Men Fear Failure. Women Fear Abandonment.

0:00Today's episode is brought to you by Sincerely Shalia, my very own greeting cart line, written and designed by me for real love and real life. Whether you need the perfect card to celebrate love, apologize, or say what's on your heart, Sincerely Shalia has you covered. So skip the generic and say it your way. Check out my full collection at shaliaveni.com slash greeting cards and find the card that speaks for you. I can't wait to you guys check them out and don't forget to let me know what you think. I love you guys. Hello and welcome to the love this way podcast. The show that exists to help men and women everywhere to be better at love. Never any gender wars or back and forth. Just great tips to help you find and sustain the love of your dreams because love is a journey but you still need direction. So I want you to grab

1:05your tribe and get ready because each episode we're going to be talking about our real life issues, answering tough questions, and building solid relationships with one another as we heal, learn and grow. I'm your host, your girl, Dr. Shaliaveni and today I want to teach you a very key lesson. Men fear failure and women fear abandonment. You ready? Hey my babies, welcome back to another episode of Love This Way. You know every day I work with couples and individuals who are just trying to show up for their partners and they're not really sure how because no matter what they do, they always feel like they're having the same fight. So today I've come to share with you what I wish someone had told me earlier on in my own marriage. If you're concerned about their relationship, you've got to remember this. Men fear failure, women fear abandonment. It all starts with that. Let me start with something that I hope will change the way you see almost every relationship conflict. A lot of the arguments between men and women aren't

2:05really about what's happening on the surface. It's not just about the late text or who forgot plans or it's not just about tone or effort or attention. Underneath most of it are two very different fears. Many men are deeply afraid of failure. Many women are deeply afraid of abandonment. And when those two fears collide, it creates a cycle where both people feel misunderstood, defensive and hurt. So today we're going to talk about what that really looks like and how to stop projecting your fear onto the person you love. I want you to see how this shows up in real life, right? Let's start with men. From a very young age, men are taught that their value is tied to performance. How will you provide? How will you problem solve? How competent you appear? How successful you become? So when something in the relationship feels like criticism, many men don't just hear feedback. They hear failure. They hear, I'm not enough. I'm disappointing her. I'm messing this up. And when someone feels like they're failing, they often do one of two things. They either

3:06defend themselves or they withdraw. Now let's look at women, right? Because many women grow up with a different fear. The fear of being left, left emotionally, physically, left for someone else, left when things get hard. So when a partner becomes distant, quiet, distracted or unavailable, it doesn't just feel like a mood shift. It feels like danger. It triggers thoughts like he's pulling away. He doesn't care anymore. Oh my god, I'm losing him. So what does she do? She pushes for reassurance. She starts asking questions. She tries to talk it out. But here's the problem. When a woman pushes for reassurance, the man often hears criticism. And when a man pulls away to avoid feeling like he's failing, the woman then feels abandoned. His fear of failure makes him retreat. In her fear of abandonment makes her pursue. And then suddenly, you're stuck in a cycle where the very thing each person does to protect themselves ends up triggering the other person's deepest fear. Let me slow it down a little bit because I want you to actually look at what's happening in these moments, right?

4:09So here it is, right? A woman senses distance. So she might say something like, you don't seem present lately. Why are you so quiet? Do you even care about this relationship? Now to her, this is a search for connection. But to him, it can sound like an accusation. Now he feels like he's being judged or even evaluated. So he becomes defensive or he shuts down or maybe he'll say something like, I can't do anything right. Why are you always complaining? Now the woman hears that response and she feels dismissed, which confirms her fear that she's being emotionally abandoned. So she escalates. She presses harder. She explains more. She raises the intensity because she wants to feel seen. Meanwhile, the man feels even more like he's failing. So he withdraws even further. And this cycle continues until both people are exhausted and convinced that the other person just doesn't understand them. Many relationship conflicts aren't about love disappearing. They're about fear taking control because when fear drives your reactions, you stop responding

5:13to the present moment. You start responding to old wounds. And then the person in front of you ends up paying for fears that they didn't even create. Hey, friend, if you're tired of those generic and personal greeting cards, I've got you covered. Sincerely, Shalia is my very own greeting card line written and designed by me to help you say what's really on your heart, whether it's love, apologies, or just because these cards speak for you. Skip the cookie cutter messages and send something real. Check out my collection at ShaliaVinnie.com slash greeting cards and find your perfect card today. Now, I just know that for some of you guys, you're like, oh my god, she is talking about me. We do this. Oh, how do we fix it? I need you to first understand that healing this doesn't mean eliminating fear completely. It just means learning how to recognize it before it controls your behavior. So I want to give you five ways to start, okay? Number one, you've got to learn to recognize your core fear. You want to ask yourself honestly, when conflict

6:15happens, what am I really afraid of? Am I afraid? I'm not good enough. Am I afraid this person's going to leave me? Naming the fear gives you awareness and then awareness gives you a choice. Number two, you've got a pause before reacting. Fear moves fast. It makes you react before you even think. Take a moment to breathe before responding. Sometimes the difference between escalation and understanding is just a few seconds of awareness. Number three, you've got to communicate the fear instead of the defense. Instead of attacking or withdrawing, I want you to tell the truth. A man might say, when I hear that, I feel like I'm failing. A woman might say, when you pull away like that, I start to feel scared of losing you. That level of honesty invites connection instead of conflict. Number four, stop making your partner feel responsible for healing your past. Please, your partner didn't create every fear that you carry. Some of those fears were formed long before this relationship existed. It's not fair to make someone else prove that they won't hurt you

7:16because someone else once did. And last but not least, number five, choose curiosity over assumption. Fear makes assumptions, but healing is supposed to ask questions. Instead of assuming the worst, why don't you start asking what's really going on here? What are you really feeling right now? Curiosity slows down the cycle and creates a space for understanding. Let me leave you with this. Most people really think that relationships fail because there's a lack of love, but very often love is actually still there. What destroys the connection is fear. A man who feels like he's constantly failing will eventually shut down. A woman who constantly feels abandoned will eventually protect our heart. And both people walk away believing the other didn't care, but the truth is they were both scared, scared of not being enough, scared of being left. When you learn to recognize your fear instead of reacting from it, something powerful happens. You stop fighting each other and you start protecting the relationship

8:21to get there because the real goal of love isn't to prove who's right is to create a space where neither person has to live in fear. And when two people feel safe enough to be honest about their fears, that's when love stops feeling fragile and starts feeling unbreakable. Now, if you need more help, you know, you can always go to shallyofany.com, book a one on one session or even a couple session. And I'll be here to walk you guys through this process. I am rooting for you. I love you so much. And I'm going to see you on the next episode, okay? Today's show is brought to you by sincerely Shalia, my greeting card line. Please rate the show on your favorite streaming platform, share it with one person who you think needs to hear it and then ask them to do the same. Remember, good, better, best. Don't you ever let it rest to your good is better and your better is best. Until next time, your friend, motivator and relationship strategist, Dr. Shalia. Bye.