TDS Time Machine | The War on Climate Change

0:00You're listening to Comedy Central. Pfff! Now, you may be thinking, do we really need a march to raise awareness about global climate change? I mean, it's an accepted scientific phenomenon pretty much everywhere. Here's why you need the march. It's accepted pretty much everywhere, but there's one place called... The United States House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space, and Technology. This is true. Last week they held a hearing that they apparently recorded in 1971. I guess that's the technology part of the committee name. President Obama's plan to shrink carbon emissions 30% by 2030. The hearings, Cicifus, presidential science adviser John Holdren, charged with the impossible task of pushing a million pounds of idiot up a mountain.

1:05Of course, like any avalanche, it began rather innocuously. Texas Republican Steve Stockman. The lead scientist at NASA said this. He said that what ended the ice age was global wobbling. Is the wobbling of the Earth included in any of your modeling? And the answer was no. When you have a model and you said we're going to leave out the most important impact of that model out of our theory and not talk about global wobbling, how can you make projections? What's up scientists? Global wobbling bitches? He sees your so-called global warming and raises you a global wobbling. Explain that, Dr. White House. Global wobbling, which refers to changes in the Earth's tilt and orbit, takes place on characteristic times hails for 22,000 years, 44,000 years, and 100,000 years. It is very slow. Global wobbling is a tiny effect on the timescale of 100 years in which we try to run these models.

2:15I didn't know we'd be talking to an actual scientist. All right, Holdren, you asked the wobble warming. Riddle me this. At what point a level of CO2 does CO2 become damaging at what level does it become harmful to human beings? Boom! How can CO2 levels be dangerous when I can still breathe? My chairman, Laura Bucker, I always enjoy my interactions with you. Much in the way one enjoys playing peekaboo with a baby. Or perhaps teasing a cat with a laser pointer. I have to say with respect that's a red herring, we are not interested in carbon dioxide concentrations because of their direct effect on human health. We're interested in them because they're effect of their effect on the world's climate, and climate change has a effect on the red herring health.

3:16Well then let me guess, you get why can we still breathe? That's what I'm asking. I mean you can hear me, right? We're breathing. And it got more amazing as it went. Indiana's Larry Boussall. It's not about affecting the global temperature and climate change. There's public comments out there that that question has been asked and answered saying no. You should look at the scientific literature rather than the public comments. With all due respect Representative Boussall, I suggest you get the Journal of Applied Meteorology and Climateology as opposed to the YouTube comment feed of Obama lies 1776. But here's where Boussall gives away the game. Have all the climateologists whose career depends on the climate changing to keep themselves publishing articles?

4:17Yes, I could read that, but I don't believe it. I do not believe the scientists because it is their profession, not their hobby. Well since we're talking about the influence of money you might have on climate change opinion, it turns out Representative Boussall's three biggest campaign donors are Murray Energy, Koch Enterprises and Peabody Energy. And trust me, trust me. Those three well-funded companies would love to disprove climate change to the satisfaction of the scientific community at large. So if scientists could be bought, these mother f****s would have already made it rain in nerd town. Trust me. And again, I cannot stress this enough. This is the House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space and Technology. How long will take for the sea level to rise to feet? I mean, think about it. If your ice cube melts in your glass, it doesn't overflow. It's displacement.

5:19I mean, this is the thing, some of the things that they're talking about, math, math, and clean scientifically, don't make sense. Are you f****s kidding me? Are you f****s kidding me? I don't even know what to do with that. How far back to the elementary school court curriculum do we have to go to get someone on the House Committee on Science, Space and Technology caught up? Do we have to break out the paper machine, the baking soda so you can make a f****** ball game? Is that what we have to do? Is that how basic the science class was when you went mad? I don't need to know this anymore. I mean, forgot sex. Look, here, here, here, look. Here's a glass of ice water. Hey, that ice isn't making the water overflow because it's already in the water. But imagine there's a whole bunch of other ice that's not in the water. It's on the land. You know the part where the water isn't.

6:20And then when temperatures rise and the land ice melts enough to fall it, oh, f****** everywhere! It's everywhere! You understand? Yeah! Wait a minute. Global warming giant towels. Ultimately, the whole incredible end by all appearances will full misunderstanding of how the scientific method has been applied to climate change models and the effects of warming can be pardon the pun, boiled down to this exchange. That scare tactics like that is really appalling to me to use medical information to scare parents that their children about asthma attacks and scare people saying they're going to have heart attacks.

7:21I would argue that we should all on both sides of this discussion avoid scare tactics. First of all, there aren't both sides to a discussion. But what he's basically saying is it is unfair to talk to us about the scientific or medical consequences of our actions because they're scary. And we really don't feel like doing anything about it anyway. So from now on, why not agree that science and the oil industry both have opinions? Oh, and before you tell your kids to wash their hands after they take f****** so they don't spread disease, maybe we should also spend the equal amount of time hearing from big fecal. Managing cholesterol health has become an unavoidable topic for millions of Americans, yet standard solutions often come with friction. A significant number of individuals hesitate when presented with traditional healthcare options simply because they're reluctant to take lifelong daily capsules. People want to maintain control over their wellness without feeling restricted by uncomfortable routines.

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9:28That's DOSE, D-A-I-L-Y dot CO slash TDS for 35% off your first month subscription. Trump's America isn't just attacking immigrants, the transgender and apprentice ratings. It's also planning to take out climate change debt. Luckily, an underground movement is trying to stop it. My first contact in this group is waiting at an undisclosed location. Score. As I descended into her secret bunker, I could practically smell the Pulitzer, or maybe that was urine. This place was creepy. It was, okay, this was taking too long. What's the situation on the ground? All references to climate change are gone from the White House website. Trump has a war against facts. So maybe we should hide him in a place he wouldn't look like in an intelligence briefing. We can't hide the facts. We need that information to build accurate climate models.

10:31This public climate data is stored on federal websites like the EPA, NASA, and the Department of Energy. And climate scientists depend on it for all kinds of research. But now that Trump is in charge, these scientists are worried he's going to hide or destroy that data just because he's threatened to do exactly that. So you're telling me all this data could be completely forgotten, like Taylor Lawdner. I'm sorry, what? I'm just saying just because you're part of a tent pole movie doesn't mean that you're going to have any kind of relevance five years later. What we need to do is to capture this data and make copies in lots of locations, including in Canada. Canada? Yes. We have a network of hackers working to keep this data safe. Today we're having a hackathon in Philly. I want in. These hackers were going to be even more secretive than Bethany. Given the importance of this mission, I destroyed all traces of their existence.

11:33Was that 3420 or 30, you know what? Just put in my phone. To gain access to the hackers, I'd have to become one of them. And the only way to be a hacker is to dress like a hacker. But like the rest of America, I hadn't rollerbladed in like 16 years. Either way, it was time to meet these code freaks at their secret underground layer. I'm looking for the hackers. We're the hackers. Seriously? Yep. I thought you'd be dressed a little bit cooler, you know? Like this? Tell me about this hacking. So what we're doing is we are seeding URLs to the Internet Archive. These are basically road maps through these massive government websites. And we're using those to go and find where the data is and then send that to the Internet Archive. That was super boring. Do you mind explaining that with a hacking montage? So basically what happens is these nerds scroll through every single publicly available URL and document on government sites and make a carbon copy.

12:35But sometimes this data is hidden in ways that can't be scraped by human nerds. So they write code to burrow into the sites and rescue the data that's really hidden. Then they release the data on sites like data refuge and the Internet Archive, which is backing up everything in Canada for safekeeping if it gets really bad. That's where I come in taking this data to Canada to save the world. Let's do this. So with the data safely secured away, I began the long journey north. It wasn't easy. But after what felt like a lifetime, I made it to the airport for my almost hour long flight to Canada. Time to hit up my connect. Code name, Poutine. A professor from the University of Toronto who's been collecting all this data, which was feeling pretty ripe at this point. Poutine. Poutine. Are you guys here for a flight that's that meeting? No. Poutine. Are you a shell? Yeah. Here's the data all the way from America. Okay. What is this? It's all that hack climbing. We received this through the cloud. The cloud. So I didn't have to smuggle this thing up my ass.

13:41I'm, nope. I'm sorry to tell you. Are you kidding me? Well, getting this data is a good start. But it's not enough. What we're seeing is the dismantlement of environmental science from a country that is one of the greatest contributors to climate change. It's us. You talked about us. Yes. She was right while Canada was snowing. America was burning. Do you mind actually keeping a couple other things from America safe? Okay. Can you hold on to the Bill of Rights? This is birth control, Meryl Streep's Oscars. And then I'll be back like four to, let's just say, eight years to be safe. And just like that, it took an American to save the day. Climate change is one of the biggest issues facing the planet right now. And even though we all know that the earth is in trouble, most of us aren't doing anything to help. Roy would, Jr. went to find out why climate change climate change climate change. Everybody's talking about it. Just turn on the TV and you'll hear stuff like this.

14:50Climate related disasters from wildfires to more intense storm extreme rain events and floods are already getting worse. And this. A mass invasion of polar bears experts say melting ice has forced polar bears to migrate and hunt for food now on land. Polar bear invasion. I thought they would chill cartoons trick and Coca-Cola. Climate change is getting apocalyptic. But do you see me taking the bus or going vegan? After this burger, after this burger, I'm dumb to be after this. I know the world's in it. So why is it so hard to do anything about it? What the hell is wrong with me? I blame evolution. Meet author Dan Gardner. People ease my willingness to sacrifice Antarctica, California and most of the Eastern Seaboard for a delicious burger isn't my fault. Throughout most of the history of our species, we lived as stone age hunter gathers. We had to deal with certain types of threats. Immediate, scary threats. Alliant emerging from the long grass. You just immediately intuitively sense that that's a threat.

15:50Climate change is too abstract and distant of a threat to feel fear. So it's a learning disability that we all have from when we were cavemen. Yeah, that's it. Try to explain climate change to me. I've been to cavemen. You try to explain. Well, here's one way. You want to use who are you? I'm here to explain the steps you can take to try and prevent. No, kill him. No. Dan explained that we evolved to have two systems of thinking. System one is to caveman brain. Fast and intuitive, instinctual. And system two is the analytical scientific Albert Einstein part of our brain. Now, who do you think would win in the science? That's the reason no matter how many facts we tell people about climate change, if the temperature goes up even two degrees, we won't even have coffee anymore. Funny stuff, Roy. It doesn't get through because we're only talking to the Einstein part of the brain.

16:51System two. Oh, that's milk. One bean of milk when the cows. And I heard about it. So how do we explain the world is ending to a caveman? We want to make system one and system two come into alignment. So the system one feels what system two understands. It means portraying climate change in terms of immediate visceral, vivid threats because system one understands those sorts of threats. Oh, I just need to trick my brain into really fearing climate change. Hey, I'm going to put on this shot collar. You told me something scary about climate change. Give me a shot when you say it. Okay, how about climate change is causing global sea levels to rise? Hello, bitch. You shot me for real. Do you want to do that? I'm just wrong with you. But after three and a half painful hours, I was scared of climate change. And I would never be on the rug again.

17:52If I was going to save the planet, I had to make my co-workers truly fear the melting ice caps. They heat up wildfires, the unstoppable sea level rise of climate change. And I knew just how to get through to them. Get used to it. The oceans are rising. This is how hard it's going to be. If you don't stop driving a damn thing, and get on the bike. Go. Get on the bike. Get on the damn bike. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sea level rise of ice caps and melting super hurricanes up at the top. I heard you was going around doing this. But that **** up up my office. Look, I know I'm being over the top. But it's time for everyone to be over the top about climate change. Now, I feel excuse me. Time to bring these no-chill polar bears to life.

18:52Sure feels good to save the Earth. And finally, use my polar bear costume for non-sexual reasons. This week, there have been a ton of stories developing every day. Congress is trying to avert another shutdown. Britain is still on the brink of a disastrous Brexit, and Venezuela is inching closer to civil war. But nobody cares about any of that today because it's too damn cold. Cities across the Midwest are scrambling to protect people from this deadly polar vortex that is blasting the region with what is called the coldest air in decades. It's plunging to as low as 70 degrees below zero in some cities. It's so cold outside the U.S. Postal Service, which almost never stops delivering, suspending service in 11 Midwestern states because of safety concerns. We can't say it enough before it's all said and done. The wind chill here will feel like it's 50 to 60 degrees below.

19:54So if you I can stay inside, please do so. It's important. Yeah, we're all inside because we're not idiots. Why are you outside, newsman? You know seriously, I never get why reports has to go into the bad weather to warn us about it. Like, just tell us from the studio, we believe you. Like, if you're sitting at the desk and you tell me it's cold, I'm not sitting at home like, is it don't let me see your nipples? They don't do this for any other type of story. They never like earlier today, a man was shot in the leg, and it looked like this. Baaah! But the point is, it is incredibly cold in America right now. Like, super cold. It's so cold that I looked in the mirror this morning and told myself to go back to Africa. We're talking minus 70. Anytime you're in negative numbers, you know the things out of hand. Because you realize when they made zero, they thought that would be the lowest. That's why it's zero. If they thought there was going to be anything lower, then they would have made that zero. But somehow, we are way below zero.

20:55In fact, right now, America might be the coldest place on Earth and beyond. People in the Dakotas in northern Minnesota saw windshields plummet to minus 50. That's colder than the top of Mount Everest. Colder than Antarctica, Siberia and Mount Everest. It will be colder in Chicago than it is in Antarctica or Alaska or the North Pole. Combine. Believe it or not, at times it's actually colder in some parts of the country than the surface of Mars. Goddamn. Colder than Mars? I guess that means it's really cold. Because I got to be honest. I have no idea what the weather is on Mars. If I had to guess, I'd be like, it's sandy. Is that a weather? Is that a thing? I don't understand why they do this on the news. Why using Mars as a reference word? None of us have been there. It's colder than Mars. Oh yeah, I spent summer and Mars. They was rather cold. I don't know what's happening on other planets. I barely know about anything on Earth and I live here. You could tell me Mars was named after Bruno Mars and I'll be like, yeah, make sense.

21:57Yeah, he's a popular guy. But the news is always explaining things with the most random comparisons and asteroid is headed towards the Earth and it weighs as much as 5,000 elephants. That's not helpful to anyone. No one knows how heavy an elephant is. Well, I need to see the Americans don't because in Africa we measure everything in elephants. It works for us. Yeah, we'll just be like, as you can see this is a very special property. It's a 40 elephants big, huh? And it has a baby hippo Jacuzzi. And I know what you're thinking. This probably costs three tigers. No, there's no tigers in Africa. You're racist. Yeah, and if you don't understand what colder than Mars means, don't worry. Because maybe a few scientific demonstrations will help. This is a clear piece of glass. As you can see, I got some water in my hand. I'm going to pour it on here. You see that? Look, it's going to freeze instantly. You see it crystallizing right there. The cold is absolutely no joke. I'm going to pour a little water on Barbie's hair. We'll give it a few seconds. And you'll see how fast her hair is going to freeze out here.

22:59One man actually turned this super frozen banana into a makeshift hammer. Okay, this... This, um, this didn't teach me how cold it is. But it did teach me how weird this guy is. His wife is probably like, honey, can you shovel the driveway? And he's like, I can't. I'm testing different fruits to say if they can be hammers. And after that, I'm building a birdhouse out of Kiwis. Now, it goes without saying most of us are miserable when it's this cold. But apparently there's one group that is having a blast right now. The police. A Sheriff's Department in Minnesota using the cold to freeze a uniform in place so it stands on its own. Yeah, meanwhile, some police officers in Simple Illinois say they caught the criminal responsible for this brutal weather. And they're not letting her go. Elsa, the snow queen from Frozen was taken into custody. Police in Missouri asking criminals to take a break because it's too cold to fight crime.

24:00That's right. It's so cold that the police are sending out tweets just asking criminals to please not commit any crimes. They're basically just asking the criminals to stop the crime for them, which is ridiculous. What's next? I'm just going to ask people to arrest themselves. Just going to be like, yeah, we're going to mail you a self-a-rest kit. It's got a Miranda rights handcuffs. Some drugs to plant on yourself and a body can. But whatever you do, don't turn it on, okay? It causes more trouble than it's worth. Just keep it off. Trust me. But look, it is dangerous outside. It's super cold, so stay home if you can. Stay warm if you go out. And if you see someone in need, please help them out. There's one of the most vulnerable periods for anybody who does not have a place to stay. Because right now, there are millions of people in harm's way. And yet, even with that many people affected, President Trump has found a way to steal the spotlight. The president sees this, and it prompts him to tweet the following. In the beautiful Midwest, wind chill temperatures are reaching minus 60 degrees. The coldest ever recorded.

25:01In coming days, expected to get even colder. People can't last outside even for minutes. What the hell is going on with global whamming? Please come back fast. We need you. Ah, some brilliant analysis from French fry the science guy. Yeah, according to the president, a cold snap is proof that global whamming isn't real. Like, I'm just like Trump never stops. Even the coldest day of the year. The rest of us are having a brain freeze, and he's like, nothing of freeze-year! Firing on all cylinders! I won't lie. Let me tell you this. If I was ever trapped in the Alps, I would hope that I get trapped with Trump. I won't lie. Because the cold clearly doesn't affect him. Like, I would probably be there like, so cold we've got to do something. And he'd be like, you're right, we've got to build a wall! Nancy Pelosi, click in Hillary! I'm gonna die. Of course you're gonna die, Trevor. I must 13 coming over the border. They're coming!

26:04But once again, the president of the United States is the leading voice of climate change denial. So to help us clear up these misconceptions, please welcome back our senior science correspondent, Ronny Chang, everybody! Ronny, help yourself. Can you explain to people like President Trump how a cold snap doesn't mean there's no global warming? No, Trevor. I can't. I'm sick of this shit. Every time Trump sees an ice cube, he's all like, oh, we're with the global warming! And then all those journals have to come on TV and explain the difference between weather and climate. Even though it's the simplest thing in the world, everyone understands it. Kids get it. Dogs get it. Even my idiot boss gets it. The only person who doesn't get it is President Frosty, the slow man. Ronny, Ronny, come on. Maybe if we keep explaining it, Trump will eventually understand. You know, it's the model we have. No man child left behind. Oh, really Trevor? This is it? Do we want to change his mind this time?

27:05Okay, sure. Fine. Here we go again. Look, you see this? You see this line? It's global temperatures. Okay? And it's going up. It's going up. If this was going down, you'd be right. And we'd be the dumbasses. But it's going up. So you're wrong and you're the dumbass. Okay? Even if you flip the chart upside down, it's still going up. Up. So it doesn't matter if it's sometimes called in Cincinnati because the line keeps going the f*** up. Up. Sorry, Trevor. I tried, but I just can't do it anymore. Actually, I think you explained that pretty perfectly. Ronny Chang, everybody. We'll be right back. Oh, it's so cool. Explore more shows from the Daily Show Podcast universe by searching the Daily Show, wherever you get your podcasts. Watch the Daily Show weekdays at 11, 10 Central on Comedy Central,

28:05and stream full episodes anytime on Fairmount Plus. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.