Sunday Papers with Greg and Mike 9/6/2026 | Greg Fitzsimmons

0:00You're only hearing this because they need a song, it's underpapers and the facts are off and wrong. You're only hearing this because they need a song. Welcome, read all about it. You know the drill, go out to your doorstep, sniff around for the fresh ink. Let your dog pick it up. You know what? Just let your dog pick it up. Sit in your lazy boy with your coffee and your bathrobe and let that motherfucker drop that thing in your lap. Are our names usually on the windows? Yes. Really? Okay. Yeah. So when they do a promo, what? They zoom in past that? I don't know. It might just be there for us to see right now. I don't know if it shows up in the actual. I love all your technical explanations. It's just the confidence instead of saying, I don't know. And I try to say I don't know as I hit don't, my mind spins that I'm going to look dumb

1:04in front of my father at dinner. Oh, man. There's no one doing that. I'll tell you that right now. Nope. Uh, yeah. All right. Let's do this. We're going to keep it tight, I think today. I'm a little spent. I just drove through three states to get here to this podcast. Which states? I woke up in the gorgeous Berkshires in Stockbridge. Was in the got a coffee at the red lion in this morning. It was great. I was visiting my, I'd say my oldest friend probably Joe Tennetti. We went to this elitist snobby high school that your sister and brother went to. Your brother and I didn't make it through your sister did. Noted mine, hackley in Tarrytown. And I felt the kids were pretty snobby there. In fact, they were way less snobby in boarding school where I went after that. But anyway, I was still pretty working class and rougher on the edges.

2:09I mean, I lived in subsidized housing with my mom in the tiny apartment with my sister. And, and you know, these kids were all in Brooks Brothers and LLB. And there was another kid and you could see him across the cafeteria with his Timberlands, his belly, his, his like polyester blend shirts and pants. And I'm like, that's my people. And it was Joe Tennetti. He shops at Marshalls too. Meanwhile, he came from a good situation. I think he just was keeping it very real. That's the, that's the thing he was doing. And he, then they kicked out my two best friends at the end of eighth grade. Joe was one of them. He doesn't like to say kicked out. He says not invited back because they told him early summer that you're no longer welcome here. Anyway, right. Joe's an artist. Did the art thing a long time? You know, well, did the art thing in Brooklyn, then moved up with his lovely wife Sarah.

3:10And now they have two boys in Stockbridge. Uh, we go swimming with this pool. That's like James Taylor country up there. Oh, no, no, he, he literally said. It's James, did James Taylor has some song like walking on the side of a road or something like that? No, it's that. And so was the snow fall. No, no, there's not a fridge to Boston about the mass pike. But anyway, he has another one about walking on a road. Anyway, Joe goes, yeah, he goes, I saw him walking on a road. He's like, you know, right out here, they show me the school that James Taylor's kids went to and all that stuff. But also one time we go to this very, uh, wasp lake situation there. And, um, so I'm swimming with him. And then I just make a dumb joke. I'm like, check out yo yo ma coming in the water here, right? Because there was this old erasure guy coming in. But Joe, but Joe goes, how did you know? And was dead serious. And I'm like, what are you talking about?

4:11He goes, that's yo yo ma. And because he lives there because of Tanglewood. Yeah. Yeah. We want to Tanglewood and saw Tadesky trucks with Luke Nelson warming up. No way. How is that? It was all. Yeah. They still do. Are they still doing the, uh, the, um, uh, uh, slime the family stone medley at the end? Just lie. They didn't know, but now we'll talk. We'll sound like complete dead heads talking about what they played and what they didn't play. But it was great. And I love they're playing, uh, Dolly Parton's wild flowers, which is a me. Oh, nice. Yeah. So that's really great. They played Ohio again, which I know they played in the bowl. And anyway, it was great and some, some high school friends also came in, uh, and, uh, and then like all the sudden I get a tap on the shoulder, a teacher from my high school who recognized me and keep him on the ride. He's still alive. Yeah. Yeah. No, not only that, he's like just one biking all over around Lake Placet and was like

5:14telling us about his whole, yeah, I mean, I guess he was like 10 years older than we were maybe, yeah, maybe 12. It's weird though. You know, like he's still like I just call him Mr. Kinney. You know, like, yeah, I don't even know if I know his first name. Do your nieces call you Uncle Mike? Um, yes. Yeah. My niece and nephew call me Uncle Mike. I kind of like it. I like it. It feels earned. Uncle Mike is a very, yeah, it's a step up for you. It's a good title. Yeah. Well, Uncle Greg. Oh, all right. I thought it was Uncle Mike. Oh, all right. That's kind of pedestrian. So anyway, I drove down today, stopped at my old high school, which the Appalachian Trail goes through. It's like crazy and came down that, uh, Southwestern corner of Massachusetts. You jump into Lakeville, Connecticut. It's just crazy, uh, beautiful.

6:16And I noticed one thing. It's one of the few places now, maybe the only place where when I see an American flag out, I don't get like concerned. Like, it's usually on a barn or a tractor, but it means something different. It's more like John Cougar melanchamp than, uh, Kid Rock. Yeah. I mean, keep in mind, it's on a farm in the most educated state in the union. I believe, uh, and maybe the smartest state, I don't know how they measure those things, but Massachusetts. So it has a different, different than when, like, whether it was Nashville or Orange County, or other places like that. Well, uh, I'm glad you're having a happy little trip. Good for you in New England in the summer, driving around the rent to car, listening to, uh, old Dylan bootlegs and seeing your old, uh, high school, preppy friends.

7:18It sounds so idyllic. I am standing knee deep and mud in my backyard. All right. Because, um, they told me we had a little, what? You told me this before and I asked what caused it and you said, save it for the pod. Save it for the podcast. I was, uh, we had a little, uh, little gas smell in the TV room, which I normally just assume it's me and I forgot that I farted. Never do that. And, uh, I realized it was not that kind of fart. And so eventually we called the gas company and they came over and said, yes, you have a leak. So they shut off the gas and we had to call a plumber and six plumbers were busy. Couldn't get a plumber. Oh, and then finally we get this one company and they come over and they take a look at it. And we've got like, you know, they're the original pipes from in the house was built in 1946 and there's rust going into the fucking ground where the pipes are.

8:20And so they say they look at it and they go, yeah, we can fix it. But we just, we just put a new patio down in the back with bricks. It's basically bricks on the back. Yes, I saw that. Had to tear it up. Tear it up. Yeah. And what timing you live there? How long have you lived there? Uh, 25 years. And in the summer, in your 2050 or when you decide to put in a hardscape, it gets torn up right away. Yep. And then. And they quote us 70, they quote us $8900. Okay. And I talked him down to $7800. And then they hit a water line as they were digging the trench for the gas line. And that was pouring water into our backyard mud pit back there. And uh, yes. So then the city had to come and shut off the water. So now there's no gas.

9:20There's no water. Uh, I just took a dump and I flushed it, which means nobody else can take another dump. What? We're missing something. You can't flush. There's no water. Oh, oh, you know, I had the water in the tank. You get one free flush. My alright, I don't know what line was broken, but it's taking a dump the most prudent thing to do. When all this is happening, couldn't you? No, it's not a sewer. It's, it's incoming water. Oh, but that being said, um, I should have maybe filled up a couple of buckets with water before, uh, having the city shut off the water. It's been a little complicated. It's been a very busy couple days. Man, it's crazy. It sounds like it's almost sounds like you got hit by a heart. But meanwhile, when you told me that, I was like, I'm very out of the news cycle, which will be evident as we do this podcast.

10:20But, uh, I do know there's three hurricanes in the Eastern Pacific. Really? Yeah. So I didn't know if like you guys got hit with like a lot of rain or something. Not a drop. It's been beautiful out. Wow. Originally they said it was going to rain this weekend and then they pushed that off. So, you know, I have to go to Vancouver tomorrow to do a show and, uh, I just went to book my hotel because I waited until the last minute and, uh, hotels are all $900 because it's Labor Day weekend. So if anybody lives in Vancouver, it's too late. They won't get this till Sunday. I need a place to stay. Do we know anybody in Vancouver? But do you get in front of Guest Room on Airbnb or something? Yeah, I'll have to do that, which is like undesired like families can't do it or whatever. So yeah, just, uh, stragglers. Um, yeah. Also, uh, the Pacific hit 80 degrees of San Diego.

11:21No. Yep. So I know I've been in the, I've been in the water a lot the last weekend. It's been, it's been at 75. Enjoy it because, uh, yeah, it's going to be incredibly disruptive, the weather patterns and all that they say to put it mildly. Yeah. The next six months is going to be very wet. Um, got some good podcasts coming up. I just had your buddy Dave Kackner on. Kackner is, uh, he's a national treasure. He is absolutely one of the best. I said, God damn it. I wish you didn't live in North Hollywood. You know, we could watch football games with him on Sunday. He's just like an old school Irish guy. He's got manners. He's dark. He's funny. He's got a good heart. He's had his struggles, but he's doing really good. He's made a great talk that, well, you're bearing the lead. Like he's genuinely considered one of the greatest improvers of all time. Yes.

12:22And so when you do, so when you do a podcast with him, it's just, it's, you feel so connected. We went for like an hour and 20 minutes, which I hate doing to my guests. I try to keep it to an hour. So I've been respecting their time. We're not, man. But I didn't realize it had been an hour, 20 minutes. He's just, he's the best. Yeah. We got together years ago, we, we just, well, first of all, we're going, we're going to do a psilocybin tour together. Oh, and about, I don't know, seven years ago, he and I went to transcendental meditation training for a week together. Oh, yeah. And we're still. Yeah. A David Lynch's place. I don't know if it's David Lynch's place. Listen, how hollywood we are. What's that? What? Wait, I froze for a second. Oh. Open the door to get better Wi-Fi.

13:24I'm in a little nook in the woods. There we go. Look at this, look at this situation. I'm in the woods here. Oh, wow. It looks like the album cover for Led Zeppelin III. Not this way with the pull out sofa, but nice fireplace behind it. No. What a podcast. Are you in a friend's house or a hotel? No, I'm up at Jenny who said a big hello. I went out. They just got back. They just got up here from New York City. So big hello from my steps. Oh, you're in Carmel. I'm in Carmel. Oh, nice. Okay. All right. So let's get to it. We want to thank Bob for the great logo this week. Very adorable. That might be something that we could sell. I don't know, Bob, let me know how you made this. If you actually made these figurines, we might need to mass produce them and sell them on the show. You look like the woman who does the podcast with Galloway.

14:25Why forget her name. That's what you look like. The song, did you listen to the song I sent you this week? In my card and have any speakers like Jesus Christ, but Moses, man, thank you. Excellent song. If you know what I said to him, I go, this sounds like Jason Isbel. Jason is like Jason Isbel. So you'll really like it. Who is playing tonight? It kind of made me sad for a little while. All right. Yeah. Jason Isbel is in Tanglewood tonight. I mean, they're getting cool acts there. In addition to Yo-Yo, Ma. Just when your life could not get any wider. All right. Corrections. Corrections. Corrections. We got John Park says not the Jones town flood.

15:26As you said, it's the Jones town flood. Sure is. I should know because I've listened to that audiobook like four times. And Springsteen song. I think we're getting a little frozen. Am I? Yeah. I haven't seen you freeze. I don't know the strongest Wi-Fi here in the woods. Is it me? Well, my house is flooded and without gas. So who knows if the Wi-Fi is next? This is production value, folks. This is production value. All right. And then we got, now we got Hugh who says hilarious, so entitled to ask your fans to pay in your currency instead of the currency in their own country, LOL. I was talking about going to Vancouver. I think maybe there's on my other podcast going to Vancouver. And here's the deal I get from the theater. I can sell my pins, which I sell for $10.

16:28They cost me four. And then the venue takes 20%. So that's two. So now I'm down to making $4. And then I have to hire somebody to handle the merch, my pins. The club? And then I have to hire somebody to... It's a theater. Yeah, sometimes theaters do this. And so also the rule with the theater is you have to hire somebody on their staff and give them $200 to handle the merchandise. And then whatever you got left over, when you get to the border, you have to pay a 25% tariff on the money. So I'm not seeing the upside here. That's crazy. I love his little hack here with the Starbucks gift card.

17:30Read that. Yeah, so he says, when your fans buy your pins in Canadian currency, oh, that was the other thing. As I'd be getting paid $10 Canadian currency, which is only worth $0.85 in American currency. And then I would have to pay a fee to transfer the money to American currency. So he says, take it all to Starbucks by a Starbucks gift card. And then it'll work in the US. Handy would have changed the currency. Very, very smart. I mean, I think, I mean, if that's not a movie of two dumb guys loading up on thousands of Starbucks cards for some scan that won't work. And then they lose them or whatever. I like that. What is it? What you mean, it's what $0.85 on the Canadian dollar? Yes. I mean, I'm guessing. I know the US dollar is always a little bit stronger. Oh, so it's the other way around.

18:31Okay. So. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Cougan wasn't in the little round. So I think it would go ahead. I think. Go ahead. Or our gang, as Mike mentioned, he might be thinking of Jackie Cooper instead. I don't even remember that conversation. Yep. No, you brought up the laws that protect child actors from their like parents taking all their money. So and he's right. So it was was Jackie Cougan and who I mistakenly said was in the little rascals. So yeah. All right. All right. One other thing he mentioned is that the the Gaboris sisters hailed from Budapest Hungary, not Romania. Oh, okay. Uh, okay. Mark M says thanks for the honorable mention on the show. I guess Mike asked some questions. I get checked. Oh, this is the guy who had the cancer removed from his face.

19:36He had squamous cell carcinoma, not basil. And he cut it just once, healed up very nicely. He said, however, I can't quite pick my nose up the right nostril as I could previously because it's smaller. I get that. Use your pink. He said I would I would like to get your. Yeah. So I'm happy that he that the scars, not too bad. Paul says, Hey man, okay, come. Okay, we asked where okay comes from. I don't know if these letter, these actually should have gone to letters to the editor instead of corrections, but I think he was correcting us. Maybe the phrase, okay, comes from a telegram where one idiot wrote all, all correct. O L L K O R R E C T. And the guy receiving the message was his friend and the whole friend group made fun of the idiot for the rest of his life.

20:37So this was like the original text chain. I think this is a made up story. But anyway, well, somebody else said, this is Blake B. You asked a meeting of okay, what I've been told is it's an abbreviation from old German immigrants saying, Alice, Clar, L L E S K L A R, which is all is good. And with them trying to speak English people in the Northeast interpreted as all correct, which started to be abbreviated as okay. Wow, all is clear. Hey, that's from Blake B. Are those trains filled with Jewish people from the city? Alice car, all is car. Don't worry about it. All is clear. Yeah. And then they make the little German heart shape with their hands in front of their chest. Now, do you think okay, Corral? Was that for Oklahoma?

21:39Oh, interesting. Probably. I don't know. You keep reading. I'm going to look that one up. The other thing Blake B said to me and he had actually DM me on a text that he wrote or a DM on on Instagram that he wrote that he wrote this joke, Trump to rename the San on San Andreas fault to Biden's fault. All right, wait, that's an original. Well, that's what I said. I go, I wasn't aware that you had written this because it was kind of a meme. I'd seen a lot online. So I've never seen that. I mean, I think that's pretty clever. It's very clever. And I'm not taking anything away from Blake B. I'm just hoping it was him that wrote it because it's a, it's a great joke. Okay, Corral derives from the old kinder's Lee Corral. 19th century, livery and horse stable in tombstone, Arizona.

22:44So it'd be quite strange if it was named out for Oklahoma. All right. Yeah. Tour dates coming up. I'll be in La Jolla at the comedy store September 18 through 20 Fairbanks, Alaska and three or four different venues September 30 through October 3rd. Batavia, Illinois at the comedy vault, October 15 through 17. Then I'm coming to Toronto and Phoenix. All tickets at fitsdog.com. You want to shout out the great Gotham production studios for putting this show from our mouths to your ears, basically. And also one of our sponsors this week is Zock doc. You want to talk about Zock doc, Mike? We've talked about Zock doc. It's like, you know, listen, putting off a doctor's appointment. It's incredibly easy, especially when making the appointment means sitting on the phone, getting transferred around. We're waiting for someone to call you back. It's not easy at all. In fact, I'm in the middle of that right now.

23:45I'm supposed to do this follow up, but I extended my stay here on these coast. Oh boy, when you try to move an appointment, that's when it gets really interesting. So that's why we're sponsored by Zock doc. Zock doc, let's you search and compare local in network doctors. The website has reviews from real patients and detailed doctor profiles. So you can look through your options and choose the doctor who feels right for you. You can also see actual appointment openings. Oh, that's the best. And click to instantly book a visit without the phone anxiety or the endless game of phone tag. Your health matters to take care of yourself shouldn't be complicated. Find and book the right doctor with Zock doc head to zock doc.com slash papers to get started and check that appointment off your to do list. It's zoc doc.com slash papers. Yeah, here's the one I got the other day while on the phone with my health insurance provider.

24:49I'm on hold and then the lady goes, press one. If you'd like me to call you back, it's like, what are you, my cousin? Now we're like exchanging numbers and I'll get I'll call you. Hey, let me call you back. No, pick up the phone. Is this how it goes with your cousin? Oh, I got a whole story about that surf shark. Think about how much of your life is exposed online. There's this great show about this by the way. The Zach is in right now on Netflix. Every time you go to a website, every time you use public Wi-Fi, you're leaving a digital trail. For instance, I was recently at the airport and I logged on and I was looking up when Bruce Springsteen is touring again. And then I put on my Spotify radio and it started playing Bruce Springsteen.

25:52So was that a coincidence? I don't think so. They are mining. Here's a new thing they want to do too. Is they want to use your car's brain, I would you call it, the electronics in your car to record if you're speeding, if you're slamming on the brakes and it will send that information to your insurance company who will then raise your rates based on your driving. I mean, is this George Orwell here? Are you kidding me? The law is so clear. So anyway, Surfshark is an all in one cybersecurity suite that helps protect your connection, personal information and devices at its core. It encrypts your connection, making your online activity harder to track. It's ad blocker blocks, ads and trackers and alternative ID. Let's you create different contact information for one off online sign up so you don't have to give you real information to every single website.

26:56They all want it now. One subscription awful covers unlimited devices, phone, laptop, smart TV. Does it cover my car? That's what I want to know. Secure your entire digital life with Surfshark. It's completely risk free with their 30-day money back guarantee. Go to surfshark.com slash Sunday or use code Sunday at checkout to get four extra months of Surfshark. Again, that surfshark.com slash Sunday, S-U-N-D-A-Y. They literally write that out for me to say in case people don't know how to spell Sunday or use code Sunday at checkout. You can also find the link at the top of today's episode description. Do you have paper to crinkle my gibbons? Oh, boy. Let's see. I probably could get a piece of paper out of my backpack. Do you have one sitting? All done. Maybe like a bill from a plumber or an electrician? I'll give you a right here. I got it. I don't know what I'm going to do.

27:59Hold on. I got my notebook that I'm writing jokes in this week. I decided to crack a fresh notebook and fill it. Oh, good. It's three pages a day every single day. You can deal with one last page in your joke. All right. Here's a crinkle. That's a good one. OK. From page. From page. Humanoid robot fights back after man pushes it in store footage from an electronic store recorded a humanoid robot fighting back after a man tried to push it. It's probably the first time we've seen a robot attempt to defend itself. So did you see this by the way? Did you see the video? I sent you the link. Oh, my God. It's crazy. It breaks into full karate pose as in kicks and punches. Yeah. The man in the gray polo says, as you can see in this footage, if you Google humanoid robot fights back, you'll find it. It was introduced. The guy in the gray polo is introduced to the robot by an apparent employee of the store.

29:00The man attempts to shake the robot's hand, which is not reciprocated. After his hand is rejected, the man pushes the bot's shoulder. I would not have done that. The black shirted employee appears to touch the back of the robot. And either the android organically responds to this touch or the worker presses a button that puts the bot into fight mode. After this, the robot enters a fighting stance and attempts several kicks in the direction of the guy who pushed him. The black shirted employee is aided by a third man who runs and blocks the robot until they can stop it. It is thankfully kind of awkward footage. It looked like you and I dance. It's very, very stiff still. But this is at like kind of, I can imagine, a radio shack type store. So this is the last time we're going to like chuckle at how a robot fights, I think.

30:06Exactly. Yes. I don't know where the robot was manufactured, but with that kind of temper, I'm guessing Italy. It had tattoos. But then maybe, but yeah, but then also like with the karate moves, maybe it was built in Japan. I don't know. I think it drives the car that you don't see a lot of Italians in jet. Yes. It drives your muscle car. I would bet on that. Yeah. Smokes definitely smokes very jealous of its girl of its robot girlfriend who has a little robot mustache and gets super jealous of that guy at the radio shack. Yeah, exactly. I would oh, Dickie sent us this story.

31:08Oh, and New Mexico man is accused of fatally shooting his cousin after the two men argued about who's green chili enchiladas were spicier. Erwin Joaquin Gutierrez Gutierrez, 22 was arrested and charged with one count of open murder. I've never heard of what's open murder me. I don't know. It's better than closet. Gutierrez is accused of shooting. Gutierrez is accused of shooting Nathaniel Cavazzo's 25. Gutierrez had come to cook dinner with Cavazzo's and argument broke out when Gutierrez began antagonizing him, claiming that the chili and his enchiladas was too hot. Police said the men had been drinking at the apartment and it carves Casabraus allegedly bloodied Gutierrez with a punch and then Gutierrez drew a handgun and confronted his cousin shouting, we're family, we're family.

32:11How could you do this to me? Gutierrez allegedly shot him several times. So look what you made me do. Oh, come on, we're family. We're in the left. Oh my God. Look at us. Look what we think of. This is right arm. What are we doing? This is not how family acts boom right in the thigh. Yeah. It's like a couple of cousins down in Kentucky going at it in the shed behind the house going, look what we're family. Look what you made me do with them big old titties. And I got to say the only thing worse than a night in jail is a night in jail when you have diarrhea from your cousin's enchiladas. That was a long one. Maybe, maybe you'll even be left alone. Maybe that's like, maybe that is a strategy. Oh, that's the key. Just of the dirtiest A hole in the whole clank, you know.

33:13Yeah, I would just start on the way to, on the way to the jail, I'd start scarfing down some of that iceberg lettuce from, from Ralph's. Yeah, the cilantro. This does sound like a closet in murder, not an open murder. These two guys having dinner together. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Yeah. My cousin just texted me yesterday and it was so great because I'm not in touch with him that much and where this exact same age grew up together and super great guy. And we just texted back and forth yesterday for a while and I, you know, I got to say my cousins, I'm still really close to almost all of them. I got super lucky with cut and I have a lot of them. I have, I have like 19 or 20 cousins. They're all on your mom's side, isn't that true? Oh, you're freezing. Oh, man. They're all on there. Every single one of them. I don't have, they're, I've never met a fits, the only fits Simmons I ever met

34:17in my life was my father's brother who died childless. So Owen owns the family name at this point. Wow. He's the only fits Simmons left that can pass on the name. All right. Yeah. I know your mom. There's time. White House website. Now has a computer game. I, I really thought this was a joke and I was really hoping it was a joke and I believe it's not a joke. The White House website now has computer games where users arrest immigrants. The White House official website has launched a portal of politically themed games in which players can detain and shut out migrants. A series of five games have been uploaded onto a new arcade in the Trump administration's latest chilling method to trivial trivialize and popularize the president's political priorities. Players can keep immigrants out in build the wall, a knockoff version of the game Tetris

35:21in which the objective is to sort falling pieces into a pile. The new Trump version features green and orange alien light characters which approach the grid in a zombie border siege. That's in quotes. Renamed the Southern border in a bid to penetrate it. Okay. There's another game. A game called the A-RUN. Where a game is attached with arresting migrants in a snake style game in which asylum seekers attempting to cross to the at the Rio Grande must be stopped from escaping. When a player catches a migrant, they throw them around in an orange jumpsuit in a growing line. Another bizarre game entitled Supply Line. This is nuts. Involves players sorting between healthy and unhealthy school lunches on a continuous conveyor belt to make America healthy again. There's also a mini game entitled Flappy Bill in which players attempt to fly a bald eagle

36:24down the national mall while avoiding obstacles. Those games sound fine. A White House official told CNN the arcade was about contrasting the culture of fun and winning and the dark socialist vision Democrats have for America. There you have it is dark. How about this? How about a game? How about like a Pac-Man game where an orange blob chases crypto coin and swaps them out with digital pardons? I like that one. How about an island where you save children from politicians and billionaires? I like a game with an island where you, yeah, you really are a hero saving children from predators and you get a list and then you can go hunt down the names on the list. That would be a good game.

37:27But it's very hard to hunt them down because the game redacts the actual names and it only lists the victim's names. How about a game where you defend national parks from billionaires buying big parts of it? So you set up walls. That's good. You get a lot of arms and you fight back. That's a good one. All right, we could we could do this all day. We sure could. A candidate. A candidate for the Missouri State House is accused of trying to plant cocaine and adderol on a political rival. First of all, do you have to plant adderol on anybody at this point? I mean, isn't adderol just like a cup of coffee for America? I know. Thomas Christopher Ross is charged with one kind of conspiracy to distribute a controlled substance after the person who authorities say he asked to plant the drugs.

38:28Contact to the authorities. He tried to plant them on his opponent, Louise Sekker last month. The former campaign manager gave local police a black nylon glove that Ross is alleged to have provided in June. The glove contained a small bag of cocaine and adderol. Doppler reached out to the FBI told authorities that he wanted them planted in Sekker's car or purse while she was on vacation in South Carolina. In a series of texts alleged to have been sent to the campaign manager while he offered the campaign manager luck getting the substance of the matter sorted this week and later said any luck with the substance of matter. I won't be gone much longer. I just love how clever he is like substance of the matter. Juris will never connect that to controlled substance. Did you put the Coca-Cola on the other candy dates?

39:35Getting the substance of the matter snorted this week. That's what he meant. I think it's a time. Oh my God. Why would she go on vacation without her cocaine? It makes no sense. The timing is horrible. Yeah. I don't know if politicians are getting up to these days, but I miss the old days where Gary Hart would get an eight ball and Donna. What was her name? Who is it? Who is the girl yet on his boat? Donna. No. What was it, Donna? I forget. But wait, do you know? Do you know that was like a... I think someone told me that was all planned. You didn't even want to take a photo. There was something like that. I'm not saying that I was so clean. But that picture was orchestrated, I think. Ah. Yeah. Because the girl, um, wait, Gary Hart, Donna.

40:36She ended up becoming really big on the Howard Stern show. Yeah, Donna Rice. You're right. Yeah, I was right. She ended up coming on Howard Stern show a lot and she kind of blew up. Oh, wow. All right. Yeah. Um, all right. Let's get to the ethical question. Um, let's do it. It's your turn. It's my, well, it's your turn really. It's my turn to ask questions, but you're in the hot seat. Oh, right. Let's see what kind of morality you have in your beautiful New England atmosphere. So here's one. You got a boss. Let's say, let's say you've got a boss. You're the head writer. You're the head writer on a, on a network sitcom. You're making a lot of money. And then there is a studio boss who's a dude and he is sexually harassing you. He can't, he closed the door in your office. He puts his hand on your leg.

41:36He gives you back rubs. He tries to kiss you. And then you, is it ethical for you to then black, blackmail him into keeping your job. And maybe not even getting a raise just, just keeping your job and not giving you notes on episodes that you don't want to take. So this is fascinating. I imagine you made this up. Yeah. So Greg's ethical question is, is blackmail ethical? Well, if he's committing a crime in the first place, aren't you just answering with another crime? And that's ethical. Well that's the question put to you, Mike Gibbons. So wait a minute. He's not getting what he, I assume I'm not blowing the guy. Can I assume that? If I said no, but you're, you're very uncomfortable with the advances that he's making and he's not

42:43taking no for an answer and it seems to be increasing. So I have proof obviously I somehow recorded him or I'm able to prove these advances happened. Yes. Yes. You have audio recordings. Yeah. So no, listen, of course it's not ethical to answer the question, but it does, I guess, get interesting. I mean, now I'm as, you know, I'm down and I'm down in the mud with this guy though, ethically and morally, but I would hope, and physically, I would hope that I would ask for more if I have the goods on them and I'm going to go that way, right? I bet would you? No, what I'm saying is as long as I'm going to do this, I'm just what preserving my job, which really seems like it would only be really jeopardized.

43:50I mean, if I'm doing a good job and everything, it would only be jeopardized because now I've brushed back as advances. This has happened to women a bazillion times and now though it's uncomfortable to have me around and I've also rejected them. So there's some retaliatory nature to it. So he would let me go. So I'm protecting against that. So it seems like I've gained nothing. All I'm doing is saying, hey, you can't retaliate against me for turning you down. Now, look, the head of the studio is always going to give you notes that are bad. It's your shell and their notes are hurting the shell and you start to say, you don't give me notes anymore and I don't let people know that you've been sexually harassing me. That would be a great story. Imagine that. You know, I heard a story this week that twin peaks, people really criticize season two and then I guess there was a third kind of one at which it was a different type of

44:50show. But anyway, and it turned out that the network forced David Lynch and I should know the other name and I'm sorry. David Lynch and the other creator of it, they forced them to reveal who killed Laura Palmer and it undid everything they wanted to do, everything they wanted to plan. David Lynch. David Lynch distanced himself from the production was way more and so did the other guy. The other guy even like created another show. I heard that and I never knew that. Damn. Yeah. Wow. Imagine that executive or executives. They're still walking around out there knowing what they know now that they are there. The right example of what like what is wrong with Hollywood TV. Yeah. Yeah. So much to write a book about all those instances.

45:51So anyway, yeah. Here's the second one I'll give you. You are. So you're a girl you grew up in Long Island. You have a big nose and in your sweet 16 and as a lot of girls from Long Island get on their sweet 16, she gets a nose job. She goes through her life. She meets a very nice guy. She's 30 now. They settle down. He proposes at any point that she have an obligation to tell him that she had a nose job. I think when they're about to procreate maybe I mean not really obligations is strong word. But I think when it's like where did that come from? I mean, I think she should own up to it. I think. And she do you think maybe she has how she should do it.

46:53This is how she should do it. She should deliver it while she tells the guy she also had three abortions in Ron Concoma. Yeah. Yeah. Not only do we get rid of the bridge of my nose, we got rid of the fruit of my loin. Yeah. We lost a few noses a while. So I think Kylie Jenner has a long talk coming up with Timothy Shamolay. I love when you say Shamolay. All right, entertainment. All right, let's get. Let's skip that and get right down to make America Florida. All right, Florida man arrested for indecent exposure says he was filming only fans content. For in St. Pete, Florida man was arrested up for a witness that he exposed himself in a park. The man later claimed he was filming content for only fans and arrest off a David shows

47:53the incident happened Saturday afternoon. Witness saw the. You left out the name of the town. It's it was in Penelas County Sheriff's Office, which is an anagram for penis. Penelas. See that. God. Yeah. It's like loop and loopiness loop. And Ella. Yeah. A witness reported seeing the suspect who's 40 at a pavilion masturbating with his penis outside of his pants. One approach by the witness. He reportedly apologized and waited for law enforcement to arrive. He admitted to having his generals exposed and said he was only he was making content, you know, for only fans. So this reminded me. I don't know if it was Roguel. Is that the comedian's name in New York? Greg Roguel. Roguel. I don't want to give him credit, but I want to say that I can't remember the comedian, but some comedian had a bit, which is pornography is legal, including making pornography.

48:57Let's say you're in the San Fernando Valley in California. Prostitution, however, is illegal. So if the police ever come in and you're with a prostitute, you just have to yell cut and and then have a camera on a tripod in the room and then yell at the police for blowing your expensive shop. That sounds roguelish. I like that. It's kind of it is a clever way. Like in this guy is kind of doing that. Well, I don't think you can shoot porn at a pavilion in the park, but I think he, yeah, it is only fans and it is Florida. So this guy, I'm guessing he had on flip flops. He could have easily just videotaped his feet. I don't need. I don't think the penis had to be out. I think Florida should apologize. Was he apologizing to his? Yeah.

49:58Yeah. Was he apologizing to his penis or to the girl who saw it? I think to all his fans. Oh, wait, and only if it doesn't say yeah. Yeah. Huh. All right. We're going to make a lot of it about Florida again. Yeah, there we go. We're working through our little audio delay here. Florida man arrested for smashing up Arby's weeks after leaving prison for hunting swans for food. A deranged Florida man was busted for smashing up in Arby's with a metal pipe. Less than a month after getting out of prison for killing a helpless swan. By the way, swans are not helpless because he was hungry. This 34-year-old guy was released last month after serving just under a year. What? In Florida, he served almost a year for killing a swan. Anyway, then he went to the Arby's in Orlando.

50:59That must be a real treat. He had told a horrified witness who confronted him that he killed the bird for my food. He then said as he was being cuffed by cops, I was hungry, so I hunted. Anyway, at the Arby's, he was arrested this time for smashing the window, terrifying a female employee before he marched next door to a bash, a Dunkin' Donuts sign. This guy, I think if he can't get his game naturally, he resents chains. That's what's going on here. That's so food. Yeah, well, you know, look, after Arby's, you want to go get a cup of coffee. You know, this is a, you know, a deranged Florida. But I think this guy, how is it that in our society, we have gone from being hunter-gatherers to not being allowed to hunt. The guy is hungry. The bird is game.

51:59You're in Florida. How is that a crime? I like on a serious level. How is it that homeless person can't kill food for himself? The bird is game. You make it sound like the bird's into it. Yeah, the bird's game. The bird was game, your honor. It's, you know, maybe it's because it was a swan. And it used to be an ugly duckling and it had come so far. Yeah, yeah. So, are we doing sports? All right, let's, now let's get down to this day in history. Oh, man, you're putting me on the spot. Okay, it's a good one. I think I glanced at it. I was in a pool. Well, you said, you said you wanted a short, you said you wanted a short show today and our audio is so fucked up. There's so much freezing going on. I apologize to the listeners. It might be me because normally I see you freeze.

53:01So I don't know, but we apologized to everybody. But here we go. You ready, Greg? Give or take 50 years. When was Los Angeles founded? Spanish settlers laid claim to what became Los Angeles. Now the second most populous US city, what year give or take 50 years? Well, I know California became a state in the 1800s, mid 1800s because it was the gold rush. And the Spanish were already here. So it was before that. I'm going to go back, I'm going to go way back. I'm going to go 15, 25, 17, 81. I should have stuck with my original logic. Yes, something happened along the way. I gave you 50 years. Beyonce, give or take four years. She was born on this day in what year?

54:06I would guess Beyonce is younger than me. She's got kids that are now like 20. So she probably had them when she was 35. So she's probably 55. I'm going to say she was born in 1976. Nope, you didn't get it even with the four years. You think Beyonce is 55? Well, she's got like 20 year old kids, right? Did she have them that young? She was born in 1981. How many years did you give me? Four years. All right, that was five. All right. Joe, give her a give her take three years. When did Joan Rivers die?

55:08When did she die? I did an episode of her TV show in bed with Joan, where I actually got into bed with Joan Rivers and she interviewed me. And that would have been going back a good 12 years. So I'm going to say she died in 2017. How many years did I give you? I think I gave you three. I think I gave you three years. If so, you're right. 2014. I might have given you two. You're right. You're I'm giving you that one. Oh, I heard this guy's cameraman interviewed. And he went step by step. What happened with the stingray? But give her take five years. And did Steve Irwin die from a venomous bull stingray?

56:16Well, Norm McDonald famously made the joke on the daily show about it soon after it happened. John Stewart was the host. So I would say that was a good 12 years ago. So let's say, 2020 2014. Nope 2006. No. Yeah. Wow. You know, the cameraman kind of, I mean, seemed to me to implicate himself. He kind of talked about them. They interacted with the stingray. And the stingray settled on the ground. Did you ever hear this interview? Now or details. Okay. So the stingray then settled, which is like it goes on the surface, it goes on the sand.

57:17And it kind of like semi buries itself, right? And it's just very placid then. So he had said to Steve, okay, what we'll do is now we'll get the first shot. And you know, everything we just shot will be, you know, come after. So the first shot, why don't you come up behind the stingray, just like float in and come in like over it already. That sounds so troublesome to me, but that's what they did. So Steve then gets behind the stingray. The cameraman's in front and they're down like and Steve's few feet above the stingray. And Steve swims and then comes to a stop and hovers above the stingray. Steve with his stupid childish grin, right? And his big eyes, regardless, he stops there. The stingray, according to the guy, must have thought he was a tiger shark and freaked and immediately violently, the tail went up and it started jabbing like crazy.

58:23And there was like the camera couldn't see anything. There was sand everywhere, commotion. And then he was bleeding like crazy and they got him in the boat and he he talked to him and he actually told the camera man. He's like, I'm dying. And they were like rush for help and all this. Yeah. Oh, God. So it's, did you get stung by a stingray? Huh? Have you ever been stung by a stingray? It happened out on the beach. I think you guys have. I think, oh, and definitely as in the guy just said to me, oh, and definitely as either do you live close because all the lifeguards have hot water that they bring around. And I go, yeah, I live right over there and he goes, if you can make it back there and I did, I just hobbled. He goes, the key is using hotter water than we have. You want to put your foot wherever the, wherever the sting is in the hottest water you can tolerate, which will break up the enzymes or whatever it is of the poison and hopefully

59:26expel it also out of the wound. So that's what I did and it kind of worked. Yeah, Owen's got infected and he, he hobbled around for like 10 days and then he finally went in and they had to, they had to remove a doctor had to cut him open and remove this stinger was in there. Oh, that's horrible. Yeah. So I really want to go in the ocean right now because it's like, you know, 75, 80 degrees, but that's when the stingrays come in and they, they come in shallow. So here's advice. First of all, of course, you know all about the stuff, the stingray shuffle. Not as good as the Chicago bear shuffle, but the stingray shuffle, but the other thing I do, little cheat code, go to where all the kids are. You do that anyway at the beach because they're invading suits. But go to where the, the sand's already been kicked up like crazy and they've been annoyed out of the area. Oh, I like that.

1:00:27That's good. It is. That's like always walk down the street in a bad neighborhood near old ladies because they're, they're, they're fodder. They're going first. They can't run as fast as you. I get that. That's very smart. I like it. All right. Let's get to the obituaries. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, we'll get to Gloria Steinem in one sec, but I saw a headline today, Cassandra Wilson. She was a Grammy-winning jazz vocalist and she died at 70. So that was a weird one for me because I went to jazz fast. I used to go there a lot. I probably went to five of them or something. And I remember once you're walking around, you're on drugs, there's two main stages. It's out of horse track. There's two main stages that either ends of the horse track. And then in between. This is the New Orleans Jazz Festival? Yeah, New Orleans Jazz Festival. And so jazz-inherited festival. So anyway, and then there's a lot of tents and stages in between and food in the infield.

1:01:31And it's a very, very big, big infield. So there's a gospel tent, all that. So I remember once just on drugs walking alone, I like, I separated from my, maybe they were watching like Dave Matthews or something very popular was on one end. So I'm like, I'm not going to watch Dave Matthews here. So I walk alone into the jazz tent and I had to do one of those things where it's like, is this cosmon drugs or is she this good? And I basically then turned a guy really enjoying it next to me. I'm like, she's something else. And he's like, oh, do you not know about her? And she was really new. And boy, the New York Times fucking adored her. And it was Cassandra Wilson. So this felt so weird to me. And I knew she couldn't have been that old. She was older than us by 10 years. But it's like, oh man, what happened? You know, that was up on me out. Okay.

1:02:32Yeah. Oh, good response. Anyway, moving on to Gloria Steinem at the ripe old age of 92 trailblazing journalist and activist starting in the 60s at a time when women were largely limited to domestic roles. Steinem changed gender stereotypes and champion feminist ideals like a quality sister heard. And especially I would say reproductive freedom in doing so she inspired generations of women to do the same. Today, she's the household name that is synonymous with the women's rights movement. I think I told you guys on the text chain my experience. We were not supposed to win an Emmy for Carpoh karaoke. The year we were nominated was a prime time special. It's a prime time Emmy. We were up against Beyonce's lemonade like music film. And so anyway, so we just get drunk. And where are there at the Emmys to have a good time?

1:03:32No one's prepared a speech. No one's done anything we are losing. We win. And the presenters who announced that we won were RuPaul and Gloria Steinem. And so we all are shocked. We stumble. We don't even have good seats. We get out. We walk down the aisle. We get up on stage. And all of them like, you know, my co-workers go to the microphone. I walk straight up to Gloria Steinem. All the applause is still going on and music is playing. And I just tell her I grew up in an apartment with a single mom in the 70s. And her magazine was everywhere. And that she just met the world to my mom. And I also grew up so influenced by that and by feminism in the 70s. And I just really, despite this setting, I just really needed to tell you that. And she thanked me graciously.

1:04:32And then it became awkward not only did the music stop and the speeches behind me were about to start. But I realize I'm in a huddle with she and RuPaul. And RuPaul is just staring at me. So I just tap RuPaul on the shoulder. I go, and you're great too. And then, and then walk up. To where we're. Yeah, that's hilarious. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's like, thank you. Well, I mean, the thing that was amazing about her was that she was not what you'd picture as your typical feminist icon. You know, she was gorgeous. She was brawless. She was outspoken. She was eloquent. She didn't back down from fights with men. Whether it was Bobby Riggs or any of these like, he's talk show. She go on at night. She was great. She always won. She was, you know what it was? You could just tell how goddamn smart she was.

1:05:34She just also had a very, I mean, you went to sexy and brawless. She also just had an incredibly intelligent face. And then you would see her debate or you'd see her articulate her points, which it's shocking to think how foreign they were at the time. I mean, obviously there were a lot of women writing about it and doing it at the same time, but it was new generally, a new way of thinking and she was really good at it. And she started her career. Do you know how she started her career? She couldn't get, women did not get good stories. And she was a writer, you know, a journalist. So she went undercover at the Playboy Club as a bunny. And she wrote about all of the, you know, because he, after he would always claim that it was an empowering place for women. And then she went and talked about how ripped off they got and how disgusting the men treated

1:06:37them. And she won a big award for it. And it kind of, it gave her such a big name that she was able to start her own magazine. The pictures didn't hurt either. Hey, now, all right, let's get, let's cheer up. Let's cheer up right now. All right, why don't you do a crinkle, great. Go to the funny. All right, so every week with play the captions, the comedy caption's contest. Jesus, come on, great, get it together. The flood will fix itself in your yard. So last week's contest is there's a little kid robot. He walks into the bedroom of his parents who are laying there in the dark and the kid says, what? You gave us some punch lines. We picked the best ones. We read them now. The winner will get a prize to be determined later right now. It's for the love of the sport. So Sean's submission is mom, dad, can I please stay up and watch batteries not included? Okay.

1:07:38Yeah. Yeah. Yes, mom says mom, why did you at why are you asking dad to ram you capital R.A.M. Yeah, little computer terminology. Sure. Big stew said mom, dad, am I refurbished? No, it says refurnished. Is that a typo? Oh, I think he meant refurbished. I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt because I think that's a that's a good one. Kenny Angle said sorry, but I used the last of the WD 40. And who's saying that to whom that would help? Sorry son. Maybe that was my yeah, that was my problem with that joke. Yeah. Yeah, it's it's flawed. And then Cameron said, honey, can't you see your father sleeping?

1:08:39He had a long day at the data center taking jobs away from humans. That nice little jab nice lefty Cameron, you're fucking lefty. And then finally film a crack and says, hey mom, where's the robot repair man? Oh, good reading a lot. Good reading a lot. That's what it says in a lot of accounts. I don't think the son would ever be looking for the repair man is my thing with that. I like refurbished. You know, we had a spell it correctly from big stew. Big stew, congratulations. You're the winner of this week's comedy caption contest. Had on the back. All right, let's get to the next week is an egg sitting in therapy with a female therapist. He's a giant egg. They're both sitting in arm chairs facing each other. He's speaking and egg in therapy.

1:09:39Go. How about this everybody skip the he's get to the pros hack. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let's take that off the table. And and don't say anything about making a yoke about this cartoon. And then we've got Haggar and Lucky. They're sitting at the blue spot club at a table with a couple of drinks and off camera or off frame. You hear you can say my voice is awful or my songs are too risque and Haggar goes, wow, I've never seen or heard a singer like her. And the next frame we see that it's is that Betty Boop is that who that cartoon character is. Yeah, it's Betty Boop and she goes, oh, but don't take my boop, boop a doop away. And then Lucky goes, she's ahead of her time with little hearts coming across his head.

1:10:42And also over playing with playing with as a woman in medieval days wearing a micro short dress. Do you want to be doing risk a songs? Isn't just being in the room with these animals risque enough. Yeah, Betty Boop's like, couldn't you have sent me to the future? Right. Yeah. All right, the lock horns. We've got Leroy is leaning against the bar at a party. He's speaking to a guy's he's pontificating his finger is in the air. And Loretta says to her friend, Leroy thinks he's deep, but he's actually wide. Not their best. I really like the drawing though. Not their best. Yeah, good drawing. Are you want some money? And then you got an onion? Yeah. Man, man, do I got some onions? Oh boy, where'd they go?

1:11:42Oh, I like them. So hold on, let me find them that way. Here we go. Here we go. We got Gloria Steinem a picture heard a microphone and it's her obituary headline in the onion. Gloria Steinem researcher who discovered existence of women dead at 92. It's kind of funny. It's good. And then I'm doing another kind of a not really tell them now really with this delay and everything. But here we go. Another feminist related or about women anyway. A onion have on you see a female camper on the trail with a down jacket in a backpack and it says, women's, woman's solo hiking trip shockingly doesn't have to do with inner journey or anything. I like that one. I was thinking about that with women about how, I mean, not to be one of those comics

1:12:47that goes men and women are different, but I really do think women need there to be hearts. They need there to be a journey. They need to have a job that has heart to it. And men just grind. They just need to get it done and they can get shitty things done. I'm seeing Mike. I agree with you. I'm seeing my connection. Can you hear me? Yeah. This is it. Yes, just bear it. It's my, it's my, it's my, it's my worst podcast ever. If you made it, if you made it this far, folks, we, we, we award you a, a cozy. All right. Let's get to blondeie and dad. What he's sitting on the chair. She is, she's got on a white tank top and a mauve skirt. And she says, you always seem to eat more when you watch cooking shows and he goes, I

1:13:47can't help it. Watching cooking shows always makes me hungry. It's the power of suggestion. And she goes, really? And then she goes, maybe you should watch more home improvement shows, dear. Oh, no. No, I think we need, I think we know what he needs to be watching. Only fans. Yeah. The Florida guy in the gazebo. Yeah. Right. All right. Let's wrap it out. Thank you guys for listening, watching whatever it is that you do. Don't forget to support our sponsors, Zach, Doc, and Surfshark. Links to all that stuff is in the bio. And I guess we'll talk to you guys later. Yeah. I mean, our internet took a dish. So everybody, you take a dish. Happy Labor Day. Happy Labor Day. Take a dish. All right, bye-bye.

1:15:38You're only hearing this because they need a song.