Other people’s problems ( Hilary McBride )

0:00Hey, this is strong by everyone. Clicked, said Marie Anderson. How y'all doing? I'm there today. I hope everybody is doing well. If you're not doing well, let's take the time to get well, look well. And of course you already know it. Be well. Right now we are going to tune into other people's problems, other people problems. You please school up. We got up and I think she was obviously feeling a lot of things. And so I got already and then I was like, are you ready? Exciting. It was very like, resistant, a long time to get things done. I think I set up things like I was getting to a point and then like that's like it's away from like losing it. This is other people's problems. Okay, but very like dismissive. And then he was just very frustrated with me and I like left to catch my breath whenever and he did a really nice job like lying on the floor and he was like, hey,

1:04if you're moving up and you're just a preschool or whatever. He's doing it because I blew it because I can't get my hands together and about feeling like I need to get out of the house. I need to get to work and take pictures and do all this stuff. And so I like took a breath and then was able to like, we engaged but I was like, I am frustrated or never and then he's like, yeah, but I feel like I really needed help. Patty's a woman I've been working with for a few years. Patty went back to school and and that was really difficult for her husband at that point because it felt like she was taking away something from him that he had previously had, all of her full attention. And and then he had a critical health incident which made her the caretaker at one point. And in the aftermath of that health incident, they're realizing that there are some existing

2:04issues though how they how they share time and energy and and what level of vulnerability they have with each other. And how hard it is to feel close when you're when you're working really hard to feel good enough in the world. We went to the beach and I said it was like one third and I said we need to leave at 2.30. I really need your help in terms of getting all the stuff already so to make sure that we have everything we need. Can we please do that too? Is it yeah? This one's good. Great. And I come to Emma Gamm. Hey, it's 10 or two. Just want to, like, take a look, you know, in 10 minutes we need to pack our makeup. Yeah. Two still on the computer like looking at Christmas. Hey, it's two. So he's like, yeah, you can start him and I will get there. So I pack everything we need for beach, I pack, like, it's bathing suit, I need to see all three towels, sunscreen, books for me to read, books that I know he's reading. Did I do that? Like all

3:09this kind of stuff. But when I said we're bringing cheese to contribute to this picnic and he's like, well, that's not good enough. And I said, what should we bring? And he's like, well, Mika sees her shop. You know, I said, great, we'll get everything organized, everything's in the car, everything's already to go. And then he freaked out about, and I went to check on him and he's like, he was frustrated and he yelled at me because I didn't help him. What do you mean, it helped? You know, and he's like, you're just sitting in the car, was he in karaoke, wherever well, I'm trying to do all this stuff. And I said, I did all this other stuff. And he's like, yeah, but just because you did all that doesn't mean you're done. But so then there's this parallel of us being like, we need help. We have specific things in our mind that we need help with. We have no, like, we either don't communicate that. Or we think we do and the other person doesn't pick it up. And so apparently constantly feels like we're never a good team because I don't do anything to help him. I constantly feel like I'm doing everything and he's doing the bare minimum but then getting

4:13angry. You even when I sent him like up for success with all of these like check-ins that I think are helpful and he finds annoying and frustrating. You know, like I almost feel like, because he is supposed to make dinner. And then I do like cleaning up with dishes and I will just say like, can you help with dishes? Because just because you did dinner doesn't mean you're done. Almost like I want to like be a bitch because I'm so like I'm like I'm not winning at anything. Like I'm trying to do adults emotionally regulated mature version and it's not. That's right. Helping. That's right. So I'm going to be this like petty child. Like it's like I feel like I need to match. Yeah. Like he came out to like hand me forks and I like put my hand out and he like dropped them so they drop on the floor like outside the car. What I did to do that he's mad. And so they're like he's

5:13acting like he's like, Dad, why didn't you had? I just don't feel like like you could do each other more. What you said you did before. Anyway, so all of that to like he can't do things without a 100% of my physical and emotional support backing him for everything. And let's be in contact with that on you. Well, it would be okay if the opposite can be true. Okay. But I feel like that like as soon as I have unfavorable emotions, I've ruined everything for it. And here's what I'm like, so after we had like a bit of cool down, I sort of was like, he's running this morning. I was trying to find my phone. And it's on airplane mode, so I'm like, I'm going to college. And this is like, I'm just going to ball my eyes out because this is the stupid thing, but it's so upsetting to me. But every year we do this summer reading club and we can just like,

6:18reading guy, then we fill it in every year. And then you get, we go weekly to the library, yeah, and get stickers. And then at the end of the summer, then he goes and gets a medal. And this week we're supposed to go. And I can't find this thing. I feel that it all summer. And I could go on every week and gotten this sticker for every week. And like, I'm going to go and they're just going to give me this medal. Like they're not going to care. But I feel like, so I like what I can't find something. And when I can't be perfect, I'm like, I just so like, as control. But I feel like that's the expectation. I think the expectation is that as well. The real issue that brought her into therapy is that she feels like she has to be perfect all the time. And she's also in this marriage where that expectation is sometimes put on her as well. And so she's wrestling with, with what it's like to, to feel like that pressure is put on her. But also

7:23like she puts that on herself. That's what the essence of what it means to be human for so many people that they feel like unless they're perfect that they failed. So it's so expected from under-sex-expected from yourself. And now feeling like not meeting that expectation. And it is so hard to feel it. But I just feel like failure. Failure, shame. Yeah, I'm not enough. I'm like, I feel like a horrible mom. I can't like get that down below. And he's like, I just, I just feel so much like shame. Yeah. And you probably know this too that it's not about the reading guy, right? But there's just a lot of feeling like not enough right now. How do you today? Yeah, okay. I'm even like when I miss the mark in terms of the support emotion, I'm pretty much like, I'm about to be. Yeah. But what I'm really hearing is that you have worked so hard.

8:32You've worked so hard to clean up everybody's mess and even to be proactive with the packing for the beach. You have worked so hard after long days and then all the night, first thing in the morning. And you rescued situations and people and you've given more than anyone asked you to, which is probably part of it. You've maybe given more than you had capacity for. And in some situations, you don't really have a choice. That's parenting. Yeah. But then after all of that, who's there to meet your needs? Yeah, nobody. And the truth is nobody in this situation could have left you the way that you loved them because you were super human. And you're actually probably doing more than maybe a point so it's healthy. Because you're rescuing everybody and then upset when they don't ask you to be back and that's not their job. But maybe another part of you are just saying, I just want some mutuality. I just want

9:38to feel loved and known. Yeah, and be seen for how much I give. And so I hear that it just feels like a slap in the face after how much you give to not get those things back. Yeah. Are you familiar with any Graham? You sounded to me, I think. Yeah. I'm certain I know. Okay. So the any Graham is a nine number personality typing system. Instead of thinking about each number representing the fullness of a person, I think about that being a way of understanding the basic motivations that we have as humans and what that does in shaping our behavior and our relationships. And each of those different numbers makes sense of the way that we do relationship and the choices that we make and some of the barriers that we have in connecting with other people are what some of our strengths and weaknesses are. The reason why I bring this up is because I'm the same number. And I just hear so

10:42much, I just hear so much of stuff that I've worked through in this and you and some pieces of insight that I've come up with lately haven't so helpful in reconciling this. But type two is sometimes help a giver or the helper. Yeah. And they're known for being like the always knowing what everyone else needs anticipating it going in helping. The every type has like get things and strengths, every type is the downside. And unfortunately the thing that is often characteristic of the giver helper type is yes, always knowing what everyone needs and doing it. But there is a string attached and the string attached is often and I want to be loved because of it. Don't you see how good I am seeing everyone else's needs and meeting everyone else's needs. And then the other side of it which is like a no please meet mine because I desperately want to feel enough and I want to feel enough because of what I do but also want to feel enough because I'm left back in the same way. And I just think about the context to go you always being the good one and the one who had it

11:46together and how that has been such a way that you've been validated but also minimized in your family as you're calling to help that maybe we can expect other people to see everything the way that you see it. Yeah and I just get hung up then in terms of so what is the mutuality within our ownership? I think mutuality is each of you with humility seeing that you could love the other person better. And that is painful for me to say knowing that you might hear something like you're not already doing that. No, I don't know. Really and this is what maybe this pride is coming out.

12:55But like when you want to go to the beach and somebody says to you everything's all good. Let's go. Yeah maybe I'm just on my hindrance right now. Maybe you do for other people what you want and maybe that's not what he wants. Yeah maybe. Yeah maybe he likes to care. That's probably true and that's why he doesn't care to be thankful. Okay tell me what's going on for you. That's great. Well that's sarcastic but I was I have. Yeah let's restriing about that. But what just seems very like if if the possibility that he doesn't actually care that it's all in vain and then I'm just doing nothing. Tell me anything. Okay what are we learning about you? What you were doing something for something in Phoenix. Yeah and maybe maybe you want to feel valuable and you want to convince him that it's valuable and and maybe

14:02maybe you're working really hard to earn something. And maybe it's okay for you to just be you and you don't have to help and fix everything and do everything you had a time all the time. Yeah. I just feel like the opposite doesn't work either. Okay so what if that's true how do you want to live your life if if you're going to get up if someone can be upset you either way like what are you what do you more like it's worse? Not know what feels what's more sustainable what has more integrity what makes you more proud of who you are just for the sake of it. Let's come it out there. Yeah. Oh no just feel full of things. Yeah. And I'm sad that's hard to still stuck something. Is it holding you accountable to your caregiver side? I are always some some way of saying that

15:08because I think your heart is good and you work really hard and you should be valued for the work that you do. And so I feel like what would be easier for me would be to say you should get everything you should have him be exactly like you because then would not be perfect because you're perfect. And one part of me as a two as someone who would like you to be like yes as a child everyone be like us. We're perfect as caregivers isn't it so altruistic that we live our lives. But the other part of me wants you to grow into a version of yourself that knows you are lovable even if you lay and you keep on the floor and you never pack the bag. In a way he has a sense of entitlement that you have never known. Yeah because his mom did it and I want to do it. But there's an expectation that like of course my needs will be met

16:13and you never know that like he knows something about relationship that he has to teach you. What's that name? It's a great name. I know you are. I know you are. Yeah and that's good. I think as I'm challenging her and asking her to reflect on actually what she can learn from her husband I saw in her face this look of frustration anger irritation even defensiveness as perhaps I'm I'm forcing her to see a reality that she didn't really want to have to admit. But then we laugh about it together because her heart is so good and we have such a good connection that even when she's frustrated with me in a moment and I can see that on her face that we can acknowledge that that's something that will come up and then pass and we'll have a

17:13chance to work through whatever came up together. I often explain that to clients by saying what feels uncomfortable and painful often has something to do with pain that we carry from a long time ago about how we were treated in relationships we were told perhaps that we can only be lovable to someone if we're perfect and so for me to say to a client I care about you and I value you and I can still see the things that you need to do differently and I can still see that you're good enough just as you are that's very confusing to them and it's disruptive to the inner narrative that they've had of themselves for their whole life. I think it becomes exacerbated because I don't have a lot of other relationships. I think I just put all of my eggs in my basket in terms of any kind of mutual

18:17relationship at this point. What's happened is through this conversation it's already becoming more mutual because we're creating an opportunity where you are modeling even you are not exempt from learning from the other person and that's something you need to learn too. And so by acknowledging this stuff this really hard stuff which is that maybe you could do things differently you are creating an opportunity for more mutual love. Yeah what I see is like what he loses it and then also like they wakes up late as an after the day does whatever he wants. Yeah so maybe what you need to do is you need to learn how to ask for a unique better but there's also this like because I already have shame about asking for help

19:19so you might like lose it and like could not regulate myself when I was like cutting there was like you can't do this this is like so hard and you cannot do this but anytime I've ever said anything negative about drinking which I believe is equally so hard. And so even this like you can't feel because it affects me so much. Let's reframe that you can't do this from you're not allowed to feel and be a mess or whatever it sounds like. Let's reframe that to you are deserving of having a life of so much more than that. And so when I ask you to take responsibility and to make changes one you don't have to do them and I'm just a consultant and you can be angry and that's okay too but what I'm saying is I believe

20:23I believe that you are only really free when everybody else's actions aren't the thing that controls your ability to be well in life. Him on the shelf your son on the shelf you deserve to feel better. So I know it's more work but but it's also it also takes a lot of energy to do the wrong thing and then clean up the mess or to stay stocking your pain like it life takes energy demands something from you but it's okay to not make it right now too. Now but I understand that movement towards growth and so I have a hard time taking it but I also appreciate it. Yeah I'm just glad that I had some money to talk to. Does anything feel unfinished or like

21:25like that hurt? Is that hurt to hurt you? No I can't be yeah it's hurt at the time I don't think. See that you know just want the best and I appreciate it. So it hurts but it's not irreparable hurt or did it feel malicious? No. Okay so we can hold space for the fact that this hurt but also know that our kind of our attachment bond is still there okay. Let's just know that you're left and you're left and then I'm on your team and then I want you to feel safe here and I also want for you to feel like you can bloom into this radiant powerful woman that you are. Do you feel okay that I was in? I can't know that. That's not your talk to worry about that

22:28and it would never change how I feel about you and my ability to hold that and you can still be angry or hurt next time I see you it doesn't have to go away. It's not going to change how I feel about you. I appreciate you. I appreciate you.