanting something nice to say. Exactly. She's not ugly, but you're just harping on something to have something nice to say. And I thought they were just reiterating the same thing back to me. Being polite. Exactly. So you have this, for lack of a better term, this asset for entire life. And you don't realize it. It's so bold for you when you realized that 8.5 inches is way above the standard equipment issue to most men. I was in my mid 40s. You're in your mid 40s before I realized, yeah. Oh, my God. After I got divorced.

24:46And what are you now, 49? I'm 49 now. So just a few years ago. Yeah. I'm about to be 50 next month. And yeah, mid 40s before I realized that I was a lot bigger than the average guy. I learned over time that the average, you know, penis size anywhere from 45 inches. And I was 8.5 and quite thick. And what's fascinating to me is the moment you realize you're a lot bigger than the average guy is the same exact moment you realize. When people call a handyman, some have other ideas in mind. Yeah. Again, I guess I was living a sheltered life or just didn't realize that this lifestyle existed. I was sheltered from the reality that was out there. And the first time that I was called to, you know, I thought a little legitimate handyman job and it turned sexual.

25:48Did I realize, hey, this exists? Different realm of what my existence had been until that point was out there, especially in a town like Midland. That's what blows my mind, man. Midland. Midland takes its middle of the Bible, though, yeah. Step into the world of power, loyalty and luck. I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse. With family, conoles, and spins mean everything. Now, he want to get mixed up in the family business. Introducing the Godfather at chumpacacino.com. Test your luck in the shadowy world of the Godfather slot someday. I will call upon you to do a service for me. Play the Godfather now at chumpacacino.com. Welcome to the family. No for just necessary VGW group void for prohibited by law, 21 plus terms and conditions apply. Let's talk personal style. Are you a classic jeans and T minimalist? A Louis Vuitton lover. Or do you like a little bit of both depending on the vibe? Whatever your fashion mood, you can find what feels like you on poshmark. With millions of new and pre-loved pieces, poshmark is your one-stop style destination.

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29:55No one lives in Midland. Like I said, there's nothing there. So every single oil fill worker basically commutes for wherever their home bases, Houston, Dallas, Albuquerque, Mindless Albuquerque. So I lived in Albuquerque. I would drive to Midland, stay there for the two weeks that I would be working, and then come back for a week in Albuquerque, so on and so forth. But after I got divorced, I actually moved to Midland. Why do the commute? You're not going home to a wife anymore. Exactly. And so for the last four years, I've been in Midland living. How long were you in Midland when you put up that first handyman ad? Just a couple of months. I just got myself settled, got a place, and I was working and two days into it, I got bored. I was like, what am I going to do? I have a whole week to do nothing.

30:55So Mickey has a two week on, one week off, work schedule. And it'd be different having a week off in Houston, or Dallas, or Austin, or San Antonio, or any other metropolitan area. But a week off with nothing to do in Midland, Texas can drive a person mad. So Mickey, who's always been a man who can build and or fix anything and everything under the sun, decides to look for work as a handyman during his week off, to make some extra money and to fight the boredom and monotony of Midland. I was like, well, you know, I'm going to put an ad out and break this. I can help you, you know, with stuff around your house. And didn't take me long before I got my first contact. When you put your first handyman ad out on Craigslist in Midland, Texas, it was just a regular, you need a handyman. I can come fix things like there was no innuendo. It was a straight handyman.

31:56Unbeknownst to me, there was innuendo there. So you didn't mean to have a innuendo. I didn't mean to do it. As much as you can recall, what did that first ad say? The first ad was kind of along the lines of, you know, I'm a jack of all trades handyman. I'm available 24 hours a day for the next week to do all the things at your home that have been neglected. Do you have a honey do list that hasn't been touched? I'm your man. Yeah, even using the word touched like that. Exactly. And like I said, looking back at it, there's, there's, yeah, I didn't realize how suggestive I was being. And I thought it was covering my base to, you know, get them fixed things. Exactly. And here's the thing. There are more than 15,000 millionaires working in the Permian basin alone.

33:00Most of them are men, clocking in 100 hour work weeks, leaving their rich wives home alone to raise the kids and decorate the mansions and organize church fundraisers. There's plenty of lonely women whose husbands are away for long periods of time in the oil field that just feel neglected. And that feeling of neglect has a way of manifesting into something else entirely because a lot of these wealthy housewives in Midland, Texas are in their forties and fifties. Their kids are in college. Their husbands are at work. And they have a lot of free time and money on their hands and not a whole lot to do with it. And that gives handyman Mickey a new and exciting opportunity. He does not see coming. You had all my tools and I was ready to fix things, not knowing that I'd be, you know, helping them out in other ways.

34:02So you put this ad out in Craigslist. It's your first time getting a job as a handyman. How many people call you to come over and fix something until they make a pass at you? Was it the first one? It was the very first one. Oh my god. It was the day after I put the ad up. And, you know, again, not thinking I was being suggestive. I put a picture in the ad. A picture of yourself. A picture of myself just so it would do. In my mind, I was thinking, hey, I don't want you to have the worry that some anonymous person is coming over. This is what I look like. That was my reasoning behind it. Right. It makes sense because now it's not a stranger. Like, oh, I know what this guy looks like. And you're a rugged, good-looking guy. And that's a thing. It's oil-filled. We're all kind of rough and trouble kind of guys. I'm not polished. I don't go to work in a suit and tie kind of deal. So I wanted to put that out there, not knowing that that coupled with the wording in the ad was going to, you know, had the effect that it had.

35:07So you put the ad up a day later, a woman responds. She had wooden shutters in her back that needed to be repaired. And I said, yeah, I can definitely help you with that. And what were you going to charge her? So I was planning to do $100 an hour kind of charge based on, you know, what needed to be done, supplies, how long was, you know. But I always let them know ahead of time. Or that my plan in the head was to let them know. Let me take a look at it. And then I can give you an accurate price. So you drive up to this house. Describe what this house looks like because you're driving up. This house is massive. So it's crazy because, again, there's nothing in Midland, okay. This is desert surrounded by desert. And so in the middle of this, nothingness, this lady has, you know, one of these gaudy huge mansions in the middle of the desert.

36:08You know, they have no grass, of course, because nothing will grow out there. But there's a two-story wrap around with pillars in the front. Hillers. Oh, yeah. Like I said, it was gaudy to the point that, look, we have so much money. We don't know what to do with this. We're going to put pillars. Yeah, we're going to, you know, we have fountains in the middle. Fountains. Yeah, wow. So she was rich. Oh, she was, she was very rich. And I'm thinking, you know, there's no way that there's shutters in the back of its home because this is $1.00 home, but probably was just built last week, kind of deal. And why would she be calling some handyman and Craigsler? Exactly, you know. Now what's this woman married? She was married. And was her husband there? No. She mentioned when we had set up the initial meeting that her husband was on a drilling rig right now. Oh, so he works in the oil industry too. Oh, yeah. Everyone does. There's a lot of money. He was one of the upper guys. He was, he was Billy Bob. We're referring to that Billy Bob Thornton character in the show Landman, who oversees

37:10all the oil workers and oil executives and defuses problems that pop up with rig explosions and land leases and angry Mexican drug cartels. We don't want your oil there. Well, wishing one hand to shit near other, see which one fills up first. God, the writing on that show is just next level. Anyway, this wealthy woman who hires Mickey to come over to her Midland Texas mansion to quote, fix some shutters is married to a Billy Bob type, who leaves home for work early each morning and comes home from work late each night, seven days a week. So when Mickey arrives at this wealthy housewives' home at around noon, she's alone. When she comes to find out, she doesn't really want her shutters fixed. I turned around to look at her and she immediately leans in and starts kissing me.

38:12She started kissing you like like tongue in mouth, tongue in mouth, and keep in mind this woman has no idea the gargantuan colossus Mickey is packing down below. But she's about to find out. And this isn't just any random Midland Texas housewife either. She's pretty prominent and well known. She was a deacon in our church. Oh, happy day, oh, happy day, oh, happy day, oh, happy day. That's all I've got to say. Things get graphic. She's grabbing my cock when I'm on the floor and leap kind of leveraging herself on top, aiming herself so she could start straggling me and she's like, you gotta give me a minute because I've never taken anyone as big as you before.

39:14But this housewife is extremely determined and before long. She's writing me like a wild woman. And did she have an orgasm? She had several. To listen to the next episode of The Handy Man of West Texas right now, you're not going to hear it here on the Queen of the Con feed. You gotta check out my new feed. It's totally free. Just click that little magnifying glass icon in the search box of your podcast app and search Jonathan Walton Media. Search Jonathan Walton Media. There, you can listen to all episodes of The Handy Man of West Texas and hear my other series, Cocaine Air, back in the 1980s. In sunny South Florida, TJ Dominguez is leading a double life. By day, I owned and operated the largest Lamborghini dealership in the world. But by night, I flew tons of cocaine from Colombia for Pablo Escobar. And the quarterback and the con artist. A retired NFL quarterback, Eric Kramer, checks himself into a motel room, puts a gun to his head

40:18and pulls the trigger. He thinks all his problems will be over. But when Eric survives, he's got the brain capacity of a six-year-old. And a tall, blonde, con woman swoops in, secretly marries him and starts leading him dry. This secret marriage was a way to keep her taking his money. And the law is on her side. They're married. What's his, is hers, what's hers, is his. Listen to the quarterback and the con artist, wherever you get your podcasts. Remember, you gotta click that little magnifying glass icon in the search box of your podcast app and search for Jonathan Walton Media. That's my new home with all these amazing new shows. Jonathan Walton Media. There's a secret underworld in the Permian Basin that's not being portrayed in Landman. According to this oil field worker named Mickey, who moonlights as a handyman in West Texas to make ends meet. Do drywall, I could do electrical, I could do flooring. But Mickey is laying a different kind of hardwood. And all those West Texas housewives whose husbands are out working all day can't get enough.

41:23Hundreds of women have paid you under the guise of coming over being a handyman and then they're really paying you for sex. Yes. Hundreds in Midland, Texas. Yes. Hey, my buddy just gotta hold me, said he can't find episode two. Well, I think because if you're listening to this now, you're on the queen of the con feed. So I put episode one of the handyman of West Texas on the queen of the con feed. If you're listening to my voice and you wanna hear more episodes of the handyman of West Texas, you gotta go to that little search feature on whatever podcast app you're listening on. It's a little magnifying glass. Go to the search and search for Jonathan Walton Media. There you'll find more episodes of the handyman of West Texas. So tell him search Jonathan Walton Media on his podcast app. Get off of the queen of the con feed. You're not gonna find more episodes there. Only episode one. All right, I'll let him know. Hello, it is Ryan. And I was on a flight the other day playing one of my favorite social spin-slot games on chumbacacino.com. I looked over the person sitting next to me.

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