The 1979 Amazon That Started Delivering People

In the late 1970s, ordering something through the mail meant waiting weeks. Catalogs were slow, deliveries slower, and patience was just part of the deal.

Then Jeff Bezos showed up early.

In this twisted version of 1979, Jeff launches The Jungle—a mail-order catalog that promises something no one has ever seen: delivery in hours, not weeks. He runs it out of a suffocating garage filled with books and sweat. His "secret weapon" is a box he calls Alexa—not a computer, but a wooden box with a microphone that never turns off. He says it's for market research. In reality, it's listening to people's nightmares.

Customers start getting packages they never ordered. A woman complains about a headache, and minutes later, a hawk with a basket strapped to it drops aspirin on her porch. A husband whispers about a divorce, and The Jungle delivers a shovel and a bag of lime the next morning.

Inside The Jungle's warehouse, things are worse. Workers sprint down aisles, urinating in bottles to save time, terrified of fulfillment bots chasing them if they slow down. On Prime Day, everything glitches. Delivery trucks crash into living rooms, dumping mountains of boxes across carpet and broken furniture.

A local activist named Bernie Sanders tries to unionize the workers. The Jungle's response? He's packaged and shipped to Delaware.

Finally, the police raid the facility. They find Jeff laughing in a loading bay, surrounded by chaos. Before they can arrest him, he climbs into a delivery rocket shaped suspiciously like a giant phallus and blasts off into the sky.

His final message plays through every Alexa box in the world: "Your package has been delivered." When people open their front doors, they start to realize the worst part.

They were the ones being collected.