Rick Warren - 8 Qualities You Must Develop In Relationships, According to the Bible

0:00You will make more friends in two months being interested in others than you will in two years of trying to be interesting. People are waiting for people to be interested in them. Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested. The world is looking for people who will be interested in them. There is an epidemic of loneliness in our world. I don't know if you have been reading about it. I probably read 20, 30, 40 articles this week on the epidemic of loneliness all around the world. The fact that over half of America and poll after poll has said, I am lonely. At every age and stage of life, little children say, great school kids say, I am lonely. Teenagers say, I am lonely. Young adults say, I am lonely. Elderly people say, I am lonely. Over half of Americans at every stage and age of life say, I am lonely.

1:06That is an epidemic. We have never had those numbers ever in the history of the United States of America. It is worse in some other countries. The number of British citizens who say, I am lonely, has now risen to 68%. It is such an epidemic that the Prime Minister of England, last year, appointed a new cabinet officer called the Minister of Loneliness. I am not making this up. They have a cabinet minister for loneliness because 68% of the breads say, I am lonely. We find this in country after country after country. I was talking to our high school pastor Jason this week. He told me he was recently at a high school student camp and they asked kids who were lonely to stand up, maybe a thousand kids at this camp. He said, about 80% of the kids stood up saying, I experience loneliness on a regular basis. Part of it is social media itself.

2:07Rather than going out on a Saturday night, you stay home and you look at your screen on what everybody else is doing. You talk about it. There is this fear of missing out, phomo, fear of missing out. That is a plaguing generation Z, which is the first generation to grow up without having screens, phones all of the time. Now the Bible has a lot to say about loneliness. In fact, it starts in the first couple chapters when God says it is not good for a man to be alone. So the first thing God said was not good about the earth. God hates loneliness. Loneliness, if you have loneliness in your life, that is not part of God's plan for your life. We were made in the image of God, which means we are relational. And because we are relational, human beings are social creatures. We are made to be together.

3:07We are better together. We are not made to be solitary. And so the Bible has a lot to say. I went through all of the scriptures this week that deal with loneliness, with friend, friendship, friendliness. There are literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of verses in the Bible about the importance of you having friends. You need them not just for your happiness, you need them for your health. Studies have shown that the fewer friends you have, the sooner you are more likely to die. That it is unhealthy for you to not have healthy friendships in your life. God made us for relationships. We are going to look today at a ton, literally a ton of Bible verses on how to form healthy relationships. There are a lot of different kinds of friendships. Specifically, I would categorize a couple being close friendships and casual friendships. If you want to write this on your outline, casual friends, okay, casual friends in your life may be the result of my circumstances.

4:15When I have, you know, meet people at work or I meet people at school or I meet people in the neighborhood or I meet people in some sports, you know, kids in soccer, etc. Those are typically casual relationships because they are just people that you happen to bump into, you run into. Those are the casual relationships that come as a result of circumstances. But your closest friends should not be the result of circumstances. They should be the result of choices. My choices, not my circumstances, but my choices. Your close friends should not be accidental. You should choose them wisely because you can't be close to everybody. Now, the fact is that closer I am to people in my life and the closer people are to me in my life, the greater the impact, the greater the influence they're going to have on my life. The people who are closest to you are obviously going to influence your life a whole lot more than the people who are simply casual acquaintances.

5:15Now, if that's true and the people who are closest to you, better be influencing you for good and for God because it's dangerous. So I should choose my closest friends wisely. Now, the Bible has a lot to say about this. They're on your outline. I just put one verse, Proverbs 12, verse 26 says this. A righteous person is cautious in friendship. I mean, you're choosy. You're selective. You don't just arbitrary. Anybody can be close to me. A righteous person is cautious in friendship because the ways of evil people can lead them to do wrong. Now, what I want us to look at this weekend is forming healthy relationships. And I want us to do a couple things. I want us to look at the kind of people you should not choose because the Bible has a lot to say about that. Kind of people should not be your closest friends. And then look at the kind of qualities you should look for in your closest friends.

6:15And then I want to give you some building blocks, the eight or so building blocks of how do you build healthy lifelong friendships, satisfying friendships in life. Now, assisting me is going to be Pastor Kurt Johnson. Pastor Kurt Johnson is our senior student pastor of all of our... He used to be junior high pastor, then he was over junior high and senior high. Now he's over college, junior, senior high, children's ministry. He's basically our family and life development pastor. And a number of years ago, Kurt wrote a book on this. He wrote a book on how to build friendships and facts here. What it looks like. And it's for students. And I was reading that book and I said, man, I should just let him preach because it was really good stuff. One of the things that's in that book is this circle thing. Maybe. There it is. And Kurt talks about a four different circles. He says, you know, on the outer circle are your casual friends.

7:16That's your biggest circle, so there's room for a lot of them. Now you don't spend a lot of time with these people, but they're your casual friends. But you don't see in that much, so there's a limited influence you on them and them on you. A little bit in, and the next circle in is what he calls your close friends. And there's not as much room for as many, because you can't be a close friend to everybody. And so you don't have as many in that circle, but you have more time spent together with your close friends. And there is increased influence you on them and them on you. But then he said, there's an inner circle that's right around you that he calls your core friends. I'd never heard this for, but I like this phrase. Your core friends. And you only have room for a handful of those three, four, five or so of your core friends. You get lots of time spent together. There's high influence on each other. Now, while I like Kurt's circles, this is exactly what Jesus did.

8:18Jesus loved everybody. He fed the 5,000. He trained 120. He discipled 12. He mentored 3. Say it again. Jesus loved everybody. There was nobody Jesus didn't love. He fed the 5,000. He trained 120. He discipled 12. He mentored 3. Only Peter, James and John got to go in the garden and got to go up on the Mount of Transfiguration. Only Peter, James and John got to see Jesus heal Peter's mother-in-law. Was Jesus playing favors? Yes, he was. He was spending the maximum amount of time with those who would bear the maximum responsibility. Later, in the book of Galatians, Paul says, Peter, James and John, he calls them different James, but Peter, James, John, the pillars of the church. Obviously it worked. He invested the maximum time with the people who would bear the maximum responsibility. He had the greatest impact on the people he spent the most time with, and they ended up being leaders.

9:24So you need to go home and make this circle list, because some of you are stressed out, because you have too many VDPs and you don't have enough VIPs in your life. You know the difference. VIPs are very inspirational people. VDPs are very draining people. Don't look at them. Be cool. When you have more VDPs than you have VIPs in your life, that's called stress, friend. When you have more draining people in your life, and if the draining people are the closest, guess what? You're out of energy. You're out of gas. So while this is a message that I want to teach parents how to help their kids have healthy relationships, all you big grown-up kids need this too. And you need to go home and you need to be more intentional about your friendships. And you might go home and say, who's in my casual circle? And write their names in.

10:28And who's in my close circle? And who's in my core? And should they be there? Should somebody else be in my core? If you'll do this, you will find your fulfillment level going up and your stress level going down. Because my guess is you've probably got too many of the wrong people in the wrong circle. So Kurchg going to help me with this message. Now first, I want us to look at what the Bible says you're not to choose as close friends. Who are you to not choose? Because the Bible says a righteous person is cautious in friendship because they can influence you if they're really close. And God says that there are some people that you should avoid. Now this is just a partial list. I'm only going to give you five or six people. There are others. You can go through the book of Proverbs and get all the rest of them. But let me just give you five or six people who should not be your closest friends according to what God says. Now before I say that, would you agree that the wrong people can pull you down?

11:32If I'm standing here on this stage and you're standing down there, is it easier for me to pull you up or for you to pull me down? There's no question. Okay, it's law gravity. It's easier for you to pull me down and to pull you up. This is why I don't believe in missionary dating. You know, well, I'm going to bring them to the Lord through our dating life. I'm sure that's what he's thinking. Praise the Lord. So have any of you ever seen anybody messed up by the wrong friends? Yeah, yeah, of course you have. So I don't have to make this point to you. You know it's true that there are some people you shouldn't have as your close friends. Look up here on the screen. Proverbs 18, 24 says this. These are friends who destroy each other. Have you ever seen a couple of friends destroy each other? Yeah, they weren't real friends.

12:34They were competing with each other. They were fighting with each other. They were nagging at each other. They were detrimental to each other. They were pulling each other down. Those aren't real friends. So let me just give you a partial list of five or six kinds of people should not be your closest friends. Number one, we're not going to spend a lot of time on these because I want to get to the positive stuff. Number one, people who like to argue. Really? That's what the Bible says. People who like to argue should not be your closest friends. If you notice that some people love conflict, they get energized by it. Fighting makes them come alive. It's like they're not even alive unless they're in the middle of a fight. And they're always against something. There's that kind of warrior spirit of, they just like to fight. And wherever they go, they cause conflict. They're irritating. They're agitating. God says, you don't hang out with those kind of people. Proverbs 20 verse 3, any fool can start arguments. The honorable thing is to stay out of them. Circle the word stay out. Somebody starts getting an argument in your office, walk away.

13:44Says the wise thing, the honorable, the wise thing is to stay out of them. Number two, here's another. This is really going to be touchy. People who gossip. Well, they just went on my friends. You say, you're thinking that people who gossip. Did you know that God hates gossip? He hates gossip. He hates gossiping. He says it's detrimental. He says the gossiper is the friend to the saboteur. They sabotage relationships. Gossips are destructive. And the Bible judges the sin of gossip very, very harshly. What is gossip? Let me give you definition. Gossip is sharing information when you're neither part of the problem, nor part of the solution. Uh oh. Sharing, damaging information when you're neither part of the problem, nor part of the solution. And for Christians, the worst part is when we guide gossip as a prayer request.

14:48I'd like for you to pray about this. What I heard about so and so. It's been on my heart to pray about this. Well, don't use prayer as an excuse to gossip. The Bible says in Proverbs 20 verse 19, stay away from gossip. They can't keep a secret. And they tell everything. So stay away from people who like to argue, stay away from people who gossip. Number three, you're to stay away and not have as close as friends, people who flatter others. People who flatter others. Now what is flattery? Flattery is false praise. Flattery is insincere compliments. Flattery is the person who kisses up to the boss at work. And then behind them says the exact opposite about that boss. They they they they they they they they lay it on. They're kissing up there. They're hypocritically appealing to ego. And when you see people flattering, whether it's a girl or a guy on the school campus, kissing up to the most popular person, or whether it's an adult doing it in an office situation, or a sale situation.

16:04The Bible says you need to run the opposite way. Stay away from flatters. Proverbs 29 verse 5 says this, flattery is a trap. Evil people get caught in it. But good people avoid it and are free. I don't have time to go into this, but the Bible says that people who flatter you actually hate you. That flattery is disguised hatred. And they'll say one thing to your face, well look at these verses. You ever met any people like this? Here's a verse. Proverbs 64 verse 2, they are friendly to my face, but they cursed me in their hearts and they delight in telling lies about me. Their entire reality shows built on that verse. Where they say something to your face and flatter you. Oh, you look so great. And then or here's another one. Look at this verse. Psalm 109 verse 5, for being friendly and kind, they paid me back with meanness and hatred.

17:05Mean girls. Mean boys. This happens on every campus, but it happens in adulthood to the Bible says stay away from people who flatter you. Number 4, you should stay away and not have as your closest friends, people who can't control their temper. The Bible has a lot to say about the rage of holic. The rage of holic. Now you could be two different ways to express rage. Be a mute and be a martyr or be a manic and be a mount of a subius. Everybody's either a skunk or a turtle. And when you get angry, turtles pull into a shell and pour me and they, you know, everybody hates me. Nobody loves me. I'm going to go eat worms. And you have a pity party and you invite me myself and I. Or you can be mount Vesuvius or you can be a skunk when a skunk is upset, they let everybody know it. And they stink up the whole place. The Bible says people who can't control their temper. They should not be your closest friends.

18:10Okay, they're hotheaded, you know, short fused that they, they're volatile. They're rash. They blow up quickly. They're easily upset. This is what the Bible says. I promise 22 verse 24 and 25. Don't make friends with hot tempered people with a hot tempered person. Don't associate with anyone easily angered. They get ticked off it, everything. You have to walk on egg shells around them. Or don't, don't associate with those who are easily angered or you'll learn to be like them and not able to change anger like a lot of other emotions is contagious loneliness is contagious. Depression is contagious. A lot of things are contagious. A lot of emotions are contagious. If you hang, the people you hang out with, that's what you're going to become like. Now, you say, well, I don't know anybody hot tempered people. Are you listening to talk radio? Because they're all on that. Are you watching talk TV? There are some shows you, if you find your blood pressure rising, you just shouldn't listen to. All they're doing is feeding rage inside you.

19:16We're going to come back and talk about this next month. But that's another one. Let me give you one more. A couple more. Here's one. People who steal or shoplift. Now, I don't know many adults who know people who shoplift them, but a lot of teenagers know teenagers who are shoplifting. But there are people who stealing their office blind and everybody knows it. The thieves, the Bible says, are self-centered. And if they steal from others, you know what? I'll steal from you. So you don't want them to be your closest friend. People who steal or shoplift. Look at this verse up here on the screen. Proverbs 1 verses 13 to 15. This is what they say. They say, come on. Let's take all kinds of valuable things. Okay, you know, the all the resources at the office. Let's fill our houses with stolen goods. Come join us. We'll share the stolen goods. But do not go along with them and do not do what they do. He says, you know, just stay away from those people. And you know, if you have a teenager who has a friend who has a shoplifter, you need to show them that verse.

20:24All right, let me give you one more. This one's the tough one of all. Number six. I should not have as my closest friend believers who sin sexually. Believers. Notice I didn't say unbelievers. I said believers who sin sexually. Why not everybody? Well, let me give you a principle. You might write this down here. It's on the screen. Never expect unbelievers to act like believers until they are. This is why I don't believe in trying to make laws to make non-Christian, act like Christians or make unbelievers act like believers. Why? The Bible says they don't have the power to change. The whole book of Romans was written to say that until Christ is in my life, I don't have the power to change things with me. So to expect other people, to act like people who have God's power in their life, is getting the cart before the horse. Never expect an unbeliever to act like a believer until they are. I don't. God doesn't. And you shouldn't.

21:24But here's what the Bible says. Look up here on the screen. First Corinthians 5, 9 to 11. Paul says, you know, when I told you not to associate with people who indulge in sexual sin, I wasn't talking about unbelievers who indulge in sexual sin because you'd have to leave this whole world to void all of them. The what I meant was you're not associated with anyone who claims to be a Christian and yet indulges in sexual sin or is greedy or abusive or gets drunk. Don't even eat with such people. Why? Because they're a bad witness because they are a bad representation of Christ. Any of those four things, he says, it's not a good representation of Jesus. And if you call yourself Christian and you hang out with somebody else who claims to be a Christian but is acting in a non-Christ-like way, he goes, that's a problem. So those are some people were to stay away from. But the Bible also has a lot of positive advice on the kind of people you should choose as your closest friend.

22:28And Pastor Kurt is going to come and talk about that. Welcome him. Well, I'm not sure if you caught it a moment ago, but Rick gave us all a homework assignment. Did you know he gave us homework assignment? If you weren't paying attention in class, I'm going to put the homework assignment back up on the screen if we can put the picture of the circles back up on the screen. And if you have a phone, take out your phone and take a picture of that. Take a picture of that. And that will remind you as you're scrolling through your photos or looking at your phone that Rick gave us an assignment. And that is to, at some point in the near future, to do some evaluating of our friendships and who's in what circle. And do we like what we see? Because our friends have a great influence on us. Now Rick has spent some time talking about the casual and the close and what I want to spend a little bit of time today is talking about who do we choose as those core friends.

23:29Rick mentioned the closer they are, the more influence they have on us. We've only got room for a handful of core friends, men and women friends who make a strong impact and have a close influence on our lives. So the question is, how do I decide who should be a core friend, especially if they're going to have some extra influence? Now again, there's all sorts of qualities. All sorts of important qualities that we should consider when we're picking our core friends. I'm going to focus on three that scripture seems to give a little bit extra attention to. So here are three qualities to look for in your core friends. First, choose friends who encourage me spiritually. Choose friends who encourage me spiritually. First Thessalonians 5-11 says this. Encourage one another and build each other up. Now here's the thing. This verse isn't talking about compliments. There's a difference between compliments and encouragement. Compliments are nice, but they tend to be shallow.

24:29A compliment, oh, Kurt, your teeth look really shiny tonight, right? That's a compliment. Kurt, you look a little less bald than last time I saw you. Okay, thank you. That's nice. I'm glad you said that, but that's not encouragement. That's a compliment. Encouragement are things that go a little bit deeper. A little bit further below the surface. Encouragement matters a little bit more and carries more significance than a compliment. And God wants us to surround ourselves our most core friends with people who are a source of encouragement. Now the dictionary defines encouragement this way. The action of giving someone support confidence or hope. That's encouragement. The action of giving someone support confidence or hope. I like this other definition. It's a lesser known definition of encouragement. It's simply this. To fill the heart. Encouragement is to fill the heart. When you give somebody support, when you give somebody confidence, when you're a source of hope, what you're doing is you are filling their heart.

25:38Now, a couple quick examples. When I was in high school in college, one of my core friends, we had this group of core friends. And like what happens in a lot of friendship circles, there's always one that seems to kind of miss out on the information. This was back when you actually had to pick up a phone that was attached to a cord that was attached to the wall and make a phone call. And so because of all the effort that went into being good friends back in the day, this one friend would always get left out. And for some reason, when he was left out, I was a person he would call. And there was almost this routine in our friendship where we would go out and do something. We would forget about our one friend and I would get the phone call and it would go something like this. Ring ring. Hello. Hey, Kurt. I heard you guys went to Disneyland last night. You didn't invite me. Real cool. Jump and he'd hang up. Click. Ring ring. Hey, Kurt. I heard you guys went to the movies last night. Didn't invite me. Real cool. Jump. Click. I mean, it's on. It was a routine. I was so afraid of I couldn't do anything without upsetting my friend for him not being included.

26:52Ring ring. Hey, Kurt. I heard you folded your underwear last night. Didn't invite me. Real cool. I mean, no matter what we did, if he wasn't included, it was this issue. And when I start thinking about encouragement and I had to make the decision, is my friend somebody who gives me support, confidence and hope? Or is he a source of tension? As I evaluated my circle of friends, I had to make a decision that maybe that's not somebody I want in my core circle. He didn't fill my heart. One of my good friends right now, Eddie, lives in Atlanta. We hardly ever see each other. And yet every time I'm with Eddie Northern, every time whether it's for coffee or an extended weekend together, when I'm in Atlanta or he's here on business, if I spend five minutes, 50 minutes, five hours with Eddie, I walk away and my heart is full. He just has a way of encouraging me and supporting me and breathing confidence into my life. Those are the kind of friends that God says you should have closest to you.

28:01So choose friends who encourage me spiritually. You see, part of feeling lonely and as Pastor Rick so perfectly set up this whole topic, loneliness is a big, big struggle. In fact, current statistics say that 65% of 12 to 17 year olds, 65% experience loneliness on a regular basis. It's a big deal. And part of this loneliness that we feel is because our hearts aren't filled up. We feel lonely because we don't have the kind of friendships that fill our hearts. We have friendships that are full of some of these other negative things that Pastor Rick encouraged us to avoid. Here's a second quality. In your core friends, it's a choose friends who consistently support me emotionally. Choose friends who consistently support me emotionally. I love this first Proverbs 17, 17 says this. A friend loves you all the time. Do me a favor and underline that. All the time. A friend loves you all the time like a brother born to help in trouble.

29:10Now, it's been said that a true friend and how you judge your true friends is a true friend walks in when everybody else walks out. That when you're going through trouble, you know your friends by the people who walk into your life versus the people who tend to walk out. So what does it look like to walk in to somebody's life? Here's what walking in means. You might want to just jot these down someplace. Walking in means saying, I'm here with you. Not just I'm here for you. You know what's the difference? I'm here with you. Not just, hey, if you need anything, I know you're going to have a tough time. If you need anything, I'm here for you. When you say I'm here for you, you're putting all the burden on them to reach out to you in their moment of need. When you say I'm here with you, what you're saying is I'm going to be proactive. I'm going to walk this journey with you. I will be with you every step of the way and you look for ways to model that you're there with them. Walking in means listening. The best emotional support that you can give somebody is usually just a sit and be quiet. When people are going through a tough time, less words, more listening.

30:19Saying I'm here with you means I'm listening to what you have to say. And I'm willing to be with you in it. Walking in means serving your friends. Walking in means serving your friends. Looking for ways to proactively be an emotional support, a physical support, whatever it is that they might need you to be. Third, choose friends who challenge me to think, oh, this is the tough one. This is the tough one. If I can be honest with me, just the two of us. Just me and you. I don't like this one. God wants me to choose friends who challenge me to think. Proverbs 13, 20 says if you keep company with wise friends, you'll become wise. But if you make friends with foolish people, your life will fall to pieces. You see, I like to be friends with people who kind of think like I do. I like to be friends with people who have some of the same dumb beliefs, dumb opinions, strange world view. I like people who are like me.

31:27And when somebody starts pushing up against that, I have a tendency to fight it. I don't want to be challenged. Come on. If you're really my friend, just kind of agree with me. Put up with me. I'm kind of half baked and dumb idea sometimes. And you should be okay with that. You know, dumb and dumb are great movie, great movie. Not a good recipe for healthy friendships. Right? Dumb and Dumb or doesn't make for healthy friendships. I need people in my life. You need people in your life who are willing, not in an argument of judgment away. But friends who are willing to call you on your stuff. Iron sharpens iron. One of my very best core friends is actually the gentleman that co-wrote the book that Pastor Rick talked about earlier with me. And if you were to say that three or four most important life issues, Mark and I would agree 100% of the time on those three or four core life issues.

32:30Of the three or four million non-essential life issues, Mark and I would disagree about 99.9% of the time. We just see things differently. We've experienced our faith differently. We've raised our kids differently. The way he and his wife navigate things is different than the way my wife and I navigate things. He has two children that their exact same age as our kids. The way they've raised their kids is different than the way we've raised our kids. And we have had over the years these passionate, wonderful, challenging, stretching, confusing conversations and moments and times where we get eye to eye and need and need and say, bro, here's what I think about that. Here's what I'm seeing. Here's where I differ and the result has been wonderful. It's been wonderful. I'm a better dad because he's challenged me. I'm a better husband because he sees things differently about marriage than I do. I'm a better follower of Jesus because he has experienced his faith in some ways that are different than my journey and has added this layer of richness and this layer of depth to my life.

33:45The easy thing in friendships is just the surrender cells of like-minded people, verse of a feather flock together. That's the easiest route to take. It's the road of least resistance. But if you want rich, meaningful, life-giving, heart-filling relationships, I would encourage you to take God's advice and choose friends who challenge you to think. Now that homework that Rick mentioned is something I'm going to ask you to do. As we kind of move through some more parts of this message this week, this week sometime. I'm going to ask you to take a look at that picture, maybe draw it out on an applicant or a piece of paper, write out those casual friends. Write out the close friends in regards to these three things. Take a look at who you put in your core friend category and ask yourself, do these people, do they encourage me spiritually? Do they support me emotionally and do they challenge me to think?

34:51Thanks, Rick. Let me give you a sentence to write down that kind of summarizes everything Kurt and I are trying to say. My best friends should bring out the best in me. My best friends should bring out the best in me. If they're not bringing out the best in you, they're not really your best friends. Somebody else should be your best friends. If your best friends aren't bringing out the best, they're not your best. So write that down and when you're looking at your friendships and do an evaluation on that, think about that. Are these my best friends? Are they bringing out the best in me or not? Now, let's switch gears and talk about the opposite and that is this. Here's another sentence you might want to write down. To have great friends, I must be a great friend. You might write that one down. That's where we're going now in the next part of this message. To have great friends, I have to be a great friend. I can't expect people to be to me what I'm not being to them.

35:58And so, whatever I want other people to do with me, I need to do with them, you will attract what you are. If you're a great friend, guess what? You will attract great friends. So that's a factor that we need to look at now. Let's look at eight building blocks on how to be a great friend according to the Bible, according to what God says. And he's always going to be right. So let's just go through these eight. I'm going to take some of them, Kurt's going to take some of them. Number one, the building blocks of close relationships, eight factors for forming friendships. Number one, be cheerful, greet people with a smile. Now, that may seem common, obvious. But when you take a friend for granted, you often don't smile at them. There is an enormous power in a simple smile. A smile can change an atmosphere overnight. Instantly, it can change a room. The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

37:03A smile is a universal language. It is known all around the world. If you smile at somebody else, guess what? They're going to smile back at you. You don't have to know their language, but if you smile, they will smile. It is the one thing that's understood besides the international finger of disapproval. Everybody knows that one, too. But this is the better one that everybody knows. And that is, if you smile at somebody, they're going to smile back. It's a universal language. The great thing about a smile, it costs nothing. But you can cheer up somebody who's having a tough time just by smiling at that clerk, at that grocery store stock person. And anybody you come across with walking down the street, you know, the post office person or whatever. Studies have shown that when you smile, you actually become cuter. Well, there you go. You don't have to lose that weight after all this starched violin. If you smile, you will be more attractive.

38:11Study after study after study. Say, when a person smiles, they instantly become more attractive. How'd that work? I don't think so. That one of the smiles, that was a grin. I think sour-pussed Christians are an insult to the joy of God. They looked like they were baptized in vinegar. And they just go, come on. They walk around with these long faces. They're an embarrassment to God. How many of you are happy? Can I see your hands? You're really happy. How many of you are thrilled that you're saved and you're going to heaven? All right. Okay. Notify your face. You know, it only takes seven muscles to smile. It takes 42 to frown. If you're frowning, you're wasting a lot of energy. Now, notice what the Bible says. Proverbs 15, verse 30. A cheerful look brings joy to the heart.

39:15Now, here's an interesting thing about that verse. We think the opposite. A cheerful heart brings a smile to the face. But the Bible says the opposite. A cheerful heart brings a smile to the face. But this verse says, a cheerful face, a cheerful look brings joy to the heart. Did you know that your facial muscles can change the mood of your heart? That when you don't feel happy, if you'll just start smiling, it will change your mood. I guarantee you, study after scientific study has shown that when you actually start smiling, then it'll actually change your mood. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving the church to preach on Sunday morning. And I didn't feel like preaching. I just like to stay home watch football. Now, that I've already done that a few times. So, how about now? Somebody, and what I do is I just start smiling. And I look at myself in the mirror. I just start smiling. Hey, that guy's happy. Look at that guy. He's really, by the time I get here, I'm ready to smile at all of you.

40:31We think your heart has to change before you smile. God says, if you start smiling, it'll change your heart. Okay? So, when you get up in the morning, just start. Forced in that smile in your face. Now, by the way, while you're at it, use friendly language. Look at this next verse. The Lord is pleased with what? Friendly words, circle that. Did you know at any time you say a friendly word to anybody? It doesn't have to be some kind of witness. It's just a friendly word. God is pleased. The Lord is pleased with friendly words, Proverbs 15, 26. You know, the problem we have today is, you know, the world seems to be getting crankier and crankier. Would you agree with that? It just seems like everybody's in a cranky mood. And nobody wants to be a friend with a cranky person. I heard this week about a cranky cantankerous guy who came into a flower shop, a florist.

41:35And he was all upset because they'd gotten the order wrong. And he said, you got my order wrong. You made a mistake. I ordered flowers for my friend's new housewarming. And you sent a bouquet that said, rest in peace. And he was just being cranky. I turned to him and I said, well, just think about somewhere. There's a grave side that says, I hope you enjoy your new location. You got a problem? You think that's a problem? Somebody's got a worse problem than you do. So just start off smiling. You'll make friends just by smiling. If you'll just, you know, do that. I know, so that's gone hard, but you couldn't learn to do that. Number two, be comfortable. Second key to building friendships. Be comfortable. Relax and be yourself. That's the second key to building great friendships. Relax and be yourself. Be comfortable with you.

42:41You said, but Rick, if I be me, they might not like the real me. Well, if they're not going to like the real you, they're never going to be your friend in the first place. And if they don't like the real you, they don't deserve to be your friend. And if they don't like the way you really are, they're not worthy of your friendship. So any person you have to be somebody different than who you are to be their friend is not a friend. They're not a friend. So if you can't just be who you are, then you don't want to miss a friend. They aren't worthy as a friend. And they're never going to be your friend in the first place. So go ahead and be yourself and that pretty quickly will determine who's a real friend and who's not. You have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. You have to think you're worthy. If you missed last week's message on identity, go back and listen to that about that you have something significant to give to the world.

43:43Go back and listen to that again and on those five reasons why you know you can feel good about you. Jesus in Matthew 2239 said this, the second greatest command in the whole Bible is this. Love your neighbor as you love yourself. You can love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. You know why? Because if I don't like me and I don't feel good about me, I certainly don't want you feeling good about you. So I'm going to be constantly picking on you, tearing you down, pulling you down because I don't feel good about me. That's why anytime you find somebody in your family, an in law, a parent or anybody who's constantly picking picking, it just means one thing. They don't feel good about themselves. Hurt people, hurt people. Hurt people, hurt people. When somebody is hurting everybody else in the family, it means they need massive doses of love because they're hurting.

44:43Insincere people, whatever, everybody else to be insecure. So the constantly perfectionist, biting, arguing and nipping at everything. They're just revealing their own hurt. They're revealed hurt people hurt people. Jesus said, love your neighbors, you love yourself. You've got to be comfortable with you. And if you're not comfortable with you, that's why you don't have many friends. You just need to start realizing, as we talked about last week, God says, you are my masterpiece. I made you to be you and nobody else in the world could be you. That's one advantage you have over everybody else. Nobody can be you. Now, if you can't be around them, then it's not going to be real friendship. That's why you don't want these kind of friendships where you have to wear a mask. Second Corinthians 4 verse 2 says this, we refuse to wear masks and play games. We don't maneuver. We don't manipulate behind the scenes. I love that in the message translation.

45:44We're the real deal. We're not perfect, but what you see is what you get. We're authentic. We're the real deal. If you can't be real, then they're not going to be your friend anyway. Be cheerful, smile, use friendly language, but be yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin. Number three, be conversational. What do you mean by that? Be conversational by asking questions. Be conversational by asking questions. If you're talking with somebody, you're just meeting them for the first time and you're asking them questions about themselves, that's called the conversation. If you're talking to somebody and all you're doing is talking about yourself, that's called a monologue. That is not a conversation. When you're going in, you're trying to impress everybody with how cool you are, that's a monologue. That is not a way to make friends. The way you make friends is by asking questions. And why? Because questions shows you're interested in them. Philippians 2.4. Don't just think about your own affairs. But be interested in others. And in what they are doing. That's how you have friends. Be interested in others and what they're doing.

46:57Circle the phrase, be interested. I'm going to give you something if you don't get anything else. This is one of the most important keys to building solid, healthy friendships. Okay, so I'm going to ask you to write it down. The secret of making friends is to be interested, not interesting. The secret of making friends is to be interested in them, not interesting yourself. This is the biggest mistake people make in trying to find friends. They're trying to be interesting. We're trying to look cool, smell cool, sound cool, be cool, wear cool clothes, great cool hairdo. And we want to be the mysterious man of mystery or woman of mystery. And we want to be interesting. Stop trying to be interesting. Be interested. Be interested in them. You'll have plenty of friends. You will make more friends in two months being interested in others than you will in two years of trying to be interesting.

48:08Trying to be sexy, trying to be cool, trying to be people are waiting for people to be interested in them. And if you will be put aside your ego and be interested in them, how do you be interested in them? Ask questions. The more questions you ask, the more, you know, there are sometimes I'll sit down with somebody at some rubber-chickered dinner banquet that I have to go to. And I don't know them for Madam. But I'll just start asking serious questions. And I'll say hardly anything that night. They're talking the whole time they go away thinking, that Rick Warren, he's the greatest conversationalist there is. I haven't said hardly anything. I just got them talking. And I let them talk. Stop trying to be interesting. Start being interested. The world is looking for people who will be interested in them. And so that's a real key. You ask questions. There's a verse here on the screen. Write this down. Proverbs 20 verse 5. It says this.

49:08A person's thoughts are like water in a deep well. But with insight, you can draw them out. How do you draw people out? How do you get people to draw the insights and the thoughts out of people? Ask questions. Learn to ask questions. You might make a list of good questions you want to ask. And keep them in your pockets. When you're sitting on a plane next to somebody, you can say, well, what are those questions I wanted to ask? And you'll get, you'll involve them. Be interested. Be interested. Not trying to be interesting. Let me give you a fourth one. Be cheerful. Be comfortable. Be conversational. Number four. Be considerate. That's what good friends are. What does that mean? Listen well and empathize. You listen and you empathize. Listen well. And if everybody in the world is waiting to be listened to. And if you are a good listener, you're never going to lack for friends. If you're willing to just get out there and listen to people, you will never lack for friends. Why? Because listening is loving.

50:17When I listen to you, I'm giving you the most important thing in my life. My time and my attention. I could always get more money. But I can't get more time. I've only got a certain amount of time in my life and I've only got a certain amount of attention. When I give you my time and attention, I'm never getting that back. That's why right now you're giving me your time and attention. That's why I work so hard on these messages. Because I think it's a heavy burden to pass to church our size. Because I think if I waste an hour of 30,000 people this weekend, I have just effectively wasted 30,000 hours. That is a burden. I do not carry likely. You want it? I'll give it to you. You can preach next week. But I'm always thinking I don't want to waste people's time because time is your life. Wasting time is suicide. It's killing your life. You're not going to get any more time. When I give people my attention, I'm giving the most powerful thing I've got.

51:22People say, you know, husbands say, I don't understand my wife and kids. I give them everything they want. I buy them everything. What do they want? They want you. They want your attention. Did you know that the average dad, the latest study, spends seven seconds a day with his kids? That's not attention. That's why they're paying more attention to the screens. Seven seconds a day. So you pay attention. You listen. You impify. You pay attention. James 1 verse 19. Let everyone be quick to listen and slow to speak. Now typically we do the opposite of that. We're quick to speak and we're slow to listen. When you're in a friendship, you don't try to compete with your friend. One uping them. Well, their story, well, your story is better and their tale, your tale is better. They did this. Well, you did this better. That's not friendship. That's competition. But if you become a good listener, you're going to have plenty of friends. Romans 12 verse 5, 15, rejoiced with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. That's empathy. Do you know what empathy is?

52:33Empathy is not sympathy. Empathy, sympathy is says, I'm sorry you hurt. That's sympathy. I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy says, I hurt with you. That's the difference. Empathy is, I'm sorry you hurt. Empathy is, I hurt with you. Now there's a third level beyond that and that's to be like Jesus and that's compassion. Compassion is, I will do anything I can to stop your hurt. And repeatedly we find that Jesus was moved with compassion. I will do whatever it takes to stop your hurt even if it means going to the cross for you. I will die. That's how important you are to me. But when I'm saying here is if you're going to be a friend, you're going to have to learn how to share some emotion. You've got to be happy when they're happy, you've got to be sad when they're sad. You've got to enter into their emotion. You've got to be empathetic, you've got to share their feelings. Now, look, Kurt's going to come back just a second. But I want to say pause here and say something to those of your parents who still have kids at home.

53:35All these relational skills that Kurt and I are teaching this weekend, they need to be taught at home. They're certainly not going to be taught in a classroom at school. They need to be taught at home. And they need to be modeled and they need to be practiced. Where? It's called the family dinner. I know it's going the way of the dodo bird. Families don't eat dinner together anymore. And that's why kids are lonely because they haven't learned the skills of how to take your turn listening. They haven't learned the skills of how to ask questions. They haven't learned the skills of how to talk as an intelligent person with an adult, much less another kid. And I want to make a plea that if you're not having family dinners to re-institute them, they're the best way to teach relational skills. All right, just best way to teach them. Just sit around, eat dinner together, and talk. And you take turns listening.

54:36You take turns talking. And it has to be modeled. It has to be practiced. If you want kids' parents to have great, great friends, you want your kids to have great friends. You got to do three things. First, you got to model attention and listening skills. Like I said, eat dinner together. You got to spend some time interacting in conversation, not seven seconds a day. And you've got to be willing, this is tough, to transport your kids to their friends. Now, if you're not willing to take your kids to their friends' house, or not willing to bring the kids to your house, don't complain when they're talking to each other on the screen. If that's the only way they can get together. Because you're not willing to let them have face-to-face connections. So it means a sacrifice. I had the sacrifice, some of my kids, some of my time, to let my kids learn social skills. But that's what's called being a dad. It's called being a father. Now, if I'm always looking at a screen phone as an adult, and my kids see me doing that,

55:46I can't complain that they're always looking at it, whether it's a video game or something else. Don't blame them for not having friends. If I don't help them make contact with anybody, they can't drive themselves. So there is a parental role here. Real quickly, let's add a few more keys to building healthy friendships. The fifth one is to be consistent. Specifically, you can be consistent by sticking with them in tough times. Stick with them in tough times. If you're known for being consistent, you'll be known for being a good friend. Proverbs 1824 says there are friends who pretend to be friends, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother, talking about consistency. Job 614 says a despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though he for sakes the fear of the Almighty. Now, if you're unfamiliar with Job, Job is a gentleman who had it all. And when he had it all, he had lots of friends, and then the wheels began to fall off the cart, and he lost it all.

56:53And Job quickly realized that as he was losing it all, his friends were abandoning him. There was not a, I am with you in this moment. There wasn't a consistency. If you're unfamiliar with that, there's an entire book of the Bible dedicated, and you will learn a ton about healthy friendships if you look at the life of Job. A 6 key to building healthy friendships is to be confidential. Don't gossip about them. Past a rickshaw already hit on this. So here's my pro tip. Just a quick short little pro tip is this. Your gossip will find you out. Your gossip will find you out. If you think you're gossiping and secret, you will become known for being a gossip. Your friends will figure it out, and that will hinder your friendships together. These verses speak to that. Proverbs 11, 13, a true friend will keep a secret. And obviously, just as a side note, there are times when a true friend can't keep a secret, right?

57:53We know that, but we're talking about those healthy confidences. When people are opening their heart and they're sharing their struggle, that's the kind of stuff that you hold confident. You want to be a safe sounding board. When somebody shares secrets that are dangerous or harmful or hurtful, that's a time where the best thing you can do is to break that confidence and not to hold that secret. Proverbs 11, 13 says this, no one who gossip can be trusted. Your gossip will find you out. But you can put your confidence in someone who is trustworthy. A seventh key to building healthy friendships is to be candid. Always tell the truth. Now, here's the thing. That is not an excuse to be a jerk. Some of the most hurtful words a friend has ever said to another friend is, I was just being honest. Why are you so upset? I was just telling you the truth. It's not an excuse to be a jerk. There's a verse in the Bible that says, the wounds of a friend bring healing. So there will be times in a healthy friendship where you have to be truthful and that truth might sting a little bit.

59:00But when you're saying it in love, when you're saying the truth in a way that when the dust settles, your friend knows that you're still a source of hope, support, encouragement, you're filling their heart. The truth, even when it's hurtful, can bring healing and strengthen a friendship. Proverbs 24, 26, an honest answer is a sign of true friendship. And then eight, and we could summarize the entire message on how to be a healthy friend and how to build healthy friendships is simply this, be Christlike. Be Christlike. And one of the best ways for us to try to be Christlike is to love them unconditionally. To love people unconditionally in a world that begs for us to achieve and to try to earn approval and to prove our worth. When people know that you're somebody who just loves them for who they are, they will be drawn to you and you'll have a chance to build some really great friendships.

1:00:06Romans 157 says, except each other just as Christ accepted you. All the research shows, all the research shows, the antidote to loneliness. The primary antidote to loneliness is healthy friendships. Over and over and over and over again, the antidote to loneliness is healthy friendships. And the key to healthy friendships is to look at the model and Jesus Christ is the model. Jesus modeled what it means to be a good friend. And when you can begin to love people like Jesus loved people, what you'll begin to do is become a person who fills the hearts of others. That's it. That's all I need. As we close, let me just ask you a couple questions. Are your friends helping or hindering your spiritual growth?

1:01:12You know, dating the wrong person can cause you to miss God's purpose. Are you a great friend to others? Which of these eight building blocks that we just went through, do you need to work on yourself? Which of your friends do you need to invite to church? I want to close with one last verse in John 15, where Jesus says, I have called you my friends. Jesus has accepted you. Have you accepted him? If you have to say, Jesus Christ, I accept you into my life today. I want to be a friend of God. I want to be a friend of Jesus. And I want to know your purpose for my life. If other help us to be a church, it's not just known as a friendly church, but a church that's full of friends.

1:02:13That we're friends to everyone. That we love everyone. But that our closest friends are those that strive to make us grow, to bring out the best in us. May we be best friends by bringing out the best in others. And may we choose best friends who bring out the best in us. I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.