Leslie Miller: Why Family Court Retraumatizes You

Trauma has a common thread through it: a loss of control, and the sense that your autonomy is being taken from you. Psychotherapist Leslie Miller points out that family court is built the same way. The judge determines a great deal of what happens next, your house and your income and your parenting time are all in question, and you have very little say in the pace of any of it.

Leslie Miller is a psychotherapist in the Boston area who specializes in narcissistic abuse and complex trauma, and who also offers coaching to people outside Massachusetts. Before her current practice she worked for the court system for roughly six years, a stretch that included custody evaluation work, so she understands both the therapeutic side and the mechanics of how a case moves. Much of her caseload is people who are court-involved, people trying to leave a pattern of relational abuse, and people trying to rebuild after years of it. This is her return visit to the show.

In this episode, Leslie explains why the courthouse itself is hard on a nervous system that has already been through something: surrendering your phone, waiting through other families' hearings, reading false allegations about yourself in writing, and standing in front of a judge who may not know your case yet. She and Lisa talk about why fighting hard and fighting emotionally are not the same thing, and why the fight-or-flight state is not the state you want to be answering questions in.

The second half is the toolkit. Learning your own body signals, the nausea or the stiff neck or the climbing heart rate, so you catch the trigger before you answer the email. Writing out advance responses for the requests you already know are coming. Using grounding practices, journaling, and the letter you never send. Naming your helpers on paper before you need them. Leslie and Lisa also work through what to do when the other parent is telling the children about the case, including why Leslie has not seen a judge turn down a parent's request for therapy for their kids.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• Why the court process recreates the same helplessness the abuse did
• The body signals that tell you you're dysregulated before you say something you regret
• Why fighting hard and fighting emotionally are two different things in a courtroom
• What judges notice: outbursts, talking out of turn, showing up late, dress
• Why your attorney's silence usually isn't personal, and why it still lands like it is
• Writing canned responses in advance for the co-parenting emails you know are coming
• Why no response is a response, and how not to feed the monster
• What to do when the other parent talks to your kids about court, and how therapy gets ordered

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Meet Leslie Miller, therapist and former court evaluator
5:00 Why family court recreates the trauma you already survived
9:00 Fight-or-flight in the courtroom, and what judges notice
13:00 False allegations, not being believed, and the courthouse itself
17:00 When your own lawyer stops responding
20:00 Gaslighting in court and in co-parenting communication
25:00 Your support table, and who belongs on it
27:00 Canned responses, the pause, and not feeding the monster
34:00 Hypervigilance, insomnia, and reliving it through the documents
40:00 When your ex pulls the kids in, and getting them into therapy

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183

🎧 More with Leslie Miller on this podcast
Ep 133: Healing Trauma After Narcissistic Abuse
Ep 203: Grounding Techniques, and Getting Back in Your Body

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.