*PREVIEW* The Battle of Haçova

0:00What does the only pitched battle of a largely pointless and inconclusive 13-year-war look like? The Battle of Meso-Carrestes in 1596, or after referred to by his Ottoman name, Haasava, to avoid difficult Hungarian pronunciations, which I appreciate, because my god. We don't have enough like minced beef and noodles in the back of our throat to be able to pronounce Hungarian correctly. I mean, I've already declared myself as sort of like definitionally prejudiced against the Hungarian. No one is ever going to grant me any kind of grace or latitude when I mispronounce something Hungarian. What we, what listeners at home can't see is that we have soaked Nate in a giant vat of liquid paprika. And he's come out looking like a red version of Hannah. Yeah, exactly. It's like the blue man group, but red for some reason. The red man group. That sounds racist. Sorry. They had to pick when they formed the blue man group. They had to form an association that were using a color that wasn't immediately identified as a racial slur.

1:01Only took Garbell. Exactly. The racist against the smurfs. The blue man group is basically when they finally kick smurf out of smurf. All of the blue man group live in like one single room that looks like would be on male living spaces. TXC on red. The blue man group is basically when the smurfs develop in cell culture. The blue man group are sitting on like deck chairs in their city group and watching a TV. That's on the floor. Yeah, they all share a giant bed like the bucket family, but they absolutely do not have sex in it. Well, I like the knee of yeah, of like of like in cell massage in a smurf podcast. Blue man group talking about females, but there's actually only one female. So why is it plural? I love that right before you hit record. I don't have a color open. We just need to riff. And then we've ended up on in cell blue man group hating smurf. This is all because I remember who Garbell was. If you want to be a high value smurf,

2:06you know, there's only one woman to go between us. Like you have to achieve a deeper hue of blue. You have to, you know, be bone smashing your weird smurf face. You did be pinning smurf trend. Yeah, we're drinking that got a weird like blue spirulina drink. Yeah, we're taking colloidal silver to ward off disease, turning ourselves into even blue or smurfs. Look, I feel like a chat, jaw smurf would be so unsettling. Like they have to be vaguely marshmallow like in order to be cute. And so if you make them like jacked and shredded, I don't know. It just, it's going to feel like at best, some kind of like very, very uncomfortable memeification. And at worst, it's just going to be like bringing back buried memories of like row magnets, raiding your village and killing you, like buried in your animal brain. I want everyone to think about the straggly jacked smurf and rotate them in their mind throughout the episode. A friend of mine showed me a video. I think he found on TikTok or Instagram. And this is where I'm going to end this parenthesis where the person was holding up their phone to a TV as it was doing watching

3:09Lord of the Rings and doing chat, jawification filter on every single character. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen. If I look like every, the joke, you know the joke by the second instance, and it makes you laugh every single time. I don't know why. Anyway, so also similarly, this in self smurfs, it's going to make me laugh. What does it have to do with Hungary? Nothing. You're welcome. Well, yeah, that's what this show is. So we're talking about the battle of Haasova, the only major frontline battle between the two competing powers of the 1593 to 1606 war between the Ottomans and the Austrian Habsburgs, a war that was mostly composed of tit-for-tat captures of frontier fortresses and internal rebellions in the Ottoman Balkans. If you only get one big battle to define a war, the story of Haasova certainly rose to the challenge. But numerically inferior Habsburg and Transylvanian force comprising Austrians, Germans, Walloons, Hungarians, and Bohemians representing the full sprawl of Austrian Habsburg territory

4:11face the Ottoman army and its allies from the Crimean Khanate. The precise numbers are contested. Military historians tend to a light at a figure of 80 to 100,000 Ottoman and Crimean forces and 40 to 55,000 on the Austrian side. The Turkish sources have always estimated a far higher count of Christian strength on the day up to parity or slightly higher numbers than the Ottomans. What we do know for sure is that by the second day of the battle on 25 October 1596, the Austrian force was on the brink of a crushing victory. The task to save the fight seemed hopeless for the forces of Sultan Mehmet III as the Christians broke their lines and were able to begin an attack on the Ottoman camp, Thomas Glover, whom we last met being accused of flandering, bisexuality, and peterasti by his embassy colleague Henry Lello described the situation as follows. I leave to the world to consider what fright the grand senior was in, seeing all his army flee yet encouraged by some about him of his chief officers, caused his banners, his banners

5:14imperial to march forward upon the Christians and with his bow and arrows shot thrice as some say slew three Christians. This is written in 1500s English. So if I were to read it in a way that was to capture the spelling, I feel like I would be accused of being racist against the English somehow. No, see, in reality, if you have to update it to modern English, I'm considering it was written by a chaotic bisexual. The entire thing will be written in lowercase. Well, yes, written in lowercase, but also like it's got brackets where it's referencing songs, but I don't know deaf heaven. But what was Glover doing there? And why was a war that would ultimately lead almost nowhere being fought in the first place? Brothers, we need some context. The Ottomans in the Austrian Habsburgs were basically fighting over Hungary and Croatia, which were the frontiers that had emerged in the 16th century from those two land empires slamming into one another and seeing how much land they could realistically hold. So layman, the first, the logiver or the magnificent, depending on your linguistic and cultural heritage, famously advanced as far as Vienna in 1529

6:20after picking up Belgrade in 1521 and breaking Hungary with a battle of Mohatch in 1526. An ill-advised determination for full frontal amongst the Hungarian nobility saw the Hungarian army attack bar too prematurely. Happens to the best of us. A premature Hungarian full frontal hate to see it happen. Yeah, I feel like that's a subcategory on. I don't know. What does it pornhub X videos? I don't know what those are anymore. I just see people reference them. So I don't know if you can search by hashtag or if like they're all replaced with AI porn now. I mean, it's what happens when you misspelled pornhub as pornhun. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, you've like, you've got gay, straight by lesbian and then mock yards. Yeah, the biggest category is sour cream play. Oh, paprika maxing the sour cream buys. This is like the first time I'm literally disgusted by one of my friends. Oh, gross. We're all being affected by this seasonal mania.

7:30Hashtag sour cream team. Yeah, exactly. Don't like that. As we said, the Hungarians liking prematurely going full frontal and the Hungarian king Lewis and much of the over enthusiastic Hungarian aristocracy were killed and highly organized and coordinated Ottoman countertacks all along the front lines. Hungry sees to exist as an independent power and was divided between Habsburg, Ottoman and Transylvanian rule. I don't see the problem with this looking at our modern times. This Ottoman Habsburg frontier through the middle of Hungary had persisted ever since. As for the Transylvanians, they were Ottoman vassals, but not particularly reliable or constant ones. Habsburg's strategy involved trying to peel off Transylvania to their side, but the Ottomans were usually adept enough at regaining control of the unruly frontier tributary. Peace was officially agreed in 1568, two years into the reign of Sulayman's son, Selim II or the Salo. The treaty was that he had fucked up skin. They're like, look at this. He has got absolute skin hanging off in

8:34bags. He doesn't have a skin care routine. 120 days of gulage. I was thinking his skin has the consistency of Salo, like the very thinly sliced pork fat dish. Salo the 120 days of fat. He needs to know exactly. This is the thing is, is it, if only he had known about boykible, he could have gotten his protein up. He would have been all right. Oh god, that sounds so bad. Hungarian boykible. At least you know, they'll season it. Going to the gulage party and everyone's dipping their spoon in your bowl. Everybody's got a season. They're boykible. As a side note, I was taken aback by boykible being this term that people are using and didn't realize it was so advanced. So I sent a screenshot of it to R and he immediately responded with, I think it was in Swedish or it might have been in Norwegian, but as a video of Scandinavian news broadcast about the phenomenon of boykible, and they were like, they were randomly just, it was just randomly dropping in English words in the same vein as like, you know,

9:35height gamaagged and stuff like that. But they said boykible or boyke fodder, which I guess is boy fodder. The concept of boykible really strikes me as like one of those really annoying ads you see on YouTube about like optimization of food, but specifically for like your infant, it's optimized infant chow. Boykible is just an offshoot of the age-old gym tendency of just eating a big bowl of bullshit. True, I'm guilty of that. We've talked about it. I've seen you eat your big bowl of bullshit. Joe Kibble. Basically, the gym bro longs for hamburger helper. And so all of those meals, all those meals of boiled chicken and boiled carrots with no seasonings brown rice broccoli, it's just like tastes like shit. Taste like fucking shit. You go to fucking Costco and you buy 30 identical plastic Tupperware containers and you can fill the exact same meal it forever. Like that does get

10:36bored. Seriously, a draw attack right now. Joe, I used to do this too until I realized that in terms of not lifting enough and not taking steroids. The payoff was so little for me. I was like, actually, fuck it. I can just not do this. I counter that we may have found something creepier than a jacked spurf that is the jacked hamburger helper mascot. Exactly. He's got like huge vascularity all over the five fingers. His definition on those tendons is so fucking great. Does that mean like that he's like he has fingerprints like a human and they start throbbing when he's jacked when he's like cut water? Oh shit. Does the hamburger helper mascot have fingerprints? Can he be easily tracked out for a crime? Is it the hamburger helper on of national registry? He should be. We don't know what he's doing. I love the idea. It's like, hey, kids, you know, you know, it's a really, really like a reassuring thing. It's this very weird voice having huge giant hand who makes you a meal of slop.

11:36I'm never just thinking about, you know, that meme of if a dog war ponds would have wear this way or that way. Yeah. If the hamburger helper is so jacked, does he deadlift like with all the fingers at once or just two? It's got to be the pinky and thumb. He's not floating. You know, he's not like master hand from super smash bros. So you're saying because clearly it comes from the idea of helping hand hamburger helper. The helping hand is here to help you with the hamburger. It's it's like, this is how Americans understand empathy. But like, that's the easiest way to understand what Midwest nicest. This is why I will not be able to record this podcast in my new office until a soundproof room is built because how the fuck do I explain this to my neighbors? I mean, you're shouting about the jacked hamburger helper boykibble on the sever cream bookaki. What is your job? In our defense, that was you. Yeah, to be fair. And we enlisted the help of a guy

12:42with a PhD in history from Oxford to write this episode. And none of this is in this script. This is just us. This is just us being ourselves.