Our Marriage Is Sexually Dead

0:00When we were first the other it was pretty awesome, sex, relationship, everything and then about 20 years ago he started having issues in the bedroom. The way I hear you talking about your husband is accusatory and blaming and it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. What's going on? This is John. The Dr. John Deloney show. As we're recording this, the world is melting down. And I think it makes this show even more important in a place where we're going to pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move because screaming, yelling, running around. It's not just adding chaos to chaos and this is what the show is man, pull up a seat. No people with real challenges and we're going to figure out what's the next, what's the

1:01next right move man? What is the next right move for all of us? If you want to be on this show go to johndeloney.com slash ask a S K and I got power back in my house after the Nashville storms. Kelly, you got, you're all good? Yeah, we only lost power for just a few hours. All right, I'm done talking to you. Just kidding. It's cool. It's like a competition. I know. Yeah. My situation is worse than yours. That's what people ask. Like, how was your, your, your ice storm was like, how we only lost power? I feel like I apologize. Yeah. Sorry. My power company's great. So I feel apologetic. I lost that. I was at the comedy club and somebody in the green room was like, I'm, I'm out for the next week still. And I was like, Oh, okay, he'll just be quiet here, right? It's like, but yeah, it's not like a race to see who got it the worst. It's like a, it should be a race to how can we take care of each other? So it's awesome. Thank you for all the calls that you, you in text you sent me. Tell me how you were worried about me, Kelly. I sent you a text and asked how you guys were doing.

2:02I said, thank you. And I didn't get an answer back for a week because you were hunting while you're poor wife and daughter were pioneering it. All right. Let's go out to Austin, Texas and talk to Anne. What's up, Anne? Thank you so much for having me on your show. Of course. A big fan. And my daughter is actually even bigger fan. She's the one that turned me on to your show. She's been listening for a long time that, um, who does that make your awkward conversations between you and your daughter? Are y'all pretty cool? We are super cool. All right. Good. Yeah, super cool. And nothing's really awkward with us. We know, I think pretty much everything about each other, which makes it a wonderful relationship with us. That's a whole other phone call. Okay. So what's up? Yes, it is. Um, so I am in a relationship for over 30 years now, uh, married for about 28. And when we were first the other, it was pretty awesome. Um, everything, uh, sex, relationship, everything. Um, and then about 20 years ago, he started having issues that he wasn't even being honest with me about, um, in the bedroom.

3:04And, um, right. Right. A right time function. Yes, sir. That's what it is. Um, and it wasn't too bad in the beginning. And, you know, we, I finally, after a couple of years, finally got him to see a doctor. And, um, he gave him some different things to try and at first, it worked. But then a couple of years into it, it didn't, um, nothing, nothing works now. He's completely dead. Like, there's in bed down there. There's nothing, nothing happening, um, and it's, it's been very frustrating over the years because I am 15 years younger than him. And I feel like I've spent my younger life without having a, a, a very healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I feel like I've been cheated, you know, out of that part of my life. And I see my, my friends on like second and third marriages and they just have such a healthy relationship and sex life, they're happy. And I'm like, why do I, after being in this, and being so devoted and, you know, so patient, why did this happen to us? And, and I love him very much.

4:05I tried to leave twice, um, for different reasons that was part of it. And I keep coming back. I, I can't leave them. I can't like be with them. I can't be without them. I don't, I don't know what, what I'm doing. Hmm. That was a lot. I'm sorry. There's a lot to unpack here and, um, I'm trying to think of the best approach here. What, what, um, where else are y'all not together? Um, probably in activities is one of them. Like he doesn't want to do anything like I said, we do have that age gap, um, like I am active, you know, and I like to go to parks and, um, go places and stuff and, I mean, he just wants to work and sit and watch TV and drink. Where else? Um, what else do we have that we're not in common with, um, traveling, I want to travel

5:06and he doesn't want to travel. What about your money? Money. Yeah. We're not going to think about that either right now. Okay. What about your kids? And probably we've always disagreed about our kids. Okay. He has much different ideas about our kids. We have grown adult children now. Um, okay. So here's a, here's what I want to do with this conversation, okay? Mm hmm. I want to back all the way out. I'm going to be super direct with you. Is that cool? That's why I called. Okay. All right. Um, I have a, uh, a buddy of mine, a close, close friend of mine who is texting me from the hospital last night while his wife is going undergoing cancer surgery for stage four cancer. And she has a medical challenge. She's struggling and he's, I'll get choked up here. He's right or die. And the way I hear you talk about your husband's, uh, I'm going to frame it one way, but then

6:10we'll expand it. Okay. So it's going to sound like I'm attacking you at first. I will expand it. Okay. So I'll be fair. The way I hear you talking about your husband's dead down there is accusatory and blaming and it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. Like if you, if you're with somebody fully and their body is struggling, um, that's y'all's struggle, right? But it also can reveal, oh, we're not together on anything. And for most of us in our lives, we don't know how to talk about money. We don't know how to talk about shared values. We don't know how to have conversations about, I really don't feel like hiking, but you know what you do and I've never felt bad after a hike. So let's go, right, um, or I don't like watching TV. You know what tonight, um, what are you pick a show, right? There's a togetherness and sex is often the only thing we have left.

7:17So I guess when I want to start this conversation with you and it becomes the epicenter, I want you to own. You have not been cheated out of anything. You have chosen repeatedly to stay by the side of the guy you married and your path out of this will be full 100% you owning your choices, okay? And so you haven't been cheated out of anything. You've chosen to stay, okay, and so let's just own it. And for whatever reason, whether he's got medical issues, psychological issues, going through great depression, whatever he's going through, he has also made choices, right? You can be heartbroken by his choices, you can be frustrated by his choices, but I never want you to lose sight of this. You get to decide what you do next and you have to own that decision, right?

8:18And that to me is about maintaining character and integrity and dignity, regardless of what you do next. And so if we back all the way out, y'all haven't been together, y'all haven't been united, y'all haven't been anchored into the same block ever, right? Or maybe since you were very, very first married? So this is just how I feel about it. Like in the beginning, I was just 21 in the beginning of all this and lost my father at a young age and he came into my life and he was like, everything I was lacking pretty much. And then some. Does he want to be married to you? Yes. If behavior is a language, does he want to be married to you? I think so. When I left him before he did nothing but pursue me, he wouldn't leave me alone until he got me dating him again and back in the house and you know what I mean with him again.

9:20I don't know what you mean, like sleeping with him again? I did and he actually, it was, it was actually kind of better at that point. And then I moved back in and then someone told me if you moved back in without trying to, you know, work out the problems that cause it to begin with, it's going to happen all over again and it did. It's hard to get him into counseling. I even talked to him about counseling and he's like, sure, I'll go with you and I'm like, I think you need to go on your own too. And I do. We both need separate counseling as well as together to work it out. But if the head is a language, what he's telling you is I want you, I do. But I'm not interested in doing the work that I need to do physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm just not, I'm not into it. No, he's not. I've even said that because we're Christians and I told one of my counselors from my old church I used to go to and we were talking, I was like, I feel like the spiritual leader

10:24of my home doesn't exist. Like I feel like I am. Okay. And so Terri Real has a great framework that I love, love, it's super simple, okay? When you're faced with something in your marriage that you want to change, most of us try to communicate to get the other person to do what we want them to do. Okay. And that never, ever works because what it does is we end up complaining, nagging, fighting, screaming, silencing, like all those, all those things, we find ourselves becoming somebody, we don't want to even want to be, right? Have you found yourself there? Oh yeah, I found myself there. Yeah, nobody wants to back have a bad day, the moment they open their eyes, right? And feel bitter and feel resentful and all that. So here's the path he gives and I absolutely love it because it's key here is it retains autonomy. I'm driving my car, right? And here's what it is.

11:24You say out loud, here's what I experienced. Number two, here's the story I made up about what happened. Number three, here's how I feel about the story I just made up. Number four, here's what I'm going to do now. And my guess is the stories you have created around this slow drift apart from each other. That's happened over 20 years. Is inside getting inside his head and trying to figure out why he's doing or not doing what he's doing? I've been trying to do that and I feel like he's, he's old now and he doesn't, he hates it. And this age thing like crazy and I think he's depressed, of course, because his career hasn't gone well. He knows he's not, you know, that we're not great. He thinks his kids hate him because like for different things, that's another phone call. Sure.

12:25Like you said, but here's what he knows for sure. 100%. He knows his wife doesn't like it. No, I don't really love him. I know, I know. There's a lot of people that I love that I don't like him. Yeah. Right? You're right about that. And it's hard to do anything. When you look over and you know your wife doesn't like it. I actually told him the one night when he was trying to kiss me, I was like, I'm not even attracted to you. And I was so, so bad about that. What was his response? He was so hurt. He just, he just ignored it in the next day. He didn't talk about it. Yeah. He avoids it. And so here's the path I want you to follow, okay? Okay. I'm not going to give you permission to leave. You have to take that permission on yourself. That what I'll tell you is you have to be honest about the choices you have made.

13:31And then you have to be very honest about the choices you're going to make moving forward. Okay. And that begins with a whole bunch of eye statements. I want to be married to you and I want to have sex with you. I want to travel with you. I want to do things other than drink and watch TV with you. I miss you. I'm willing to fill in the blank. The stories I've made up are you can't get it up. You don't want to have sex with me because you don't think I'm beautiful because you're lazy because you don't even care about us because all those other things. The story I've made up is you don't want to be on the same page with me with your money because you think I'm stupid because you think I'm just your daughter. That's exactly how I felt. Okay. All these stories you're making up. It is helpful to look across the table, not in a fight, but in a direct way and say,

14:35I've made up these stories. Are they true? And here's the thing. Some of them will be true and y'all have to reckon with that. If he had looked at you and said, Hey, whenever I lean into Kiss you, you back up. The story I'm making up about that is you don't even attract it to me anymore. If you're a person and he would have said, that makes me feel bad. And here's what I'm going to do, I'm opening my hands to you. How do I become more attractive for you? And you'd have to be honest and say, the story you made up is right, I'm not. But it's probably, I've seen millions of old couples with age spots in their skin, sagging off their bodies and they are gross in love. My guess is you are less attracted to his being, his essence, his giving up. Yeah, it's not real attractive and he also stopped working on himself and he's starting to not look even as appealing, but that I can get past.

15:37You know, if I'm a person, I'm a person. Yeah, but nobody wants to be with somebody who's getting past it. Yeah. Right. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Even though that I, whenever I approach him with anything, maybe it's the way I'm approaching it. I don't know if it's probably my fault, I don't know, but it's always an attack. He feels that everything is an attack. He won't have a real discussion, but an adult discussion. It's always, always an attack and I can't get around it. There's no way I've tried so many times to talk to him and it's just, never ends up good. Yeah. Here's the thing, sometimes it's going to sound cheesy. Think of connection-focused communication. Why are we communicating? So I want you to be different, I want you to do what I want you to do. I want something from you or I want to get to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. And if you approach communication, not transmitting data, but in trying to connect with somebody,

16:38trying to understand and acknowledge them as Jefferson says. Sometimes, you try to connect and connect and you realize this is disconnected. And so I don't know a path forward for you other than to say, tonight, I want to have a hard conversation, but I need you to be present with me and not leave. And it might be you holding his face, it might be you holding both of his hands and saying, look at me directly in the eyes. I love you, you're my husband, and we need to have a hard conversation. And I need you to stay present with me tonight when you do that. And if he says no, then behave like, behave as a language, right? Right. And then we're going to sit down and say, here's the I statements, I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you. And I have made up the following stories. Okay. And I don't know what to do next.

17:38That's fair. And then he gets to say, you're right. I don't know. Maybe he'll open up with you about how terrifying it is. I hit us for men all the time. It's a psychological unspooling when they start the initial stages of struggling with ED. But if you sit down at the table and you've said over and over, you're not doing anything. All you want to do is watch TV. You never want to come do this with me. When you start sentences like this and these moments with the word you, it's an attack. People wall up or they shut down or they wall up or they grab their sword and their shield and they go to war with you. And then if he says, I don't want to talk, I can't talk about this stuff. I'm not going to counseling. I'm not going back to the doctor. This is my lot in life. Then you get to decide what you do next. The only thing I'll tell you is making your choice and then just choosing to stew. Of course, you're going to grieve. Of course, you're going to be sad as bloody hell all that. You're choosing to just stew and resent and anger and blame.

18:41That is a recipe for a withered, exhausting life. And I want more for him. I want more for you. I want more for you all. I want more for your kids, for your neighbors, for everybody. And by the way, looking at your friends who are on their second and third marriage is going to be like, look how much, dude. Maybe. But as you probably know, very few people know what's actually going on behind closed doors and other people's homes. So keep your eyes on your own paper on this one. Thanks for the call, sister. It's an honor to get to talk to you. I really would love to know how this follow-up conversation goes. And I would love, love, love to talk to your husband. I spent my career behind closed doors talking with guys in this situation. I'd love to talk to him if you'd have the courage to call. We come back. A woman asks how to talk with her husband about her work when he is so dismissive. Most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing, interning, and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything, your mood, your relationships, even your mental

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20:46starts right now. Y'all hear me joking all the time about how much I hate being online. I'm not joking. I don't love it, but the truth is I'm everywhere online. I'm on podcast, social media, YouTube, and because of that, my personal information, my face even is everywhere, and that's why I join Delete Me. And just because you're not a podcaster and you don't have a YouTube show, doesn't mean your information is not also all over the internet. Everyone's information is everywhere. Your phone number, your home address, even old email accounts. It's all out there on Data Broker websites that buy and sell your information and get rid of it to the highest bidder. I don't want to worry about scammers having my personal details about me and my family, and I know you don't either. Delete Me scans hundreds of Data Broker sites, finds your personal information, and they remove it for you, and they keep checking on you month after month. Clean up the digital clutter and take back the parts of your life you never meant to share.

21:50Go to joindeleteMe.com slash Deloney for 20% off an annual plan. It's joindeleteMe.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back. Let's go to Gabrielle in Cleveland, Ohio, hey, Gabrielle. Hello, Dr. D. How are you? Well, I'm only on my third personality today, so I'd say I'm ahead of the game. I'm on like number nine, Kelly is, well, she's only has one personality, and it's a laser. Well, good for you. I'm glad you're only on three. What's going on? Yeah, I have a question for you. I work in a similar field that you used to work in with law enforcement and help them people in crisis. And when I get home of a day, my husband will ask how my work day went on, and it seems like no matter how I answer it, it doesn't land well. Is it not land well?

22:51He patch you on the head and goes, oh, that's cute. You should do real work like me, or does he not go well because he doesn't want to hear the stories, or especially in police culture, but lots of jobs, there's a lot of internal lingo, and you start talking and people don't really know what you're talking about, you know what I mean? Where does that come from? Yeah. I'm not real sure, like when I first started in this position, I would share some general information, you know, just talk about the different kind of struggles people were having. And then he came back with, hey, I didn't sign up to do that job. Yeah. So I changed and then started sharing like white-hearted, funny co-worker stories. And then it turned into snide comments about having a lot of free time and then not working very hard. And so at this point, I'm like, I don't really, then I switched to just good, busy, lots of meetings.

23:52And so now he feels like I'm evasive, and so when I ask about his work day, that's how he responds. Gotcha. So there's a couple of things here. One, I experienced the same thing you did when I started working crisis work. I remember coming home and I told my wife what had happened the night before. She'd been asleep. I got a call out. I showed up at a house. Somebody had died. It was a whole big thing. I was taking care of a parent. It was a mess, right? And I could see as I was explaining what was happening that this was an onslaught for her for my wife. And I remember saying, oh, I remember feeling, I don't know if I said it. It was years ago. I'm going to, I need to keep this to myself. Yeah. I need to not talk about this. And what ended up happening was we got real separate, real fast, because I had this whole other world, right?

24:52Yeah. And it was easy for me if my wife came home and said, one of my graduate students did this last night. And I'm like, oh, yeah, well, I cleaned brains up off, right? It was like a, it became this, I felt this weird competitive, like I'm holding all of this in. I've known to talk to about it, right? So what we had to develop, and dude, we got separate real fast. Yeah. What we had to develop is, in a weird way, some coded language, to where she would say, she didn't know the work I was doing, the details of it. She didn't know the horror and how hard it is sometimes. And like you mentioned, how slow it is, there was nice, I did patrol for hours. We did nothing. No calls, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Right? And we had to, she, but she never lost interest in me. And so we had to develop with us two things. One, her asking, how was last night?

25:53And I would say it was really hard, or it was a slow night. And if I said it was really hard, I wouldn't, I wouldn't bury her in details, but she would come give me a hug and just hold me for a minute. And the second thing that was really important was, I had to develop relationships with people that I could talk about this stuff with. And I went through a grieving process because I really wanted all of that to be her. Yeah. And I realized that was unfair. Because like your husband said, she didn't sign up, there's a reason she didn't go into that work. Right. Right? And so I had to grieve, like, oh, I wanted you to be my 100% of all things. All my friend, ML over, and a co-parent, and that's not a fair way to dump on somebody. So it's my job to find people, whether a professional counselor to process some of the stuff, my supervisor, Dr. Young, who I would talk to about, or my colleagues, or whatever, people I could talk to about what I'd seen and experienced.

26:56And so I could get some wisdom, some perspective, just inventing all that kind of stuff, right? So that's number one. Yeah. So I think in some ways, he's right there, but I think in your situation, it's revealing a deeper issue, which is the story you're making up about him is, my husband doesn't like me. He doesn't have to hang out with me. I don't know if I feel that way. I just don't know. I feel like I'm not saying the right. I'm not giving the right response. It's like if I... Very people who's are of you, which is darling, but if we back out and behavior's a language is also heartbreaking. If behavior's a language, what is he telling you? It feels like not interested, no matter what I say. Okay. Sit on that for a second. Because my guess is your whole life you've been trying to figure out what's so wrong

27:59with me. Yeah, you're quick. And you've tried to tell him about the blood in the guts and he was like, ew, and you tried to tell him about the fun stuff and he's like, ew, and then you try to tell him about the high level activities and he's like, lame. Yep. Yes. Right? And what that says is, I'm not interested in you, which, and again, I don't want to pit your husband against my wife. But when we went through a similar thing, what I got loud and clear is I'm very interested in you, but I can't handle that. Or here's another thing. When I was a track coach, I was a high school track coach for a few years. I was obsessed. I knew everybody's times, everybody splits, everybody's every, I was always cranking out. Dude, the guy ran a 47.201 and she finally said, John, I can't tell you how little I care about track times. I just can't. I can't care about how excited you are and how much you love your job and have what a great

29:00coach you are with these young people. I could care less about their times. And so it became a joke in her house. She's like, you got 30 seconds on times. Go. Right? And I'll be like, okay, he ran really, like, or even now I do, she is just not in to stand up comedy like I am. But now when I get home from a set, she'll be like, all right, your best joke, I don't want to hear it. Just what was it about? And I light up like a Christmas tree. I'm like, okay, here we go, right? And I do the same thing for her on the stuff that she's studying and she writes about and stuff. But all I have to say is we are interested in each other. And we don't have to be interested in the same things each one is interested in. In fact, that makes our marriage more awesome. My concern for you is it sounds like your husband just doesn't care. Yeah. Yeah, that's the way it feels, that's the way it lands. Okay. So the path forward is just like I told the previous caller here. The path forward is just following that simple Terry real framework, which is, hey, honey, I want to have like a direct conversation with you.

30:02Number one, here's what I'm experiencing. Number two, here's the story I'm making up about it. Number three, here's how I feel about that story. Here's how my body feels right now. Number four, here's what I would like to be different. And that is a scary, vulnerable thing because you've been overplaying relationships probably for, since you were a little girl, pretty much. So like brass tax, hey, husband, can we have a serious talk? Oh, okay. What now? Like whatever I'm always going to say or he might say, yeah, of course, I would love to talk to you. I don't know. He might be wonderful. I've tried to talk to you this way. I've tried to talk to you that way. I've tried to talk to you this way. The story I'm choosing to make up is you don't like me. I'm annoying to be around. You don't have any interest in my life. I'm making up this story, but it makes me feel small, makes me feel less than.

31:10I would love it if you would give me a path so that we can connect and communicate because I just love chit chat. I just love talking with you. You're my friend. I love you. You see, yeah, that's an invitation. Yeah. A very vulnerable, scary terrifying because he could say, yeah, you're annoying. I don't like you. Or he could gaslight the crap out of you. Of course, I like you. I work hard, put money in the account, but... Me out. No. That'd probably be the route right there. And you could say, thank you. Here is a roadmap for how I would like to be loved right now. It was a shock to me when my wife said one of her. When I learned that chit chat was an aphrodisiac in my house, let me put it that way. I did not know that. I've been in a lot of locker rooms in my life and knowing as ever said, dude, you know how to get your girlfriend up? Chit chat and calendar time. I'd know and ever said those things, right? Yeah. And so maybe that your husband just run into bad script or he's never taken the time or

32:11you've never allowed yourself to be seen and known. Probably a little bit about it. Usually it's how it works. Like somebody sees that the other person is not really super interested in seeing them or knowing them. They never celebrate them. And so you start to guard that area and I want to be known, right? I don't want to be... I like my job. I don't think it's as dumb. I'm helping people. Yeah. And so I'm going to hold it back and then all of a sudden you get this golf just appears between the two of you. Yeah. Because I feel like trying to respect and not wanting to know the details is coming across like I'm being evasive. Yeah, but the path through that, there's tension there, right? Yeah. And so you're in a position now where you can't win. I try to tell you everything. It was too much. I'm trying to hold it back. It's not enough.

33:13And so the only path to peace in your marriage is through that tension. That's where the connection is. And it is, okay, I've tried this, I've tried this, I've tried this. The story I'm making up is you don't like me. Yeah. Will you give me a path so that we can talk and hang out and communicate? And by the way, once a week I'm going to go hang out with my girlfriends because I need someone I can talk to you about this. Yeah. I have a couple of people that I can talk about, that's it, and I do, so I have at least to have that. And it's not so much for me and need to want to go into detail about it with him, because I don't know that he'd get it anyway. He has his strong opinions about stuff, so I'm just trying to navigate. But does he give you space for your strong opinions?

34:19Not always. No. The answer is no. Yeah. And you should agree. This is opinions right. That's right. You should agree that, and that's the next one. The story I'm choosing to make up is you think my opinions are stupid. You approach me with judgment, not with curiosity. My wife and I have different political beliefs, but I know she's smart, and she knows I'm smart, and I know she's caring, and she knows I'm caring. And so when she says something, I'm like, I disagree that totally. I'm curious as to how she got there. Yeah, I think he's more about getting people on his side, thinking like he thinks. Okay. And that comes from a profound sense of insecurity. Yeah. And so you telling him, I will always be on your side. There's nobody more on your side than you, than me. And my opinion also really matters.

35:25It matters equally with your opinion. And the story I'm choosing to make up is you think I'm dumb. You think I'm uninformed. You think I'm silly. You think I'm a child. And that makes me feel small. Yeah. And my hope is that if you can get beneath the, here's the fact. So there's an old marriage thing you can be right, or you can be married, right? And when somebody, if there's a disagreement about the dishes and somebody says, hey, you said you're going to do the dishes. And the other person is like, stop yelling at me. You're like, I didn't yell. And you're like, yeah, you did. The facts there, if somebody has a measuring tool that would measure the sound in that rick, the facts don't matter in that moment. What matters is, I spoke in a way to the person I pledged my life to that made her feel attacked.

36:27I need to solve that. And she heard something from the person that she pledged her life to that made her body immediately go on the defensive. She needs to dig into that. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. I can feel your apprehension. What scares you to death about having this conversation with him? Uh, past attempts. Kind of like the previous caller, you know, it's very similar to what she was saying. Just dismissive. Don't care. Um, um, I don't know that that's necessarily, um, kind of have a great relationship with his mother. Um, and sometimes I feel like I kind of catch the, the warmth of that, but how long have you all been married? 27 years. Okay.

37:28And his mother excuses are long over. Okay. Long, long, long over. Yeah. You're his wife for more than a quarter century. Period. End of story. Yeah. He needs to see and know and celebrate and yes, challenge his wife. And you need to allow yourself to be seen and known and celebrate and challenged if it's safe and vice versa. Like the, oh, and he was like, we're here now. We've been to color 20 something years. And sometimes these conversations are fruitless. Like you go searching for connection and you're like, oh, we're unhooked. We're disconnected. It's a scary realization. Sometimes you go forward and saying, hey, what I've been wanting from you is not that you're right all the time. You're wanting you to be with me. Why don't you to hear me? Why don't you to know me?

38:28Now, I know you. And people melt. They're like, oh, gosh, yeah. Sometimes when people say, here's a story I'm making up. I feel like you think I'm stupid. I feel like you think I'm useless. I feel like you think your job's more important than mine. People, they dissolve. They're like, oh, God, I didn't know I did you felt that way. And sometimes I'll say, yeah, you're right. It's painful, painful conversation, but it gets everything out on the table. And now we can deal, we can traffic in reality. And if you're married to someone that looks at you and said, yes, I am smarter than you. You are dumb. Then you're going to have to decide, good God, what am I going to do in that reality? But if you're married to somebody who loves you, who will say, I'll give you a path to how you can love me. I'd like a path on how I can love you. Man, now you're talking. Now you're cooking. And by the way, it's not too late to change everything. Yes, I've got another 25, 30 years to go. It's not too late. I'd love to hear how this conversation goes. Thanks for the call, sister. Ask him to be a tough one.

39:29We come back, a man asked how to support his fiancee, sobriety, journey, when she stressed about wedding planning. I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John Deloney show, Shady Rays. We've all had that moment when you realize you left your favorite sunglasses on the roof of your car or in a deer stand in the mountains or at a gas station 700 miles back. I have lost so many pairs of sunglasses and here's why I didn't care about them. But then I found Shady Rays and it has changed everything. I love these sunglasses and I will never lose them. These sunglasses are made for real life. They look great, they're durable, they reduce glare and protect against UV rays and they're not stupid expensive. And here's the best part, Shady Rays is backed by lost and broken protection. That means if you do lose or break them, even the first day, Shady Rays will send you

40:29a brand new pair. So now I can wear my sunglasses anywhere driving, fishing, hunting, working in the yard, maybe even to an outdoor punk rock show without fear. And now I've joined forces with Shady Rays to bring you an exclusive offer. And to ShadyRays.com and use Codelone, forget this, 40% off to or more polarized sunglasses. Try the Shades rated five stars by over 300,000 people for yourself just in time for spring heading into summer. That's ShadyRays, R-A-Y-S.com. Alright we're back. Hey, like and subscribe to the show and all that kind of stuff. It would really help. Man, I pitched that one awesome. Alright, it's got to H-Town, Houston Texas and talk to not so plain Wayne. What's up Wayne? Hi there. How are we doing, man? Hi, we're doing alright. What's going on? Well, I would say about a month ago, I got engaged to my fiance and she's a recovering drug addict.

41:36She was addicted to cocaine for four years over the past five months. She's been clean and sober, really turned her life around. But the last month or so of wedding planning and all the little extras that come along with it, engagement parties and batch of red trips and branches and things like that have caused her to get really stressed out and sort of go to old habits and I'm just wondering how it can help her not be so stressed out. I don't think that's what you're really asking, but I'll answer that question. We can get to the real one, is that cool? Sure. Is she started using it again? No, she hasn't, but she has started drinking again, which is every friend I have, every person I know that's ever had a problem with cocaine, it always starts with one beer. Yeah. And then they wake up two days later and try to figure out where they are.

42:40Yeah. What kind of treatment is she going through? White knuckle. Yeah, so I think that's where we start. You can't help her feel less stressed because my guess is whatever has happened in her life up to this point that led to a four year stent of abusing cocaine and probably before that alcohol and other drugs, stress is baked into her nervous system. That's why alcohol works. That's why cocaine works until it kills you. And so you think, I want to take away your stress, that's inside of her. And then you add all the stuff on top of it, it just becomes too much to handle. So my main thing to tell you is, trying to quote unquote, take away her stress isn't the path here. The path here is, I love you enough to look you in the eye and tell you, I'm ready to

43:41pause this marriage thing for the time being because it's gotten really big, really fast. You've got to go get some professional help and care and help. I can think of one, I'm trying to think, I'll top my head here, I can think of one person who has struggled with cocaine that was able to just whitenuckle it, one, one, yeah. And it was long and arduous and hard. Yeah, we've, we've had that conversation before and the, the fear was going to outpatient or impatient treatment is that people will forget about her. And you know, that's an irrational fear on this side of getting well, right? And so the best you can do is tell your person that you love more than anybody else in the world. I'm right here, I'll be here with you.

44:43I love you enough to tell you, I see our life together forever, but I can't hitch my wagon just somebody who's struggling in this way. It would be unfair to you. Yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong, she has made quite a bit of progress, I'm so proud of her, I could bust. That's a lot. So proud of her, I could, I could, yeah, I could bust. Yeah. It's amazing. Can I just, can I throw some things out to see if she's like other folks I've sat with before? Sure. Does she ask you all the time while you're marrying her? Yes. Okay. When she is fully on, is she literally the best person in the room ever? No, she has quite a bit of social anxiety. But that was the other side of the question, but when she's on, when she's, let me say this way, when she's lasered into you, that feels good, doesn't it?

45:48Oh, yeah. Yeah. And when she's off, it's scary, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. Very scary. Yeah, she needs to get some professional help, my brother. Mm-hmm. And you can't make her do that. You can only decide. You can't make her do things, it's much better, you know? Well, yeah, of course, right. But you're not abusive, you're not coercive, you're not manipulative. So you have to look at somebody who you love deeply and say, I feel like I love you more than you love yourself and there may be some truth to that. Absolutely. Truth to that. Yeah. And you have to make peace with the only thing you can decide to do is what you're going to do next. And so if you decide, hey, we're going through this marriage, we're going to white knuckleless thing. I'll be white knuckleless with you. I'll take all the wedding planning, all the stuff, the stress of her still getting married to a guy that she thinks she's inferior to will still hang on on both of you. The idea, the barbell, I always think like a squat rack, the barbell of marriage.

46:53I am anchoring to you and you are anchoring to me and it's us two versus the world. If somebody already has an innate sense in their nervous system that they're not enough that they're a burden, that the world is too big, that barbell will crush you. And you can, if you want to marry her, just know you're carrying the whole barbell. Oh, yeah. And the things you'll have been through in the past will repeat probably with a faster, bigger cycle. The firework show will be bigger. Yeah. Or you can hit pause and say, I just love you too much. I love who we could become too much. And you get, you get to decide that boundary. You get to decide what we do next. And that's a hard, that's a hard place to be, man. Whew. That's a hard place to be. We'll be thinking about you, my brother. Call back any time and she wants to call me. I'll talk to her as well.

47:53I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. I've had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women. But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them, women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. And often, they're encouraged to overlook their own emotional well-being for the care of others. Therapy can be a place where you learn how to set healthy boundaries, how to create some sort of balance and support and overall well-being for yourself and for those that you love and care about. To do this, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform.

48:55With over 30,000 therapists, they have the right person for you. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Listen, your emotional well-being matters. Find support in therapy today. Visit BetterHelp.com slash Deloney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelpHELP.com slash Deloney. All right, we're back, Kelly, what's up? All right, so we have a cool crap that happened. And to our listeners, it might be new. We do cool crap that happened and it might have the problem. Feel free to send those in, put the cool crap that happened or it might have the problem in the header and we might read it. All right, this is from Lindsay in Davisboro, Georgia. You're smiling, so. You'll like this one. This is a really good one. She writes, my youngest son proposed to his girlfriend last week. He did so on top of a mountain at Yellowstone National Park, which, by the way, I proposed

49:56on a knee and a papacitos restaurant in North Houston, but I do love papacitos, so I'm okay with that. It was not good. So this guy, this guy wants papacitos is clutch, but this guy won, okay. She was so excited and he was so nervous. They are both huge fans of the Dr. John Deloney show and at the end of the proposal and acceptance, she exclaimed, near near. You guys are making a tremendous difference in the lives of your listeners, myself and my family included. Thank you for all you do and keep on keeping on. Love it. I thought that was fantastic. Love it. Love it. Love it. And if you want to know the story on near near, I'll tell you another episode I've told it before, but it's one of my favorite stories ever and it's stuck in my head for 20-something years now. Near near. I do it. And my first time I did it, my husband was like, what? I was like, oh, never mind. If you want to, I don't know, you could probably Google it, put it in chat, G.B.T. What is Deloney in near near and I'm sure it'll give you a saw out. Who knows? But one day I'll tell that story again. Near near. Hey, do they say the name of the couple? No, she didn't.

50:57What's her name? Her name is Lindsay. Lindsay. Lindsay Son and his new fiance. Congratulations. You out proposed me. So well played, brother. Well played. And to both of you, near near. Love you guys. Bye.