Raquel Reis: Growing Up in a High-Conflict Home

Raquel Reis took pride in growing up fast. She sees the same thing now in clients who are high functioning and successful, and she can tell you what it cost her, because it caught up with her. On the surface a child in a high-conflict home takes on adult traits early. Underneath, something did not get nurtured, and it is still waiting.

Our guest this episode is Raquel Reis, a relationship coach who works with couples and individuals on turning conflict into connection. She and Lisa know each other in real life, and Lisa says plainly at the start that she would never send a BTGO client to couples work, because in a domestic violence situation that is dangerous. What brought Raquel on is different: she is the adult child of a high-conflict marriage, and this is the first time she has spoken about it publicly.

She defines high conflict without volume. One parent largely absent and angry when present, another volatile, and a family that looked accomplished from outside. The damage she names is not the fighting. It is the loss of a steady reality, the sense that the rug can be pulled at any moment, and the loss of trust in your own read of the room.

The rest of the conversation is about what repairs that. Consistency and the strength of one parent, which Raquel is emphatic does not have to be both. Routines that are yours and do not have to look like anyone else's family dinner. Boundaries stated once and briefly, without defending the position. Self-regulation as the thing that makes co-regulation possible, and Raquel's argument that the presence of one calm, consistent adult changes what a person is capable of at any age. She closes with the emotional jacket, and the case for having somewhere safe to fall apart so you can come back together for your kids.

As always, this is strategic education, not legal or mental-health advice for your specific situation.

🎓 What you'll learn

• What high conflict looks like when nobody raises their voice
• Why a child who stops trusting the room stops trusting themselves
• The coping strategies kids build, and why they made sense at the time
• Why one consistent parent is enough, and what consistency actually means day to day
• Everyday rituals that do the work, and why they do not have to be family dinners
• Why stating a boundary briefly beats explaining and defending it
• Consistency, stability, and routine as things family courts actually weigh
• Self-regulation before co-regulation, and how to talk to kids without the details

⏱️ Chapters
0:00 Intro
1:00 Kids who grow up fast, and what is underneath it
3:00 Who Raquel Reis is, and why this is not couples counseling
5:00 Defining high conflict when nobody is yelling
9:00 How children cope, and why the coping made sense at the time
11:00 Consistency, and why one steady parent is enough
13:00 The morning dog walk, and rituals that are not family dinners
17:00 Boundaries as safety, and why short beats over-explaining
21:00 Self-regulation, co-regulation, and the Harlow monkeys
25:00 Talking to kids about what is happening without the details
29:00 The emotional jacket, and a closing word for parents

Keep going 💜
Book a free 30-minute discovery call and we'll help you map your next steps: https://beentheregotout.com/call
📘 Been There Got Out: Toxic Relationships, High-Conflict Divorce, and How to Stay Sane Under Insane Circumstances — https://www.amazon.com/dp/194627495X
📘 Been There Got Out: When Your Ex Turns the Kids Against You (our parental-alienation book) — https://www.amazon.com/dp/1967674183
🔗 Raquel Reis Coaching: https://raquelreiscoaching.com/

🎧 More with Raquel Reis on this podcast
Ep 198: Negotiating Calmly With a High-Conflict Ex

About Been There Got Out
Chris Barry and Lisa Johnson are high-conflict divorce, custody, and co-parenting strategists, and the founders of Been There Got Out. They know these cases from the inside: both have successfully represented themselves in family court. Few attorneys have a playbook for a case like this — Chris and Lisa write yours with you, so you and your kids can get through it as unscathed as possible.