STOP OVERTHINKING YOUR MISTAKES IN CRNA SCHOOL AND ACTUALLY MOVE ON │ EP93

0:00Hey friends, it's Jules, your S-R-N-A Bestie, no to most of you ask grad school Jules on TikTok. I am back again with my second podcast with Atomic Inesija this week and I am so excited for today's topic because it is on none other than how to stop overthinking mistakes in CRNA school and actually move on. That's a crazy part, okay? So if you already are raising your hand in the background saying, me, pick me, I overthink everything, I can't stop thinking about that one thing I did last year on this day at this time and I've never been able to let it go. You need to listen to this specifically because in CRNA school mistakes are going to come more often than not. So it is a very powerful tool to be able to just stop taking yourself so seriously, laugh at yourself, and move on. So today I am going to walk you through this, give you a few

1:03examples so far out of my journey through CRNA school and trust me, there's been a lot. I'm only in semester four of nine and I have plenty, okay? The list goes on and on and then I'm also going to share with you some of my three top learning points that I have discovered, especially within this last semester, that have allowed me to really master the art of moving on, just that, moving on. So let's get into it, okay, and have some fun along the way. So let's just start with the fact that for someone like me, self-deprecation has always been a way of life per se. I have never had a problem calling myself out, making myself a joke, or being harder on myself than anyone else ever could be. And this is great in some ways because I think we can all understand that number one, this is a coping mechanism for some of us. Like I mentioned in my

2:05previous podcast, there are some situations that are so high stakes and you end up making mistake or feeling foolish. And if you don't laugh, you cry type of thing. So it's actually a just honestly a better energy release to me than going home and crying about it, whether that be a good or bad thing per se. But second of all, the thing here is if a lot of us who do take part in self-deprecation are very self-aware, but the thing is it can't just stop at that because if all you do self-deprecate and never actually reflect and move on, you're just going to stay stuck. You stay in that cycle of making a joke out of yourself, but not actually feeling any lighter. You just keep carrying it and honestly using it and weaponizing it to really tear yourself down in the moments that matter the most. And then like I said a second ago, today I'm actually going to give you the three things, help me stop overthinking every little mistake and really

3:08turning this cycle of just pure self-deprecation into self-reflection and actually growth. And I want to be really honest about something before I even get into it. This did not click for me right away. This has been a lifetime cycle here. I'm not even kidding. I did not figure this out in the beginning. I didn't have some magical, healthy mindset from day one where I could just laugh things off and move on with my life. That is not how this went for me at all. I actually didn't really start figuring this out until about a month into clinical in semester four out of nine of CRNA school. And this tells you anything, I am still in semester four out of nine and this was last month, okay? So growth comes in waves, okay? And I'm just really wanting you guys to be able to master this before you get into clinical because I am telling you it was when week after week and day after day, I was being put into these high pressure situations over and over again that I had to figure it out. I was going

4:12to implode, I was going to go nuts. I could not keep walking off every single clinical day over thinking every little thing I said, everything I forgot, everything I should have done, everything I should have known. That kind of mental spiral got so exhausting, so quickly. And I am telling you, I knew if I didn't find a way to just box it up and be done with it at the end of the night, that I was going to lose my mind. I'm so serious. Now you may be thinking, Julie, I'm just worrying about the little things. I'm not even in clinical. I'm worrying about the dumb thing I said in class the other day or the time that I raised my hand to answer a question or the time I called on and I said the wrong thing. That's what I'm worrying about. And let me tell you, me too, this did not just start in clinical. This did not even honestly just start in CRNA school either. And I think a lot of us can relate to that is that we've been in this habit of overthinking really our whole lives and you've used it as a way to cope and a way to survive. And then now that

5:15you are in a program with this high of stakes, it has really become so much larger than it ever has been because these moments are not so few and for between anymore. And for example, just to give you something that really sticks out to me as one of my firsts, okay, that really shouldn't have been what I talked it up to be. It was one of our first simulations with our clinical coordinator who I have so much respect for, but also very much strikes the fear of God in my soul quite literally. So naturally, I was like, okay, I need to nail this. This is my moment. I'm going to prove that I know what I'm doing. So the whole simulation we knew was just going to be on induction drugs. And let me tell you, I was ready. Prophefall, a tomony or said, go me some ketamine. I'm telling you, I had them on lock. And in my mind, I was like, this is my time to shine. I got this. Okay, like you can do this. I was pumping myself up. I remember lining up

6:18and I even tried to peak a little not enough to be obvious, but just enough to know where I was trying to get a read on the vials. I saw a smaller vial and thought, okay, yes, that's got to be fentanyl. Because they were lining us up and by the anesthesia machine and we blindly grab a drug and then have to say it's in the way and everything we knew about it. And like I said, smaller vial, fentanyl, I was about to press this. Okay. And too bad because honestly, Carmichael wanted to got me for trying to peak because I confidently reached for my quote induction drug, pick it up, look down and I saw none other than good old zoe friend, zoe friend, and anti-medic. Okay. And now looking back, I just want to screen Julie, 5, HT3 antagonist. What are you doing? But in that moment, I'm telling you all I could think was this is not an induction drug. And instead of just owning that I grabbed the wrong thing and I just didn't know. And honestly, not even that I didn't that I grabbed the wrong thing, but just that I didn't know.

7:19I tried making something up. It works on this chemo receptor blah, blah, blah. Of course, my instructor, he's very straightforward. And he immediately looked at me and called me on it. We made eye contact, spoiled, chuckled a little bit and then just shut me down nicely, but very quickly. And there was no saving that moment. Of course, I made quite a few like self-deprecating jokes and moved on, but not really. I say moved on, but definitely did not. I did not move on at all. In fact, I don't think I learned a single other thing that day. No one. Because I'm serious, all I could do is sit there and think how stupid I felt. That was it. Everyone else was going over all these other drugs and these great little tidbits about them and things that honestly could have benefited me. But my brain was done. I was physically there, but mentally, I was just replaying that moment over and over again. Why did I do that? Why did I say that? Why did I just try to cover it up? Why didn't I just admit it? Why am I like this? And looking back now is actually funny. Like, truly, if one of my classmates told me that story, I would be laughing so hard, but in that moment,

8:23I could not see it. I could not see it at all. And that is the whole problem, okay? When you can't laugh at yourself, you just get stuck. And that was just the beginning. I have literally slammed my head into a system monitor, mid case. I have asked where the flush was for my induction drugs on day one and got the most blank stare my life. While my preceptor looked at me and said, open the clamp on your IV back, I have dropped a probe false orange on the ground right before pushing it during induction and just stood there. Cool. Yep. While my preceptor quickly had to pull up another one. I don't know. The point here is that there are going to be several situations in which you just wish maybe could I go back 30 seconds and redo? Please, can I have a redo? Can I try again? Those moments, they can feel embarrassing, they can feel stressful, they can feel like everyone noticed, feels like you're the only one messing up. But it's these thoughts that cause it to turn into something bigger. Because instead of just letting it be a moment, we've now turned it into a storyline. And I think especially in serene school, this happens a lot

9:29because things are so high stake. You're not just answering a question on a test. You're making decisions in real time with real people and real situations. So of course you care. Of course you replay things. Of course you want to do well. But caring and overthinking are not the same thing. And learning the difference between these two changed a lot for me. Because I finally realized I wasn't actually learning from these moments. I was just sitting in there. I was marinating in the embarrassment. I was replaying things so much that I wasn't actually gaining anything from them. And I was just beating myself up and calling it reflection. And that's not the same thing. So I had to change something. And these are the three mindset shifts that helped me stop overthinking everything and actually move on. The first one was this. No one cares about me as much as I care about me. And I do not mean that in a harsh way. I actually mean that in the most freeing way possible. Because when something happens, we immediately go inward. We think about what we said, what we did, how we looked, what they thought, whether we sounded stupid, whether they

10:30noticed, whether they're judging us, whether they'll remember it. And everything feels magnified because it happened to us. But you're the only one putting yourself under that lens, honestly. Think about the last time someone else made a mistake in front of you. Did you go home and replay it all night? Did change how you viewed them? Did you sit there and think, wow, that person is such an idiot? No, you didn't. Most likely you barely even noticed or you may have noticed and immediately moved on or maybe even felt bad for them because you know how that feels before ourselves. Some reason somehow we don't give, we don't get that same grace. We hold on to it. We analyze it. We live it. We make it bigger. I had to really realize that I was creating so much extra pressure on my own head that didn't actually exist in the room. Yes, maybe someone notices in the moment, but it's still just a moment for them. It passes for you at loops. And just because it's replaying your head over and over again, doesn't mean it's replaying in theirs. So remember that. Remember that no one cares about you as much as you care about

11:34you. So it's likely that even though this moment is replaying in your head over and over, it's not for everyone else. Okay, that was number one. Now, the second thing that really changed things for me was this, you do not have to announce every mistake you make just to meet someone else to it. I didn't even realize I was doing this at first, but I was constantly calling myself out, especially when I started clinical. The second something's more happened, I would say it all out. Almost like I was trying to control the narrative before anyone else could honestly, like I'd done for my whole life. But if I save first, I'm in control of it. If I pointed out first and no one can use it against me, if I make the joke first, maybe won't hurt as bad. But what I didn't realize is that I was actually just drawing attention to things that most people probably didn't even notice. And one of the biggest moments that this came to life for me was early clinical. I think like second month, we were getting ready to extubate. I had my routine in my head. I knew how I wanted things set up. I was trying to think ahead, stay calm, do everything right.

12:37And then right in the middle of it, I realized I forgot to pull out my simple mask. And instead of just reaching down, grabbing it from the car to my right and moving on, I immediately sound loud. Oh, the Midwest, nope. Sorry, guys. My bad. I totally forgot to grab it. Like I just fully spotlighted myself for no reason. And my preceptor afterwards actually said, Julie, this is your time, right? And I just thought what? And she said, intubation and exhibition your time. Do what you need to do. And the biggest thing you need to keep in mind is that most people in this room don't even know your routine or what you're going to do next. And that hit me, like really hit me because she was right in that moment. I took something small, something that could have been fixed in literally two seconds and made it bigger, not because it was actually a huge deal, but because I treated it like one. And that ties directly back into overthinking because that's what overthinking does. It takes small things highlights them, magnifies them and turns them into something bigger than they actually are. And then because you made it bigger, you can't move on from it. You keep feeding

13:42it. You keep replaying it. You keep attaching meaning to it that it never really had. And that was such a turning point for me because once I stopped announcing everything, it became easier to move on. I wasn't spotlighting it. I wasn't feeding it. I wasn't turning it into some dramatic moment in my own head. I could just fix it and keep going. And now, honestly, I can look back in that moment laugh little because it wasn't that serious. But I really felt like it was the end of the world and everyone thought I was so stupid and so behind in such a terrible student. And that's the whole point. If you can stop turning small moments into big ones, it becomes so much easier not to overthink and the third thing here. So with the second being just that you don't have to announce every single mistake you make and by doing that, it makes it easier not to spiral over them. The third thing is just going to be at the end of the day, your little mess ups and mistakes are not that deep. And I know that sounds blunt, but honestly, I think sometimes we need blunt. Now, obviously, I'm not talking about patient safety, major issues or anything, you know,

14:46like that that truly matters. I'm talking about the small human moments, the awkward answer, the wrong violence and the forgotten mask, the question you asked and felt dumb afterwards. The little thing that made you want to crawl into a hole and never return, okay? Those things that feel like very huge issues in the moment, they feel defining, they feel like everyone noticed and now you're permanently stamped as the person who did that one dumb thing. It's just important to know that you're not. Most of these moments are tiny, the only reason they feel so big is because we make the big in our own heads. And so just start asking yourself, is it that deep? Is it going to matter tomorrow? And most of the time, no, it's not going to matter tomorrow, and it's definitely not going to matter at a month or a year. So here's the thing, if it's not that deep, learn from it, laugh at it and move on. Because the goal isn't to always avoid mistakes,

15:47to never feel embarrassed, to be perfect, because those are the moments where you are the most. But to get to a place where you can experience something awkward or uncomfortable, learn from it, and then not build your life around it, that can be the difficult part. Because overthinking is built in. It's almost, it almost feels like a part of our DNA, honestly. And like we said before, that's pretty exhausting. So something I want you to work on is, you know, something small happens, just pause, fix it. Don't rush to explain it. Don't rush to apologize for it. Don't rush to announce it to everybody in the room. Just handle it. And then later, or even the moment, just if it was ridiculous enough, maybe even try laughing at it. I'm telling you it works. You can laugh, you can reflect, and then you can let go. And I'm telling you that's a part I was missing for so long. I knew how to self-deprecate, but I didn't know how to reflect in a healthy way.

16:50And I definitely did not know how to move on. So if you take anything away from today, and really want to apply it in your everyday life, whether that be in clinical or even in the classroom setting, learn to laugh at yourself. And the way you can do this is through my top three things that I mentioned, which were just knowing, no one's thinking about you the way you think they are. You don't have to announce every mistake you make just to meet someone else to it. And most of the time, your little mess ups and mistakes are just not that deep. So learn from them, laugh at them, and move on. Because I promise you one day, the things that are just really bothering you right now that you just can't get over are going to be the stories that you laugh about later. And honestly, thank God for that. Because otherwise, I would still be somewhere emotionally recovering from the day that I tried to make up the MOA of Zofrin. Okay, it's gonna be okay.

17:56Thank you guys so much for coming along to today's podcast. Please let me know if you have any questions or just want to reach out and chat, come around to my TikTok grad school jewels. I would love to hear more and then really hear your input on what you and hear we talk about next. Until next time, grad school jewels is out.