The Burning Hope Equation

0:00Welcome to Ferra Fireside, where feminine leadership gets rewritten. I'm your host, Dr. Cory Blake, nervous system educator, experienced business strategist and founder of the Ferra Collective, helping women lead from pleasure instead of pressure. Every week we gather here by the fire for a quick, po and hit of truth, strategy and primal wisdom. If you're ready to lead without burning out, to trust your body as deeply as your brain and build a life and business that feel like freedom, you're in the right place. Here at the Ferra Collective, we blend grounded science with primal wisdom, feminine energetics with strategic leadership and rebellious self-care practices that actually move the needle in your business, your body and your life. This is the feminine leadership revolution. Let's dive in. Hey, love. Welcome.

1:01So this week I thought we would talk a little bit about hope and hope in a different way. So sometimes what can happen is our hope or desire for something can actually kind of get in the way of our own getting it. And I know that sounds strange, but I'll use an example. So recently I was working with a client and we're going through something in their business. And they had a way that they were approaching intake for their clients. So their clients were coming into their office less prepared than they needed to be to make the process really smooth and efficient for the people that were working in the office. And we're talking about that and looking through the materials of what's being conveyed to the clients before they actually get into the building. And I notice that there's no actual ask of them. And so we're working together and one of the questions that I asked is what do you want to have happen in this situation? What would be your ideal?

2:09And the client's response was will I want them to fill out this form? I want to have all of this information before they walk into the building. Because that will make everything flow really, really nicely. And so from there it was very interesting because I was able to ask her, okay, so what's keeping you from asking for that? Okay, what's keeping you from asking for the thing that you actually want in this situation? And her response was, well, what if it doesn't happen? Right? So what if it doesn't happen? What if I ask for it and they don't give it to me? Either that means that they aren't going to do it, that I failed in some way, that I'm going to be really frustrated and annoyed with them. And I just don't want to hope for that. Because if I hope for that, if it doesn't happen, then I'm going to be let down. Right? And so in that instance, what was happening is that hope felt really vulnerable to her.

3:13And so when hope feels vulnerable, it actually keeps us from asking for what it is that we want. Which is actually a form of self-protection, right? But the consequences of that are things like we end up feeling at the mercy of our circumstances. When we don't ask for what we want, we end up feeling like our circumstances are in control. And that's not a place that we want to be, right? We can end up feeling trapped, we can end up feeling stuck or defeated. Like we're putting in so much effort, but we're not actually getting what we want. And of course we're not getting what we want if we're not asking for it, if we're not putting ourselves out there. But that can feel really scary and it can feel like you're actually walking out on the edge of a cliff and hoping someone's going to catch you. And that's not the experience that we want to have in leadership, right? We want to be able to say, I can make what I need to have happen happen in some way.

4:19So we often get stuck between that controlling what other people do and having agency over ourselves. So the other consequence that we can see when we are in that place of I am hoping for something, but I'm just not going to avoid it. I'm just not going to actually ask for it is that we end up saying yes to things that we don't want to do. We end up going along with things that we don't want to do. And because of that, we end up getting annoyed and we end up getting resentful. So how that comes out is we end up snapping at or being short with our clients or our team or our partners because we're not getting what we need out of a situation. And so this is a really important dynamic to understand because it really affects not only how we show up in business and in leadership, but it affects our personal relationships. If we hope for or want or desire something that we aren't able or willing to put out into the world,

5:20because we are we're scared of the downstream effects of that, right, and we're trying to self protect. We're actually self sabotaging in the end, right, because we're sabotaging those relationships that mean a lot to us. We're sabotaging the circumstances of us feeling in that place of success. So I think what we really want to try to look at is asking ourselves, what is it that makes asking harder? So what is it that makes the ask putting that vulnerability out into the world harder? And vulnerability is a big piece of it, right? So when we voice what we want, there's potential sequela, right? So like, are we being seen as unreasonable? Are we being seen as selfish? Are we being seen as demanding? Is it going to make it more difficult for people to do to actually use our services?

6:20Is it going to make it a barrier to people engaging with us? Those are things that we worry about when we ask for what we want, okay? And then that gets to the next level of like them, we don't. Then we don't even dare to hope to have things go the way that we need them to go. There's also a vulnerability in whether we get that thing that we ask for, right? So, and if we don't, then there's all the questions that come into our head. Am I respected enough? Am I liked enough? Do they even care? Am I a good enough communicator? Did I not do it right? Right? So there's this concept of subconsciously, if I don't get it, will it feel worse if I ask and it doesn't actually happen? What did I put myself out there for? And the thing is, it's all in what we make it mean, right?

7:22So we have control over whether we ask the question, we have control over whether we put ourselves out there. We don't have control over whether other people rise to the occasion, right? And what we make, their choices and actions, mean about us personally or as a leader, really relates to whether we allow ourselves to hope or to have that want or desire in the first place. So if it means that I failed or if that people don't like me, then of course I'm not going to do it. If it means that you're playing and you're experimenting and you're putting something out there to see how it lands, and then you're going to kind of like feel it out and see what worked and what didn't. And then you're going to tweak it and you're going to try again. That's a totally different feeling. It's a totally different feeling. If I say, I'm going to throw this out there and I'm going to let the world tell me whether it was okay or not.

8:23Totally giving power away in that, right? Versus when you come out from a different perspective, I'm going to throw this out there because this is something I really, really want to do. And it would be so helpful and I know that the people of my life want to support that. Let's see how this lands. Let's try it this way. Okay, that's it in work. Well, how can we try it this way instead or what can we change so that it makes it easier for them to do the thing that I need them to do? So really first, it's our own approval and ownership of what it is that we want. What it is that we hope for, what it is that we desire. Is it reasonable? Doesn't actually matter. What matters is whether we approve of what it is that we want. And then what matters is how you go about that. How you can honor yourself and the other person at the same time. If you get those two things right, then hope becomes this beautiful thing. All of your desires become this beautiful thing that will take you forward.

9:25Instead of keeping you stuck in this place of desperation or want that's unfulfilled. So I'm curious how this shows up in your life. Drop a comment, let me know and I'll see you next week. Thank you for joining me at the fire today. If this conversation sparked something in you, make sure you're subscribed so you've never missed an episode. And if you want to take this work deeper, join us inside the Ferric Collective, where we turn these insights into embody leadership, real strategy, and lives that feel like freedom. So you can lead from ground to power, not from burnout. Until next week, take exquisite care of your energy and keep leaving like the badass you are.