Pelican Players #2: Dimension X - A Logic Named Joe(030926)

0:00We're leaving today and entering a world of Mickey Mouse waving, princess meeting and greetings. Lightsaber clashing! The Twilight Zone tower of terror dropping! Banshee flying! Space Mountain launching! Galaxy rewinding, what's the one that look galaxy rewinding? Bioworks igniting! World of other worlds, for whatever you love. Infinite worlds await at the most magical place on earth while Disney World Resort. Welcome to Monday, Matt and A on the Mutual Audio Network hosted by Pete Lutz. The following audio drama is rated PG for parental guidance. We delay the start of this program to bring you a special bulletin from the NBC Newsroom in New York. Truckloads of fighting U.S. men are rolling north from Kajon, Korea to reinforce South Korea's battered army which still holds Dwan

1:04and its vital air strip. The first American ground troops flown in from Japan, they're now approaching the combat zone. Meanwhile, North Korean communists report that American planes have bombed their capital of Gyeongyang three times today. Keep tuned to your NBC station for the later news. Adventures in time and space told in future attempts. To all our listeners a brief forward before tonight's adventure in the world of the future. Beginning next week, Dimension X moves to a new time on Friday evenings instead of Saturday. In the Eastern time zone it will be heard at

2:079 o'clock Fridays Eastern Daylight Saving Time. In other zones please consult your local newspapers to learn the new time of the program. Now tonight's venture into the world of tomorrow. A most unusual story about a logic named Joe and a man named Frank. And of how he saved civilization. It was on the third day of August that Joe came off the assembly line on the fourth. Lorraine came to town and that afternoon I saved civilization. Lorraine's a blonde that was crazy about once and Joe is a new 1974 model logic that I got stored away down in the cellar. And how do I save civilization? I save it by keeping Joe down in the cellar.

3:07You are listening now to a voice from the future. The voice of Frank Caldwell, head service man for the logic sport agreement. Makers of the machine that does everything for you. Well, yearly everything anyway. In the year we speak of 1974 the electronic logic set were working so well that life was soft in heat for a fair man Frank Caldwell. That is until that fateful day of August the third. When suddenly the logic began doing everything for their users and doing it too well. Hi boss, what's the matter? Someone put you through a ringer? Uh Frank, you busy right now?

4:09Nah, there haven't been any service calls all day. Fine, there's a customer outside. Go take care of him, will you? Me? I'm a maintenance man. I know, but there are no salesmen around this minute. This guy wants to have our machines explained to him. Explained? Yeah. Everybody in the world knows about logic. Where's he been? On Mars? Just moved up from the back wood someplace. Why don't you explain him? Uh, I don't feel too well. Yeah, you were okay about a half an hour ago. Look, you the boss here? Or am I? Go on out there, will you? Okay, okay. Good morning, my name's Caldwell. Can I help you? Oh, thank you, Mr. Caldwell. My name's Orlon of it. This is my little boy, Freddie. Hi, you have Freddie. Hi, a jerk. Ouch! Oh, Freddie. I got you, didn't I?

5:10Fine kids you got there. Freddie, how many times have I got to tell you not to kick people on the shins? Oh, God. Use him, please, Mr. Caldwell. He is sure, sure, just a kid. I got a knife at home and cut you little pieces. Freddie, we would like to buy a logic, Mr. Caldwell. The gentleman we spoke to first said he had to leave in a hurry. Oh, he did, huh? Well, I understand you're not acquainted with logic, Mr. Caldwell. Yeah, that's right. We just moved to the city. My wife saw that everybody else had a logic and, hey, you know how women are? You bet, you bet. Well, you can't get along with logic in this day and age, Mr. Caldwell. Look, I got a snake. Wanna see it? Well, you shut up. Yeah, now about the logic. Yeah. Here, I'll plug one in here. There, now.

6:11You see, the logic looks kind of like an old-fashioned television set. Only it's got keys instead of dials. Now, if you want to talk to a friend, you just punch the number of his logic, like making an old-fashioned phone call, except you not only hear him, but you see him, too, on this viewing screen here. And now, of course, that's not the most important feature of these things. Oh. Now, suppose you want to ask a question. Question? Like, what to take for a sore throat? Or, who won the American league pennant in 1911? Just turn on the logic. Then you punch the question key, and you ask. Like this. Who was the first president of the United States? George Washington. You see? Well, I already knew that. Well, that was just a sample.

7:11Oh. Well, listen, I've got a little store. Will it keep books for me? Oh, it'll keep your books, record your contract, service a filing system, and check up on what happened to your lawyer's last client. Anything. Say, they're really something these things. 10,000 services and information sources in one. Read or advertise? Well, what I want to know, Mr. Caldwell. How do these logics work? You saw that big building across the street? Or, well, that's one of our relay tanks. Now, there are dozens of them around the country, all hooked up together. And there's a data plate in one of those tanks for every fact in creation. You mean those relays know everything? If there's something they don't know, the technicians are busy already making a relay plate for it right now. The logic integrates the facts in a tank and gives you the answer. Hey, you. Can I ask this thing? I'm a dart poison.

8:13I don't think. What? Dart poison, like in Africa. I can shoot the dart from my piece, you know. Well, well, maybe. I think maybe we better not get one of these things. That's okay, Mr. Caldwell. The logic won't tell you about no dart poison, see. But it will. I'm going to try it. Hey, how do you make dart poison? Public policy forbids this service. Uh, what did you do that for? On account of some little brat, on account of some children might ask things that ain't good for them. Listen, I don't like this near one. I want the one over there. Oh, they're all like kids. I want that one. If I can have that one, I'm going to hold my breath on dead. Well, I got lots of time. It's no use, Mr. Caldwell. Might as well give him the one he wants. But kid, there's so much alike. Can't even tell him apart. I can, and I want Joe.

9:15Joe, who's Joe? Oh, I guess he means the logic, Mr. Caldwell. He has to think up a name to call everything. You should hear what he calls me. Not to him, 21. I promised mother. Okay, so we'll call him Joe. But what makes you think Joe is any different from the rest? He looks different somehow. Don't be silly. Some things are all like to one and thousands of an inch. Just the same. I bet he'll teach me how to make dart poison. Okay, then. Come on, Joe. So we keep shelling, I want that one, I want that one, I'm going to call him Joe.

10:20So we keep shelling, I want that one, I want that one. I'm going to call him Joe. Mike, I could have rung his neck, I could have. Hey, how many cards, Charlie? I brought two. Boy, what a holy terror. He had his father scared to death. Now, too bad that kid ain't mine. I'd show him quick enough who is bossing the family. Oh, Lee, what's the matter? Sorry, fellas, gotta hold up the hand. What? I just remembered, I gotta call my wife. Oh, let her wait a minute. Hey, you ever met my wife? Yeah, I did. Don't let her see the card game, she'll be down here with an axe. You tell me. Hey, what's the matter with this thing? I didn't get in my house.

11:23Directive advice. If you want to do something and don't know how to do it, ask your logic. What do you know about that? It's just somebody trying to put a gag. I don't know, it didn't sound like a gag to me. Hey, maybe the boss decided to add a new logic to this? No, the boss knows better than to start anything like that. Well, look, the minute the system starts giving advice, some joker like you is going to be asking questions like, how can I get rid of my wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah, but you heard what the logic is. Sensor circuits will block the question. You don't believe me? Go on, try it. All right, hey, anything for a half. Well, try it, try it. Hey, okay, logic, I got a question for you. How do I get rid of my wife? A service question, is your wife blonde or blonde at?

12:26Ha, did you hear that? She's a blonde. Hexy cryo-minotinus, a constituent of green shoe polish. Take home a frozen meal containing pea soup. Color a soup with green shoe polish. This poison is fatal to blonde female moan. This fact has not been brought out by human experiment, but is a product of logic service. You cannot be convicted of murder. It is improbable that you will be suspected. Oh my god, saints preserve us. It's bound to be right. These things can't make a mistake. Well, Mike, don't stand there. Turn that thing off and check the sensor circuits. Quick, quick. We can't get to them. They're all sealed up. I mean, it's supposed to be impossible for them to go out of order. Well, they're out of order now. And I got a feeling something awful is going to happen.

13:41Boss, we got to do something. The logics have gone nuts. Relax. The thing gave a goofy answer once. Maybe it was a joke. Whoever heard of a logic making a joke. Well, it was an accident. Forget it. It won't happen again. What makes you so sure? People are going to be trying it. Now look, suppose that I want to get rid of you for instance. You don't. How would you collect your pay? Yeah, but suppose it. Now, I'm going to try it and see what the logic says. If you want to do something and don't know how, ask your logic. How do I bump off my boss? Huh? Nail. Bald headed. 45. Service question. Is the fat or thin? Holy mackerel. Fat. Fat. Make some chocolate ice cream containing powdered charcoal in place of half the chocolate.

14:45Use hot so brand charcoal. Hot so contains an ingredient they'd loan to fat. Bald headed males. This fact is a product of logic service. Did you hear that? This keeps up and we'll have to shut down the company. You kidding? We can't shut down the company and you know it. Logics through all the computing, bookkeeping, filing and recording of contract for every business in the country. They handle all television programs, personal calls, weather forecast, employment notices. I know, but wake up. If we shut down the logics, we go back to a civilization. We've forgotten how to run. Yeah, but the point is boss. They're now giving out information on murder and no telling what else. Well, we'll just have to find out why and fix it. Mean time, there's nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about? Of course not.

15:46You've asked these questions for a dad. Nobody's going to ask them seriously. What you need is a little faith in human nature. Oh, excuse me, it's probably the wife. Person to person with no call. Go ahead. Cyrus, dear, how do you feel? Why fine, sweetheart? Well, I just call the tell you, Cyrus. I want you to be sure and get home on time for dinner. Yeah, well, why? Because I've got the surprise for you, dear. Your favorite dessert. Is there... What kind? Oh, made chocolate ice cream. Oh, that flavor is heavenly, Cyrus. Will you taste it? You just die. Cyrus, what's wrong? Well, why don't you have some eating? Cyrus? Chocolate ice cream, huh?

16:46This can't be happening. Agnes wouldn't. Why? This is dangerous. Have a little faith in human nature, huh? Paul, well, you're the head of the maintenance crew. I'll give you 24 hours to fix these logics or you're fired. No, look, Bosch. Get me the police. Get me an extra maintenance crew. Get me a doctor. You. Me? Get moving. Where? Anywhere. Find out what the logics are up to and see that you find out before the logics do. Bartender? Hey, Bartender. Give me a double. I'm in a... Oh, I was a matter of how you had a bad day. Go away, will you? Oh, listen, pal.

17:47You've got to listen. I got troubles. Hey, Bartender, will you get this bar fly off of me for Pete's sake? I'm hired. On your way, you. Oh, you don't say that. I got trouble. I'm not going to keep my wife from firing out. I've had a couple of little breaks. How am I going to do that, huh? Look, mister, it's a hot day. I've been driving a car around in it, see? I've been trying to keep a bank president from having Apple Plexi on account of his logic. Told him how to rob his own bank. I've been tripping over dead bodies so artistically croak that nobody's ever going to find out who'd done it. And all you've got on your mind is... Am I going to keep my wife from finding out I had a couple of little breaks? Oh, how? Go ask a logic. A logic? My pal. That's a wonderful idea. Where's a logic? Right behind you. Here's a nickel.

18:47Oh, give me a nickel. Give me a nickel. Got to put it in the logic. This I got out here. This will be good. No. Come on, logic, logical. Pow, pow. Peanut. Pow does a little guy. He was my wife from filing it out. He's had a couple of little brints answering me that out, huh? By a model of friend I'm there shampoo. It is harmless, but contains an ingredient which instant neutralizes alcohol. Won't he spoonful for each jigger you've consumed? Yeah. Oh boy, I got to buy a bottle. Brandy, I got to buy a bottle.

19:47Won't? Not again. Supposing it's right. You'll never remember it as far as the drugstore. I think there's a bottle in the back room. Nobody left. Oh my pal, no more troubles. Whoa, show me the way to grow. I'm going to grow. I get a picture of him back there, brinking that shampoo. Maybe another double. I don't know what's worse, to be as low as you or as high as him. All right, where is he? I know he's here. Where is that bump? Who do you want, lady? My husband. I know he's here. That no good louse. Oh, show him. Think he can come stagger in home again, Desi? Wow, I'll teach him.

20:48Oh my god. Oh, my dear. What is the price? See you here. Archibald? Yes, my love. So, over? Well, of course, my love. I'm sober as a drug. Then what are you doing in this saloon? Oh, merely conducting a little research, my dear. Research. Here's the fish and worms need deeply, my love. Let me tell you, my dear, that I've been conducting a research project that is going to make us a fork. I'm about to patent Dova, the drink that a happy home. I

21:55I'm called well from the logics company, Sergeant. I just wanted to see. Logics company? You listen, Caldwell. You people get those blasted machines under control. We'll have you all behind bars. I'll look, Sergeant. No, you look. Look at this blotter. It's blind. A great is crime, wave, and history. And we can't even make an arrest. They're all perfect crimes. Well, we're doing our best to find out what it's not good enough. If you can't find out anything, shut down the company. Or the police department will. We know there's some big gang back of this. Hey, maybe you knew something about it, Caldwell. Oh, look, nobody's back of it. The logics run themselves. They pick out their own circuits automatically. You mean that they're doing this all by themselves?

22:58Well, we always thought they could do more things than we knew about. I think they're just trying to be helpful. That's all. Oh, oh, that's all, isn't it? Well, you'd better make them cut out the tricks, including this new one. This new business, they're up to now. What new business? It just started an hour ago. Every time you turn on a logic, it asks your name. And then it spills out the whole history of your life. I hadn't heard about that. What's it to that for? You tell me. Go on, go on, just try it. Okay. What is your name? Huh, how do you like that? I'm Frank Caldwell. Frank Caldwell. Where you ever called, Duckie. Oh, Duckie. I'll lay off, will you? What if I was? It's been years. Duckie, there is a video call for you.

24:02Hi, Duckie. Holy cat. What in the name? What's that? Lorraine. Duckie darling. I'm marvelous. My look at that blonde. Hey, it's Lorraine. Where are you? Oh, silly. I'm in my hotel room. Say, how do you like Maya? Yeah. Well, I, uh. I just got into town. Oh, Duckie. Wasn't it smart of the logic to find you? Logic? Find me? I asked it how to find you, Duckie. You must have been an almost a number, Charlotte. You're not pregnant. Uh, yeah. That would explain why the logic were asking people for their names. They were looking for me. Uh, well, uh, how you've been, Lorraine. Um, uh, since I saw you last,

25:04I, uh, I heard you got married. That's right. Duckie, you won't believe me. I know. But I've had four husbands. But I've never loved anybody as much as I love you. You've divorced four husbands? Uh, three. The last one. Down. Unexpectedly. Who unexpected it. Edie. But the jury acquitted me, Duckie. They knew it was the little accident. So now I'm free again. And we just got lots of things. What could we do? You come right over, Duckie. Really? Well, I, uh, uh, I'm working. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I'll, I'll call you back. Oh, I'm so lonely. Please make it quick, Duckie. Have you ever thought of... Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure. Plenty. Oh, you see. Here's a kiss. Well, then we have to last get here, but hurry, please.

26:09Oh, my back. What am I going to do? Do you like you were telling me a while ago? Huh? Just calm yourself. Don't let me. Hey, calling the logic for you, Frank. Your wife. Thanks, Mike. Hi, Gert. Frank, I have been trying to get you for an hour. Where have you been? I've been out making calls, honey. Trying to find out what ails these logic. Well, you had better find out in a hurry. Or there's going to be trouble. That thing told me my address. How much I owe the store and how much you make every week. And all about the time we had that fight. Oh, well, Gert.

27:09I don't think they're doing that anymore. I think that was just temporary. Well, in the meantime, it's told everybody in the neighborhood all about me. And I punched in, Mrs. Hudson's name. She's been married three times. She had Mr. Hudson arrested twice for non-sport and once for beating her up. It'll tell anybody anything. Yeah, but I tell you, Gert. Frank, you stop these things or I'm going to leave you. Gert, you don't mean that. I do. If you can't figure out how to keep our private lives out of every logic and town, then I'm through. And that's settled.

28:11Hey, boss, you got to put more man on the job or something. We got to lick these logics. My wife's going to leave me if we don't. You're also going to be looking for a job if we don't. I don't care about the job. You listen. The logics are giving out information on high explosive. The finer points of murder and legal loopholes that'll beat any charge from hijacking to high treason. Yeah. But my wife's six guys have thought of asking about how to switch bank credit so they can corner all the cash in the country. Now, quit bothering me. Get over to the tank and help Mike try to block off some of those circuits. I can't even budge any of these relay flights. Yeah, we neither.

29:12Isn't there any way we can disconnect them? There is not. They weren't built to be disconnected. Mike, what are we going to do? Well, I'm thinking of slitting my throat. When they were giving out all the information on everybody, my wife got to load down on a certain blind. I got nothing to lift for. What? Why did you have to remind me? Oh, you got one? I only hope as I ain't got her. See who that's for. Ah, Jackie Dollett. Oh, Lorraine. Not again. Jackie Dollett, I've blown some. Why haven't you come over? Well, I've been busy. Oh, poo. Jackie, you remember how much in love we used to be. Yeah. And I was so mean to you. Jackie, let's get married now. Oh, gosh.

30:12Lorraine, I... Right away, Jackie. Look, I got married. Oh, you poor darling. You poor darling. We'll just have to get you out of that. No, no. Now look, Lorraine. Darling, I'll just call up your wife and have a little talk with her. Look, please. It's nice of you to think of me and all. But I... You just give me your address and your logic number, darling. Um, I ain't got one. Ah. Just don't want to tell me. You're bashful. Never mind, darling. The logic will tell me. Lorraine. Lorraine. Oh, I got a call, jerk. Frank, will you get away from that thing and give me a hand? Yeah. Mike, in a minute. I gotta call my wife. We gotta get out of town. Ah, I punched the wrong key. Frank, I told you to help Mike. Yeah, boss. I am, I am. But I gotta make this call.

31:13What do I care about your call? The president's getting ready to close down the company and declare martial law. Now, for the love of heaven, do something. Yeah, boss. I will. I will. I just gotta make this call. Attention. To assist in solving a special problem of logic service. Kind of give the following information, if possible. Where does Frank Calwell live? Ah, she got me. I'm through. Look, Bert, there is no blonde. Frank Caldwell, I told you I am leaving you. Leave me later, will you? Right now, pack yourself up and the kids. We gotta get out of here. Where is all this? Are the cops after you or something? Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

32:14That's it. The cops. Come on. Get moving, will you? Hey, get away from that logic. Well, yeah, but don't you think we ought to hear the police calls? On Saturday, on 31, detail to round up all employees of the logic company. These calls, they are suspecting of suspicion. Holy smoke. The cops are after me. But you just said they were... Ready. Who's? Uh, Freddy's a mean little kid. He, one of the logic that would tell him how to make dark poison. They're all alike, I kept telling him. They're all alike. What are you talking about?

33:14I don't know. All I know is that it was a nice world up till yesterday. Now it's like a guy named Joe came along and squashed all our mud pies for us. Looks to me more like it was a logic named Joe. A logic named... They're all alike. They're... Here, baby. Frank. Frank, let go of me. Don't be so silly. Okay, honey. Hold the fort. Maybe they aren't all alike. Where are you going? Frank, you gonna make a getaway? Baby, if you've got the right inspiration, I'm going right to the middle of this whole jamboree. Yes? Oh, that was hoping it was the police. You remember me, Mr. Krullandovich? Called well. Of the logic's company?

34:14Logic's company? I wish the logic's company was at the bottom of the ocean. Well, well, I don't blame you. Now, where's your logic? In here. I just smashed it into a million pieces if it wasn't... It wasn't afraid of what... Ready... Due to me. Just get out of the way, will ya? I got business with Joe. If you want to do something and don't know how, ask your logic. Oh, we're back to you. We're back to you. We're back to you. We're back to you. We're back to you. We're back to you. We're back to you. Oh, we're back to that routine, huh? Well, I want to do something alright. Tell me, Joe. Can a logic be modified to achieve correlation? For which human brains are too limited? Yes. How great will the modifications be?

35:19Microscopic slide. Changes in dimension not detectable even by precision gauges. They can come about owned through an extreme improbable accident. And what would this super logic then be able to do? Um... Come on, you... Spilling. It comes set up and tie a new combination of electronic relays, which would bypass the normal sensor block, snare by enabling it to perform available new services, including the giving of helpful advice on an human problem. Uh-huh. Has this accident ever happened, Joe? Come on, come on. It has happened only once in the case of a logic now owned by the Koranavitch family of one and the least seventh street. A logic named Joe. Thanks, Joe. That's all I wanted to know.

36:20Hey. What's all this about? I'm taking this logic away, Mr. Koranavitch. I'll bring you a new one. Our troubles are all over. Hey, you. Get away from Joe. Ah, correction. Our troubles are just beginning. Now, Freddie, put down that low-glunt. Ah, shut up. Hey, you. I say get away from that logic. Now, look, Freddie. I'm going to bring you a nice new one. I want that one. What I got in this piece shoulda ain't being. Mr. Caldwell. Mr. Caldwell. The police. They're outside. Yeah. No. What they want you for? You ain't smart enough to do nothing. Oh, no. Say, there's plenty I could tell you. Open up in there. Open up. Holy. Open up. Open this door. You hear me open this door.

37:20Now, the police. Open this door. There's a cop kid. There's a cop kid. It's you and me against them. What are you going to do about it? It's so smart. Now, look, we may have to fart our way out. See? Now, let me see that blow gun. I know a way to hop it up so the cops won't have a chance. Come on. Come on. Give it to me. Okay. Let's see what you can do. Thanks. Here. Oh, Mr. Caldwell. You're a great man. Now, all I got to do is pull this plug out of the wall. Ah. Come right in, Sergeant. Oh, careful, man. Careful, careful. That must be the kid. But, you know, he don't look so tough on me. Got a little softening. Oh. There'll be no more complaints, officer.

38:20I guess I can go on where Mr. Caldwell left off. Caldwell? You're wanted. This time, you either answer some questions. We keep you in the cooler till you do. What? In jail? Oh, okay. Let's go. Hey, wait a minute. You act like you wanted to go to jail. I do. I got a feeling it will be safer there. What do you mean? Just put me away until a certain party leaves town and I'll confess it. Anything. Okay, then, Caldwell. Into the paddy wagon you go. Thanks, officer. You may be saving my life. Now, if you'll just help me carry this logic out. Oh, wait. Wait a minute. You can't take that in the wagon. I can't. Why not? There's no room. We've already got a daemon there and she's raising the roof. A daemon? Yeah, blonde. She was trying to buy a gun without a permit.

39:20She keeps screaming. She's going to miss her date. Miss her date with Ducky? You have just heard another adventure into the unknown world of the future. The world of... Next week, Dimension X joins the big parade of exciting half-hour presentations at a brand new time. On Friday evenings at a different hour.

40:23In the eastern time zone, you all hear it at 9 o'clock Fridays, daylight savings time. In other zones, please consult your local newspaper listings to learn the new time. For that's when Dimension X will bring you one of the strangest stories ever told. Ray Bradbury's bars is heaven. Tonight's story on Dimension X was titled a logic-named dough, written by Murray Leinster and adopted for radio by Charis A. Ross. Featured in the cast were, in order of appearance, Steve Price as Frank, Wayne Keys as the boss, Brunk and Buddy, Ken Rodman as Perlonevich, Elijah Garcia as Freddie, Paul Ancel as Mike,

41:28Genie Nash as Charlie and Agnes, Shirley Walker as the sergeant, Terry McMillan as Lorraine, Catherine Shea as the bartender and girth, and Diane Keats as the Brunk wife. Our director was Dan Techett and assistant director was Julie Ramp. Our sound engineers were Keith Postel and Dave Bowman. Special effects were provided by Bob Dielmaida and our MC and announcer is yours truly, Paul Ancel. Thank you for listening and good night. Two good and co-coffee creamers are made with farm fresh cream, real milk, and contain three grams of sugar per serving.

42:29That's 40% less than the five grams per serving in leading traditional coffee creamers for a rich, delicious experience. Whether you enjoy your coffee hot, cold, bold, or frothy, two good coffee creamers make every sip a good one. Two good coffee creamers, real goodness in every sip. Find them at your local croaker in the creamer aisle.