Narcissism, Selfishness, and the Human Heart Ep. 717

0:00So here's something that might be uncomfortable with it, but I think it's really freeing every single one of us falls somewhere on this spectrum. From a biblical perspective, this makes complete sense. Romans 3, 23, tells us that all have sin and false short of the glory of God. Sin at its core is self-centeredness. Placing ourselves at the center were only God belongs. We're all bent towards self. Every one of us. This should lead to humility, not fear, not denial. If you're listening and thinking, I don't have any narcissistic tendencies, I gently push back on that because we all do. To some degree, the question isn't whether we struggle with selfishness. The question is whether we're aware of it and we're willing to grow. One is stronger marriage without another overwhelming to-do list. Well, the awesome marriage one-thing email series delivers one simple meaningful action each day to help you reconnect, communicate better, and grow closer, emotionally and spiritually.

1:03One thing when email, healthier marriage, sign up today. Well, welcome to today's awesome marriage podcast. I'm Dr. Kim Kimbling. Today we're tackling a topic that I've been wanting to address for quite a while now, and it's narcissism. That work is sort around a lot today, especially in marriage conversations. And now many of you are quietly wondering, is this what's happening in my relationship? Or maybe even could this be true about me? So I want to slow this conversation down and I'll approach it with clarity, with humility, and with hope. And my goal today isn't to give you a label for your spouse or yourself. It's to bring light, not shame, and to remind you that God is always at work in the places that we're willing to examine honestly with Him. So let's start here. Why does this word feel so charged, especially in marriage conversations? Well, I think part of it is that we're more psychologically aware than ever.

2:06We have more language or unhealthy behaviors, and that can be really helpful. But it also means we're quick to diagnose. Someone reads a list of traits online, and suddenly there's spouses and narcissists. Or they hear a podcast and think, that's exactly what's happening to me. Social media, well, it has amplified this. There's an entire genre of content dedicated to identifying narcissists. How to spot them, how to escape them, and while some of that content is helpful, a lot of it turns complex human beings into villains and victims. So here's the problem. When narcissism becomes a label instead of a spectrum, it shuts down conversation. It stops growth. Because once you've decided your spouse is a narcissist, what's left to do that leave? So I want to offer a framework a little different today. One that takes the real pain, serious life, what also leaving room for change.

3:10So how should we actually think about narcissism? Well, from both the counseling and the biblical perspective, I think we need to understand that narcissism is a spectrum. It's not a label. On one end, you have normal selfishness. Every single one of us is selfish sometimes. We all put our needs first. We get defensive. We want to be right. That's being human. It's not healthy, but it's normal. In the middle, you have narcissistic tendencies. These are our patterns, not just occasional moments. This is for someone consistently struggles with empathy. They need excessive admiration. They have difficulty taking responsibility. Or they regularly prioritize themselves at the expense of others. These tendencies cause real damage in relationships, but they're not necessarily fixed. People can grow. On the far end, you have entrenched narcissistic patterns.

4:11This is where the behaviors are deeply ingrained. They're often tied to personality structures that developed over decades. Change is much harder here. It's not impossible, but it requires intensity, long term work, usually with professional help. So why does marriage expose these traits so powerfully? Well, because marriage is the most intimate relationship, most of us will ever have. You can hide selfishness from coworkers and friends. You can't hide it from someone who shares your bed, your budget, and your daily life. Marriage holds up a mirror, and sometimes we don't like what we see. Stress amplifies everything, financial pressure, parenting challenges, health issues. These don't create selfishness that they reveal what's already there. The person you are under stress is all... The person you are under stress is often... Really?

5:15The person you are under stress is often the truly, trulyest version of yourself. Think about that. So here's something that might be uncomfortable with it, but I think it's really freeing. Every single one of us falls somewhere on this spectrum. From a biblical perspective, this makes complete sense. Romans 3, 23, tells us that all have sinned, and false short of the glory of God. Sin at its core is self-centeredness. Placing ourselves at the center were only God belongs. We're all bent towards self. Every one of us. This should lead to humility, not fear, not denial. If you're listening and thinking, I don't have any narcissistic tendencies, I gently push back on that, because we all day. Does something degree? The question isn't whether we struggle with selfishness.

6:15The question is whether we're aware of it, and we're willing to grow. Philippians 2, 3, and 4 says, do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility, value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests. Be each of you to the interests of others. That's a goal. But notice Paul wouldn't need to write that if it came naturally. He's calling us to something that goes against our default setting. So start with yourself. That's why it's so important to start by examining ourselves instead of diagnosing our spouse. And that's hard. I get it. When you're hurting in your marriage, the last thing you want to hear is look at yourself first. But here's what I've learned after decades of counseling couples. The spouse who's willing to examine their own heart is the one most likely to see real change in themselves and often in their marriage.

7:17Jesus addressed this directly in Matthew 7. Why do you look at the spectre of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? So I'm not saying your spouse doesn't have issues. They might have real significant issues, but you can't control their growth. You can only control yours. And when you start with honest self-examination, you approach your spouse from a place of humility rather than judgment. And that changes everything. So what are some tendencies to look for in ourselves? Well, we should look at our hearts. Let me give you some honest questions. Do I struggle to admit when I'm wrong? Not just eventually after I've been cornered, but genuinely and quickly. Do I make most things about me? When my spouse shares something, do I listen or do I redirect to my own experience?

8:18Do I need to win arguments more than I need to understand my spouse? Am I defensy when my spouse brings up concerns? Do I immediately explain, justify, or turn it back on them? Do I keep score? Do I remember what I've done for my spouse while forgetting what they've done for me? Do I struggle with empathy? Really entering into my spouse's feelings rather than dismissing them? There are uncomfortable questions. I get that. But those questions are really the right ones that we need to ask. Without labeling or diagnosing, what kinds of patterns might indicate narcissistic tendencies in a spouse? Well, consistent lack of empathy. Not occasional and sensitivity. We all do that at times, but a regular inability or unwillingness to understand how you feel. A chronic deflection of responsibility.

9:18Every conflict becomes your fault. Apologies are rare, and they come with conditions. The need to always be right. Conversations? They're not about understanding. They become about winning. Manipulation or gaslight. Making you question your own memory, your perceptions, or your even your sanity. Extreme reactions to criticism. Even gentle fillet feedback is met with rage, withdrawal, or turning the tables back on you. A pattern of putting their needs first. Not occasionally, it's a norm. Again, I'm not asking you to diagnose your spouse am asking you to notice patterns. Patterns over time tell a story. So, how do you tell the difference between a hard season and a harmful pattern? Well, hard seasons are temporary. Harmful patterns are persistent. If your spouse has been more self-focused

10:19during a stressful season at work, that might just be stress. But if you look back over years and see the same behavior regardless of circumstances, then that becomes a pattern. Hard seasons affect behavior. Harmful patterns reveal character. Stress can bring out the worst in any one temporarily. But character is who someone is when stress passes, and when it doesn't. In hard seasons, there's still ownership and repair. Your spouse might struggle, but they acknowledge it. They apologize genuinely. They try to do better. In harmful patterns, there's consistent denial and blame-shifting. There's the lack of real change. So, if you're listening and you're thinking, this is closer to home than I thought. For the about yourself or your spouse, I want to offer you hope. First awareness is your starting point. You can't change what you own acknowledge.

11:20The fact that you're listening, that you're willing to consider this honestly, that's significant. Second, being on the spectrum doesn't mean you're stuck there. Narcissistic tendencies can be addressed. People can grow. With God's help, with intentional work, and accountability, real change is possible. Third, God specializes in heart transformation. Ezekiel 36.26 says, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. That's not just poetic language. That's a promise. This journey requires humility, honesty, and often outside help. But it's not hopeless. Hey, in our next episode, we're going to talk about what to do with all of this. How to address these patterns, when to have hard conversations, when outside help becomes necessary.

12:20And for now, I'd encourage you to sit with what we've talked about today. Ask God to search your heart. Be honest about what you see. Resources are waiting for you at alsomarriage.com and remember. Great marriage doesn't happen by accident. It starts with two people. Wanting to look honestly at themselves and then take the steps to God leads you to take. Hey, thanks for joining me today on the alsomarriage podcast. Part two on narcissism. We'll watch at the end of this month. We also have some great things coming up, including Eric Kennedy. We're going to talk about addiction, recovering, vow. Nancy, we're going to talk about some things, Ryan. Welcome and is going to join me. I'll kind to great things on the podcast. Love if you would subscribe to the podcast. Write it, review it. All those things help people find us. If you think this podcast is helpful, please help us get the word out to other people.

13:20See you next time.