An Alienated Daughter's Story, Part 1: How It Started

Seven years of A's life ran on a story her father repeated to her: that her mother was crazy, that her mother did not love her, and that her mother had let her go. A was twelve when the sisters moved in with him, and she was a young adult before she worked out how much of it was untrue.

This episode is a conversation Lisa recorded with a young woman she calls A, the daughter of a friend. A asked to stay anonymous, so no names, no places, and no identifying details appear here or in the recording. She was four when her parents separated. She is twenty now, living with her mother again, and she agreed to talk because she wanted parents in this position to hear what the years looked like from the child's side.

A walks through the timeline. The visitation years, when her father was the parent with no rules and a steady commentary about her mother. The day an argument between her mother and her older sister brought the police and a restraining order, and the sisters moved out. The instructions on what to tell the social workers and the therapists, and the warning that if anyone learned they were depressed the two of them would be split up and placed elsewhere. The calls, eight or nine a day, timed to how long the walk to school and the drive to work should take. A says she thought all of that meant she was loved, and that her mother, who did not do it, must not love her.

The turn comes slowly. A started therapy at seventeen after a relationship that repeated her father's pattern, started journaling at eighteen because a therapist suggested it, and describes reading her own writing back as the first time she understood what she thought about anything. She and her sister started talking. She reached out to her mother on an impulse she still cannot explain, and heard a version of events that matched things happening to her. Reconciliation has not been simple, and A is honest about the resentment on both sides. Her advice to parents is short: you do not know the whole story, do not make your child feel guilty for having left, and just listen.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What the fun-parent setup buys, and what it costs a child later
• How a child gets coached on what to tell social workers, therapists, and the court
• Why a threat of being separated from a sibling keeps kids silent about everything
• Golden child and scapegoat: what each role does to a child's sense of self
• Why constant calls and tracking read as love to a kid who has known nothing else
• What actually started the change: therapy, journaling, and a sibling to talk to
• How financial control, from a car loan to the groceries, keeps a young adult in place
• What A wants a target parent to do differently when their child comes back

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Why A is anonymous, and where the story starts
3:00 The fun parent: no rules, no homework, no bedtime
7:00 The day the police were called, and the restraining order
11:00 Why moving in with her father felt like her own choice
13:00 Coached on what to tell the social workers and therapists
17:00 Growing up without being allowed to have an opinion
23:00 Therapy at seventeen, and a relationship that repeated the pattern
27:00 Journaling at eighteen, and having a thought of her own
31:00 Meeting her mother again, and hearing the other side
37:00 A threat, a hospital, and three months living in a car
51:00 Debt, food, and what she would tell a parent trying to reconnect

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.