Taoism VS How To Win Friends And Influence People

0:00So happy new year. It's been again like two days, apparently I have the rhythm of uploading every second day or something. Today we're gonna talk about how to win friends and inference people, one of my favorite books that I've read actually must have been like three, four, five years ago or something. Today is a pretty shitty day, not only regarding the weather, but also how I feel, but it is okay. It is what it is I think often. I think today is a really good example of deciding to still see the good and still appreciate, you know, what I'm seeing, what I'm having, what I'm doing, what I'm capable of doing and what not. Instead of, yeah, I guess, focusing on the pain

1:05and what is not nice and what I do not appreciate. Anyway, so Dave Carnegie is how to win friends and inference people is the foundation text of the self-help genre. I do really dislike the term self-help and or self-development, the reason why I've also renamed the podcast like a year ago I think, but yeah, it's central thesis that you cannot force people to like you or agree with you instead you must make them want to do so by appealing to their deepest human needs. The desire to feel important and appreciate it. The thing is how to win friends, yeah, this is I think like the best part of the title, but the letterman influence people, I don't know, it really sounds more manipulative than anything else, and therefore I dislike it, but yeah, fundamental techniques in handling people, which is the first point. These are the

2:06don'ts that prevent you from burning bridges before you even built them, don't criticize, condemn or complain, criticism is futile because it puts people on the defensive and wounds their pride. I don't know, I think after going through this I must go through like, how should I say, like being an honest person I think is quite important, so yeah, give honest and sincere appreciation. Carnegie Distinguished is from a flattery, appreciation is not noticing a genuine strength and calling it out, so is noticing a genuine strength. A rouse in the other person and eager want to get someone to do something, you must frame it in terms of what they want and not what you want. Another really interesting quote unquote technique or, you know, I think the main

3:07reason why I'm talking about these things is to inform, so not that you should be doing those things but rather being aware of them and seeing them and then deciding not to engage with these people and or deciding to, well, deciding to maybe step away, yeah, but when you're asking somebody to do something for you and the first answer is no asking again with like a simple request or like an easier request or whatever it might be, you know, just something that is more likely to be yesed than the chances are really high just because the first answer was a no and for some reason people then feel like bad for negating the first one and therefore want to make up for it

4:13or what not, I guess this is the case, you know, please correct me in the comments if this is like complete bullshit, but yeah, six ways to make people like you. This section focuses on how to be the kind person others enjoy being around. Hello. Become genuinely interested in other people. You can make more friends into months by being interested in others than in two years of trying to get others interested in you. So asking questions and asking good questions, you know, not like the silly ones or not the bad ones or what not, smile. It is a simple non-verbal signal that your friendly and approachable. Remember names to any person, their own name is the sweetest and most important sounds in any language. I cannot disagree, you know, I don't really believe in that. What I know is quite often is people mispronouncing or misinterpreting or whatever my name,

5:16which, you know, the thing is I was taught to dislike that, not necessarily because, you know, I really dislike it, but I think it is also, you know, somewhat of a, I mean, at this point, I really don't care about it. At this point, I've allowed myself to just really give a shit, you know, or don't give a shit, because it is what it is. You know, if people think that my name is X, Y and C, then okay, it is what it is, you know, what shall I do? Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves. There is like this saying that I've heard like so many times now of, you know, us having two years but one month and therefore we should listen more than we talk and whatnot. But I don't know, I think a good conversation is two-sided,

6:16a good conversation, you know, it's not one person asking something all the time, but rather like two-sided anyways. Talking in terms of the other person's interest, do your homework and what they care about before you meet. Whatever this might be. But I don't know, like this is I think one step too far for my taste and what I appreciate or what I like, but you do you I guess. Make the other person feel important and do it sincerely. How do we people do your way of thinking, which is the third point? This is about, quote unquote, influencing without creating resentment or starting a fight. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. You can't win an argument even if you prove the other person wrong, you've heard their pride and lost their good will. Show respect for the other person's opinions, never say you are wrong. Because I think it's actually also really seldomly the case

7:23that someone is indeed wrong. Many parts of life I think are black and white, but yeah. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and empathetically, this disarms the other person and often leads them to be more forgiving. Get the other person saying yes, yes, immediately start with points of agreement to build yes, momentum, the socratic method. This might actually be the thing that I did I was talking about just before. If someone says yes to something and I do remember trying it out like in public, which was really a cringe experience and my good friend Wolf might remember but going up to a person and asking them for the time and then asking them if they

8:26want to have one cent or something and it was really cringe and I didn't. Anyway, let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. People are more committed to ideas they think they came up with themselves. Yeah, I don't know. The only thing is for me, what is really important for me is and this is just a character that I've built throughout the years and this is just a person that I become. When I do know that a person came up with something, a person developed this idea or did this design or whatever it might be, I'm going to give credit to this person and I'm going to do so publicly. I'm going to do so in front of the profess sign, in front of whoever is teaching the cause because it is important because it is that work. Not because I want anybody to or someone to

9:27do the same for me. I really don't give a shit about that but it is just the right thing to do and throughout the years I've been able to develop this. I think I'm actually kind of proud of that I've developed this kind of being and living a life of trying as hard as I can. Of course, I'm not the Holy Spirit himself but I really try to do what is right and I really try not to be an asshole and I really try to be as kind as I possibly can be. The thing is sometimes kindness is you know, it really depends on the situation. It also really depends on the person. You know, whatever might be kind to me might not be kind to you. So it is very important to once again

10:27think about the other person rather than yourself. Am I doing this certain act for me or am I doing a certain act for the other person? Then really directing your kindness in a way that the other person understands it. It is just a form of communication. When somebody is talking to me in Spanish, which I do not speak, well done, I don't understand you. Even if you say something nice to me, it's basically worthless then. But the reason for doing so is it's not about influencing people, it is not about trying to get something out of anyone. I've realized quite early that this this doesn't make any sense. You're not going to get anything out of someone unless they want to.

11:35But in the end it is just what is right and what makes me feel good as a person and what makes me also like proud of myself and proud of the person that I've become. I don't know, I think it's also this type of person that I want my kids, for example, to be in case I do have any, which is definitely not sure. But yeah, be a leader, how to change people without giving offence. If you're in the position of authority and must correct someone, Carnegie such as these tactics, begin with praise and honest appreciation. It's like no vaccine, I guess, before the dental work of criticism. I do like the sandwich method, like saying something good, then like whatever you're critiquing and then saying something good again. What I do like about these ways of communication is

12:38you can somehow ensure, you know, of course not 100% or 200%. You can somehow ensure that this person is not going to leave the meeting, is not going to leave your feedback with an upset stomach. Because this is in the end something that serves nobody. When I'm getting some feedback on something and I just feel bad about it later on and whatnot, like what should I do with it? Even if it is constructive, even if it is like really good feedback, but in the end, we are human. Period. Talk about your own mistakes first. This makes you seem human and less judgmental. I do just want to underline the human part. It is just human. We all do make mistakes. I do the never-single fucking day, you know. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders, instead of do this, try, do you think this would work? Which I think again is about communication

13:41and communicating also some sort of, how should I say, you give the other person the possibility or the ability to say no. I think, you know, this and the other thing might work better, or whatever, you know. So, you know, it is, I think in the end, the whole book is about creating an environment that creating an environment that is just nice. You know, where people just feel good in. Period. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to treat them as if they already possess the virtue you want them to develop, which probably actually is the

14:42case, you know. Anyways, the one sentence summary. Success comes from seeing the world through the other person's eyes and making them feel valued rather than trying to dominate them with logic or authority. What I find interesting and what I kind of believe is like the complete opposite of this book is Taoist teachings. So, now give me like the Taoist view of these topics, I guess, because I believe them to be rather the opposite of what this book is trying to be or do. I think kind of the problem with this book in general is that you need to have

15:43like another person, you know, to do something. And I think Taoism is more or less trying to work on yourself and trying to do, yeah, build this life that you want to have, I guess. You have a very keen intuition, your rights. Taoism or Taoism often stands in direct contrast to the striving and social engineering found in Dale Carnegie's work. While Carnegie focuses on influence strategy and winning Taoist focus on being spontaneous and losing the ego. If Carnegie is about polishing the stone, Taoism is about the un-carved block or poo. Here is how Taoist principles look when applied to your original questions about depression and social interaction. Was this my original question, you know, I've well anyway, who way non-doing and effortless action? Carnegie suggests you should work hard to

16:48smile remember names and influence others. Taoism suggests that the more you try to be liked, the less authentic and less effective you become. Instead of fighting depression with a long list of tasks, we way suggest flowing with the current state. It is not about being lazy and it's not about forcing a feeling that isn't there. If you're tired, you rest. By stopping the struggle against depression, you stop the secondary suffering of feeling bad about feeling bad, which I think is like a really common feeling that you might maybe also know. On influence, people are naturally drawn to the hard piece and lack an agenda or agenda. But not trying to win friends and become a vessel that people naturally gravitate towards. I think so as well. And the beauty in this sentence lies in the fact that you don't need the other person. You don't need the other person to feel good or whatever.

17:48You are at peace yourself with whatever your situation might be. This makes people like you, I guess, and this makes people wonder who is this person, who is this person that is not trying to be someone he or she is not. This person that is just naturally whatever. Poo, the uncarved block. Carnegie teaches you how to shape your personality to be more effective. Taoism prises Poo, your original, simple and unshaped nature. Carnegie's methods can feel like performing a version of yourself to get a result. Taoism warns that this... Wants that this... Oh, have I stopped? Fuck. Taoism, blah blah blah. Taoism warns that this creates

18:56duplicity and internal exhaustion and major factor in depression. You are most powerful when you are a plane. You don't need to be leader or an influencer. When you return to your simplest self, you are no longer exhausted by the needs to maintain an image. And I think this is like the key point of losing your ego or just, you know, not not living through your ego. Yeah. No matter what somebody says to you, no matter what is happening to you. You're going to be at peace because those things just do not influence you. The power of the low point, the water philosophy, in that the Taoist Jing allows you often compares the way to water. Water is soft, but it becomes... but it overcomes the heart. It always flows to the lowest places with humans, which humans usually avoid. On depression, what society tells us to climb out of the hole, Taoism suggests there is wisdom in the valley.

19:58The low point is where water collects and life grows, embracing the low state without judgment, allows you to find a different kind of strength of the Yin, so the quiet, dark, and receptive. And I would say this as well, you know, there is always something to learn. There is always something to get out of these things. Get out of these, you know, moments in life, I would say. The fourth one is Ciran, which I've never heard actually. Carnegie's book provides a script for social success. Taoism advocates for Ciran, which means happening of itself. Instead of calculating how to make someone feel important, you simply respond to them as they are in the moment. There is no technique. If you feel like listening, listening, if you have nothing to say, if you have nothing

21:00to say, stay silent, this removes the social anxiety that often fuels depression. And I think the thing is, people, you know, people may like this person, you know, people may like you, or they don't. But the problem with, you know, building like this character, I guess, and building like this, you know, social engineering, you know, of course, you know, it might get you somewhere, it might get you some great job, it might get you, I don't know, whatever it might be, you know, I don't give a shit. But in the end, your whole life long playing this character of somebody you're not, or playing this character of someone that wants to be someone, someone special, I guess,

22:10it really, it already sounds exhausting, it already sounds like, you know, this is a really dumb idea, instead of just being yourself and really letting go of the ego. And this is definitely something that I need to work on as well, you know, it can be applied, applies to so many different situations and so many different areas of life, understanding that no matter what is happening, no matter what someone says or doesn't say to me, it is okay, it is fine, I'm just me and I'm living with life, I'm living with the flow, whatever comes and whatever doesn't doesn't, and this is fine, you know, this is really okay, things are okay as they are, life gives you or sensual things that you need to probably learn

23:11something, and the question is, what is the thing that you should be learning? You know, my bad day today might let me to recording this podcast, let me to revisiting Taoism, and so you know, this might be a sign of okay, maybe all of this is just an ego thing, you know, maybe I should just finally let go of my ego and see things as they are and being okay with it and being fine with it and understanding that, well, tomorrow is the next day and whatever comes comes and what doesn't does not, and that is okay. There is a bit of a comparison table that I'm going to skip Taoist practice for you, sitting in forgetfulness, instead of the self-improvement suggested by a Carnegie, try the Taoist practice of self-substraction, sit quietly and self-trying to think positive

24:15of fixative depression, simply imagine you're dropping your titles and your goals and also your personality, just be breathing, just be a breathing body. In Taoism, we don't win friends, we become so in harmony with the Taoist and friends and wellness find us naturally. And actually, this feels more correct or more true or more, it feels way better than trying to force things. I guess that whenever we're trying to force something and also like what it is a reaction, forcing a reaction or what it is, I don't know, trying to get somewhere, trying to do something. I don't know, like things, things bones turn out too well.

25:19And let go of the ego. I guess this is my final word. Let go of the ego. Whatever you are, you're definitely not your emotions, you're definitely not your, think you're also not your thoughts. It's just a vessel, a brain and there's like a shit ton of we are so small, we are incredibly small. We are like on this fucking rotating planet in the middle of a solar system. And we are so fucking insignificant and our lives are so fucking insignificant, we only make them significant by thinking they are. But in the end, you know, I don't know, we are in charge. So we can also be happy, I guess. And yeah, with that being said,

26:27hopefully you're going to see the next time. So bye bye.