Suffering and Human Transformation

0:00One of the things that causes a suffering from Jung's perspective is that we're not paying attention to what goes on in the soul. So I'll just give you one brief example. Going back to Victor Franco, whom we said extensively in the past year, Victor Franco says, you know, along with Freud and Victor Franco was a psychiatrist. We have the drive to life. I would say we have a drive. This is thinly on the Franco. We have a drive to live. We have a drive to control. We have a drive to be free. I think we actually have a drive to love and be long. And Franco says we also have a drive. This might not be universal for spirit, for meaning, for soul, for some people it means listening to music. Other people it means the realm of art in its various forms.

1:05And for many people it's the drive to have some relationship with the mystery, the divine God, however you want to call it. And if we don't live our lives with that drive, something is absent. So what Jung would call the world of the gods in the soul, I think Franco might call the drives. And if you don't allow the drive expression, then we suffer. So the normal drives of food, shelter, sex and so forth, those drives get extinguished as it were once the drive is met. Once you've eaten, hopefully you stop eating after a while. Once you have shelter, stay in your shelter. This of course extinguishes itself. He says but the drive for spirit never extinguishes itself. Another way of saying it is, we can never have too much of the good. The good does not extinguish itself. The good you might say, asks us to continue a life of goodness.

2:07So when I think of the fire, I think that is the life of goodness, widely speaking. And then more specifically, if we think about that the Nair Adonai Nishmat Adam, the human soul is the lamp or fire of God, that's something we always have to stay connected to. All right, if I'm going to now take the spotlight off of me and hold on. Yoshi usually does all of this. Wait a second. Remove spotlight. There we go. Does anybody have an interpretation that they would like to offer? Joy, let's hear you first and then Malachi and then Jojo. Hey, Joy. Thank you for your eloquent introspection of this. I went to one cell of place, which was, you know, a lot of life is about, do you have enough?

3:10Do you have enough warmth? Do you have enough heat and the rest of it? And then what I see in here is that it's not about adding things in. It's really about what you've removed that really provides the warmth and the light from the fire. That's beautiful. So if we have, if we have too many logs, right, you might say life is too full of the stuff. And as the poem says, we have to have that, that right balance. Okay. That's beautiful. Thank you. So, you're still there? Yeah. Yeah, please. Yeah, I really like this poem. And I like the foregrounding of the space in between had to think of Heidegger and his idea of clearing that there's a clearing that precedes revelation. And we need to come upon this, this clearing to have our sensibility awakened to what's

4:11new and what's novel and what's coming. So the space in between is really what I gravitated towards on this. So. Yeah, I think that's a theme we've talked about before that the music is between the notes. You just can't have constant notes. We have to have something, some space between for music to be made. So, all right, that takes us back to one of one of our themes that we talked about. You were probably there, Malachi, is the idea of creating space. In fact, I think Frankl says something I talk about with virtue. You don't say everything you feel. You don't say everything you think. And you have to pause, create a space, set yourself and then speak. And Frankl says, I think brilliantly, free will is contained in the space. So if we willfully create a space, then we can decide how, how, when, why, where we say what's happening inside of us.

5:11All right, Jojo. Hi. You took the words out of my mouth almost. Oh, okay. Well, I'll put them back in so you can talk. Yes. You, what I was thinking is that we need to, for me, it said that we need to get rid of the busyness, the mischegas because that puts out our flame, our passion, our purpose, and we need to pay attention more to the silence and the prayer and be still. And then I was thinking about music to some musician and I was thinking about the, you know, the rest and the music. It's not when you're on the beat. You know, it's the space in between the beat, the rest and the silence. And same with an artist, you know, when you need a blank slate. And it's not what you put on this slate. It's what is in the blankness almost, you know, in all of us. So yeah, well, thank you.

6:12Thank you. I think we're more or less in the same zone on the poem, but it's great for me to hear the different ways people are saying it. Let's see, Roland, do you have a thought for us? Yes. The poem doesn't use the word oxygen. The poem comes from oxygen. If you put too much wood in it, there's no space for the oxygen to combust. That's the way I see it. And hey, Shane, great to see you. You have a thought for us? Unmute first, please. Oh, yeah. Yeah, good to be here. So I was thinking about Frankl and I was thinking about Freud and Jung. And I think I don't know if it's Otto Rank who talks about the will to power. Is that him or am I thinking the Alfred Adler? But it could be out of the way. Yes, Adler is the one who talks about will to power. Freud talks about the will to sex or the driver's sex.

7:13But I think those are both valid drives, but they're not, they're circumstantial. They're dependent entirely on what's going on in that moment, whereas as you alluded to with Frankl, the drive for meaning, the drive for spirit, that's non-circumstantial. That's omnipresent, that's always the case. And so I see this poem as, you know, Frankl talked about a lot about suffering. He experienced a lot of that in his own life. And I see kind of the logs and as being kind of a launching off point for development and well-being. And you kind of need that. And you need to be, I think we need to be mindful of that hardships and suffering.

8:14And as a source for our own development, because the flame, it's not just this. There, it's reaching up. Yes. And so there's a trajectory there, I think. Thank you for that. And that's, we're all moving toward my theme that I at least alluded to in my email, which is the large question, how do people change? And as I said in the email, as I've thought about all the things I've read and the poems I like the best and the songs that I like, I mean, for deliberate conscious change, not the natural kind of changes that we go through, but for deliberate conscious change, something has to motivate us to want to do that. Meaning why would people change if they were completely satisfied with where they were? Now, in my opinion, and this might be, you know, too imperialistic, I think all people need to change somewhat.

9:16So I've known people that were aggressive and thoughtless and didn't pause before they spoke and were bossy, telling people what to do, telling people who they are. Sometimes this happens in between spouses, parents and children, just even in friendships. Somebody decides that they know better than everybody. And you know, and people can tolerate it. But sometimes when it's an intimate relationship, let's say spouses, parents and children, it really causes suffering. So there have been times when children have chosen to distance themselves from the parent and the parents don't know what to do. One thing I say to them is, just between friends, I will say, are you bossy? I don't say it like that. That's the idea. Many parents feel they have so much wisdom to share with the child that they're always trying to tell the child what to do. Sometimes it comes from fear. If you don't do what I say, you will fail in life.

10:19Many parents as the kid grows up will not let the child fail. Of course, then the child can't grow. You know, when a kid is trying something out, doesn't do well, they have to fail. As I say to parents, let your child fail in high school. They're much less likely to crash in burn in college because they actually don't know how to deal with stress, success, you know, parents and kids. It's doing poorly in a class. A parent hires a tutor instead of the kid working out what they like and what they don't like and procrastination and so forth. So sometimes these children, after a point, they don't want the parent to continue to protect them from failure. Nor does the child want to be admonished if they do fail because failure suffering is one of the ways we grow in life. The constantly advising and admonishing parent can cause so much suffering in a child that

11:23the parent doesn't have a clue about. They think they're being a source of wisdom and goodness. And they only realize there's a problem when the child says, you're either you need to stop doing that or the child says, I don't want to talk to you anymore. You caused me too much suffering. This is one of the problems in between spouses too. Oftentimes when there's trouble in a marriage, I listen and oftentimes there's one person who wants to exert control and power because they know the right way to do things. Oftentimes the power oriented person, the control oriented person. And by the way, I should say parenthetically, the person who can manage this, it's not a bad thing. Many times relationships needs someone who's the CEO, someone who pushes things forward. But oftentimes you might say the control oriented person, the person who dominates, remember

12:23in moderation is absolutely essential and it's not bad. They oftentimes link up with a freedom oriented person. They don't want to control the other person. They just don't want to be controlled. So the freedom person says, don't tell me what to do. And the control person says, well, if I don't tell you what to do, you're not doing the right thing. That's pretty close to the worst case scenario. And sometimes the freedom oriented person just checks out. They don't listen anymore. They don't want intimacy. They figure out some way to live. Sometimes they turn to another person and sometimes they just check out. And I remember when very painful counseling where there's a couple in their 70s and the guy was just checked out. And his wife just didn't understand it. I mean, she says he makes mistakes and he talks too much and he talks too little and then he's too friendly with the company down the hall.

13:25And he says, everything I say, she refutes me. Everything I want to, she said, no, that's wrong, that's wrong. She said, no, I don't, I don't say that. I went, wow, I said, do you realize what you just did? He offered a thought and you immediately refuted him. You could just give some space. Think about it. Maybe you do keep telling him what to do. And I said to her, I'm not saying your advice isn't good, but is it always necessary? Maybe he is being too friendly with the company down the hall. But what's the worst thing that could happen? And so oftentimes when I counseled people, parents and children and spouses, one thing that it comes down to is one person is suffering. The other person is not suffering until the other person checks out. Then the, I'll say the control oriented person really suffers because they lose intimacy.

14:29They lose closeness because one person says, I can't stand this anymore. So, I'll, I'll extend this, this example a little bit more. The freedom oriented person oftentimes gets triggered and gets angry. Would you please stop? Don't do this anymore. And they typically don't like being angry. And sometimes people feel physically ill inside when they get angry. And every time the other person steps over a boundary, their response is anger. It's a defensive kind of anger, which they typically try to defend, explain, make a case and the other person won't hear it. And then they blow up, not to control the other person, but just to make the other person stop. And this person comes to me and says, how can I make them stop? You can imagine what my next sentence is. Short of torture, there's very little ways we can make other people do or not do anything. So, if you're not going to go to torture or physical violence, you know, there's not a lot

15:33you can do to make somebody do something or not do something. You've probably heard me give this clip. Never try to persuade a resistant person to do, not do, realize, understand or be aware of anything. After three tried stopped, then the next thing you do is act with wisdom and make sure not to make things worse. So the person says, well, what do I do? I said, you can actually draw kind, clear firm boundaries. Yes, I hear you. And here's a golden line. Let me think about that. You might have something, there might be something in that. Can I just think about it? Oh, the other person says, well, think about it now. I train the person and say, I'll think about it later. Why not now? Because I'm going to think about it later. I think you're being avoided. You're being a little bit avoidant. So you see what I'm doing is feeding the person a script. Remember, when you feel stressed inside, don't talk.

16:34Don't talk. Oh, yeah, don't talk. Pause. Go to a script. Have a prepared script, which is, let me think about it. There's many other things. So instead of getting angry, you don't talk. Breathe, set yourself, go to a prepared script. And oftentimes these prepared scripts actually work to calm the other person down. You don't say, but I have an explanation. You say, well, there's some value in what you're saying. Let me think about it. Now, what this does is it creates less suffering, let's say, for the transgressed person, because they've created some space. Oftentimes, the controlling person, they have a rational side to them. And the idea of, let me think about it, it makes sense on some planet. And they say, OK, so think about it. Now, oftentimes, they let go. Why? They actually don't care about the thing.

17:36They care about controlling. So when their freedom person realizes that it's not about the thing, it's about another opportunity to control. Now, so the freedom person can master that, creates in space. And the next thing I say is to the freedom oriented person, part of your suffering is trying to please the other person. You think if you just say the right thing, they will stop. So that's why people, remember my bad Jedi, they just if I explain, defend, deny, try to get more information, and the aggressive person just doesn't stop. So in some ways, they're mesmerized by the anger control of their person. They just, they're focused on it. And sometimes what I say to people, in fact, I say this quite often. I think I read this in a book. So I believe it's Michelangelo. Did he paint the cysteine chapel?

18:36That's down the right. So he's on the scaffold, laying on his back. He has the pallet. And he's painting the ceiling of the cysteine chapel. And his spouse or child is down below saying, hey, you need to do this. And you didn't do that. You didn't take out the trash. You didn't change the oil. And he's painting the cysteine chapel goes, yeah, I'll take care of it. Thank you so much for reminding me. Soon as I get down, they don't start to argue with the person because they're painting their cysteine chapel. So using that metaphor, each of us should be painting our own cysteine chapel. You have to have something deep going on in your life that's so important that the annoyances of other people don't take center stage in your life. Now, so for a person who's mesmerized by the other person, to unmesmerize, to don't talk, breathe, go to a script, includes great suffering. How do I know that? So few people can do it.

19:41Now think about that. Why can't people not talk? Because not talking creates suffering. They say, but I have to talk. I have to say something. Rabbi, that requires a response. So even not talking, you might say, is a restraining of a drive. Oftentimes, the drive for fairness. They said something in fair. I have a drive to make my case. And to restrain a drive is hard for people. Now, when you think about all the drives, they get us into trouble, sometimes from the worst. And then to the, what you might say, kind of natural between people, restraining a drive causes suffering. There's an inner conflict inside. There's a drive to get out. And then there's, you might say, a spiritual or moral drive to restrain the drive.

20:41And there's a battle. This is the fight within. In Jewish spiritual psychology, I would say, it's a fight again, yet so hurrah. The destructive shape within us, that it says, no matter if I create conflict, no matter if I create more suffering, because oftentimes extended conflict does create suffering on both sides. No matter I have to say what I need to say or I have to do what I need to do. And then more suffering happens because they've lost the battle against a drive that maybe comes from a good place, meaning the drive for fairness, but ultimately creates conflict. So I oftentimes said to people, the drive for love and belonging and the drive for fairness are sometimes just incompatible. Meaning, if you want things to always be fair in a relationship and you want to have a relationship,

21:43that is a recipe for constant conflict. And people say, it shouldn't be that way. And I say, I didn't make the world, I'm not saying what things should be or don't, but it seems to be the way. And therefore, one has to restrain the drive for fairness, say they're the first person not being fair. You create some space, don't talk, read, go to a script and call things down. Now, here's what oftentimes happens with the freedom oriented person. Once they don't talk, read, go to a script, and they actually do think about what the other person says, and they say, well, there is actually some truth to that. I should have changed the oil in the car. Now, any other person's upset, anything to themselves, why didn't I? Honestly, now they're, they realize they have a drive to procrastination. If you've ever had a drive to procrastination, which I have had and everybody I know has, that causes real suffering. Fighting procrastination is a bitter battle within.

22:45So is the drive to restrain any kind of addictive or addictive like behavior, such as any kind of, overeating, over drinking, they're not really an alcoholic or a food addict, but they knew they do it too much. And then, you know, many people say, going on a diet is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. I can attest to that. When I was about 40, 45, some of you remember, I didn't change my diet. I got, you know, I was lifted weight, so I looked like a strong guy, but I was not doing well. I was really unhealthy. And when I decided, I said, wow, I'm in the fight for my life, really the fight for my life. And I talked to other people, of course, I counseled addicts and, you know, the drive to drink, the drive to smoke pot, the drive for drugs, the drive to steal. You know, when I would actually counsel people in his 12 step programs, there's a war inside the drive to engage in medicating

23:48once inner life stress is so powerful that it will destroy you. So now the question is, what drive can actually manage the addictive drives that will destroy us? That's a war. The desire to go sober, to not engage in an addiction. As I counseled addicts, you know, they said, it's so much easier just to drink and die young than to fight the urge to drink. And they say, I don't want to have this fight the rest of my life. I rather just drink myself to death. At least I'll enjoy, you know, my killing myself. And then sometimes I have to make an appeal to lurianic theology, which is, there are sparks to holiness and there are clip-puts, meaning that which covers the spark.

24:49And when you decide to give into the husk, I said, there's a holy spark within you that will never get expressed. The fire we talked about. And so what I try to do is have people meditate down into the holy spark, the holy fire, the drive to meaning and to rest inside of it and then realize that husk is causing great suffering and they want to medicate having the husk because the drive to meaning the fire just can't get out. And so the question we remember in lurianic psychology, especially a Hasidic psychology is break the husk. How do you break the husk? I said, that takes some real skill. Ruby Nothman said, there's a war inside and it requires will and skill. So all warriors have to have the will and the skill. And at some level, we are all spiritual warriors.

25:52So when a person is suffering, whether they're, or as I wrote in my email, or they realize they're causing others to suffer. And this is a very difficult area to address in counseling. Because the person who causes others suffering oftentimes says, but I'm right, they should do it my way. And I say, do you realize you're causing suffering in other person? And they oftentimes say, well, that's their problem. I'm saying something right. I'm saying something true. And if they don't do it, it's their problem. I respond, do you know that the definition of morality is don't cause a necessary harm? That sound about right. That's kind of with the foundation of being moral. Don't cause a necessary harm. So they said, I've never thought about it. I make a case. They say, yeah, that's about right. So the question is, are your words as your unsolicited advice,

26:54is the way you say it, does that call suffering in the other, whether they deserve it or not, whether there's too sensitive or not? Maybe they're too sensitive or maybe they're just sensitive enough. And so what I, what I try to orient a person toward is not whether they're right, but rather empathy, am I causing the other person suffering? Now oftentimes those who cause suffering are not empathetic. That's one of their core problems. I'm right. The person that I call suffering to, they just need to get with the program. So then, and this is difficult, the person who causes other suffering has to develop such a strong conscience, such deep empathy that they suffer when they realize they're causing another person to suffer. And that's difficult. You know, this is changing personality.

27:54So there's one theory that I agree with. Again, I could be wrong, but I agree with it. Insight is not sufficient to create change. So many people, when they go to therapy, it's about insight, but trying to remember the book, I just read it sitting right over here. The person says the only way to change, to transform is to focus on your character. Right? Character, what kind of person am I? Within the envelope of my personality, if I'm causing myself suffering, let's see through guilt, shame, victimhood, resentment, anger and so forth, that we're suffering, you might say, I'm the kind of person, this, by this I mean character, who angers at others and angers at myself. I'm the kind of person who procrastinates to the point

28:57that I call myself suffering. I'm the kind of person who has a surplus of guilt or shame. Now, when you say, I'm the kind of person, you're talking about your character. So what I'll remember the name in a moment, you have insight, yes, I have too much guilt, I have too much shame, I have too much anger, and where does it come from? It comes from my mother or my father. I modeled after this one, I modeled after that one, and then what's the trauma and they remember a trauma? And insight, insight, insight, insight, how do you change? Well, since the author agreed with, or I agreed with this person's approach, it takes an active will. If you think that continued insight will produce change, it'll take too long or it might just be wrong. So there's a will and the will to change your character just intrinsically causes suffering because using my terminology, you're changing a bad habit.

30:01And the change of habit is brain surgery. It's micro brain surgery. You need to change the circuitry of the brain. The mind can change the brain. The mind says, I don't like how you're operating. And the brain says, but I've always done it this way. And the mind says, not anymore. Well, there's a conflict between spirit and habit. And that is a very, very profound conflict. And in my work, I teach, my wisdom work is mostly about the skills for transformation. And sometimes I talk about the suffering, but that's gonna be my focus for tonight and probably the next few weeks, is the willingness to suffer for the aggressive person is developing a conscience so great, empathy so great, that you suffer when you're not being a good person. That's not easy. But the moment I can make a case for empathy

31:01and this sometimes takes a guided meditation, to feel the feelings of another person. Go so deep that you lose your righteousness, your sense of what people ought to do, which may be mostly right, but enter into the inner life of the other person and experience their pain. I think some people say, well, well, that's sympathy, whatever you wanna call it. Sympathy, empathy, but you can actually feel the feelings of the other person and then you come back into your own skin and you're shocked. You're shocked when you realize that you cause others to suffer. So it's a strong exercise in empathy. Now, try to imagine that you realize you cause others to suffer and you've been defended against it most of your life. But there's one day you say to yourself, I wanna be a better person.

32:02I wanna be a better person. And then you say, I have the will to be a better person in this area and I say, well, then you have to have the will to empathy where you go inside the life of another person and you can look out at you through their eyes and you can see that they might see you as a monster. They might see you as cruel. And when people can see themselves through the eyes of the person to whom they're causing suffering, it can be shocking to people. I'm really like that. And I say, well, you're not a monster, but you're for sure cause suffering. Well, that causes their own suffering. So when we cause others to suffer, the remedy is cause yourself to suffer. So you don't displace your inability to regulate

33:02onto another person that I can't regulate so they suffer. So then you say to yourself, well, I have to regulate and now we're back to the inner conflict, the drive to control versus the drive to be empathetic. And that's a conflict, it's a real deep conflict. So that's an example where the willingness to suffer an aggressive person is, in my mind, I don't know of another way they can change. Again, sure, sure from externally imposed suffering, is suffer the, the, the, the, the, the your empathy of another person. Now, so this idea of either intrinsic intuitive suffering versus willful suffering. I think there's, there's many ways that people who are just spiritually morally intuitive, they know they have to do this work. But there is some suffering.

34:03And then there's the person who says, I know I cause pain and suffering in others. As an act of will, I want to transform. So remember, Rocha Shana, you know, the word Shana means ear. Lishanot means to change something. Lihishanot means to change yourself. And the, the gerund, Hishtanot transformation from a chastrik perspective, that is the theme of Rocha Shana is human transformation. Hishtanot. And so therefore, if I look at the day of Hishtanot, and I think it's just amazing that the, the chastrik movement has made human transformation to the theme of a holy day. So this is where I think to myself, you know, the liturgy and the Torah readings, you know, excuse me, I'm not speaking as a rabbi attached to ritual. But there's, I know that there's a certain way that the liturgy and the Torah readings, all that just gets in the way.

35:05And there are many times I felt that leading high holiday services. Is it all this beautiful liturgy and the canters and the Torah readings and these wonderful drushes? I, you know, I always felt there's something in me that wishes we could just put all that aside, do that on your own time, arrive early and do your doveting. I just want to talk about the core thing here, which is Hishtanot, where it's where the nine o'clock study sessions came from back in the day, is I had a drive to say what this is all about, let's bottom line this thing, then have a service. So when I'm recommending there for all of this, as we move toward Rosh Hashanah, and again, I hope you all find a place to go and hear the shofar and hear the liturgy that you ask yourself, aside from all of that liturgy and all these beautiful prayers and the shofar and everything, you say to yourself, what is the meaning of this holiday? For me, from the Hasidic perspective,

36:05the meaning of the holiday is Hishtanut, transformation. Today, we're talking about imposed suffering, the suffering that you have to impose upon yourself because you're causing others to suffer. The next couple of weeks, we'll talk about how to manage internally, suffering from an internal drive, oftentimes anxiety, shame, guilt, et cetera, is internally, the affliction is an origin internally, and sometimes the origin of our suffering is external, and therefore what the suffering person has to do is cultivate the skills, not how to change what the other person does because they may never change. But rather, how one responds to externally imposed suffering,

37:05and it requires great will and great skill, but you can do it. So try to imagine this is where I love the Buddhist for Noble Truths. Life is suffering. Hold on a second, I'm forgetting the second one. Life is suffering. There's a way out. I'll just say three. Life is suffering. There's a way out, and here's the way. I'm missing one Noble Truth in the middle there, and the way is the eightfold path that we talked a little bit about when I taught the Tully, when the person is right seeing what is reality. And part of reality is don't try to persuade a resistant person. That's real. That person is as hard as a rock. You want to change the rock? Good luck with that. So then you have to say to yourself, if you're a other person really like, and if I can't change them, I have to change myself,

38:06even though they might be in the wrong, that's like a rock, you can't change them if they're resistant. So you have to change yourself, and therefore you have to change how you experience adversity, change how you experience the cause of suffering, and it can be done. And oftentimes the resistance is, but they need to stop. They're the origin of my suffering, and my response of course is a little bit, but the origin of your suffering might be that you don't have the skills to have it, to not take it all in. You just have to draw a kind clear firm boundaries and make space for yourself. And that's hard for some people to do. Now, the last kind of suffering I want to talk about is the suffering of the externally imposed suffering of things like aging, which I'm doing. I'm trying to do it courageously and so forth. I've had, I mean, if you've severe, I've had back problems and shoulder-to-their problems and heart disease,

39:07and sometimes when I'm starting to train in jujitsu again, and the guy said, so any disabilities, I said, well, I had extensive back surgery and I have a bad shoulder, and I have heart disease. He says, and you're doing jujitsu? I said, well, something I'm going to do. I have limitations. So I'm going to, you know, what did Clint Eastwood say, you know, you've got to know your limitations. I say, I know my limitations, but I still want to train. He's a very beautiful and decent man. He says, okay, I'll make sure I don't ask you to do things you can't do. Now, again, I'm trumpeting myself a little bit. I suffer. You know, when I go train, I'm 71 years old and I'm training with people who just got out of the army and they're big, above former paratroopers. And I don't want to say, don't go hard. I'm fragile. You know, it's my job to defend myself. And I walk out of there, broken. I mean, not really broken, but just exhausted

40:08and everything hurts. And I say, well, that's why God invented, I reprofen. And I say to myself, is it worth the suffering? I'm talking about fizzles, couple suffering. You know, I say, yes. However, as I age, I will have to face my own death. I will have to face, you know, growing disability and doing the things I love to do. And, you know, I have to create a self that will age gracefully. That will gracefully move into limited ability to do the things I love to do. And I think about it a lot. And I think I want to age gracefully with acceptance. And turn my attention elsewhere. And I'm preparing myself for it. So there are many of us here, who are at the age where we realize it's just going to continue. It's going to exacerbate. And we better get our minds around it. Does that cause suffering? Yeah, that's, that's, again, it's externally imposed.

41:09But I know I have some suffering ahead of me. And I have a will to do it gracefully. I've seen people with, you know, with, you know, bad diseases and they're dying, oftentimes cancer. And I visit people in the hospital and they realize they don't have a lot of time left. And sometimes the pain is excruciating. And they say, it's not fair. It's not right. You know, why am I going to die in the scoundrel over there doesn't? And I don't have an answer. And then I'm going to say, I don't have an answer. And then my basic counselor has been well there. We can choose the way we want to die. You can die angry. Or you can die in acceptance. You know, you can die resenting. Or one can die in grace. And I said, I don't have an answer why life is so unfair. That you're dying and that criminal over there is not.

42:09I don't have an answer. When you know it's inevitable and your life is short. And you're suffering terribly. But there's internal suffering. Because you're not dealing with the externally imposed suffering. In the way that you can reach some space for yourself. I said, I'm not saying it's moral or wrong. I just know in my mind, it's better. To live without resentment without anger in some kind of state of grace. This is where I want to share a story. I probably share three or four times a year. When Oratorra had just begun. A woman began to attend. She was in a wheelchair. She had an oxygen tank and a helper. And she was so thin that you could see, you know, the veins. And I, my mind, I called her the translucent woman. She came a few times. And her person rolled her into the, the lunchroom.

43:10This was at the junior high school where you step services. And she said, I need to talk to you. I said, okay, she says, I've listened to a few rabbis. And, you know, for some reason, I have a, I feel I have a connection with you. You're connected to the life of spirit. I said, thank you. She says, I need to tell you something. She said, I've not been a good person. I've been a little bit mean, manipulative. I'm trying to get my way in less than ideal ways. And she said, and then I got cancer. And I'm dying. And I realized I didn't love well. I said, I loved my husband and children. I said it. She said, but something happened to me as I've been facing my death. That I never loved well. And I want to die loving. I learned it too late. And she said to me, very seriously, I want you to tell everybody. I want you to tell everybody.

44:12Lead with love. Real love. To the point that you're not manipulative, you're not angry, you're not controlling. Because the soul of other people is present. She gave me a speech. And she said to me very seriously, I want you to tell people. I said, okay, I promise. I meant it. I promise. I said, I don't know if I can do it. I don't know. I mean, I was in my 40s. You know, I didn't. I didn't say, I don't know if I have enough wisdom to do it. I'll try. She says, I think you can. You just have to decide something like that. And she came a few more times than, and then she, you know, a family called me that she had died. And I go back to that moment. It isn't haunt me as much as it roots me. Whatever else I do with my life. I want to share what it means to lead with love and lead with grace and acceptance and not get angry and not be bossing and. Focus your life on, you know, external regulation and internal regulation.

45:14Now, she's not the only reason I teach these things. But somebody testified, you know, somebody was a witness to a life not lived well. And she said something extraordinary. She said, if it took me getting cancer to arrive at this, she said, it's worth it. And she said, but seriously, if I weren't dying of cancer, I would have never achieved the mind of lead with love. And she said, I don't know if I would have chosen cancer to learn this, but I've learned it. And if you looked at her eyes and looked at her spirit, there was so much meaning and love and a kind of a joy that she had discovered, you know, Eureka, I've discovered it. Lead with love, be truly loving. Don't just say I love you. Pack it with meaning and pack it with drive and pack it with the passion to be good.

46:17And I said, I swear, I swear, I will try to do that. And I will try to become that person. Over time, I think I've become more of that person. I have a drive. I can't say I always succeed, but the drive is there. So that's one thing I want to, I get say to all of you about suffering. We'll talk about internally produced suffering next time. But I want to appeal to those of us for that. For one reason or another, you cause others to suffer. This takes a lot of introspection. And sometimes the very vulnerable practice of asking other people, do I cause you to suffer? Do I say and do things that are unpleasant to you? Now, you're assuming that they're going to be kind and honest and gentle with you. They might not always be. And they might actually say some things that are not true.

47:18They're blaming you for things that are self-produced. That's okay. You can say to yourself, you can say, well, I'll think about that. You can say to yourself, that really is their personality. But a lot of things are my triggering their tendencies. And whether it's inner produced or not, I don't have to add on. I don't have to pile on to it. I can actually do some changing. So that's my appeal to you. Now, I'm going to end in a very, very good sound. Strange and random way. You know, or Toro had had its own band years ago. Our house band was called Willie Aaron and the Levites. Willie Aaron was the leader of the band. I was a very, a plugger bass player. But I did what he said. And I just wanted to play the root notes. And he says, he says too many bass players just are too active. He says, what I like about you, Finley, is you play bass so poorly that if you can hang on to the root note, you're doing great.

48:20I said, okay, you just teach me how the song works. And I will hit the root notes and a little bit of notes in between. So he taught me how to play bass. And then he said, after a few performances, then he hit in a real active bass. He says, now I want to teach you how songs work. Right? And he gave me instruction in music theory, which was just so eye opening to me, because we were playing rock and blues. And then he said, now I want to show to you how the Beatles change music. And then he showed up. And the chord progressives were a little bit different. And they threw in this chord where rock said, do this chord. And he began to show me why simple songs like she loves you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to hold your hand. And he's so addictive. Why it just appealed to the unconscious in ways that standard rock songs had lost their appeal. And it was so eye opening to me, this idea that music creates interstates, which I knew, but I hadn't thought about it.

49:27And both the composition and the arrangement and the way people play and they're excitement and their voices. That actually creates an interstate of us. And if we love the music, it creates joy within. And then I said, so, so, so why did they stop creating this wonderful like candy music, you know, that I love, by the way, I love listening and playing. So what happened to the Beatles? Another way to say is, how do they change? And he said to me, a lot of suffering. A lot of suffering. Playing concerts, they didn't like it anymore. They suffered and suffered until they said, we don't like this. We don't have to do it. And then they realized that there were songs within them, especially Lenin McCartney, but eventually Harrison too, that needed to be written. And that they didn't know how to listen to the muse.

50:27And get out of the way of the muse and actually go to a deeper place and they were such brilliant songwriters. They could actually go to extraordinarily deep places and write a music filled with suffering. So now my, my metaphor for the Beatles. You know, all the song she was just 17, you know what I mean? The way she looked was way beyond compare. So Lenin McCartney were mesmerized by this really 17 year old knockout. It's a really fun song to play and to listen to. And what was this 1964 or so. And then a few years later, I think it's mostly McCartney who wrote Eleanor Rigby. And talk about a sad song. A stark sad song.

51:29And what it would take somebody to go into themself so deeply that they could write Eleanor Rigby. And she was like, I don't know, I don't know. I died in the church along with her name. And I was telling you, the funeral nobody came. Brother McKenzie writing a sermon that nobody will hear. Nobody came near. And you know, I still tear out when I, every time it was the Eleanor Rigby. Might become Eleanor Rigby. That knockout. She might become Eleanor Rigby. And maybe inevitably maybe her parents will die and everybody will die. And she'll be Eleanor Rigby, you know, picking up the rice where the wedding had been. You know, she's a good soul. And she has to face to herself, I will die alone. I don't have anybody. I've lost all my friends.

52:30And how does Eleanor Rigby die alone? And I thought to myself. For them to, she was just 17. And now she's just 92. And I just, again, I might be wrong, but the amount of depth and suffering to write Eleanor Rigby. I think it had to be extraordinary because it causes me, it causes me to suffer. To the point that I, I cry when I listen to the song. And then I thought. Once we were all 17. But we weren't just 17. We were just 17. And on our ways to our death. So we're not just 17. We're all just going to die. So when I thought that thought I went to the piercay of vote, 210, Robert Elias. So, Robert, I just said three things. You know, there's one and there's two. And the third things like, he's like an electrical shock. He says, Shu, repent, return the day before your death.

53:33Now, it's in the mission. It's just stark. It's all it says that it moves on. If I'm not mistaken in the Talmud, his students say, but we don't know when we're going to die. And he says something like, exactly. Return, repent the day before your death. It might be today. You know, you should have done it yesterday. You know, you might die tomorrow. So since you don't know when it's all going to wrap up, it's finalized. The book's been written and sealed. Says you don't know what that day is. Start rewriting the book now. Right. And that's where I think about the suffering. And I thought, you know, ever since I read that when I was a young person and, and officiating it so many funerals. And preparing with the families before the, the, the funeral. And many people had very bitter things to say. And I was sometimes say, yeah, but this is not the day, day to tell everybody, but this is the time to start family healing.

54:35And then we go outside and, you know, I have at that point a little bit too much information. And I do the service and people say appropriate things and I look down at the cast. And I look at the dirt being put on top of the casket and I, I sometimes say just like this, I wish you could have heard what I just heard. And they probably did say it and you never got it. And now it's done. And the dirt's going to go on. And any opportunity to change is now gone. And, you know, I have this belief that when we die, we, we go through. Return to the source. All the debris that we collected during our life gets cleansed to us. And I thought the more Tashuma we do, while we're alive, the less debris has to be cleansed after we die. So if you want more of a straight path to the embrace of the divine, get rid of the debris now.

55:36And I don't only appeal like me because I believe that God is a gracious and loving God. And we're all going to return to God and some of us more quickly, some of us less quickly. But putting that aside, putting my theology aside, I look down into the grave. And I see the dirt and I think it's over. And you can't change anymore. And you can't help other people heal anymore. And I feel really sad. I feel sad as I felt when the translucent woman spoke to me. And I want to make this appeal to all of us. One day, it's going to be finalized. One day, there are the books done. The book of your life is done. And therefore, although life is, there's inevitable suffering. Not all of it is inevitable. The suffering you caused and the suffering you feel. So my first message tonight, as we go to Mount Mershashana, is reduce the suffering.

56:38I think this is also a Buddhist idea. I wrote an essay on this one, it's just learning Hebrew based on Buddhism. Reduce the suffering. So my exhortation to you all is look at your life internally with other people and reduce the suffering. Because there's going to be a day when you won't be able to reduce the suffering. You're going to die with what you did. And there are better ways and worse ways to die. And the better way to die is to make sure that at the funeral meeting where people are putting together eulogies. That you can actually control that meeting starting now. You want people to say imperfect person, but really worked. Or you want to say them and to say imperfect person who never worked. What do you want said about you? And we can start to change the eulogies now. All right, that's my hope is not too dour, but I think it's important.

57:41And that's my message for tonight. And I want to see if I have any. Thank you.