Karen Covy: How to Decide Whether to Stay or Go

Some people decide to leave in a single afternoon, usually after finding out about an affair. For others it takes years of small things stacking up until staying hurts more than going. Karen Covy says the slow version is harder to act on, because there is no single event to point at and nothing that feels like permission.

Karen Covy is a divorce lawyer, mediator, arbitrator and collaborative divorce professional who also works as a coach, and she has spent decades on the part of this that happens before anyone files. She wrote When Happily Ever After Ends, now in its second edition, hosts a podcast about decision-making called Off the Fence, and built an online program called the Divorce Roadmap. She is careful about the distinction at the center of her work: she helps people make the decision for themselves, and does not make it for them.

Karen and Lisa start by normalizing the timeline. Two to seven years is common, and sitting in it is not a character defect. From there they get practical about planning, because Karen's position is that nobody in a high-conflict or abusive marriage should wake up one morning and file. She talks about building access to money discreetly, through cash, gift cards, prepaid cards or a trusted relative, and about avoiding a paper or digital trail. About employment, and starting that before you leave. About local domestic violence centers and how much is available there for free, which Lisa can speak to firsthand. And about shoring up children in advance: therapy started while the household is intact, school counselors and doctors briefed in advance, friendships supported.

The second half is about the children and about you. Why Karen advises telling kids nothing until the plan is in place, and what to say when they can obviously tell something is happening. Why the calmer, more capable parent is often the one the children come down hardest on, illustrated by a story about a father who did not learn the reason until his kids were grown. Whether there is a good age to do this, and what actually determines how hard children take it. And then the part that applies whether you leave or stay: how to rebuild the capacity to make a decision after years of having it taken from you, starting with the smallest ones you can find.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why the stay-or-go decision takes people years, and why not deciding is also a decision
• Why marriage counseling isn't the answer once you already know, and what to do instead
• What a leaving plan includes: money you can reach, a job path, and no digital trail
• Shoring up your kids first: therapy, school contacts, and why the status quo matters later
• What to tell your children before you go, and why telling them early backfires
• Why kids so often side with the parent they think is less able to take it
• Why a pros and cons list won't get you to a decision
• Rebuilding decision-making after coercive control, starting with what you order for dinner

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Why the stay-or-go decision takes years, and why that's normal
4:00 The obvious trigger, and the slow accumulation
7:00 Couples counseling, and when the professionals work harder than you do
10:00 Kids: conflict is the variable, not divorce
12:00 Making a plan instead of waking up one day and filing
14:00 Money you can reach: cash, gift cards, and the digital trail
17:00 Shoring up the kids, and the free resources people don't know exist
20:00 Therapy before the separation, and what to say when kids sense it
25:30 Why kids side with the parent they think can't handle it
28:00 Timing, and what children actually react to
32:00 Pros and cons lists, decision fatigue, and getting your agency back

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Karen Covy: https://karencovy.com/

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.