Rick Warren - Biblical Wisdom for Choosing the Right Partner in Marriage

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1:05on your marriage, what you do, and you want success in your marriage, what you do, then you better listen to what God has to say about the kind of person you should marry. In your life, two of the most important choices you're going to make are, one, will I ever get married? That's a choice. And the second one is, if I do, who's going to be? And the Bible has a lot to say about this. And if you'll take out your message notes inside your program, finding the love of your life, the Bible says in Proverbs 12 verse 26, the right just chooses his friends carefully. Now, if you're supposed to choose your friends carefully, you should be even more careful about who's going to be your life partner. Notice it is a choice. God doesn't do this for you. God says you make the choice. The right just chooses his friends carefully. The problem is nobody teaches us how to do that. You didn't get a class in school.

2:06Your parents didn't teach you how to choose the right person to marry. And as a result, many people end up in the wrong marriage for the wrong reason. And as your pastor who loves you, I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to end up that way. So we're going to look tonight at what the Bible says is God's checklist for choosing the right person. But before we do that, I need to dispel a couple myths. And I want you to write these down there on your outline. There is a couple of myths about marriage that are out there. And we just need to get them out of the way. The first one is this, God doesn't choose my mate for me. God doesn't choose my mate for me. It's your decision. It's your choice. God isn't going to choose your mate for you. God places the responsibility 100% on your shoulder. God is not going to put a sign in the sky that says, marry Harry. Okay. It isn't going to happen. You can look all you want, but it isn't going to happen.

3:08Now some people say, well, I'm not going to date. I'm just going to wait. Things are weird for that. Bachelor or bachelor at, okay? Or never marry, okay? I mean, that's nonsense to say, I'm not going to date. I'm going to wait. That's what you get when you cross a crocodile in an abalone. It's a crock of a lony. I mean, I remember about 10 years ago, a guy wrote a book called, I kiss dating goodbye. I think he's a monk today. When God wants to steer you, it's easier to move a car that's moving than one that's parked. God can't move a parked car. He can't steer. It's got to be moving and then you can go this way or that way, whatever. So you can go home and sit in your basement and say, I'm just going to wait and not date. And nothing's going to happen. Nothing's going to happen. So you just need to clear that one up.

4:08God says it's your choice. God leads us. God guides us and God gives us guidelines. We're going to look out on tonight. But ultimately, it's your choice. The second myth is this. There isn't only one right person for me. That's very romantic. There's only one person in the entire universe for me. Well, it's just not true. It's not only not romantic, but it's not biblical. And it's not only not biblical. It's not even logical. It is a total myth. It's romantic, but it's a myth. In your life, there are multiple people. God would say, that's okay for you to marry. Multiple people. There would be millions, you would say, no way, Jose. But there are multiple opportunities that could God would say, okay, it's all right. Your choice, your preference. So God doesn't have a bull's eye when it comes to marriage.

5:09So forget that there's some miswrite or mister write out there. They just aren't there. Okay, it isn't going to happen. And the Bible doesn't say that. By the way, let me give you one more myth. It's not there in your outline, but write this down. One of the myth is love alone is not enough reason to marry. Would you write that down? Just write down. Love alone is not enough reason to marry. I talk to people all the time, I'm getting married. And I look at them and go, there's no way. The family background isn't right. The spiritual background isn't right. Personality background isn't right. Educational background. They don't have the same amount of energy. They don't have the same amount of ambition. They don't even have the same values, goals. None of these things are, but we love each other. Friend, given the right situation, I could get you to fall in love with anybody. Love is a choice. And I could put you in circuit circumstances that would make you romantically inclined.

6:11Just because you love someone does not mean you should marry them. I would like for us to repeat this together. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should. I fell in love with multiple women before I married K. Any of them, if I had married, would have been a disaster. You can fall in love with all kinds of people. It doesn't mean you should marry them. Love is not enough. It takes a lot of other things. And that's what we're going to look at tonight. Now God doesn't tell you who to marry, but He does give you a description of the kind of person that He desires for you to marry. And if you want God's blessing on your marriage, what you do, and you want God's protection on your marriage, what you do. And you want success in your marriage, what you do, then you better listen to what God has to say about the kind of person you should marry.

7:13Because the evidence of not following what God says to do is out there all around us. Given the right situation, as I said, you can fall in love with anybody. Doesn't mean you should marry them. But God gives us a list. And I call these a list of must-hows. Now I'm going to give you a list tonight from the Bible of things that must have, you must have in your life and in your mate's life, boyfriend, girlfriend's life, in order to marry them. Until these are right, you're not ready to marry them, and they're not ready to marry you, and they may not even ever be the right person for you to marry. Now you can add to this list your own experiences. This what I'm going to give you tonight is the bare minimum. These are the minimum requirements for the marriage God blesses. These are, if they don't meet these qualifications, deal breaker. I don't care how much I love them. I don't care how much money they've got, how cute they are, how much they make me laugh, doesn't matter how sweet we get along together, how much we have fun, how much we have in common,

8:18doesn't matter all those things. If we don't match on these things, deal breaker. Now, this week I celebrated my 37th anniversary, okay? And I have counseled thousands of married couples in trouble and counseled thousands of single adults who were considering marriage. So I do know a little about what the Bible is talking about. I just want to save you some pain. These are not my opinion. This is what God says are the requirements of the kind of person you should choose to marry. Okay, let's get into it. Number one, the first thing we have to have, my wife and I are my husband and I, we have to, number one, we must have spiritual unity. It's first qualification. We must have spiritual unity. That means we believe the same thing about God.

9:19We have a relationship to God together. If you aren't spiritually unified with your spouse, you are never going to enjoy the depth of physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, or emotional intimacy that God desires for your marriage. You just can't do it. You cannot have the ultimate physical, emotional, and sexual unity that God wants you to have. If you're not unified in the number one area of your life, which is your relationship to God, now your relationship to God should be the biggest, most important part of your life. And if I can't share the biggest, most important part of my life with my wife, we're living on different wavelengths. We've got different worldviews. We may have all kinds of other things in common, but our marriage will be shallow our entire lives. It will be shallow and there will be problems.

10:20And your marriage will never be as deep as it could be and you will never experience the emotional intimacy or the sexual intimacy that God wants you to have unless you're united in spirit. There's a spiritual unity that you're headed in the same direction. I'm Kiana and I leveled up my business with Shopify. Plus I figured out that Shopify was a thing I never turned back. I can create a site with my eyes closed. Shopify thinks ahead of us, you know, and it thinks about the customer more than anything. Every day I'm thinking about some other new business, but Shopify is doing it to me because it's so easy to use. It's like I can't stop on my dick did. Start your free trial at Shopify.com. At Arizona State University, we're bringing world-class education from our globally-acclaimed faculty to you. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university online. That's a degree better. Learn more at ASUOnline.asu.edu. Meet the Red Bull Dragonberry Emergizer.

11:23It's one of the many new drinks out now. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire? Try them all only at McDonald's. If you want God's protection on your marriage, you want God's blessing on your marriage then God's got to be at the center. He's got to be the glue. Most people have no idea how important God is to marriage. It takes more than a man and woman to make a solid marriage. God remember marriage was God's idea. God thought it up. God thought up sex. God thought up intimacy. God thought up family and children and the whole big idea. So he designed it. God designed it that marriage is a three-leg stool. God, a husband and a wife. Now you take out any one of the legs and the stool is going to fall over. A one-legged stool will fall over. A two-legged stool will fall over. You've got to have the third leg. You've got to have God in the relationship or it's going to be unstable.

12:24It's going to get knocked over in enormous ways, all kinds of different ways. Now God is absolutely clear about this first one. Let's look at some verses. 2 Corinthians chapter 6, verses 14 and 15. Stop forming inappropriate relationships with unbelievers. Can right and wrong be partners? Can light have anything in common with darkness? Can a believer share life with an unbeliever? In other words, if you don't have spirituality, how in the world can you be unified in any other area? Now let me just be honest with you. Let me have true confession right now. As a pastor, I don't like to disappoint people. As a pastor, I don't like to hurt people's feelings. I want them to like me. I want them to be happy. And honestly, I can't tell you how many times people have come to me and introduced me

13:26to their fiancee. And they want me to be happy about their fiancee. And they say, and they start telling me all their fine qualities of their fiancee. And their fiancee does have a lot of fine qualities, great fine qualities. And they tell me how much they love them. And they tell me how much they have in common. And they tell me how much they've got similar plans. And they tell me how much they think alike in so many different areas. And then one of them will take me and say, there's only one problem. He's not a believer. She's not a believer. It's the only problem. That every bone in my body wants to say, it's no big deal. Go ready to be happy. But after watching over a thousand divorces, I'm blunt. And I say, you're making the biggest mistake of your life. I love you enough to tell you the truth. You are making the biggest mistake of your life.

14:28If you don't have spiritual unity, you're never going to have sexual unity, the way God intended. You're never going to have emotional unity, the way God intended. You're never going to have unity and communication because the biggest area of your life, your partner rejects. I don't care how much you else you've gotten common. They reject that. How can I say if you have committed your life to Christ? Then there's no way you can give your life away to somebody who rejects your Savior. There's just no way you can do that. Now you can do it and say, well, God, I don't want my blessing on my marriage. I don't want your success on my marriage and I don't want your protection on my will at marriage. And I'm going to willfully ignore what the Bible says. I used to be really kind of casual about this. Well, you know, I know you can win them to the Lord later. You can win her missionary dating is what we call it. You know, and people tell me it's all win them to Christ or he'll change after we're

15:32married. Would you like to give me five, let me give you 5,000 people to tell you that, that didn't happen. The change, if it doesn't happen before the marriage, that's when the leverage is on. You see, a lot of girls in particular, when they plan their wedding, there's a standard. I've done so many thousands of weddings. There's a standard, you know, you walk down the aisle, you stand at the altar and then they do the hymn and it's aisle alter hymn. And people think that's how it's going to be. I'll alter hymn. But it doesn't work that way. Second Corinthians 6, 14, next verse, do not unite yourself with an unbeliever. They're not fit mates for you. If you want God's best, I'm just telling you right up front, don't even consider somebody who's not committed to Jesus Christ. Now, let me give you the hard, cold facts of life, not preference, facts of life, national

16:39survey and marriage magazine. One out of every two and a half marriages in America now wins in divorce. That's not very good odds. One out of every two and a half marriages in America is a divorce. But when a couple is spiritually unified, that's what I'm just talking about. They're both believers and they practice three habits together. A ten church weekly together, pray together, read the Bible together. The divorce rate drops from one out of every two and a half marriages to one out of every 1,105 marriages. Are you willing to gamble? Are you willing to gamble? Please, I'm telling you, as your pastor, don't gamble the second most important decision in your life. Because if you marry without spiritual unity, the odds are in ten years. You're going to be divorced.

17:40You're not going to beat the odds as a general rule. Or you'll stay together and your deepest intimacy will never be there. You'll live at a shallow level because you're not sharing the most important thing in your life. Or, there's going to be conflict with your kids and all kinds of other problems. So this is the starting one. Number one, I must have spiritual unity. The Bible says this. Romans 1, 12. I want us to help each other with the faith we have. Your faith will help me and my faith will help you. And that's what God wants to do in marriage. He wants the faith of the husband to help the wife and the faith of the wife to help the husband. But how can your faith help each other if one of you has no faith? If I were to stand up here on the edge and you were to come over here, is it easier for me to pull you up or for you to pull me down? It's always easier to be pulled down in a relationship than to pull somebody up. It is always easier.

18:40So I'm not shy about this anymore. If that offends you, I'm sorry. I'm doing what is best for your happiness. You must have spiritual unity in your marriage. All right? Number two, second must have. Not only do we have spiritual unity, that's still not enough. Number two. Oh, by the way. Somebody says, what if I'm already married to an unbeliever? You love them and you pray that they find Christ. That's what you do. Now, the second non-negotiable in choosing a life partner, we must have not only spiritual unity, number two, we must have life purpose compatibility. Life purpose compatibility. In other words, we have to be headed in the same direction for the same reason, for the same purpose in life. Now the Bible says this in Amos 3 verse 3. Can two people walk together without agreeing on the direction?

19:43Well, the obvious answer is no. You can't want to walk that way and I want to walk this way and we walk together. Now if two people can't walk together without a same purpose, how in the world do we think we're going to live together in intimacy? It isn't going to happen. Marriage is going to fall apart. The marriage will not last. If you have a purpose for your life, that's that way and I have a purpose for my life and it's that way. At Arizona State University, we're bringing world-class education from our globally acclaimed faculty to you. Earn your degree from the nation's most innovative university. Online, that's a degree better. Learn more at ASUOnline.ASU.EDU. McDonald's is putting value back on the menu. Whether you're craving a big mac, McNuggets or sausage egg and cheese McGrittle's, make it a meal and save. Your favorite is now your wallet's favorite too. Extra value meals are back. Sun rises, prices fall, get a sausage Mcmuffin with egg or sausage egg and cheese McGrittle's

20:46small hot coffee and hash frowns for just six dollars. Price and participation may vary. Promotion pricing may be lower than meal pricing. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. Meet the Red Bull Dragonberry Emergized. It's one of the many new drinks out now. Who knew ice cold drinks could be so fire? Try them all only at McDonald's. Not gonna last. It's gonna end in disaster. You're gonna have a life of conflict. Now by the way, the implication of this is you're not ready to marry until you know the purpose for your life. After Brad teaches on this all the time, I wrote a book about it a number of years ago, but you need to identify what is my mission, what is my purpose, what is my calling, what is my vocation, why did God put me on this earth? Until you know that question, don't even think of getting married. Because if you don't know what your purpose is and then you get married and you discover

21:47it later and then all of a sudden tough luck, you're married to somebody whose purpose is totally different. Now God put you here for a purpose and he did three things. He shaped you, he gifted you and he called you. Let's look at these three verses. First he shaped you, Ephesians 2.10. For we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for us to do. Circle that phrase, prepared in advance. Did you know that before you were born, God already decided your life purpose? He prepared in advance the things he wanted you to do with your life. One day you're going to stand before God and he's going to ask you two questions. The nice thing about God is he tells us what's on the final exam and there are only two questions on the final exam and since God wants you to succeed at it, he tells you the questions in advance. One day you're going to die, one day your heart's going to stop. That's going to be the end of your body but it's not going to be the end of you because

22:47you were made to last forever. You're going to live forever, one of two places. We were made for long term relationship with God, God wants you in heaven. That's why I sent Jesus to die for you so it'd be possible. One day you'll stand before God and he's going to ask you first, what did you do with my son Jesus? I hope you know the answer to that. He's not going to ask, were you Catholic or Baptist or Pentecostal or Calvary Chapel or not going to ask your denominations. He's going to say, what did you do with my son Jesus? And then he's going to say, second question, what did you do with what I gave you? You have been given certain gifts, certain abilities, certain purposes, certain shape that God wired you, spiritual gift, hard ability, personality, experiences that he wants you to use to fulfill your purpose. When you stand before God one day, God's not going to say, by the way, who's your Mary? He's going to say, did you fulfill your purpose? Did you fulfill your purpose?

23:48No, sorry Lord, I wasn't able to do that because I found a really cute guy. Wrong answer. That's not the one he wants to hear. God called you, he said, I designed in advance what I made you to do. He not only shaped you, he gifted you, look at the next verse, verse Peter 4. Each of you has received a gift from God for serving others. Now you must be faithful to develop and use that gracious gift from God. You've got to be faithful to do it. Well, if you've got a life partner who doesn't care to bits about that, are they going in a different direction? How are you going to fulfill your purpose? Third, God not only shaped you and gifted you, he's called you. You did you know that you're called? Every Christian is called by God. The Bible says marriage is a partnership to fulfill your calling. Hebrews 3.1, brothers and sisters, you are holy partners in a heavenly calling.

24:49Now let me just tell you this. If you've got a girlfriend and you're not going to be more effective fulfilling your purpose married, you better stay unmarried. The purpose of marriage is to make you more effective in fulfilling your purpose. If marriage keeps you from your purpose, then you miss the point of the marriage to be partners in God's calling. So here's what you need to do. You need to picture in your mind your life purpose as a circle. And you picture in your mind the life purpose of the person you're considering marrying over here. And then you ask, how much do they overlap? Do they overlap at all? Are important, could they become one? Because when you have that oneness, it's incredible. I married a woman like that who had the same purpose I did.

25:50And unbelievable, it made us a powerful team that took us places around the world. I never would imagine that gave us opportunities. I never would imagine. When I fell in love with Kay, I had no idea what God was going to do in my life. I just knew what his purpose was. But I didn't know all of the things he was going to do in my life. And all of the things he was going to do in her life. And we had gifts that had not even been discovered yet. But what we did know is we had the same purpose. And our purposes matched perfectly. And as a result, that gave impact. When you have two different purposes, you have no impact. And not only that, you have less joy. And not only that, you have more conflict. So you not only have to have spiritual unity, you have to have the same life purpose and life. God, gift that you shaped you and called you. So listen, you may both be fine people. And you may both love the Lord.

26:53And you may love each other. But that doesn't mean you should get married. It does not mean you got to ask, do we have the same purpose? The Bible tells us that one of the advantages of being single is you can have a solitary purpose. You have undivided attention. Now, I don't know if anybody has ever told you this or not. But I think you've already figured it out. A bad marriage is a thousand times worse than staying single the rest of your life. Let me say it again. A bad marriage is a thousand times worse. Sometimes worse than all the downsides of staying single the rest of your life. So do not settle for just second best. I can't tell you how many people I've talked with who've been married 10 years or 15 years or 20 years. And in the privacy of the 101 conversation, they say, Pastor Rick, I feel guilty. So what do you mean? I know what God called me to do, but I can't do it now.

27:57Because I married a guy. I married a girl who didn't share that same value. And there's no way it's going to get done. And I know I am missing my purpose in life. Do you know what torture that is? To know your purpose in life and know you're missing it? Don't make that mistake. Don't make that mistake. On the other hand, as I said, when your purpose is aligned, it is enormous power. It is enormous energy and it's enormous fulfillment to be doing the same thing, the same purpose with your husband or your wife and knowing the blessing of God is on your life. And I have felt that. And friend, there's nothing in the world like that feeling. To know that there's somebody by my side who's the exact opposite of me in every DNA cell of her body. She's female and I'm male and we don't understand each other a lot of the time.

28:58But we do know this. God's called us to this and we're online together. And there's enormous power when a husband and wife have the same life purpose. Number three, third, non-negotiable. We must have spiritual unity. We must have life's purpose compatibility. Number three, we must both be emotionally healthy. Yeah, I heard that one. I don't know if that was laughter of guilt, fear or laugh. But we all, let's all just laugh right now, okay? Now, I did not say emotionally perfect. If you wait for the per- Book a Love by Guest Property with Verbo and you get a top-rated vacation rental that's love for all the right reasons. I love my Verbo for the location. Good reason. Oh, and for the pool, because pools are cool. I feel the love. Book a Verbo that's love by Guest.

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30:58I'm broken and so are you. Go ahead, I dare you. I'm broken and so are you. All right. Now, turn to the person and say, but that's okay because God still loves you. That's okay because God still loves you. All right. We just had eighteen proposals for marriage just then. I'll be doing a cut rate wedding service after this service. Let me just tell you, read my lips. Anybody you marry will be broken. Now, you're gonna marry a sinner and she's gonna marry a bigger one. You imperfect people cannot make a perfect relationship. So put that one out of your mind. You're never gonna have a perfect one. I'm married to sinner. K married to sinner. You're gonna marry sinner. The Bible says all of sin.

31:59Nobody is perfect. In fact, if you think you're perfect, then you better be running from that person if they think they're perfect. Okay. Because they're out of touch with reality. Woo, woo, woo, woo, you know. Okay. So, everybody's broken, but some people are a lot more broken than others. And you need to avoid them no matter how good looking or how much money or how well they treat you. You need to avoid them. Heard about a lady at divorce court. She was asking for a divorce and the judge said, but you promised to take him for better or worse. She said, yeah, but he was a lot worse than I took him for. So you got to figure out the emotional health of that guy before you go too far in a relationship. Why am I saying this? Study after study after study has shown 80% of all separations and divorce come because

33:00one or both of the partners are emotionally unhealthy. 80% of all divorces come because one or both of the people in the marriage were emotionally deficient. They were emotionally immature. They were emotionally unhealthy. Now, I'm going to give you a partial checklist of emotional health factors. These aren't my opinion. This is what God says you need to avoid. You need to avoid them and you need to get out of a relationship. If you spot any of these, the Bible says you are asking for trouble. You don't want trouble. So if you hear me teach this to you and then you go marry a person and has some of these in their life and you and things turn sour, you cannot blame God. You walked into it full on head knowing I'm going to get married in spite of these factors.

34:02Let me give you a list of factors. This is not all of them, but it's a partial checklist of emotional health factors. Number one, whoever I must marry must, number one, have no uncontrolled anger. Whoa. No uncontrolled anger. But I like the bad boys. And there's a word for you, girl. Fool. Fool. You're just a flat out fool. Proverbs 22, 24. Do not circle that. Do not make friends. I think that would mean going on on the date. Do not make friends with a hot tempered man. Do not associate with one easily angered. Do you know why? Because uncontrolled anger reveals deep insecurity and low self-worth. If I don't like me, I don't like anybody else.

35:06And when you've got a cup, let's say I'm carrying a cup of water and if it's full to the brim, any little thing will shake that cup and it will spill out. If there's not any water in it, nothing can come out. You've got a guy who's filled with anger or a woman who's filled with anger and it's right there at the brim. Anytime you bump them, it's going to come out. The best time to end wife abuse and domestic violence is don't marry them. If you see somebody who has uncontrolled anger, friend, the Bible says, run. Do not associate with one easily angered. Because if they don't like themselves, I guarantee you, at some point they're going to turn that anger on you and you are going to be the brunt of it because you're going to be closest. No uncontrolled anger.

36:08That's non-negotiable. Number two, whoever I marry must have no addictions. No addictions. These are non-negotiables. Proverbs 23, verse 20. Don't associate, there's that word again, don't associate with people who drink too much or stuff themselves with food. Let's pause here for a little confession. Your pastor is in. Now only two things are mentioned here, food and alcohol, but you know there's a thousand ways to get addicted. You can get addicted to drugs. You can get addicted to pornography. You can get addicted to video games.

37:10You can get addicted to spending money. I just love to shop. Run! Do I need to cover this point anymore? No, okay, let's go on. Number three, whoever I marry must have no uncontrolled anger, must have no addictions. Non-association. Number three, no bitterness. Wow. They got a deal with it before they deal with you. If your boyfriend or your girlfriend is carrying resentment from his past, now let me tell you this as a pastor who loves you. I love you. I'm trying to save you some pain. I have sat in the counseling room with marriage after marriage after marriage after marriage and watch bitterness tear it all down. Doesn't matter if you both have great jobs, you're both good looking, you got great kids, you got a good car, great family, everything, but if there's bitterness there, it tears it out.

38:20Bitterness is like a poison that eats you alive. Whatever you resent, you begin to resemble. I'm never going to be like my mother, oh really? Yeah, I'm never going to be, no, really, whatever you resist persist, you start pushing a nail into wood, it starts resisting, it just goes deeper and deeper into the wood. You hammer it down. And whatever you need to resent, stop presenting, you got to release it. Now the Bible says this. He brews 12 verse 15. Make sure you all have experienced the grace of God. Now that would mean both the husband and the wife, the boyfriend and the girlfriend, everybody. Make sure you've all experienced the grace of God so that bitterness doesn't take root and grow because that causes much trouble and will corrupt. See, if you start dating a girl or a guy who has bitterness from something in their past and they're holding on to it and they're not letting it go and they're holding on, I want to guarantee you 110% that after you get married, that resentment is going to turn to you.

39:38And a girl who's had issues with her dad is going to take it out on her husband. And ladies, you want to know what your husband and wife treat you? Look at how he treats his parents. You got to clear. See what kind of respect the guy gives his mom. Just look at that. I have seen this over and over and over. Bible says, make sure you all experience the grace of God so you give it. It's Paul in America. Make it count. At the Ram Drive into Fall Sales event. Make it powerful with our strongest Ram 1500 ever. Make it move with the Ram Heavy Duty with an available Cummins Diesel. And make it go the distance with a 10 year or 100,000 mile powertrain limited warranty. Hurry and now for great deals during the Ram Drive into Fall sales event. Excludes fully electric vehicles applied to 2026 model year vehicles non transferable. Visit moapart.com for complete details on a copy of the powertrain limited warranty. Cummins is a registered trademark of Cummins ain't Ram and Hemi are registered trademarks of FCA US LLC. When the school year hits full speed, don't let dinner fall behind. Make the week easier with good ranchers.

40:39Good ranchers delivers high quality 100% American beef, chicken, pork and more straight to your door. So your freezer is stocked before the chaos starts with good ranchers in your freezer dinner is already halfway done. Everything arrives vacuum sealed and frozen ready for burgers, chicken, steaks or an easy family favorite on a packed night. Full year speeds up. Good ranchers keeps dinner one step ahead. Visit good ranchers.com now and stock your freezer before the school week scramble starts. Good ranchers one less dinner decision all week long. Read it that bitterness because bitterness causes much trouble. Notice how many of these verses use the word trouble. This is a very important question is to ask how do they treat their parents? You know, they're not bearing their parents. They're not marrying their parents. They're marrying me. You're right. But they're bringing their parents into the relationship. And they're bringing a hit. You don't marry a person. You marry a family. You may not like that, but you marry a family. Proverbs 20, 20. If you curse your father or mother, the lamp of your life will be snuffed out.

41:45What in the world is that mean? That sounds pretty, pretty strong. The lamp of your life will snuffed out. What does it mean? You'll miss the life God intended. You know, in the 10 commandments, like don't murder and don't commit adultery and don't steal and don't lie. Number five, the fifth one is honor your father and mother. Did you know that's the only command of the big 10 that has a promise with it? It's the only one with a promise said, if you honor your father and mother, you will be given a long life. It's the only promise with the blessing of the 10 commandments. See, but my parents don't deserve to be honored. Your parents may be, maybe you never knew them. Maybe they were alcoholics. Maybe they beat you. Maybe you were abused. I'm sorry. But you know what? People say, why did God choose the parents I've got? I mean, my parents, they didn't do diddly squat in my life. In fact, they hurt me.

42:49But you know what? They're your parents. And why did God choose those people to be your parents? Regardless of whether they were good, bad or terrible parents, God chose them why. Because they had just the DNA to create you. And God was more interested in creating you than in their parenting skills. They may have been a terrible parent, but you wouldn't be existing if it weren't for the DNA of your mom and your dad. So I'm not saying honor their sin. The Bible doesn't say that. The Bible doesn't say honor their abuse. The Bible doesn't say honor their neglect. You don't have to honor the fact that God chose them because without them you wouldn't exist. They had just the right sperm and egg to create you. And God was more interested in making you than he was how well apparent they were. So no uncontrolled anger, no addictions, no bitterness. You only command with the promise.

43:52Number five, whoever I marry must not be selfish. Not selfish. Why? Proverbs 28, 25 says this, selfish people cause trouble. Would you circle that star at underlying it, put a arrow toward it, a Reno sign and you know pointing the... selfish people cause trouble. So you just look in your day. Does he ever open the door for you? Do they only talk about themselves when you're together? You know, when somebody talks about themselves a day, sometimes that's fascinating. It's kind of cute. It's kind of interesting. After you get married, it wears off real quick. Can you talk about something else besides your hair, or your car, or your dream, or... Can you talk about anything else? The Bible says selfish people cause trouble.

44:56The number one cause of conflict in marriage. When you boil it all down, you say, how do you keep conflict out of marriage? Simple. You read a selfishness. Conflict comes because I want what I want. You want what you want. We're both selfish and neither one of us are willing to budge. It's immaturity. It's selfish. And the more unselfish I am, then the more we're going to get along, the more unselfish you're going to be. Because it responds back to each other. Don't go with an unselfish, with a selfish man. Proverbs 18 verse 1. People who do not get along with others are only interested in themselves. They will disagree with what everyone else knows is right. Don't point at them right now, please. People who don't get along with others are only interested in themselves. They disagree with everybody else. They make their living by being opposite. Don't selfish. Now, the next one. This one may surprise you, but it's a non-negotiable.

46:05The person I marry cannot be greedy. So what the Bible says. I'm only teaching you what the Bible says. And if you want a peaceful marriage, you want a successful marriage. Don't marry a greedy man. Don't marry a greedy woman. Proverbs 15, 27. A greedy man does what? Brings trouble to his family. I would encourage you maybe to do a study on this. The damage that greed does to love. The damage that greed does to marriage. The damage that greed does to children and families. If you marry a greedy spouse, you will be in debt your entire life. You will always be in debt because they will always spend things. Money they don't have to buy things they don't need to impress people they don't even like. You will always be in debt in your marriage if you marry a greedy person because they don't know how to live within a budget. They don't know how to live on less.

47:08I got to have it. I got to have it. Now, I'm going to live within my means even if I have to charge it. Proverbs 23 verse 6 makes it even more blatant. Don't eat at the table of a stingy person. I guess that means not going out the dinner. Don't eat at the table of a stingy person. Don't hang out with those kind of people. Now, one of the clearest signs of emotional health, this is now getting on the opposite side, is the opposite of the last two. Selfish and greedy. Bible says, run from that. If you see selfishness, she's always talking about her. She's only interested in her. He's only interested in him or their greedy. They're very materialistic. They're very materialistic. The Bible says, run. The opposite of that, the two of the ultimate signs of emotional health are generosity and kindness. Generosity and kindness. And so that's the next one. Clear a sign of emotional health is they must be generous and kind.

48:19Are they generous and are they kind? Now, why do I want to marry somebody who's generous? Why is that important? Why do I want to marry somebody who's kind? Well, look at what the Bible says. A generous man will prosper. Do you want to marry a guy who prospers? Then you better marry a generous man. A generous man will prosper. He who refreshes others will himself be refreshed. They're also far easier to get along with. But also kindness. Proverbs 11, 17. A kind hearted woman gains respect. And a kind man benefits himself. But cruel people bring trouble. There's that word again, trouble on themselves. Notice greed brings trouble. Selfishness brings trouble. Bitterness brings trouble. Addictions bring trouble. But generosity and kindness, it brings benefit. It brings prosperity. It brings respect. Now, we have time for one more. An emotionally healthy person tells the truth. Tells the truth.

49:25An emotionally healthy person tells the truth. Proverbs 20 verse 7. Why do I want to marry a person who tells the truth? Because the Bible says this. A righteous person lives on the basis of his integrity and his children will be blessed even after he is gone. This episode sponsored by Good Rangers. Most people don't realize this. But over 85% of the grass-fed beef sold in the US is actually imported from overseas. It's a system that often pushes out American farmers and ranchers. That's why it matters to be intentional about where you buy your meat. That's why I choose Good Ranchers. Good ranchers connects you directly with local American farms and ranches. 100% American meat, pasture raised, no antibiotics, no added hormones. Delivered straight to your door. Make the switch to better meat. Go to GoodRanchers.com to start your plan and get premium American meat delivered right to your door. That's GoodRanchers.com. American Meat Delivered.

50:26Summer is almost over, so don't waste your last grill nights on a grocery store run. With Good Ranchers, premium American beef, chicken, and pork, show up at your door. Ready for the grill. Good Ranchers delivers 100% American meat from trusted farms and ranches with no added hormones or antibiotics. Every order from Good Ranchers arrives vacuum sealed, frozen, and ready when you are. So dinner is simple and the grill stays busy. Go to GoodRanchers.com. That's GoodRanchers.com and build your box today. Before summer's gone, make the last cookout count with Good Ranchers. This episode's sponsored by Good Ranchers. Most people don't realize this, but over 85% of the grass-fed beef sold in the US is actually imported from overseas. It's a system that often pushes out American farmers and ranchers. That's why it matters to be intentional about where you buy your meat. That's why I choose Good Ranchers. Good Ranchers connects you directly with local American farms and ranches. 100% American meat, pasture raised, no antibiotics, no added hormones. Delivered straight to your door. Make the switch to better meat.

51:31Go to GoodRanchers.com to start your plan and get premium American meat delivered right to your door. That's GoodRanchers.com. American Meat Delivered. You want your children to be blessed and you marry somebody who tells the truth. Now why is this so important? Everybody look up here. Love is based on trust and trust is based on truth. If you don't tell me the truth, I can't trust you. And if I can't trust you, how can I love you? Guys, if you lie to a girl that you're dating, you're going to lie to your wife later on. Girls, if a guy's lying to you about what he's doing right now, he's going to lie to you even more when he's married. I'm doing this because I want to protect you. Don't marry somebody who doesn't have integrity.

52:37But when you find somebody who's got integrity, the Bible says that's going to bring blessing not only on you and your marriage, but on your kids too. Even after they die. Now, did you notice in this entire list, there was not one word about appearance. Did you notice that not one word about how they look, how sexy. You know, is she, is she Susie swivel hips? You know, I mean, a hunga, a hunga burn in love. All right. Now, our culture teaches the exact opposite what the Bible teaches. Our culture teaches you that the number one thing you need in marriage is you need to be sexy. You need to be good looking. Our entire society is built on the idea that you marry somebody beautiful.

53:39And then if you marry somebody who is attractive, then your marriage is going to be great. And you're going to be happy. And they're going to meet every need in your life. Now, friends, if that were true, the marriages that would last the longest would be Hollywood marriages. Because they're all better looking than all of us. Is that true? Do Hollywood marriages do the best looking people have the longest lasting marriages? Tell me, is that true? Not a chance. Not a chance. It has zero to do with the success of your marriage. Because hey, tell you this, you're not going to stay sexy forever unless you're me. All right. Now, the Hollywood myth is that all you need to get married is romantic feelings, sexual attraction, want to get rid of your loneliness.

54:47And then that'll be it. Everything will be great. No, it won't. Those are not the reasons to marry. You may be tired of being noticed or not noticed. And you want to be noticed. Somebody pays your little attention. And you think, well, I should marry this person. They're paying me attention. No. Do you have spirituality? Do you have life purpose compatibility? Are they emotionally healthy? Those aren't, these aren't reasons enough to marry. She's good looking and paying me attention. I could probably get a baboon to do that too, too, for you. You say, well, come on, Rick, I'm not sure if I'll ever find anybody who fets this. Oh, really? I did. And you can too. When Kay and I got married, Leonard Ravenhill, who was a great preacher of the previous generation, sent us a wedding card. I've never forgotten. He said this. God always gives his best to those who leave the choice to him.

55:55I wanted God's best in my life, and I got it. And I wasn't going to settle for somebody who was... When I was in school, I was pretty popular. I was class president every year and student body president. From eighth grade, seventh grade to my freshman year college, I was president every single year. I was a party animal. And I dated a lot of really cute girls. Any of them would have been disastrous. Would have been disastrous for me, because we didn't have these issues. And to build it simply on sexual attraction, the feeling of being noticed, the fear of loneliness, wanting to be loved, we share a lot in common, we're having fun. Those are all great things, but they're not enough to build a marriage on. And that's why every one out of every two-and-ath marriage is ins and divorce.

56:55I want to remind you again, a bad marriage is a thousand times worse than staying single. Now, as we've gone through this list, some of you may have realized you're currently dating somebody who'd be disaster to marry. What do you do? You run, that's right, run. The fact is, the longer you date somebody, the more painful it's going to be to break up. I would encourage you to try to figure out in the first two dates. Do they fit this situation here? Any of these here? Look for these things. So I would suggest it maybe on some of your early dates, you spend more time talking than you do watching a movie. Because if you get into a relationship over a long period of time, the longer you're in it, the more painful it's going to be to get out of it.

57:55Anybody want to agree with that one? The longer you're in it, the more painful it is to get out of it. If you want to find out quickly, do we have spirituality? We have Purpose Unity? Motionally healthy. I mean, he's got biceps, but forget it, man, that's about all he's got. All right, he dresses nice. Let me give you some ending advice. Proverbs 6, look here on the screen. This is a passage actually talking about financial commitment, but it applies here too. If you have trapped yourself in an agreement called dating, and you're caught by whatever you said, quick, get out of it immediately. Swallow your pride, go and get your name released. Don't put it off. Do it now. Don't rest until you do.

58:57Shoot, blame me. Pastor Rick told me to do it. I don't mind being the heavy. Proverbs 28, 23 on the screen. In the end, people appreciate frankness more than flattery. So what I suggest you do is you don't keep prolonging a relationship that you know is going nowhere. If you know, it's going nowhere. Don't continue it. Well, I won't have anybody to take me out on Friday night. A bad marriage is a million times worse than not going out on Friday night. And the longer you're in a relationship, the more difficult it's going to be to get out of it. Does that make sense? So kind of size them up quickly. Write these down. Put them on the little card. Pull them out the first date. Let me ask you this, Christy. Do you have uncontrolled anger? No, I don't.

1:00:04Are you selfish? Can we talk about me? Are you greedy? Would you pick up the cab? Summer's almost over, so don't waste your last grill nights on a grocery store run. With good ranchers, premium American beef, chicken, and pork, show up at your door, ready for the grill. Good ranchers delivers 100% American meat from trusted farms and ranches with no added hormones or antibiotics. Every order from good ranchers arrives vacuum sealed, frozen, and ready when you are. So dinner is simple and the grill stays busy. Go to goodranchers.com. That's GoodRanchers.com and build your box today. Before Summer's gone, make the last cookout count with good ranchers. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust Fiber-Sement Party Backer Board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking, and help block moisture. Chosen in over 40 million kitchen's and bathrooms, Party Backer Board, what the best build on.

1:01:05Shop now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and floor into core stores. For more information, visit JamesHearty.com slash HeartyBacker. You can figure this one out pretty quick. You don't have to be that blunt, but... If you want to get married, God bless you. The Bible says he who finds a wife finds it's a good thing. It's a good blessing. It is a blessing. There's a blessing of God. You need to begin a personal relationship with Jesus Christ yourself. If you haven't done that, you need to start there. You need to get spiritually connected to God. Get that third leg of the stool already in your life. And then I want to challenge all of you tonight to commit yourselves to God's standard. I will not let oceans of emotion sway me into making a stupid decision. I mean, given the right situation, as I said, you can get a quiver in your liver.

1:02:07Woo! That frills me. And you fall in love with the idea of being in love. But don't make a stupid decision. Don't date until your own emotional hurts or healed, or at least in the healing process. And we can help you do that. Pastor Brad and Pastor Tommy and all of our other pastors can help you. We've got all kinds of groups to help you. Deal with those things. Get them done. Get them settled. Close the door. Get rid of the bitterness. Get rid of that. You got an anger problem? Fine. You can get rid of an anger problem. I've helped thousands of people get rid of an anger problem. But don't carry that with you. I remember marrying a couple many, many years ago here at Saddlebacken. About five years later, we had him over for dinner. And the woman told me she said, you know, Rick, when I walked down that aisle and that white dress, she said, I had no idea that I was carrying an entire bag of emotional garbage on my back.

1:03:08And I took all that garbage into a marriage. Friends, marriage does not create problems. It reveals them. You need to write that one down. Marriage doesn't create problems. It reveals them. The problem was already there. In you or in your boyfriend or girlfriend, it was already there. And the more you can deal with it before you get married, the happier your marriage is going to be. The more God honoring, the more fulfilling it's going to be. And you will have that deep soul intimacy that is personal. It is relational. It is sexual. It is spiritual. It is the oneness that comes from being unified in our relationship to God, our relationship to our purpose, our relationship to our calling, our relationship to each other. Discover and clarify your mission first.

1:04:08Get involved in a church. If you're not a part of Saddleback Church, welcome. We welcome you to be a part of Saddleback now. You're not going to go find what you want sitting at home and you're not going to go find it in singles bar either. Go slow. Find out all you can about their family background. And then once you've decided to get married, get pre-emarrital counseling. There's so much more I could say but our time's up. Let's bow our heads. Father, we've got all kinds of needs represented here in this place. We've got some marriage couples who are struggling with their relationships. There are single adults who've been heard in a previous marriage. They're those who'd love to be married but the opportunity hasn't arisen. Regardless of our situation, help us to realize what we need most is to turn to you, Jesus.

1:05:08And follow your instructions. Help us to realize we always create unnecessary problems when we ignore what you tell us to do. And it's very clear what you've told us to do. Who to avoid in life. And there are marriages that are represented here tonight that are hurting because there's no spiritual oneness. But there are also a lot of single adults here who have the ache of loneliness in their heart. I love them, Lord. This church loves them. We love them. And I thank you for bringing them to our church family. And as a pastor of this flock, I ask you to bring healing to my flock. Bring healing to those of my family here who are hurting and bring hope to those who feel hopeless right now of ever getting married. You are a miracle working God. And I ask you to make some miraculous changes in people's lives and in their relationships today.

1:06:11For those who need to courage to end a relationship that's going nowhere. Kitchen and bathroom professionals know what goes behind the tile matters. That's why trade pros trust Fiber cement party backer board to keep tile firmly in place, resist cracking and held block moisture. Chosen over 40 million kitchens and bathrooms, party backer board, what the best build on. Shop now at participating home depot, lows and floor into core stores. For more information, visit James Hardy dot com slash Hardy backer. Help them to speak the truth and love that in the end people appreciate frankness more than flattery. Now you pray. Say, Father, I need your help in my relationships. First, I need you to work on me. So you've gone through this list. There's some stuff I need to work on. You know where I'm insecure.

1:07:13You know where I ache. You know where I hurt. You know where I need to heal and change. And you know the needs that only you can meet in my life. And I want to trust you to be my savior. Not some man. And not some girl. I want to trust you to be my savior, not anybody else. Help me to clarify my life purpose. The reason you put me on this earth. Help me to build spiritual partnerships. To connect with other believers. Thank you for bringing me to this great church family. If you're married here tonight, I'd ask you to just pray. Lord, help me to build spiritual oneness with my spouse. And for those of you who are single, say, Lord, today, I commit to your standards for choosing a mate.

1:08:14If I ever decide to marry, I want to do it your way and on your terms. And I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen. Now at participating Home Depot, Lowe's, and Florida Course Stores. For more information, visit JamesHearty.com slash hearty backer.