Mom Kills Her 4-Year-Old, Thinks She’s Going Home

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1:03Enjoy. I just never thought at 26, I would be talking police about my son being dead. Yeah, that is friggin' bad. Okay, so in five total, and then Micah, Judah, Dexter, and Liam all live with you. Yes, ma'am, okay. And they all live with you throughout their entire lives. Liam has Dexter mostly, and then for four years, I fought with DCS because they thought that Aaron was what apparently he is, and I fought, and fought, and fought, and fought to bring them home. And everything was good for a while. Who had Judah before you were Gina?

2:04That's Aaron's cousin. Gina? What's her name? Last name? I think, I think so. Where does she live at? In like North Judson or some, or Sam here, actually, I don't know because I think they lost their house, so I don't know. Okay. Were you able to see him while they had him? Yeah, because I had the visits and stuff. Okay. Did Alan ever have visits with Judah? Yeah. Okay. Were they all supervised visits with him? It started off that way, and then it progressively transitioned into the home visits and stuff. Okay. Did Alan ever go and try to help you fight for Judah back, because you said you were fighting hard for him back, did well, and helped you. He worked a lot, and he kind of doesn't talk really, and he doesn't, like,

3:08when it came to, like, anything important, I was always the one to do it, like, any phone calls that needed to be made, any doctor appointments that needed to be made, like, anything like that. I was, you know, kind of responsible, like, all the court dates for DCS. I was the one that went, because most of the time he was at work. He would send Judah downstairs, and, uh, a lot of times, he'd be like, you know, he would hit him, and I would go down there and try and tell him to stop. And he would just, just back up, go, go away. And I would tell him, like, you need to quit, dude, like, you need to stop, like, this shit's not okay. Like, you need to stop. He was like, just shut the fuck up upstairs. And then there was times where I would get frustrated, and I would just, I would tell to the light, please, just, Kenny, please, just, just stop ignoring him, please.

4:12So he will stop getting mad, because I didn't, I didn't know what to do, because I was scared that, you know, I, if I intervened too much, maybe, that I would be down there too. So I, sometimes I just didn't say anything, because I knew that he would come back at me. And when he would hit Judah, where and how much, but sometimes I didn't see, because sometimes I wasn't down there, like, sometimes he would go downstairs, and I would be, like, upstairs with the other kids.

5:13And, you know, I wouldn't really know where I went until I heard, like, a, and then I would assume that he was downstairs, and I would open the door and try and tell him that's enough. And he wouldn't listen to me. And I would go downstairs and try and stop him, and he didn't, sometimes he would stop, sometimes he wouldn't, for how long would this happen, every time he would go down a couple of minutes, would Alan come back up and leave Judah down there? If he didn't want to go the bathroom, yeah, he would keep him down there, or if he would ignore Alan when he was asking him questions. How many times a day would this happen? One or twice, maybe usually only once, but for a couple of minutes at a time, would it last longer than a couple of minutes? Not usually, because I got, like, I couldn't handle it, and I'd go down there and be like,

6:16okay, come on, dude, this shit's ridiculous, like, you need to stop, because it was scaring like, where would he hit him at? His arms, his legs, his back, his chest, pretty much wherever, sometimes he'd kick him, and there was so many times that I tried to pull his hands off them, or it's like when he got, like, he couldn't control himself, and it was scary because, like, I was pregnant and I was trying to, like, stop him, and there was like a couple times where he went to try and hit him, and he all hit me in my stomach, so I just kind of backed up, and I told him to stop, but he just saw him when he was really frustrated with him, if he would make him sleep downstairs.

7:17Was there bed down there? There wasn't a bed, but there was, like, a fluffy blanket that we had full, like, I would lay on. Yeah, it was probably, like, this office one I could find, like, a Sherpa blanket, but an alley would make you to sleep down there, if you'd really frustrated with him. Yeah, and I know I should have said something, but did Alan, or why did you not say anything because I knew he would try and hurt me? What do you say that to? Do you? I mean, he had, what would he say? He said, well, you know that if you say anything, you're going to lose all your kids and you're never going to see them again, so I would suggest you just keep your stupid up shut. But Alan, do you threaten you or any of the other children? Not the kids, no, but me all the time. Do you threaten you about this incident? Are these incidents with Judah?

8:18Not, like, directly, you know, but it was more of, like, the generalized thing, like, I just said, like, with the, like, if you say anything, you're going to lose all your kids and you're not going to have a house and you're not going to have shit. And that's, I feel, like, honestly, why I didn't, because he was all I had, you know, him and my kids were, I didn't, I don't really have friends like that, you know, like, me and my family don't really get along. And you guys don't get along because of Alan, or did you get along? I mean, me and my mom have always had a really shitty relationship. But ever since I was with Alan, it's been worse. But Alan do this same thing they would do to Judah to any of the other children. Why do you think he just did it just to do to Judah? I honestly couldn't tell you because if it was, like, a few months ago, like, anyone would

9:25say that they were like the closest, you know, Judah was like his, his little, many me. How did you find out about what occurred? Um, Alan had called me, like, freaking out. Do you remember about what time that was? I don't know off the top of my head. I don't know. Maybe like, 130 maybe that's, that's the, like, total guesstimate, though, like, I don't actually know. That's fair. I don't even know what time it is right now. So I'm like completely out of it. Um, but like, he called me. And I immediately didn't know what to do because he said, Mary, I don't know what to do. And I said, I don't know what you do. And he said his, his temperature is really low.

10:27And I can't get it back up. And I've been trying to do CPR on him for an hour. And he said, he didn't know what to do. And I told him he needed to call somebody. And he said, I'm not calling anybody because I'm going to go to prison. I'm like, Alan, you need to call somebody before something happens. Like, you need to call somebody because he said, you know, he had said that his heart was still beating. And I called him to call like so many times. And Alan went call. And I don't know why I started praying instead of calling an ambulance, but then I got up after I prayed. And I went and told Morgan that I didn't know what to do when I was freaking out. And she was like, we need to call now. You've communicated with Alan any other time since the contact.

11:27No, sir. The last time I talked to him, I told him, well, after that phone call and I called somebody. Like, I told Morgan and she called and I called as well. And I called him. I was like, listen, I'm sorry. I love you. And I will always have love for you. Okay. But he needs to be okay. And if there's something that's seriously wrong, I need, I'm sorry, but I already called. He's like, are you kidding me? I'm going to go to prison. I'm like, you know what, Alan? I'm sorry. And I've never had the balls to say this to him for. But something in my heart didn't feel right. And I said, you know what? I'm not choosing you over my kids. But when I finally had the balls to say it was too late.

12:29And now he's gone. Because I didn't. I can't take it. My mom didn't tell you, did she? I take it. My mom didn't tell you, did she? I take it. My mom didn't tell you, did she? June is gone. I said. And June is gone. Grandma. June. Grandma. I really don't know how. He's gone, Grandma. I really don't even like, wanna, like, explain. But you have, like, it's so unfair, you know? Well, everyone was right. And everyone was right.

13:31Everybody's been sitting here telling me I told you so. Alan is in prison or will be. Alan. Because he accidentally took things way too far. And he heard him and. And he was like, I don't want to say it again. He's in prison, Grandma. And that's where he belongs. Grandma, I thought we already went over this. Like, I'm not trying to be mean. But like, I really don't want to have to repeat myself. I really don't. Like, I don't want to have to say it again. Okay.

14:35It's okay. No, it's, there is nothing you can do, Grandma. Okay. I have to go, though. Okay. I have an officer that's trying to speak to me so we can figure things out. I love you, Grandma. Hi. I really hope she doesn't have like a freaking heart attack. I'm going to take this phone. I'm going to set it right on the ledge of my office door. You see that little ledge right there? I'm going to set it right there. Okay. Just so we can focus a little bit and I have a good conversation here. Okay. Does that sound okay? Let's set it right here. You watch me. Okay. I think Christine is going to join us again. Okay. Mary, so there's just a lot of questions about everything.

15:35And I don't have a clear picture of everything that's happened. And obviously you have a lot of questions, too, because you're at the hospital. With was nothing. When did you go to the hospital? I had a Saturday at like three in the afternoon. Something like that. Were you full-term every year of your pregnancy and then fine? Yeah. How many weeks long? I was 39 weeks. I was due on the 13th. Good, mom. Okay. Leading up to Saturday, which was the ninth. 9th, is that right? leading up to Saturday of the 9th Micah, Chudah, Dexter, and Liam. We're all living in the house with you. Yes. And it's my understanding that there's a time period that they weren't living with you. Yes, sir. Talk to me about that.

16:37Basically my mom wandered in custody of Micah and she called DCS on me because she told them I was smoking and that Alan had hit Micah, which was not the case. Because that was me playing way to rough with him and I told DCS that and nobody believed me because everybody said it was Alan and I tried to explain to them that it was because I was being too rough with him and they didn't listen. And they told me to quit covering for him. And I tried to explain like that's not what was happening. Well, you might have some sort of bruise. He had a heart on his face because I was sitting here like kind of like talking mad, you know, they played with him and it's kind of placed left. I mean, obviously way to rough with him. So then shortly after Micah went to go stout with your mom, Chudah was born. Yes, sir.

17:37Okay. Did Chudah come on with you? I was given permission to live with my friend's mom and she was like placement for him, but I was allowed by DCS to live there. So I lived there with him and her for like three months and then she got upset because I wouldn't sell her my food stamps anymore. So it was June when Chudah was born. Yes. You lived at make the tree for a few months and then moved to 11th street with Alan. Yeah. So was you Alan Chudah? No, she, well, so she was still placement of him. Okay. But because I pissed her off, she called DCS in 50 lunch. She wanted him moved and at which point he went to a foster home for like a month or two and then he went to Chudah, which was the cousin that he was with. I'll go until. Okay. Who's cousin is that? Alan's.

18:41That's Alan's cousin. Senator James Chudah. And then what points did, because all the children were living on 835. When did that merger, when did you guys all reunite at that residence? Micah's home trial ended around Christmas last year. And Chudah's ended, I believe, in like May or the beginning of June, like that of me. What you guys were all back in the house, so was Micah, Chudah, Dexter, Liam, you and Alan. Yes. We're all at the house there together. Yes. How was the atmosphere there? For a while, it was really good. You know, like, I mean, me and Alan have always had kind of like a on and off relationship, but how long you guys been together told six years since September 15th of 2016? You guys went on and off. I mean, 2016, the current date. Well, the longest we were actually like a part,

19:54like we didn't like, we weren't together. It was like online. I mean, we like fought all the time. Would you explain it well? It's stupid shit. Whether it was a guy that tried to like my picture on Facebook or, you know, someone tried to mess it up to me, even if I didn't know who it was. I mean, it could have been anything. Like, I could have just said something that was like what he considered stupid. How would things be with the kids with Micah and Chudah? So there was no like issues up until like the last time that Gina and Phil came to the house. And Gina and Phil had custody of Chudah. Two days for a few years. Yes. Okay. Most of his life, you know. Yeah. And I guess I got frustrated because he had gotten in their car and took in their keys out of the

21:00ignition and took off and he thought it was funny. And they didn't say anything to him about it. And I thought that that was like not appropriate, I guess. And I kind of like wanted to grab the keys and gave it back and say anything to them, which in hindsight, maybe I should have been like, listen, this is, I don't think this is appropriate. But I didn't say anything. I kind of just handed them back weeks. How did he handle the situation with Chudah? He started bringing him downstairs and having him like kind of like do like an exercise, I guess. So he would have him like kind of do like an A, like he would kind of have him like not do a push up, but like put his feet on the ground and put his hands on the ground, kind of like stick his butt up in the air, thinking that maybe like doing like a workout would change something. Okay. And I've not been to your house. Is this like a single story house? It's a like main floor

22:05and then there's a basement basement. So you say downstairs, you're talking about in the basement of the residence. Yeah. And explain the basement to me again. I apologize if they're not out of the house. It's some just like some old stairs that go down into like a really big basement that just has much crap in it. Okay. So it's mainly for storage. It's not really a living area. No, that's the landlord's stuff. Like that's all of his stuff. Is there electricity down there? Yes. But he the kept the lights off most of the time because he was I think trying to like kind of scare him into behaving, I guess. Okay. So there were lights down there, but Alan wouldn't turn them on when he took Judith out. Yes. Okay. So that's sort of the last couple of weeks he would take him out in there and make him do this pyramid exercise. Yes. And what else? And then he just continued to not do what Alan wanted and go to the bathroom and

23:05there was multiple times where I would go downstairs because I would be upstairs with the other kids and I would hear a noise and I would open the door and he would be down there yelling at him. And I'd go down there and I would try and get him to stop. How was he now? Punching him. He kicked him a few times. He taped his hands up to put him up against the pole and tied his hands up. What did he tie him up with? Duck tape. And if he didn't answer him, he would punch him. Did you see him do this? And I tried to tell him to stop and he kind of just told me just to go away. You're not helping. Just go away. And you just keep going. Stop. And the last two weeks, how many times do you think Judith to your knowledge that was taking

24:10downstairs? To the basement? I mean, there's a couple of times he stayed down there for a few days. He stayed down there for two days. And then he would bring him up because Judith would start going to the bathroom. And then he would stop again because the other kids got something that he didn't like that he didn't. And then he would bring him back downstairs. When Judith was left in the basement for two hours, I'm sorry, for a couple days. Would you guys bring him up to eat or take the Allen to him or how did that work? It kind of depended on Allen's move, I guess. And if he if he if he guys didn't feed him, I mean, tell me tell me that, you know, there was a couple of times. There was a couple times that Allen said, okay, well, if you don't want to answer me, you're not going to eat. And I was like, you got to give him some. Like you, you can't just start that. So there are incidents where he chewed it was with health food. Yes, right? Yes.

25:20And I would sneak him food. What would you sneak down there? I would try and give him like a banana or some fruit or something. Like something so that he could eat something or drink something. That Allen would let you take that down to him or you'd do without a knowing or without that one. Do without a knowing? Because if he knew, he would tell me that I'm coddling him or I'm spoiling him or this is why he does what he does. And when you go down to give him this food, I would try and talk to him. To Judah. What would you say to him? I would say stuff like this and I understand that you have a hard time going to the bathroom, but I really need you to try because I really, I don't want your dad to get mad and I don't want him to get mad at you and I don't want him to get mad at me. And I know you don't like this and I don't like this and I'm trying to help you,

26:23but I really need you to like please stop ignoring him because there's only like I can't. I can't, I can't do anything when he gets mad and I'm. What would you just say to him? He said I would like he would tell me that he would go and sometimes he would. But then as soon as he saw Allen or heard him, he would completely shut down and stop talking. He'd freeze up and Allen got pissed off at him and I. What do you think he would do that? What do you think he would do that? Because he was scared of him. He was scared of him, right? He was scared of him. Now obviously the party training issue would become frustrating as a parent. Tell me about when you get frustrated with Judah, in any other situations.

27:26I mean, I said mean things I've called him stupid. Call him stupid? Was that why he was in a basement? I mean, there was one time because he wouldn't answer Allen. I got pissed because I just wanted him to answer so Allen would stop. And I was like, God, you're being stupid. Where was this, where did the state police have? Where at the house? Like and like I open the door and um the basement door? Yes. Would that door be locked? No. Okay, so you open the basement door and you just yell down at Judah? Like I would be like, listen, like are you going to talk or because your dad's going to like he's going to be pissed if you're not going to talk. Like are you going to go to the bathroom? And he would say like if he would say no. So you're frustrated with Judah and you were frustrated with him too, right? I don't think it was really frustrated with Allen. I think it was more like scared of what he wouldn't do to either of us.

28:28But to the point where you would call Judah stupid for not talking because you didn't want Allen to blow up. Yeah. So you're stupid, right? Tell me about the times you uh because of your frustration you took Judah down in the basement. I mean, I personally never took him down there. That was always Allen. So you never took Judah down but you would go down and check on him and talk to him. Maybe sneak in some food. Was that okay? Yes sir. It was too much but he never did. But you didn't take that extra step, right? No, I didn't. And I should have. But I didn't, I, there's no reason there's no excuse for why I didn't. I mean, I was scared, yeah. I didn't want to lose my kids. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't know what to do. Like I was trying to protect Judah, but I couldn't because I was too scared.

29:34Because I had been in the place before like he had heard me before and I guess I was selfish and I, I didn't want to. Feel like Judah took the beat. I mean, I wouldn't say that. I just, I didn't know. I couldn't stop him. Allen's. He couldn't have stopped him. I tried, like I literally tried to pull him off and he just, he wouldn't, he wouldn't stop. How long would you watch him do it? I wouldn't watch him. I would go down there and I would try and say something. And I would try and talk to Judah and. And I just, it wouldn't stop. So I went back upstairs and tried to. Deal with the other kids and then I either he would come back upstairs or he wouldn't. And if he didn't, I would go back and be like, you need to stop.

30:37Like you need to come upstairs. You need to put. And then if you would come upstairs, sometimes you'd push me out the way. Did you ever try to call 911 during one of those incidents? No, I did not. Did you reach out to a family member? DCS? Did you scream out the front door? No. So you don't know what to do? Like I, I knew what I should do but I. And you told Jeff say that you. Right? Yeah. I said, I'm not doing anything because I should have said something. I should have done something. And you told him prior to calling the police. You told him that. Me, you, and Alan. Yeah, because he was doing what he did and I didn't do anything about it.

31:38Here's, here's one thing. I want to make sure that we're clear on Mary. Yes. And I appreciate you talking with me to help me piece us back together. I need to make sure that your involvement isn't any more than what you've told me to this point because if we do find out, I totally understand that. Okay, you know that I have what we've been trying to be here with you and then help you through some of your thought process here and a lot of this. Okay, so we've been here with you. I'm not against you in any of this. But I've got to know that your involvement wasn't any more than what you've told me up to this point that you didn't put your hands on him. You did not help Alan in some of those situations because if you did, just tell me. There was times where I stood there because I didn't know what to do, okay? You stood there to know what to do. Because you were scared Alan and did not handle the situation.

32:38Did you help with the beating of Judah? No. There had been time, like I had slapped him in space one time. I did. Yes. Okay. I didn't, like I said. Was that in the basement? I think, yeah, it was because I got really frustrated and I was just like do just tell him what he wants to know. I get that. Your frustrated wasn't him just not saying anything. I understand that. I just wanted him to talk so that I wouldn't do anything. Did you take Judah downstairs? No. Did you have that conversation with him? He was already down there. Yes. So you went down and said, dude, just talk. Talk to your dad. So nobody will settle down, right? And you'll be hands-lapped. Right? Yes, one time I didn't. One time. And I felt immediately, like, a piece of shit. You called down prior to calling.

33:39I don't want to, right? Yes. And you stated him. No, I told Jesse that. I'm sorry. You told Jesse that. You told down brother Jesse. What'd you mean by that? I meant that I didn't do shit. And now Alan saying that something happened to him. And I could have done something. You feel like you could have put a stop to this long before we got. I've never got to this point, right? And I did. There's no excuse. I should have said something. There's no excuse. It didn't matter if I was scared. I should have said something. Point blank period. And it's what it is. I should have called somebody. He said something. And I didn't. So if you could, as much as you can, be patient with us for the next three minutes.

34:40And we're going to try to figure that out. And, um, might pop in and talk to you. And see if there's anything we do for you. But to things for you minutes. Okay. So by a few minutes, you mean like I'm going to be sitting here for a while. I can get you some water and we start with the sandwiches if you're hungry. I don't, I don't want any food. I just want to see my kids. Do you want a later to head down for a minute? I just know. I know you want to see your kids and we're trying to work towards, you know, what those next steps are. But there's a lot in play with this and a lot of people that are involved that we have to talk to to let them know some of the information that we have. Okay. Well, we're learning about this whole situation. And that's, I'm Mary. Hi. Maria. Well. Probably today. I don't know. Yesterday we were all really busy getting off.

35:40Well, I think that something that happened this morning gave me the strength that I needed to, uh, fully. Fully talk. I'm going to indicate that you have something that you want to say. So, I'll let you be in the discussion here. So, um, the first thing that I want to talk about is yesterday. I was asked why I didn't say anything. I believe you were the one that asked me, okay, so why didn't you say anything? And I said, I don't know. I just didn't. Okay. Well, that wasn't true. Because the reason I didn't say anything is because I knew that the second I tried to call somebody,

36:42he was going to take the phone. And if I tried to run out the door, because you asked why I didn't go out the door. And the reason is because he wouldn't have let me get out the front door. Because when he was hurting me, I tried to go up police. And he took my phone. And then I tried to get out the front door. And he wouldn't let me out. So, I knew what would happen. He also used to tell me that if I did call somebody, and if I managed to get a hold of the police, that he would give them a reason to be there. So, I knew that if I said anything to anybody, who knows who would be hurt? Who knows how bad? Who knows what he would do? I don't want to see his name. I don't want to see his face. But see the thing is now, like, regardless of if I'm ever able to leave here, which I really hope to God that I can so I can change my life

37:45and do something. And I just, I'm free now, you know? I know that he can never hurt anyone ever again. So, I know that now I'm safe to say what happened, you know? I'm safe to do what I need to do to protect myself and my kids. I know that I didn't do that before, but I'm free now. And you can't hurt me or anyone else. Anymore, I guess, I almost kind of hoped that someone else would realize who he was. And do something to him for what he did. If I said something, maybe that's sick of me. But I wanted him to know how much of a piece of city was.

38:49I mean, I've called him before. I've called him a monster before, because of what he's done to me. And I told him that what he was doing was wrong, but he didn't care. But I felt like, yelling even though the officers that were up there did not appreciate me yelling out of my door, which I fully understand that's not mature or appropriate, but what other chance would I have gotten to express my disgust and my hatred for him? Because I never thought I would see him again. I never thought I would have to. So when I saw that nasty, disgusting, I just needed to,

39:53I needed to let it out. I haven't, you know, I haven't been able to speak with a counselor, a therapist, a grief counselor, anything at all. But this is, this is, this is, and I'm going to be blown about this, this is a shitty situation all the way from now. It is more than that. There's no explanation of how to describe it at all, and there never will be. And it's my job to do whatever I freaking can to fix what I can, even though the situation is not fixable. But the steps from here on out require or should require honesty, it should require full disclosure. Yeah. But it's painful, it's painful, whatever those little steps are. It needs, that's what needs to occur. Like, I don't, I don't know if you guys are looking for something else in specific,

40:53but as far as I am, and, you know, I've been thinking. What? And I've been trying to make sure that I've told you guys everything. And as far as I understand, like, the stuff that I just brought up, that's, I, you know, those are things that I've been thinking about. And I realized that yesterday, I should have said those things and I didn't yesterday. So what, what throws up, maybe a flag for us, Mary, is when somebody wants to come back down, say, you know what, that wasn't fully honest or I didn't really give you the whole story. So that from an investigator standpoint makes me think, okay, what wasn't she or he? Maybe truthful about what pieces of the puzzle are we missing? Can this person be trusted with what they're saying? And I understand that. Hold on, hold on. Not one of us has said down in spoken, you saying, she's, she's full of shit. Not one of us. We think that you're named, hold on, man.

41:56I mean, let me go. I'm doing my best to be, be courteous to not interrupt in you. We think that you're being, you're, you're providing us in disclosing information. However, there are certain things that when we sit down and look back and think about it, there may be more pieces that we're missing. And that's where I'm saying, you need, do you need to come in here and wash your cents? And that's the whole reason why I wanted to come and talk to you guys again is because I realized that the things that I have just told you are not things that I said yesterday. Okay. Mary, I'm going to have to apologize to you, but I'm going to have to step out because I have the point that I'm going to also take care of. Are you going to be okay? Just talking with him. That's fine as well. All right, it was good talking to you though. Okay. I'm going to say if we can just get a poll in person. That would be really nice if that's possible. I said we, we make an attempt to get that process expedited.

42:57I told you, if I'm going to be getting that, I'm not going to promise anything because I can't, but we can go through it. Is there any way that we could maybe see if they would put me in a room with somebody that's maybe like closer to my age that's not withdrawing from heroin and like screaming on the phone. I can, I can ask them, but if it's not, it's okay. I can ask them, but ultimately placement is, is that their discretion. Okay. Do you guys have any idea when you would know what's going on yet? I would hope by this afternoon, but again, I'm not in charge of this thing. So I don't know. It should be relatively soon. I just want you to understand that I truly, like, I'm really trying to do whatever I can to be as fully honest and open with you guys as possible. You know, like I, I don't want to hold back anything at all. So if something does come to mind, I would say something.

44:02You know, because I don't, I don't know. None of us have sat here and said that you're lying. None of us have sat here and contributed anything that you said, right? No. It's just like, I feel like that's because of my past, too. It's like, I always feel like everyone wants more from me. And like, I'm trying to do what I need to do to help and be honest. But it's like, everyone my whole life has always told me, you're not doing enough. You're not saying enough. You're not. You can only say so much, all right? There's always so much to say, right? But it's like, everybody always wants more. Like, there's only so much that I can, that I can say that I can do, that I can give, you know, I don't know why I called Jesse instead of called him first. Or called, called 911.

45:04I mean, I'm sorry. I got it. Like, now that's really. Um, you know, do you, you've heard the, you know, the cliche hindsight's 2020? No, I actually have one. Maybe I've heard it, but I don't know what it means. Um, we can look back at things and when we second-guess ourselves and we could have done it a different way. But no matter how much you think about what you could have done different, it's not going to change what happened, even God. As much as my faith is kind of, and right now, because he told me that God asked him now, and he's safe now, and he's okay now.

46:17And God's, God, I'm sitting right next to him. You know, my grandma said, you know, he's with Grandpa now. Grandpa might not have been able to meet him, but he sees him now. I believe that. And you know, they say, everything happens for a reason and God has a plan that I do believe. But what's the reason for this? You know, there are some things that that we're presented with that we may not understand at the time. Like, you know, I see now that I need help for my depression and anxiety and stuff. I see now that I need to do something different with my life, but it shouldn't have taken this. Because I genuinely want help now. I genuinely want to do something different.

47:19I want to change my life. I want to be a positive person, you know. If I can get it, ever get out of here, and you know, I just don't, I don't know what else I can do or say to make things any better. Because I'm really, I'm really trying to just be fully 100% honest. And it's, you know, like I have never talked in detail about what he had been to me before, ever. This is literally the first time I've ever pulled anyone. It's not like it matters now. Like, I have a picture on my phone of what he made me wear.

48:19He made me wear lingerie. And I didn't want to, and it was right after he beat the shit out of me. So it's a picture of me wearing this outfit that he wanted me to wear. And you can see on my legs, the bruises going all the way down my thighs on both of my legs. Because he wanted me to wear lingerie and he wanted me to take that picture. Little did he know that you could see the bruises in that picture. And I didn't realize it until I saw that picture again. I'm sorry, I know that none of this has anything to do with anything important. I just, it's important to go on some level to tell me because I've never said anything about it before to anybody.

49:24And now I can say something without having to be scared that he'll do something to me for saying something. I mean, it's not like he's going to be held accountable for what he did to me. But I just, and I needed to You're good. Because now I can say something without having to be scared. And I don't know how I'll get closure for like any of this. Like how am I supposed to closure will come when you're ready for closure. It'll come on your, when you are ready to mentally Resolve it. It'll be on your own. There's no timeline each one of us, you know, deals with things that are at our own pace.

50:25There's no magic wand. I can say, you know, closure will be tomorrow. And maybe six months and maybe a year, maybe five years, who knows. What if I never get closure for this? Well, you know, that's, that's a distinct possibility. Because like I, my, my friend Ryan, he'd killed himself like years ago, like 10 years ago, maybe even longer than that. And his mom's still to this day has the same depression as she did when it first happened. She still can't even slightly move past it. And I feel like I'm going to be in the same situation for the rest of my life. Maybe, maybe not.

51:28I don't know. And maybe that's where participating in some type of therapy or counseling. Maybe, do they have like support groups for stuff like this? A little therapist. I'm sure that there's, there's support groups out there. But I think starting with the counselor or therapist. I think I need a psychiatrist. Yeah, more. But I talked to my parents and they said, well, if we can get you out of there, the first thing that you're going to do is go straight to Swanson Center or something like that. But you have to be willing to do it. And I said, I'm more than willing to do it because I know now that I need help. I need support. I need help. I need to get my freaking life together because for the last six years, I've literally not been allowed to get help or do anything to change what's going on.

52:32And now he can't tell me what I can and can't do. He can't tell me that I can't talk to my mom. He can't tell me that, oh, well, he has to work so I can't go to therapy. We don't got time for you to go to therapy. Could be in a whiny little, maybe you want to have to go. Yeah. I'm sorry. I know this is sad. I understand you got a lot that you need to get out. You get that. Like, I still haven't even finished writing this. I mean, I don't really have much paper to write with. But and that's not going to give me closure either. Writing him a letter is not going to fix it. Closure have. Now you've listened. Now go to your thing.