The Good and Not So Good About Australia

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1:00I've been in Australia for three days, which makes me an expert on the continent and its culture. Here's the good, not so good about it. The good, the accent. It's not like Scotland where people have allegedly speak English, but the accent is so thick, it sounds like another language. I can understand Australians. And their accent is fun. Every vowel is an adventure. It will start with one sound and then slide to a completely different sound in the same syllable. A knife isn't just a knife, it's a knife. And no isn't just no, it's Naya. These sliding vowel sounds are called diphthongs and Australians can't get enough of them. Neither can I apparently. Two, the coffee. It's as good or better than the coffee on the West Coast. And it's not served with half and half. They serve it black, sort of like an Americano or they make something called a flat white, which is kind of like a latte. Both are delicious. Three meat pies, they're everywhere. You can get a mass-produced microwave four and 20 meat pie at a stadium, slather it and catch up and eat it in 30 seconds and you won't die. Or you can get a really tasty one from a bakery

2:02and enjoy it. I had the four and 20 version. It wasn't great, but it did a job. Four, pot and a parma. The pot is a small nine ounce glass of beer, small so it doesn't get cold. And a parma is the go-to pub food in Australia. It's essentially chicken parmesan with some ham on it so it's like chicken parme, cordon blu. It's way better than it should be. Five, Australian rules football. As my Australian friends, Stephen Moss put it, there are 36 punters varying five, eight to six, 10, running a half marathon while constantly punting and punching the ball. It's a hand pass with tackling from any direction. Punting through the sticks more than the other guys to win. All of these players are deadly accurate at punting an oblong ball with either leg. They're ambie punters. I said that. And they tackle each other. It's an old game that meshes unusual skills with toughness and violence. I'm hooked. Six, Melbourne cricket grounds. It's where the 49ers and Rams will play. It seats about 100,000 people. And the field is a giant oval.

3:03That's roughly 200 yards long. We don't have fields like this in America. It looks like a battlefield from medieval times. And they sell meat pies here. Seven, Patrick Dangerfield. One of the best players on the Jalong cats, which essentially is a suburb of Melbourne and is home to my favorite team in the AFL since I learned about the sport two days ago. This guy is 36 years old and he still kicks ass. He took over a game two nights ago against the Carlton Blues by scoring five goals. This was the best performance I've ever seen in my two days of watching the sport. The not so good. One, the driving. Sometimes I could see myself moving to Australia and loving it. In lots of ways, it's like California, similar climates and sensibilities, but people drive on the left side of the road here and I could never get used to that. I would crash my car. I would never even try to learn. Too old. I couldn't trust my instincts on the road. Even when I walk on the sidewalk, I create problems because everyone here walks on the left side of the street. I walk on the right side while looking at my phone. I keep bumping into extremely polite Australians.

4:03Two, mag pies. They're these gorgeous black and white birds and they will swoop down and ruin your day if you're not careful. That's what I've been told. They were nice to me, but I gave them distance. Three, the metric system. I never know the temperature outside or how much weight I'm lifting at the gym or how fast I'm running on the treadmill. Yeah, I work out. Four, the burritos. As I said before, Australia and California have a ton in common. Mexican food is not one of those things. I went to a Takahre yesterday that said it had mission style burritos, so I was intrigued, but the burrito was 50% sour cream and the lady at the register wouldn't give me any salsa to go, which hurt my feelings. Is it because I'm American? Five, hungry jacks. This is what they call Burger King in Australia. Jack in the box should be furious. I wonder if they even know. Six, Marcus Bontan-Pelly. He's supposed to be the best Australian rules football player in the world, but last night when his team needed him the most in an elimination game against the Adelaide Cros, he laid a big fat egg, scored no goals. Sure, he recorded 27 disposals.

5:04Not that I know what those are, but he's not paid a dispose of the ball. He's paid to kick it through the freaking big uprights. The Western Bulldog should trade him before the rest of the league realizes how overrated he truly is. He wishes he were Patrick Dangerfield.