STOP Caring What People Think & LIVE Your Dream Life

0:00Oh, what if this person doesn't like me? What does this person think of me? And it stopped me and prevented me from actually doing quite a lot in my life. We can't really exist in a world where we avoid judgment altogether. We got told multiple times, personal trainers are a diamond of dozen, get a real career, get a real job. I know what I'm trying to achieve. I'm backing myself in the process. I'm not going to let anyone else kind of divert me off that track. I don't want to live a life where I'm living for other people. I want to live a life where I'm living for myself. You just accept the fact that the worst case scenario is that a couple people don't like what you're about. Welcome back to the Oilers Talk podcast. I'm Kate and I'm Jemma, a space for nobious conversations for the women who want more. And today we are talking about how to stop caring what people think, so you can live the life that you desire. Because we always get told you guys don't really care that much.

1:01Like you just post you kind of are yourselves online. Like how does that happen? And we kind of want to go through some strategies and things that we've worked on to feel more at ease to just like go after what it is that we want and not care so much. Hmm. The first thing that I want to say is you guys all need to go and read this book called The Four Agreements. Inside of this book it pretty much talks about getting, or not it doesn't talk about getting a view of fear of judgment, but this is very applicable to what we're going to speak about in today's episode, where we pretty much start to learn that what people do to you, say to you, reflect to you is usually from how they think, feel or perceive themselves at that point in time. And I feel like that was the book that really, really allowed me to move through my fear of judgment. Because I really was that person who really struggled with, oh, what if this person doesn't like me? What does this person think of me? And it stopped me and prevented me from actually doing quite a lot in my life for an extended period of time. And I remember reading The Four Agreements this book.

2:03I can't remember who wrote it, but like I'm sure if you guys Google it you'll find it. The Four Agreements are changed by whole perspective on the way that people think and feel. And you know, if somebody does judge you for doing something or, you know, that fear of somebody saying that you're going to be cringe or too much or whatever the story is for you, you couldn't really see that is like, oh, well, nine times out of 10 is someone saying like, oh, I wouldn't post on social media. For example, it's like, yeah, well, maybe they actually do want to post on social media, but they're looking at you going off the life that you want. And they just don't have the balls to do it themselves. Yeah, I think it's good to kind of think that way because it kind of takes the power away from feeling judgment and then feeling bad or shame like it shouldn't be that way. And that's why I think we speak a lot about being really intentional with who it is that we take feedback from and even judgment from because we can't really exist in a world where we avoid judgment altogether. And especially if you do want to grow a brand, grow your business,

3:04like you need to kind of be okay with the fact that we can't control everyone's perception. But then I also think we can give people's opinions less weight by not viewing them with as high regard as others. So what I mean by that is like, I would take feedback from Kate, my partner, my closest friends, anyone who mentors me, but I'm not going to take feedback from someone who's not in a position that I don't want to be in, someone who is just negative and someone who has limiting self belief. It's like it's just not going to be serving you very well. So I think just be really mindful of and doesn't even have to be in like a bad way, but like people can unintentionally be trying to bring you down by just not seeing what it is that you see is what you're wanting to achieve was what I'm trying to get at. So what I think is really important is just be mindful limit who you take feedback from, limit who's judgment you actually kind of let have any impact on you and it will feel a lot more easy to just go after what you want because you're only really going to be listening to two or three voices. Yeah, no, I fully agree. I also think

4:07as well if you are the person who really, really worries about what other people think of you and that's the reason why you haven't done what it is that you want to want to do is maybe you actually just need to like strip it back down to the basics and go, well, what do I actually like and what do I actually dislike? What do I want to achieve? What do I not want to achieve? And then almost put your blinkers on and just focus on doing that. I think it's really easy to get caught up in everyone else's opinions, perspective, judgment, their little things that they say and it really pushes you off track from building your dream life or achieving the things that you want to achieve. Like, I'll use the very basic example when we both started and we have a very similar story, personal training, we got told multiple times personal trainers are a diamond, a dozen, get a real career, get a real job. And if we had listened to all of that, we wouldn't have followed what we were actually really passionate about, what we really enjoyed and what we wanted to do because it would have been so easy to get caught up in listening to whatever and also saying,

5:09absorbing that, taking that for face value and then really going against what we want to do to fit more into the quote unquote norm or in a box or living by other people's rules, whatever. So sometimes it's actually about like, okay, what do I want to do? What do I actually enjoy doing? Where am I maybe adopting other people's limitations and taking them on as my own versus where could I actually just put my blinkers on and just be focused on the thing that I am passionate about regardless of what's going on around me? Yeah, I think that leads really nicely into just learning how to back yourself and again, just focusing on what it is that you're after and also just focusing on what's possible for you and not kind of letting these outside noises or even just like this self-belief kind of get in the way of you not achieving what it is that you want because that's why we always say like it's so important to like follow people who are doing what it is you want to do and that are hugely successful because it kind of opens up your eyes to what's possible. And if you

6:11let judgment get in the way of that, you're just going to kind of limit what it's possible for you. So I really feel like getting really clear like Kate said on like what is it that you're actually interested in and then just going really hard on that and being really okay with being misunderstood because let's use the fitness example like we both had other careers that on paper potentially looked like better options in terms of like corporate or working in a business for someone else like they sound more stable than going out on your own but you need to have this kinds of long-term thought process of being like I know what I'm trying to achieve I'm backing myself in the process I'm not going to let anyone else kind of divert me off that track and you kind of just need to just like push through any of those external sounds so you can get out the other side and you just really have to have a huge amount of self-belief. I remember yeah getting into business and becoming a personal trainer you're always thrown a bit of shade really like people are judgmental but I always come back to like people don't know what they don't know and they don't

7:13know what they don't understand and I think it's really important that right now you're like oh maybe I want to do the career change maybe I want to start posting on socials maybe I want to start going to do maybe I want to start taking my food out to eat even that's the thing like if you're like locked into a hectic goal at the moment and you're like taking a food or you don't want to miss a gym session because you're really wanting to build consistency you will notice that people around you will be like just miss the session who cares you're being too much you're being too full on and I think it's really really important to come back to okay well what are my goals what are the things that I'm looking at and how can I just like lock in and focus on that because ultimately I then start living a life for other people and then maybe I do that for five years like if I'd for example if I had stayed in my career as a nutritionist clinically I would have maybe stayed in it for five years and then five years down the track I would have been like I hate this I've been miserable for five years versus a little bit of uncomfortability at the start where people don't understand what it is that I'm doing the change that I'm making but then a life

8:16long a lifetime worth of alignment happiness and building a life that I'm really proud of which is ultimately at the end end of the day what we want to do for me I don't want to live a life where I'm living for other people I want to live a life where I'm living for myself and the people that I love the most yeah and I think it really comes back to why are we taking judgment and feedback and criticism from people that are living a life that you don't want that you wouldn't trade places meaning doesn't make any sense and sometimes we can do it like unintentionally like when I think of like working back in that corporate job and people kind of saying like don't leave what you're doing and there's no shade to those people but like I don't want to do what you're doing I don't want to just work up a corporate ladder I don't want to lock in and clock out I don't want a boss forever right and it's like if I don't want that why am I holding much weight to the opinion of that person I think going back to the whole shaping your environment it's like I want to take feedback and I want to take any thing constructive from someone who is genuinely where I want to be a mentor someone

9:19that I look up to like that seems far more productive and then you can kind of decide how to navigate that judgment because you kind of avoid the judgment but you can just kind of don't even bother negotiating like let's just say if you're in a family environment and you decide that you want to do something and then one person says one thing and one person says the other rather than even just trying to bite back or even say your piece I think sometimes what we would just do is just like not engage like I like to challenge it yeah of course I do I think when people come at me with a projection right and the four agreements the book I was speaking about this time this episode really speaks about like handling projections and you know when somebody is dealing with something internally the first thing they're going to do is project it onto you I like to challenge that and not from a place of like just challenging people for the sake of challenging people we don't do that around here but more from the sake the sake of getting curious as to where that person is coming from you know like when people used to say to me like pts or a diamond or dozen I would be

10:20like what do you mean by that like can you give me like more depth and more information and nine times at a 10 they can't they can't or or like you know my friend mixed 10 years ago tried to become PT and he flopped well that's a pretty irrelevant because I'm not me and it's not 10 years ago I'm actually Kate and I'm here now so you can actually have conversations and challenge people get curious as to why people are coming to you with the projection if you can be bothered otherwise exactly what Gemma said it's like are we entertaining this conversation or not probably not no and I love that as well because again you're feeling judgment but you can choose how much power that that has and if you kind of decide okay yes I want to challenge it and I want to actually like maybe teach them that the way that they are currently viewing this is close minded and maybe there's going to be a cool like aha moment for them and that's awesome now they're on board with a goal that you have or you're just like I'm not getting anywhere with this I'm stuck with what it is that I want to do I don't really care about the opinion I'm just going to move on with my life

11:21I think it can really just help eliminate the pressure that you might be feeling to kind of appease all of these different people so I really feel like that could be really powerful now I want to kind of shift gears a little bit and I want to talk about whoa what the hell I want to talk about like if you're someone who fears judgment or you want to stop being controlled with how people perceive you more so from a place of people that don't know you I want to give you guys a couple of things that really helped me when I started like posting on social media and getting over that fear of judgment and the fear of people you know commenting something mean or whatever and I think the first thing you need to understand is like not everyone will agree with your opinion okay so if you're the person right now who wants to create a bigger life for themselves start moving in alignment with their dream life that they see on paper maybe that looks like building a personal brand posting content growing a business not everyone is going to be on your side and agree with you and I don't think that that's actually a bad thing I think it's

12:22actually a good thing you know I have particular opinions on growing and scaling a business I have particular opinions and so does Gemma on fitness and health and sustainability but also there's a whole other corner of the internet there's probably hundreds of other podcasts that have the complete opposing opinion and I think if you get into or everyone needs to agree with me when I decide to post content on social media or when I decide to start going out they were doing something that is aligned with me building my dream life you will be crippled by being caught in and worried about what people do think of you forever yeah I think that's a really good point to also challenge your opinion on your way being the best or the right or the only way because another reason that you can feel judgment is because you don't want someone to contest the way that you protect you run your business or you do your fitness or whatever it might be but I actually think if you can break that down a bit more to be like yes you want to be biased in your way of doing stuff because you do it for a reason because you think that it works but rather than it being what if someone

13:28doesn't agree I would just accept that there's multiple different ways to get a result and I think that the way that I like to navigate social media is being like hey this is the way that I like to do things because it works for me I have a track record but I can also respect and it's all about respect when it comes to like socials it's like I can have a conversation with someone and know that they do things differently but I can still understand why that they do it the way that they do and I think it kind of removes the fear of judgment because I'm not viewing people as being right or wrong I'm just viewing people whether or not we can we can all coexist online with different ways of doing things and we can understand why it is that we're having you know doing things the way that we do I think it makes it like less pressure absolutely and also it removes that pressure being worried about what people do think of you or being worried about being perceived in a certain way if you just know that like okay these are the methods that I use and they've worked really well for me and my clients or really well for me in whatever goal I'm trying to achieve but that

14:29doesn't mean that everyone else needs to do the exact same thing or have the exact same opinions and when I think about it like that's what makes humans so interesting is the fact that we can both achieve a result in two completely different ways that we're passionate about and it doesn't mean one person is right nor wrong and I think when you can move in that mindset in you know building your dream life having more alignment putting yourself out there or getting over that fear it really will do that it will help you get over that fear of being judged or you know being caught in worrying what people really do think about you because you can just be more neutral about it really want to say when it comes to like having a fear of judgment I think that if you're still listening to this in your lack but I don't want people to dislike me I think that you need to have a bit of a conversation with like how far how has that served you so far being a people pleaser and trying to appease to everyone is that working for you I'm gonna put a pun tonne and say no it's not okay so let's think about the best case scenario best case scenario is every single person loves you and

15:33loves what you're about and never contests anything but is that gonna truly be how you think and you feel is that gonna be a pretty miserable existence or the other option is you just do things how you like to do them with your tone of voice and what you're interested in and you just accept the fact that the worst case scenario is that a couple people don't like what you're about then you have the option option one you have a you know communicate like adults and you can go back and forth if it's say something online someone disagrees with you or the other option is you block them like we have the option with social media to create an environment where we enjoy it and we feel like it's productive and we feel like it's something that we want to continue fostering so don't feel when it comes to like the online space especially or in person to just kind of like remove yourself from situations that you feel like you're getting judgment and it's not productive and it's not coming from a good place so I think that you don't need to just one accept that if it's an environmental thing and to like create and shape an environment that's actually going to

16:36be something that you enjoy being part of also I think it's like super unrealistic to think that everyone in your whole life is going to like you like what at the end like at the end of the day do you like everyone that you've met in your whole life probably not do you agree with everything that everyone has ever said that you've ever met in your whole life probably not well the same rules apply to you so you think you're living in this world where we're like oh well I don't want to be judged and like I don't want anyone to ever judge me it's like that's so unrealistic because right now there's people who don't like you who are already judging you and guess what you don't even know that's happening right so moving in that mindset of like okay cool it's unrealistic for me to think that I'm never going to be judged or someone's never going to disagree with me and then exactly like Jim said what's the worst thing that can happen I think fuck the haters 100% you know what I mean like if somebody doesn't like me like I always think about this right there's probably people that send this podcast to their friends going these girls are fucking idiots

17:39okay I don't know that they're doing that also it's great for engagements so keep it up like you need to just move in that mindset of like if people don't like me they probably don't like me right now they're probably judging me right now I don't know about that and it is what it is like my my world keeps spinning I know the people that know me to my core that love me that support me will always love and support me because they know me to my core not just like a random person on the internet that I'm worried about that I've never met before and I also feel like if you're moving throughout life like with good intentions and you are integrity and you have integrity and you know what you stand for it becomes it a lot easier to live the life that you want and not to fear judgment because you know like Kate said at your core what you're like so it doesn't matter if someone judges you because it's like I've said this before like if someone murdered someone you're not going to be like I didn't do that because you know that you're not a murderer like you don't need to justify a behavior or a judgment if you know that you're already moving in a way that is good so it's like I think that's the best way to think when it comes to online especially

18:44or even in person it's like if someone feels a certain way about me but they haven't gotten a chance to get to know me or they're committed to misunderstanding you like why are you even justifying the people that do like you are going to resonate and understand you and click with you and that's why it's so important always to just it always comes back to just like being yourself backing yourself and just being really true to who you are and like nine times out of 10 these people are never going to say shit to your face no like let's be real like if someone doesn't like you and they're sending you videos for example because it's like everyone's fear sending your videos in like their group chat being like that girl's such a lizard it's like if I saw you in the street I bet you you would be like oh my god it's so good to say you're you know what I mean versus like I would rather live my life knowing that I'm not talking shit about people I'm living in my authentic expression I'm showing up wholeheartedly as myself and ultimately I'm the one winning in that because I'm building my dream life not being you know sucked in with what miserable losers are saying about you behind your back when you don't even it's not really

19:47doing anything yeah it's just derailing you 100 percent I think the biggest takeaways from not caring so much what people think is just understanding that you were never going to be able to live a life where you can avoid that anyone who is judging you or caring what you're thinking or judging you for the way that you navigate life because you're just going after things like putting yourself out there wanting more for yourself it's just like why are we giving that any weight and it's always an internal it's always an internal thing like the person who's judging you it's coming from a place of their own insecurity maybe they see something in you that they want but they don't have the balls to achieve it yeah and I think we see this all the time like it's a behavior that we have clocked and spoken about where it's like people that are making comments it's always just coming back to them being feeling a certain way when it is that you do stuff like you probably felt this before in like a social group unfortunately among girls unfortunately maybe in like a family environment where it's like hey I've got this cool thing I want to do I want to get into the gym or I want to start a business it's like the first people that are the ones that

20:52are talking about that are often not doing those things because you talking about that is kind of creating a bit of a blind spot of being like oh maybe they should have done that already so I also feel that it helps you create a bit of empathy because then you can have a better understanding of rather than feeling judgment and feeling like a negative emotion instantly you can be like that behavior is happening and that's their shit to do with that's not actually mine yeah absolutely that's all I've got I think that's all I've got as well so let's just run it back quickly so we can summarize the main points at this episode guys first main point is like if you want to get over your fear of judgment you need to decide what you want in your life what is important to you what goals are you trying to achieve and then you need to put your blinkers on and you need to build internal confidence and back yourself move with integrity so it doesn't matter what judgment comes your way because you know within yourself and you back your intentions and that's all that matters you need to read the floor agreements you need to understand that what people say to you is often

21:54an internal projection we need to be okay with people not liking us and also not everyone agreeing with what it is that we believe in and you need to just get a little bit uncomfortable when it goes when it comes to going after what you want you can't just be cruising and staying exactly where you are you need to kind of put yourself out there and just feel those feels you can get to the other side and really truly make the most out of what it is you're trying to achieve and last one fuck the haters haters are our biggest motivators like drop I was expecting to start rafting and on that note if you're watching over on youtube hi hello we love you make sure you like comments subscribe to keep up to date with our episodes we drop two episodes a week and we love reading all of your comments and if you're listening over on Spotify leave us a comment let us know as you're feeling jidav after today's episode and we'll see you next week love you bye